Is It Possible To Have A Healthy Relationship With An Alcoholic

couple arguingHow would you define what a healthy relationship looks like? Have you ever been with someone who you felt had your best interests at heart? What are the signs of an unhealthy relationship? Have you ever been in a situation where you were abused by an alcoholic? How do you define what abuse is?

Who Will Love Me For Me?

One of the dominant personality attributes of the alcoholic I was with is they were always criticizing me. This caused me to feel as though I could never please them. I lived many of my days with them in fear of being judged harshly for the things I did or didn’t do.

Ideally, I think a healthy a relationship would be one in which two people accept one another without judgement, celebrate each other’s differences, are supportive and life-enhancing in all aspects of their journey together.

Being Vulnerable

Fear of being judged harshly for speaking my mind was always looming in my thoughts any time there was something I wanted to discuss with the alcoholic. For several years after we met, she seemed to be a compassionate listener, offering sound, non-critical advice. I wasn’t hesitant to share things with her about anything in my life. We were a team, working together to make the best out of life.

smiling coupleAs the years progressed-so did the progression of her drug and alcohol addiction, and her abusive behaviors. I found myself afraid to share anything with her because she was like a ticking time bomb that was ready to explode with harsh words of disapproval directed right at me. I couldn’t trust her with my thoughts, feelings, ideas or opinions because she would trample all over them. I felt rejected, hurt, misunderstood and afraid to open up to her any more. My heart had become clenched tighter than an aching, angry fist.

A healthy relationship to me would be one in which I wouldn’t be fearful of sharing anything with my partner. I would feel secure in sharing my insecurities with them, knowing I would not be judged, but accepted. Someone who would take the time to try and understand where I was coming from when I was communicating with them about my needs, feelings or opinions.

A healthy relationship partner would take the time to walk a little while in my shoes and see things from my perspective. I believe they would come alongside of me and support me in my goals and dreams in life, and I would do the same for them. We would be able to collaborate together and still have respect for our individual personalities.

Web MD Lists Eight Signs Of A Healthy Relationship As  Being:

  1. Emotional support
  2. Feeling accepted and loved
  3. The relationship is valued by both
  4. Security while exploring individual interests
  5. Trust each other
  6. Comfortable with intimacy and being vulnerable with each other
  7. Individual self-worth (not codependent)
  8. Effective and caring management of conflicts

What does a healthy relationship look like to you? Do you have a healthy relationship with the alcoholic in your life? Was there a place where you enjoyed the beauty of intimacy and could be an open book with the alcoholic, without the fear of being judged harshly, but now that’s a thing of the past? In light of the Web Md listing above, how healthy is your relationship?

You Might Also Like:
Solutions For Alcoholic Relationships
How To Communicate With An Alcoholic
How To Stop Being Mad At The Alcoholic


46 comments to Is It Possible To Have A Healthy Relationship With An Alcoholic

  • Nancy

    I have learned that I need to be careful with what I share with my active Alcoholic. He at times uses them against me or he talks about them with others. I think that he tries to use them as another button he can push. With the help of alanon I am learning what I can and cannot share with him.
    Though it is disheartening not to be able to share things with him, it is in my best interest not to.

  • Nancy

    I am pretty sure this would not be healthy in a “normal” relationship, but I am not in a normal relationship.
    It is healthy for me!

  • Shawn

    My relationship with my alcoholic/addict husband has gotten to the place where I cannot share ANYTHING with him. We’ve been together for 20 years and he’s always had a problem with alcohol, swinging from very heavy drinking for several months to lighter drinking for several months repeatedly over the years, but this past year it’s gotten worse and now includes daily pot smoking (something that was never an issue before). He’s been in a very dark place for the last 4 months and has told me I cannot mention anything that might cause him stress because he can’t handle it. So for the last 4 months our daily conversations only happen when he innitiates them and my only response nodding in agreement and responding with only agreeing comments. Anything else has resulted in an explosive rage from him. He has no interest in my feelings or thoughts whatsoever and has told me I’m not allowed to discuss them as they might cause him more stress. I should also mention he is on VA and SSD disability and has not worked in 10 years. I have recently started going to Al Anon meetings and started seeing a therapist, both of which are helping me to understand what is going on with him and how to do a better job of taking care of myself.

  • Kelly

    I’m not even going to sugar coat this one, coming from experience, thereis no such thing as a “healthy relationship” when your with an addict, for you are both sick. And yes both the addict and you are sick. The addict, well self explanatory, “we” are sick too because of the emotional, mental and physical exhaustion we incurred. I say this with much respect only cause I was with an addict and know how everyone feels. There is no healthy situations with an addict…we don’t trust them, were not their first priority their addiction is, we tell them feelings just to have it used against us, intamacy is a joke. Yeah somedays we get intamacy but when?? When their done using and their d*cks are working…or when we cuddle up to them while their drunk just so we can feel loved by them. There’s no respect only empty sorrys and promises for it only to happen again…its taken me 3 years to see this and now that he’s in jail for third time for nearly killing me, I will never make the same mistake! Much love to you all.

  • Greg

    I agree with you Kelly.We are both sick,my wife and I have been together for 16 years. Everything was great fir the first 10 but than I noticed that she was starting to drink heavily on a regular basis. I brought it to her attention what my concerns were and she thanked me and stopped for a little while.It was not long before she was back in it again thanks ti the help of her uncle Since than everything’s been going downhill. All we used to fight about was socks, how I long for those days now.Now its about how ever thing I do is worthless my stress level is at an all time high and my emotions are everywhere but where they should be. Luckily I have two amazing children who are my life, they keep me going.I am praying still in hope that one day ill have the woman I married the one I fell in love with back. As for a healthy relationship with an alcoholic, no it doesn’t exist nothing but harsh words and false promises.

  • Bill

    Kelly, you are so right, we are affected by the alcoholics in our lives in such a way that we become ill. I know my mom had a wonderful relationship with my alcoholic step father. I’m confident that she could trust him. They used to go on trips together, have lunch regularly during the work week and spend time with each other in the mornings watching TV, drinking coffee and talking.

    The one thing I do know is that even though they had a schedule of spending time with each other, she was still abandoned because alcohol was his first love. I never really saw a close intimate connection with them. He didn’t hold her hand, put his arm around her and rarely did they ever kiss.

    He would get defiant and want to start little spats after he’d come home drunk.

    I know that he loved my mom and my mom loved him. Somehow they managed to make things work for over thirty years and then mom passed away.

    I know I’ve never really experienced the fullness of what a healthy relationship would be like. I’ve longed to be with someone who would take the time to communicate in an understanding and caring way with me. It’s just not possible in a relationship with an alcoholic. It seems like there are so many insecurities that get in the way.

  • Shenzi

    Not with an active one, with few exceptions. If both are working a program and consciously responsible for their own thoughts, feelings, triggers and maintaining healthy boundaries.

  • Shenzi

    An ” AlAnonic ” not in recovery can be every bit as sick as the
    alcoholic!

  • Kelly

    Greg and Bill my heart goes out to both of you. Greg don’t think for a second I don’t think about my ex and what could have been. I longed for him to be the man I fell in love with again but due to violence AGAIN with him I knew I was destined to die if I stayed any longer. It’s only been two weeks but I’m determined to stay strong and not go back, if and when he’s out of jail. Bill my mom is married to an alcoholic or I should say he was one, now sober. But growing up he was awesome and I say that from a rebellious teenager point of view, his theory was that if my mother didn’t find out I was doing stuff I shouldn’t then neither one if us would be in trouble..looking back I see my mom suffered but by the grace of God they are still together and just now after 28 years of marriage working on getting back what was lost. Even though I had months of intense councilling while he was in jail last time to make me as strong as I am now, I still “miss” him …the good times we did have. Shenzi…not being in alanon does not make you sick…I never went and honestly in my OWN opinion for MYSELF I don’t care too nor do I believe in it, for me. And I don’t believe there’s any exceptions to a healthy relationship with an “active” addict even if you both are getting “help”. They have to be non active and getting help to try and be healthy. An active user cannot he responsible for their own feelings, triggers and they certainly don’t know what healthy boundaries are if they are active.

  • Shenzi

    Kelly,

    My comment was presuming sobriety as a given.

    What I said was, ” An ALANONIC” not in recovery can be every bit as sick as the alcoholic”.

    I define alanonic as anyone affected by the dis-ease of alcoholism.

    Your defensive reactions are all about you.

  • karen

    Good morning readers,

    There is no such thing as a healthy relationship with an Alcoholic person. They are not healthy to start with so there is the first red flag that should wave itself in front of our eyes.

    Last night I was feeling lonely..go figure and it was missing the ex-ABF…so I found my diary that I started shortly after I met him and I began reading it. WOW..some of the things that I wrote about a year ago were absolutely amazing and a real eye opener.
    How I was feeling,the things he did or said to me and my reactions to them stunned me for sure. I quickly found myself no longer missing him and actually thought to myself “get real Karen, you have so much more positive in your life now” and I do have a lot of good in my life now that the A person is not in it.

    I know what I want in a partner and he could never or did give me any of my inner wants and desires.

    Healthy relationships begin with healthy people, who are stable mentally and physically. Remember that.

    Have a great day,
    Karen

  • Kelly

    Shenzi lol I’m not defensive, nor am I gonna give a second to argue or debate, maybe just a misunderstanding of the words you presented. Sorry if your words were not clear to me. Going forward Karen I never thought of a diary, wish I had. That’s awesome you have that to reference too.

  • Debbi

    Karen:

    I too kept a journal but I found when I went back & read my entries it raised a lot more questions, especially why. Did you find that also?

  • karen

    Dear Debbi,

    Oh yes for sure it raised a lot of questions within me. I just cannot figure out why I let it go on for so long and we were only together about 8 months….and that was too long.

    I also found it interesting that I choose to journal at that time. That is a good “why” question.

    I have gotten and received so much from this site and I am amazed at how well it has helped me thru these last few months.

    I take it that you were also surprised at what u had written.

    Take Care

  • JC

    Karen and Debbie, I’ve kept the journal entries form many years ago when I was in a relationship with the alcoholic/addict. We had many wonderful times together and there were some pretty awfully abusive times as well. Looking back at the journals reminds of the insanity I lived in for such a long time.

    I was going through some boxes recently of stored items and I found a picture of the day we married and we were smashing cake in each other’s faces, we both had glowing smiles. As a tear came to my eye feeling the loss, I then saw a loose piece of paper in the box. It was a journal entry that had torn out of one of my books. On that small piece of paper it said something like, “the alcoholics/name came home after drinking all day and tried start an argument with me. I told her I didn’t care to talk about the situation right now, let’s revisit this tomorrow morning. I then announced that I was going to go for a walk and would be back in a little. As I turned to walk away she hit me in the back of my head with a closed fist and shoved me as hard as she could…”

    I believe that God set me up. The image and the journal entry were reminders for me to see things for what they really were, not what I had once had or hoped to have in the relationship.

    I’m in the healthiest relationship now that I’ve ever been in, it’s a wonderful thing. I feel that I am a much healthier person today because I’ve stayed connected with God, church, Al-anon and AA.

  • Debbi

    Karen:

    I was married almost 16 years & kept journals almost the entire time but in 2009 I was convinced by the pastor of my church to let go of past ills & throw them out–wish now I had not. So I only have the last 3 years. I too questioned why I stayed so long but I also get other “why questions”. .. why did he do that? Because he was already being unfaithful & trying to get me upset to leave & move the next one in & take everything I worked so hard for or was it just the stupid alcohol causing all this & no other women at that time? This one is my biggest question.

  • Debbi

    JC
    I am so glad you are in a much better relationship but when you said your vows at your wedding do you believe she loved you as much as you loved her? Then did alcohol take over later or do you think she put on a “act” of loving you like so many A’s can do–I am so conflicted as to whether they can feel emotions and empathy towards others or not. Appreciate your thoughts or Karen’s on this subject since you both kept journals and did look back through them.

  • stacy

    Just two days ago was when my break up occurred with my alcoholic boyfriend. It has been a long time coming. His criticism, cut downs, threats to punch me, jealousy and insecurity reached its final switch, and I have a lot of switches to flip before I finally blow. And blow I did! The bad part is that I think I want him back! I know he is a very sick person, but to his friends, who are also alcoholics, he is great! I must be sick as well to want to continue to endure the frequent negative comments he can’t seem or want to control. He is full of anger and I am nothing but his punching bag, not physically at the moment but mentally. I know he does not like what he is so his way of trying to feel better is to attempt to drag me down to where he is at and I don’t let that happen, which makes it even worse. I know, seems like the same scenario in everyone’s situation who is involved with an insecure alcoholic, but I love him so much. Can these people with this issue EVER make the choice to be a better person?

  • stacy

    Debbie, that is my question too. Can they feel empathy or emotions? Mine seems to at times, and it leads me on to feel he is coming around. But then, it could be an hour later or the next day, the criticism comes right back, even for the thing he seemed to be empathetic for. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Seems to be bipolar. I guess it all goes hand in hand with alcoholism.

  • JC

    Stacy, thanks for sharing.

    Is your boyfriend actively drinking?
    Could you share a little about the jealousy and insecurity you mentioned?
    Is there a reason for him to be jealous?

    It’s my understanding that things like jealousy and insecurities can be talked about and worked through (a sign of a healthy relationship), when two people are willing to communicate about these things and “work” together on them.

  • stacy

    JC, yes he is currently drinking. He drinks about 15-20 beers a day. He can’t even drive 20 miles without having a beer in his hand, when he gets on a roll. I think his jealousy issue stems from a bunch of different issues. His mom paid more attention to his adopted sister growing up, his x wife left him for another man but he did admit to me that he had once cheated on her. He makes up false scenarios in his head about me and because I work with the public, makes it even harder for him to believe that I am faithful. I have gone above and beyond to instill the confidence in him that I am his forever and have zero interest in anyone else, only to get it all smashed back in my face if I get seen just glancing or saying hi to someone of the opposite sex that might be a customer of mine or an aqaintance. I spend most of every day with this man and I have put aside many hours of doing things I should be doing to spend time with him, which we do enjoy doing many things together. Its just the past few.months that things have really went down hill and I thinks a lot has to do with the fact that my daughters bf moved in with us (me and my daughter. The bf and I don’t live together) he has had a really hard time dealing with this and has TOLD me to get him out. The boy is 17 and has no where else to go and is a good kid. He has made several sick comments to me about him asking if I am attracted to him, do we sit by candlelight and eat dinner, he calls him a free loader and judges him as worthless without even taking the time to know him. The boy is a superb baseball player and has several scouts looking at him. His enrages my bf because this kid is better at baseball than his boy is and they are on the same team. This is just one of the many jealousy issues that he has. I love this man to pieces because he does have so many good qualities but it has reached a very bad peak to where I feel he will physically hurt me. He has told me in the past that I make him madder than anyone ever has. I think its because I have an ability to see him from the inside out and expose his ultimate weaknesses and am right about them. Its so sad he chooses to be this way, sabotaging anything that can be good in his life.

  • Debbi

    Stacy:
    I do not know your age but for him to accuse you of anything going on between you and your daughter’s 17 year old boyfriend is not a good sign. Don’t know if it’s jealousy, control, or I hate to say it, but projecting something he might have done onto you to take guilt off him.

    You have a right to worry about it becoming physical. My A accused me constantly and then it happened. . .at my company Xmas party he shoved me and almost knocked me over because I talked to one of the male owners of the company for a few minutes. . .Then later it became shoving things in my fax & trying to hit me in the head with a cell phone, so be careful and read the section on dealing with the A to step back & smile so as not to give A any reason to escalate a simple conversation into an argument.

    Please evaluate whether you deserve this? 15-20 beers a day and driving under influence is not a good thing and this may only get worse for you. Stay alert & protect yourself.

  • stacy

    Debbi, The thought of him being guilty of being attracted to younger girls has crossed my mind. If he has ever did anything with one, I believe strongly that it is not been since we’ve been together. I think that he just does not want me taking care of anyone but him. I have horses also and he makes comments every once in awhile about how they come number one to me. That they are first and then everything else falls behind them. Your story sounds like a scenario that could happen to me. And I don’t want to be in that position ever again. To be constantly accused of doing things that you don’t do, Puts you on the defense And hurts to the core. Everytime I try to defend myself to him, He accuses me of being guilty of it or else I wouldn’t be defensive. He always says if you didn’t do it then you wouldn’t get so defensive about it! He accuses me so he can get a rise out of me. This is a very sick way to have a relationship with someone

  • JC

    Stacy, thanks for sharing more. Sounds like you’ve got some serious things you are dealing with in this relationship.

    Has your boyfriend always drank this much since you’ve been with him or is there something that has elevated his alcohol consumption recently?

    You might enjoy reading:

    Being Abused By An Alcoholic
    Being Happy While Involved With An Alcoholic
    How To Love An Alcoholic

  • stacy

    JC, yes he has been drinking this heavy for 2 1/2 yrs that we have been together. He gave up chewing about a week after we started dating and claims that because if that, he drinks more. From one addiction to another, which he has always drank!

  • karen

    Kelly, and other readers,

    You are so right about the alcoholic person. Any emotions that they show are on their own terms and what personality is in play.

    Same goes for the intimacy, it is when they want it, and their favorite “member” usually does not work at all, and to top it off, they feel they are a gift to us…go figure !!
    He never showed any affection to me when sober, or even if he was drinking, it depended once again which personality was in play. I found that when he was in the manic phase that was when he wanted to “play”. This was definitely not a healthy relationship. There is no healthy relationship with the alcoholic person. That is the bottom line.

    We are worth so much more than that and if you or anyone else is considering taking back the alcoholic person into their lives, then you all need some serious help. I recognized this in myself and I am in therapy…not to figure the alcoholic person out, but to figure me out and why I sought and continued with this type of person. It is now all about me and to fix me.

    I truly do not care what happens to him…his life..his path and his destination. All I care about is fixing me and living life to the fullest.

    I truly feel that they stick with us because we are a co-dependent to them in some way or another. He wanted me to replace his “mother”…seriously. His mother is also an alcoholic and comes to his rescue all the time and she is number one in his life, but then he will speak badly of her and ignore her calls for a few days.

    I am so glad that I am rid of him.
    The focus is on me.

    Karen

  • Kelly

    Karen…very well put! I couldn’t have said it better:)

  • stacy

    In my relationship, there was still a lot of affection, intimacy, and we were fine in bed! This is why I am so confused. He truly seems to love me, even though he doesn’t say it. The anger that has engulfed him, which he has always carried, has reached a level to where I don’t think he can even stand himself, deep down. I watched a video yesterday on this site about setting boundaries with an alcoholic and I realized that this is where I have failed miserably. I had become way too available to him. There was no chase, no challenge. I agreed with everything he suggested we do, hardly ever stating my mind or making suggestions or coming up with my own ideas. Right now, I want to salvage our relationship because he is my world but the longer he ignores me or doesn’t call, I’m afraid the stronger I will get and realize how sick he is and that I will never or could never feel 100% secure in our relationship.

  • stacy

    You just hope that they will see the light and want to fix themselves so that they can enjoy life and a healthy relationship instead of always causing turmoil and drama

  • Debbi

    I’m with Karen on this one & in my case even after getting out of the relationship & trying to move on, it has not happened & he wanted to destroy me & “make me pay” (his last words to me).

    He is doing that & I can’t take the depression any more. He left me fighting for my life because he would not stay with me & abstain from using escorts for just one more year so that I could recover. By forcing my hand & forcing me to file for divorce I lost my health insurance and although I had one good follow-up the rest are not good & the bills are mounting up. I have no choice but to sell my home after fighting so hard to keep it to pay off medical bills. I went from depression to complete despair in the last few days. If anyone within 4 hours ride of Atlantic County NJ can give my horse a home I will throw in a free 2003 2-horse trailer. I need to settle up everything quickly & go. He has left me with no other options & my last call to judges, accounting firms, pension managers to clear up a balance that is owed me has come to an end. I need to give up the fight & “change my address”. Maybe some day I will finally find peace that I believe I should deserve.

  • stacy

    Debbi! Don’t just give away your horse and especially the trailer!! My God girl, if you need money, sell the trailer on Craigslist or post on Facebook. Make a package deal for the horse AND trailer and I guarantee you will sell it if you put a good price on it!! You can get some money that way. My heart goes out to you. You are in a very bad position. Is the horse broke or trained for anything in particular?

  • Debbi

    Stacy:

    Thanks for the input but everything has been on Craigslist for awhile and “no bites”. Horse is 24 years & no one wants an older horse unless I throw in a free trailer. I’ll just have to be careful who takes him so that his last years will be in a good place–he deserves it–he served 10 years with the County on a Search & Rescue Equestrian Team. He’s a good old guy & doing whatever I have to to give him a chance. But I’ve taken this site & JC’s word to heart & I need to move on where I can get some temporary financial support and definitely some support from family members & take a big load off me right now. But you won’t get rid of me so easy-I’ll still be here cheering all you great guys on!

  • Bruce

    Yesterday was the funeral for my AGF. Yes you can have healthy relationship with your A. You need to be able to see the signs that the A wants one. I didn’t! And I will go to my grave regretting it. At her visitation and funeral her family and friends told me how much she loved me. She would reveal her feelings of love for me to friends and family. The few times she stayed with me after she moved out. She would always say she was home. She would be happy and sober! Her family always knew she was safe with me. And she was! She was making a turn for the better by wanting to be baptized. But she relapsed last week. And God called her home. If any of you ever see a glimpse of progress from your A take it. Give them the love and help they seek from you. Help them find a GOOD rehab.. And get yourself help to understand the situation the two of you are in. So people stay on this site. It is a good one. I wish I would have found this site years ago. Hang in there everyone. We will get through our Alcoholic problems together.

  • stacy

    Oh Bruce, I literally have a lump in my throat and are on the verge of tears after reading this. Buddy, that is so sad. Reminds me of the song “Whiskey Lullaby”. It is so hard for the A to say their love and what you mean to them because they don’t know what love is. They can’t love themselves. You gave her the security she needed and loved her unconditionally and that is what is important. I am so sorry that you have to face this every day from now on. I can’t even imagine. Yes, we all will hang in there by sticking together. This is a WONDERFUL site!

  • Bruce

    Stacy: She loved me. That I know from her telling me. And her family told me she was always telling them she loved me. She just could not defeat the demons in her. She did try. That I know. I’m going to a Al-Anon meeting tonight. I hope it helps. @ Debbi. I’ll help you cheer people on. 🙂

  • Ex Gf of RA

    I almost started laughing when I saw the title of this post.

    The answer is no, absolutely not.

    Addicts, recovering or not, will destroy everything that is good about you and the relationship.

    They are completely selfish, self centred people that do not give a s*** about anyone else but themselves and their addiction or their recovery. They do not consider anyone else’s feelings and will continue to hurt everyone else around them in order to feed either their addiction or their ridiculous ideas of what they need to do in order to stay sober. Once sober, if they should feel guilt or remorse for their selfish and cruel behaviour (as they should feel), they are excused and coddled by their AA peers, telling them once again to be incredibly selfish and self centred so as to not experience a relapse.

    The partners/spouses will suffer greatly, being abandoned to deal with their pain alone.

    It will always be about them, and never about you, the loving caring spouse.

    If you can, cut all ties and RUN, don’t walk, away as fast as you can and go out with someone who does not have this impairment!

    From Chris

  • karen

    Chris and other readers,

    Good morning to everyone and I hope that your day and the week ahead of all of us is a good one and peaceful.

    I totally agree with Chris………there is no such thing a healthy relationship with the A person. No disrespect to anyone else on this site…But, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH THE ALCOHOLIC/OR ADDICT.

    The A that was in my life would speak highly of me to other people and his family, but when he was with me it was a totally diiferent scene. He would degrade me and tell me “how much I concerned him”…whatever that meant ??
    He would ignore me for days and not answer my phone calls and when I would go to his place he would not even answer the door. What the heck was that all about??

    I felt unimportant, neglected,and not cared about. I want someone who there for me, will listen to me, share and care and maybe bring me flowers for no reason at all.

    It is always about them and the drama in their lives and the alcohol/durgs. This is not for me at all.

    They do not care about your pain and suffering…only theirs’ and this healthy….for who??

    Too much emotional stress for me. I want and need healthy in my life.

    Have a great day.
    Karen

  • Caitlyn

    Hi All,
    I think it comes down to acceptance. Accepting what and who they are but not putting up with any misbehaviour and setting the boundaries from the outset. That is, early on before it all gets out of hand. If they are keen to continue in the relationship with you they too will ‘accept’ your ‘tough conditions’ and moderate not so much their drinking but their behaviour around you and ensure they show respect for you and moderate all misbehaviour. Set the standard and stick to it. I believe it is possible to have a loving successful relationship with an alcoholic, but it takes a special kind of couple to achieve this. It might not stand for all and as the non alcoholic you have to stand strong in your convictions but show a loving guiding hand.

  • maryann

    Caitlyn how do you do this please explain..

  • Elisabeth

    I felt like I was the parent in the relationship and am glad not to be in that anymore. I hope to be in a healthy relationship next with someone who is my partner rather than my child.

  • stacy

    I agree with caitlyn. We chose these people, if we love them, we have to learn how to deal with them. In my situation, when mine starts getting sarcastic, cutting me down, I tell myself that I know that this is his insecurity and I believe in myself and know that the things he says are not true. Its just his way to try to bring me down and it does not work on me! It is part of his sickness. In our relationship though, we still have a lot of affection, our sex life is strong and we enjoy doing a lot of things together so I know that his feelings for me are still strong. It has been pretty rough these past couple of months but I think that is because I had forgotten how to deal with him and started arguing with him. Hello! Stacy, your confidence went down and your boundaries are not set! You HAVE TO stay confident and don’t let THEIR insecurities get to you! Ya, one day I might get tired of it but last week I spent a week not talking to him and it was one of the toughest weeks of my life. I turned back to this site and realized several things: I had forgotten how to deal with him, that I let down my boundaries, and that it is worth it to give it another chance because we both still care a lot for each other. He has a sickness, alcoholism. Alcoholism enhances his insecurities, which he has carried his whole life and they have nothing to do with me. I just have to learn the corect ways to deal with them, show him that he is a priority to me and that I have to remain strong and believe in myself!

  • Debbi

    IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM– since my divorce even getting away from the A too late–I feel he destroyed me. He left me with no health insurance & refused to find a home for his horse so I took it in–I tried every avenue to get myself health insurance & find that horse a home but I had to give up. I will make the appointment to put the horse down as I am out of funds owing every doctor in the world. I am no better than that A that wanted to destroy the horse without even trying to find it a home. So by trying to do the right thing it still ended up wrong & I know where my destination is when I explain to my higher power I failed at saving myself or even a lousy old 24 year old horse–I’m sure my eternal destination is fire & brimstone. My A wanted me destroyed & he has. I feel so defeated. I got away from him but still it did not help. I think all addicts should be made to be tattooed across their forehead so no one will go near them & be destroyed because that seems to be their goal. I am going to be with family where if I can’t get health care to continue my treatments at least I can get some financial care & get the rest I need. He totally destroyed me! So don’t ever think you can have a healthy relationship with an A–even one where you stay far away from them–they ruin your life even from a distance.

  • Alyssa

    I have realized that with my alcoholic partner I can not stand him in any way shape or form, when he’s drinking. He’s a completely different person. Oh and my past, that happened even way before him yeah he holds even that against me. It seems all we do is constantly fight. I bring up how I feel second best to his beer and friends and I get SCREAMED at that its not true that i’m being an insensitive bitch who doesn’t understand his addiction… I’ve lost who I am 100%. I cry all the time, there’s not a moment where I’m not crying or wanting to.

  • Elaine

    Hi Alyssa I understand completely as will others here who use this site when you say you can not stand him in any way shape or form when he’s drinking. They are completely different people, they act like demons possessed, can see nothing but themselves and their own selfish needs and will twist everything you say to a point where you feel so empty and unsure of your own being. I gave up on trying to reason, to try and explain how I felt or how much it hurt me. They have a tendency it seems to see themselves as the poor picked on victim who nobody understands which is a load of utter shite! So so many people on this world get bum deals in life but it doesn’t turn them in to abusive assholes. Never ever give up on yourself honey, it might seem so hard now to believe that there will be a time when you don’t feel so lost, sad and tearful but it will come to you. I like to believe that for those of us who have been through this shit it makes us stronger without ever realising it has happened. It will come. Myself like so many here have been where you are, all I ever did was feel like I was about to crumble and would often break down but it passed. You will find that strength in you, be strong. You’re worth more hun

  • HumanAngel143

    I made the choice, as we all do, to incarnate into an alcoholic family so that I could learn to love and empower myself by learning healthy boundaries. As the only non drinker in my family, I always felt like an alien. Like Cousin Marilyn in The Munsters!

    With the help of prayer, ALANON, ACOA, therapy and other healing modalities that I do ( such as EFT) to release trauma from the emotional and physical body, I am learning to love myself one day, one hour, one moment at a time.
    LOVING OURSELVES IS THE RIDE.

    Being involved with an alcoholic is the perfect learning curve for that curriculum!

    We are not victims here. It’s all a choice and a spiritual walk from the moment we are conceived.

    We are spiritual beings having a human experience. Life’s a school and there’s a reason for all the lessons we create.

    LOVE TO ALL
    LOVE TO ME

  • HumanAngel143

    AND LOVE TO THE ALCOHOLICS!!

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