Divorcing An Alcoholic-How do I get a life now

JC:Thanks Ross for your article. After divorcing, I poured myself into my kids lives, got heavily involved in Al-anon and started using musical talents in my church that I’d kept tucked away for many years. In my experience, when times were the toughest, the miracles were the greatest. Don’t give up, trust God with every area of your life.

Ross, I added a video below to this article. It’s very insightful and encouraging words from Anthony Robbins.

Please feel free to leave a comment below the article.

Guest Post By: Ross
One of the biggest challenges in my life, other than living with/loving an addict, is having a life of my own. I felt invisible growing up. I also tried to be invisible to cope with life. I also used to sleep when too overwhelmed. I wasn’t allowed to stay the night with friends and didn’t want any to come over. Growing up in an alcoholic home and the financial difficulties associated with it kept us living quite humbly. I was usually left at home when my Mom would shop. She usually took my older sister .The places I didn’t want to go to, I was sent and it wasn’t a good environment. I would be miserable and depressed waiting to be picked up to go home. I was very shy and introverted in school. Again I would just try to get by w/o drawing attention to myself. I just endured school. I wish someone could have recognized something and counseled me and helped draw me out of my shell, but that didn’t happen. I think things would have been different.

Flash forward to now, where I have taken care of kids, home and struggling to hold it together. I am on my way to divorce and one teenager that will be out by next year probably. I started on recovery (such as it was, there weren’t any real group meetings like al-anon in my area. I found the book Codependent No More and it helped so much. Along with a lady who had meetings once a week at local mental health for families of addicts and alcoholics.I was the main member the whole time , other than the lady who gave out information and encouragement. It did help and I looked forward to it.

This is an interesting video: Living Your Purpose



I have had so many problems for so many years with husbands on again/off again active addictions that it took all I had to take care of the kids and keep a roof over their heads. And tried my heart out to give them stability and emotional support to offset the challenges in our home. Now that I am about to be divorced, I have some worsening problems with my neck from an accident when I was rear-ended last year. I have a lot to deal with husband and all the bad things he did to me when he left,(stole retirement and blew it, cheated and held finances over my head).

I am also trying to keep my word and finish homeschooling son. But I don’t have enough money for bills and groceries and cannot work and hope the doctor will give me better news about my condition, what I read about it didn’t sound good to me!

My problem that I’m posting here? I don’t know how to live. I work and fix the next problem. I don’t have any money. I am lonely after having been married for all my adult life. It takes all I have to get through the day’s responsibilities. There isn’t enough money to go around and its so hard I am lucky to get through the week with a solution.

I have been working on having a life since 2007, but I’m not getting very far. I hope others who have been where I have, can share how they got a life. Work and responsibility is all I know. I am so alone that if I did have a little bit, I get a mental block because its hard for me I guess. I’m not an unattractive woman. I’ve been told I look younger than my age. I feel like I have had this problem my whole life and feel like I am missing out but don’t know how to LIVE. I want to be happy, to love and be loved back w/o fear of relapses.

I am a Christian woman. I wont be sleeping around before marriage. So it looks like I am in for a long road. Not to mention it has been lonely a lot of the time while married to my alcoholic, 25 plus years invested into our relationship, and I was dedicated.

It’s a hard day when you realize your spouse chose a drink over a marriage you treated as something special. Not to mention sleeping around when he was in his relapses, to which I didn’t fully realize till we split up late 2011. I have too many problems that I must do something about or it all will fall apart.I am all there is to deal with it.

So does anybody have any real answers? How does someone like me learn to live while going through all this? I don’t know how and it makes me feel hopeless because after all these years I still cant get it! I feel like giving up, but that would be miserable too…

You might also enjoy:
Feeling Rejected By An Alcoholic
Insanity Surrounding Alcoholics


41 comments to Divorcing An Alcoholic-How do I get a life now

  • sc

    Codependent No More is a great book. I would like to recommend another book.

    Healing the Shame that Binds You (Recovery Classics)

    I have had this book for years and still to this day, when times are difficult…
    I will look up chapters to see what Bradshaw thinks about it.

  • Mike

    Look toward God.

  • Deb

    Dear Ross,

    My advice to you is to get some Perspective. My father used to always say ‘you can’t see the trees, due to the forest.’ The saying means what you need is right before you but you aren’t seeing it. You have to drop the ‘drama.’ The drama is not your fault, it is the place Life as the River moved you to. One of our problems, is ‘comparing’ our life to others and trying to set some ‘strange goal’ of what a normal life is. Your Life is exactly what it was supposed to be. We don’t come to Earth with some guarantee ‘easy ride.’ You are plopped here and you run almost from the git-go. Take that in stride. Take a long and deep breath and know that ‘your life so far is exactly what it was supposed to be.’ And, don’t compare it to someone else and don’t think ‘it should have been this way or that way.’ So, Release your Life up until today. ok?

    Release your life and let it go. Now, it is Today. What will you do today?
    Believe it or not it is ok to be alone. Nothing in the world wrong with it. If you disagree, speak to someone in the hospital ward with a huge family and in cancer treatment with perhaps no hope of tomorrow. If you disagree, consider the many so poor they eat rocks so their tummies don’t hurt who have many people around them. You are by yourself, apparently. Ok. Do you want to read a good book? Something a friend suggests or maybe go to the library. There are a lot of people at the library, why don’t you go there. If you want to, take a walk down the street and see who you run into. Volunteer at a food pantry. (That one is great because you can get free food yourself and talk to people who know how to handle a ‘very bad day.’ Many of these folks have the most beautiful things to say about ‘a single day’ of life. And, how to look at it.

    You don’t want to go out? No problem. Go outside and watch ‘the grass grow.’ I’m not kidding. Find a nice spot and watch a single patch of grass for an hour. Notice what you notice. You will notice so many things that are amazing and you may just feel joy if you surrender to ‘all the crap floating in your head.’ Right now there are Llamas in Tibet and all they do all day is sit and meditate. They meditate, have tea, then meditate some more. You can do that right? Life is Wonderful by yourself and alone. Life is Wonderful with people. Your Life is unique and special and of a design that it is supposed to be. Find out who you are in that design and release the expectations of everyone. Be You. That’s It. Just Be You.

  • Deb

    The Jehova Witnesses are great for getting money and support when you are totally broke. Yes they are, whether you are religious or not. Go to Catholic Charities to get contact of ‘folks’ who offer free food. In major cities there are usually such places. Sometimes you can contact dept of unemployment for the phone number for welfare agencies.

  • Debbi

    Ross:
    I feel your despair as I am in the same situation with financial problems & everyday is a new battle–yesterday, retirement money missing even after court orders from my divorce. I journal every day. My entries have shown my despair getting worse. Two years ago I did a gratitude list at the beginning & prayed to save my marriage. Last year the gratitude part went out the window I just prayed to get my radiation treatment done before I lost my health insurance due to upcoming divorce & that I would not die. This year my entries are more like I wish I had died in my surgery and now instead of counting gratitudes I count all the punishments I seem to get every day. So I see both of us slipping here.

    So, Ross, you & both have to turn this around: We can’t define our future based on our past. I wrote down my problems & now looking for more long-term solutions instead of just trying to get through each day’s problems because that was not helping and bringing me down even more. I have some ideas that may help both of us:
    1-I too am a Christian & will not sleep around just for some intimacy. A lady in our office yesterday had a very bad marriage & now she says how she gets more affection from her dog. I laughed but she has a full life & takes in dogs that might not normally have a home so you & I need to find our intimacy & affection that we have lost from another source.
    2-Once you stated you’re working and once you stated you’re not due to accident. Let’s both get better paying jobs–surely there is something you can do from home on the computer or anything to increase your income or hey–think of an idea & build a business on it–you are homeschooling your son. . .put your name at local schools as a tutor. My grandmother did this to supplement her income & it was a great source of pride & accomplishment also for her.
    3-To be loved & fear of love–this one was tough but you & I have to realize that our ex’s did not love us or anyone else–they just used people (my ex used his own daughter to spread lies). So even though we were married and thought we were loved, turns out we were not–rejection at it’s best & that one sticks with me. I think the worst thing you & I can do is reach out to someone new for any type of love or companionship. We need to look at those already in our life. The ones who have stuck by us through this and build on that because these are the ones we have the trust in right now. The worst thing would be to start a new friendship or other relationship right now & find out we are right back where we were. Who in your life in these last couple of bad years has been there for you? Find those people and build an even closer relationship with them. You mentioned the one support group you went to–go back to those people, build a new and better relationship with children, parents, cousins.

    sorry to be so lengthy but I know you & I both looking for suggestions to stop this bad mindset we are going through right now. If you live in the US, tell JC it is okay to give you my email address & we can exchange phone numbers & I will be more than happy to be a long-distance phone friend. I know what it’s like & we both need to make better wise choices from this point on or we will find ourselves in even a worse place than before. My thoughts are with you & ready to help.

  • Deb

    Who are you? Ask yourself that and answer it. Not answer it based on what other people have told you about you, answer it yourself.

    Do you know that if the other person in your life really was your Advocate, they would believe in you over what anyone else would say about you.
    The fact that they won’t believe you over ‘anyone else’s lies’ is because they are Weak. The reason you weren’t loved by your spouse is because they are Unfaithful.
    The reason someone tries to divorce you when you need their help is because they lack Charity and they lack Mercy.

    When you are Stricken by Life, you have two choices. You will surrender or you will fight. You can nurture yourself and cry inside yourself and pity yourself. You should do this you should put your arms around you and tell you that you are loved. You can love yourself. Do you see that sky outside ‘it love you.’ It does. So do the trees and the grass and the air. You don’t have to look for love from people did you know that?

    You can look for love from the wind. You can receive love by standing with your back to a tree. The tree will love you. Do you understand? This Entire World, this Entire Universe was made for humans. It really was. From the insects to the stars, and that is The Truth. If you are That Important that the stars were created for you, do you really think you have to look for love only from a human being?

    TV, stories, movies they are myths. You want to know what is real, today is real and your life is real. You are real. And, you are important, you are valuable. You are so valuable that only you were born as you here. You contribute to us. You contribute to me because your life energy, your essence is here on Earth with me. Without you this world is less. Know That. Cease with the socially programmed crap. You are a Miracle a one time Miracle.

    No. The World won’t tell you that. But it is the Truth. You bought a lie. A great grand lie and part of that is that your spouse ‘has sucked you dry’. Your energy is depleted, raped, ruined by another. Its ok. You can renew yourself. You are Important. If you don’t Know this, then you must Search to Know it. You have to Find this. You, yourself.

    There is a story about a man who went to a cliff to kill himself. After he jumped, the few seconds before he hit bottom he realized suddenly ‘how much freedom he really has.’ Get other people out of your head. Get up, take Steps, Baby Steps and Improve Your Life. IF not just by Finding Out something. ‘who are you?’

  • Linda

    Having a problem here making sense of my A, Goes to AA, not drinking or drugging ,that I can see. but his action are still the same. His words say one thing his action say another. Is this what a dry drunk? ANGRY AT ME ALL THE TIME.

  • Ross

    Thanks for the great feedback!

    Linda, have you tried al-anon? If not , I highly suggest it.I understand
    how hard it is.I’m sorry for your pain.Also, consider looking up a condition that
    recovering alcoholics go through….”P.A.W.S.”,too.

    Good luck!Keep sharing it helps!

  • Linda

    This is a disease call denial. The a gives just enough to keep us believing their words. When their action tell the opposite. This I did not see till the third party involvement. Deny, deny, deny, that’s what they do. Today I’m being honest to my own feeling. I’m tier of feeling sick in my stomach. This is family disease I did not see. The a brother did the same to his wife. The other brothers wife had nerves break down. That’s what this one is trying to do to me. Deny, Deny, my feeling so they can control us.

  • Debbi

    Ross:

    Just checking in with you to see how you are doing these days. . .was worried about you–keep me posted. Debbi

  • Ross

    Linda, sounds like youre learning a thing or two.I’m sorry for the hardness
    of the way.You sound strong.You’re going to come through this..

    Deb…that was a nice share.Thank you.!!!Blessings..

    Hi Debbi, I have had my sons friend hanging out and cooking and taking them places, so havent been on the computer much.You always say something helpful and insightful.You’re growing too despite all you’ve come through.It really does help to have each other on here.I will email JC.It would be good to have a phone friend..

  • LINDA

    Help, Why do I have this dyer need to explain myself. It only makes me look like the crazy one. What hurts the most is my sons, that don’t talk to me… Feeling so alone. Allon meeting are far and few here. Can’t always get to them because of work . I’m living as his option. Thanks for leaving me vent….

  • Debbi

    Ross: Glad you’re back.
    Linda: I too have a need to explain myself. With me it was because exA was Mr. Nice Guy to everyone else and told horrible lies about me & I want my name validated so I have this need to keep explaining what happened because no one believes me. My ex never drunk but drinking in the evening created his meanness to me that no one else saw. Why don’t your sons talk to you? My son walked out 13 years ago and never talked to me again–but unrelated to exA. Is there a way to talk to your sons? What is the problem? I know that feeling of being so alone. Remember: You are not an option-If someone is not treating you as a priority back away–you are not an option especially with your spouse or significant other should always put you first–it is your right in that relationship.

  • linda

    Debbi not sure what he has told are sons. I came back believing his words. He only cares about himself. He’s trying to prove his lie right. Believe he’s trying to drive me crazy. Marriage counseling did not work I share my feeling n he just would do anything that bothers me all the more. He has made his discussion but won’t leave . He has braged I not making him look like the ass. His brother did the same to his now exwife. They what everyone to believe they tried everything.

  • Debbi

    Linda:
    You said “they want everyone to believe they tried everything”. I believe it so, & in my case he wanted them to believe it was all my fault. Why do they do that? Some that post here don’t have that with their A’s. What is different with ours?

  • Amy

    Debbi mine did that to.Always trying to make himself look good and twist things around and tell anyone who would listen how I was the craxy one, how I stressed him out so bad that is why he drank, and 100 other reasons that were sure to be my fault as well.Goes with what they do if you ask me. It certainly cannot be there fault, nothing ever is in their eyes. Mine was nice as pie to everyone else when he was drunk, everyone but me.I think it is because they know we dont like it, they know they are ruining things within the realtionship, and they know we above everyone else see right through them, though I believe others do as well, they just dont have to live with them so they are not directly affected by the way they are as much as we are.Plus I can only imagine what mine told other people. Lies and more Lies I am sure.

  • Debbi

    Amy: Thank you it helps to see I’m not the only one. I’m not sure what he said about me but one day I heard him on the phone yet again with one of his family members talking about my upcoming surgery and I had asked him not to discuss with anyone just yet. My curiosity got the best of me so I went upstairs and picked up the extension and he was on the phone with his sister and they were laughing at my upcoming radiation and his sister & him hoped that “if it would turn me into the incredible hulk or maybe at the very least change my personality”. I was so devastated because at the time there were only 4 hospitals in the country that could perform this type of radiation & I had to travel miles to get there and of course exA never went & then to hear him and his sister laughing like it was some big joke cut me like a knife. Later that day he admitted to telling his family and had to the nerve to tell me his sister (who just made those awful comments) was putting me on a prayer list at her church. I still hear that conversation in my head to this day!

  • Amy

    To me it sounds as if the sister is as dysfunctional as the ex.I actually recorded mine and didn’t I find out some juicy stuff.My ex A and his mother have the most dysfunctional relationship I have EVER seen in my life.He gets drunk and then calls her screaming for her to get down to what was our house. Then she takes him out on her car and they have a talk..(I am guessing about me, and how I am the problem and lord knows what else).I actually got the opportunity to talk to one of his ex’s recently who told me the same thing went on when she was with him.Like a big baby crying to his mother and his mother feeds into it EVERYTIME .Everytime he gets drunk he calls his mother screaming, having a fit wanting mommy.I actually thought it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever seen, and the more I seen the more I realized how crazy and dysfunctional both him and his mother were. I RECORDED and found out alot, and I am glad I did.She would come down and get upset if I made changes to the house, mind you it is not her house, he would tell her he wants me out everytime he was drunk, and she would tell him to set myself outside. She would message me everyday on facebook to ask what was going on , what he was doing.I honestly dont think those two know where one starts the other ends..It was REALLY WIERD .but when he was sober he would ignore her and be rude to her and never call her unless he needed something, figure that one out..lol. His mother is his biggest enabler and dont think I didnt tell her straight up what I thought. I told her he needed rehab and she said he just needs to stop drinking and go to work. If anyone had seen what I spent the last year living like they would see his mother is in as deep a denial as he is and lies about his drinking and covers it up in any way she can. I will tell you one thing I am so glad to not have to live like that anymore and I look back on it now and seriously wonder how I got out of it even alive. I was a shell of a person, I lost tons of weight, was so exhausted I was almost falling asleep at work, any hobbies and any other things I valued and loved like running were all gone. What remained was someone full of fear, anger, confusion, and anxiety everyday,I now an slowly gaining my life back little by little and I will tell you I do not care how bad my worse days are, it will never compare to living with an alcoholic! The statement ~alcoholics don’t have relationships they take hostages~is nothing but the truth..

  • Ross

    I think I over explained myself for several reasons.This is a good thing to bring up, as I have pondered these things lately.
    I realize the games my husband played with me.Or maybe it was my responses to his interactions were askewed.
    I over explained because
    (1)we never got anywhere when it came to our relationship issues.He’d act like he was there in the conversations but even if he agreed to anything, it was usually very short lived and he would forget.
    (2) When that would fail, as it usually did, I’d think perhaps he didn’t understand and I hadn’t “went about it” right. So I’d explain again. With the same results.On d on this went with all the issues.Never getting anywhere over the course of our long marriage.
    (3)Low self esteem on my part(and ignorance).Why?it was easier to be in denial or even focus on what he wasn’t doing, rather than what I wasn’t doing, by drawing a clear line and set a boundary or consequence once I’d seen he wasn’t meeting me halfway. and take a risk of losing him or..(see the fear,too?)
    (4) Low self esteem again, in that , when I was growing up, I felt my quietness and being withdrawn was misinterpreted as I didn’t have anyhopes and dreams and negative assumptions were voiced about me, to me, by others.So I think that affected me and I explain myself so others wont presume the worst.
    I was often overlooked growing up.I withdrew to deal with my dysfunctional home.Having done that I guess they assumed I didn’t need or want anything?And I dont recall anyone trying to draw me out of my shell and try to teach me anything about life.Not that I think they knew the proper way about things.I guess they did the best they knew how.Also, maybe I tried to explainthings to show that I was intelligent enough to want, to do certain things.
    (5) Mind games of spouse when active or not?I don’t remember too specific, because there were so many times of active use and some lulls in sobriety.Where he would try and confuse me to throw me off to what he was doing or what he didn’t want to face by confusing me and trying to get me to question myself.(look up gaslighting, if you’re interested)

    So these are some of the things that have come to light to me so far in my journey to healing and understanding myself and how I got here.Hope this helps someone..
    Ross

  • sc

    I can relate to over explaining myself. My need comes from growing up in an a home (father did quit drinking when I was 8) where my father made me the scapegoat. I was being blamed and criticized starting at the age of 13. It is something I will always deal with even after a lot of therapy and coda support groups. When I would try to explain myself to my xah, he would act like I was a crazy woman.
    All of these stories make me sad. I had a friend say…humans will do things to each other, that the animal kingdom doesn’t do to each other.
    One thing is for sure, their self talk to themselves is as negative as the way they talk to someone else.

  • linda

    Ross
    I know all so well about the gas lighting. That is what my a is doing to me. While they look like the good guy. This a has brag about it n laugh in my face. You aren’t going to make a ass of me. He’s not going to tell me the truth.

  • Pez

    Debbie: Gas lighting is common with almost all alcoholics. You are NOT alone! The first time around with my XAB when he jumped to the homeless whore–He did the same thing calling me crazy to his family, friends, and anyone else that would listen and they believed him the first time around. It took me sending his family the Court records of the new girl (18 year criminal history), and time for them to see it. They don’t want to believe this about their son or sibling. When he realized who she was I gave him a second chance. At this point the parents and sibs got to see who she really was and warned him not to go back with her (she put him in jail for kicking her out of the house). Well, as the story goes, he did not change, Utimatum, and jumped back with the wench. He tried to do the same thing gas lighting, calling me crazy, but they didn’t go for it this time==they knew the truth. I am actually proud of them for seeing the truth with their son. This is hard for a parent or sibling to do! To see the problem is THAT BAD. The mom wants nothing to do with her! And as a result he threated “to go down there and kill them all”! Slurring and drunk. I would pray the scripture, “What is hidden in darkness be brought out into the light”. Amen. This needs to happen to all of them! Pray that God would open their eyes that the denial of there family members addiction is not helping him. As the other lady said, they do not live with it on a daily basis so they don’t see what we see!! Plus, they try to put on a different face in front of them. I am thankful he has made a fool of himself in front of everyone!!

  • Debbi

    Amy:
    Wow you went through this too–the tables got turned on me though–my ex put a recorder on the phone and recorded me–I guess when that turned up nothing the sister got involved and lent him a spy camera to place in the house. I’m so afraid one day I’ll see a video of myself on the internet. For six months after hearing that one–I dressed & showered in the dark so I guess in my case it is his sister who enables him and obviously does it with her son who 2 times drunk got on an interstate going the wrong way and almost died and his mother (my exA’s sister) sees nothing wrong with this–he just needs more love & instead bashes his girlfriend who has to live with this man. I never would have thought his sister could be so cruel–she actually lost her first son–yep you guessed drunk driving and died. I guess that family sees this as all normal and then look at me like I’m the weird one & call me names but it still hurts to this day the awful things I can imagine they said–one comment I heard was enough for me.

  • Debbi

    Pez:
    I’m glad you finally got others to see the truth about your A–it sort of validates you–I know that will never happen–my exA is way to smart to make a mistake & so I still wonder if it was A with him or he is what you call a misogynist (spelling??? but term for men who hate women and use them as objects) since I could see a big side of that in the way he used pros***tes & the way he treated his own daughter–cheering her on when she had an affair with her married boss, broke up the marriage & now living off his money. She’s getting her just rewards though because this man’s kids from his marriage hate her (exA’s daughter) with a passion & I’m sure she doesn’t like being called names. But she sure called me some behind my back–ahhh…..Karma at it’s finest.

  • Pez

    Yea, sounds like his family is very dysfunctional themselves. Don’t count on him being too smart! They are smart in a stupid, detrimental way! If he keeps drinking his mental faculties will decline and he will make stupid mistakes. Just give it time & believe in justice. The main thing for you is to KNOW WHO YOU ARE! Know the lies are not true. Try to work on not letting what others think of you bother you–You KNOW this is not who you are! Screw them! I know this is hard at times, but if you know the truth, you eventually won’t care what they think of you.
    I know the mocking and gas lighting is so hurtful. It pierced me through the heart considering all of myself and love I gave. But you know this is not true either. Keep in mind they do this to make themselves feel better. It doesn’t work, Cause they know deep inside the truth about themselves! Keep telling yourself the truth. Post it on a mirror and speak it out loud as much as possible.

  • linda

    Debbie they are call narcisst.tjey only care about themselves.

  • Debbi

    Pez & Linda:
    Thank you both–needed to hear that–I do doubt myself because my behavior was not so good as we all know we get sucked into the arguments & that part of the fighting in the marriage I take the blame for. But this gaslighting is actually making me think I’m crazy for such crazy stuff keeps happening around my house & now that I have completely shut off all phones instead I now get mail from unknown sources telling me I’m a sinner or 2 weeks ago an email calling me horrendous names. I can’t turn off the last 2 ways of communication I have (mail & email) so I guess I have to put up with it–but my exA is in no way smart enough to create a phoney email and send stuff to me so these days I question these last things that maybe I just have this “black cloud” over my head. But at least I’m still alive–that according to my bank–he hasn’t tried calling them lately and reporting me deceased. I found out through all of this though that the police and prosecutors offices still do not believe women so I quit making out reports & hoping he will just go too far one day & get caught if in fact it is him. . .still not sure.

  • Pez

    He’s a freakn’ lune Debbie! Write him and his family off the face of the planet. It says something when he just can’t let it go and move on himself–has to have people torment you. He is soooo convicted of himself he has got to make someone pay, to blame. It can’t be himself now can it! They have to try to prove, even to themselves, that they are not that bad–but they are! They are just sick people, so blinded by themselves and their own actions.

  • Debbi

    Pez:
    I would totally agree with you except for one thing. . .I can never prove he’s behind this or that it isn’t just strange coincidences but I have had the most bizarre things happen to me in this last 3 years that never would I have thought it possible unless someone was behind it. Once I get my proof: 1-it is totally the alcohol drinking of 40 years that caused this & 2 It is him & 3 he says to someone at any point one regret about leaving the marriage & POOF I will be the most happy person in the world. Just looking for a little Karma and one second he says to someone he realizes his screw up. Not to be I’m sure. I’m halfway through the PTSD workbook you recommended but not sure it’s helping yet.

  • Pez

    I would work on getting that proof then if that will give you some peace.
    sorry the PTSD workbook is not working for you. are you practicing the recomendations regularly?

  • Debbi

    Pez:
    Sure wish I could get proof but everything is very covert & some things just may not be him–I’m just a little paranoid. I was practicing the recommendations but stopped for awhile & will try to go back. I actually found a trauma counselor. . .it will be a long ride but going to see if that helps. I start tomorrow. Did you see one or did you stick with support groups?

  • Pez

    I did not see a counselor but thought about it. I just dug into books at the library and figured it out myself along with the positive support of my family and friends. they were the ones who were telling me the truth!
    ie you deserve better, why are you putting up with bad behavior, you’re beautiful smart intelligent and have your own business why are you with this man? etc…. what they were saying finally starting to click with me. I had abandonment issues because I lost my mother at 24, had other relationships that failed, and I didn’t want this one to fail yet. it did. so I learned something about me too.

  • Debbi

    Pez:
    My counseling session went well but we spent the first visit just getting her up to speed with everything that I’ve been through in the last 5 years–needless to say we did not get very far. Every statement I made to her, I had to stop and pick her jaw up from the floor & she said what your family said to you “you deserved better”. Ahh. . .if we could only turn back the clock bet you & I would sure have put it in reverse and backed away from these two guys at a high rate of speed!

  • Pez

    Just got home from work. Wouldn’t that be nice to be able to turn back time! I think I would think of a few other things to do to him as well : ) LOL

  • Tracy

    HELP!

    I have been married to AH for 25yrs, asked him not to come back Dec 12 after another 2 week binge with abusive texes/phone calls.

    I have been ok up and down as you all know. AH husband giving me money seeing son coming to his football helping out in my new home as he his a builder, everything ok. He has been texting me that he wants help he is sorry he hates his life and wants help. I gave him a number and stepped back heard this all before. You all know he did nothing with the number and kept drinking and lying. He has been drinking taking cocaine now solid for 8 months. I forgot to say I found out about a 18m affair which he still denies.
    Insists it is just drink well last week his skanky life all came out he had 15 women on his phone two coming down to see him at the same time as he was away with it. Im not too surprised im just hurt that he was trying to get home ans was doing all this behind my back. I knew there would be other women but i was shocked at how many. He has turned into a sleezy pervert. he is trying it on with girls in there 20’s do not know this man. He hit me and started verbally abusing me which he never did in 25yrs. Any advice as I am so low and upset that my husband could do this to me. He hasn’t been in touch for a week not even to see our son. My cousin spoke to him and he said he sounded really depressed. His whole seedy lying life style was exposes last weekend, I seriously have no idea who this person is. I now think he cheated om me for 25yrs.

    Tracy

  • Ross

    Tracy, yours and my situation have similarities.Length of marriage and similar circumstances.And I now feel
    like he had cheated throughout our marriage,as he relapsed many times.I at leastt suspect during the relapses, but one never knowa and it wouldnt surprise me to find out if he did.I’m doing what i can to move on and am feeling better and better about it…HANG IN THERE,i know it hurts, but this too shall pass…

  • Pez

    Tracy, I am sooooo sorry! I know how hurtful this betrayal can be. I wasn’t married to my XAB but I did love him enough to be if he would have gotten sober. Everything that is hidden in the darkness will be brought out into the light. It’s difficult, but now you know the truth of how far this thing has taken him! I wish you and all here strength and love!! After a second betrayal, how could I go back now if he came back. All trust is destroyed, his words of love meant Nothing. This is one thing you must accept, without trust there is no relationship–it is destroyed. And it seems a lot of A’s go this distance of the ultimate betrayal to the destruction of the relationship. It is so sad they are so blinded by the addiction, self-hatred, belligerence, and pride that they take it this far.

    Like JC just said in another post: Step out of the way of the locomotive!! Or it will try to CRUSH you!

  • Tracy

    Hi

    Thanks for you’re support. I know he will be on a down ward spiral now as I was the only good normal solid thing in his life. I knew there would be woman he is a man what I can’t understand is why try and get back to me if he wants drink, drugs and skanky women and they are skanky women I read the texes they sent him, I have more class in my pinkie nail than they have but that is the world he now lives in. He was never sleezy is this the effect of the drinking and drugging or did I live in a bubble? He did have a roving eye he always looked at other women, but not girls young enough to be their daughter’s. He is now telling everyone I cut off his phone so he has no work, I did cut off the phone because I told him no money no work! I am letting everyone know what he has done as I am fed up with him twisting everything to make me look bad. It doesn’t take away the hurt though. I feel stupid as I was feeling sorry for him and he was doing all this behind my back, even though we are apart we are still married but if he did it when we were together he’ll do anything now we are apart. x

  • Pez

    Tracy, my situation was the same left me a classy, attractive lady for a low-life spread her legs for a place to live sleeze. I too have more class in my pinky nail than her. And the second time around he KNEW who she was, but she will enable him!!! allow him to drink and abuse her for a home. It gave me consolation now his family all knows who she is and who he has become–Yes, let everyone know. You have that right to defend yourself! As far as was this who he was or did the alcohol cause it, I don’t know. But, this is who they are NOW and that is what’s important to you! Just because he’s a “man” does not give him the right to cheat and betray you, many men do not choose to do this out of love and empathy for there wife and family. Character!! It’s all about character. I believe alcohol brings out the worst in people who are alcoholics to the point of being downright evil! What does the bible say about evil/Satan (even though I am not a religious fanatic)He is a liar, deceiver, wants to cause you harm, arrogant, bostful towards god, selfish to the very core, etc….I believe addiction is pure evil to the user and those around them.

  • linda

    This is all so true
    The betrayal is so hard to take. In speaking to my a of 33 years. I feel my a is making my life so miserable so. I file for divorce because the a doesn’t want to look like the bad guy. He has said that to me. Braged he would never get caught. Denial he was. Can’t reach him anymore. What happen to my husband,we talked about everything. Now I feel like he hates me. Not sure a third party’s not involve

  • Tracy

    Thanks everyone for you’re kind words.

    just found out he has taken himself off to Spain, this is the 3rd time in the 8 months we have separated. I am very angry tonight as he has given me no money for 3 weeks not seen our son for 3 weeks. I have been dealing with lawyers and the bank while he lives it up in the sunshine. Well sorry everyone but I hope he gets sun stroke and a very bad pint of what ever he is drinking or takes some dodgy drug that puts him on the toilet for a week.

    I know that is cruel as he is very ill but sometimes you just can’t help how you feel and I am sick of the hurt he inflicts on my son.

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