Articles That Get The Most Comments

Here is the list of articles on our website that have the highest amounts of comments:

Detaching From An Alcoholic

Dealing With Lying Alcoholics

Alcoholics Placing Blame

Husband’s Alcoholism Is Getting Worse

What Does A Real Alcoholic Act Like

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22 comments to Articles That Get The Most Comments

  • Melanie Richard

    Ever since last week, after a bad argument with my alcoholic boyfriend, life has become easier to understand after reading your articles, and listening to a video of yours. Everything makes more sense. My mantra now is you cannot argue with an alcoholic. I feel so much more at peace. I’m doing things I enjoy and have started to understand how much I was obsessing over his problems and behaviors.
    I learned from talking to a relative of alcoholics to be careful to not be judgemental. I’m learning to become careful when beginning to talk openly about my relationship with an alcoholic that I’m not hurting someone else’s feelings.
    Thank you for your counsel and website.
    I called three treatment centers last week, but you have the most useful, immediately helpful information.

  • JC

    Melanie, thanks for sharing. This is JC.
    I really appreciate hearing positive feedback.

    You will find free audio lessons here:
    http://alcoholicsfriend.com/free-lessons/

    You will find a free videos here (scroll down the page):
    http://alcoholicsfriend.com/solutions-alcoholic-relationships/

  • stella

    I have always had difficulty separating the disease from tbe person. They become one. Perhaps I am not entirely wrong in this. I have been doing research and from what I’ve read, there is usually some underlying personality disorder which means this person even if they become sober, they are still the same scrambled up disordered person with the same behaviors. Like Richard Skerritt says in his books. You can peel all the layers back and you still aren’t going to find a shining diamond. It is what it is. Some people take responsibility for the way they are and work to improve their lives. Others, like my husband work at pain and suffering. He wallows in it. Actually works at it. It is an excuse to be verbally abusive, nasty and vicious. Irresponsible financially, and in general an insufferable bastard. I just won’t feel guilty about leaving again. Did before, but I won’t assume any guilt anymore. (I may have spelled Richard’s last name wrong). Richard Skerrit’s book Meaning from Madness. These Al-anon articles are great too.

  • SC

    Stella, I have been saying this for years. My father was a dry drunk, I was the scapegoat. I will suffer from this role for the rest of my life and I started self help in the 80’s. I attended
    ACOA and CODA groups for 7 years.
    After 20 years of self help I married a very high functioning alcoholic. He really acted just like my father. I was the voice of reason with him, thinking all my years of knowledge I could make the relationship work out.
    It was like being on a train that you kept arriving back at the same station you left from.
    Enjoy your move on….you deserve it. I am going to check out the book.

  • Melanie

    I have begun the process of finding my own place. But God has a funny sense of humor. Just as I think I can afford to move on, my workload gets cut back. The end of June our projects run low in my line of work, where I live.
    So hoping to move soon with the help of friends. However, Stella, you are exactly right. When we peel away the skin, we have a person having trouble functioning, which can be very distracting. When he sleeps all day I don’t know whether to call EMS or just let him sleep. My basic belief is that when we have an underlying problem or illness it is usually physical. That’s why he self-medicates with alcohol and pot. It’s a damned if you do and damned if you don’t scenario. Then they can’t work because they can’t pass a pee test. And they spiral down.
    We didn’t start the fire as Billy Joel’s song goes. I can’t fix him, but when I step away to live my own life then I can appreciate him warts (metaphorically speaking) and all.

  • Quita

    I married my best friend from 4th grade. His parents are both alcoholics with many close relatives also suffering from the disease. He resented and hated their way of life and strived to rise above it when we were younger. This drive (my own mother had to be the break in the chain of family alcoholism) made me feel safe to move into a relationship with him. Now, 15 years later he is an alcoholic and a completely different person. I was raised with a pull up your big girl panties mentality. So for years through our struggles that is what I have done. I have been the enabler, I have been the rescuer, I have also picked up all the work, children, home, and financial slack that 1 person possibly can. I have worked up to 4 jobs while attending online college and raising 2 beautiful children and somehow trying to navigate through the binges, daily drinking, emotional and verbal abuse, late nights, lies, cops, not knowing, etc. I have completely lost myself at this point and have been angry and resentful to the point of self destruction. I have just gone through the motions of living for so long that I find myself struggling to even think of things I enjoy. I have pulled away from most of my friends and use work as my scape goat. I have used work and the kids for excuses to avoid having my own life, because this gave him the opportunity to either drink or ruin it for me in any way he could. I am making a change NOW. As my kids would say, “THE FOOT IS DOWN”!! I have set my healthy boundries, made compromises, and we are attending an alcoholic couples counselor. I will compromise no more or less than this last final negotiation. I have nothing left to give or offer to this destruction. I am consuming all the information I can on being co dependent and how to get out of my own personal rut. I will no longer be his to rule or rely on. He may fall on his face or he will rise above it, which I know he can if he wants too. I want this marriage to work more than anything, but I can no longer love someone so much that I lose and do not love myself. I have days of great strength and focus, but still have those dreaded days of anxiety and worry. I am a survivor and know I will pull through one way or another, but I would love to have all the constructive and positive input I can get through this trying time. I wish my husband the absolute best and always have. I know that in his eyes I am the demon trying to steal away his “fun” as he puts it, but truly I only want the best for him and I know it cannot be found in the bottom of a bottle, but hopefully he will find it in his darling children’s eyes. I wish the best of luck and love to each and everyone of you who struggles with these types of problems. Stay beautiful, strong, and most importantly be yourself, don’t let it change who you are. Do not turn it inward it can destroy you!! XXX OOO

  • TL

    I never thought I’d be in a situation like this; married only once 25 years and it’s been hell. Now the 5th DUI in 10 years – no way would you volunteer to marry someone like this that causes so many problems. I feel I was deceived or just didn’t know enough about alcoholism. What it looks like, that it’s progressive. And all these years later my believing him and having hope has left me with a huge house payment to handle on my own with him in jail for who knows how long, He truly promises he’ll quit this time. We actually brought a child into this world 20 years ago-guess I didn’t pay attention to my gut. I’m pretty upset at him and myself for putting up with this. And so sorry to bring my daughter into this. I thought he was different, not like all those I read about in many many books on the subject. Not like the people I’d hear about in Alanon meetings. Wrong, he is like that and now I’m in as much trouble as all those people I heard telling their stories when I thought – at least he isn’t that bad maybe he’ll quit.

  • patti

    My brother is an alcoholic and several of my relatives are as well. I think it runs in my family. It doesn’t seem like a stretch that I married someone who now identifies himself as an alcoholic. We had years when I knew something was wrong, but didn’t understand the nature of the problem. I thought he had lost interest in me, that he didn’t love me, had lost respect for me. He seemed to put me down to boost his self esteem. I was tired and distracted by working and parenting so I just focused on my kids for awhile, but then my husband and I stopped talking to each other.

    I felt like I was being lied to but didn’t have any proof. I became so resentful and angry at the way I felt I was being treated. My friends told me that marital problems were normal. I felt like I was in a fish bowl filled with toxic water. Anyone looking in would think things were fine, but things didn’t feel fine.

    Eventually my eldest child began expressing symptoms of anxiety that caused problems for everyone in the family. We took her to see a therapist, and soon after, my husband announced that he was joining AA. He said that getting help for our daughter somehow triggered his own understanding that he could get help too.
    I was not able to feel sympathetic and supportive for him at first. He had lied to me about so many things. I don’t know how to explain the ways that I was affected by the way he hid his drinking. I wonder if he thought his drinking wasn’t hurting anybody because he was able to hide it. There was a major neglect and abuse of my trust and our friendship that developed over the years. I would try to ask for him to help me understand what was happening, why we were so distant. After a while, I just I felt angry and began avoiding him where I could. There were many times I wanted to leave him but stayed because we share children. My guilty secret is that there were times I fantasized about his dying so that I could move on with a clean slate. Still, I felt co dependent with him, and I didn’t want to take the kids away from their father. I still don’t.

    We are finally in counseling- both as a family, and as a couple. He goes to meetings several times a week and meets with a sponsor daily. We are not close, but we are working on being more open and honest with each other. I am realizing that I have some co-dependency issues. That all of my siblings have addiction issues- my sister needs constant affection, my other brother is addicted to fast food and shopping.

    My husband keeps saying things like “I really don’t know who I am.” and “The future doesn’t concern me. I live in the present.” Well I thought I knew him, and I do worry about the future. Maybe I’m wrong and he’s not the asshole I had him pegged for. Haha. I won’t stop thinking about the future, though. If I stayed only in the present, I wouldn’t still be with him.

    I am learning not to feed the disease that is addiction with resentment and anger. My husband and I don’t know if we’ll stay together or not, but at least we’re trying to accept each other as we are.

    My heart goes to anyone dealing with addiction in a loved one. Peace.

  • MA

    hi JC,

    I find all this information very helpful to me. I’ve been dealing with a situation with my husband, for quite of a time. I can see myself practicing most of the tips you’re recommending. The thing is that my husband is a Binge Alcoholic. He starts on Fridays evenings, the whole Saturday doing chores around the house drinking and finishes Sunday 2 or 3am. Then, hangover the rest of Sunday, he can’t not function, sleeping almost the whole day. During all that time he has to interact with our two kids (boy 15 & girl 13). Sometimes (most of the time) it’s very difficult for me to let things go his way, because I’m not going to put the kids in danger. When he starts arguing and the kids are present, I have to react. Sometimes, he wants to go out, driving and take the kids with him and again, I have to react, I have to intervene, etc.

    Any tips?

    thanks,

    MA

  • Denise

    Dear MA,
    Has he been drinking when he goes driving? I’m assuming he has been. Why would you allow your children to be in the car with him? Children are supposed to outlive us. Why would either of you want the crap associated with a DUI or quite possibly a vehicular death(s) on your conscience. Your kids are close to getting their licences. That’s a really bad habit they may be learning.You need to have a talk with your children about what they can and cannot do with their alcoholic Father. Do not lie to them and sugar coat things. They see. They know. Funny, I have a horrible case of poison ivy and I was thinking yesterday as my face and arms were blistering that this is like living with my alcoholic husband. Only difference is I went to the doctor and got meds to rid of it. My youngest son cannot stand his dad. My eldest says well mom you know what’s inevitable. Straight up, to the point. Live for your children. They will be your allies and your best friends. Take care Denise

  • AS

    I never let the kids alone with my AH while drinking. I say in a nice way that the kids have plans wth their friends and then I remove them from the situation. I won’t allow in any way for him to drive them.

  • MA

    Thanks for the comments. I’m not saying that I’m allowing my kids in the car with their drunk father driving. He wants to do it, stating that he’s fine and I have to fight, I have to argue every single weekend. At the end, I’m the one driving and I have no problem with that. What I was trying to say (asking for tips) is that, there are situations when I can’t be passive when he’s drinking. I can’t practice restraint when he’s trying to do crazy things and the kids are involved and in danger. Some of the tips here are for me to deep breath and walk away, maybe to another room, maybe out of the house to avoid a confrontation, but when there are kids in the middle, I can’t walk away.

  • John

    For me, this was a question for a sober moment – you can’t ‘reason’ with a drunk. Recently, my wife arrived home after 11pm, drunk after a supposed afternoon shopping trip with very little shopping and a burst tire that she had obviously driven on for some miles. I was the moment I decided to do something I’d be considering for some time – I bought two breathalyzer kits, one for me, one for my wife. She knows she shouldn’t drive drunk or even tipsy, she knows it’s dangerous for her and dangerous for others too, but always claims she isn’t/wasn’t ‘that’ drunk – and that she KNOWS when she’s had too much. My answer was, (diplomatically [patronizingly?]) you may well be right, I know you can hold your alcohol, but would your body and your breath tell a different story to a police office who’s just pulled you over intent on sending you to jail? I told her that she need to accept HER your tolerance isn’t THIER tolerance, and whether it’s ‘fair’ or not, she would end up in jail with a DUI on her record. So then – in those sober moments – I told her I’d bought her a breathalyzer and asked her to keep it at the bottom of her purse. I then asked her to promise me three things: 1) that she’s keep it there, 2) that she’d use it before leaving the bar, and 3) that she’s call me or a taxi to bring her home if the damn thing beeped red! So far so good. In fact she’s practiced with it at home and found just how quickly ‘the law’ would say she was over the legal limit. It came as quite a surprise to her and now she’s actually started drinking far less while out – but (sadly) makes up for it at home. Small wins, eh?!!

  • patti

    I was so naieve when I met my husband. He drank too much, but only when we went out. I grew up with my AH/Addict mom, and was taught that drinking and partying were “normal”. My boyfriend was very kind and tender with me, and I felt he really loved me, so I married him. My family were all thrilled that I found someone “to take care of me”. 20 years later and we’ve built a home and a business. He is sober and hardworking every day, a good provider. He’s no longer kind or loving to me. As soon as he gets home, the booze comes out and he drinks until he goes to bed. When he’s drunk, he tries to be clever and sweet, but it’s so contrived and fake, plus he doesn’t remember anything the next day. He often falls and hurts himself. He only wants to sleep with me when he’s drunk and that was horrible, so I now sleep in another room. When straight, he’s irritable and confrontational, and he knows how to cut me with words. It feels like we’re just room-mates. Over time, the drinking had severely affected my self esteem and for a time, I felt suicidal. Luckily, I found AL-ANON & CHURCH. Those two things have not only sustained me, but over time, I’ve re-built my confidence in myself and life. I have a great support system, which keeps me happy and knowing that I’m loved and powerful, not broken & helpless as I used to feel. I’m working my plan, preparing my home and life for an intervention. My AH has been in Rehab before, and he knows what he should do to save himself, but I’ve not yet demanded it. If he says No, I will divorce him and move on with my own life. It won’t be easy, but it will give me a new happier chapter in my life. Part of me wants to stay, but it’s too unhealthy being around the drinking. I choose Life and more abundantly!

  • patti

    To MA, I’m sorry that you have the additional difficulty of keeping your children safe and happy when your husband is or has become an AH. (Luckily, my husband and I decided not to have any kids.) Anytime & everytime your AH is drinking or drunk, you must continue to get & keep the kids away from him as much as possible. If I were in your shoes, (1)I’d get them interested in Sports and/or any other activities they’d enjoy pursuing, both inside and outside the home. (2)Whenever possible I’d take them with me, rather than leave them home with possibly drunk dad. There’s no doubt in my mind that they’ve already been and are being affected by the disease of alcoholism in the home, as I was affected. The dynamics are different then in a “normal” home. Every person in your family takes on a role, that enables them to tolerate and navigate the alcoholism, which is like a pervasive cloud in the home atmosphere. Every one of your children have been changed by it, and at sometime in their lives, their coping behaviors will cause them to stumble, to suffer. (3)I highly recommend the Al-Ateen program to you. If I’d known about that program when I was growing up, I could have gotten so much help and information, to avoid marrying into the same toxic relationships I had growing up. I’m praying for you and your kids to get help!

  • Bill

    MA, I can remember standing strong in the face of opposition with the alcoholic “without allowing myself to
    be sucked into a heated argument”. I think that’s the key here. It’s not always about walking into another room to get away from the addict. No, setting boundaries and enforcing them is vitally important at times. When dealing with an alcoholic it’s always about using the right methods of coping at the right time. Here’s an excellent article about sticking to your boundaries: http://alcoholicsfriend.com/2011/03/power-persistence-reinforcing-boundaries-alcoholics/

  • patti

    to patti: Another patti like me! Thank you for sharing your story! I really enjoyed reading how you, your husband and family are now working together to re-build your family life. It is so encouraging! I hope that will happen for me and my husband, but it will happen only when he becomes honest with himself and decides to change.

  • patti

    To MA: My husband used to be a Binge-er! At first he only drank on special occasions. Over time, it grew to one night of every week. Then it became the whole weekend. Now it is Every single Night. I just want you to know how the progression can happen. If I’d known about the progressive nature of this AH disease, I might have taken serious measures sooner in. The faster the train is going, the longer it takes to slow down or stop.

  • patti

    To Quita:
    I’m praying for you and your family! One can only take so much abuse (the AH is so abusive and it’s a relationship killer). I’m glad your kids are with you, they’ll help see you through to the other side. As you know, leaving the AH is a terrific first of multiple steps to your freedom. You’ll need to work on your own self esteem and issues to avoid entering other similiar relationship in your future. (I don’t even drink myself, yet I’ve attracted many alcoholics into my circle). Stay strong and Love yourself for re-creating your life healthy and strong! God bless!

  • Paula g

    Hi MA,
    Set your ground rules with him in advance when he is sober, maybe first thing in the morning. Calmly bring up the issues and state what the boundaries are. For example, “on the weekend when there is alcohol being consumed, I will drive the kids…or I don’t want to fight…or we have to keep the kids in mind when…”
    If he gets defensive, just say It’s happening too often and you don’t like it. If he doesn’t respect your wishes you might have to consider more permanent solutions, for you and your kids. Good luck!

  • c

    Paula has great suggestions. I am so grateful to read what others have written. It sure does help.

    I tried to detach and that didn’t work – my A would start arguments over something stupid just to keep. The focus off his drinking and behavior. His son said, ” it is what it is”. He can’t get the A to stop drinking daily. Some things cannot be solved no matter how caring the support system is around them.

    Wishing everyone the strength to pursue their dreams.

  • MA

    Thanks everyone for the advices. Looks like we’re not alone battling with this desease. God gives us strength and blesses us.

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