Living With A Mentally Abusive Alcoholic

Guest Post By: Marina


I feel so low and lost. I have been working the Al-Anon program,
watching your videos, doing what I can to change my attitude and to
love unconditionally. I do not think I am strong enough to cope with
an active alcoholic. Before my husband, I was in an abusive
relationship for 7 years (physically, mentally, and emotionally
abusive). I had an eating disorder for the duration of that
relationship and it took a lot for me to overcome that. Now, to live
in a foreign country (with no family nor friends around), and to be
married to an alcoholic whom is mentally and emotionally abusive is
draining. I can’t say anything, I cannot have an opinion. Anything I
say, he gets angry and I am, “ruining a good thing/moment.” He can be
such a sweetheart, but it is becoming more rare. Everyday I wake up
and do my readings, remind myself of the slogans. I tell myself, I am
going to be happy today, the world and people are so beautiful, how
can I not be happy? I pray and thank God for my blessings and continue
to ask for strength. But to be honest JC, I cannot shake the feeling
that someone has tied my hands together, bound my legs to the back of
a truck and dragged me on a road filled with sharp rocks, broken
glass, and dirt. I have been dragged for so long, my body has become
numb to the pain.

We just went through a brutal battle with immigration. 18months of
tears, fighting, sleepless nights, stress, and struggle. Now, to be
faced with his alcoholism, my knees are buckling. His excessive
drinking during the process wasn’t his way of dealing with the
immigration. I now know he has been dealing with a pain and struggle
long before I ever came into the picture.

The resentment and bitterness are taking hold of my heart and I
desperately try to fight them off. I don’t know what to do, JC, I
don’t know what I can do. Any advice?

JC: Thanks for your submission Marina. You are not alone in dealing with a mentally and emotionally abusive alcohol addicted spouse.

Here are a few articles you my find some hope and ideas from:

Should I Stay With An Alcoholic

Christian Married To An Abusive Alcoholic

Warning Signs Abusive Alcoholic Relationship

9 comments to Living With A Mentally Abusive Alcoholic

  • Amy

    Please everyone, I need your help. When my boyfriend goes into his verbally abusive rage stage at 9 PM at night, what am I suppose to do? I have asked him to stop, it just makes it worse. I have sat there quietly, I have yelled back (which I know is a no-no), but a person can only take so much. We live in a 1 bedroom apt, so there is no where to go, but the bathroom. Most of the time these rants last for over 2 hours. I have no friends or relatives near by so what do I do? How do I block it out? I have a car, but where am I suppose to go in the dead of the winter for 2 hours? Please someone help me on advice of what I should do during these times of verbal abuse.

  • Amy,

    I was in the same boat as you however, I finally left my abusive boyfriend yesterday afternoon after he kept me up literally all night Thursday and he actually had the nerve to call 911 to falsely report I was drunk, abusing him and he was in fear of his life!! He had checked himself into a detox/rehab facility on November 24, 2014. After he was detoxed he felt miraculously cured. Against everyones attempt to persuade him to stay, he checked himself out 2 days ago and once he got home, all hell broke loose! I wasn’t aware he had checked himself out until he walked into the house and I was totally shocked. He immediately began to once again bully me, called me some horrible hurtful names, accused me of stealing his car (which was parked in our driveway). His verbal and mental abuse continued until 2:30 a.m. Friday morning. That’s when he became paranoid and convinced I was going to kill him while he slept. Like you, I had nowhere to go so I went into the basement to get away from him but he followed me totally convinced he needed to ‘stay vigilante’ all night because his paranoia was out of control. At 2:30 a.m. he called 911!! Told them I had been drinking, was drunk and was going to kill him and he feared for his life!! Five minutes later 3 police cars are at my house and I was scared to death! A very kind, compassionate young officer spoke to me alone, saw I was shaking, emotionally drained, obviously not drunk ( I don’t even drink!) And listened to me. Within minutes they removed my boyfriend from our home and I started packing! Last night I slept 12 hours and it was the first time in months i’ve had such a peaceful sleep. Amy..please don’t let this man tear you down or hurt you anymore! It was hard for me to leave but I am at peace with my decision and I will never go back to him. My mental, emotional, physical and most importantly, my spirtual health is way more important to me then this guys drinking problem. Leaving is easier said then done but staying is even harder. I’ll be praying for you.

  • Amy

    Thank you Patty. I am happy to hear you found the courage to leave, but sad to hear what you went thru. Wow, that must have been really difficult. Well, on my end of course the next day he apologized which he has done hundreds of times before, but this time I feel different. I don’t hate him because the is just not the type of person I am, but it’s just I don’t want to even be near him, look at him, talk to him, or even seem to care about what happens to him anymore. I guess I kind of feel like whatever. I have tried so hard for so long and I know in my heart no matter how much I want it he isn’t going to change. He told me he doesn’t want to and his beer is more important then me. My story goes way deeper then all of this, but it would take me a long time to type it. I wish you the best and hope I can someday soon find the courage you have to just get away from him once and for all and let him live his so called happy drunken life. Thanks for the prayers. I’ll do the same for you.

  • Amy

    Amy,what I had to do was get the focus off the A and what he is doing and get on with my life, I attend online alanon meetings, we live in a remote area and face to face meetings are so far away I get on this site and read and read, for YEARS I have fought, manipulated, well in short I have tried everything, and he is still drinking basically around a half gallon a day,what I did and am slowly doing is changing me, the only person I can change! I gave up tanning, walking, exercising, running anything and everything I ever enjoyed to spend my life obsessed over an alcoholic and trying to get him to stop drinking,I have been where you are and sometimes I still get just as mad and don’t even want to be near my A..When I am home I stay in my own room and he sleeps on the couch, I have to distance myself from the insanity for myself , being around it to much makes me feel crazy, sometimes he comes in here and I can tell he is going to try and fight with me,I divert his attention and ask him to go find something for me and he does..hey it works, then he comes back and asks me if I need anything and lays 200 dollars on the stand, I don’t say anything, then he goes to the store and flips the boat trailer he still had hooked to the back of the truck ( to drunk to remember it was still there ) I didn’t even say a word, no point ,, he has had several DUI’s and still drives, I have put him in jail for hurting me, the cops have been here several times over the years, we have had fights so bad the house was all but destroyed from throwing things and fighting..I have searched for bottles, I have confronted lies, I have watched him to go A.A only shut me up, I have heard countless I am a sorry’s and I am done drinking..I could go on and on..unless the A wants it themselves its simply not going to happen, no matter what we say or do…My A can also become very angry and rage when drinking the minute I came through the door today he started screaming about the dogs, I turned around and walked out and left for an hour, when I came back he was still trying to fight me with me about the dogs it was drunken foolishness I just agreed ,,and said o.k we are done , do what makes you he stops sometimes it can be so bad I cant find a way around it and I have to leave and I swear if I had to walk through ten feet of snow to get away from him if need be that is exactly what I would do…

  • Denise

    It’s the holidays. Supposed to be a happy time.Never with alcoholics. I call my son about getting together. No call back. Yeah- having a bad day. The booze is still flowing. Time for a walk with my dogs.

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  • So my ex-alcholic boyfriend will not leave me alone. He is still attempting to bully, control and verbally abuse me through emails, texts and phone calls to my family members. I have not responded to him at all and I know that’s pushing him over the edge even further. I want nothing to do with him but obviously he’s not accepting my choice. He is putting me down, calling me names, threatening to file ridiculously false made up charges against me and file a restraining order, against me! He continually calls and texts my father and is doing his best to get my folks to turn against me. The man isn’t just an alcoholic. I believe he’s mentally ill and needs anger management counseling and medication for bipolar. Any suggestions regarding how to stop this nut job from continually harrassing me? He threw me out of our home 9 days ago, wanted me gone and now he won’t leave me alone!! What’s wrong with?! So frustrated! !

  • Amy

    Sounds like typical alcoholic behavior to me,this is simply the way they are , I think he is just making a lot of noise he wants to get a reaction out of you, Mine has thrown me out of the house drunk, then come to find me the next morning professing his undying love, and tell me how he will never drink again, how he is going to go to A.A etc..only to drink again then if that doesn’t work he tries getting mad and harassing me, and about anything he can think of to stir the pot, think of them like big babies having a temper tantrum. Mine has called my parents drunk saying ridiculous stuff and also personal things about our relationship to them anything that in his head makes me look bad and him look good, but my parents know what he is and they just either hang up now or unplug the phone, you need to go to alanon, focus on yourself,alanon is a great program a life changing program, you cannot change them and what they are doing or how they are acting, but you can change yourself..keep your side of the street clean you will feel a lot better

  • Christina

    This sounds like my life on a daily basis. I am in such pain.I have to leave my alcoholic husband.I have a 14yr old son and it’s taking a toll on him. I am so afraid. He has made our lives a living hell! Putting me down calling me horrible horrible names accusing me of sleeping with other men and taking drugs. I have never touched a drug in my life. I don’t even drink alcohol. I am so depressed and feel sick. My life feels so overwhelming rite now. He is a monster. Nothing like the man I married 15yrs ago.I am 40 years old and I don’t know how to cope anymore.

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