How I Interact With The Alcoholic Changed After Support Group Meetings

Prior to getting involved in support group meetings I was always defeated by the alcoholic’s actions.

 

 

  • When the alcoholic started an argument, sometimes it would take me days to get my head back in order…only to be faced with yet another upsetting incident that surrounded the actions of the alcoholic in my life.

 

  • I use to confront the lies in an attempt to get the alcoholic to fess up to the truth, something she never did. The only thing that ever became of my attempts was me being frustrated.

 

 

  • Honestly, from the time I woke up in the morning until I went to sleep, my subconscious and conscious thoughts were fixed on the alcoholic’s behaviors.

 

After getting involved in support group meetings, my interactions with the alcoholic changed.

 

  • When the alcoholic would stay out all night, I learned there was little I could do about it. As a result, I achieved serenity through letting go of the situation and going to sleep.

 

  • I started to recognize how the alcoholic was starting arguments all of the time and how to avoid accepting  the invitations to fight. This was an amazing accomplishment because prior to support group meetings we argued all of the time. I learn how to never argue with an alcoholic.

 

  • When the alcoholic would break plans that we had made, I learned how to have an alternate plan. In doing so, I was able to let go of the disappointment and forgive the alcoholic for not treating me as a priority.

 

  • As far as confronting the lies, I totally realized that is a waste of time and stopped that sort of thing altogether.

 

  • I can honestly say that the obsession with the alcoholic subsided and I started focusing on more positive things in my life.

 

If you are or have been involved in support group meetings, for friends or family of alcoholics,  what changes have occurred in your life? Leave your comments below.


80 comments to How I Interact With The Alcoholic Changed After Support Group Meetings

  • Bill

    Teri, hopefully you can find financial relief from the courts awarding your husband to help you out.

    Also, hopefully the two of you have built some assets that can be divided and you can see the hope of things getting better.

    As hard as this is for you, you will have a lot more peace in your life. Stay connected to God and Al-anon. Live this out one day at a time. The pain in this sort of change is very deep, but I can assure you that you will heal. I can also assure you that there are much better days ahead.

  • Denise

    Good Morning to all! I would like to share a poem my son sent to me a while ago. He knows my heart.
    EMPTY SPACES

    If there’s empty spaces in your heart,
    They’ll make you think it’s wrong,
    Like having empty spaces,
    Means you never can be strong,
    But I’ve learned that all these spaces,
    Means there room enough to grow,
    And the people that once filled them ,
    Were always meant to be let go,
    And all these empty spaces,
    Create a strange sort of pull,
    That attract so many people,
    You wouldn’t meet if they were full,
    So if you’re made of empty spaces,
    Don’t ever think it’s wrong,
    Because maybe they’re just empty,
    Until the right person comes along.
    Ernest Hemingway ( he was a raging alcoholic)
    The morning sun is just starting to make it’s way through the trees coming across my Father’s desk where I have pictures of memories. All of the oaks and maples are starting to put on their glorious fall display. The musty smell of Fall is in the air. I was thinking this morning that it would be awesome to meet each and every one of you. I wish each and every one of you a peaceful day. Take Care- Always

  • Bill

    Denise, what a wonderful share! Thanks for making my day a little brighter!

  • Moira

    Living with someone who has the disease of alcoholism, is not easy and can cause the family to become as sick themselves. There is hope and within all of us is the strength to allow us to live a productive life for OURSELVES. You can not cure, control, or change the alcoholic or anyone for that matter. Join an alanon group, get a sponsor, learn to set boundaries that are for your well being, accept the world around you and make choices that are good for you.
    Once you start to let go of the alcoholic and all their problems they will see a change in you. Mine did and did not like it at first, but gradually accepted it.

  • Connie

    SJC – No my AH did not blame or criticize when he was sober. He actually looked up to me since when he came to AA I was already sober 5 years & he only had a year when I met him. He was a totally different person. He did have a horrible father & was molested as a child & believe me he certainly tries to get mileage out of that. The problem he has with me is I had all that & more when I was a child & I’m not drunk or loaded anymore, I am not mean or sarcastic to people & I work everyday & function. He knows I believe that if you have problems like bad childhood, whatever, that that doesn’t give you a ticket to be mean to other people & it is your responsibility to get yourself to counseling & programs that will help you. He doesn’t say things too much that are disrespectful to my face, but he does not come home or I come home & catch him with some hooker in my own home so that I’m afraid to come home of what I might find, which is worse than disrespectful, plus him shooting at me when I tried to leave, the SWAT team having to come out for him with helicopters & everything & on & on. He is a really sick unit. I, too, am emotionally sick. I am still here. I believe you are right though, most people do not change much when they get sober. The ones who stay sober usually do, but then again, most people don’t stay sober. Very few people actually stay sober any length of time. This country is not hard enough on chemically dependent people. You don’t see an alcoholism problem in places like Iraq or India or places like that where the punishment is extremely harsh. That proves to me that you can stop if the penalty is too high. I did. The Big Book of AA says as far as staying sober that “God could & WOULD if He were sought.” It does not say “God could & MIGHT if He were sought.” I don’t believe we should do what they do to drunks in Iraq or other countries, but I don’t believe they are better off in “treatment” as opposed to prison or some gutter. I think we should make sure they really feel horrible. I could be wrong. This is just my observations over the last 40 years. I was lucky I had no family or anyone who cared about me. No one helped me until I went to AA & AA was different then, too.

  • Bill

    Moira, your words are so true! When I started participating in Al-anon my life instantly started to change for the better. Al-anon is a great place to find support, wisdom and knowledge that has the power to change lives for the good. Living with an alcoholic is so difficult when you aren’t connected with a support group.

    When I learned that I couldn’t change, control or cure the alcoholic that was so helpful in my daily interactions with the alcoholic.

    Prior to attending support group meetings, I really felt rejected, abandoned, hurt and frustrated. After continuing to participate in support group meetings, reading the literature and interacting with like-minded people, the loneliness diminished and I found more serenity in my days than frustration.

  • Connie

    JUST CALL ME VENUS. I am definitely a Venus Fly Trap & I’ve trapped something poison. No matter how I try it makes me sick & its trying to kill me from the inside out. I don’t seem able to open up & let it back out. It is inside of me spewing caustic substances & energy that I seem to be trapped with. I think that even if I open up to let it out it wouldn’t go, it would still leave something there that is poison to me. Everything it does is somehow pulling me down, weakening me on a daily basis & when I try to rid myself of the poison I can’t open back up. Hopefully it dies & mummifies soon to save my life. Not only is it poison, but it eats a little bit of me every single day devouring everything I am from the inside out. It is poison to itself, too. It is inoperable. God is going to have to extricate it from me somehow. He seems unwilling to do that for some reason. I have begged God to rid me of this codependent or whatever disease on numerous occasions to no avail. I wonder why? He rid me of alcohol & drugs. They have been replaced by my AH, I think. God doesn’t seem to want to save me from this. I am acutely aware that I am unable to save myself, just like with the booze. Why isn’t God doing for me what I can’t do for myself this time? Is it that I don’t want it with all my heart? Or does He just want me to stay in this & He thinks saving me from chemicals & my previous life on the streets is enough of a gift/miracle for one lifetime & I should be grateful for what I have now? ©

  • Bill

    Connie, I understand you, oddly enough!

    Just as you can look back and see God’s help in getting you sober and keeping you that way, you will eventually see with more clarity His work in this situation.

    So many times in my life, when I was going through the difficult things, crying out to God for help and wondering where He was, eventually… I would see His mighty hand in the mix.

    Keep trusting God…

    As this thread is about support groups, have you attended any Al-anon meetings?

  • My husband is still drinking his self to death in my opinion. He wakes up around 8am drinking until he passes out around midnight or later if he isn’t home drinking. What I have noticed is that he is starting to be distant and not affectionate. He walks by me without a hug or a kiss and acts as if my voice makes him sick. I am walking on egg shells because he is always so irritable and he has begun to criticize everything I do. He makes me feel as if he doesn’t like me, but then before he goes to sleep at night he says ” I loves you and I’m just going through something.” Then, we wake up it’s ok for maybe half hour until he is fully awake and drinking then it’s back to I can’t stand my wife! I know I shouldn’t be jealous of the attention he gives our 3 month old, but he has been so emotionally and mentally and sometimes verbally abusive that he makes me feel as if I don’t matter just our child! I know I am getting stronger since I have returned back to church and though I have missed two al anon groups I still feel the peace from my first two meetings. Now, tonight my husband decided at 9pm that he has to leave because someone owes him money and they have his pressure washer. Guess I was born yesterday once again! What really hurts is that he makes me feel like he is running from me! He acts like I’m making his life miserable. He did just lose his Aunt and he is grieving along with his alcoholism which isn’t helping but he makes me feel like he can’t stand me and that it’s my fault he is always stressed out when I speak to him regarding anything! He say’s it’s not me, but he makes me feel different. I don’t know what to do. I am trying to support him and be there for him but he is pushing me away. He goes into inpatient treatment in two days and I am afraid that either he won’t finish the program or he will come back worse, hating me and then back to drinking. I know I should have more faith but right now, I am truly confused as to what is happening! Anybody know how to cope with the irritability of an alcoholic husband? What causes him to be so agitated and distant? Please share any knowledge and advice on this matter.
    Thank you all for listening(reading).

  • Does anyone know if inpatient treatment really helps? Has anyone’s spouse gone to inpatient treatment and actually see a change and improvement? How long did they stay sober, and if they are drinking again how long before they relapsed after the inpatient treatment?

  • Anyone know why my alcoholic husband always seems angry with me and seems to like spending time with other people and family. He is always seems so indifferent towards me. He has put me through a lot and I still find room to forgive and try to love me but his affection towards me is very little and he never makes eye contact with me. I feel like he’s cheating on me or he’s trying to push me towards divorce though he says he wants to stay married to me. I’m really confused. He goes into inpatient treatment tomorrow and spending all his time with his male cousins smoking weed and drinking! I feel irrelevant and I’m hurt that he wouldn’t rather spend his last night home for 2months with me!

  • Connie

    Bill, I have definitely attended lots of Alanon meetings over the past 31 years of this marriage. That’s why I’m still alive & half sane as opposed to in some crazy house or dead. I am in the exact same place as when I was a kid. I went over to my friend’s house & her mother asked me who I was staying with now that my dad & Millie his new wife moved to Los Angeles? I immediately lied & said the neighbor. I had no idea they left town. My dad paid the rent for several months after that & then just quit. My mom had left when I was 2 years old while we were in Bermuda. So I am waiting for daddy to come home from being with his girlfriend somewhere as I live on the streets & sleep in closets of my friends. Just waiting like I am now…complete with the alone. I am seeing that I have never had it any other way.

  • Amy

    Hi Patricia,

    I am only speaking from my own experience, but your situation sounds a lot like mine. My loved one went to rehab and the whole time he was there he did not take it seriously and returned to drinking once back home almost immediately. I once asked him how he could go all that time without drinking and then have to start again. His reply was, because I don’t like being controlled. I am sure there are other alcoholics who have went to treatment and remained sober. THEY have to want to stop.

    As for the coldness, I see that more and more as time goes on. I small peck on the lips every now and then or maybe a quick hug. Leaves for hours and doesn’t call or tell me where he is going. Gets mad if I call him and tells me to grow up when I ask him where he is or why he hasn’t been answering his phone for hours. I asked him what if I need to reach him for an emergency and couldn’t. No reply. It is a sad life for them and us. I have been with him for 13 years. Everyone asks me why. I don’t have the answer. Codependent, stupid, wishing he would change? I guess until you live it yourself you don’t really understand. I see the good side of him when he isn’t drinking, but that isn’t often anymore. Everyone.. is more important to him then me. We don’t have any children together, but all of his friends are drinkers and like to party, so I guess that is why those people are more important to them then us. It does hurt when you want to be with them and they pull away. I guess maybe the irritability the criticism is just part of the disease and it helps to take the focus off from them.

    Take the time he is in treatment to do some nice things for yourself. Enjoy the time while he is gone. I know you will be thinking of him and wondering how he is doing. Hopefully, someone or something will help him realize how much he is hurting himself and the people who love him.

    Please post again and tell us all how things turned out. Wishing you the best of luck!

  • SJC

    Connie, Amy, Patricia, I can relate so much to all the feelings. The difference is my xah left me about 2 years ago and I am still hurt by it. I don’t get angry , I get my feelings hurt, it would be much easier on me if I could get mad and stay that way. But…I’m not made up like that.
    My father was a dry drunk and I was his scapegoat. My sister has the same vision of me that my father did and my mother was always their for me. Thank God I had one.
    Then I get married (late in life) and he was a high function alcoholic. Same angry, blaming, not being accountable as my father.
    Their were time he acted like he hated me and just wanted me out of his life. The things he said and did just seem to stay with me.
    We are divorced and I am free to move on and have a life. But, I really don’t have a family, parents are deceased and I stay away from my sister because I can’t take being treated like I’m a 15 year old that is the problem in the family. I don’t believe in people anymore. I use to be sociable and go
    places all the time…I don’t feel like it now. It helps reading the comments from everyone on this site, makes me have people to relate to. I had dreams about my emotions last night and woke up several times crying.
    In my dream a friend was fixing my hair and started to cry, I ask her why she was crying and she said I don’t want you to die, I want you to find a reason to live for. I said, what reason and woke up crying. I am having a hard time moving on with life and not sure what to do. I plan on getting the book tomorrow Codependent No More.
    I did realize today how a’s lie about everything. My xah could be mad, I would ask, are you mad, he would say no I’m tired (lie), 6 hours and 2 two drinks later
    he would blow up (lie). I would say I ask you
    if you were mad and you said no. He would say i’m not mad…I’m frustrated (lie).
    Not sure what to do with myself. Thanks for letting me vent. Tough day.

  • SJC

    Any comments, suggestions or books to read
    are welcomed.
    Oprah (OWN station) has her Super Soul Sunday and The Help Desk on tomorrow. Lots of good info and insight.

  • Connie

    SJC – Spent most of my life feeling like you do. I’m better now. I read “Codependent No More” seems like about 20 years ago & then her follow-up book “Beyond Codependency.” They both give you lots of information. The best ones for me were the “Getting Them Sober” books by Tobey Rice Drews. There’s 4 of them. When I read those books I thought that “my husband wouldn’t say that (what the book said) if I said the same thing, but I tried what she told us to do & said what she told us to do & I was shocked to see that not only did my AH do exactly what she said he would do & say what she said he would say, but he said the exact same words in some places. I couldn’t believe it. I still have a copy of that first one & handed out lots of them especially when I worked at Child Protective Services. Anyway that first “Getting Them Sober” book has save my life over & over again for the past 20 years. My AH was sober for 11 years & I keep believing it is going to go back like that, but the last year I have been thinking I’ve wasted my time as well as most of my life. Lately he has been staying home a lot & acting like he’s trying to get better & he has been working pretty steady & now the last couple of days he’s gone again. Methamphetamine & booze. I hate myself because I have prayed for God to either kill him with the meth & booze now or get him sober. How could I feel that way, but I do. I had to go to therapy for a long time before I realized this is not my fault. I felt like it was my fault because I stayed. I’m not the 1 who lies & cheats & I pay the bills & take care of myself. I have changed went to school, got a job as a paralegal, worked on trying to make our lives better. I don’t do anything about him, but support him. It took a shrink to tell me that. I have been feeling just because I stayed here that it was my fault. Like if I don’t leave I deserve it. This house is paid off because of my work & the house is in my name so his garbage can’t make us lose it. Its me who took care of this animals, house, bills, et al while he was in prison for 3 years & then another year later on. Today since I know its all startin up again, I have tightness in my chest, & fear & all the screwed up feelings that come along with this. It’s horrible. I’m going to a meeting tonight. That will save me. Plus, I went to see my 91 year old mom yesterday & she’s in a care home. She doesn’t know who I am. She left when I was little so don’t ask me why she matters, but she does. I don’t even really know her. I was 2 when she left, but I still have their weird connection when I see her. I want to have something mean something to me, also. Sometimes I wonder why I’ve have fought so hard to stay clean & sober myself for the last 36 years. My life is just as bad as if I never stopped because of my AH’s addictions. This therapist have been working with lately is helping me a lot. I see so much that I never allowed myself to see before. Denial is a wonderful thing is some ways. It kept me alive long enough to get the strength to make changes. I don’t want to go back to him shooting at me or hitting me. The last time I ended up in the hospital with a bloody head & a concussion. I tell myself never again. I beg God to help me. I don’t want to go back to that, ever. I’m scared I will allow myself to be killed. Both the police & doctors have told me he’s not gona get better. He’s 57 years old & been drinking & doing drugs his entire life accept for that 11 years he stayed clean & sober. I can see so clearly that I’m sick also. I get mad because I have worked at it for the past 36 years & everything has changed for the better except my AH. That has deteriorated.

  • SJC

    Connie, I read Codependent No More and Beyond
    in the early 90’s too. Do you think Getting Them Sober would help where I am at now more than Codependent…. My father is dead and I am divorced from my xah. I know my troubles do come from all this sh**. I was wondering today if my feelings about how my xah disappointed and hurt is more about my father. I am praying that God will help me get pass this and enjoy life again. I have no desire to get involved in a relationship…hope that will change in time. So…I can go and get hurt again. LOL

  • Susie

    I am so glad I am reading your posts. I have experienced the same things with my AH…coldness and blaming towards me only. Tide has turned on him. He started last year with the drinking, new cell phone and girlfriend. He was a dry drunk for the 12 years we were together and I wasn’t aware of the implications of that. I started in Al-Anon AGAIN last year. I tried it in the 80’s, 90’s, 2000, 2006, but this time was different. I got a sponsor. I listened to the tapes and attended meetings twice a week. I SO understand what evolved. An alcoholic drinks and we don’t notice the change in behavior and attitude until years later. I am studying Medical Office and Billing and we are studying psychiatric codes for billing. Alcoholism is listed….Alcohol induced mental disorders; delusions with jealousy, mood disorder, anxiety disorder; sexual dysfunction; insomnia; paranoia; sleep disturbance. They make us just as sick as they are. When psychologists treat them they also have to deal with us, their families members who don’t understand the dynamics and try to defend them. What else do I see in the medical books? alcoholic amnestic confabulatory, hallucinosis, insanity, mania, deterioration, dementia, cirrhosis, chronic brain syndrome, cardiac problems, liver damage, Korsakoff’s. We the sober ones try to make sense out of this? We are the crazy ones!

    My husband left in May. He is living with a woman alcoholic, his new lover. I think the viagra and drinking caught up with him because I got a phone message from the dermatologist about his appointment tomorrow. Interesting. I live in the house and he pays the bills and covers my car insurance, health insurance, everything, plus pays me separation support. I have never felt so at peace and free finally after 12 years. His new girlfriend is supporting him, for what? Sex. Crazy. He’s not coming back here…locks are changed. His new friends have liver damage skin smell and color.

    I pray that he just DIE and people who don’t understand a lick about this say that is mean. Hey, I didn’t cause it, can’t control it, can’t cure it. This is on him. Half his retirement and 401K are put in my name. He has nothing but his penis and his alcohol. I don’t want it. I have lived a life with alcoholic parents, it is my time to be free of all this mess.

    Keep writing everyone, because the more I read, the more free I feel. Recovery is about getting our lives back! More power to all of us. Remember “nothing changes if nothing changes!”
    Blessings to all of you.

  • SJC

    Susie, What do you mean by…. I think the Viagra and drinking caught up with him because I got a phone message from the dermatologist about his appointment tomorrow. Not sure

  • Denise

    Hi Susie,
    Are you inferring there has been overuse?? LOL. I have to tell myself many times during the day that it is not my fault. He was on vacation last week and 5 of those days he was drunk. I would come home from work and he’d be in bed drunk. I thought that’s a good place for you and he would stay up there all night. Good for me! I have been visiting my son and his wife on a regular basis and all of a sudden he started asking how the kids were doing and are they done with their kitchen. Keep in mind about a month ago my AH said he hated all three of us with such venom I couldn’t even talk or look at him for at least a week. Well, guess what- it will be a cold day in hell before I tell him anything about my children. My sons have my back.They are wonderful. My daughter-in-law and her family are very sympathetic and supportive. Every one knows someone who is an alcoholic. Everyone. It’s crazy and sad how many lives are being impacted by alcohol. I have said in the past make sure you have all your financial documents either changed ( beneficiary) or set up separate accounts if you can. Banks financial advisors are more than happy to help. Very professional and understanding about the situation. Susie I have said the same things you have. I know where you’re coming from. They are like Jekyll & Hyde. I’ m quite frankly sick of both!!!!! Total detachment. That’s the way to go. Oh sure every so often you might have a little meltdown but that’s o.k. We’re dealing with a lot of CRAP!!! Stay Strong. Don’t let them get to you! It’s NOT YOUR FAULT . Take Care Denise

  • kim

    I have attended Al-Anon meetings in the past (my sister is an alcoholic and asked all of her family to attend in support of her) But the thing is, it wasn’t until I went to those meetings that I figured out that my husband is an alcoholic and his drinking is affecting me worse than my sister’s ever did. I don’t live with her! I tried several meetings and never really felt like I was in the right group for me…..I’m going to keep trying though, I realize how important they are in learning to let go of him.

  • Susie

    Viagra and drinking has a link to melanoma, a deadly skin cancer. My AH had precancerous skin lesions removed in May of 2013 at my insistence. He inferred that it was my fault he had them. Uh huh. Since he hasn’t changed his phone # at the dr.’s they called and left a message that today he had his apptmt. I called and told them not to call me. Not my business. I didn’t ck on him or remind him. My Al Anon sponsor reminds me that he is NOT thinking about me. That makes me stronger. I look at the picture on the door covering up the hole where he punched it when he was drunk. So crazy. I don’t need that in my life. He is going to die like his brother did two years ago…esophageal cancer and alcoholism. Like my other brother-in-law and his brother-in-law. With his new alcoholic girlfriend.

    Tell you a funny story. My friend left her A BF two years ago. A sheriff shows up at her door last week with divorce papers. Seems the woman he married 30 years ago in a state half way across the country from where my friend lives just remembered they got married 30 years ago. He is out drinking. He doesn’t even remember marrying her. He hasn’t seen her in 29 years. Weird.

    My just ran into another girlfriend from years ago this week. Her A BF left her 5 years ago. She hit the whiskey bottle for 5 years bemoaning the fact that he left and she still loves him. She weighs 100# and her life is a wreck.

    We can moan and cry or just get on with our lives because NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES.

    I met another lady, she’s my age, in her early 50’s. Her AH left her when she found out she has metastatic brain cancer. What a jerk! A’s are SO self-centered.

    My A couldn’t deal with my breast cancer. As if….(he was going through all the surgeries, chemo, radiation) give me a break!

    I understand so much more by listening and sharing at Al-Anon. The key is a good sponsor who won’t coddle you but speak the truth in love.

    Keep writing. Life will change.

    My friend has one other story that sticks in my mind. She had a friend with an AH that left her. She pulled herself up, got an education and a good paying job and moved on with her life. They had no contact for years. He got sober. They reunited and re-married and they have been happy together and sober for 10 years.

    We just don’t know. Life is short. Live it! They certainly are!

  • Valerie

    I just cannot have the drinking and all the things that come with it lying, anger, broken promises, all the pain, insults. He does not want to quit drinking doesn’t see it hurts anyone. Doesn’t own anything that has destroyed our relationship. I have decided for us to end and him to leave. This is the end to this horrible pain, the doubts just all the ugliness that this drinking brings.
    Thank you all for your comments, advise…I have tried, I am just not up to this, God Bless you all and give you the strength to do whatever it is right for you.

  • Susie

    Valerie,
    I am SO proud of you! Follow your own path and your dreams. Live the life God planned for you. One of joy and peace and love. Best to you. That is what I want in my life too. Thanks for reminding me that that is all I am missing by having my AH walk out on me. I am surely blessed! Thank you for your post!

  • Valerie

    Well, the decision has been made…this is the last 7 days he’ll be here…Nov 1 he should be gone from my home and my life. I will then work on me to stop the hurt. Hurt? yes because I love him…or if not what a sham, I’ve invested my heart, home, life into trying to make us ‘work’. He only did when it was convenient. He doesn’t seem to be phased by the move except that it’s going to cost him more. The difference here as I read all the posts is there hasn’t been a firm foundation for anything to work. We are much too different…God Bless you all. I pray the Lord continues to lead my way.

  • Connie

    I hate this shit. My alcoholic husband about midnight after being on the phone came out & said he had to go somewhere. I know that means he’s not coming home tonight. He acted like there was an emergency & left really fast. I wish I had someplace to go. I wish I had money to go. I can’t let him keep doing this kind of stuff, but I don’t know how to do anything different. We were married 31 years the 20th of this month. 20 years have been like this with drinking/methamphetamine. He is a 57 year old man. Almost 60 years old & trying to act like a teenager. Believe it or not, I am just now being able to really see how I have been living. I am an expert at denial. I have been unable to even see who he really is. Its so weird. I just didn’t want to believe he would do some of the stuff he’s been doing so I believed in him to a fault. All I know is that I am in excruciating emotional pain right now & he doesn’t care. I can’t get it through my head that he really doesn’t care. He just wants what he wants & who cares who he hurts. I don’t know how to get out of this anymore.

  • Susie

    Connie,
    I am so proud of you for posting! You see, you know what to do, now do it! Go to a support group, find an Al-Anon meeting, get a sponsor and immerse yourself in it! Go slow. One day at a time. Your story could have been written by me. Al-Anon will teach you how to take care of yourself. You need to do that. What is getting me to step up for myself is the thought that “HE IS NOT THINKING ABOUT ME”. And you are right. He is not thinking about you and hasn’t for years. Do it and write back. Go to at least 6 meetings before you give up on Al-Anon. You can always have your misery back. Al-Anon members share what got them through and you will start to understand patterns and denial for what it is. Please don’t waste anymore of your life. I am not saying leave your A. I am saying CHANGE. You have to change the dynamics of the relationship. Make his head swirl like he is doing to you. He may even seek help. When one person in the relationship changes the other will have to respond. Don’t do it alone. You need support. The A’s and addicts are masters of deceit.

  • Deerfriend

    I feel so grateful to read these posts as it’s excruciating to be with an alcoholic and feel the intense sense of isolation this dynamic creates. It is very hard on one’s self esteem. It really helps to know others have moved through this pain cycle and that there is potential for a happy life. Thank you everyone!

  • Rosana

    Boy I see a lot of people either up late or early sending their comments. It is a difficult life but reading the comments I know am no the only one working through this alcoholism. My boyfriend currently at his second program it is 30 days, last October 2014 he was at 90 day program. It is right the recovery is a PROCESS. Just like trying to lose weight. We have to figure how we want to put our lives together either together or apart. What I am willing to accept for me. What am I willing to change for the betterment of the relationship. Having an alcoholic boyfriend means going to Al-anon meetings, learning tools for solving conflicts appropriately being an pro-active participant in our relationship. I am wondering if I want to continue? This is an easy way out. In the future how we apply what I have learned or will I repeat the choices just a different person. Do I want to continue with a person who has put his mental and physical health at risk. And more importantly my mental health! what about that? I am important to Myself and my family.

    My boyfriend latest episode of binge drunkiness was cause by him not having a plan B. He had his sights set on a beautiful apartment and a pet dog. Well this apartment fell through and the dog became an issue at my home where he was staying while looking for a place to be. First he got the dog and next the apartment did not happen. Now the pressure was on and no plan B. My gosh I am a mom, a mom life is a having a back up plan A all the way to Z if necessary. He went missing for some days I finally went to the VA oh he is a vet. I tried to see his social worker i was concerned about him. Furlough Fridays not her day to be there. Oh boy what a theater I give there they send out the police to do a welfare check. I filed a report with them. I had been receiving phone calls and then they stop he had at least 3 visit to to ER room in the county. What I think it all boils down to is no skills in conflict resolutions or appropriate coping skills. All the lies, manipulations, self pity, charming attention I have received were not to my benefit. This AWOL stunts left me worried sick. And him in the program have been difficult too. I can honestly say I miss him but not ANY OF HIS BAGGAGE! I spent Valentine’s day without him and I did not visit him either. Ha to that. I hope everyone finds peace and joy in life, it is there.

  • SJC

    Rosana,
    When You See Crazy Coming, Cross the Street.
    per Iyanla Vanzant
    she has a show Oprah’s station (OWN). Watch her sometime.

    Just got an email from Oprah this morning with this title. The article should be on Oprah.com today

    I think if they have drank for decades the damage is done to the frontal lobe and they will always have a mean dark side. My father was a dry drunk and still used me as a scape goat, 3 years after he stop drinking. I have been in self help for 30 years and live by the sword but you have to have someone on the other end to communicate with. I think A’s run from their feelings. I will never get involved with a recovering A or a practicing A. They are to damage. Once you take away the alcoholic now you have their childhood (the reason they drink). Just my thoughts. No good can from being with one of them.
    If this is what it is like not living with him…what will be like to live under the same roof. It will be like all the comments people
    make that do live with one. Mine was very high functioning, made good money, nice home, we traveled alot and he was funny. But life was very hard, I ended up taking Xanax the last year I was with him. And I know how to communicate and that caused us alot of problems because he couldn’t and then would act like I was the crazy one and he just had to get out. I’m not perfect but I know how hard I tried to clear the air and tyr to get him to talk from his heart. They can’t do it…feelings make them want to drink.

Leave a Reply