What Shoud I Do My Alcoholic Husband Refuses To Move Out

alcoholic ruining your lifeSubmitted By: Janeal

So my story is just like all of yours and others that you have read on here, living with an alcoholic. So I am going to spare you the anxiety ridden stories and heartbreaks of the all too familiar, living with all of the anxiety, panic, anger and commotion that the alcoholic causes daily, while you are trying your best to keep peace and a normalcy for your children in your home, as well as doing your best to follow the great things that you learn from this site.
Click Here To Listen To Janeals Story

Believe me, I have plenty that I could share. I have been following for a long time now and love reading the articles and the mere fact that any of us can relate to each other’s story on many different levels and some completely parallel. I also love the comradery that abounds and helps everyone here, including me that reads them all from the shadows. With that being said, it’s time I come to the forefront and ask for some help.

I am at a point in my life where my husband has just crossed the line too many times (legal near misses). I have asked him to move out, but he refuses!




My lawyer has advised me that under no circumstances to leave, or that is considered abandoning the home and could cause me to lose my equity part in our home, and other undesirable consequences. Additionally, the children need to stay where they are because the trauma is enough already in homes with addicted individuals. I do not need to add moving to a different home to this traumatic situation as well.

But I now feel that the longer I stay, I know that the dysfunction is damaging our children and me.

Since I had an intervention for my husband 3 years ago, my husband now drinks in secrecy. I never see him drink, but I know, or at least have a really good idea that he does.

Ever since I tried to kick him out the first time for running around with our son and his friends and using family money to “play” with them (mostly while he was out of a job for 2 years, financially ruining us), I told him then, NO MORE alcohol, period, in our home.

So I’ve tried to kick him out several times since then. He just won’t leave!

So fast forward, I found out in December 2015 that he had been still drinking, buying alcohol and hanging out with the teenage boys including our son. Which he had been forbade from contacting or seeing as well (he said that he didn’t tell me that he was still hanging out with this particular 17 yr. old kid, and he wasn’t lying to me, but because he knew how I felt about him and the situation and didn’t want to hurt my feelings)

Interesting Facts: Repercussions Of Giving Alcohol To A Minor

So the Police showed up at our door and said that there had been a report that he was buying alcohol for an undisclosed number of underage boys. All of their parents had been told, but until one of them came forward with a statement and proof, all they could do was watch him. So, he only got a warning. That is serious! And completely unacceptable to me.

So once again, I told him to move out! He continues to refuse to leave!

So now this last weekend, long story short, something told me to go and look in our Son’s room, and lo and behold, I found enough stuff to start a small business! Vape materials, bongs, with peculiar residue in them (that was not marijuana) and lots of alcohol! So I searched the whole room and boxed it all up and confiscated it.

Now, my son of course, and my husband are both mad at me because I “violated” our son’s room and now “I am not going to have a relationship with him for the rest of my life!” (I think that is ridiculous, making me the bad guy in the situation when I only did what any self-respecting adult should/would have done!) But of course my husband said that I have most likely drove our son back into these things because our son was trying to stop abusing them, and what I did will push him right back into it. I know that is a load of crap. I do not understand why or how my husband has that kind of enabling attitude, or thought process. It was not a surprise to my son I am sure, as I have always been very vocal about what is allowed and what is not in our home, because of the different types of characters being brought into our home.

Escape Fom ChaosAt one point, I arranged for a place for my daughters to go when I was at work or gone, because I didn’t trust them to be there with what my husband was allowing to come in and out of our home when I wasn’t around.

I have given him 2 major chances to straighten up.

Now this situation with my son has just pushed me to my limit. Him telling me that by me taking his illegal things out of his room, let alone searching it, was out of line on my part without talking to him first (This is why I didn’t talk to him. I knew that he would be against it and most likely try to stop me). I wouldn’t doubt for a minute that some of it was his and that he funded and or bought all of it, as my son is not old enough. He went on saying that he was “counseling him”, they have “open communication” and our son was trying to do better. He said I was just ripping the family apart with being so nosey and controlling and that I need to keep my nose out of everyone else’s business.

You all know the drill…

Anyway, I am wondering what steps or where to start just to prepare to “get away”. I am so done with the lies and secrecy, let alone disrespect in my own home. As well as the fact that I don’t want my daughters thinking that this kind of dysfunction is normal or okay.

I do go to al anon, which helps keep me sane to a point, but I feel like I have done, and am past the whole ignore and live with them suggestions.

We have been married for 23 years. It is hard because of the good memories, but the thought of literally packing up that much “stuff” to move on is just so daunting to me especially that I am already beaten down and exhausted, mentally and physically, tired of living with alcoholism in my life.

Any advice, on where to start the process of what to do in order to make the break?

I know in my heart that it needs to happen. There are too many things that he has done, betrayal, lied and promised he would change…

He will not go to AA or counseling. This tells me that nothing is going to change. He thinks telling me that things are going to change and then sending me cutesy texts asking me how I am, how is my day etc., multiple times every day, all day, even more so when he knows that he is in trouble with me is somehow supposed make me think he is attempting to change. That actually happened last weekend.

So I don’t know whether to just file for divorce and let the cards fall where they may, or file a protective order given the suspicion that he is giving alcohol to children in our home ie our son, so that he will be forced to leave.

Article: How To Handle Divorcing An Alcoholic

I mostly just don’t know where to start or “the process” to do it. I don’t know why doing the protective order thing makes me feel mean and like a bad guy to do it that way. He won’t just leave.

I know that obviously he doesn’t care how or if he hurts me. I’m not like him though.

My 17 and 13 yr. old daughters act more like an adults than he does. (They are both very responsible and great children, especially for the environment they have been brought up in, but they both have more common sense and act more like an “adult” when it comes to situations than he does). He conducts himself like he is 14 years old most of the time.

I just don’t know what to do? I am mostly emotionally drained and depressed. Please any suggestions or help to point me in the right direction will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

You Might Also Like To Read:
How To Get Rid Of Resentment Toward An Alcoholic
How To Cope With Mean Things an Alcoholic Says
How To Have A Happier Life While With An Alcoholic


20 comments to What Shoud I Do My Alcoholic Husband Refuses To Move Out

  • Nance

    Hi,
    My heart goes out to you.
    I think that you are doing a great job trying to keep sane.
    I know we should not offer advice. However,you did ask for suggestions.
    I imagine, you may love him. Even after all this…in your mind and heart you feel you love your husband.
    But you love your children, too.
    IF he ever seeks recovery, you could work on getting back together.
    Giving him a free place to stay is not helping him. It is enabling him. Your choice, but seeing an adult condone illegal and destructive activity in minors is not good for anyone.
    Ok..I will cut to the point. Why aren’t you hiring an good attorney and divorcing him to protect yourself, your children and for him to have consequences for his actions?
    You might have very good reasons. From the outside, I think he has cleared crossed the line.
    I am not judging. People do not understand my feelings for my addict alcoholic. He is, not living with me now. It was hard. But it was for the best for BOTH of us. Hugs.

  • Nance

    I meant “clearly” crossed the line…not cleared.
    Oops.

  • Nance

    Oh and who says you have to pack his stuff? I know that is exhausting. If he does not pack it himself, oh well. Either let it be till you have the energy to throw it out or take it to the curb. I know this sounds hard but looking in from the outside and having living with an alcoholic addict myself–I know it is exhausting! It is not your responsibility to pack his things. You did bring children into the world. Until they are grown adults, that IS your responsibility to keep them safe.
    Just saying….

  • Anna

    Wow Janeal,
    What a crazy ride you have been on. I’m inspired to hear that although your alcoholic is trying to manipulate how the relationship really is with your son that you can clearly see what’s going on and are not allowing that to grow over to your conscious. That requires so much strength. I can understand why you are confused about which road to take now. Some times i think we may just want permission to persue the option we already know is the right one for us. Talk to your professional again, search for another option, is there something you can put in writing to say you and your girls are going on holiday so it is quite clear that you aren’t abandoning the house? Maybe if you have a break the way forward will seem clearer?
    Goodluck sending you love and peaceful sleeps x

  • Tina

    Janeal,

    I am in a similar situation, except my son is 9 and I have only been married to this man for 3 years. He has been stopped 5 times for DUI, ruined my credit, had a vehicle repossessed, and the verbal emotional abuse is too much. He has been court ordered to stop drinking, but that is the only reason because he is having to take urine tests and wear the ankle brace. He begged me for another chance, but he has hurt my heart so much I do not feel the same anymore. I have asked him to leave several times, and he refuses to go. I don’t want another fight that like in front of my child. so, what to do? so I am waiting, wasting my life waiting for some peaceful exit of this marriage. You have my empathy. If you need to talk further, I totally feel you.

  • Bill

    Janeal, it sounds like you have finally reached the point where the pain of staying in this relationship is greater than the fear of ending it.

    In my experience, God was the one who led me out of the abusive bondage I was entangled in. He knows the end before the beginning. Stay close to Him and I know He will lead you in making the right choices.

    I enjoy using the “search” feature on this website. I just entered the words “making decisions” and this article was in the results that I think you might enjoy reading:
    http://alcoholicsfriend.com/2012/11/stay-with-alcoholic/

  • Paula g

    It sounds like a war zone, Off the top of my head these are what i would consider, 1. ask your lawyer what the next step should be, in the case that he won’t leave(have you seen war of the roses? you don’t want it to end up like that movie) 2. Can you sell the house? 3. Consider Abandoning the home and bringing the kids with you 4. Changing the locks 5. Have the police remove him, or go ask the police what you should do in this case 6. get another bank account and cut him out of the finances, since your the bread winner. 5. go start divorce proceedings and hand him the papers 6. Turn him in when he is doing something illegal, and then change the locks.
    He may not be very honest, but you can be. Lay it all out there, without being mean or disrespectful, keep reiterating your stand. Let him know your finished with it and you don’t believe anything he says, and your moving on without him. If you can sell the house it might be the best way.

  • Dan

    Paula, it’s people like you that keep me coming back to this site. I love the freedom that we have here to encourage others with suggestions for change.

    I agree, a good attorney can help created a workable plan where actions can start being taken toward change rather quickly.

    I also agree, it’s time to not put up with anymore shenanigans. If the opportunity arises to have him arrested for his illegal activates, DO IT.

    DON’T BAIL HIM OUT OF JAIL WHEN HE GETS ARRESTED!

    Janeal, you are on the edge of making “life altering” changes… get seriously plugged into Al-anon. Go to as many meetings as you can during the week and connect with people over the phone. Yes, use the phone all of the time. You need the support of your support group now more than ever.

    Focus on yourself and your needs. Take extra good care of yourself, taking time out for yourself.

    It’s time to rise up, GET OFF the fence of indecision and get empowered through making choices to protect you and your children.

    A three of four day vacation from the chaos may help you come up with a workable plan.

    Write in a journal as often as possible.

    Oh, a judge can get his drunken squatting A** out of the house…I guarantee that… Once the papers for divorce are filed, you file to get him out of the house and also for him to help you pay the bills associated with the house.

  • MCP

    Janeal – I think you need a new attorney. You don’t have a home, you have a living nightmare. Your lawyer sounds like a self perpetuating dirtbag. Talk to someone else and get out of there.

  • terry

    Janeal
    I understand how you feel.. I to have been in a relationship 20 years. We are not married but own a home together. I to was told if I leave first it’s abandonment and he can take it to court. He prob wouldn’t but his parents would as they blame me for his drinking.. also DWI.. court order not to drink on probation.. blow machine in truck.. the whole thing.. if you can keep sane hold on to what’s yours.. divorce may be the option here.. or jail.. but you and your children need to feel safe. That’s first.. get support and hold on.. after 20 years I know it doesn’t change..I want out so bad.. they never change EVER .. hugs to you

  • FILOMENA

    Get away from this diseased disturbed creep.
    He will always make you seem to be the bad person.
    I m sure he blames u for everything bad he has to do. U made him
    Be an ass. U did not .
    He is a,sick miserable being. Get away before u are too paralized
    From his vicious attacks to move. He will beat the confidence
    Out of u. Go and dont look bad. God will help.you.

  • C

    Excellent support from everyone – I do agree that you need another lawyer. I changed lawyers in the middle of my divorce and it was amazing how lazy the other one had been in dealing with my case.

    You are a saint. I understand what you have been through and the stories you still have to tell. It only gets worse, as you know. Please stay close to your support system. I found a marvelous therapist who helped my get back to me during my divorce. I was so focused on the kids, work and the crazy husband that I was a zombie!

    Please be careful in the house while your husband is still staying – arguments can go in a bad direction quickly.

    Take good care – eat well and get enough sleep. Please let us know how you are doing. I will be sending up prayers for you.

  • jenny

    WOW!! you’re crisis is similar to mine..i too have asked my husband to leave by writing a sincere letter of concern I’m new to al anon so i’m going through a lot of emotions about alcoholism and al anon is teaching me to keep the focus on me. I feel that i’m now accepting the family desease and just moving on and allowing the continuing drinking and dysfunction to carry on. My children are severely affected by the alcoholism. my son has an opposite effect where he will not go anywhere near alcohol, he’s become a perfectionist swell. my daughter blames everything on me that i need help and not her dad, she also likes to have her drink now and then, she’s moved out as she cannot stand the living standards at home as we all have no communication with each other. My children are young adults and i have a teenager who seems to ignore everything but says he’s moving out as soon as he’s graduated.

    my husband also sends me texts all day, especially when he’s been drinking and he’s become a closet drinker. I think he’s waiting for my oldest son to move out, so he can live more comfortably with me and my teenager, thinking i will continue enabling him and accepting his drinking. He manipulates me well and i’ve always been his counsellor but not anymore since joining al anon.

    I also need help and a direction. 🙁

  • Paula g

    Hi Jenny,
    Sometimes when we are a certain type of person, we find ourselves in relationships where we play the counselor and the safe person. But this makes for an unbalanced relationship, and one party takes care of the other, letting the other off the hook for giving us what we need. Imagine a relationship where the two parties are there for the sole reason that they like each others company and there is no place they would each rather be, than with the other. Each person is happy to carry their own share of the responsibilities. They say you can’t be your mates counselor, and the reason is this unbalance, but also because it breeds resentment and “living too much in one-an-others pockets”. I understand that you get that, but I thought some details as to why would help, being a person who was also my mates counselor for many years. I grew intolerant and finally hit a wall and couldn’t continue. My ex used guilt trips to control me.
    Also consider this, a precedent was set, that allowed his behavior, this can take a lot of time and effort to change and you will likely meet up with a lot of resistance, but until it did you appear in the wrong to certain people etc…. the point is you may not be able to convince others to do what you want, and the best choice may be for you and the teenager to leave, and start divorce proceedings to try to get the house if that is what you want, I obviously don’t know the details(who works, whose name the house is in etc…) but don’t forget to keep your eye on the most important thing, trying to achieve the quality of life you deserve, house or no house. Life is short, looking back, the things I regret are mostly about not getting out earlier and the amount of my life that I wasted on a person who took me for granted, if I could do it again, the thing i would change with the knowledge I have now, is I would have gotten out much earlier. For your kids who have been effected in different ways, the best way to help them is to lead by example. Show them the healthy alternative, you don’t need to try to convince them, they will see the solid sound life style and they will be drawn towards the safety of it. Making a place like that available to your kids is the greatest gift you could give now. Set the rules of your land and don’t waver on them. If it’s no booze make sure to enforce that. And in my experience if you let your ex in that new place he won’t leave. Don’t underestimate the power he has over you. Alcoholic manipulators are always working on an angle, equal to getting their next drink.
    Think about why he texts you all day, put it into perspective, is it a control thing? Is he keeping an eye on you? How does it benefit him to do that? That is important to figure out, it will indicate to you the complexity of how the break up will go. Good luck sister, power to you.

  • jenny

    Hi Paula G

    My AH and I have no communication at all, he will only text me when he has had a drink to be more confident to approach me cause i told him i have zero tolerance for his drinking, he also tries to make me feel guilty and sorry for him. He will text if he needs me to do something as small as making a sandwich or picking up pizza on my way home, if i respond he will get an idea that I’m ok with him if i don’t respond he’ll text me again trying to make small talk.

    Theres tremendous damage in our family. My son dropped out of high school because of the alcoholism and resents his dad and will not talk to him, It’s been almost 4 years, he goes in and out of depression. My daughter left home last year but came back and couldn’t bear the home atmosphere so she left again, but she blames me for everything. She has nothing going for her in her life, all her friends have graduated from college and my daughter and son are both going through real rough times.

    Honestly, I gave up on my adult children thinking they’re both adults and they can make their own life choices and move on from this dysfunction, but you really opened my eyes and heart when you mentioned I should lead by example and show them a more healthy way of life and giving them a safe place for them to come to. My children were my happiness through all this dysfunction, but i never realized how badly they were effected by all this and with my distorted thinking i gave up on them years ago…and obsessed too much and catered towards my AH every single day.

    My in laws bought the house for us which is under both of our names and when i told him to leave he used the guilt card on me that his parents were the one who bought the house and he shouldn’t leave whether i like it or not. I have 2 jobs, and my income is in a separate account but i take care of 75% of the bills.

    I want to sell the house and live in separate homes, not get any lawyers involved, just both be mature about it all, we can have 2 properties and he can live in one, me the other. I know this is not likely at all, so i’ll have no choice but to get legal help. We come from a cultural background who condemn separation, or divorce so taking this step is going to take lots of strength and encouragement.

  • FILOMENA

    The alcoholic always win.
    We suffer, we pay, we stress, we do all the dancin for the poor sick alcoholic.
    Pathetic how evil always wins out..
    Cut your losses and run.
    No other way out. Just more pain in future.
    They have a great scam.
    Excuse to be an ass, really?

  • Vlad

    I agree, Filomena. Sometimes it seems like this site almost absolves alcoholics of all responsibility. While I agree that being in a relationship with an alcoholic is almost a kind of a test of your own character, it’s by no means true to say that it’s ALL up to you, like the picture at the top of this page which says “alcoholics will ruin your beautiful life… if you let them!” – While there’s definitely truth in it, and many people who are or have been in relationships with alcoholics really do need to heal themselves and figure out exactly how they have participated in the whole mess, but it still feels strange to pin all responsibility on the non-alcoholic. Ultimately personal responsibility does lay with them, which is actually why I agree with your advice to just disconnect entirely and leave the alcoholic to wallow in their self-created hell. Attempting to stay in their hell as some sort of a test of your own character is not really good advice. They say alcoholism is the only disease that makes everyone hate you before it kills you. Well, I personally really don’t blame people for hating alcoholics. They do not deserve to be “rescued,” if the price is the soul of everyone around them.

  • Diana

    Janeal,

    As an adult child of alcoholics, it ruined the way I chose partners. I was the oldest daughter, so I was the responsible one who cared for the younger siblings while my mother and her husband or boyfriends were slammed. My mother brought home all kinds of drunks, and my stepfather was a child molester when he was under the influence and while in blackouts. I never became addicted to drugs or alcohol because I didn’t want to turn out like my mother. Fortunately, I’m very sensitive to alcohol and get sick quite easily. The rest of my siblings, grew up to be alcoholics or drug addicts, except for one who is the son of my stepmother. And even though he has never drank alcohol or taken drugs, his home life with his wife and children is quite dysfunctional. Between the two families, there were seven of us.

    Getting to the point, you noted that your daughters are responsible young women. That is wonderful. However, while being exposed to all of the anxiety, frustration, and disruption in your household may make their adult lives difficult. They need to see that you are their protector and that you are the person who makes good decisions for the family. Your husband has already enabled your son and encouraged him to live a life of addiction. I remember when my mother used to force me to drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes when I was just ten. As a result, I started smoking at ten years old. I’m still trying to quit at 64 years old.

    I believe that many alcoholics suffer from narcissistic personality disorders (NPD). People with NPD don’t have the ability to feel empathy for others. Add alcohol to the disorder and things really do get crazy. The only thing alcoholics really care about is their next drink. No matter what you do, your husband will only quit drinking when life gets too hard for him. With narcissism in mind, you noted that your daughters are more adult than your husband. People with NPD are not emotionally developed and function more like a six-year-old than their actual age. They are also very charming for the most part. The charm helps them to manipulate people. They are great actors and can mimic what is considered normal very well. But they also have problems holding on to employment.

    I’m not saying all alcoholics suffer from NPD, but I am saying that I believe that many do, and the problem is worse when under the influence of alcohol. This leaves the responsible partner at wits end 24/7 every day of the week, and as years go by, it wears the responsible one down to a place where they cannot take action.

    You did the right thing by searching your son’s room and confiscating the drugs and paraphernalia. That may be his room, but that room is a part of your house. As a parent, you not only have the right to do what you did, but it is also your responsibility. It doesn’t matter that he and your husband consider you as “the bad guy.” You did what a parent is supposed to do. Since your son is already going down the same road as your husband, you would be the bad guy no matter what you do or don’t do. At least your daughters see that you will not stand for illegal actions in your home.

    I think that you need to keep a journal and take photos whenever possible. You need proof that your husband is contributing to minors in your home. Otherwise, when you do kick him to the curb, he may be able to collect alimony because he is unemployed. If it were me, I would get a court order to get him out of my house. If you choose this route, the police will help you do that if you have the order and he refuses to leave. I would also rent a storage space and pay for three months, and once the husband is out, I would pay somebody to pack up his belongings and haul the belongings to the storage space. There are many laborers looking for small jobs here and there and they don’t charge much per hour. I would ask them not to take time to pack neatly, just shove the belongings into boxes and get the boxes out of my house. Then I would have my attorney send him the key to the storage space so that he has no reason to return to the house.

    If you choose to take a similar route, stay strong and never allow him into your home again. One toe in, and he’s there to stay. Call the police if he ignores the order. He and your son may think of you as “the bad guy,” but they would think that anyway because you are the responsible one.

  • Paula g

    Hi Vlad,
    The problem is not who gets absolved and who the responsibility falls on, as much as it is about recognizing a dangerous situation, minimizing the damage and surviving. Right? At least we have the ability to say “holly crap! I’m in serious trouble, what can i do?” and we are lucky to find others who have survived and know how the path is a bumpy ride. The few hours a day that the AH is sober they are usually in pain from the self abuse and the only way they can think of to fix it is to do it again. the good news is, the people here sharing do have the character to reach out, I worry about the ones who are stuck trying to do it all alone. I think it sums up to…the AH wants to stop or doesn’t, and this factor helps us decide if we even bother staying or if we out right run for the hills. Like Diana says once the alcohol takes hold of someone, they are like a narcissist i have even heard them compared to sociopaths, they are “getting their drug machines” numb to empathy or compassion. But I have seen an alcoholic become sober and regain feeling, it’s almost like a zombie movie, except they are still the person just like drones for the devil. They could use help but we as humans just haven’t figured out how that’s done, all we know is the change has to start inside them when they recognize they are powerless to the addiction. The worst part is how many never recognize it or just can’t stop and die alcoholic deaths. I like the thing you said about how the non-alcoholic needs to heal themselves. So true. I think this blog is a good place to start, and figure out how.

  • S

    Wow, had to look and see if I had written this post and forgotten, so much like my life. Janeal, has anything changed? Looks like this was written at beginning of year. I’d like to know if you found anything to be helpful.

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