The Alcoholic is Getting Better-Why Do I Feel Awful

depressed young womanJC: Ann, what wonderful news to hear that the alcoholic in your life is in recovery and getting better. I am sorry to hear that there’s a shift happening in your relationship. I would like to offer an alternative to you being lost and confused. Find an Al-anon meeting and start participating regularly. Make a commitment to go to at least three meetings a week. When an alcoholic quits drinking their entire life changes. Staying sober becomes the number one priority in their life.

Guest Post By: Ann
We saw each other and talked almost every day for two years. Now that the alcoholic went to detox and is in treatment, he really doesn’t seem to want to see me. I was the one who wanted him to go and he wanted to go. But now I don’t seem to exist in his life. I am not doing well. I cry all the time and can barely get out of bed to function. I am lost and confused. Why am I not happy? He’s getting better and I am getting worse. I don’t drink. I miss him and wonder why I am no longer part of his life. I feel like I am crazy. Does the pain ever stop?
Please feel free to leave a comment below the article.

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83 comments to The Alcoholic is Getting Better-Why Do I Feel Awful

  • Jean

    Hi Ann, I can share with you what has helped me. After 10 years of allowing myself to be emotionally, verbally, and several times physically abused I decided it was time to do something about it. And I have to say again….allowing myself to be. I let fear keep me in an unhealthy environment. I realized that I was just as sick as the alcoholic. Codependency, enabling, and no healthy boundaries. I used to use the excuse, the A used me and abused me but I let him. I could have went to some family member, shelter, neighbor, whatever but I felt I was ms. wonderful trying to hold everything together when that was only a delusion. It wasn’t until I learned what my healthy boundaries would be and what I would do if they were crossed could I live in peace. Not threatened by relapse, not fearful of the future. I got counseling and made a decision that I am a healthy, beautiful, loveable woman who deserves love and respect. I could have gone on and on blaming my AH but that wasn’t going to help anything. Once I made a decision to take the focus off of him and put it onto me then it didn’t matter what he did or didn’t do I was going to live my life. After my husband went to 5 treatment centers and embraced everyone of them but still relapsed I realized that I had the responsibility for my own life to decide what I would and wouldn’t accept. I didn’t have to give ultimatums but in firm yet loving words express to my AH what my needs were and if he decided to drink anyway he would do it without me being around. My relationship with God and by His grace I can live without alcoholism controlling my life. It is a decision to make just like the A has to decide whether they want help or not. It does take time but if I can do it anyone can. Just take it one step at a time and begin moving in the direction you know in your heart you need to go. God Bless You and EVERYONE who suffers because of this disease both A and loved ones!

  • Debbi

    To Lori:
    You poor thing–you’re going through a similar situation I just got out of. I see the same pattern over and over when the non-A is the wife. We get accused of the very thing they are doing–cheating, stealing, etc. I guess they call it projection–to make themselves feel less guilty about what they are doing if they think you are doing the very same thing. And you are right–they don’t want to grow up or according to my ex–it was mid-life crisis for all the behaviors but NEVER the alcohol–clear up until the end he told everyone he only drinks on weekends during football season and at the same time passing around the home-brewed beers he was making throughout the entire year. Sure hope others saw this before me–I guess I must have had my blinders on!!! this divorce will be hard on you but I’m sure you can do it. Don’t do anything stupid and make sure to use an attorney–when dealing with an A it is safer that way for you financially & mentally. My thoughts are with you.

  • Mia

    No there are no quick fixes or shortcuts but I can tell you what struck me when others commented to me

    They were:

    From the recovery clinic …..” Mia your boundaries are very clear and try to remember that if you love him you will want to help him save his life even if he’s not doing anything to do that himself. You detaching from him will be the only thing you do that will have any affect. They don’t discuss, they are in denial. Your absence from his life deep down he cannot deny and he will know why ”

    From my mother …..” Mia darling , if you stay with him and accept his drinking it’s actually quite cruel because you should be doing the very best for him if you love him and the best is the truth and you should be doing everything to save his life not accept his early death”

    From Carolyn Hughes …,” Mia the sad fact is that alcaholics cannot have relationships while they are drinking. No matter how much you think you are not enabling him, no matter how much you convince him to stop while you are with him you are still giving him a soft place to fall. While you give him a soft place to fall he will never hit rock bottom . While you are with him not matter what while he’s still got you he will put off doing something .”

    Recovery clinic “Everytime you put down a boundary and everytime you detach further it breaks down the alcoholic’s denial. Do keep saying no, keep drawing that boundary because it’s those boundaries they cannot deny.”

    Lastly I’ve found the only way to get impact on the alcoholic is short sharp NO I’m not living in chaos . The sudden detaching seems to impact more than drifting Away. No long conversations no long texts no response to messages etc all makes them think. While you engage if they just don’t hear what you say but feel they are engaging you in a debate they intend to win . So don’t give them debate. Say NO and then ignore . Only respond to positive steps forward . Only respond if they seem to be considering you. But majorly say in a loving way I cannot be with you while you drink. When you get detox and remain alcohol free call me. You need to focus on your recovery and I need to focus on getting my life back to a place where it is not ruled by alcahol .

    It’s a long road to break away but really I only did this because I could see he was dying or on his way. It’s taken listening to alcoholism professionals and case histories of alcoholics . I find more strength in the alcoholics stories for my determination . So many alcoholics have told me. If you love him walk away. Tell him if he gets alcohol free to call you . Any supportive close relationship he has with you will stop him. Alcoholics will always find excuses and reasons to drink and put off stopping . Until they lose everything they just won’t see any real need to stop. AND some still drink when they have lost everything. So
    As neither one of those is an option you have only one choice, walk away stick to your boundaries and don’t listen until they are alcohol free. That is the only life you deserve and the only one that will save theirs

    You will get there, it takes time. It’s a long road but I’ve come to the conclusion that

    The alcaholic has to stop denying they have a serious problem

    We have to get to a place where we realize we are also in denial if we truly believe we can be in a healthy relationship with a drinking alcoholic.

    Once both stop this denial progress begins. Unfortunately as with everything with them we have to be the first to make a change.

    Once you can’t deny it to yourself anymore is when you will be strong enough to detach because then you will know it really is the only loving thing to do.

  • Debbi

    Mia:
    You said it so perfectly. . .Thank you.

  • Karen

    Hello to you all, thank you pez, would you help me to define a higher power please. I do believe in God. I attend aa and al anon. I want so much to understand and gain the knowledge. Xxx

  • Pez

    Hi Karen, Well that is a loaded question on this site. From what I gain from reading here most posters are pretty strict Christians and to each his own. I however believe in a more universal God along the lines of Depack Chopra and Dr. Wayne Dyer (sp?). I do believe God is a personal God a living being and feel his/her presence with me and when I pray. This is a personal thing Karen and you need to read and define who you believe God is and I have found that many questions we have about God and the afterlife I just have to say I don’t know Nor do I claim to have all the answers! I HAVE NO DESIRE TO GET INTO A RELIGIOUS DEBATE ON THIS SITE SO PLEASE DON’T! This is why I like the theory of AA and alanon because it does not exclude other beliefs and can reach more people. It’s an inner search and personal journey! I would say seek God and pray so you can meet Him/her yourself and read for inspiration different spiritual lititure.

  • Mike

    Ann, his actions and words have told you the truth. No secrets.
    He has been truthful.
    Just rest on it a while and really let it sink in.
    Her has chosen drink over everything.
    Alone time is time to drink with no one calling him on his BS.
    It is hard to accept the new life you will start to live, but in a very short time, you will not regret it.
    Nothing you do will change him. Drinkers have the spouse, friend all figured out and will play them to the fullest.
    Some people can live with that and that is fine for them.
    He MAY reach his breaking point but you will for sure get to yours, and that will be before he hits his.
    It is a cycle.
    Stay strong while you endure this tough time.
    It is super hard, so don’t beat yourself down when thing seem to fall apart.
    We have been there.
    The dawn is near.

  • Deb

    The strength to leave the alcoholic? I don’t want to leave mine cuz there are perks to their forgettin’ and their apologizin’. They do that. After they have acted up, there is usually a purchase of cat food or errands they run to make up for it. I like that.

    If you are in love with one. You won’t be for very long. Unless you are a masochist and then why would you want to leave the alcoholic, you are getting just what you want. Abuse is what you are getting. If you are a normal person, you put aside money, start looking for your own place. One day you will wake up and that person will appear Ugly.

    Even if the alcoholic is super cute/handsome, you will wake up one day and you will find that individual Ugly. The moment you hit ‘Ugly’, you lose all romantic attraction. Its easy then. A person thinks they will always love the drinker or person who uses drugs. Just wait. The things they do (even if you are not psychologically sound) will do something internal to you. Its your insides and not your ego. You will wake up and the 106 year old neighbor who has no hair and could be your father will begin to appear ‘hot’ in comparison. Its True. Wait and See!

  • Deb

    Sometimes I hear folks who ‘Pine’ over their alcoholic after they leave them. But its not true and genuine, in my opinion. When the alcoholic plays ‘that head game’ to make you jealous of their ‘new girlfriend,’ all he is doing is pushing Known buttons. If you truly do an internal inventory, you can talk yourself a bit out of the suffering.

    Think about it. You really believe that the alcoholic isn’t going to drink around his new love interest? (what planet you live on?) He will hide it for a time and may act in ‘a super wonderful manner’ for a time. Who are you kidding? Surely he isn’t kidding you.

    The Entire Time he lived as your spouse or lover, the dude drank. Drinkers do Not suddenly stop being drinkers. All he is doing is feeding off your energy. You need to reroute your thoughts and direct your energy somewhere else to cut off this energy Vampire. He is still the low down drinkin’ person you knew him to be. Do you Really want that life? NO. Not as a love affair. Do not Miss or Pine over something which was GOOD to leave. The woman he is with may be with issues you are unaware of, maybe she’s mildly retarded or maybe she is also an alcoholic. If you think about it, honestly, he will drink again and now its not your problem even if you are alone.

    Alone is ok, alone is not hard. You have to get used to it again. Alone and in peace is a wonderful life. Once you heal up, you will regain your desire for ‘outside interests’ and you will begin to invite into your life activities and new people. You just need to heal. And, forget.

  • Gabby

    Deb–
    I feel sorry for you–you have let the alcoholic in your life make you become bitter and it’s sad that you cannot empathize with people here who truly are having a hard time. I hope you someday find your peace. My exBF has truly hurt me and I am mad at him for sure but I don’t want to become bitter and miss out on a wonderful new life that may be ahead for me. I will keep you in my prayers that you can let go of your anger.

  • Elisabeth

    Funny, Deb – I was going to say Thank You. My ExA left me because he became infatuated with someone else. Also because he got a full time job, so he didn’t need me to support him anymore. There’s more to the story, but it’s not important.

    And I guess because there were some good times and happy moments over the years, and mostly because I am so hurt that he moved on so easily and replaced me, I have been thinking about him a lot lately. In fact, I can’t seem to stop thinking about him. What is he doing? Is he with her tonight? Energy Vampire is the perfect description.

    No, I don’t want him back. I am just jealous that he has a “new life” and I’m left picking up the pieces of the old one. I don’t yet feel ready to find someone new, but I wish I did.

    Your note made me feel stronger – made me feel that I don’t need to think about him so much. You’re right. He’s her problem now. The pattern will repeat itself. It did with his first wife, it did with me, it will with the new one. Whatever happens, it doesn’t matter because it won’t be happening to me. I do have peace. I feel that every day. But now I need to let go of my obsession with him.

    Thank you, Deb!!

  • Pez

    I actually like hearing every aspect of dealing with an alcoholic from all the posters on this site because I have been there to every one of those places: Hurt, anger, Rage, sadness, pity, hopefulness, prayer, disgust, traumatized, indifference, humiliation at allowing myself to believe in him, Shock! And some so subtle no one wants to talk about: The feeling of a need for vengeance and justice that us good people hold back on but we go through the feelings.

    Thanks to everyone for there addition to the WHOLE of healing!

  • Julie

    I chuckled when Pez said it’s their way or the highway. My ex actually said that t my children. He said it’s “my way or the Highway you’re just kids so you have no rights.” BUt now that I left him and have the children he has kept his fantasy world alive with his drinking. He keeps making bad choices and trying to blame me. But you are correct, i cna see him starting to suffer the consequences. Especially without me there to shoulder all his burdens while he is out drinking. So I keep reminding myself that i did the right thing. He cannot strongarm me into enabling him anymore.

  • Mimi

    This isn’t really reply. But a cry for help. I have an adult child who had to move home because his drinking lost him a good job and his fiancé. He is a functional alcoholic who is able to fool people most of the time that he hasn’t been drinking. He can go for several months sometimes years and keep relationships and jobs, but when he starts to slip he can’t stop. He is a beer drinker. He does not go out to drink, but drinks in our basement where is staying at this time. He recently got an excellent job that he is excited about. This may work for a while depending how much his need to have a beer or two in the middle of the day is. He feels if he has a beer on the job and uses mints, no one will know. He does drink and drive and I am constant fear he will hurt someone. He is a habitual liar who doesn’t realize we know when he is lying even though we have told him we know. I go to a therapist who has told us to tell him to leave. He has no place to go. I don’t think I could put him out on the street since he has no place to go.
    When he is in a good place he is a joy to have around, but when he falls I cannot stand him. He has been drinking off and on for 20 years. He admits to having a drinking problem, but claims no way is he an alcoholic. We had a small intervention in our home with two recovering alcoholics, but he said none of what they said applied to him. He has been to therapy, but would never admit to all of his short comings. He is extremely bright except when it comes to drink. This problem started when he was a senior in high school. Up to that point he was a very popular A student. He was in a private catholic high school, but wanted to return to our town high school. His grades dropped like a rock and the lying started. He is in his forties and wasting his life because he won’t get help. I know you can bring a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. What can we do.

  • Mike

    It is all a head game. Don’t go into it.
    Imagine arguing or debating a ten year-old who want his way and if he doesn’t get it, he breaks things.
    That is what reasoning with an alcoholic is like.
    A lifetime of justification comes crashing down when faced with adult reality.
    We all married or are dating babies.

  • Mike

    Mimi, the problem began when he was younger.
    I have not met any families where the drinking “just happened.”
    The habits were there and no one did anything about it.
    He did not “have to move home.” You let him move home.
    He used you and will continue to do so. He will destroy your family.
    The choice is yours.
    Putting him in the basement is a drinkers paradise.
    Secluded, able to drink, no consequences, a free place to stay.
    Sign me up.

  • Ann

    I am left with hearing those words of him telling me how much he wants space and how much he enjoys his “alone time”. He left treatment after a couple of weeks and doesn’t go to AA meetings. He says he doesn’t need any of that because after detox he has no desire to drink. I have a nagging feeling the “alone time” is secret drinking time. And shutting me out is part of that too. Should I just decide that this is someone still not completely ready to be sober? He says he is not drinking and has no desire.

  • Pez

    I wouldn’t believe him for 1 New York minute!

  • Tracy

    Deb,

    Your comments about the new love interest had my sides bursting with laughter as this is where I am in my life. My AH and I are separated and he has women fighting over him although he denies he’s been with anyone since we split 8 months ago, this was one of the reasons I didn’t take him back this time. So really the bit on the side did me the biggest favour of my life. The women he is with are either drinkers like him or like you said mentally retarded why would a woman walk way from 25yrs together if they were okay?

    Still laughing you totaly cheered me up. Thank you I needed a laugh X

  • Deb

    Hello folks like me. We all fell in love with an alcoholic at one time or another. My answer may seem curt but its easier to write that way then in a complicated manner. When I was with ‘my man’ I was in love. He was a look alike to Indiana Jones. A good looker and he had a good job. Thank goodness I worked too, always have. Unless you are raising kids, not having a job puts you in a very defenseless place.

    I wasn’t lieing about The Ugly. For years as he lied to me, I woke up and thought how handsome he was. One morning I woke up and I found him Ugly. All day long I walked with him and I saw women look at him like he was hot. I would stop, look at him and..yep..’still ugly.’

    I tried to see the handsome man again but I couldn’t. Literally, my interior aspects of my self, maybe it was my soul, had seen enough of his behavior. I changed inside. I could not see him as attractive anymore. It was the truth what I wrote. When he became Ugly, my female desires arose and I was finding Other Men very attractive. Even men you ordinarily would not. It was EASY to leave him. I had the same Angst over seeing how easily he found a new Bride and moved on with his life. She was a doctor and that is where the Joke started. I knew he would get with a Pharmacist or a Doctor. Because he also did drugs. And, he WAS handsome enough to get the woman he would want.

  • Deb

    I was hurt by the victimization I endured during the marriage. The Lies is what killed me. I fed my hurt ego a bit by dating. I had two serious relationships and that helped, but I was still wounded. One day, after prayer, I changed. I realized something.

    I realized I was raised to be ‘dependent’ or to ‘seek’ a man’s attention for my self worth. I realized this was just some strange ‘thing’ that happened being raised by my parents (of that generation). When I broke through that barrier I realized I had been under a type of hypnosis, from Society. I realized I am an Adult. As valid as a man. I was sorta brainwashed from ‘that generations’ view of the male female relationship. Because in my parent’s day, many men had died due to war and there weren’t many. Its not true today, its not true in Modern Day Now.

    I knew my ex was still using drugs because of a phone call I got from a friend. I saw the wedding picture of him with his new spouse and she seemed happy, confident, her eyes had a certain strength. Since she is a doctor, I saw her picture on the internet a couple years later (for her job) and her eyes had changed. They were forlorn, she had a ‘tick’ in one eye and she looked Beaten Down. My ex is still drinking, I recognize ‘that look.’ Her soul is being torn but she is in one heck of a predicament because he may have leverage over her since she is a doctor. Who knows what she has done ‘believing his lies.’

    You will Not regret leaving a alcoholic. Your in some weird romantic thing we women get into. BUT, I do believe people can FEED of other people’s energy. Notice if you stand up to an abuser how they ‘shrink.’ Because you cut off what they are feeding on. There are ENERGY vanpires. The best thing to do is KNOW the ALCOHOLIC is pretty much still an abusive, selfish person. You ARE NOT missing anything. You have to cut the umbilical cord of energy. Drive two or three states over and spend the weekend out of town. END the relationship in your mind and be Happy about it. Who cares if you lost 10, 20 years of your life? People die all the time, you still have a life.

  • Pez

    Hi Deb, Just wondering? You left an alcoholic but it sounds like you are married to another one? is this correct? May I ask why? and how this happened?

    Loved this comment Mike, “Imagine arguing or debating a ten year-old who want his way and if he doesn’t get it, he breaks things.That is what reasoning with an alcoholic is like.

    Yes! They retaliate. Just like a child.

  • Mike

    Can anybody here tell me when anyone, anywhere, at anytime, knew of an alcoholic that actually stopped drinking?
    Not a six-month or two-year pause, but one who stopped for good?
    We are all living under the Sword of Damocles, knowing it might be two months, two years or ten years down the road at a work function, when it’s going to happen. It is torture to live with.
    I went to therapy with my wife yesterday and it felt so good to work on the issue that separates us: her drinking.
    Then today, after all the excitement wore off, I realized how on-edge and chronically nervous I am.
    Never being to feel relaxed. It has been so long, I forgot what peace feels like.
    Tonight, I smelled the infamous alcohol breath.
    It was preceded by the “my stomach hurts. Must have been the pizza. They used a lot of grease this time.”
    Of course, this always happens after a visit to the bathroom. The secret place where the drinking happens.
    No matter how ingenious the secret is, on thing gives it all away, the breath.
    Good ole alcohol breath. The one clue that can never be fooled.
    Oh, you can fool it and cover it up for hours, but when the body sleeps and the fruity ketones need to come out, the red flag is raised high for all to see.
    Now I can see how couples leave. I don’t know if I can last.
    I will die of a heart attack or a stroke soon, if I can’t get this anxiety and depression under control.
    There is nothing to look forward to. I plan things to keep my mind busy because if I don’t, reality kicks in.
    My only hope is to do what I can, so that that one day, when it ends, I can say, I did what I could.

  • Mike

    In my heart, I want to catch her cheating, so then I can leave.
    It will be one of two things that will allow me to divorce.
    One is death, the other is infidelity.
    The stress is so much, that no amount of hope overcomes it.
    That “hope” seems just like a wish to me.
    I might as well wish for the Tooth Fairy to bring me a quarter.

    The signs were all there before we married and I ignored them.
    Two things keep me here. One is the miracle that can happen, and two, my step-daughter.
    She is 18 in a year-and-a-half. Once she is one her own, leaving will be easier.
    She will know why I would be leaving. We’ve talked about it.
    She’s even wanted to run away from the madness on several times.
    There’s a part of me that wants to run away and take my step-daughter with me.
    To raise her with a peaceful heart and life. She has told me that she is so grateful that I came into her life.
    I feel like her lifeline sometimes.

    We need to tell others of our stories to protect them from our mistakes.
    Am I a pig for desiring this?
    I fell like a P.O.S.

  • C

    Deb – Thank you for your posts. You have helped me so much.

    Mike: Your posts are wonderful – greatly appreciate your comments.

    It is true you do detach – you no longer can stand living with someone who is in another world. Whenever my A would start being nasty, I would tell him to call his “family” and talk to them like he talks to me. It had a positive effect even though he was furious! He knew if he said something unkind to me, I would bring up his “perfect” family.

    Hope everyone has a great weekend.

  • Tracy

    Hi Everyone,

    I left my AH in Dec 12 after a roller coaster of a life. I have good days and bad days but I will not go back to that life of never knowing if they are missing for 3 days to 3 months, he was a binge alcoholic never drank in the house was a brilliant dad and we had no money worries all because of me. Eight months later my 14 year old son does not see him, my daughter lives with him through years of manipulation even though my daughter and I get on really good since she left she is 19, she is seeing him now as a liar etc she had a massive fight with him and he was begging her not to leave him so sad really. Well with me out of his life he’s lost a business hardly works or lies that he’s working in a rented flat, losing the respect that people had for him, has turned into a sleazy pervert who is sleeping about or trying to sleep with anyone that will go with him. It is hurtful about the women but he won’t get help anytime I have to speak to him he is abusive doesn’t love me, never coming back all my fault we lost our house etc. I know he is very ill however he does nothing to help himself. In 8 months I truly do nor know the man I spent 25 years of my life with. I love the man I married but I do not know the man he has become. Everything he says is a lie now he hangs with other drinkers and sleazy women who like Ded says thinks he can have a relationship
    with them oh well good luck because I think I got the best years his relationship is with the bottle. X

  • Tracy

    Hi,

    I am having problems getting my AH out of my head I try so hard but he seems to be there all the time. I try not to contact him unless I have to but he mostly ignores me anyway or tells me to f off etc or the blame game. His new one is ‘get over me move on with you’re life meet someone else’ well I am trying but he won’t do simple things like meet me at the lawyer etc How can you get them out your head as I am having a bad day today. Saturday is always a bad day as my AH and son used to do things together but my son said unless he stops drinking, taking drugs and going with dirty women he wants nothing to do with him. Guess what my fault he did not contact his son for a month and I have lied to our son telling him about the women well I feel no more lies and covering up for the AH am I doing the right thing?

  • Pez

    Mike: you know this is how it goes–you wrote about it! High hopes in the meeting and then they drink–constant let downs and disappointment. That’s life with an active drinker. I’m sorry for her relapse, it hurts, I know. I suffered those dissapointments. They were devastating. I am so glad I am out!
    Hope you are going to alanon or some support group. It sounds like your self-esteem is being affected. You are not a Pig. You made a mistake.

    Yes; My Aunt and I have met recovered alcoholics that have been clean 20 or 30 years or more. One that said his goal was to die SOBER! These recovering alcoholic come to the point they realize there life is soooo much better with out alcohol and they never want to go back. This takes a lot of work to get to this point and the courage to face themselves.

    Tracy, you are doing the right thing not hiding who he is. This has to happen. Others knowing the truth and his humiliation may bring him a step closer. Unless it’s a minor child.

  • Julie

    Tracy you are doing a great job with your children. I am sure your son has realized what hsi father is on his own whether you tell him or not. I am going thru the same thing right now. Except my ex is using visitation as a means to harass me and the kids. the children refuse to see him and they have had bad experiences on visits. But my ex filed charges against me in family court for not making them go. He claims i am ruining their relationship with him and should “fix” things between him and the kids. Again all blame is on me and all responsibility for his consequences is on me. I am trying to be free from him but even as he tells me he wants to move on with his life he is still trying to drag me and the kids into his life. He too has lost everything since i left him and is hunting around in bars for women who will sleep with him. I never contact him for anything and after he threatened me and the kids we now have a restraining order. DO not contact your AH and if you have to settle anything like in a divorce or see a lawyer, let your attorney contact him or his attorney if he has one. Any contact with him that you initiate will only make things emotionally harder on you and cause the old chaos and confusion that you were living in when you lived with him. I know because i have been there…done that. And things are so much less confusing and the struggle to let go is lessening since i do not talk to him or listen to his rants that make me feel guilty because he is paying the consequences that he has wrought upon himself. Best not to have contact so you dont get confused by his lies.

  • Tracy

    Hi Everyone,

    Thanks for your support and advice. I know what I did by leaving was best for me and my kids and I know the AH was always going to go down this road of self destruct but what I find really hard is we as a couple and family had a lot of really happy times, in the space of 8 months he is someone I don’t even know. Is this the effect of the constant drinking and taking cocaine? Its like he has just went off his head drinking all the time. Does anyone know if he possibly has damaged a part of the brain?

    Julie, thank you I know you are right, I set myself up to get hurt by him, but no more as he is so horrible to me the 3 people he should have loved and respected he treated like dirt. It is hurtful with the other women but I know they mean nothing to him he uses and abuses them too, but they are like him they drink and take drugs too. I don’t think non addict people can understand what they throw away and in the process kill themselves and hurt their families. X

  • karen

    Pez

    Thank you, much appreciated. Have only just caught up with my mail, been busy going to AA, Al-anon, 1-1 counselling once a week for families of alcoholics and today started 1-1 with women’s trust, must learn and change myself, what I have been doing hasn’t worked. I have much to learn, sink it in my mind, keep it there and work on it with the help from my Higher Power 🙂 xx

  • Pez

    I have just realized about myself that I just don’t understand cruelty–Not just of the alcoholic but anyone who is a cruel person ie has no conscious or empathy. I found this as I was searching the net on why some people are cruel to others. I saw the alcoholic in these statements. Makes scence.

    Heinz Kohut was a Freudian psychoanalyst who left the fold in the 1970’s. He developed a theory called “Self Psychology,” in which he argued that aggression against another person is always psychologically motivated. By this he meant that anger, rage and hate always have emotional and psychological meaning, even though it is not always obvious or easily explained. Sometimes rageful or sadistic behavior results from what he called “fragmentation,” which happens when a person feels that he or she is coming unglued. This is often the result, according to Kohut, of a feeling that you are not being understood or accepted by someone who is important to you. Without understanding and acceptance, Kohut believed, we lose ourselves. Rage or hatred directed at another person can be a way of holding ourselves together.

    — The British psychoanalyst and author Christopher Bollas says that beneath hatred and hateful behavior lies a profound emptiness. For him rage, anger, and hatred are ways of filling the emptiness. It is, he suggests, better to feel sadistic than not to feel at all.

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