The following is a guest post from one of our readers who is involved with an alcoholic who is regularly criticizing her. As I read about his critical nature, I couldn’t help but reflect on what it was like when I was dealing with a verbally abusive alcoholic. The gradual change from being treated like the most wonderful person in the world to constantly being stepped on like a doormat was so subtle that I eventually found myself getting used to the verbal abuse and accepting the alcoholic’s unacceptable behavior as a way of life. My eyes weren’t really opened to how bad things were until a friend just point blank told me that I wasn’t being treated right and that I deserved better. After hearing that from him, I began to study about abusive relationships and realized that I was in fact being abused by an alcoholic.
Please feel free to leave a comment below the article.
Submitted By: Stacy
I have submitted a few stories about my alcoholic boyfriend. We have been together for almost 3 yrs. I love him so much and I DO NOT want to give up. And, for the most part, we have ironed out one of the worst issues he had, jealousy.
But his constant ridicule, criticism, cut downs of me, my horses, the way I deal with things, are taking their toll. He always says he is “just seeing what I am made of” or “teaching me a lesson”. I have been pretty strong, up to this point, telling myself that it is HIS problem not mine, but I am beginning to feel I am just not good enough for him.
He travels for his work with another guy and I just can’t help but feel its only a matter of time, and since he is very attractive, that he will look for the excitement and a woman who wont “embarrass” him in public by “staring at people” like he claims I do. He is not a bar type or a woman chaser, but he does catch a lot of eyes from the gals. He always says he is just gone to work and he does call me a lot while he is gone, but I feel like I am becoming nothing but something he can pick at.
He is very affectionate and I know he cares a lot for me, but this picking and negativity has got to stop or I need to learn how to handle it differently to get him to stop. His criticizing attitude is definitely worse towards the end of the day after several beers have been downed.
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I was like you.
If he is an alcoholic, you need to find another. I know you love him and it seems shallow on your part to leave him, but his alcoholism is HIS choice. He is probably desperate every time you think of leaving and he does what he can to keep you.
You will have a lifetime of trouble, 100%. Sorry, but that is the nature of the beast.
I wish someone would have told me my own advice.
If you marry him, one day you will look back and regret the chance where you could have passed on marrying him.
Loving him and marrying him are two different things. He will feel your panic and want to get married to keep you.
I am looking at a crystal ball of my past.
This is God’s way of letting you see your future with him.
You need to move on and pray about it.
It is not easy.
PS
You don’t “need to handle” his negativity.
He has already been forming you into the woman he wants.
Ask yourself if this s the man you would have chosen ten years ago if al of this had been known?
Alcoholism is not some annoying habit like chewing with their mouth open.
it ruins everything it touches. Everything
Alcoholics are experts at guilt and not losing what they need to survive.
They are master manipulators.
He will definitely say that people giving you this advice are talking nonsense.
You aren’t Superman and you won’t walk on walter.
Leave. be nice and truthful about it.
In fact, you know the truth, you are just making excuses to believe what you tell yourself.
You know what to do, but are afraid.
my girl is 64 years old she has never grown up or stopped drinking to much ,I recently came home from a working trip and had to push the door hard because she was behind it unconcious ,I looked in the trash and could not believe my eyes as to what she had drank .She is lost as the alcohol is winning ,they need more and more as the effect does not happen ,she has been in hospital for 13 days now and the side effects of a very serious Librium detox ( WITHDRAWAL ) has nearly killed her .its like she has had a stroke ,however she after 13 days is becoming nearly normal and cant rember much .The point i would like to make is ,this has frightened her and I hope so becausé ,personally i cant do this again THIS IS THE END OF THE ROAD xx
Stacy, are you out of your mind??? Re-read the letter you wrote and tell me what you’d say to a woman who puts up with a jealous, self-righteous drunk who spends his time trying to teach her a lesson and tests her over and over and over again to see what she’s made of? Look up the signs and symptoms of an abuser and you’ll see you’ve hit the majority of them with this guy. It’s only a matter of time before it gets worse. Why in the world do you tolerate this? There are about 7 BILLION people in the world, and this is the one you chose? You’re worried that this guy will find someone else who won’t embarrass him and doesn’t stare at people? That in itself, the comment about staring, is what has me up in arms and wanting to shake some sense into you! Don’t keep fooling yourself that this is ever going to get any better. What are you supposed to do – stare at the ground your entire life for fear the jerk BF will think you’re interested in another guy or guys or whoever?? Girl, I was there for 12 freakin’ years with my ex-. Get out now and stay out. There are better, sober, confident MEN out there. You got a boy and he’s never going to grow up. But he’ll have a grand time putting you through hell and dragging you with him while he goes through hell with his bottle in hand. So you don’t want to give up? Great. Now how about you don’t give up on being yourself, rather than worrying about what this drunk thinks of you and how you can prove to him that you’ll be whatever he wants you to be – whatever it takes to pass his little tests to see what you’re made of. *ugh!!* Obviously, he doesn’t think much of who you are now at all, and what he sees, he doesn’t like and is trying to change. If you’ve read anything on this site, you know full well that there’s very rarely a happy ending with a drunk in your life. Please think about this seriously. You’re making a conscious decision to allow this drunk to make your life miserable and insecure. Why would you do that to yourself? You’re in my prayers, because you surely need Divine protection.
Stacy,
Your boyfriend is a jerk! You say you love him and don’t want to give up. Why not? He is bad for you. He makes you feel bad about yourself, which is exactly what he wants, because then you’ll be afraid to leave. He criticizes YOU, things you care about (your horses), how you deal with things, and says you embarrass him. It’s not up to him to “see what you’re made of” or “teach you a lesson.” He’s not God, although it sounds like he thinks he is.
What are you getting from this relationship, Stacy? Mike is right when he says things will only get worse. He will beat you down further and further, until you’re only a shell of who you once were. Don’t let that happen.
Demand that the criticism stop . . . or separate from him. Loving him doesn’t mean you should stay with him. Some people love heroin, but it’s still not good for them. This guy is not good for you.
Put yourself first, Stacy. Take care of YOU, because he won’t.
Please read some books about verbal abuse. This sounds exactly like the relationship I was in for 5 years. We have a son who is not quite 2 and things were not clear to me until I left and started reading what he was doing to me. He would manipulate and use my own words to twist them into something completely different. If I mentioned his drinking it became an even bigger battle of how “I” couldn’t deal with him. I love him and didn’t have the courage to leave for good until our son was a year old. I started thinking that I didn’t want the little guy to think it was ok to treat people the way his father does. Please know that you do deserve better. If he gets help and wants to change then he will. If not it will continue and get worse. I have been there. I wish you the best.
Hi. I can relate. My ex was extremely criticizing of me. I kept telling myself not to believe him because I know I was not any of the things he said I was. Be careful!!! I thought I had myself tricked into believing what he had said to me time and time again over the years had no affect on me. WRONG!! Now that we have gone our separate ways. I still hear that voice in the back of my head saying… blah blah his.. blah blah that and that maybe he was right that noone else will want me and I am just not good enough and that the next love I have will leave me too. I tell myself no, but it’s very hard to to have let it have some sort of mental affect. Take care. I wish you the best.
OMG…You need to sit quietly…reflect on these thoughts of yours….and reconsider your decision to stay with this man. Even if he were NOT an alcoholic, the treatment you are receiving at his hands would be enough to make a woman run screaming into the night. You will never be able to please him…you will be upheld as the reason everything is wrong with HIM. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Oh Stacy,
It has been 3 months now since I finally got the guts up to say, “I’m done” to my boyfriend of almost 24 yrs. The final straw was his getting drunk 2 nights in a row. By the 2nd nite, I found myself standing over him, trying to wake him. After he got loud, obnoxious, slurred, stumbled and drank so much, that he passed out again. For the first time, I wanted to physically hurt him, and I knew I’d had enough. I lived with him briefly a long time ago and moved out because of the drinking. I was not raised in that environment. I think it took losing both my parents and my aunt within the past 1 1/2 yrs., the biggest losses in my life, to get to the point of adding hopefully, the last big loss in my life for a long time, my alcoholic boyfriend. We had been emailing and he asked me to dinner. I told him, I would meet him, if he didn’t drink at the restaurant…well that didn’t sit well and he listed the restaurants he had been to, where they didn’t serve alcohol, but he went…and his point was ?? I don’t think he considers himself an alcoholic, or atleast, has never verbalized if he does. After spending too many years to count, being uncomfortable with Jekyll & Hyde, embarrassed sometimes in front of family and friends with his drinking too much, when no one else is, I realized that his tactics were, “you want me to change, while you haven’t changed, you still don’t drive, do sports (he listed the ones I don’t do). Tit for tat and even if I was perfect and totally athletic, he would have other negativities to say about me. When we first met, it was in a bar, with drink in hand and he was on his second DWI, and his license was suspended. If I knew then what I know now….but I can’t go back and rewind my life. I loved him and I still do. It hurts so much, and I miss him. I am basically all alone where I live. I started going steadily to Alanon, even once a week, when I can and it helps. Sometimes I talk, sometimes I just listen. Stacy, please try Alanon. The people are caring and supportive. I know the grieving is a long process and I have ups and downs. I never thought it would be this painful. I have no regrets that I made the right decision. Years back he called people in AA sheep, well he is the sheep, following the fellow alcoholics off the cliff. He had said too, if he couldn’t control it, he’d quit…not in my lifetime will this happen. I have to face reality and so do you. You deserve so much better. It bothers me that he is probably dating too, meeting new women, new relationship, but then I tell myself, good luck to the next woman.
It has been a month since I left my alcoholic boyfriend, and I will tell you I am having a really hard time.I know I made the right desicion but for some reason I cannot get over him..I am beginning to think something is seriously wrong with me.My life consisted of getting up, working 5 days a week coming home to him either passed out (if I was lucky) or him drunk and ready to fight. In the end of it before I left he was trying to kick me out every time he was drunk then acting like nothing happened when he was sober..the verbal abuse was terrible he told me he can do better than me, that he has had better than me, that my body is o.k..but he has seen better,to im a bitch, freak, blocking me in rooms when I wanted to go out with my friends…apparently he could do as he liked but not me,or treatening to kick me out or telling me if I am going out to pack my shit up first..to calling the cops over nothing and then telling them I did it when I didnt, to getting drunk and sitting outside blaring music so I couldnt sleep, to turning off the electric so my alarm for work wouldnt go off, to hollering, hooting keeping me up,,watching porn while I tried to sleep talking loudly about how hot some woman was..etc..I could go on and on..in the end of it..he pushed me he pushed my son..I called the cops..and put a restraint on him and pressed charges..it was time to leave and I knew it..it was time was before than..but what I just dont understand is why I feel so depressed, so awful, so unloveable,,I feel like I have been shredded apart..I am trying so hard to move on..working on my garden, running,,but I feel so depressed and upset I have to almost force myself to do anything,,all the while he is now off with some other girl,,seems happy and content without so much as a care in the word..it makes me believe I am all the things he said and that no one would want me and I am just nothing..I know its not true..but..do I..I dont know what I am going through I should be happy he is gone…I should be throwing a party..but I just feel lost, lonely, and feel like my life from here seems hopeless…this is ridiculous and I know it..but I cant seem to pull myself out of this…
Amy,I want to give you a hug. You are special. Your boyfriend puts you down, to make himself feel good and take the focus off himself. You wouldn’t want to crawl inside his head, as there is so much denial about his own problems. You should be very lucky that you were able to save your son and yourself, what if the “push” had been fatal.
Mike is so right and so are others who have posted marvelous replies.
You can bet that it will get much worse. If you leave, and then come back for a while, it will pick up where you are right now and get worse.
What does it take for you to leave someone? He is going to physically hurt you because you are going to turn on him and demand respect.
You have it all right now – you are athletic, educated and giving – leave while you are sane and find someone who has humor, is sober and wants to take you on adventures.
I agree with the wisdom in the writings on this page. I understand your need to not lose him. These folks can be pretty neat when they want to be. Unlike regular boring folks, alcoholics can have an exciting side to them. (they know how to push buttons) That is how they play us. Its fun to be played isn’t it? Sure it is. I think you should sit and evaluate your situation. You know you like the side of him you don’t get from anyone else. That side is two edged sword. If he uses his perception/charm to woo you, you can rocket to the sky on a fun Trip. And, contrarily, when he wants to assure himself of ‘the rope’ he has around your neck, all he has to do is let loose a few of them same words in a different way and your bubble is burst. That is his ‘power’ and they like to solidly observe ‘their control’ over you.
To dance with one of ’em (an alcoholic) you will have to Dance all the Way. You haven’t really seen him yet. That is because you haven’t surrendered to really dance with him. You can do it. But, do it with the knowledge that you are going to lose a part of yourself for a little while. And, while you do it, make a mental note to yourself that you are entering a door you intend to exit. You may imagine you are an actress going into a role for a period of time, to follow him wherever he may lead.
The reason you do this is to uncover what he is hiding from you. When you see what is driving him in his interactions with you, at that moment, you will lose interest in him. Yes you will, don’t worry. You may be a bit lost, confused and want to see a mental doctor for a time. You see, the problem is, you ‘think’ he thinks like you do. You think his ‘motivations’ are the same as yours. Welcome to a New World. There are Aliens on Earth, but they aren’t from another planet. But they may as well be for ‘that is how different’ he is from you. O yea not kidding. You will blow your mind if you realize where ‘he is really coming from.’ Nope he will not easily let you see it. If you were to ask me what the real place is they come from, sadly in all honesty I would tell you something like this.
Usually they are somewhere between 5 and 6 years old. I’m not kidding. I know the outside looks like he is 30 or 40 or 50 but they aren’t. Not inside themselves. If you could imagine where a 5 year old is coming from with their ‘logic’ you are pretty close to where he is coming from. There is no way this is comfortable because you have someone with a depth of personality, development of social and spiritual aspects, that really is stunted from a grade school timeframe. (maybe its some form of trauma). Plus an ability to ‘act’ like he is older. Combine the two and you don’t have sanity. And, you will realize you won’t be able to love him, not as a lover.
See, really, he is targeting your mothering side. We women can be played like that because we really do have a form of mothering instinct. He is gorgeous, about 5 years old internally and a great actor. Children are the best manipulators because they have no restraint of conscience. Because they haven’t developed one yet, so they use ‘everything at their disposal’ to get the mom and dad to tend them. Its a human survival instinct and we need it, when we are kids.
Go and dance with him. Be whatever he wants you to be for a time and try to get into his head. Ask him ‘where he is coming from’ and let him do all the talking and listen to all the logic he has in his repertoire. Enter His world truly and when ‘you feel the electric shock’ pull back immediately and take a pause. A long pause and compare him to ‘you’. You will see something that may freak you out. You will become Aware of the vast difference between the two of you. A lot of their shadowing and diversion acts usually are to hide this fact. An Alcholic needs one thing, to be in a Mental Home or to have a Single Person with Highly evolved skills in Psychology/Psychotherapy and a good prayer life to focus a great deal of their time onto them. An Alcoholic is a broken human being, one broken past the Normal brokenness which is repairable by more moderate therapy. They really are so Broken that ‘not in this life’ are they able to be with another person. They may be able to if they come to a realization of their need for God and a need to work it out (for themselves). Most aren’t. You are not a Ph.D. in Counseling are you? Best Wishes.
I wished to add one more thing to my comment. We dismiss the spiritual side of ourselves. That is the part that is active when you say ‘it feels wrong to my gut.’ Ever have your tummy suddenly ‘hurt’ in a circumstance around folks? This is a spiritual event. Someone has touched at you spiritually in a way ‘that your Warning signs’ are going off. WE aren’t taught about spirituality are we? Your mom and dad probably never told you that ‘things you sense’ that you can’t explain are a part of your spiritual faculties. Well, here is the best thing about USA. You aren’t taught ever about how to use your spiritual instincts and because of this people can take advantage of you. People who hae developed their spiritual side or people who have a more natural instinct to trust that side of themselves.
Children and alcholics both use their spiritual side to affect you. Do you notice how you ‘feel so good’ at times around them? They are feeding you energy. They are doing that because when the energy is withdrawn suddenly all you will notice is that ‘you feel off kilter or bad.’ No one ever taught you to notice your spiritual side right? Because all you hear is you go to Church and pray and that is spiritual. Out here in the modern world, a great deal of what we do is spiritual without the need to be praying in Church.
If you want to be able to see what is happening with an alcoholic, you will have to learn to answer the question ‘what is my spiritual side?’ They use their spiritual side to manipulate you. Nope, it is not your hands, that is your physical body. If I strike you with my hand, I have made a physical act. Nope, it is not their mind. If I put my thoughts together and think a very strong negative or hate thought at you, it may or may not result in a spiritual action. We really do have an invisible side to us that is affected by your mind, by your will or intent, it is driven by how much energy you have at any given time (physically exhausted or not, mentally exhausted or not).
Sadly, you will not prosper as much in this life until you learn what your spiritual side is. Once you realize it is not ‘praying in church to God’ but that is a part of it. Once you realize it is that ‘feeling you can’t explain’, it is that ‘wierd way an object keeps falling out of your hands or flying across the table’ (when your energies are out of sort), or ‘the high feeling’ you get from others. You will realize. LIfe is not fair for people who do not wake up and realize they have a spiritual side. Some folks are well aware of it and they use it. I notice alcoholics are very aware of this side of their life.
Stacy,
I’m sorry you are having to go through this. Please go to Alanon.
There are two people in your boyfriend. If your like me, you never know which one is the real one. You can go thru this painful separation or you can wait 5,10,15 or 20 years like I have and go through it then, probably with children, like I am having to do. I would assume you are younger than I and have some very good years of tough left to live. I entered my relationship clueless about alcohol and ever so slowly lose any self esteem I had. Finally she left me and our children because she quite drinking, and is now so unhappy because she can’t drink that she’s left her famy and husband. She always put me down, I couldn’t make enough money. Etc… There are good men out there that would honor and appreciate you. Beauty is only skin deep, my wife is beautiful on the outside and the beautiful person in the inside has been taken hostage by the subtle evil disease of alcoholism . It’s a tragedy. I have tried everything known to mankind to lead her towards happiness. And I’m an excellent problem solver. But this has beaten me. I’ve ended up with no self esteem, I don’t know how to take care of myself or even what I want anymore. Because my mind and actions have been focused on her for all these years. Only God can fix her and WE have to trust him enough to let him while we try to find joy in living again. As a father, I would tell you, please sweetheart, you can’t help him, no matter how much you think you with gods help think you can make this story different, it is not possible. You are getting ready to sacrifice the rest of you life to maintain that you have not made a mistake by falling in love with him. If you make this choice you are in for a life of chaos and drama , confusion and lots of depression. Please don’t do this throw away a chance to be honored and cherished. God has an honorable man for you. Be sting now, be strong.
I’ve used this verse as a check list: love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast it is not proud, it is not rude or self seeking. Does he love you like you love him?.
Omg. All of the following statements are so true.
I also find myself struggling every day. Some days are more of a struggle than others. But I have some memories that I can’t seem to let go of. It has been 8 months since I have seen or heard from the ex-ABF.
I know that I have made the right decision but the daily struggle really pisses me off.
My life would’ve been destroyed along with my job and family and friends.
So why is this freak constantly on my mind.
He was verbally abusive with me and when the physical abuse started I knew it was time to run. But of course he blames me.
One of my friends intervened or interfered or a combo of both and called his mother to tell her what was happening and when he found out, he told me to get lost.
His mother is an alcoholic also and is his co-dependant or rather they co-depend on each other and that was a total threat to him. So we basically dumped each other. Which was a good thing. But of course he blames me and degrades me to mutual friends.
So why is it that I want to hurt him back. That is not a normal feeling.
I haveade an appointment to speak with an addiction counsellor as I fear that maybe I am not normal also.
Your comments would be appreciated.
Thands
Your letter reminds me of when I was married. He was embarrassed to be seen with me in public. He didn’t like the clothes I wore. I was always walking on egg shells. He was incredibly handsome. Great liar. He could reel me in when I would try and swim away. I lost thirty pounds but that wasn’t enough. My cooking stunk. According to him, I was not good at anything. As I was leaving him he said that I was a wonderful wife. That is all I needed. I left. I went through a withdrawal/depression yucky phase but at the same time I was able to just relax and be myself and do what a wanted to do. I didn’t have to iron his cammies, cook breakfast, lunch, dinner/clean and work and go to school. I didn’t have to put up with his drug or alcohol addiction. I could just take care of myself. The weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. I was free to be me.
If I don’t find love, it is okay. I am learning to love myself more and more. My question to you is — wouldn’t it be great to be with someone who loves to go out in public with you? Is proud of you? Someone you can relax and be yourself around? Someone who talks highly about you? Someone who is sober?
Please go to Alanon if this is a codependent relationship. If you are addicted to this man please go to SLAA, SA, SCA or if it is Love Addiction – please read books by Pia Mellody and Susan Peabody – there are also meetings for love addiction. The best thing would be for you to go to an addiction counselor. The doctor could prescribe the best medicine for you in dealing with an alcoholic. It is okay to be happy and loved.
Stacy:
I saw your previous posts and noticed how strong you were & this post tells me you are slipping into his world. Do what Deb suggests & study him and let yourself with your eyes wide open see what is going on with him. Those of us that have left the A tell you the suffering & depression we feel but don’t let that deter you–we are slowly realizing that our lives are getting better once we have left. In my case it was a husband of 15 years but your story could be my story–he would borrow my car and tell me that when he drove my car men were looking in to see who was driving, insinuating I have a car that generally women drive & I’m using it to meet others. I got accused constantly of having affairs with people I worked with. This is A BUTTON he created to keep you in the relationship by you constantly having to defend yourself (an A or a 5 or 6 year old tactic–both emotionally stunted individuals). Secondly, I had a horse–guess what, he overfed her and caused laminitis she could not survive from. While I was in the barn the final evening in 20 degree weather trying desperately to ease her pain I got frostbite in my fingers. I came in & asked for help from him–what happened? He raised a beer to his lips and said “what do you want me to do about it?” Something in me snapped at that moment because I realized he had caused everything to slowly be destroyed in my life little by little. If you love your animals don’t let it get to the point it got with me. I just had to put my last horse down–his, the one he could not be bothered with & I could not find it a home–My depression is so deep over this only someone who has a horse can understand this. Teach yourself to step back from him one step at a time. Wait 3 seconds before you ever respond to anything he says & start to analyze it and you will see his manipulation much clearer. I don’t know if you are living with him or vice versa but start a plan to leave. I know you love him & so first you need to open your eyes like I did & really watch & hear what he is saying. Try to take the emotion out of it & really listen & you will come to the realization most of us that left have come to. You are at the point when it is the most hard because your brain is now telling your heart this is not right & wants you to do what you have to protect your heart & soul. He is pushing your buttons & remember he created those f**ng buttons. You can do this–baby steps, open your eyes & ears & really see his behavior. It will be tough to leave & gets tougher when you first leave because you will question yourself. But it will get easier. I lost 2 horses, contact with my son, contact with my sister, almost my life 2 times before I understood he was behind it all very cunningly & sneakingly. I have faith in you–you are a horse woman & you know the value of patience & love in order to be able to care for a horse–Care for yourself now in that same manner! I’m cheering you on. When you are ready to make your move, you’ll know it but at least be aware while you are making your decision of what to do–understand what he is doing to you & why. Start keeping more of physical distance from him and slowly a more emotional distance from him. Do not argue with him, just hear him & get more information of what he is doing & it will suddenly come clear to you just like it did to me.
Hi Amy, It’s only been a month! Hun, your in the beginning of the pain. The pain of having to leave someone you loved. Stick with it and don’t go back! I know, it’s exceedingly painful at your early stage of leaving. You WILL get through the pain. It may take a year or more to heal, figure your thoughts out, his manipulation of you, etc….But the further you get away the better it gets. It’s HARD work! Tell yourself the truth!, unravel the lies! Deb is right, “we make the mistake of believing they are like us” THEY ARE NOT! Alcoholics are coming from a different place alien to Us. Start to take your mind off him anyway you can. Read, listen to music or audio CD’s,–any way you can think of to “punch holes” in the continuous recording in your mind. The more holes punched, the less the movie will play. Fight for your sanity, your mind back, your life back!
I am on my break at work right now. I have read half your all’s comments and have SO much to say! I appreciate EVERYONES caring comments and will get back on my lunch time! 🙂
Why is it that I want to hurt him back, its not normal. Mentioned above in one of the posts. The reason I see in myself is that ‘with wholehearted good intentions’ I approach the alcoholic. With an open heart and ‘what is my normal manner’ of interacting in life, I go to work and in that same normal way I interact with my alcoholic.
Out of no where he targets the most vulnerable parts in me, the parts in me that I like the most. The parts that comfort me daily and give me strength. If I wear a bracelet that empowers me, out of nowhere he will sense this (spiritually) and will say the most hurtful things, things that I would have to spend a couple week to come up with. The comments are that hateful, that dark, that clever and that targeting. And, the alcoholic seems to be able to pull this out of nowhere ‘as if by magic.’ If only we could harness this against our enemies during a battle, we would have a new form of Army. They would decimate our enemy soldiers if only we could find a way to keep them focused on using on the enemy.
The alcoholic truly injures us. It is not a joke what they do. They truly lay to waste our innermost parts. You rebuild daily and weekly only to begin to feel as if you are ill. You begin to feel that ‘there is something wrong with you’ because of the constant rebuilding the constant rehealing. It happens so often that pretty soon you forget what Normal is. You forget that life was not this way before they entered your life. WE do have to heal ourselves over and over and over again.
I am only observing. I don’t have an answer but I thought I would share my ‘watching.’
One time I let a person I thought was a nice guy live in my living room for a brief time to get back on his feet. He lost his apartment and was in process of getting a job, just needed some time to get himself on his feet. One moment stands in my memory which I still contemplate. My life is not perfect but of course during this time, to him my life would have seemed ‘all together’. Instead of a rational response of ‘gratitude’ for my kindness, it appears that his ‘seeing’ how ‘together my life was’ inspired a reaction in him of jealousy that grew very fast to anger. But it was a hidden anger and a ‘entitlement’ suddenly. He felt ‘entitled’ to my money, my car, anything of mine now he felt ‘he had a right to’ because..of some reason I will never know.
I was willing to share my home, my tv, ac and food but not my car. Was willing to temporarily let him shelter. I observed underneath the veneer was a man who was depressed. For whatever variety of things that happened in his life till then, was a low level depression. I am sure he appreciated my help but this small ‘twig’ inside him grew. This person began to feel I did not deserve my life, my job. Being that ‘in the observations of daily life’ I was so ‘very less than him.’ It was a slow progression of changes in this fella. Finally, he felt I should ‘be in suffering and pain and angst’ as he was. That I had no right to my fairly cheerful disposition so a ‘journey was embarked’ to take me out.
All this he did (it took time for me to put it together after I observed him). Until one day driving him, he nearly jerked the steering wheel into oncoming traffic when I would not give him money (he felt I owed him). (he was a chauvinist). At that time I put him out drove him to a friend’s house never let him back in and got him the rest of his stuff.
It is the same basic ‘form of action’ that the Alcoholic is following. I just am not able to put it together. It is also why we ‘hate them’ and get ‘so angry’ and get ‘so obsessed with them.’ What they are doing is Targeting this response in us. I want you to realize, they ‘are Actively Consciously’ electing to ‘try’ to hurt us. They Actively consciously want to do enough harm to us that ‘it leaves a mark.’ That is another thing Alien about them. Who does this? In what World does it assist you ‘to hurt your friends?’ IN what Universe do you ‘gain’ by ‘biting the hand that feeds you?’ But it is Precisely what they do. You aren’t imagining it. You have found someone who is Purposely trying to destroy you life. It is insane because likely you are the only ray of hope in their life, the only kindness that they have. And, we all hold onto them too long because no where in our sane mind do we ‘catch on’ that a person can function like this.
I’ve come to the conclusion that they really are better off if you leave them alone. Alcoholics have a happier life if you avoid them, let them live in a hole of an apartment and drink their life away. WE make them miserable. WE do. OUR sanity our happiness, our lives that come together with some semblance of beauty. This hurts them and they in turn hurt us back because we are hurting them. Why don’t I send my alcoholic away. Honestly, do we not sort of enjoy the act of ‘hurting them?’ WE do . They have hurt us so much we have to acknowledge one reason we hold on to them ‘is to get even.’ I do it every day. I get even. I am admitting it. I haven’t denied it. I write all the time about how I ‘do things’ on purpose. I also am angry and hurt. Just sharin’
That is one revelation I did not see until people started pointing it out to me. He was hurting me on purpose! It took awhile to sink in cause it made no scense to someone like me. why the He@3 would you intentionally hurt the only person who has stuck by your side, had loved you sooo deeply. DOES NOT COMPUTE. But they were right. I think our lives are a conviction of what they know is the right way to live so they hurt us. It’s F’d up! Years of pain, blackouts, abuse, insane behavior,–then when you give them an ultimatum they jump to another woman just to hurt you (when you thought they loved you) The one last knife in the heart. I had to get away. I did not stay. That pain was too great! I cut him off completely! He burned the bridge for me. I have heard it said, “the best revenge is a happy life” And that is what I intend to do! I don’t hate him. But my last words to him was “I Pity you”. They know what they have done and they have to live with it. God help them. What a horrible way to be to others. I don’t want it, I don’t deserve it, AND NEITHER DO ANY OF YOU!!!!!
Deb: It is normal to want to hurt him back because you have taken that hurt from him repeatedly. He is able to get to you because of those “buttons he installed”. We have to re-wire our brain to let the comments just pass over–difficult to say the least. I believe jealousy is a motivator behind a lot of A’s as you mentioned and they seem to be able to wage a war against us whether intoxicated or not–it amazes me. I kept telling myself before I left my A: Don’t retreat, re-load, pull the knife out of your back & get back into the game but with a new mindset not to be hurt. We are human and we all fall into some of these behaviors but most of us immediately recognize when we hurt someone & because we have EMPATHY, we usually immediately apologize and make amends–they do not.
Pez: I know that final “knife in the back” when they finally move on to someone else & to add fuel to the fire they tell & show all how much better this one is to try & further point out it was our fault. You are lucky in 2 ways–others saw some of how he was treating you (mine did it all behind closed doors so I looked like the “crazy” one). You are also very lucky to get to the point where you pity him & now on to a better life–I can’t wait until my brain finally gets to that stage!
My thoughts are with you both.
yes Debbie I do feel fortunate in those 2 to respects. it took a lot of hard work especially in the beginning to start changing my mind through research, interrupting the constant thought patterns until it had little power over me, listening to what my friends and family were telling me and accepting it. 3 years and a second chance to realize he wasn’t going to change. It still hurts though his cruelty. I am glad his family has now seeing who he is and have backed away from him. he really needs an encounter with God. I have realized there’s absolutely nothing I can do or anyone else can do at this point. you will get there Debbie I promise. I still have a ways to go.
I am reading everything everyone writes and letting it sink in, I am beginning to watch everything he is even doing now and seeing through it. For example this is a small town and I only come over here for work so IRONICALLY he is now bringing his son that he never did anything with before to town may I add the MINUTE I get done work to do things like fishing off the wharf..etc…things he had all day to do with him but chooses to do the minute I get done work…for a bit it worked I thought jeez he must be happier and getting his life back together and not drinking either if he is out doing all this stuff with his son…then I stopped and thought no one that drank and acted the way he did wakes up one day with no help and is transformed into something better because I left..he always told me when he was drunk that if I left he would never drink again and his life would be better…then I also thought this is what he wants me to think..that his life is better he has ALL day while I am at work to do things with his son but chooses to wait until I am done work to bring him in town like 4 minutes after I get done work to do things with him..I am beginning to realize he wants me to think things are great, better with him,,he wants me to think it was all me and blame myself..so I just zip right back over to Canada and leave him to whatever it is he is doing..he also ironically takes RIDES on my dinner breaks..I guess he has a need to be in town everyday the same exact time I go to dinner…I wish he would just go away and stop with what I am beginning to think are just games..
Amy:
You’re absolutely right in your thinking–you are really starting to see the tactics of manipulation they go to.
I have a strange one for you & see what you think. In May I literally cut off all ways for ex to contact me (phone went off, cell phone off, email changed). . .so May I get mail under my old married name & it is a church brochure about sinning, June I get an email to my new email address from a woman I don’t know calling me a “k**t, w**re, & on & on. June one of my humming bird feeders goes missing & the shutter was pulled off my shed. Last week I set up 6 markers with crosses on side yard to honor all 6 of the animals I have lost. Each one had their collar or bridle hanging from it. Last night all secure & this AM I notice the one dog’s one was missing collar & little ceramic pull chain attached & the cross is smashed but repairable. Funny though it always happens on Sunday very early in AM. Everything is fine all week and every so often on a Sunday (he’s off on Sundays) I wake up to something broken, missing or moved. At first I thought a raccoon but why only on Sundays? Does this raccoon have a calendar or only has weekend visits with relative in my neighborhood–I believe my raccoon has 2 legs, walks upright and is a manipulator. Never enough to call police but just to aggravate me. What do you think?
OMG Debbie, Ya gotta see the comedy in some of this! Not that it’s funny, the destruction of your beloved pets things, but REALLY. I have come to believe He (my XA) has not just betrayed me, but himself as well! Every time he does something like this Debbie know that he is betraying his innermost self, and see how ridiculous it is! (And immature I might add). They are pathetic (I love that word!).
Pez:
Yes, my humming bird feeder & the marker are replaceable but actually had me laughing as I posted about it but the sad, sad thing is I’m not sure it is him doing it. But this stuff is sure driving me crazy. In my 13 years at this place this stuff never happened & I do now have my 2 cats outside but please–no way they can carry off a big red bottle-type humming bird feeder & I have searched the entire area. If I could be sure it was him (I need money for a security camera) then I would be laughing my head off but as it is, I’m not sure and still not sure why he would do this–all I heard before he left was him on the phone with another woman saying how much he loved her and on the phone with friends telling them how wonderful she is, so would he really come back like this? Strange–one time was confirmed because he broke in but it is bizarre, everytime I try to change the property to the way I like it, adding outside ornaments or I cleaned up the bricks on patio and within a week & you guessed on a Sunday 3 of them pulled out of the ground & overturned–no way can my cats do that & no way would a raccon do that–but my all time favorite was when I came home on a Tuesday (I guess he wasn’t looking at the calendar) and I found his horse released & the gate closed & locked. Now maybe the horse got loose but I’ve never know a horse to shut & lock the gate behind him after being set free. I really need my proof because I’m starting to think I’m crazy.
Thats so easy to see through Debbi..lol…its sad what he is doing and I am glad I am living in Canada so I dont have to go through any of that..just like today I KNOW he is drinking…nowhere around equals he is off somewhere drunk…after awhile they sorta get boring and predictable to be honest.I really dont even see the point of it or what they think they are gaining from any of it to be honest..if I was you I would make sure I either stayed up late Saturday night or got up early Saturday morning..the look on his face is he was caught in the act would be priceless…lol
It’s him. No doubt. And they say “I love you” soooo easily to rope the other girl in quickly before she see’s too much! Mine told me, “I love you & I will never let your go” many times; “You are loved” “your are the love of my life” Like just saying these things should be enough for me to stay with a mean drunk–I should be sooo grateful I’m loved by you. Believe me, he loves alcohol MORE! Like mine did and proved. I would get a camera that records though, in case you have to have it for the police. Hope he would not harm your cats.
Mine did that too Pez ..I love you, I know we will end up married saying ALL the things a woman wants too hear…like you said the only thing they love is alcohol..they do rope you in quick and hook you before you see what we all now see..looking back now in the beginning I tried to FIX him over and over, get him help, talk to him ..it seems when I just gave up after seeing these hopeless half assed attempts at a.a., then just drinking again over and over…(I think he just went to appease me).. I myself seen things were not going to get better or change and no matter what he was just going to drink it took me awhile but after 100 times of seeing it over and over I got it…thats when the monster appeared one bigger than the one I thought I had seen…he seemed to get more drunk and had the craziest rage I had ever seen…it almost seemed he was mad he wasnt getting attention and no one was trying to fix him anymore.because I just gave up!.so it seemed in an attempt to keep the level of chaos up he just raged around drunk ALL the time..crazy!!
Pez, I can relate to your post. Mine has said those thing to me also. I HAD LEFT FOR A YEAR AND CAME BACK. something MUST BE WRONG WITH ME. kicking MYSELF. I FEEL for those words.his Jecal Hyde behavior is enough to drive me crazy. I believe that is what he wants to do.
Nothing is wrong with you Linda. I gave mine a second chance too and he did the same thing. You want to believe, hope they learned their lesson. Unfortunately, you will have to leave again and cut all contact and go through the pain again. As long as they can “get by” and still drink they will. The only word they understand is NO, GO AWAY. I’m sooo sorry.
expanding on that, I found that even if I did not enable him by buying or taking him to get alcohol, did not do Sex when he was drunk, Stayed home, even with that me just being there for him enabled him. ie he saw it as I was staying and putting up with it so, “it couldn’t be that bad”. Honestly, they need an encounter with their Higher Power, extreme consequences that are so damaging as to instill FEAR in them, rejection from friends and family, etc…. for them to reach their bottom, and some still die of the disease.
I have been trying to figure out as well, how I enabled my boyfriend when we were together. I never bought him alcohol, or had to pay his bills. But I finally got it, that I enabled him by just my being there while he drank. A friend of his years ago told me that he loved me more than his other girlfriends, because I was always there for him…that was love and also a big mistake. Maybe I could have gone to another room, but that wouldn’t have clicked in his mind either. We broke up many times over the years. I have been keeping myself busy, had my brother as company the past couple of weeks visiting and a friend of mine. I go to work full time. Keep busy with the gym a couple of nights a week and yoga now on Sunday. But I find I am not doing better, I am doing worse. This weekend was so rough. Can’t stop thinking about him…It does bother me that my ex boyfriend probably has met someone new who is very athletic, where I am not and will not have issue with his drinking. The denial from alcohol goes so deep, that I have seen a friend of mine lose her husband to cancer many years ago at 41. It was due to alcohol and smoking and refusing life saving surgery. When I visited him in the hospital, he said to me, “can you believe they think I am an alcoholic?” They had put him on meds so he wouldn’t have withdrawal. His denial was that deep and he was dying from this. I have a friend now, whose husband has dementia, went for 3 medical opinions and all the doctors said he has to stop drinking now, or it will speed up his dementia. He is only 62 and a behind closed door alcoholic. My girlfriend finds hidden water bottles in the house when she opens them, they smell of booze. His dementia may also be due to chemicals he works with, but the alcohol, if it wasn’t the only factor is certainly killing off his brain cells quicker. Her father I found out was also an alcoholic. I however did not grow up with this. I wish there would be a miracle, that my ex would hit bottom, get help……but I can’t see him ever going to AA, as I try to go to Alanon and keep reading what I can. There will always be people in his life who will drink right along with him and I wonder too if I have been the only one in his life who had issues with his drinking or mentioned it to him…could that be ? If so, then if probably does appear to him that I have a problem. When you see people losing spouses and children over alcohol, losing jobs. I feel there are only a handful of alcoholics who seek help. Do others feel that way too ? Curious of anyone has a loved one who has gotten sober and stayed sober ? I would also welcome any input on how to get passed this. I lost my parents, a year apart. It will be one year for my mom and two years for my dad this September. I am still grieving their loss and my aunt between the two. But this loss of my boyfriend, it’s different and hurts in such a different way. When will the hurting stop ? When will I stop checking emails to see if he contacts me or calls ? It has been 3 months…Maybe I have too much grieving going on in my life, but can’t change the losses.
Just wanted to add,my friend’s husband who has dementia has said he won’t stop drinking and when another friend mentioned Alanon to her, she said her husband wouldn’t like it if she went….seriously, why should she care if he doesn’t care how killing himself slowly is effecting her.
Pez & Bevy, stay strong and focus on taking care of you. Stop letting the drunks in your lives take up space in your heads. You’re going to have good days, so-so days and really crummy days. But eventually the good days will outnumber the others. Use the time to work on figuring out how not to get involved with an addict again. The sad fact is, only 15-25 percent of drunks ever seek treatment. That leaves an awful lot of drunks who’ll never make a move to get better, who are out in the world inflicting damage wherever they go.
Bevy, grief doesn’t run on a schedule. It’s normal and natural. Just know that it will eventually ease up and things will seem better. Be patient with yourself until they do.
The Drunk is not in my life anymore. I am just sharing and helping where I am at in this progression. So what is your story Sally–12 years and it ended. How long did it take you to work through it?
Sally,
Thank you so much. I am trying to focus on myself, and getting healthier. But it’s a struggle when I really feel depressed. Those are very sad statistics. I do believe my ex’s drinking did interfere in his other relationships before me and will again. That is his problem. I think of the bad times in my head, when I start missing him. I am grateful that I don’t have to hear his sarcasm, and be around the drunk behavior any more. That is a gift I have given myself. There was a point that I tried to accept the drinking, because of my love for him and he is a really good person. Different, very different but a good man. I’m sure the day will come when I will wish him happiness when I think of him…but that may not happen for a long time.
Good morning to all
All the words that have been written are all so true. As women we want to be loved and hear the words”I love you. I fell for that also from the exABF. But he also warned me that I would eventually leave him like all the rest of the women in his did. Hmmm,gee-wheeze that should have been a red flag for me. Although I struggle day to day I constantly remind myself that I do have peace and quiet and serenity in my life and for that I’m truly grateful. He has friends in the complex where I live and was here a week ago and just seeing him put me off the emotional edge but only for a few days. He jusy comes here to get whatever drugs he can. He doesn’t stay long but it is too long for me.
We have not dp
Sorry I pressed the wrong button.
We have not spoken in months and that is a good thing. But I know that when he comes here he is hoping that I see him or that someone will tell me that he was here.
This my personal space and I get all bent out of shape when my personal space is invaded.
I just want him to stay in his hell hole of an apt where he lives and stay away from my turf.
His kind does not belong here.
Pez, He is going to AA meeting ,don’t see him using . he is cross addicted. His action don’t match his words. The problem is he admitted to emotional affair with female boss. I see only anger from him when trying to discuss my feeling. I believe he is also Narcissism. Trying to make sense out of what I see and what he says. Just does not match. Need to have some answers. He can’t wait to go to work. words say the opposite. very confusing Linda
If his actions do not match his words don’t bother! He’s not convinced yet. If he is angry when you discuss your feelings–DIDO! This article is complex but explains alcoholics and the affects on brain function including Narcissism and Anti-Social behavior. If they have been drinking a long time, these effects could be permanent or in need of ongoing counseling if they got sober. Do you want to deal with this all your life? I saved this report cause it’s packed with info to remind ourselves.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcoholism
Hi Girls!
You are all so right from the way they act, the way they think and damage to the brain that can cause narcissistic, anti-social behavior & the like. Others have mentioned liver & heart failure & neuropathy & necrosis.
You all have one thing I wish I could have–someone else saw their behavior & you saw them drunk. Mine was a closet drinker, no one would believe me & instead believed Mr. Wonderful. I too find it hard in leaving and grief takes its toll. So we are all in this together & even when you leave it takes years to completely get over what all was done to you & those “mind movies” keep playing for quite awhile.
I got home last night and found the cat locked in the barn–did he strike again? I have decided it’s time to “Fight Fire With Fire”–so tell me if I’m wrong & I should not do this:
1-I believe mine keeps coming back on the property & making little things disappear so I have decided to set some bobby traps for the man & placed some “nice” items in the yard visible from the street–It’s time he gets caught if it is him.
2-The last 3 months it appears he is giving women my old email address as his & they contact my old email just mundane things but I decided to put an automatic response on this email account so all future incoming emails will be given an earful right down to the truck he drives & his favorite street corner for picking up the Pros***tes.
Okay, If I need talked down from my tree-please say so! I’m just so angry anymore for him blackening my name & bailing on me during my health crisis leaving me without insurance I feel a little payback is necessary. What do you all think?
I say go for it if it’s harmless and doesn’t hurt anyone and you won’t feel any guilt. the first time my xa jump to that womanI tore up a cherry tree I bought for his house, took things on the back patio that were mine, and smashed all the roses he gave me on the front porch. I don’t feel guilty whatsoever he deserved it and I did not damage is property. I felt better. sometimes they need to taste of their own medicine.
I know some of you will disagree. but I’m glad I did it. he was not going to enjoy that cherry tree with a new woman.
Today I have this need for more answer. Don’t know were to get them without looking like the crazy person. Too many unanswer question. His answers just don’t add up to what I see in action.
Just want to say to “Deb” that your comments are SPOT ON. I have only tangential relations with an alcoholic but my experience resembles yours to a T. very helpful, thanks.
Pez: good girl I threw out my wedding photos the day I saw the escort charges on his credit card!
Linda: You’re not crazy for wanting more answers–I still am in that same mindset–Heck I never even saw my exA drunk. Make a list of how you can get your answers (some of us surfed the internet & read books). Make a list of who you can ask (people you know, he knows or counselors or support groups). Or ask them here–between everyone here we’ve probably seen about everything! Ask away!
I believe he’s still evolve with his female boss. She was to important to him.brag about her to people. Son was was faxing from the office. Tried to tell her husband twice. Afraid of making ass out of myself .or have hasment change. I look like the crazy person. He is emotionally attached to her. I can’t stand living like his opposition.everything he does he act like he’s doing me a big favor. He can just walk away from me when I’m feeling this way.can’t give me the answer I need.what he says just doesn’t add up
to what I see.
Linda:
I can see your distress. I think it might help if you put some distance between you and him until your emotions calm down. There are several good articles here on detaching. If you’re still living together you can still detach. I have been there and it feels like your emotions, feelings & assumptions are going all over the place & you can’t think straight. It tends to make us think we’re crazy. I did something I called the 3 second or 24 hour wait time. I initiated no conversations with him and if I had to interact I waited 3 seconds to calm myself and decide if I even needed to answer & if so how, usually very objectively with something like “oh ok” or “sorry you think that” and I would walk away to not let my emotions carry me all over the place. Detaching. My 24 hour was when I found something out & I just KNEW I HAD TO TALK TO HIM RIGHT NOW, I forced myself to wait 24 hours. I got so good at this one that the house could have caught fire and maybe I would let him know 24 hours later or discover it for himself. These 2 things helped me get my emotions back under control, detach & he saw me not being bothered by anything & then that’s when the crazy show starts–be prepared. If you do this right now he will realize you don’t care and he’ll start pushing more of your buttons but think & react slow. I know you can do this, you have to or your emotions will take you to places you don’t want to be. Make a game out it & count how many times a day you achieve this & try to break a new record every day. Hang in there. . .my thoughts are with you.