What Does A Real Alcoholic Act Like

JC: Olga, thanks for submitting your questions about what does the true nature of someone addicted to alcohol look like. We have had many discussions on this site surrounding this very subject. In simple terms, if the person’s drinking habits are causing problems in your relationship and in their individual life, there’s a good chance you have a real alcoholic on your hands. I have included some links below your submission to articles on our site that will help you understand what a real problem drinker might act like.

 





Please feel free to leave a comment below.

Submitted by: Olga

Can you tell me the difference between a ‘problem drinker’ or alcohol abuser and an addict (alcoholic)? I am confused as to the difference. My husband shows some signs of having an addictive personality, lack of regard of consequences, risk taking (has driven drunk) and drinking alone etc… but at the same time, when I am around, he can respect limits. These upsetting incidents only seem to happen when I am at work as he has a day off (He can also respect limits for the sake of his work). I do not wish to underplay the seriousness of his issue as I am fully aware that either way he is playing Russian roulette with his life, but at the same time, how I deal with this issue? I will eagerly await your guidance…

JC: Olga, you will find a few answers to your questions about what does a real alcoholic look like here:

Personality Of An Alcoholic
Social Drinking and The Alcoholic

250 comments to What Does A Real Alcoholic Act Like

  • Olga,

    Hi, after reading what you have written, it sounds like your partner has a problem drinking. If you have spoken to him about this and he’s in denial, that’s a red flag. I have a boyfriend who drinks alone, drinks every day in fact, and I know if I asked him to choose between the bottle or me, the bottle would win, sadly to say. Alcoholism is a progressive disease Andalusia I can say is get to.an Alanon meeting. You will learn much there about the disease and how to take care of yourself. God bless you on this journey.

  • Nancy

    Olga: There are alot of “functioning” alcoholics out there.
    In my experience with the alcoholic, I wondered the same things you are, is he an alcoholic or a problem drinker? The “problem” drinker is in the early stages of the disease. As the drinking continues the disease progresses. Along with the progression of the disease comes with; not being able to control those urges and making bad decisions.
    Sounds like you have already set boundaries with him that he isn’t willing to cross. That is a great thing.
    In my own situation those boundaries with him get pushed to their limits.
    Find an Al-anon group; if you don’t like one try another one. It is a very helpful, and helps you, which in turn helps the alcoholic.
    Good Luck to you!

  • Olga, not sure why my iPad typed Andalusia above, what I meant to say is… Alcoholism is a progressive disease and all I can say is attend an Alanon meeting to learn about what your darling with. You can’t fix the alcoholic, control them, and if you give ultimatums, know this could backfire on you, so if you make them, be sure its something your prepared to follow through with. Reading on this site will help a lot too!

  • Ben

    Hi Olga,

    I would say your husband is an alcoholic. Just because he doesn’t have ALL of the traits of an alcoholic doesn’t mean he is not an alcoholic. My wife (we’ll call her “Nikki”) is convinced she is not an alcoholic because 7 years ago she went on a three week mission trip and didn’t die from withdrawal, so therefore, she is not an alcoholic- although this awful drug has caused her to lose her relationships with two grown children, her parents, her brother, she is about to lose her nursing career because she is going from “functional” to “non functioning”. This is why they call it denial…..It seems like you know the answer, but you are also in a state of denial yourself. I went to al-anon many times and it never helped. I spoke to a counselor at Hazelton and I figured out why. Al Anon is for those who decide they are going to live with or leave an alcoholic. It is not of help to those that are still trying to make that decision. Al Anon will not help you figure out what to do. You need to figure out what to do, then go to Al Anon. I am not saying it as clearly as the Hazelton counselor told me, but it made perfect sense. So, the Al Anon recommendation is an easy one for people to throw out, but it only works within the parameters it is designed for. At this point, you can’t even figure out if he’s an alcoholic, or at least, you are in denial over it. You need to figure all that out, then decide your course, and then Al Anon will help. I know that this opinion will be contested heavily on this blog, but that advice from Hazelton made me realize that I was not a reject- that Al Anon was not working for me because it was too early in the process, not that there was something wrong with me.

  • C

    After you read the wonderful information on this site and the posts by super people all over the U.S., you will see a lot of A’s have similar behavior. Tolerating and getting used to an A can ruin your health and damage your personality. All focus is on them – they are only interested in drinking, and it you get in their way, they will steam roll over you! Forget asking an A to stop drinking. They will deny they have a problem – it is us, the nondrinkers, who dare expect them to attend functions, act like a normal human being! Planning a trip is almost impossible.

    I think it is easier and healthier to find people who are always sober

  • Julie

    Hi Ben, Actually I have to agree with you on the Alanon. this site and reading and posting and getting feedback helped me to make changes in my life and then to leave my violent abusive AH. But when i tried Alanon before making that decision I felt as if i did not belong. I went back after filing for divorce and kicking my AH out and then Alanon started to work for me. Trying setting boundaries and actually having a method to avoid the abuse and to stop the arguments is something i learned from this site and it is what helped me to see the reality of my situation and not to feel so helpless. But i think too that Alanon has some of the same principles they just focused there so much on me and taking it one day at a time and having a higher power that they did not focus at all on what you actually do in certain situations or how to set the boundaries or protect yourself financially or how to protect your chidlren when living with an alcoholic. Yet as i said this site taught me all that and then the Alanon made more sense after i decided where i was going with my life.

  • L.

    Olga, the common thread that runs through all the responses to your post, so far, is: Al-Anon! Truly, it is like a corrective lens that will put your situation and concerns into a much clearer perspective … I embraced the Program five years ago and am so glad that I did. In Al-Anon we work/practice the 12 Steps for our own Recovery, provide understanding and support for families of alcoholics … and learn how to understand and encourage the alcoholic … five years ago that seemed impossible because my situation had gotten so out of focus and confusing and the predominant emotions that I felt were despair and anger … today, I have days filled with peace and serenity whether or not my qualifiers are drinking. Give Al-Anon a try … all the best!

  • Ben

    Julie and C,

    Not only do your posts help Olga, they helped me! Thank you. I am still grappling with the leave/stay decision with my A wife. There is a beautiful 4 year old girl involved, but if anyone reading this is grappling with the same decision, the counselor at hazelton put it very clearly – when she asked me why I wouldn’t leave my wife, I said because I don’t want to raise my daughter in a broken home. She responded “you are living with an alcoholic, your home is already broken”. Very strong and accurate words.

  • Pez

    I so wished my XAB would have respected my boundries. That would have been sooooo nice as I would have felt at least I got some respect. But he didn’t and bulldoezed them, it seems, on purpose to see how far I would allow. I hope it doesn’t come to that with you Olga. But as said above alcoholism is a progressive disease.
    I was not married and no children involved so I went to one alanon meeting and said to myself, “This is not what I want for the rest of my life” so I stood my ground and it ended. I still think of him and wonder how he can live his life with the lower form of female. I still have a love for him but not like it was. It makes me sad at times but I know I will be ok and just trust my future to my higher power and ME!

  • Kristi

    This is the portrait of an alcoholic from my experience. Many alcoholics started out as “problem drinkers”. It’s a progressive disease that takes “nurturing from the bottle” to develop. In the beginning stages you will experience a weird form of Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde from your A. In the early stages you will seethe “bad one” about 25% of the time and the “good one” 75% of the time. And you can look forward to the progression where the “bad one” is there 90% of the time and the “good one” is drown out to about 10% of the time…if you are Lucky. It took my A about 5 years to get to that point. During the progression these are the traits I noticed. First, he will become very charming and have a very sharp lying tongue. They could sell ice to an Eskimo. Listen to your gut…if it feels like a lie or you don’t feel peace you are more than likely right. You will become the bad guy, reason for all things terrible in their lives, a “Bitch”, a nag, etc in their eyes. You can look forward to many tears and much confusion over this. He will convince you over time that you are all of those things, even though your gut is screaming to wake up and run. Also, things will begin to disappear and be pawned, important things like wedding rings, guns, TV’s, etc. anything to get more money, as all finances have become drained and demolished in the progression. Your home will feel like an anxiety prison to you, as you will never know what you are walking to when you get home. God help you and your kids if you have children at home. Walking home one time with him drunk with your kids will be enough to never ever trust him again with them. You will begin to feel trapped and dream of escaping the cycle, as the A cycle grows shorter and shorter. It will start with his drunk night, or nights, followed by his lazy depressed recovery from the binge. Then he will be remorseful and happy for a couple or few days, followed by anger and pulling away. Then the cycle will repeat. My A’s cycle lasted a week. Look for cycles like that. You will be accused of “being psychic” by the A. You will begin to trust your intuition and instinct until you come to a fork in the road. You will be forced to decide to stay and drown in misery with him, or end the friendship/relationship in order to not drown with him. He will convince you that you would never leave because you can’t make it without him, and plus this is all your fault he is this way anyways because you drove him to be this way. He will hate you more and more, and you will feel the most abandoned and alone when he is near. He will use you, lie, cheat on you, steal from you, until you feel lost and crazy. Sound familiar?? If so save yourself and RUN away now. No matter how hard it seems, nothing is harder than staying.

  • Hello Olga, I myself have not made the decision on what route to take yet either. My A really started picking up a few years back and instead of addressing it then I found it easier to bury my head and not to hold the boundaries of our marriage even though I knew in my heart he was getting out of control. When I finally woke up and tried discussing it with him and even his family, there was no one listening on the other end. If I could go back I would have chose to deal with it then because boundaries are no longer an option and I only have myself to thank for that. Hold the boundaries you have now because you can’t draw the line again further down the road and once you are not consistent and say “oh well just this time” you have lost the battle. Be sure to tell him that you appreciate the boundaries he does keep for you and share your concerns about his behavior in a positive way. Let him know now what your expectations of him are if his drinking continues to get progressively worse. ” And It Will”
    Everyone here has been a tremendous help and just reading other posts help to know that your not alone.

  • Deb

    HI!
    My roomie is an Alcoholic. At first, he ‘hid’ this by only doing his ‘worst drinking’ when I wasn’t at home. This is NORMAL. Alcoholics will usually at first be very polite about their drinking issues and will avoid doing it in front of you. It will affect you because it gives them ‘an aggressive’ personality for a few days after they drink. They tend to be argumentative and overly sensitive/critical.

    Its not until they ‘relax’ with you that you get to see them DRINK HEAVILY around you. It will happen once time passes. Either they have become ‘comfortable’ around you or they no longer need or want to hide it.

    I am NOT an ALCOHOLIC. There are times in my life when I drink. This is what I look like. I can buy a bottle of Baileys and it will last me 3 weeks. Or, a bottle of wine will last me over a month. A NON ALCOHOLIC buys alcohol and it lasts a long time (if you buy it this way). There are times I will finish a Bailey’s small bottle in a week. I usually only drink before bedtime (to relax me). And, then I go 6 or 7 months before I feel I need to drink again. A NON ALCOHOLIC easily goes 8-9 months or more without drinking a single sip. I have no shame in drinking because I know I’m not a ‘problem drinker’ and if you asked me if I had any alcohol, I’d freely show it to you and likely offer you some (at night) if you wanted some after a meal. I don’t mind sharing because I don’t care if you finish it up. AN ALCOHOLIC will hold tight to their stuff and usually hide it.

    Hope it helps

  • Ben

    Deb, speaking of hiding alcohol- funny story. During one of my wife’s binges, I stepped into a dark utility room in our basement. I unexpectedly stepped on something and went flying in the dark and landed squarely on my rear end. After the initial shock of my brush with death wore off, I turned the light on to find that I had stepped on two bottles in a brown paper bag, one wine and one vodka. The bottles rolled, and I had gone flying off like a log game at an amusement park. :). I took the bottles to our marriage counselor :). I then became the bad guy for letting her secret out. You truly can’t win.

  • Deb

    I almost forgot so I want to add this. My roommate purchases Vodka regularly. He gets the cheapest, largest bottle of HARD LIQUOR type stuff so he can get his ‘fix’ fast. I’ve seen up to 3 1/2 gallon bottles in his backpack with only a little in each. He can easily finish 2 of these bottles in a single DAY. That is a lot of booze to be able to imbibe.

    Were I to drink 2 or more glasses of wine in a night, I would have a hangover in the morning (I’m alcohol sensitive). My ALCOHOLIC roommate can drink a STAGGERING amount of alcohol with only a bit of a headache the next day because they are ‘alcohol insensitive.’ Most ALCOHOLICS I know don’t want to drink Wine, don’t want BAILEYS. Usually they don’t want the ‘high quality’ stuff. They look for CHEAP FIX.

    I spoke to another person I know who is an alcoholic and he also drinks VODKA or some other clear cheap version of this. I asked him if he ever wanted BRANDY or some other type of alcoholic drink which to me seems it would be more pleasurable, more satisfying. He laughed at me and explained ‘I AIN’T drinking it fer the taste. I’m looking for the cheapest stuff that will get me HIGH as fast as possible.’

    We’re talking stuff thats 40 proof or 30 proof. Its not for enjoyment, its for fast buzz. Some like beer and if they do, they buy a CASE or TWO. If I wanted beer, I’d buy the ‘best tasting’ stuff and a lot less because it would last me a long time anyway.

    ok

  • Deb

    That is funny. Got message after I wrote up the last deal.
    My other ‘friend’ who is an alcoholic, sad story. Fortunate fella was born to RICH folks. Dad spent LOADS on him and he had a very blessed life. Parents began to notice his behavior in his 20’s and cut him off. He lives in a halfway type house and the residents frequently drink (not a Harstone house or Oxford house).

    He called me from a very ‘bad neighborhood’ one night to pick him up. He was totally drunk and someone had robbed him. I drove him back to the halfway house and there were Pint Sized Vodka bottles..EVERYWHERE. He lives in just a single room, sharing the rest of the house. These bottles were ‘under the bed’..’under the covers on top of his bed’..in his shoes…on top of nearly every dresser or ledge in the bedroom. They were on top of the window curtains (the hanger deal). To my shock, when I ‘moved the bottles’ out of his bed to lay him in hit (he was unable to balance well)…

    I opened his bedroom drawers to see if he had any ID because he was so upset at ‘losing his ID” and he said he may have some other ID in his drawers and wanted my help. in EVERY drawer..were…10 or more bottles.

    I was in AWE.
    You’d think he would throw them away. I do not understand why..’he didn’t toss them.’ There had to have been over 500 bottles in his room. PRETTY SAD!

  • Deb

    I’m talkative today. I wanted to say this.
    What does a OUT OF CONTROL ALCOHOLIC look like? This is sad ok. They look “DEAD.” AS in DECEASED. I also know at least several who should still be here but are now PASSED ON. What does alcohol do to you if you don’t go to AA and you don’t take it seriously? It puts you in the ground. I tell my roommate this often. I explain that he will stop drinking. I explain that they don’t offer liver transplants to alcoholics, and that the doctor told him 10 years ago that his liver doesn’t look like a human being’s liver. I look him straight in the eye and tell him that he will stop, that the choice is will he stop and have life remaining or will he stop with a 90 day END DATE. In one ear and out the other.

  • Julie

    Wow Kristi your portrait sounds a lot like the prgression my AH took. In the beginning i did not even see signs of alcoholism and then immediately saw drinking as a problem as soon as we got comfortable in our relationship. You are absolutely correct. Alcoholism is progressive and insidious. It will creep up on you and then one day you will look back and proclaim: “Why didn’t i see this for what it really was?” The truth is we can all see what it can become and where it is heading but we want to believe we can stop it. I learned that i can only stop how it affects me and my children once i learned the right actions to take. And only the A can stop it from hurting himself worse and worse each day. I have to say in this case knowledge is power. When i did not understand what was happening or what i was facing i was confused and felt helpless. Once i started to learn the reality of my situation and then how to take action to change, then things got better (at least for me and my children).

  • Ben

    Olga, Deb brings up a good point. Try to talk to your husband. Have a long talk about stuff he enjoys then bring up his drinking halfway through for a couple of minutes, then go back to some of his favorite subjects. If it seems like he was completely checked out of the conversation when it was about alcohol, there is your answer.

  • I have lived with an active alcoholic for 37 years. he drinks when he has money and wont stop til he is broke.he rarely works.he treats me badly every time he drinks.he tells me before he drinks vthat this wont happen.but it happens anyway.i have set boundaries but he breaks them,i have thrown him out evicted him, I let him back in.many times. I want to end this crap relationship and close the door on him once and for all. please help.me I don’t know what else to do.

  • Pez

    Kristi, that is exactly what it is like and what makes it soooo hard. You see the good and the potential in the begging and then over the years in the decline and your lucky if 10% is left you will be shocked at what they will do and the lengths they will go to so they can keep up the addiction. That change in them is hard to deal with when you know who they used to be and what they have become. Mine used to like reading, watching Discovery channel and TLC. Discussing the universe, intelligent, etc….and now before I left all he wanted to do is drink–couldn’t read much anymore, very little retention rate. No inspiring discussions anymore, but lots of arguments and accusations. It’s gone, he’s gone–That man I knew.

  • Ruth

    This is my first time posting. …Kristi. .you are right on the money. .My AH left me, I just wasn’t ready to make the break.I couldn’t do anything. Like I was frozen. It’s taken me months to start to really see how manipulating he is. Our money situation deteriorated along with every other aspect of our lives.And he blames every one else for it all. I went to one meeting, felt weird. Don’t know if it was them or me. But I have been going to therapy over a year. You shouldn’t be alone through this.This site has been awesome. I’ve learned a lot. Just reading and reading. I am grateful I found this by accident. Or maybe not by accident. There are days when I feel bad or guilty; then I’ll hear about some lie he’s telling or I’ll get an attitude in an email or something. Then that will help me to be stronger. He came over to pick up our grandson and the way he spoke to me I felt small. They have a way of making you feel unimportant. I was so happy that I was able to pick up on that so it won’t happen again. Yeah therapy! I didn’t react to him so he left in a huff. Then I felt good. It was almost foreign to feel good. But it is good. So I say to everyone, keep reading, pray, talk, listen to your inner voice. I didn’t for years. I am learning to now. Peace to all.

  • Kristi

    Pez and Julie,
    It really is the most difficult thing to wake up from the way we become intertwined in it all. For me it was so deep. My A was my first boy that was a friend since 8th grade. He became my first boyfriend, first everything, we grew up together. We are now 33 and I don’t know him at all anymore. He is barely there. The 10% of the time I do see the real him he is using that “good guy” against me somehow. He has gotten gas money and a guest room to stay in in the past I’m almost ashamed to admit. Education is the tool to wake up for me. I wish I had found this website years ago! It is so helpful. Perhaps the best thing I ever did was go to “family week” while he was in rehab the first time. I learned so much, it was like I earned a degree soaking up all the info I learned. If anyone wants the best explanation ever on what alcohol does to the alcoholic order the CD of Dr. Boone speaking in the alcoholic from http://www.lahacienda.com. La Hacienda is a rehab, supposed to be one of the best in the country. Unfortunately that did not even work for my A, but it did for me. It’s perhaps the most important week of my life so far. If anyone feels stuck for fear of what happens to their children when the A gets the kids I have hope for you. I began collecting evidence when he relapsed the second time. Pictures, recordings, voice messages, texts, police records, etc. Make an evidence binder and protect your children if they are not safe with the A. I stayed way too long worried about the kids because while I could divorce the A, the babies couldn’t. However there is hope, because when you show the proof to the judge all you have suffered through will be justified because the judge will at best order supervised visits. I speak from real life experience. Trust me, it really will only get way worse if you stay. The non-A gets to a point where saving the majority rules, and removing the A is the only choice if you stay.

  • Kristi

    Ruth,
    Yes it is so true how the A can just cut me down to nothing, and push me 10 steps back.we have had no contact for over two months and it took me a while to realize the new, foreign feelings I’ve been experiencing. I realized I’m learning what it feels like to be happy again to go home, and the fear level is diminishing. The bills have been paid and there is actually money left for groceries. I have not been negative in my bank account, even though I have gotten 0 child support yet. I’m still wrapping my mind around it all. It’s a welcome foreign experience, happiness. And the kids are happier also. They are smiling, and they are acting like children again instead of quiet robots waiting for the bottom to fall out. I had no idea that our life was so abnormal with the A here. I was so snowballed into believing it was all there was, all we deserved, and it was normal. Nothing about it was normal though! And yes, Yea for therapy. I feel so much stronger and stable. I feel excited again. I see happiness in our home. It’s been missing for far too long.

  • Julie

    Kristi isn’t it amazing how the money seems to actaully be there to pay bills etc… and yet when there was more coming in when the A’s are living with us there was actually less money? I found this to be true in my situation too. Once the children and i were on our own even without any support from him( he ignored court ordered support and then when they put it thru child support enforcement agency, he lost his job for drinking at lunchtime so we still have no support.) And yet almost 2 years after kicking him out and he cut me off financially, the bills are being paid better than ever and the kids are still eating well. And like you said they are so alive and so happy. No more walking around on egg shells and living in fear. My A does not even understand how we can be surviving without him. When he first cut us off and i was still paying the mortgage and the utilities he actaully called me and asked how could this be? He said when he was with me we had 3 times as much income and yet the bills were always late and we almost lost our house twice. But when i pointed out how i actaully had the money to pay bills because he was not drinking it away and we did not have to pay for all the mistakes he made(wrecking vehicles, bar tabs, taking money to buy alcohol or whatever he did with it when he took it out of the bank)-he merely called me names and accused me of stealing his money all these years (we were married 21 years). He really made no sense and then denied that he could have spent that much money drinking. I am so so happy i do not have to live like that anymore! And you are right about the courts too. I was always afraid to leave because i knew he would get visitation and was afraid for the children to be alone with him. And in the beginning of our divorce he was granted visits but he messed that up for himself and I too gathered as much eveidence as i could and so far the visits have stopped. So there is a way even if it is a hard long road. God Bless everyone going through this. And don’t lose heart because there is a light at the end of the tuneel.

  • Pez

    I just wonder if it’s all decline from alcohol–maybe some or most but what I wonder is if they actually enjoy being antisocial, mean, a con? I’ve seen my XAB get a kick out of it. He watched crime stuff like ID and seemed to be fascinated by sociopaths. I heard a lot of A’s are normally shy type of people and maybe the alcohol made them feel bold and in control when they were young (brought them out) and they still relish that feeling of being able to do Whatever because “they can and they will” Power and control they never had?

  • Jane S

    Marya, I am praying that you will find peace in your heart. It is a long process and takes a lot of hard work, but you can feel better. Whether you leave or not, you must go through the steps to restore your wholeness. These alcoholics have devastated our souls, slowly over the years chipping away at our self esteem, confidence and love for ourselves. The truth of the matter is that most of us came from a less than nurturing family of origin, and because of that, we subconsciously let ourselves be mistreated by our mates. When we finally figure it out, it’s to late to alter these hideous patterns. Some of these things will help you, again stick with it, it takes awhile: 1. Start immediately talking kindly to yourself, become your biggest fan. 2. Journal (privately! The A loves to weaponize a private journal.) 3. Spend time with people who care about you, refuel — the A will never, ever fill up your tank. 4. Feel your feelings and allow yourself the luxury of grieving the loss of your dreams. Any time a feeling wells up, let yourself feel it, then gently let it go. 5. Keep coming to this site. These people are AWESOME, they feel like family — they really do understand how you feel. Watch JC’s videos, too. It will soften your heart in a good way. 6. Live in the moment. Ask yourself, what do I need right now? Treat yourself like a precious little child. 7. Tell God that your life is unmanageable and ask Him to help you. A Bible study called Bound to be Free by Marta Greenman helped me when I was at my absolute worst point. Trust God, His love is the most powerful force in the Universe. I was pretty diligent and it took me about a year and a half to start feeling better about life. Love yourself and keep us posted on how you are!

  • Julie

    Pez, when you mention your A watching crime shows and getting a kick out of the sociopaths it sounds like my XAH. We once watched a show called wildest criminals or someting like that and there was a video of an ex boyfriend who went to his exGF’s place of business and lit her on fire with a small propane torch! I thought that was horrifying, yet my A sat there next to me on the sofa and laughed and said “Yeah, get that b**ch! That’s what you get, you f***ing b**ch”. It really scared me and made me think “is this what he would do to me? Is this really how he thinks and feels? Does anyone really deserve to be torched like that?” And we did not even know the story behind the break up and yet my A felt that the woman deserved to be torched! Scary stuff. I am so glad I am out of that relationship.

  • sheba

    Ijs..I’m in love with a person that drink a lot.and I love him dearly but the drinking seems to be the one he prefer

  • Ben

    I once said I love her a lot, and an experienced professional told me ” she doesn’t love you!” Tell her it’s you or the booze and see how much she loves you! He was right, but here I still am.

  • Jessica

    I recently broke up with my boyfriend who is an alcoholic. I was not in the relationship with him as long as you were nor was my situation as bad. However, maybe because I got out early. This was actually the second time I dated him. At first I was very happy with him both times. The first I thought he just liked to drink a few and have fun. He was a very funny guy. But I started noticing that he could consume a 24 pack plus in just a few short hours and still be semi-coherent. Not to mention he drank everyday. When our relationship began he was great and we did a lot together but then he slowly pushed me to the side to spend more and more time with his friends. He went to the bars 3 to 4 times a week. He had 3 boys and seemed to do well with them. But drank even when they were there. He always drank. Threw parties at his house with the kids there. All of this came out gradually the first 3 to 4 months into the relationship. I drank a little but no where near the amount he did nor did I drink everyday. He began to exclude me from activities he was doing and the only time he wanted to spend with me was when he had his children so I could babysit them. I quickly began to resent it but put up with a lot out of concern for his children. I suspected he cheated on me and was told by several people that he was sleeping with various women from the bar. I decided I’d had enough and we split. The second go around was because I thought he had changed. It had been 3 years. We began chatting on FB to catch up and see how each other were doing. He had gotten a DUI and had his license suspended. He said he was actively trying to cut back and wanted to live a better life. I decided to give him another chance. Same pattern, was great the first 3 months into the relationship. I did do a lot to try and help him by driving him to and from work until he got his license back. Took him to get his blow and go installed in his car. He had cut back from daily drinking to a few days a week with only a few beers. He did however drink 6 tall beers which is the equivalent of a 12 pack. He would say “only 6” but technically not accurate. However, I tried to help him and some days he only drank 2 big ones. Things started going down hill after he finished his DUI class. He began drinking more and would get totally blitzed and unable to drive to work. Well I did not want him to loose his job so I would drive him. Prior to ending his class he told me he needed to find the strength within himself to quit and asked me not to confront or say anything because he would only resent me. He wanted to do it on his own. I offered to say things like “ok you’ve had enough”, or “let’s not drink any today” or “how about we only drink on special occasions”. He said “no” he needed to make a conscience effort to do that himself. I respected that but I made a mistake. What he managed to do was manipulate me into enabling him. I realized this when one day he had too many and knew he wouldn’t be able to drive to work and asked me to take him. I agreed and he laughed rubbed my head and called me his “little enabler” and told me he loved me. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. Every time I attempted to talk to him about it, he avoided the conversation or told me I worried too much. He also moved a friend in his house who has a history of alcoholism and a suspended license. He was helping him out. However, he began drinking daily again and soon his tall 6 ones became 12 or more tall ones. So back to 24 or more a day. This is when he began limiting time spent with me to spend more time with his friends to drink. He began having his room mate who has a suspended license drive him 30 minutes to work and back each day and/or would have him blow for him. This became more frequent. When I noted my concerns he told me not to worry about it that I stressed too much and needed to loosen up. I began feeling guilty because I in part enabled his behaviors by driving him to work. He has bills and child support so I thought I was helping him because I didn’t want him to loose his job. It came to a head when I confronted his room mate and said I had concerns and asked him to help me try and get my boyfiend to cut back. That I was worried for both of them because I was afraid they were going to get arrested. His room mate defended him and twisted my words to my BF and made it out like I was going to break up with him and didn’t want to help him. Not the case. But we got into an argument which resulted in the relationship ending. Mind you the whole relationship my BF whined to me about how broke he was and constantly had me buy and pay for things for him. The best thing that could have happened was for the relationship to end. I feel used and manipulated. I know on some level that he did care about me, BUT he cared for his alcohol and friends more. He told me he wasn’t going to change and shouldn’t have too. He just wanted to have fun!!! He was back in denial of his problem. Nothing I could ever say or do would change that. I realized that even if he did stop that he was always going to struggle and would probably relapse. I had to ask myself what I could put up with and if that was the life I wanted for myself and my daughter. I realized too that no matter how much I wanted to help his children who I felt bad for, that it was out of my control. He wasn’t a bad father but not necessarily a good one. He had a 3 BR house and from the time his children were little he always rented out his spare room to a friend (a fellow partier). The boys never had their own bedrooms. Their stuff was not organized in a way that was just for them or their space. They told me that they would love to have their own rooms and own things without having to share with someone else. Usually random friends of my BF’s who would come over and crash at his house. He didn’t want to hear any of this stuff. Because his friends served a purpose to feed his addiction, to drink with and to make him feel better about himself because he could say “I’m helping them and not in as bad as shape as they are so therefore I must not have a problem”. I foresee his future as going down the slippery slope with eventually going to jail, killing himself or someone else, dying of liver failure and/or all the above. But I realized I can’t stop it. He has to want to stop but struggles everyday. It is hard to let go of someone you love but you CAN’T HELP SOMEONE WHO WILL NOT AND DOES NOT WANT TO HELP THEMSELVES!!!! My advice to you is to leave and find someone else that is good to you and that loves you. But before you can do that, build yourself up and get evolved in something to preoccupy your mind and help you move on. Yes it is hard, yes you will feel guilty and yes your going to cry and miss him, feel bad for him, but eventually that will go away. You will still worry a little and feel sorry for him but you will feel better about yourself and the other people in your life that you love and love you. Friends and family are great supports. Talk to them and they will help you. Talk to a counselor if needed.

  • Jessica

    Ben,
    I said the same thing to my BF. Me or the booze. He chose the booze. That’s probably not going to change. Doesn’t mean she don’t care but you will always play seconds to the booze as long as she continues to drink. YOU deserve better.

  • Mike

    He is a bad father, boyfriend and will be a bad husband. Stop protecting him.
    Let him live alone as he has shown you he want to do.

  • Mike

    Good for you to move on.
    Dont’ let him overshadow the good relationship you’ll have in the future.
    The longer you cling to this man, the harder it will be to keep him away.
    The only thong worse than a bad relationship, is one you cling to and bring into the new relationship.
    Do nothing for him. He’s gone. Set him feee from your mind too..
    If my girlfriend was still involved ( yes, helping means you are involved) with her ex, I’d be on the road again.

  • Sheila

    I have been reading comments on this website for 2 weeks. I must say it has helped me so much. My story….I was married to an alcoholic for seven years, with him for 8. Divorced him due to all the reasons I see commented on here. No relationship, lies, ect…. Divorced him 2 years ago, but was still around because of our home, and I have to admit because I still loved him and cared. I moved into an apartment, but he never left me alone even though he was chasing someone in another state, which she only used him for the money to the tune of 30,000.00 then dropped him when she learned he was broke. I tried as hard as I could to stay away from him. He called me over to the home ( our doggie Scruffy still lived with him because I could not have pets in the apartment) to see Scruffy, to “just come over for a while, Scruffy & I miss you and want you to come over”, that kept going for months with all the “I still love you, I want you home, I never stopped loving you”, yada yada yada….. you can get the picture I am sure. Back in March of this year I got a call to please come over for a little while. He got on his knee’s and begged me to re-marry him and give him a second chance, life for us would be totally different, our lives would change and never go back to what it was the first time, he would be “the man I needed him to be”, he would change…. al the things he KNEW I wanted to hear. Well here I am back home and re-married since April. Nothing changed to say the least. What I have learned from reading everyone comments, is that alcoholics have the same traits…. it has given me validation on so much. One trait I am really bothered about now is this…. there is no relationship what so ever, the only time he has touched me was the last morning of the honeymoon, and I feel now the only reason he did then was to consummate the marriage. My question is this….. Is this “no relationship, nothing to do with you”, is this another trait of an alcoholic ? As long as I continue to be his “chief cook, bottle washer, maid, and secretary and let him just drink he is fine and dandy with the way things are, the minute I say a word about the marriage, what is wrong in the marriage, about him having nothing to do with me, then I become a psyco, I need help, I’m a bitch, and have even been told I need to just let things happen naturally that at his age it can’t be forced… “it will happen ” he says if I leave things along. Well after ready comments on this site, I have learned a lot and like I said, it has validated a lot for me to know why he has been doing things he does, the lies, the blaming me for everything, ect…. but I have not seen a lot of relationship issues as far as what I am speaking of… Out of 10 years of being with this man, I can still count on my hands the times he has actually been with me (trying to put it nicely)…..If it were not for my faith in God and knowing God as I do, I would left this earth a few times because of the mental abuse. He does not physically abuse me, he knows better, he knows he will get up out of the floor if he even thinks about touching me. But the mental way he uses me has been my darkest times. Thanks to everyone on here, a light is beginning to shine through. I stopped “sitting” with him and keeping him company while he gets drunk, I have started going and doing things with my family again….. thank God I found this site while searching the web for help with spouses living with alcoholics… Just wanted some insight on the relationship side of things, because for the longest time I have believed in my heart that he just does not want to be with me, that I am “not good enough, don’t look hot enough” those type of things… Thanks again.

  • Ben

    Hi Sheila,

    Yes, regrettably, if I had one complaint about this site, it seems JC
    Censors most topics that relate to medical issues/questions or true relationship issues. While I love this site, I think he ultimately short changes our healing by doing so. I know myself I have written multiple times about this very issue and it has never been posted. Also, my wife started to have the shakes on one arm at a restaurant a couple of weeks ago and I was completely freaked out because I have never seen her go through withdrawal like that, and I sent in a topic and it was never posted.
    Now getting back to your question. This has been my experience and someone please correct me if I am wrong: alcoholics have NO SEX DRIVE!! I am certain he tells you stories about all the beautiful women he was with, and what a “playa” he was, blah blah blah. The only thing he has and ever will romance is the bottle. What do you expect him to tell you? “alcoholism has robbed me of even the most simple and primal of pleasures, I have no sex drive because the alcoholism has killed it”? The sex stories and subsequent making you feel unattractive are all part of the denial process. Yes, it sucks, yes, you deserve better, yes, he is lying. No, no one else will get it or believe you – to most non alcoholics alcohol is an aphrodisiac, they can’t comprehend getting drunk and NOT wanting intimacy. How do I know? Because my wife is a beautiful blonde who did and still does all the same things to me. She couldn’t keep her hands off me when we were dating, then immediately when we got married she wouldn’t come within 10 feet of me and would push me away if i simply wanted to give her a hug. Then came the stories of what a slut she USED to be, and how many hot guys she was with,
    Etc. I started believing it all and next thing I knew I was insanely jealous and had gained 50 pounds. It was all a lie. Lie lie lie. It was meant to keep my focus off of the real problem- while she had me trying to figure out if she was a slut or not, she was drinking a case of beer everyday and I
    Was clueless to it. Sound familiar? Intimacy will never happen. Not with him. Come to grips with it.

  • Sheila

    Well I tried to make a comment back to Ben but it tells me it was to spammy …. will try again

  • Elisabeth

    Ben – your topic was posted. I saw it, but had nothing to offer. As for the sex drive issue, I think it must depend on the person themselves. My exA had no problems in that department, which is very surprising as I look back, as he was a very heavy beer drinker. About 18 cans a day. Perhaps men and women react differently to the alcohol, as well. Maybe it messes with a woman’s hormones?

  • Ben

    Yes, it affects everyone differently, I guess. Mine is 120 lbs and drinks 14 a day, so I’m sure it affects her pretty badly. It’s hard watching someone you love wither away and you having to watch it and not able to do anything. This post has helped tremendously as it seems most of the actions and details are similar. We truly are not alone.

  • Sheila

    The problem I have with it is, when he was “chasing” the other woman, he had all kinds of drive even with me. Of course he believed she was going to fix his problems for him. His OCD kicked in and he became obsessed with her thinking she was going to take him back 13 years ago when they dated. Needless to say, all she wanted the last time was money as well as this time, only she wouldn’t have anything to do with him in that area this time. When I ask him to be honest about our marriage now when he isn’t drinking (early morning), he says he does not know to be honest, says he just don’t know. He claims of course it isn’t me, anything to do with me, he says it’s him, that he just does not know what the problem is. Well that just makes me think even more that it’s because he just don’t want to be with me. If he had drive when we were divorced, then he should have drive now I would think.

  • Sheila

    Ben, your post did make sound familiar to me in a lot of ways though. He as well tried to make me jealous by talking about other women while we were divorced. He more or less was playing two women at one time and got caught. I copied and posted everything he was saying to me and about her, sent it to her and proved what he was doing to her. After she got the 30,000 from him, she sent him a text and told him to lose her numbers. lol But he was telling me how all the ladies wanted to date him, la la la all of the above you were saying about the jealously. So I can relate to that for sure.

  • L.

    What I love about the Al-Anon Program is that it puts the focus back on ourselves. By focusing on our own Recovery we learn how to act rather than re-act to the alcoholic …

  • Sheila

    Elisabeth …. I think you may be right, that alcohol affects people differently. Mine is on an antidepressant, plus a powerful nerve/anxiety medicine. His doctor whom I have been friends with for years and also my physician, has told me the combination of the meds plus the amount of alcohol he drinks has a major effect on him in that department. But that still does not explain why he had the drive when he wanted to. I guess I will never know the real truth from him anyway. Well let me correct that…. he will never tell me the real truth I am sure of that because he only lies about everything. After ready posts on here for the last two weeks, I can say it has helped me. I feel like I am at a point in my left now that I have to decide what is more important to me, my happiness and health or staying married to him knowing the things I have learned about alcoholic’s. If I am willing to live the rest of my life in this kind of marriage even if I do still love him. I take marriage very seriously because of my beliefs. It took me 5 years to be able to leave him the first time because of that. So I won’t be making this decision in a rush this time either, but at least my eyes are opened a lot more and talking to others that live through the same thing has helped me tremendously so thank you all. I have found other’s I can relate to in this situation and I can’t tell you how good that feels.

  • Sheila

    L. Through this site I have learned how to do just that. I no longer just sit with him to keep him company while he gets drunk like he wanted me to do all the time. I am getting out and spending time with my family, I don’t buy into his lies any more, I stopped allowing him to coax me into anger and auguring with him. Sunday he asked me what was wrong if I was ok. Said it seems like I get mad at him easier, told him no, just the opposite, I just refuse to argue or discuss anything with you now while your drunk. He turned around in a huff and walked away. He knows something is going on, especially since I stopped just sitting for hours with him while he is drinking, because he hates to be alone. He use to sit in the smoking room and only come out to get a beer, now he can’t stand it because I am out here in the living room and he will go in and out every few minutes. Sorry for going on and on everyone and making so many post, but I feel like I have a voice now and can openly discuss things and other’s will understand and relate. Thank you all for listening ! It does help. I talk to family all the time about it, but they cannot relate to what I really go through. Only keeps asking me why I put up with it and why don’t I divorce him again. Again sorry for the long post and so many of them.

  • Elisabeth

    Sheila – I get it. It’s hard to walk away. I tried, but was never able to do it for very long. Not sure why. On some level, I think I felt responsible for him and I kept trying to get him to change. Finally, he met someone else and left me. Hurt like hell, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. It didn’t work out with the other girl, but now he’s not my problem anymore. That feels good. I do have a fear of being alone, but I feel so much more at peace and content with my life. I don’t spend my days worrying about him anymore. I don’t have him around hurting me emotionally anymore. He wasn’t and isn’t a bad guy – he is generally quite sweet and very loving and affectionate. He is also an alcoholic and a compulsive liar and not the kind of guy I want to spend the rest of my life with. He even asked to come back, but I just can’t say yes. I am free. Why would I want to go back to living the way I used to? Now that I’ve had time away from it all, I have so much more clarity about our relationship than I ever had before. I wish the same for you. The peace and contentment. It’s really wonderful, I promise you.

  • C

    I read this somewhere and put it in my notepad: One extra moment focused on “not the one” was a lost moment in the search for love. Also, “Never regret. If it’s bad it’s experience, If it’s good, it’s wonderful”. and, “I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was”.

  • linda

    To all
    This is so sad. The tidbits of love we live on. The a aren’t able to love. I’ve put so much in this marriage n they put tidbits. Lying n denial of are feeling makes them right. Sick minds.

  • Sheila

    Elisabeth, I walked away, got a divorce, was out of the marriage almost 2 years. Then of course, because he knew I had a caring heart, I allowed him to use me to save his butt from losing everything and hitting rock bottom. Then I believed his lies of loving me, changing his life, things were going to be different….. he gave just enough and said things that he knew I wanted to hear just to get me back. Seems like A’s have manipulation down to a tee…. but as you said, I am not sure why I couldn’t stay away, maybe if he had of moved out of state it would have been easier. He only lived 5 minutes from me was one problem. I see what is before me, I know he will not change, I sit and think about my future. If I stay with him, it’s going to be the same as it is now, I know that already. I think C says it best…… “I miss who I thought he was” I just have to get stronger and know when he says “give it time, it will happen” those type of things I have to watch out for and not believe.

  • Debbi

    To Olga:
    I can certainly understand trying to decide if your husband is alcoholic or something else. I struggled with the same thing with my exAH. . .was he abusing alcohol, was he physically dependent on it, was he psychologically dependent on it, was he a functioning alcoholic or was he a full blown alcoholic and kept it hidden from me, or was he narcissitic, or another mental disorder and he just drank. It certainly is confusing because their moodiness, lies, infidelity and meanness can be intermingled with someone who also can be so caring and that’s what keeps us “hooked”. I finally read one article that finally made sense to me. It said the above are just stages of alcoholism and so if you suspect alcohol to be a problem then it certainly is and unfortunately without help most end up a full blown alcoholic and eventual death. You don’t need to classify which stage he is in, it will all make sense with time. You need now to focus on you and where you go from here. You are in my thoughts–good luck!

  • Karen2

    Sheila, A couple of things come to mind when I read your posts re: libido. First, consider his testosterone may be low; treatable. Otherwise, if it is simply d/t the alcoholism, which was and sometimes is the problem with my AH, I want to say something that probably won’t be popular. First, let me say, I can identify with almost every single heartache I’ve read on this site. But 4 years ago, I came to the point of change your attitude or change your address–once and for all. I changed my attitude. It took one moment of insight for me to realize that I was so busy judging and condemning my AH, that I had made myself a saint. I really had. From my ivory tower, I had become quite unlovable in his eyes I think. So I set out to change me. Using Alanon guidelines, although some days I could pinch off my AH’s head, I live with serenity and so does this house. Some may say I’ve become terminally codependent, but I assure you, that is not the case. I guess what I’m say is that for me, the Serenity Prayer works.

  • Ben

    Karen et al,
    While we appreciate your sharing what has worked for you, and delighted that your life now has serenity and peace, some of us just cannot- ie – we are not wired to come to the place of acceptance that you have found. I am a strong type A personality. I plan, initiate, execute, and control large business projects. I make over $250k per year because of my personality. All of the al anon based coping mechanisms are pig Latin to me. I inherently cannot “let go and let God” “focus on my recovery”, blah blah blah. These are all passive coping mechanisms, and some of us are not passive people. For some of us, we just hit a point where the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving, and then we leave. In the mean time, we are on boards like this to try to figure things out and make a decision. These blogs help because we have all gone through things that most of our friends, family members, counselors, and clergy have not. However, please understand that al anon and passive methods are not for some of us. When I see an al anon leader that is 75 and has been attending for over 40 years because of his wife, I see a fool. Some of us don’t want that life. I guarantee, as I sit here dying under the weight of all this, if I were to leave tomorrow, my recovery would be instantaneous and complete. It’s making the decision, especially when there is a beautiful toddler girl involved that makes it difficult.

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