Guest Post By: Cindy
Is it common for an alcoholic in recovery to push people away? One of my closest friends is now in outpatient treatment. We used to talk just about every day and see each other several times a week. He was the probably the closest person to me in a very long time. But it was also I that began to really notice the drinking and watching him slowly killing himself.
I went to his family and they did an intervention which embraced and then went to detox. Once released from detox he is now back to work and going to intensive outpatient treatment. This is what I wanted for him. I wanted him to be alive and to see the truly wonderful person he is. The person I see.
The thing is now how badly it has affected me. I haven’t seen him since he went to detox two months ago. And have had very little contact at all. He will not see me or talk to me really. Says he has no time for me.
It has left me lost and confused as I don’t understand why he can’t even find an hour to talk like the friends we were. He knows it was me who gave his family the information and they assure me he is not mad. But if he is not mad why is he now pushing me away?
The mental toll it has take on me just isn’t getting better. The night before the intervention he was very intoxicated and said something very hurtful to me. He told me that I didn’t matter to him. He had never said something like that before and while it hurt at the time I knew he was drunk and that help was coming so I let it go.
Now that two months has gone by and he is getting help and he won’t really talk to me the only thing I can hear is him telling me that I didn’t matter to him. I hear it all the time and see him saying it when I close my eyes. I doubt he remembers saying it. I’ve been struggling with feeling hurt and used by him and now that he is getting help he doesn’t need me to help him cover up his problem.
I don’t truly believe he doesn’t care about me, but the longer he goes without wanting me in his life the more I tell myself he didn’t. Then I feel guilty about all the signs that he was in trouble with alcohol, but I never said anything as I wasn’t sure. I could have done something much sooner and I feel terrible that I didn’t. I wonder if he now hates me because I watched and didn’t say anything. I guess I just need to know if this is normal or not as the pain feels like it will never go away and is only getting worse.
Please feel free to leave a comment below.
Cindy
I am sorry you are going thru this. I am also sure that everyone that has a relationship with an alcoholic has been where you are. Mine used to say the most wonderful things when he was not drinking. Then after a few beers it would all change. I have a rule now that after 13 beers I make an excuse to remove myself from his presence. When he is drinking it is all about him and what he thinks about everyone and it is NEVER positive. I have learned that is how it is and do not wish to hear it. The hardest lesson you will learn in life is that you do not get your value from other people. Even the people you love will let you down sometime. I have learned to get my love from my God. I do not know how your relationship with your God is but it may be a time to explore how you feel about this subject. Take time to talk to people that have strong beliefs and learn about different views. It will take your mind off of this situation. Pray and meditate on good things. Ask God for the answers and take the time to listen to what he has to say. One last suggestion is something I learned along time ago but has helped me immensely. People do not value something that is easily gotten. If they have to work on their side of the relationship with you then they see you as more valuable. Things that are more rare are more precious. If you make yourself to available then they tend to take you for granted. Spend time with yourself or find some friends that have common interests that you can spend time with. Enjoy your life and your time with yourself. People would rather be around people that are happy with themselves and enjoying life. If things work out with your friend then Great. If not what have you lost. You do not need someone around you that is not going to be positive in your life. If you can fill yourself up with positive then the things he says will not have as much of an effect on your self esteem. I hope this helps some.
Cindy, I’m sure what he said while he was intoxicated he didn’t mean. And please don’t beat yourself up about not having arranged the intervention sooner. I’m sure you did it when the time was right for both you and him. Believe me I don’t think he is worried about not having had intervention sooner. He wouldn’t be in a frame of mind to even think like that. Maybe in some strange way he’s embarrassed by having to have intervention. Or even though his family says he’s not mad at you, he could be. He is going through a very tough time right now but if he stays on the straight and narrow, hopefully, in time he’ll come to realize what a wonderful and loving friend you have been to try and help save his life. It seems very unfair that now that he may be putting his life in order that you can’t be with him. That must hurt terribly. As Pat suggested please consider asking God to help you get through this and he’ll be there for you. I am going through a separation from an alcoholic and after four months I’ll still miss him terribly but I know God is helping me every day and he’ll be there for you too. All the very best to you Cindy and please continue to update us on what is happening. Brenda
Dear Cindy: Stop beating yourself over the head. Here is what I learned from the alcoholic I used to be married to. You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t! They are not happy people and they want to drag you down to their level of misery. They do that by playing games with your head. Just like your “friend” is ignoring you now. But, remember, you are not supposed to retaliate because they have a disease. After I had had enough abuse, I voted with my feet, and got a divorce. My children tell me he is still drinking and smoking marijuana. He even told my daughter that he is depressed and doesn’t think he is going to live long. However, he played that game with me for over 20 years and will probably outlive me, even though he drank up to a quart of vodka per day during our marriage. I have a new life now where my whole existence isn’t controlled by the behavior of an alcoholic. It is a gift! So please, Cindy, move on with your life guilt free. You deserve it!
He needs time to deal with things. Let this be time for you to analyze what you need in life.
He is not a husband so you may have to let this person just go away to where they want.
Do not chase this person.
If he goes, good for you both.
Don’t go chasing after the flu.
It went away and you should be lucky.
Hi Cindy
My perspective may be different because I
am in recovery, I also live with a heavy drinker
and am sometimes confused by his behavior.
I have been ‘that person’ who says mean things
while intoxicated. I ve caused alot of pain.
When I read your post and the comments
I really wanted to reach out to you.
I have thought I lost loved ones because of my
past . In some ways I have bc the relationships
are affected . I have been to rehab and intensive
outpatient. While doing that one is in another world.
It’s not like a vacation …. But it us a place where
everyone there knows the weight if addiction
and all that goes with it. Addiction is awful for the
alcoholic too. I think rehab made me feel worse at first
Bc of the gravity of the disease . I wanted to be
well and still do . For many, AA is a great start
but more may be needed to find what’s wrong
on the inside. Coming out of rehab ( and your friend
is still there) is a big adjustment of ‘reentry’.
Also he may not know what to do or say right now
and be realizing how his behavior affected all close
to him. It’s unfair for you to be waiting ….and hurting
more. Shame and guilt are a huge part of what
I see other people in recovery, and myself, go through .
You obviously care about your friend a great deal.
You saved his life, even if he doesn’t ‘get it’
the first time ….having support is so important
to all people in any situation.
I think you being there is compassionate. I also
agree with some of the posts that you must go on
and peace is truly within. I have received some great
support here . What a supportive community!
They say in the program
that time takes time….
I wish you peace
This is why I love participating here.
Pat said, “Spend time with yourself or find some friends that have common interests that you can spend time with. Enjoy your life and your time with yourself. People would rather be around people that are happy with themselves and enjoying life. If things work out with your friend then Great. If not what have you lost. You do not need someone around you that is not going to be positive in your life. If you can fill yourself up with positive then the things he says will not have as much of an effect on your self esteem. I hope this helps some.”
I really needed to hear that people enjoy being around someone who is happy!!!! 🙂
Hello Cindy,
I’ve never left a message before and unfortunately don’t have too much time this AM. (I’ll post more later this weekend).
I am going through something similar…but when I encountered something like this…he was secretly drinking. Yes, still going to 2 – 3 meetings day per day and STILL drinking. That’s when the avoidance started with me. Maybe he can’t face you.
Put one and one together. In my research on-line, I learned alcoholics generally have some degree of narcissistic personality disorder. It’s all about them. They aren’t caring or thoughtful of others. That is why they seek out caregivers.
You know, it could be that he IS very busy right now attending meetings, hooking up with his sponsor, making phone calls, and working at his job. The most important thing for him right now is to maintain his sobriety. If he has to avoid his old friends in order to do that, then that’s what he has to do. There is NOTHING more important to a newly-sober alcoholic than remaining sober. Give him a break!
Cindy, please take some time to address your own issues. You sound like you are very needy right now. Don’t look to him to satisfy your needs or fill your empty space. Find a way to do it yourself! Go out and live your life! Become strong and independent and happy!
If you take care of yourself and the friendship resumes, you will be a better, stronger friend. If the friendship does NOT resume, you will still be happy and strong and independent!
I actually wrote this post two months ago. It has now been four months and I know he is not going to treatment or meetings. I find it very interesting that when people are in mutula relationships no one calls them needy. But when one party happens to be an alcoholic the person who gets hurt is the needy one. I can tell you from this point I on I am no lon ger needy of anyone. As any negative comments do not help anyone.
Cindy, are you still with the alcoholic?
Cindy, we are taught to beat ourselves up when someone stops talking to us. we are taught to assume that it must be something we did or didn’t do. I would assume he is probably embarrassed and ashamed. you saw too much and he can’t deal with it. don’t take it personally. he is doing you a favor, and he may even consciously be doing you a favor! it’s ok for you to feel needy and hurt for a while. but when you find yourself going around the same circles wondering if you should have done something different, like it’s up to you to make all the difference in his life, that is when you know you have to disengage strictly for your own sake. if you made a mistake, oh well. you’re human. you didn’t meant to, right? pick yourself up, dust yourself off, put your energy into something/someone who values it.
I think you took issue with Diane’s comment indicating you as being needy? You may not consider yourself as codependent, but usually people involved with alcoholics are codependent to a certain degree (and easily hurt). That’s why there is Al-Anon. I’m sure Diane meant no ill-intent.
Healthy mutual, loving, caring relationships ARE good. But when an alcoholic is involved it is NOT a healthy relationship.
I never thought I was codependent until the man I was involved with showed me the deep darkness living with a narcissistic alcoholic was like. And I asked myself, “How did I get here?” and I searched for answers.
Narcissistic/alcoholic people, as your friend may be, hurt the ones they love. They DO push people away… even cutting them off abruptly. Understand and accept that this is maybe the way your friend is programmed. I know he left you to wonder… Was it you? What did you do wrong?… It really is true that it takes two, though! I am living your life to a certain degree, wondering what I did wrong to push my man to so much anger towards me. I have come to understand my part in my relationship with my recovering alcoholic who continues to be a very angry narcissist man sober. I am continually fighting to resist my programming to seek love and acceptance from this person who shows no love and caring towards me in return… reliving my childhood issues I had with my parents, who were not present or very loving to me when they were. I am trying to get this otherwise homeless man to leave me, meeting constant resistance and guilt because he has no where to go. I wish I could just tell this person to just “Kiss My Ass”, and call the cops and kick him out (just like a narcissist would do?). But, without him, I would have a big hole in my heart… And guilt on my conscience… How could this man ever live without me? He needs me. I have provided for him. But, I understand I need him in my life just as much so I can relive my childhood issues and fight for the love I think I am deserving of.
I am not with the alcoholic. He hasn’t been a part of my life really in four months. Except for a short conversation or two when I’ve pushed it. I never felt like I was his “victim”. However I do now see how I was used for the things I was willing to do for him. And what is the hardest thing to take is to watch or hear about him embrassing his other friends who were willing to leave him be to die. That kills someone. You’re the one who finally stuck your neck out there and said “enough” and in his opinion you are nothing. I am pissed off half the time and hurt the other half. I knew he was sick and I never blamed the selfish way treated me on him. There is more to an alcoholic then the booze. They are still humans. And I would like to believe they have human emotions. Even if they aren’t able to deal with them. The last thing I need or want in my life is more negativity. And I understand that an online website there is a lack of “human” relation. I may be needy at times. I NEED to know that somewhere along the way I mattered. If that makes me needy then too damn bad. Anyone would need to know that. I don not NEED him. I want him but I will not die without him
And for clarification, when I say he is embrassing his other friends, they knew he had a problem but never said anything. Now they are great “friends” in his opinion. I could have never lived with myself if I had just blown it all off and not tried to help. But now I see where helping got me. That’s a very cold and lonely place to be. And maybe that’s me needing him. But you don’t give so much of yourself to someone and not miss them. If that were possible life would be much easier.
Hi Cindy,
I like what Mike said above… Let him go, and don’t chase him. Give him space to figure himself out, and you go work on you. Unwrap yourself from the alcoholic and focus on yourself “because your worth it”!
Hi Cindy,
I am in the same position as you. I separated from my AH end 2012. He is ignoring me won’t answer texes/calls tells me he doesn’t love me he won’t be coming back, all my fault etc. We were together 25 years and have 2 teenage kids, my son has not seen him in 7 weeks and he was a great father and most of the time a great husband and provider. Like you I am the only one who loves him enough to keep asking him to get help and I get all the abuse for it, however family and so called friends well he just loves them too bits and all the barmaids and skanky women he is drinking and sleeping around with and the reason why Cindy is because alcoholics attack the person who tries to help them, as for them the thought of living without alcohol is probably like us living without water. However my friend is a recovering A and she said A do feel love and do love their families but unless you are a addict you can never understand the need for alcohol. My friend also said the guilt and shame a A feels is a million times more than non A. I do need to know I was loved by my A and I know I was and still am but alcohol is his life now. My H was a hansom 6ft 2inch construction worker in 9 months he hardly works he shakes without alcohol, he is being sexually inappropriate with any woman any age, his face is purple he id dying in front of my eyes and yes am hurting any yes I am needy but I know there is not a thing I can do and it breaks my heart. Yes there is help for them but not many find recovery. My friend is 14 years sober and never relapsed so it can be done. Alcoholics are not bad they are SICK very SICK, and yes they hurt us very much and I wish my AH was not a alcoholic but I am healthy and of sound mind I miss the man I married every day I have a wee cry most days and I get angry most days but seriously who wants to be a Alcoholic/Addict no one wants a life of pain and misery and that’s what we eventually get as their illness progresses. God bless all of us and all the alcoholics/addicts too. X
Cindy,
My AH is still drinking and he pushes me away.
Drunk or sober alcoholics are insane. Very sad lonely people who always feel they don’t belong, they behave like the life and soul of the party but are dying inside. We have to let them go and let them live their own lives and I know this is hard as I’m trying very hard not to contact him. I was told this by a recovering alcoholic about them being insane and letting them go. X
Tracy, I don’t like these statements either. If any romantic relationship ends and one person still has feelings they call it needy, which is wrong in my opinion! A’s or not A’s love Is love. It takes awhile after a break up to get over anyone and the attachment. It takes work and time. Co-dependantcy is over used too. I think you just have to look at the degree of desperation and keep yourself in check. Thank God it gradually fades, like the death of a loved one. Thank God for TIME! There is a time you need to give yourself to grieve any loss and get through all the feelings.
The A’s are in an insane state and it just gets worse as they keep pummeling their brain with toxins. The bad decisions they make are painful and tragic and effect us and all those around them. They say every alcoholic effects at least 5 people around them I know mine Hurt me & X wife, his parents, his kids–that’s
7 people and if you count his sibling more. It is an eye opener when we find out we are HELPLESS to help them (and they call this controlling) maybe we just loved them–hea. They don’t want help until they do!
Hi Pez,
I agree, you can’t spend time with a man love, marry, have kids etc and then be ok when their drinking and behaviour spirals out of control. My AH 7 weeks ago looked sad, hurt and I know he wanted his home and family back and I was broken hearted but he is so far gone now I don’t know if he will ever get help I have hope and faith and like you say pez time. I feel really sad today I always am on Saturdays as that was our family day. I know all I was doing was helping the disease as he used to go to the pub and 99% of the time he was happy and loving however this day was always coming because me nor him could control it. I spoke to his brother who he used to work with and his brother never sees or hears from him and they were close. My AH comes from a family of 8 brothers and sisters 5 are alcoholics 3 have problems with lying and one is married to a alcoholic and their father was a alcoholic. SAD so SAD. The hurt and devastation alcohol causes is awful all over the world. Today I am sad for him other days hate him for what he did to me and my kids but he is paying with his life. The mess he is in 9 months is scary, still hurtful when you hear he’s with OW even though they are drinkers and he won’t even come for his son he chooses alcohol first, I know he is too ashamed but I have feelings too and they are very hurt today.
As I read there’s posts as s person in recovery
My heart breaks for all of you and the pain you go
through. I cannot speak for other alcoholics as thru
say in AA to speak for yourself. I know that I love
and I live with regret every single day.
Alcoholism is so terrible. The worst part is not that
we hurt ourselves. It is that we hurt others.
As I learn more about how you have been so
affected I wich you peace.
I think ‘we’ isolate because it is not only hard to
face the ones we love and have hurt
but it’s hard to face yourself . I wouldn’t wish being
alcoholic on anyone
Hi Stephanie,
I know now my husband is either so full of guilt and shame for his behaviour that he can’t face me his son or my family. He was living 2 lives 1 with me/kids and 1 drinking and sleeping about. I know adultery can go hand in hand with alcoholism because its a form of escape and the A need a ego boost they need to be told they are good etc but it is heart breaking for me his wife. Also my AH told me he loved me on 26th Dec 2012 but when his double life all came out the abuse he gave me was bad. Its hurtful when you get told you are not loved and he isn’t coming back etc. The thing is its me that has changed because this time I am not telling him to come back and I don’t think he can understand why because he’s doing nothing different. X
Stephanie: I was & still am mad at my ex but your words made me realize that he might have been in some pain like you mentioned. You are a woman and feel your pain probably more than a man, since most men try to push that pain away and not deal with it. But your words reminded me that even if my ex did not admit it he probably is suffering some too. I remember him saying to me he felt so guilty about what he did to his daughter but when I would question him he would back off and just say, “oh not being there when she was little cause I was working so much” but there was probably much more to the story so now he has guilt over daughter, first wife and now maybe me. You helped bring back some compassion in my life today for him. Thank you.
Tracy: Good to see you back–hope all is well and things will start to be better for you soon! Many of us here like you said our hearts are breaking. But Pez said some wise words the other day “we left and ended it because we love them”. It’s tough love sometimes and it hurts more when they just replace us but soon good times will come for both of us!
To Tracy and Debbi
Thank you for your reply. As I read everyone’s
posts here I feel so terrible about what this disease
dies to families . I understand when you say they
live two lives or are like two different people.
I am guilty of pushing loved ones away. That’swhat
happens when I drink . I have to wonder if that
is why I relapse. When things are going well
I spoil it..it’s myself I do not want to be with
bc I hate being alcoholic. They say you have to
accept your entire self but I can’t seem to get past
it. I don’t want to be me. Maybe that’s part of
the reason your A acts like he does.
I see how much you love them
I also can see why you don’t want to live like that .
You give me hope that if I stay sober things can be ok
but I will always regret being A.
Hi Debbi,
I will e-mail you later i’v been very down this weekend. Weekends are always bad for me I torment myself with him being with the skanks and it does kill me. I know they mean nothing to him its the alcohol and the ego boost still hurtful though.
Stephanie,
Thanks for letting us into the head of a A. This must be hard for you, worse than us who write on this site. I know if it wasn’t for the OW I would have taken him back. I know OW are part of the disease the escape the fantasy world the A try to run too. My friend who is a A and is in recovery for 14 years and has never relapsed said she would hate to be in my AH head right now as she’s been there and it is awful, she actually got a shiver up her body just thinking about it. My friend also said she slept about not for the sex but for the human contact because A hate themselves so much the need human contact they hate being in their own skin, hate being alone with their own thoughts so anyone is better than no one. God Bless Stephanie you’re family are hurt but if you where my mum i’d be so proud that you are trying X
Tracy
What a nice thing to say to me.
Especially since what you are going through is
so awful.
I believe my family will heal but I don’t know if I ever
will. There are days when I do feel positive
But look at all these posts ! The pain caused is
overwhelming . I am faithful to my husband but
I have let him down by being alcoholic ….
You have a strong spirit and I thank you for sharing
Debbi
The fact that you feel compassion is wonderful .
I know this is a very difficult disease and behavior
to understand…. One fear of mine that reading
your posts have shown me is that love is very strong.
Of course I knew that but I am so afraid of losing
my family… Like the article… Alcoholics push loved
ones away… In different ways but it seems we do.
The hard part is facing up to relapse/drinking again.
It’s easier to hide but not better. Also I feel safer by myself.
That must sound very strange . I hope you find
some peace …. Again I say, it is so unfair what this does
To you
Stephanie: It is great you show empathy towards your family, that is a sure sign you are on your way. I hope you have a sponsor you can call on a moments notice and hope you are now counting days of sobriety and soon months. After what I went through I stopped alcohol altogether. I was merely a social drinker–only at BBQ’s, weddings, etc but I decided to abstain completely myself and this Thanksgiving will be 2 years totally free of alcohol. Soon you will be there also.
Can I ask you some more questions if you don’t mind?
1-Did you hide bottles? Did you hide empty’s? If so, reason for each.
2-Did you have more anger when you were unable to get a drink or after you had been drinking?
3-What physical symptoms did you notice about yourself after the first drink and what physical symptoms did you notice over time that could have been caused by longer term drinking?
Just curious as most of us here don’t understand the reactions before and after drinking.
To all , especially JC for this site
Thank you for all your openness and
honesty. Because of reading your messages
I have called a friend in AA and am returning to
the program after a two year break from it.
I realize more now how important that support
was bc of the support I see you give one another.
I am feeling rather hopeless now
(That self -centered A stuff …)
and you all gave me hope because I don’t want
to go down further and I especially don’t
want to take my family there
So with all my heart , thank you .
And I hope one day , although anonymously
I will be reaching out to your loved ones, and
That it will help you too in some way .
To Debbi
I am willing to answer your questions. Anything
To help ….
My behavior involving drinking is by myself.
Usually I would take it from my husband who kelp
It locked in a bag in his car. ButI figured out how
to get into it. How sick is that . But then I confessed
bc it was becoming more frequent …
I don’t have a habit if buying it bc by the time I
get there I thankfully don’t go through with it.
Actually when I am out, I don’t think of it
And that’s why I think it’s great that you stopped.
I believe I’m triggered by my husbands drink there .
The smell , etc. however it remains my responsibility to
Not drink.
I am a calm caring person but under the influence
if alcohol I get mean.. That’s where so much shame
and guilt and damage to feelings is caused.
If I did buy a bottle, yes I would hide it.
It’s crazy that when I make the decision to drink
I don’t think anyone will be able to tell. It’s more
than obvious . But that’s how this disease works on
my thoughts. Then comes denial if confronted.
Then comes isolation from shame . It’s a very sick cycle.
I do not enjoy drinking. That must sound insane.
One of my daughters described it as a ‘fix’.
That’s accurate . I can actually feel it go through my
system like in my veins…. It doesn’t take much
to affect me and the fact that I ‘sneak’ it
has probably kept me from tragedy . Not that it
isn’t tragic enough as it is….
If I was to purchase it I would buy a small amount
Like a half pint because I cannot control it if its here
once I take the first drink..
I hope this is of some help .
I share it with humility because right now at least
it’s something to offer another person who
is hurting from this….
Tracy Said,” My friend who is a A and is in recovery for 14 years and has never relapsed said she would hate to be in my AH head right now as she’s been there and it is awful, she actually got a shiver up her body just thinking about it. My friend also said she slept about not for the sex but for the human contact because A hate themselves so much the need human contact they hate being in their own skin, hate being alone with their own thoughts so anyone is better than no one.”
Thanx Tracy for this tidbit of information. I am going to be totally open and honest about my feelings right now. Stephanie, this may be hard to hear for you–I’m sorry I’m not going to sugar coat things today.
My XAB said some of the above to me the 1st time he got with the skanky woman ie “she is just a body, so I’m not alone” “I can’t be alone”. Obviously, he can’t stand to look at himself and she is a distraction of what he is telling him he is wonderful, a great guy, boosting his ego for a home to live in and she is drinking with him I found out.
Tracy said, ” I know if it wasn’t for the OW I would have taken him back. I know OW are part of the disease the escape the fantasy world the A try to run too.”
The last few days I HATE HIM! I’m being honest. I want to go over, knock on his door and punch him in the nose, hard!! Of course I won’t but boy would I like to! I hate that he used me for 4 years, I hate I was so believing to give him a second chance he did not deserve, I hate he settled for a low-life looser just so he could drink, I hate he did not cherish our 4 years together and just threw it away (and me) like a bag of trash, I hate he has no conscience to what he did to me and can go on screwing and making a life with this other woman, I hate how he wants to believe he’s ok and a good guy after what he has done to me and his daughter, I hate that he keeps getting away with this even on probation! I want justice and I haven’t seen it yet. I’m sorry ACTIVE alcoholics are NOT good people, they are mean, hurtful, and spiteful taking advantage of innocence. They are selfish, self-absorbed people only caring what they can get and F$#%&& everyone else and the devastation they cause in the wake.
Tracy’s comment is that they are suffering inside themselves of who they are covered up by outside distractions. GOOD. I hope he has times of great suffering when he is alone and can’t drink because of probation classes! I hope he has great distress at these times hearing the words of the counselor on domestic violence and abuse! I’m tired of being the only one suffering because of abandonment. Yes, I’m bitter. I will get over it in time. Maybe when I meat a great guy.
Pez,
Today I feel the same I hate him with all my heart. He’s just text me to F… Off because my son who is 14 wants nothing to do with him and guess whose fault that is? Yep mine. Its my fault for being a good wife/mother, decent, honest, hardworking taking care of him and giving him two beautiful children and a beautiful life. And my thanks women coming out of the woodwork well today he can f…off. I’m sick to death of the lets blame Tracy for everything and you know why because Tracy would not take him back this time and Tracy has educated herself re: being married to a alcoholic. He had the chance to take our son to football today guess what he didn’t put his phone on in time to collect him LIAR he was hung over and wanted to go for more drink, and he tells me to get a life. He has no life he is so dependent on alcohol now it is so sad. X
Yea, mine is the same way with his 17 year old daughter. His X-wife told me the daughter went over to his house for a visit and he was drinking, pulled a bottle of wine out of the fridge dropped it and broke it and said, ooops that was Ashliegh’s (his enabling girlfriend) guess I’ll have to buy her another one. the daughter left! She does not want to see her dad much because he tries to push it on her to accept it like he did with me and his family. Now he’s threatening to take the X-wife to court because of violation of visitation!!! I told the X’s-wife he wont do it cause he knows the truth and he doesn’t have the money and if he does I will testify for her. He is an unfit parent at this point. And what an example for the daughter–with me for 3 years, instant live-in relationship with Ash, back to me for one year, back to instant live-in with Ash. He’s showing his daughter women mean nothing, they are just a convienience. The daughter is in therapy for the acts of her father.
Stephanie:
Thank you again for your honesty & I see you’ve decided to go back to AA. We know how important that support is whenever you go through any tough life issue. Your answers surprised me I guess it’s just that we non A’s expect all A’s to behave or react the same and of course not because everyone’s personality is different. Your behavior much less severe than my ex when drinking or in periods of sobriety. You did say you were able to stop for periods and that one hit home with me because I could not be sure alcohol was causing my ex’s problem because he could abstain for years but what you said makes it all make sense. Thanks for being so candid & get to those AA meetings–the support will help you tremendously on your journey.
To Tracy & Pez:
((HUGS To Both)) I see you both are having a bad couple of days & just want you both to know you are in my thoughts–we all have those days. It will pass soon!
To Pez
It is so awful what you have been through
and are still going through. I have heard alot
of stories at meetings. I prefer the women’s meetings
Bc I can relate and am more comfortable there .
I can understand why you think that way about
alcoholics. It’s a path of destruction .
I guess I am a grateful one in some ways because
I realize there is hope and if I stay sober that
won’t cause more pain . But you are correct that it
is very selfish and destructive on any level .
And anyone who knows they are addicted should know
it can be worse . I thank you for your comment .
If the truth hurts its because change is necessary .
I listen alot to HayHouseRadio.com
and it has helped my heart to heal. Maybe you can
try that and forgiveness may come so you can be
free….
And who said on this site, the A’s know they “can and will” do this or that because they can! The alcohol gives them the guts to do it. Fasinating, because My XBA said that exact thing! I will move on because, “I can and I will!”. And, he did! Forgiveness my A@#! We are not forgiven until, buy Christian standards, we acknowledge our “sins” and need for God”. In my opinion, they don’t deserve our forgiveness unless or until they ask for it and mean it, and acknowledge what they have done as well. The above statement, and I think you could think of many more, shows they know what they have done. NO excuses. Bad behavior IS bad behavior. I am not going to excuse it because of alcohol.
Debbi
You are welcome for those explanations.
It’s all bad …. I don’t think myself better than.
Your ex may do things I didn’t but its all bad
I’m sorry for all the hurt
I wish there was a cure especially because of
the family issues….
I guess AA is it and living a healthy life.
Steph, I posted this at the same time as you did so it is not a response. And, my statements are not directed at you. You did not have a relationship with me and abandon it and INTENTIONALLY hurt me, My XBA did. You are trying to get better, he is not. There is a difference!! And I applaud you. I do not look at you and he the same way.
With the advances in brain research and where certain emotions and things come from in the brain I do believe they are close! They need to step up the pace though and find the area of the brain where addiction takes hold and find a way to neutralize it!! More focus needs to be placed on this research. Too many lives are affected. Too many.
Stephanie:
In your last post you apologized for my hurt–what a nice thing to do. Sometimes I tell myself if I could have gotten just one apology from my ex-husband for what he did to me and here you apologized to me. How very sweet. Thank you. I keep trying to remember the kindness of others and not get bitter because not everyone is as evil as my ex to leave me without insurance so now I sit and wonder if cancer is now running through my body and I can no longer go to a doctor to keep up on my checkups. So, I face facts and trying to do the best I can and not get mad because getting mad won’t help my physical healing. But I wonder what goes through his mind or if he even remembered the health issues I was facing and his walking away felt like a death sentence to me. How does anyone walk away and not even look back or help. How does he sleep at night or I guess he never felt anything he did was his fault. I can’t even fathom thinking along those lines.
Debbie said, ” How does anyone walk away and not even look back or help. How does he sleep at night or I guess he never felt anything he did was his fault. I can’t even fathom thinking along those lines.”
Exactly Debbie. They have all done this to us in someway or another–you’re case is severe because of your heath condition. They are extremely self-centered so to this degree Debbie. Don’t worry they can’t sleep well at night because alcoholism messes up the sleep pattern and what they have done has to eat at them at times until they drown it away with more alcohol.
Well, you are stronger than I am Debbie. I am angry and bitter at times and I don’t forgive him–sorry. He’s over there laughing, drinking, & screwing this girl and I was thrown in the trash. Sorry no forgiveness here. Why did he not stay with her the 1st time and leave me alone!!! NO he had to drag me back into it with all kinds of lies and promises and F me over AGAIN. He is A NASTY HUMAN BEING to be able to do this to someone who loved and supported him through his divorce, through what he went through with Ash the 1st time, and on and on. I honestly hope She F’s him over! Cause she’s nasty too!
So where is your cancer Debbie. I think you mentioned something about a nerosergion?
Debbi
How much you are facing. I will remember you
in my prayers ….
I am way over this now but my first husband
left me with 3 young children and i was 6
months pregnant. I met a wonderful man who
is my husband and soul mate . He adopted my
children(the biological signed away his rights!)
By the grace of God my drinking problem didn’t
start then. As an older woman looking back
I cannot believe how heartless
But , you know , we were better off without a man
like that. I was scared but I knew it then too.
The hurt of infidelity is awful and from what I hear
he stayed on that path hurting others .
Some people change and others do not .
But even though I prefer to leave that in the past
I tell you so you know there is a love for you out there.
It was my mom who told me to forgive him so
I could have peace . Somehow I did but then again
I became alcoholic. Humans are complex but
some of us make it harder than it needs to be.
It must be awful to bit even receive an apology .
I say I’m sorry but words are not enough
But they are still important so thank you for sharing
that. We do learn from one another ,
Thanks to you and some others here I will be
attending my first AA meeting in well over a year.
It’s a women’s group so there is not that talk about
cheating …. Not that women don’t but the meetings
are different. ….thanks for the good wishes..
I hope you are taking care of yourself .
Do you have any help ???
Pez
I have no place to tell you not to be angry.
You have been wronged for sure.
But I don’t think there is any way that one
can have a peaceful life if they treat others
like that ….. I’m not justifying anything I have said
Or done bc of my alcohol use.
But I am sorrowful in my heart and I know God
knows that. My husband does too.
I hope you find peace in this whole thing.
You have children ? I’m sure they love you so
much and see how good you are,
I’d give anything to have my kids never say
‘My moms an A’
So you can be proud of what you do
and grateful that you have not caused them pain
Pez !!!
Retreading my post
I mean your A wont have peace by mistreating
You!!!
Steph, that is because you are in recovery and want to get better. The active alcoholic does not feel much sorrow for what they have done in my opinion. and every one is different, I mean alcoholics, I mean I saw near the end it was all a game to him and he enjoyed it!! I don’t think you enjoyed hurting and deceiving people, you just relapsed for yourself. Its not that you didn’t grow up you were just killing pain. Mine did not want to grow up, he wants to party, play the fool, use women like he did in high school, etc….
So you are saying above that you don’t think he is happy and peaceful because of the way he treated me, his daughter, and family? That would be good if that’s the case. Because if he is happy he will never recover–if he feels he can do what he wants to everyone and get away with it.
Debbie, I’m sorry but don’t hold you breath for an apology from your XAH. I’m not holding mine.
Ps. No, I don’t have children. I never got pregnant so don’t think I was able. I am now in my early 50’s so no kids now. I just want a loving relationship since my family is small.
There are some very good
People in AA , many of them are men.
But admittedly our alcoholic behavior was wrong.
I’m just saying that people do make amends.
Isn’t the man who started this site also recovering?
I think that’s what the intro said.
Anyway you have really affected me
And I have compassion for you and don’t
want you to misunderstand about my comment
Of women’s meetings….