JC: The article below is a guest post from one of our readers. Katie’s experiences of being involved with an alcoholic are classic. Her future husband has many of the personality traits of an alcoholic, lying, arguing, blaming others, thinks he can stop drinking on his own, and more…Please feel free to comment below her story offering wisdom and comfort to help her get through yet another day of dealing with an alcoholic.
Guest post from: Katie
My future husband is an alcoholic. Looking back on the 5 years we’ve been together the red flags were all there in the beginning. However, I told myself that we were both young and without any children so occasionally drinking to excess was normal. I know now that he was a functioning alcoholic.
I ignored how quickly he’d go through his bottles of cheap bottom shelf vodka. I told myself that he has always treated me well, his work life didn’t suffer and what a hypocrite I’d be for bringing it up since I was a social drinker. Then his functionality started to morph into dysfunction. He had a couple of dui’s and lost his license.
Then he lost his job. It was then that reality started to hit me. This was not normal. He was waking up before me in the morning and drinking without me knowing. Or maybe I didn’t want to know? Regardless he found a job, a better job even and things seemed to be improving. He stopped drinking vodka and moved on to a couple high gravity beers after work. He was doing good at his new job. I told myself it was a step in the right direction.
He proposed, I said yes. For about a year things were ok. But then one day out of the blue I got a call from his HR manager, they were taking him to be tested and more than likely I’d have to come pick him up, that he was losing his job. Again. My world started to crumble around me, my heart was broken. Turns out he was hiding his early morning drinking from me, again.
Driving to the gas station at the end of the road and buying a couple at 6 am when they opened. Going to work drunk. He blew a .32 at the clinic and he was seemingly sober. He should have been unconscious.
Check out what Al-anon has to offer by clicking here.
So here we are. Present day. I’m struggling, I don’t know what to do. I love him, I want to support him and his road to recovery unconditionally. I do not want to watch him kill himself. He’s never been abusive or nasty to me and we don’t argue much unless it’s about his drinking. Actually some days I believe my decision to leave or stay would be easier if he were abusive.
I have told him that I will no longer pretend I’m okay with his drinking habits. He tells me I’m trying to control him. I tell him I’m sorry he feels that way and I love him. When I ask if he thinks he has a problem he’ll tell me yes but refuses outside help. He insists that he can do it on his own. Just one beer he says. Only it’s not just one beer, it’s a 24 oz can of malt liquor in the morning and then just “one” more after that. I’d like to give him an ultimatum but I don’t think I’m ready to follow through if nothing changes. I’m also scared to death to move forward into marriage and a future family with this disease.
What now?
Please feel free to leave a comment below.
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I just filled for divorce from my alcoholic abusive husband ….we have been together 2 1/2 years and he was doing so great …so about 5 months ago we got hitched …and that was like a open invitation to drink frequently again …..and when I confront him which towards the end I never did it was easier to avoid but there is so much verbal and mental abuse you can take and I was tired of not defending my self of all the accusations he would try to shift on me
I had to file for a restraining order …and change my number
Get away fast… I wish I would have listened to all the advice on this site and never get married I cant not believe I trusted him again
Hi Katie,
I feel your pain. I totally get it
My experience is similar, only difference is that I was married, with two young children. Please take this advice with an open heart. .run for your life, and don’t look back, unless he has proven in-patient treatment, with years of recovery under his belt years down the road. At that point, even still, it’s a gamble.
They are very sick people, with a true illness, and you just can’t save them. You will turn into the caretaker, the responsible one, the put all the pieces back together when they crumble. And the most important thing I learned is that I lost myself in the insanity of it all. And that’s exactly what it is, pure insanity.
Then throw kids into the mix, and you have the perfect recipe for disaster. They are little boys, with a very selfish illness, and the fact that he is not open to help and is basically in denial is the exact writing on the wall that says, run. Yes, you love him, but have the self respect and courage to love yourself and your future more.
I wish I did. Mine is sober now, but the damage had already been done and I can’t look at him the same way I did when we got married. The writing was on the wall then, and I chose to turn a blind eye for my own selfish reasons. Big mistake. If I can only turn back the hand of time.
Try to get to an alanon meeting as many of them as you can. If you choose to stay, this will be a lifetime program you will need for your own sanity and support.
Wishing you the best in your journey.
Your love is not going to change him and he is going to destroy you. You need to be strong and say goodbye to him. If you stay your life will be a continuous roller coaster of hope and despair with maybe a few good days in between. Until he decides to get and stay sober there is NO CHANCE for a happy life for you together. Go and find yourself a good man who is not an alcoholic and build a wonderful life together. If you stay with this alcoholic your life will be HELL and you will leave him in the end and have to start over. You may as well do that now. Good luck!
Watch out…if you marry him you will be making the biggest mistake of your life. I married an alcoholic and went through Hell. She just died of alcoholic poisoning and venereal disease combined. I wish I could post the two picture here of her death to warn others. She was a beautiful girl with every advantage offered to her…she threw it all away for drink! It’s a disease and there is no cure. If they can stop they are still dry-alcoholics, so don’t make the mistake of thinking he can ever really stop, or he will stop for the love of you! He loves one thing, booze. Get away from him as fast as possible!
I agree Sarah with Sarah, you are young and want to have children. In my previous post listed family members who have this disease. The alcohol
stole their lives and will you and yours. My children were grown and
on their own. The difference is the sobriety of my children. You
don’t want this for your children. I am begging you to run as quickly
from him. Be prepared he will scream he will change , he will not.
Even if he goes into rehab his ability to be sober is less likely to
happen over the long term. There are a lot, I mean a lot, of young
men looking for a sober woman to have children with. Who do not want
to bring alcoholism into the blood chain or life style. It will not
be easy to leave but for your future family. IT IS BEST FOR YOU AND
YOUR CHILDREN
Please take a moment and read about of us the married woman with children suffering in a daily basis because of our husband alcoholism problem it is a problem that drag every one down do NOT get in to it you will never get out with out leaving a big part of you behind you will never ever be the same and please do not drag children in to this they certanly will suffer tremendously RUN NOW THAT YOU CAN
Just Don’t do it please!!! I’m married to a severe alcoholic with ptsd!! Now I’m climbing my way out! Believe me it’s a ride you do not want to get on!! Pray for strength to stand firm and know that whatever you have already witnessed pre marriage will only multiply x100!!(not ten)! If he isn’t seeking help and clinching to the journey of sobriety now! he is not going to change with marriage! God Bless you!
I am in a very similar situation. I too have a functioning alcoholic husband. We will be married for 15 years next month (together for 16) and have 3 children together. We started dating when I was just 19 years old and I also thought that drinking and going out was just because we were young. He always seemed to drink way more than I did while we were out, but I never thought it was a problem. I on the other hand, could have just a couple and stop. I haven’t touched an alcoholic drink in years because I really don’t even like the taste of alcohol and I don’t like what it does to my husband. I am the responsible one at my house, as in I am the main caretaker of the kids and everything else. I often feel like I am a single parent, except I do have a husband that comes home even though he never really helps out. I can’t count on him to pick the kids up from an activity or anything like that because I never know how many beers he has drank, or he says he is too busy relaxing after work with his work buddies. So I don’t even bother and just figure it out on my own. Occasionally in the past when I would ask, he had been drinking and had gotten mad at me for needed him to take one of our kids somewhere because something came up, I was in a bind and he said I needed to give him more notice. Well sometimes you can’t give more notice when you have children. Even when my kids were babies I was trying to cook dinner and take care of their needs all the while he was relaxing after a hard day of work. I also work a full time job and somehow manage to raise my kids and keep a clean and organized home basically by myself. My husband isn’t a bad guy. He has never been abusive to me and we don’t really argue that much. We have a great time together when he is not drinking. He has always made it to work, and is a good provider. Basically when he is sober he is a great guy. He just has a sickness and needs to get help. He drinks everyday after work, usually 4 or 5 beers and then comes home and doesn’t drink anymore so he isn’t drunk every night. But then when Friday comes around he usually goes golfing or does something with the guys and he ends up drunk and in the bar and doesn’t come home until really late and that usually happens on Saturday and sometimes Sunday. I used to not be able to sleep at all while he was out just wondering where he was, but I have gotten better. I still wake up a few times but it is not like before. He and my 17 year old son have had major fights and sometimes don’t get along at all. He has basically ruined his relationship with him and I just hope he doesn’t do the same with my daughters, but I am sure it will eventually happen. Even at their age,(10 and 12), they know he is a drinker and know when he comes home drunk and have known for a few years without me saying a word. I know that my life could probably be easier and better without and alcoholic, but when you have been together that long and have kids and are comfortable with your finances and all that you have built together it is hard to walk away and start over. I read a lot of comments that say to just leave and get out. Its not that easy for me, change is a scary thing for a person with some anxiety about a lot of things. I know he is very selfish and beer is his number one priority not his wife and kids. He tells me he needs to stop drinking so much and he can do it on his own, because he refuses to get help. I truly want to believe him and actually used to a long time ago, but now I know that even though he may want to stop, his want for beer is a much stronger want then his want to be sober and be more involved with our lives. All I know is I am glad I found this site it has helped me a lot, because unfortunately I am not ready to give him an ultimatum that I wont follow through with. I am sure some of you will judge me and think I am crazy for staying, but right now I am not ready to take that next step and honestly I am not sure if I will ever by. Most of your comments truly help me though, so thank you all!
I am with all of the other comments. Do not think things will change. I married my husband and we had a good marriage of sorts, but he was a functioning alcoholic, then he started losing his jobs, blaming everyone else for the things that went wrong. The last five years were hell. I was falling into a funk and decided it was time to leave. He had always said he could quit whenever he wanted to, but… didnt happen. He actually told me he liked his beer and it came first over us. I moved to Calif for almost a year, needed to put distance between me and his craziness.He ended up living in his car for a while and then finally a friend let him stay there.. He was drinking from am to sunset and anything he could get. He finally ended up in the hospital, completely unaware of where he was. A month later he passed away from his sickness. Unless they want help and admit they are an alcoholic, they wont change.
Good luck in whatever you decide
Katie…..your story is similar to mine. Run for your life. I have been married 42 years and finally my husband has stopped drinking. Want to know why? Not because he has this great love for me. Not for our kids. He almost died. In fact, I had given him an ultimatum because things had gotten so out of hand. He got so very sick and was next to death when he finally agreed to go into rehab. I am still with him and things are okay. Unfortunately, our daughter is also an alcoholic. All these years, he refused to see there was a problem. It was not a happy life here with him. Please listen to all these voices of experience. Move on.
Run as fast as you can. Not even my two small children could make my husband stop drinking. He died six months ago at the age of 40 and left behind a two year old and a seven year old. I thought that love would conquer all but trust me, against a disease like alcoholism, there is no way it can. He tossed our love and family away with not one single thought to our wellbeing in 2013 and chose alcohol over every thing that was good in his life and proceeded to drink himself to death after that. Trust me, you don’t want to be one of those people who lose the person they love to alcoholism. Its the saddest death I have ever witnessed. A good looking guy turned yellow like mustard, stomach hugely swollen and wearing a nappy. Did not even recognise his own kids. I know you love unconditionally and its the hardest thing ever to have to walk away from this man but you need to look after yourself. Don’t fall into the ‘denial’ trap and believe that he will change because it more than likely will not happen and if he does try, it will be a lifelong dread of anticipation for you as well as anxiety. Please please save yourself. If I could go back in time and do things differently, I would most definitely have walked away from the minute I saw that there was an alcohol problem but I was stupid and naĆÆve in believing that I would ‘rescue’ him with my love. Take care girl xxxxx
OMG!! There are a lot of good guys out there. Hard to do but walk away. Take care of yourself and your heart . My thoughts and prayers are with you. Always Denise
Run the other way , I’ve spent 35 years with my A Left at least 4 time n went back, Now I’m in my 50 trying to build a life. The hardest part is missing my kids and grandkids this disease has split are family apart,I left when he got physically abusive.Which my kids did not see, in turn they don’t talk to me! I stay to long it has skew up my kids,I have seen it most in my younger son with his girl friend, the lying,deceiving, and my A is not drinking but same actions. Honey, run……
married an alcoholic have a child with him got divorved, 3 years on I am climbing my way out of the typoooh he unleashed on us. now my son and I viit him in rehab… 3 years on nothing has changed for him.. this is how our weekends are spent with supervised visits and trips to rehab. he almost killed me from the stress he created in my life, I now suffer from trauma as a result.. believe me they become abusive when you take them away from their drink.. don’t fool yourself
The sad hard truth is that they do not change. It gets worse and will begin to take you and you future children with it. They can be functioning alcoholics and get by day to day but it will begin to get worse.
I have been married to one for 20 years. His job required him to be gone for long spans and I believe that is the only reason I have been able to deal with it for so long. Alcoholism is something I never dealt with prior. My naivety and age when I first got married kept me going for a long time. 20 years later and the damage it has caused his health physically and mentally is unbelievable. More so the damage that it has caused our children is undeniable now that they are older. They barely speak to him these days. If you choose to go forward…realize that you cannot save him or change him. Do any children you would have had a favor and don’t have them. They didn’t ask to brought into a disfunctional home. Don’t kid yourself into thinking that you can protect them from an alcoholic. You cannot.
So you have children with the alcoholic Katie, then
your children get disgusted with his attitude and
obnoxious ways you are already enduring. Their only
choice is to take your grandchildren out of state,
out of sight of you and your alcoholic. NO one in
their right mind would expose their children to
the personality that develops long term in an alcoholic.
Grab your hat and run, disconnect your phone and
do not go to places where he hangs out. Please break
away. Love your self and future children enough to
save your lives
My husband is completely out of his mind right now… Literally, he HAS to drink first thing in the morning to “normalize” than it’s on to drinking the rest of the day and night. It’s truly remarkable how an alcoholic mind works…. They truly do not see life as we the sober ones view life. Their reality usually consist of them being the victim in every situation and circumstance, and us the wives are the never ending problem that won’t ever go away! Believe it wont matter how sweet you are, how patient you are or how much you just want to see him happy and sober… If he doesn’t want sobriety truly in his heart then best believe the drinking will get worst and his resentment towards you will get worst… You’re probably saying… Why would he resent me? Well, you’re the sober one with too much reason to reckon with. Alcoholics like the wrong side of life it’s how they justify their behavior. If you continue to speak reason he will continue to drink and resent you… You will always be the reason in their eyes… Alcoholics are self made pity party’s.
There are so many excellent responses. I feel sad that another person is experiencing trauma from a functioning alcoholic. It is fact that the drinking will increase and the alcoholic personality will take over. In fact, even if an alcoholic stops drinking, they will still exhibit the same personality as when they were drinking heavily.
Anyone living with an alcoholic will eventually start losing their cheerful personality – they drain you dry. You think about them even if you are grocery shopping, out with friends, etc. It takes over and make you ill. The only thing that saved me was the days to 2 weeks that my bf would spend at his other house in another state. I also started seeing a therapist.
There is no rainbow in a relationship with an alcoholic – they are negative, unable to be in the moment and will be nice to everyone but the person who takes care of them. RUN
C
You are so right!!! My husband treats me like I’m the woman that ruined his life.
Sometimes it makes me sick when I hear him talking to friends or people of business on the phone and I hear this angel and I think “whatever!” He then hangs up and dare I say anything to him, he will cut his eyes at me and pretty much growl!! It’s hurtful but now I laugh because I’m feeling myself detach from him more and more. I’m just strategically making my way out… But it’s funny as mean as he is to me when he knows he could be in some serious trouble who does he call? It’s amazing!! I mean I will get a voicemail that starts off.. “Hello, it’s me your husband.” I just laugh because as soon as he is ok again I’ve been knocked back down to the bottom of the bottom of the list.
I am so sorry for you. I have a son that is an alcoholic and we are in pure misery. These people are very sick people and they cannot stop. It is sad. I know everyone says they can go to rehab but its not a for sure thing. They can be sober for many years and return. I dont want to say run for your life but maybe that is what you should do. I just wish some day they would find a pill to
help these people like they do for diabetes and different other diseases. This is truly a terrible
disease. I pray constantly for my son and that is all I can do.
Dear Kate
I’ve been going over the comments and empathize with every story.
I used to feel I wore a sign on my back that attracted alcoholics. The physical and emotional abuse is bewildering. I escaped with no way he could contact me.
Fortunately, my enabling days are over and hopefully my dear friend hit bottom.
And your lover needs to do the same. Without your help or nagging him to stop. He and only he can find sobriety, And, he can make false promises, lie to your face and tell you what you want to hear. But if he’s still drinking then your answer is starring you right in your face.
I am very sorry for you. I went through the same thing over 32 years ago. He was sober 11 years, went back out & has been drinking now for 22 years. He has gotten progressively worse. He was my best friend. My best friend has now lied, cheated, hit me to the point where he hit me in the face with a beer bottle & I had to go the hospital to have stitches & had black eyes & a concussion. It will not get easier. People told me & told me & I “love” him so I believed he would get sober again & change. Before he hit me with the bottle he told me he was now in love with a 20 year old hooker! He is almost 60. Now he is apologetic & on & on…I am a die hard & now I wish I would never have done it. I should’ve listened to everyone. I’ve wasted my entire life practically alone. If you think that can’t happen to you, it can & will. I am not a victim type, but little by little, year after year you get beat down emotionally & don’t even know its happening until its too late. Denial on both sides is deadly.
It is Saturday. My A is home. Hurray. He vacuumed the rug
(His mess from last night). So, in his eyes he cleaned the house.
He put 2 cups into the dishwasher. I loaded dinner dishes, cleaned out frig, collected scattered glasses, cat bowls,etc
Into dishwasher. I started the stupid machine and will put all away, but he did ALL the dishes. This will go on and on all day.
I stay in my bedroom on Saturday and Sunday or when he is home.
It is a horrible, controlled existence by a sick selfish miserable
Person. Get away. Do not put yourself a tortured life. God
Did nit givevus life to be unhappy
God lead you to this fork in your path. Make the choice for
Your good health. Take the path AWAY from the alcoholic.
You can never make him happy. You will never be enough. You
Will be dispised, blamed, mentally abused and drained.
He will steal your joy. Get away before you are STUCK.
God Bless You.
1 wk ago I celebrated my husband’s sobriety & let him come home…mind you he has been in out of the house rehab etcfor 4 yes š Monday he seemed offckuld tell he drank…by Wednesday I found the bottle if cheap vodka & asked him to leave again. I love him dearly but this roller coaster ride is simply unfair…I asked him to leave & not call me until he’s serious… Mad at myself for trying too hard in his addiction and saving him…Everyone has a breaking point…
Katie, you are young. There are plenty of men who are not alcoholics that you can spend the rest of your life with. The choices you make now will effect many years of your life. I hope you will really hear what people are saying about what life is like being married to an alcoholic. It’s not fun at all.
Sure, people go to Al-anon to learn how to cope with alcoholics. The truth of the matter is being married to an alcoholic is a very lonely life. The alcoholic is constantly choosing alcohol over the spouse.
I’ve been through several breakups in my life. I can honestly say that it’s painful for a little while, but things get better. Things just take time.
Well I wish I could add something to this that hasn’t already been said..but EVERYONE who posted hit the nail right on the head..RUN and don’t look back..EVER..I cant even stand to be around my husband when he is sober..his thinking is so messed up by the end of a 5 minute conversation I feel like Im going crazy…don’t think your love will change him, don’t believe his promises, when you try to leave they will do whatever they can think of temporarily to get you back..this gets worse not better..they are VERY sick people and will suck the life right out of you..Mine just last week took off 5 in the morning mad at the world( because its always someone elses fault ALWAYS) aka an excuse to drink..I come home at 9:30 in the morning and he is passed out hanging out of this truck in the yard..then will come in after awhile and pass out for up to 10 plus houses..get right up and do it again..wanna here the best part when I confronted him he DENIED drinking said he was thinking in the yard and fell asleep..there frigging nuts as the years go buy your either going to be so angry all the time you could kill him or so depressed and drained of all like..you will feel all used up and drained of all enery.. I get so fed up I actually just today told mine to stay the hell away from me and don’t talk to me..( his response is IM A BIG BABY..I went to work came home he was drunk the dogs were unattended and shit on the floor, he didn’t tend our chickens they were outside everywhere and right in the middle of all this hes telling me how useless I am while he sits on the toilet drunk grunting and making himself look like such a looser..all day he has been in his room with the door shut while I went to work again on 4 hours of sleep, tending all the animals, the garden , did the house work..everything..I stopped doing it at one point I find its easier to pretend I live alone and do it myself..Im at the point I hope mine rots in hell…..don’t sign up for a life like this..or YOU WILL be living the same life as the years go by….
Well the recorder I planted proved my husband is a nasty foul mouthed CHEATING alcoholic that could care less about me or this marriage. I actually heard him call up another woman telling her that he would like to see her!!! Wow, I was almost boiling. My first mind said don’t say anything keep it to yourself. My second mind said call him up and ask him about the woman he is picking up tonight!!! Well…my second mind won!! I called asked who the woman is he is picking up tonight! Of course I was crazy insane got cussed out for assuming!! Wow! So he hung up on me but then called back to cuss me out so more. I didn’t answer just heard the voicemail… Sounded like an angry guilty drunk to me!!
Patricia, so sorry to hear about this awful event in your life. I hope you will be able to find some way to get some rest this evening. Alcoholics are so sick. You can’t control your husband. All you can do is take care of you. The more you fight and argue the worse you will feel. Do our best to ignore him and do whatever you have to do to protect your emotions. Guard your heart and don’t let him hurt you more.
I too, wish I could add something that hasn’t already been said – at your young age, you have nothing to keep you, and yes, you should run and never look back. Please take what you have heard in all these postings to heart – we speak from experience and with love – things WILL NEVER CHANGE, and things WILL ONLY GET WORSE. I have been married to an alcoholic for many years – have four children and a grand child on the way. I can’t tell you the number of times I have tried to leave, only to be sucked back into the spider web. That doesn’t say a lot about me – I know. When the children were small, I believed they would be better off with two parents, even if one was a practising alcoholic. Now that they are older, they either have a lot to say about why I shouldn’t stay or have a lot to say about why I did stay. I have learned to live my life with and without my AH. I have a great support group and the most wonderful girl friends. Even though I don’t need to work, I do – it keeps me sane and gives me something else to think about other that worrying how he will be when he gets home. I am well respected in “my world” and even though it drives my AH crazy, I am at the point where I don’t care anymore. He’s not going to leave me – of that I am sure, so I have learned to do things that make ME happy. Katie – you don’t need to go down this same road. There are some wonderful men out there, and you are so young, you can have your pick. If you “settle” now, you are in for a lifetime of heartache, verbal and emotional abuse, craziiness beyond even your own comprehension, and resentment that may eat you alive. Very few ever get help, even fewer get sober – that’s the reality.
Hi Katie
My story is very similar to that of J except that I have just 2 girls (9 and 12) and my husband stopped contributing financially a few months ago. I have recently asked him to move out and despite my huge fears the kids seem to be accepting this. I have been doing everything (earning the money, cleaning the house, all childcare, organising family finances) for a while and coping well at the moment. I feel super human sometimes but at other times very lonely (and so grateful for this site as there’s no Al anon where I live). With him gone, ironically family and friends offer their support to me more readily even though I have so much less to deal with when he’s not there. If I knew then what I know now I would not have considered marriage and children with this person. I thought that he would be forced to grow up but it never happened. Ideally children should have a chance at having a mother and a father that put them first. An alcoholic parent doesn’t put their child first and the long term psychological effects of being manipulated, made to feel guilty and seeing the sad deterioration of their parent cannot be underestimated. Why create a life knowing this probability? The lovely, charming personality of an alcoholic gradually gets replaced by a bitter, mean one (though it can take decades) so this is no gift to any child. Since separating I now find it easier to support my husband because I’m not trying to hold back the emotions all the time. You might be able to help him as a friend but please do consider setting yourself free of a life sentence of a relationship with more and more frequent destructive behaviour and sadness. If it’s difficult to admit to those around you now the mess you’re in, just times that by 100 if you stay. I can tell that you are a warm, kind and strong person and I wish you the courage and wisdom you need to cope with your situation. Sending positive vibes your way!
I’ve been reading and posting on this site for a couple of years. Something about the comments on this particular post are more heartfelt than any other conversation I’ve been apart of.
There’s a very clear message here, avoid entering into a covenant with an alcoholic. I have cried several times while reading through some of these comments. The responses here are filled with compassion, empathy, sadness, amazing strength, sound advice and wisdom.
I counted about 14 times so far in the comments where people have said, “RUN”!
One thing that has not been mentioned about staying with substance abusers is the danger you put your own sanity in.
I was married for 8 years. If I wanted to see my H, I had to go with him to the bar. As it turned out, (and I eventually had to be told even) he was there to see other men. All I knew was that there was something very very wrong with our marriage. He was only too happy to buy copious amounts of alcohol for me. I was distracted, and numbed to the pain for a long time. I think he put things in my drink when I wasn’t looking, because there were wild episodes that never repeated after we split up. He wanted to make me look crazy so that his lies and gay cheating were overlooked.
I am sober now, living with the disgust in myself for allowing the poor treatment for so long. I live with PTSD, financial ruin and have to start all over. Believe me, everything you don’t like about him now will get 100 times worse once he gets a ring on it. Then you are trapped.
Do not marry him. I married my husband of 17 years not knowing he was alcoholic. We both drank socially and then the honeymoon was over. Your married, but your alone. He is not your partner, the alcohol is. He won’t be there for your children and if he is a mean drunk, like mine, his own kids will despise him. We have been separated twice, the police have been our house, and he promises it will never happen again. All they do is lie. My brother told me this joke not to long ago “How do you know when an alcoholic is lying?”
Answer: He is moving his lips! Its so true!
It is your choice if you want to continue with this relationship. If you do, you will be in for a very rough future ahead of you. Alcoholism is a disease which can be passed down from generation to generation. My husband’s father was an alcoholic and my husband turned into one during our marriage. One of my son’s is one also now. I should have left the marriage but I chose to stick it out. I’ve started going to Al-anon meetings and they help. This website also has very helpful information. Alcoholism will affect your whole life if you decide to stay in this relationship. Alcoholism can not be cured, controlled and you did not cause it. Read as much information as you can and even go to some open AA and Al-anon meetings before you make your decision. Good luck to you in your future.
I am sorry for your pain, confusion and fear, I have walked that very difficult and treacherous road that ended in the death of my once handsome, artistic, great husband. Let me say that you only you through prayer, meditation and guidance from God can decide what to do but I can tell you it will not be easy unless he finds sobriety and work his programme in AA like his life depends on it and you yours in Alanoon. He has a disease like cancer or any terrible disease. He does not choose to drink. It’s not a question of will power. You have to focus on yourself, not the alcoholic. Nobody has the right to bash a person and predict doom and gloom, on them. Alcoholism is a disease. I am in tears at all the bashing I hear. I was a bit naive when I married my husband but there were a few signs that he might be alcoholic and still married him because I loved him and wanted to see where this relationship would lead. When I look back at our life together, I see a marriage that for the most part had tremendous love, sacrifice, lovely children, financial success but a marriage plague by alcoholism pain, fear, illness, despair and the final blow was death and still there is pain. The death or separation does not end suffering in alcoholism. Staying with the man you love will mean choosing to love him while knowing he has an illness like any other only this one is alcoholism. In any marriage, we have to be sound ourselves, nurturing ourselves, loving ourselves, finding fulfillment in God, in work, in our children, friends hobbies and in our marriage. No one can make us happy and fulfill all our needs. That is a fallacy. If you ask me if I would willingly date and marry a man who I know is an alcoholic, the answer is no. Even now, I am not sure if I can face being in a relationship marry again but am I fulfilled… in many ways yes. Please Alanoon, God and prayer for your life and God’s will
I’ve been there with the recorder..the things I heard not cheating ( though he did years ago) but the way he REALLY thinks..I don’t bother with recording anymore it just leads to me being obsessed with a recorder and more obsessed with him..I try to just ignore him and though we live in the same house I try to live a separate life..My husbands father is an alcoholic and his fathers father was an alcoholic and my husband has been an alcoholic since 17 when his brother died..at first I just thought we were all young and he was just like the rest of us teenagers partying having a good time. they act like two year olds. He doesn’t help do anything and if he lets the dogs in once or does 3 dishes once a week in the sink you would think he did it all…My husband is an extremely selfish, verbally abusive, loud annoying alcoholic, when he isn’t here its wonderful when he is here its as if a hurricane is passing through…I do alanon phone meetings and sites on the computer and literature.alot of times ALOT of my day is connected to alanon if not I start feeling crazy again very quickly
Ann,
I read through all of these posts and I do not see “bashing”. I too married my husband when we young and thought that all of the drinking was in fact because we were young.
I married and thought that it would pass. I grew up…and figured he would too. He didnt. While I know somewhere in there he loves me in his own way…maybe it is because I am his life preserver.
You sound like you are an amazing woman and did an amazing job with what you had. The hard truth is the majority of us are life preserves and a life preserver can only take so much weight before they sink to the bottom of the ocean. All of these posts are from people that couldn’t take it anymore.I have kids and they got to a point where they couldn’t take it anymore. I thought I was doing ok until it fell apart. I had to choose between helping someone who didn’t think they needed help or wanted it and my almost grown children. I chose my children and ultimately myself. All of these posts are people who were able to choose themselves or people that are stuggling to. I hope your alcoholic appreciated the woman he had. Because 99.999999% of them do not. Somehow we eventually turn into a hindrance that they cannot live with or without and the abuse (whichever way it comes-verbal, physical) will escalate. Mine was subtle, verbal. It snuck up on me before I even realized it was happening. It isn’t a life. And any one thinking that their love will endure, repair or survive is sadly mistaken. To anyone considering a life with an alcoholic….please love yourself more and run! RUN RUN RUN
I have to agree with Ann. I married a man when I was young and stupid. Do not even know how I could have missed his addictions. Love is truly blind! We stay married just short of 20 years when his girlfriend came to the house with a gun. He said he loved her and wanted to be with her. So in order for me to keep the truck I drove him to her house. He had just gotten out of jail and I was the stupid one that got him out so she came and got him. I could not find him after that so when I finally saved up enough money while working a full time job and 2 part time jobs I got a divorce. A few years later I was at a public event and met him and her. I was pleasant but did not want to spend time with them. I went to my seat and to my surprise here he comes with his girlfriend. Sits down next to me and proceeds to tell me he divorced me and she is now his wife. Why the heck he felt like I would even be interested is amazing to me. This tells you that they are not right in their minds. Fast forward a few years and I have avoided him and his life. I made my way back to happiness and a better life. Due to social media a mutual friend let him know where I am. I am amazed at the story he told her. Said he had to leave me to save my life. Forgot to tell her about Annie Oakley. That is what I called his girlfriend. It always made him so mad. Anyway it seems he and Anne have divorced. He was in and out of relationships. Now he has hep-c and cirrosis of the liver. Claims he got hep-c from a mosquito bite. Can we say denial!! They are never responsible for their life. It is sad to hear all these things but when you look at it from a distance you can see the reap what you sow in action. I thank God everyday that he worked it out to remove me from his life. I can tell you I would never have left so I would be living his life if things had not turned out like they did. He is always telling our mutual friend how much he loves me and is just waiting for me to return to him. Talk about living a delusional life. I hope you can see from my story the kind of life you will have if you continue the relationship. I do have to say that I have learned A LOT in this journey. I believe those of us that marry alcoholics have as much wrong with us as they do so maybe it is Gods way of teaching us the lessons we need to learn. One big lesson is that do not count on someone else to make you happy. Find out what makes you happy then hold on to that and do not let anyone steal it from you. Guard your peace and happiness at all costs. Look out for your future for yourself. They do not look any further that the next drink. While they are drinking they will never grow as a person because to grow you sometimes have to experience pain and they use alcohol to dull all pain so they never have to think about a solution to a reason to change. Just some of the things I learned. Also all their drinking friends will always be more important than you or your family. My ex learned way to late that I was his best friend but he threw me away. Now lives with regret and bad memories when he lets himself remember things correctly.
I would just like to comment that “choosing to stay with someone” for love, if they have a deathly illness is one thing, but being emotionally abused or physically abused on a daily basis, is not required by any higher power. Once I chose to stop allowing myself to be abused, and break free, and take care of myself by practicing boundaries, and getting distance from my alcoholic ex gf, I started to feel better.
I wish I had listened to my parents and the still small voice in my head and not married my alcoholic husband. We’ve been together for 7 years married 4…. And in the beginning I was carefree, a little wild and a year divorced from my high school sweet heart, whom cheated on me….my husband now, was so charming. Hide the real him until a year into a our marriage. Things started to fall apart. He’d lose jobs…I’d have to go pick him up drunk from a bar and those were the good nights cause I knew where he was….most of the time he’d drive off and never return home until 5:00am still half drunk would tell me it’s non of my business where he’d been. He always says he never cheats on me. But I had a few woman leave me voicemails telling me who they seem him with…:anyways after a few years, and 2 DUI later jail times….I got him to promise to get off the highway and just drink at home. It’s been hell leading up to this point. I’ve experienced so much mental abuse….when he’s drunk he’s calls me everything under the son. When he’s sober he’s so guilty and hates what’s he’s put me through. But the longer we are together the less remorse he feels about his actions toward me. He can’t remember what he says and does so I just make up stuff on him now to make him feel sorry for me!! Ha. Oh did mention he’s had full custody of his two kids and I’ve been a full time stepmom for four years now. Yup raising his kids.
In my home…literally my home that I owned before we even met. So I was so young and dumb. I thought he was so different than all the other jerks out there….they are very charming and wonderful…it doesn’t last!! The real them comes shining through eventually. His kids have mother that’s proven unfit and we have no clue her whereabouts. So now these kids that I’ve grown to resent…cause they steal and lie and have bad behavior. Who deals with their messes too. Yup me. Not only am I taking care of a drunk but I’m also doing all the responsibile work for his kids, that have destroyed my home, and they hate me but yet love what all I can do for them and give….just like their father. I’m a teacher in out county at a Christian school where I attend church. His daughter has had social services called on us twice, when she gets in trouble and caught in her lies…she goes to school and screams abuse to teachers I don’t know and who don’t know our story with her…..she tells social services I’m on drugs and her dad physically abuses her. Yes he’s a drunk but he’s never physically abused anyone or myself. He even hides his drinking from his kids and takes the aggression out on me with his words and he Also has PTSD. He grew up in the streets of Chicago in a gang. I didn’t know the reality of that either. I was so nieve….I grew up in a rural country area in KY. I was sheltered and had an amazing upbringing. I have wonderful parents and family. His parents passed before I knew him and his other family members are bums!’n GET OUT NOW!’
I’ve been praying and on my knees in confusion. I’m growing to have hate toward him and his kids. I’ve never had hate in my heart toward anyone. I’m a loving calm person but I hate coming home to my won home. I have my dogs, the only thing that I live for and that keeps me sane….I have awesome ppl in my life and my family that support me and want me to get out. I’ve stayed too long. I’ve endured hell to only think things can’t get worse. He’s ruined vacations by staying drunk….he’s ruined family functions, date nights. Kids functions all for the bottle. He’s sick and now I’m dealing with depression as other stress related serious illnesses. I live at the Drs offices….I have chronic kidney stones fibromyalgia and k refuse pain medication….I don’t want any substance in my life!!! It’s sad that those kids are going to have to grow up with that man. It’s sad I’ve stayed this long. I’m leaving him! Wish I’d ran!
My last post was August 29. I ffinally got a really nice
Job. The A wrecks every day when I’m trying to get ready, I end up beet red , upset, forgetting what I need for work, and racing to my job . If he is not home he calls and calls and calls on phone with intention of upsetting me. Today Sat. I m off, he has been screaming all day. Just came in my bedroom to scream somemore. I cannot keep running out of my house. I m so embarrassed by this treatment. My
Y head is splitting. He has done his job, and wrecked my ability to fall asleep. Another score for the Alcoholic. Ever day gets worse.
If u are not stuck in this life, get away. There is no happy ending.
I do not believe in fairy tails anymore. I’m pissed, sad, disappointed, miserable, lonesome and discussTed with myself.
My familY is estranged because of him. My friends, don’t even know
Where they went. I do not pity the alcoholuc. They always do what they want. I pity me
Filomena – I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this when you are trying so hard to work every day.
I can relate as most of us can, I’m sure. I was out most of today and came home to my drunken AH ranting over everything. Literally yelling at the top of his lungs – and the language..ugh!!!
Personally I don’t get as upset as I used to. I am still working on it but following AlAnon’s advice to detach has been good. I still have the butterflies when he’s stomping and yelling but I do feel better equipped to manage my reactions.
I truly hope that you’re able to find some peace. If you can’t leave (like me) – and if you haven’t tried it – AlAnon can be a big help. Lots of support there as well as here. Good luck.
God help everyone. This is all insane. May karma come looking for all the a.
Once you get away from them.
Alcoholism is the best revenge in the world and you don’t even have to do anything!! It will take care of them.
Well,Iām back! I finally left my husband and got a new place for me and my little girlā¦ Now Iām struggling with missing him after hearing his I miss you messages. I havenāt told about my new place, should I? I also filed for child support in which Iām having mixed feelings aboutā¦ Why? I donāt know. Iām actually a little nervous that when he finds out that I applied for child support he is not going to want to work on our marriage anymore. Why do I even care? Why am I so mixed up
Be strong Patricia, you have made it this far and did the right thing of getting out. It may sound absurd but focus on the negative aspects of what it was like and what led you and your little girl to leave, what drove you to do this. Do you really want to go back to that ?
I hope you are ok and all is well, we are all here if you need us. Take care
Thank you Elaine!
I feel free but I’m still working through some codependent emotions. I’m also trying to finally shed my abused sjin. Not easy because I still live my husband… I miss him but I’m hurt.
I love the comment about Karma. So true
And, thank you all so much for the kind posts.
All of the remarkable strong people together
With the knowledge that alcoholism will push us away
From the pain. On the other side of the coin,
Alcoholism gets to stay with the source.
Hi All, i would like to chime in on Clara’s note above. I dont believe the alcoholic feels guilty when they’re sober, I believe this act of guilt, “acting like” they feel guilty is a manipulation, simply because they dont wanna hear us complaining. Examples my alcoholic might say “did I do that really?” “how do you put up with me?” “Oh I guess you really love me if you’re still with me after I did _____________”,,,to me its all manipulation, designed to diffuse they situation and get us off their back.
Any sincere person who expressed some guilt would make any and all efforts to not do it again. If it happenned because they were drunk, then they wouldnt get drunk again, if a sincere person even an alcoholic felt so bad that it happenned when they were drunk, they would seek recovery in AA, by going to meetings every single day, not by “words”, im so sorry, etc..bla bla bla.
Just my opinion.
Remember people this is a disease. The degrading and ignorant things being said should really stop. These are sick people. Go to a rehab facility and take some classes maybe you can learn a little more about addiction. Remember this could be yourself or your child some day. My husband and I are not alcholics but be have a child that is one so somewhere in our life line there is the gene. Remember your child could have the gene and if this gene is turned on it will be a terrible thing. I dont wish this upon no person. We need to pray for these people and be thankful that it is not us.