JC: Amy, I’m sure you are exhausted with this situation. What are you planning on doing? The alcoholic is not going to stop making a mess of your life. If you decide to stay in this situation, the messes are actually going to get worse in every way. If you can’t participate in Al-anon, stay connected here and also get these lessons on Coping With An Alcoholic, do it NOW! Also, today, do something nice for yourself and children. Try to separate your mind, body and emotions from the alcoholic as much as you can. Get away from the insanity and enjoy life for a day. I’m sure our readers will respond to your request for encouragement in the comments section below this article.
Guest Post By: Amy
I’m at a point here, I just don’t know what to do. I came home yesterday to my boyfriend once again drunk. As I sit here, 10 in the morning, he is still passed out. He drinks a half gallon every other day. The house is a mess, brandy all over the floor.
He went so far as to call 911 last night then when the cops arrived he said I did it. The officer clearly could see he was drunk, asked him if he would like him to come back Friday to see if he couldn’t get him some help. The cop got him crying, then when he left he passed out till 12.
When he woke up, he decided it would be a good idea to come in the bedroom and haul all the bedding off of me and take it. I did get mad and yanked the whole thing back, he was so drunk he flipped on the floor and barely moved. I know I shouldn’t of… but I had just had enough at that point.
I have one child full of anger and one who is failing in School. It’s sorta hard to do homework when someone is hollering, meowing like a cat, turning the electricity on and off and waking up randomly during the night blaring the television. These kids nor I can get any sleep. This house is a disaster, there is so much alcohol on the floor you stick to it, and it can stay that way.
I am tired of cleaning his messes and being the only responsible person around here. I don’t even know how to act or what to do half the time. I second guess myself, should I do it all, should I clean this mess. I am lost there are no Al-anon meetings around here, not ONE.
I know I am as sick as he is. I would have to be to stay here and deal with this insanity over and over again. I am just completely lost today. I don’t even know what to say or how to act when he wakes up. Part of me wants to scream and holler, another part of me wants to just act as if he doesn’t even exist. I just could really use some encouraging words…something from someone today before I completely loose my mind!
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Amy, I’m sorry to hear you are having a tough day. You can’t make sense of the insanity. What about calling him and telling him that you love him, but tell him not come over and wake you up in the middle of the night. He may not listen to you, but at least you set a boundary. If he shows up, you can tell him you told him not to come over here and disturb you and the kids in the middle of the night. You may consider locking him out, calling the police or letting him sleep on the couch. Just refuse to argue with him, no matter what. Act like you are asleep if he comes over, ignore him.
Amy,
I have been through the same thing with my AH coming home 3 or 4 am and waking everyone. The best thing you can do is lock him out. It’s amazing how hard it is for them to put a key in the lock when they are to drunk to even stand up. At one point I took the house keys off the key ring and he couldn’t figure out how he could have lost the keys off the ring. If your bedroom door locks, lock it. He might get loud when he can’t get in, but just pretend to sleep through it. If he does any damage, call the cops and have him taken away. You have to set boundaries with him and stick to them. I know how hard this is because I’ve been through it, but you have to think of yourself and your kids right now. Letting go of him and moving on is he best thing for you and your kids.
Hi Amy, I probably don’t need to mention to not argue with an alcoholic when he is drinking.Please try
to keep you and kids safe.If you feel he may get violent, please have a phone ready on speed dial and a plan.I’ve had to call the police a long time ago when he showed signs of escalating violence(shoved me and wouldnt let me walk away).After that time or two of calling the police and having him removed.It wasn’t a problem anymore…
Dear Amy,
Living with an alcoholic will take you to places you’ve never been before. If you try to look at it from a detached perspective, I can promise you that you will never LEARN more by the challenges you will face. That is what they offer. They offer you ‘learning’ by fire. What do you learn? You will learn of your humanity. And, that your humanity is tougher then you think. You have to begin to approach him ‘as a strategy move.’ When you do that, your first thing to ask yourself is ‘what do I want?’ There is a reason you are letting him live with you (perhaps its financial). You have to ‘know’ inside ‘what that is exactly.’ You say ‘I have him live here to assist with paying bills and for security by having a man in the house ..for the sake of the children having a relationship with their father.’ Your Purpose Statement. From here ‘you do whatever you have to to get..WHAT YOU WANT. You can’t be there for what he wants. He’s insane..the psychotic and selfish and (mental issues) with alcoholism. You have sobriety as your strength. Which means memory and the ability to ‘make plans’, ‘manipulate’ and ‘make what you want happen.’ You won’t get him to change who he is. But, when he sobers up perhaps you are kind and ask him to ‘pony up some dough..maybe little bit o guilt for his behavior and..rake it in.’ Learn TO MANIPULATE the alcholic. If you are going to live with them, you have to take a certain perspective. IN a way you have to not see them as human. (seriously) You imagine what you ‘want to get from him’ and GET IT. They are off kilter from the booze, they forget things a lot, they feel guilt inside especially after they’ve drinken. You do..WHATEVER you need to do to get what you need from him. If there is nothing he offers you..’why keep him?’ Take your time, set up your strategy and in absolute secrecy take a little act every day to move yourself somewhere else or a move to move him out. (this includes going to the county courthouse and filing papers or consulting an attorney if you have to) Whatever you do STOP GIVING A DARN about ANYTHING..he does or says. Its hard but..you make your heart STONE to him and..either use him or toss him!
Ooh Amy,
I have been there soooo many times. I’ve been so scared at times that I pray God let me get through the night and I swore I would leave. I did that so… many times. My daughter is 19. She lived through most of it and even though I left my alcoholic and did everything in my power to protect and shield her from the situation, she is still very much affected. My sons are under the age 5. In recent times you hear of so many murders by people under the influence of alcohol or drugs. I always feared that one day he might just be that angry and out of control and kill us all. It’s really tough to leave, but believe me after you have been out a few weeks you will wonder why it took you so long. I pray god gives you the strength to do whatever you feel is right in your heart and that he keeps you safe. 🙂
If he’s being abusive – you need to call the police when he starts the starts the fight at 3 AM. Make sure you and you’re kids are safe. Lock doors. Call police. Let the police do their job. Do *not* escalate the fight (meaning – don’t fight with him). Take your kids and leave if you have to – quietly – without drama.
Half the battle is a made up mind.
You’re in my prayers.
HI Amy, I know how hard this is. Everyone is right keep yourself and the kids safe. I remember coming home from my sisters house my A wasn’t home. when he came in he was pissed off I turned on the a/c, he went into the garage and shut off the electric what a idiot. I went downstairs and said what happened to the electric he said what do you have on up there I said oh, now I can’t use the a/c huh I turned around and walked away
he was so drunk he didn’t think I saw the electric box open. By the time I got upstairs the electric was on. They may be violent but they are so stupid when there drunk. Pretend you are asleep and if you need to bring the kids in your room with you do it and look the door,call the police if you have to. Start making plans to either leave or get him out of there. There are shelters for this. You may also go to a community or church orgazination for help, there is a good chance under these circumstances they will give you money for you and your children to move to a safe place. God keep you and the children safe. My prayers are with you.
Amy,
I left my AH. While he was at work. I looked for a place. I gave a deposit. I packed a stuff away as I could. Then one day as soon as he went to work I got up packed the truck rented a uhaul and my daughter and I packed it full we went from a 3300 sq ft home to a 1200 sq ft home. We didnt take much. I took their clothes my clothes their beds. Some kitchen stuff and left him everything else including the car. I tried leaving many times while he was there. That just made things soooooo bad. Avoid that.
I thank God everyday for the people on this list!! You give me a good perspective in my out of wack world. We are now in a good phase but believe me I now know it is only a phase. All of the suggestions have helped me greatly to love myself more and realize it is not selfish to take care of myself first. Thank you to everyone for all the input!!
Hi Amy! This is Brianna! I am in the same boat!LOL!That is what happens to me. My guy friend alcoholic, Jim,does the same thing..Jim left, but only because I spent $1000 getting him a room in Vegas with a really nice guy. The nice guy,Peter, just kicked him out over the 3 AM drunken crap, the incredible mess the drunk Jim leaves around the house, etc, and Jim is back on my door step, broke, and about to lose his job too!I accept things will not change. Unfortunately, I am so co-dependent, and care about him so much, I just can’t walk away…..It’s always I’m so sorry, I will change, just one more chance, and the truth is, we MUST let them hit bottom!A restraining order might be an option for you…you have children Amy. This is going to be a hard thing to face, but for your kids, you must do what you can to put their live back to serenity.In my case, I must not answer the phone calls, the door banging in the morning must be ignored,and the street for Jim, or I’ll help him into a sober living house. I teach piano at my house, so a drunk guy on the couch will put me out of business.It is what it is, you have to face it. We are enabling these drunks. We must stop! Good luck to you and your children. My prayers are with you…
Stay strong Amy, remember, you have God on your side to help you through this. You can do it!! I know at times you feel like you can’t take anymore . . but you can, just make sure you put you and the kids first . . let him worry about him, he’s made his choices . . we are all here for you . . you are in my prayers ..
Sandy
DEB…I want to say thank-you for the advice..I did what you said…as best as I could today..I came home and he was drinking..I went about my business and pretended I didnt notice..I told him we barely have any food around here..so we went to the store I filled the cart plus half of another one ..I gotta say it was a bit embarrasing…anyone with half a brain could tell he was drunk…but my alcoholic paid for the groceries…brought them home then HE put them all away..thinking he was fooling me…I then told him the house was a mess and we all need to clean..I figured the kids migt as well get something out of this as well..so I told him he needed to pay both of them 20 dollars each for helping out…hee hee..then I told him the lawn needs mowing, the garden needs work..my flower hangers need to be put up..on and on..we were out there for 3 hours..least to say it was an interesting thing to watch but all the things that havent been getting done got done..so as far as I aqm concerned 2 points for me and the kids tonight..and the alcoholic STILL thinks we dont think he was drinking..how on earth they can convince themselves that people cannot tell they are drunk is beyond me…may I add he also bought and paid for the wood needed for my new flower bed…so I am going to bed tonight with a big smile on my face…he thinks he has me fooled..but for once I took advantage of and fooled him and he has put us through so damn much I dont even feel bad…:=)
oh and last night…I DID lock all the doors..and guess who couldnt figure out how to get in..I heard him kick the door a few times..I didn’t move and it stopped…as I was going to work early this morning guess who was asleep on the passangers side of his truck…:=)..oh and yes I have been there mine loves to turn off the power..once he even left us to get drunk when the furnace was acting up and we had no heat in was a BLIZZARD and he was out in it driving around in his truck drinking..he has left me trying to get my car out through 2 feet of snow..I could go on and on..I have learned they hard way you cannot depend on them for ANYTHING..
Amy, thanks for sharing with such honesty. I actually laughed out load when I read how you are planning to go to bed with a smile on your face. We have some really serious conversations on this site at times. It’s good to have enjoyed a taste of humor from you. Alcoholics can be very funny at times, especially when we really start understanding the personality of the problem drinker. I do love what you said about how they think no one knows they are drunk, ha ha ha…
I think it’s wonderful that you are finding some wisdom, hope and strength from our readers. I cannot tell you the depth of appreciation I have for the faithful participants we have on the Alcoholic’s Friend website, you included.
Keep us informed Amy.
I needed a good night for once and everyone is helping me so much..I read every comment and article on this site..I need all the help I can get dealing with this..I need to work on not confronting him when he is drunk..and finding ways like last night to make it work for me..it is those nights when he gets really drunk and really angry that I need to find a way to deal with…one day at a time I guess…today the alcoholic is taking me to Home Depot 2 hours away..he promised to buy me things for the garden etc..I know he will not remember even saying it..so when he wakes up.I am going to say what time did you want to leave for Ellsworth..you more than likely want to wait till the bank opens so you can get money out of the account..just make sure you figure out how much we need for all the things you said you would get me for the garden…I KNOW this is will work..because if he admits he cant remember having the conversation then he would have to admit he was drinking..so another score for me…
I am really shocked! Over the past few years I have dealt with the A threatening to kill/get rid of our kids pets. I never once thought that this was related to his alcoholism and being controling. OMGosh, how sick this is.
Deb
Thanks so much for your comments. It is something that other people have told me but for some reason it finally hit home. After his last bout he is now out helping me upgrade my pastures!! Amy – thanks for the humor and GOOD for you. Yes it is so funny that they can’t remember. He had sat in the other car while drinking and ran the battery down. He had some to come over and told them it needed work. When they showed up of course it didn’t start. He was shocked! I thought it was really funny. Nancy- mine admits he has a control issue but it doesn’t make it easier to deal with. One time he was standing on our porch shooting the BB gun at the horses. Of course I wasn’t that worried because they took off down to the end of the pasture. I took his BB gun away from him and he thinks I threw it away. He knows there will be NO GUNS in this house if he wants me to live here.
If he comes in the early hours shouting, just call the police , it’s that simple
Don’t moan, do , don’t make your kids put up with this, protect them please x
You know what you don’t want. This would help me in my living situation. Not to be to sound too nosy but what kind of home would you like? I need to hear from others…what is a sober home? A sober home to me is where everyone is 100% present. Safe. Calm. Clean air. Any words anyone? I need to put some positive thoughts in my thinking…even if it is not in my reality. I need to act as if.
Hi Amy,
I feel sorry. I totally understand how you feel. It is so very hard for you and your children. Please try to not argue with him on his return. It will do you no good as you know, it makes us tired, drained and the alcoholic will not give two hoots. Bite your lip, see him as he is a sick abusive drunk. Do something for yourself and if you need too with your children, maybe go to the cinema. Lock your door if you can tonight if he decides to return very late in a drunk state. Can you not stay at family or friends for the weekend? I hope you will be ok Amy and your children, will be thinking of you.
Some alcoholics are too dangerous to live with. All of
the rules of coping, as suggested on this web sight,
are effective with most A situations. Let’s be honest!.
1 When it comes to the endangerment of you, your children
and/or animals. You must respond immediately to protect them and your self.
2 Make an immediate plan to escape from this type
of alcoholic. Sacrifices will have to be made but
cruelty to you, your children or animals is not acceptable
on any level. We all deserve to be treated with respect.
3. Battered womens and mens shelters can help with temporary housing. We pay a lot of taxes for this
service and through the help of volunteers who have
walked this path there will be help to guide you.
4. This type of alcoholic will think of everything
he can to manipulate you. He does not know he is sick
and you are getting sicker by the minute by not stopping
him or her immediately. If it means leaving, you saved
the physical and emotional life of every one or special
animal that has contributed to your well being.
5. He or she will not nor will their sick chemically
damaged brain allow them to change. Their disease has
consumed them and will consume you if you allow it.
6. This stage of progressive alcoholism is dangerous.
Suggesting you stay at this stage would be regrettable.
Please, put your safety first along with your children
and animals.
7. If their must be visitations, YOU, set the rules
for this experience. If he is drinking, NO visitation.
If he starts drinking a cell phone for this occassion
must be rendered to the children for their safety.
8. Call the cops, be more afraid of the dangerous alcoholic, the police are their to protect your innocent
children.
I rarely suggest leaving, it is against every Biblical bone
in my spirit. This is not a perfect world and staying
in this fearful enviroment will break your families spirit.
Pray for God to lead you away from this. I will be praying
for all of you. Karens
Alcoholics say the darnest things. I have been practicing the things I learned as best I could this week. My AH has been saying how happy he is but still drinking although he is down to only 12 beers a day. I have always kidded him about the 13 beer rule. I tell him I will only stay around up to 12 beers. After the 13th beer I take myself out of the picture by going to get a hotel or going shopping etc. Today he said that if he let his guard down and got nice instead of being his usual control freak would I not hurt him. It really caught me be surprise. I had never thought of the reason why he was such a jerk other than he was a bad person and was very sick. Now I understand his behavior a little better. Don’t know how you can get this far in life and not understand people any better than I do.
Pat, thanks for sharing. It’s hard to make sense of the insanity that accompanies alcoholism. Understanding a substance abuser’s behavior when they are under the influence is nearly impossible.
Pat, I’m not sure that I understand what it is that you understood about his behavior. Are you saying that he uses anger and control tactics as a defense mechanism because he is guarding himself from letting the way you treat him hurt him?
I think it is all about judgment. He came from such a messed up family. His father was also an alcoholic. When I quit judging him and setting boundaries with love instead of anger it seemed he was able to share his feeling with me a little easier. Even sometimes when I think I was not showing my anger but it was still in my heart I think people can tell. I am not saying that I have all the answers just maybe that I realize how much judgment I was harboring without even being aware of it. I went to Al Anon and they had a lady speaking that was talking about her early days of being married to her AH. She said one day she found herself sitting in the parking lot running the engine getting ready to be run over her husband when he came out of the bar. While that maybe funny in hind site it is often true with the spouses of alcoholics. It is a lot easier to recognize it in someone else than in ourselves I think. I used to think that I could hide it very well but now know that it shows up in a lot of ways. She was saying that while we are busy judging the alcoholic we do not have to look at the things that we need to work on. It is always so much easier to look at what is wrong with them. I guess I am saying that judgment hurts no matter who you are not just those of us that are living with alcoholics. It goes round and round and someone has to be the first one to end it. It is something I will continue to work on sometimes on a minute to minute awareness. Thanks for making me think about this more in depth.