Kelly’s Story
My story is I am a Christian woman and have been married to a severe alcoholic for over 6 years now. I have done all I can to live a life with biblical principles, honor and respecting my marriage. However, there comes a time when one must say how much more pain can I put up with.
After listening to your audio on how to cope with an alcoholic I felt a strong need to contact you as I believe there are functional alcoholics who are not abusive, and the severe alcoholics who are. And believe me when I say I know the difference!!!!! NO functioning alcoholic in my marriage. He picks up and we all go straight to hell on earth.
I read your post on living with an Alcoholic. However in spite of all the suggestions reality is, it’s simply crazy living with some alcoholics.
I have done all of these suggestions and sometimes better than others. However, I find myself caught up in the crazy cycle and was not able to see this clearly until I started getting help thru counseling and Al-anon.
My husband disappears when he drinks, actually he abandons us. He leaves the job behind, the house, the bills, and takes all the little money we have with him. Leaving me and my daughter with nothing for survival. I end up packing up the mess of our lives without any help or money as I am not able to work due to a severe illness.
Its so frustrating! and you ask yourself over and over “how did I get into such a mess?” Then you do it again and again. Who is the crazy one here I ask myself. I am now living in my new apartment as I have moved six times in a six year marriage is this not a definition of insanity.
But it gets worse, the past few times he has been out of the home drinking, he has involved himself with prostitutes. Of course he claims there was not any sexual conduct. Ha! what a horrible liar. He was just lonely he says looking for someone to show an interest in him.
How does one keep there mouth shut when you have been thru hell over and over again. Truth is, its not easy and yes my anger has lashed out with rage over and over at him. But it hasn’t made a difference. I don’t expect him to change anymore. I must or I will die.
You see I recently got tested for HIV and thank God it was negative. But in this life we don’t always get second chances and I made a decision about a month ago that I am a valuable person and I deserve to live my life to the fullest without chaos.
As I listened to your audio on how to cope and live with the alcoholic I couldn’t help feeling this is for the functional alcoholics in ones lives not the severe types.
Trust me when I say I know the difference as I grew up with it all around me. But what I did take from your advice is the only person you can truly change is yourself. And some of us need to stop thinking its okay to live this life style of insanity and more tolerance is the code.
It frustrates me to know end to hear people say things like acceptance is the answer to all our problems. Not in all situations…often there is great abuse going on in the alcoholic home and to tell a spouse to live and let live or let Go and let God may indeed lead one down a road of death.
This is why I am a strong advocate for helping the spouse living with an alcoholic because you can not assume that all alcoholic are a like. And just walking away or not arguing with them is not always easily done. In fact the only solution may be for some of our types of codependent spouses is to get out and don’t look back. Also not always easily done without help from an outside source.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I encourage you to post my story as it may help someone who is trapped in a very abusive alcoholic marriage. In conclusion I would like to suggest for you to due an audio on abuse.
Blessings,
Kelly
JC: Thanks for sharing your situation with us Kelly. Now is the time to hear clearly from God like you have never every heard Him before. That is my prayer for you.
In my experience, I did hear clearly from the Lord and changes took place almost effortlessly when He started delivering me from a very difficult and abusive alcoholic relationship. It happened in God’s perfect timing and everything I needed was provided for me. I’m talking about places to live rent free, an entire apartment full of nice furniture given to me, an attorney who took my case without any earnest money up front and in the middle of the deliverance, I was given a new/used car (a very nice one I might add).
Kelly, continue to trust in the Lord with ALL of your heart!
Please feel free to leave a comment below.
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Thank you Kelly for telling your story. I can so empathsize with what you are going through. I’m also a Christian woman. Grew up with both functional alcoholic parents but they too were abusive. Then last year after being with my alcoholic for 3 years and in denial for most of that time, married him and 33 days later he was in jail for domestic violence. Of course, that was not the only time he was abusive to me and came close to him killing me once. I also have a disability that left me completely dependent on him. Months later, I did annul the marriage, he moved out the beginning of April, I now have a protective order on him and I’m trusting God with everything. I’ve seen God provide for me in ways that I could never have imagined. I own my home so I’m responsible for all the bills and maintenance. God has made it possible to stay in my home and pay my bills every month since he left. God never meant for us to be abused so do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your child. Don’t look back and remember He loves you! Your precious and His mercy is new every morning. That means we have a clean slate everyday. He is more than enough and can “do exceedingly, abundantly more than we can think or imagine.” God Bless.
Thanks Kelly, I agree with everything you say , and I am happy to see that you have taken back control and that your are trying to forge a life for yourself( as hard as that is physically, emotionally and spiritually). It must be very tough but you are making the right decisions. A day at a time , a day at a time Kelly. Say your prayers and may you get stronger.
My question is WHY would God create such a horrendous disease? One that barley HE can touch? I have read out of 22 alcoholics, ONE will seek recovery! These are horrible odds. Me and others have prayed and prayed for the alcoholic in our lives and most see no results even though we see God is working. In essence, this disease/addiction is stronger than God in many cases. It really tries your faith.
As surely as there is a God,there is a devil as well.I don’t blame this on God anymore.
The Bible says…My ways are far above your ways and my thoughts far above your thoughts..(laymans)
… we see as through a glass darkly, but one day….
I believe there are lots of things I dont understand and have blamed God for.But later on, when I get understanding, I see a greater understanding….
I have prayed and fasted and prayed and fasted for my alcoholic.And he has found recovery at times.But what I have come to understand,is, that sometimes I have prayed “amiss.” I wanted my will and to control someone else and even God.I had to get recovery and seek God for real wisdom.If things didnt turn out the way I thought they should go, I would be devastated, feel rejected of God, which lessened myself esteem.All in all, for me, recovery,God, group, step work is giving me tools to use that work and give me peace..
I have a long ways to go, but I have hope and have enjoyed some relief, hope,change,etc..I am thankful and look forward to healing more!Best to luck to all of us.It is a hard thing to deal with!
Ross
Kelly:
You came to the same place I did and I made the decision that if it’s meant to be, it is up to me. Although mine did not leave, he withheld funds where I had to borrow from family members and work 2-3 jobs so as not to lose the house. And I too found out about prostitutes right on his credit card that he expected me to pay the bill on it with our funds. Okay, so you did the same as me–got tested–good girl! and then you got away–good girl because next time they do this we might not be so lucky. Please make sure you are tested for all the STD’s and include hepatitis. Because guess what–mine gave me the HPV which is easily treatable but left untreated can result in cervical cancer. So, I wish you well, you will survive, you are on your way. Dealing now with the hurt and emotions of his words, actions and infidelity will be difficult so get as much support right now for YOU!! You are strong because you left to save your life and you are right–this situation does not call for acceptance or it might have cost you your life. God does not want you to stay in a relationship where you will be harmed and I believe in both of our cases we had a higher power that knew we would not leave until infidelity entered the picture to show us how if we did not get away we may not have survived. Rest and heal and soon it will be better for you. You are in my thoughts.
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He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” (Proverbs 28:13).
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[…] Christian Married To An Abusive Alcoholic […]
My mother was the alcoholic. She was both verbally and physically abusive to him. He was a retired WWII navy officer. He never struck back. He took it… But as a child, I wanted him to divorce her. After over 35 years, many treatment centers, she finally quit drinking. She still is a dry drunk. My father died seeing her sober. But he took her abuse. She broke his jaw, scratched him terribly, and verbally abused him day after day… He was a saint! He was a humble person and I know he prayed. But he never complained! This took place starting in the 60s. I finally get it. He got it when no one talked about it. He loved my mother more than I will ever know. But I sometimes think… What would my dad do in this circumstance… It’s so very hard to live with an alcoholic. You can’t tell anyone what to do. I think a person needs to do what their heart says… You will never change an alcoholic! Fix yourself!
Thank You For Sharing Your story, mine is similar. I was married to a man who I knew was an alcoholic, but was functional at first. After we were married for about a year and and hhalf, he became abusive. The final straw was when he struck me while I was holding outer then 2.5 year old daughter. We have been separated now for over a year and the divorce has been final for almost 3 months. I am much happier, my daughter is much happier. I still feel the pain of divorce and how it will affect my daughter in the future, but I tell myself that we are better, because I would hate for her to and up in a similar situation.
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Don’t didn’t create this disease. He gave us free will. Alcohol is a disease and when they choose to follow it that is their choice. It’s a miserable choice for them and the ones that love then. I Have lived with one for 23 years. Now I’m trying to stand on my own but it’s hard with a part time job and 4 kids. But I will do it. I just have to rely on God.
I have been in an on and off relationship with an abusive alcoholic for over 5 years, he has assaulted me 3 times, and 3 times I have blacked out, he is now asking for detox, but he stays in another city just now, but he friends bring him drink when he wants it, I get verbal abuse too, he seems to blame me, and my friends for his problem, never his friends, he says he loves me, when he sober he great, but I just don’t know what to do.
Ruby,
What ever causes less stress is a great way to start. Physical abuse? That’s a biggy.
In my situation I decided that the drunken moments are outnumbering the good ones to such a degree that I’m thinking I deserve better.
Tonight I watched a recording of “Little People, Big World” Amy (recently divorced)had a swimming party and it was hopeful to see her interact with older, adult males. Not sure why that impacted me. I can’t see another man in my life for a long, long time…if ever.
I have been with my husband over 23 years. We been together since teenagers. He is a alcoholic. He leaves home and say he staying with friends and family. We have a family engagement or funeral we go together but he smells like alcohol all the time. He is losing weight. He is a diabetic. I am a nurse and currently going to school to further my career as a nurse practitioner. My husband leaves me with all the bills in our home. We have one grown daughter and one 3 year old grandson that loves him. My husband will always blame me for the arguments only when I ask him why is he not coming home. I ask about him neglecting me but he only sat and be quiet and say you know we can’t talk about certain things so why bring them up. I can’t talk about our marriage. Or bills. I pay his cell phone monthly because it’s on a family plan and he never call or text. He never check on me. He tell me he is going through a lot of stress and can’t find a job. He have a CDL license! His mom enable him and take up for him. I know he is suffering from bipolar disorder and a mental illness and he is self medicating with alcohol. He will call and tell me he want help and never show up. I love him but I can not continue to live like this. I love happiness. I’m a people person. I go to church every Sunday and pray on my knees daily for GOD to take the taste of alcohol out his mouth, but GOD seem to be ignoring me. I’m so tired working all day then going to school at night. GOD has blessed me to continue to pay my bills in our home and both cars. I try to stay busy and not think about it. I want to date other guys but I’m trying to stay true to GOD word. I’m tired of being neglecting of everything. I have no one to talk too. Everyone loves my husband on my side of family because he been around forever. This is the worse he has been He started drinking when we was 19 years old. He always have a attitude when he drink. He has been hospitalized 4 times with pancreatitis years ago, that’s how he consumed diabetes from drinking so much Each time he went to hospital he will not drink awhile then start back. He have been a alcoholic at least 18 years of our marriage. He is very mean now. He ask me for money to eat and gas in car but then I want see him. His diabetes is out of control the last time I checked it it was 567. (Norm 100-130). He hides and run and leaves when I talk about rehab or marriage counseling. I think I stay with him because the nurse side of me feels sorry for him. He never fight me but is verbally abusive. I don’t have low self esteem about myself so I try to overlook some of the things he say. We have sex sometimes if he can. He have problems sometimes with the diabetes and severe alcoholism. He stay depressed. I don’t know what too do. I wish I can find a man that respect me and work hard like I do so I can spend more time studying. I do know I am very attractive and sometimes guys feel intimidated by me because of it and my career I have. I can not believe God allow me to stay in this marriage. I cry almost everyday and I pray no results. I need help to move on because it doesn’t look like he will stop drinking unless he have another pancreatitis attack but that’s been over 10 years since his last! He use to have a attack every 2 years and they stopped but he drinks worse then every. He goes days without eating and all he have to do is come home but he has something in his mind that make him think I’m the enemy. Why is he in the streets hungry? No need to be but he choose to. He is a handsome man also but have not been taking care of hisself like he use too. Well I don’t understand why I pray so much but GOD never answers me.