Should I Help? The Alcoholic Is Hitting His Lowest Point


Her ex-alcoholic husband is hitting a low point in his drinking adventures. Our staff doesn’t think she should rescue him; what do you think? Please leave a comment below the article.

Guest Post From:NM
Hi! I’m back. Its been a while. So, I left my alcoholic domestic partner of 21 years late October 2012. Its been a ride..he recently told me he knows where I live. That was a little bit devastating.

My home was my only safe place. At this time he has yet to come here, but has threatened to come. He described my front yard. It was a little scary for sure. He’s had his good nights and his bad nights. Some days he misses me some days he hates me. He quit his job. He is letting our house go into foreclosure. He had our cars repo’d. He sold most of our furniture. Now he has nowhere to go and he’s been begging me to give him one more chance.

He says he will stop and things will be different. I’ve gone out to dinner with him a few times. We went out of town to a sporting event one weekend. We’ve spent a few days together. We have three kids ages 9,4 and 2. He’s using the whole I’m different, I’ll stop, I want to change, please let me move in with you. I have no where to go. How can you leave me out in the cold.

I have no one else. You’ve taken my children from me. I’ve gone back and forth…yes, I will help him. He’s the father of my children, how can I abandon him at his lowest point…then heck no. I’m out I’m happy and I am learning to live! He won’t go to rehab.Says it costs too much or it will go on his record and affect future potential jobs, he would miss time with his kids. I know what the answer to this is.

I know I shouldn’t. I know he is close to hitting his lowest point. I know that’s what needs to happen to see any change, good or bad. He threatens to leave forever if I don’t help… stuff like that makes me feel bad and want to help him. This is killing me. I can’t relax. I can’t move on. I’m still under his spell. I can’t seem to shake it. I need reassurance or guidance. What are your thoughts?


24 comments to Should I Help? The Alcoholic Is Hitting His Lowest Point

  • Mike S

    Remember the reasons you made changes? Your past decisions will still be contributing to both of yours’ growth if you allow it. Continue with your own growing let him continue with his.

  • Ackua

    NM, you have to be strong and not give in. Denial is the deceiver and will ruin our lives. If he looks like an alcoholic mess, then he is. I wouldn’t help him unless he gets into a rehab. Tell him to go to the Salvation Army and ask for help. They have great rehab programs and will most likely not turn him away if he is serious.

  • Pamela

    Don’t fall into the trap. Don’t step into the deep black hole. Insanity is doing the same thing over again expecting different results. Run, run, run as fast as you can away from this madness. Only let him back in after he has demonstrated sincere change and has been sober for a long time. None of this is your fault. He is the one who has continued to drink…

  • D.J.

    If he is coming to his lowest point don’t interfere with his reaching bottom. I have been both addict (drug and alcohol) and spouse of addict(both). You will be helping him by not rescuing him. If he is rescued too soon it will only help for awhile and he will return to his old ways in a month, a week, but sometime. If he is making excuses for getting help he is not deserving of sharing a home with you and your children. He will only pull you all down. Love him enough to let him fall…all the way and love yourself and your children enough to protect you and them. Love has to be tough sometimes. Think about you said. You are doing well without all of his stuff. If you let him back in without firm and healthy boundaries and show him he doesn’t have to do anything but make promises to be back with you then that is as far as it will go. Us A’s make a lot of promises and never keep them. We will do as little as possible to get what we want. Take care of you and your children. He is a grown man and has to learn to make grown up decisions. You can show him you love and care and want you all to be a family but your boundaries have to be firm. He needs help. Help him get into a good facility when HE is ready. Until then it will only be playing games with your lives.

  • Debbi

    I agree with everyone else here–do not allow him back. Wait & see, demand the change and keep the boundaries. . .You can do it!
    Stay strong.

  • L.

    No one could/should tell you what to do. I might suggest Al-Anon meetings, (at least six before you make up your mind), and private counselling for yourself. With this kind of support you may come to the right decision that works for you. In my opinion you deserve nothing less than complete respect from him. I wish you well … prayers, love, and light ~

  • Mia

    Hello

    It’s so hard to refuse helping those we love but would you give your kids the keys to your car if they hadn’t learnt to drive yet just. Is they asked . The tantrum and emotional stuff kids do in their early teens are much like the alcaholics behaviour when refuse help . I try and think of my boyfriends requests in terms of ….. 1. would I do that just cos someone asked when I knew it was bad for them and 2. would I have to do that for another adult and very often 3. Would I accept being spoken to like this by anyone else including my kids

    I think he’s loading the guilt on you sp he doesn’t take Any. He’s a grown up and can look after himself . Remind he why you left and any progress in your relationship depends on Him
    Getting sobre . It’s therefore his choice not yours ! He can’t promise you he will get sobre so you can’t promise a romantic partnership with him

    My boyfriend wants to work for me and moans I haven’t asked his help
    So I just say when you don’t drink daytime then I will consider it ! When he moans I won’t ask him to family things then I tell him I will if he doesn’t drink before we go !

    I think what it boils down to is that yes we will be happy to help and love them etc but not while they are drunk, unreliable and argumentative . As they choose to drink its them that is stopping the good stuff coming their way !

  • Rc

    Your husband has two people/personalities inside of him. The self and the addict. You never know which one you will be interacting with. The self is begging you for help but it will only help the addict too. Hitting rock bottom is the only way, short of a miracle, for the self to realize that the addict is really trying to kill them both. That’s when the self has to decide to fight to win or give up and lose. It’s a battle that we as outsiders can not fight. It’s internal and its between your husband and god.

  • SF

    NO No No No No …………………..I did it and it WILL NOT CHANGE! Take comfort and confidence in how far you have come! Don’t let him back! Much peace,happiness and love to you 🙂

  • CC

    Stay Strong: You made changes in your life for the better for you and your children.
    Things are not going to change. Move on with your life and be happy.
    Much prayers and love.

  • s-p

    No it would be a huge mistake.Let him be responsible for himself.You are losing your home because of him.Keep him out at all costs.

  • Josie

    You have made the move to do what is best for you and your children
    I am sure you left becasue there was no other solution
    Go to Al Anon, attend an AA meeting to understand the denial and addiction process
    Let it begin with you, first things first, look after yourself and your children

    He will find his way
    Hand him over to the God of your understanding
    If you change, he will change
    But first you must allow him to come out of denial
    Enabling him by rescuing him won’t allow him to see what he is doing to himself

    I encourage you to stay alone
    Threats are common with people with addiction
    You owe it to your children and to yourself to be an example
    Don’t rely on someone else for your self esteem

    You didn’t cause it, you can’t sure it and you can’t control it
    Take the first step in the 12 steps and admit you are powerless over alcohol and another person
    Take step 2 to allow God to restore you to sanity
    Live one day at a time and see the changes begin to take place

    Step 1 – We admitted we were powerless over our addiction – that our lives had become unmanageable
    Step 2 – Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
    Step 3 – Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God

    Oceans of Love to you NM and your 3 children

  • Terri

    You made the move for a reason. Unfortunately, alcoholics do not heal on their own. My husband stopped for several weeks only to start up again. I thought he was cured, that was my denial. If he truly wants his family back, he will enter a program and get help. My son is now twenty. For most of his childhood, his father was drunk, that is the guilt I live with on a daily basis. Stay strong and it will benefit all of you. If he is truly interested in his family, he’ll get the help he needs. In the interim, go to alanon. They do understand.

  • AM

    Dear NM,

    Teach your children how to set boundaries by only allowing your husband back into their lives when he has proven to them that he will be a good father. What will they think of you if you tell them he “promised” when he’s already broken so many other promises?

    Examine the facts and set your emotions aside: “He quit his job. He is letting our house go into foreclosure. He had our cars repo’d. He sold most of our furniture.”

    Those are the facts. Now if he goes to the Salvation Army – as another person suggested – and COMPLETES a program, then he has some facts to back up his promises.

    I too have been listening to the lies of an addict since October. I too know the beauty that lies underneath. But the addict is cunning, baffling and strong, and he will continue to lie and manipulate his way back into your heart, if you let him.

    If it were that easy, your husband would have defeated the addict inside him a long time ago, before the cars were repo’d, before the furniture was sold. The only way to defeat the addict is to enter rehab, and after rehab, start working a daily recovery program.

    But recovery takes work. It sounds like you have been working very hard. Now it’s his turn. Please make him earn your trust and your children’s trust. They will respect you more if you do.

    You are not alone. We understand. Keep coming back. We are always here for you.

    Peace, LAM

  • karen

    In response to NM,

    I agree with all of the responses. DO NOT LET HIM BACK IN YOUR LIFE OR THE LIVES OF YOUR CHILDREN.

    He is manipulating you and the “blame game” continues. You have come this far…stand your ground and be strong. This is all about you and your children now. Fix you and the children.

    Like I said in a previous letter…When you give the A a second chance you may as well give them another bullet for their gun because they missed you the first time…do not be the victim.

    We should all move ahead and keep stepping forward, never go backwards !!

    I have also been the enabler and provided his “drink” when I invited him to my home for dinner, and I always gave him the best of the best. My behaviour enabled him and then I was in a situation where I had to put up with his personalities, moodiness,crying the river of tears,the memory loss in the morning, and on and on and on.
    Do I ever want to do this again…….NO NO NO !!!

    There behaviour never changes and the scenerio never changes….so why go back to that again.

    My advice to go to the Al Anon meetings and be an active participant on this site.
    Listen to JC and the watch the videos.
    Pray and seek God.
    Be strong, be confident, and never doubt yourself and your innner instincts.
    You will care to be amazed at what you can will accomplish.
    We only get one chance at this life, there is no dress-rehersal.
    Be happy.
    God bless
    Karen

  • Janice

    Should we let the alcoholic back into our lives? I say only if they have sincerely gotten sober.

  • Mildred

    Both of my sons went through Christian rehab programs that didn’t cost anything upfront. Once they got enrolled in the program, stayed sober for a couple of months, they were required to get a job. Once employed they had agreed to give the rehab a percentage of their pay.

    I am happy to say that my boys have been sober over ten years now. When there’s a will-there’s a way!

    Let him hit bottom…

  • meg

    NM, do not help him out, this is a good opportunity for him to come to terms with the need to be sober. I am struggling with the same right now- I left it too long; perhaps in my mind I thought he is just a kid..(he became alcoholic at 17), he is now 21 and am implementing tough love, am not relenting and he is in shock! this is a very critical moment. NM, I repeat, dont look back – if you want a good future, let him feel the pain of his choices now!

    good luck

  • Dani

    I have a question, what if something awful happens because I don’t help? What if my son ends up living on the streets? I don’t know if I could live with myself if something happened to my son because I didn’t help him. In the past he has gotten really depressed and tried to commit suicide. I am afraid he will die if I don’t let him stay with me.

  • DEAR NM, THIS SOUNDS JUST LIKE MY STORY…MY HUSBAND LEFT ME IN OCTOBER AT
    MY REQUEST AND HAS BEEN TRYING TO COME BACK HOME AND HE HAS PROMISED ME
    EVERYTHING BUT HE HAS NOT DONE THE WORK…OVER THE LAST 12 YEARS, WE HAVE BEEN LIVING IN HELL…WE ARE TOGETHER 35 YEARS IN A COUPLE OF DAYS AND NOW I WONDER IF I HAVE WASTED MY WHOLE LIFE…HE WAS IN AA FOR 12 YEARS AND THINGS WERE GREAT BUT DECIDED TO DRINK AGAIN AND THINGS GOT MUCH WORSE
    INCLUDING PUTTING US IN A FINANCIAL MESS AND HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH OUR SECRETARY WHO I THOUGHT WAS MY FRIEND….I WISH THAT I HAD READ THIS SITE 12 YEARS AGO AND MAYBE WE WOULD NOT BE WHERE WE ARE TODAY. DO NOT LET HIM MANIPULATE YOU. HE HAS TO SHOW YOU, NOT TALK ABOUT WHAT HE IS GOING TO DO. THAT IS EXACTLY WHERE I AM TODAY WITH MY HUSBAND..WALK THE WALK NOT TALK THE TALK. STAY STRONG AND THINK OF YOUR CHILDREN BECAUSE YOU ARE THEIR EXAMPLE…MY 2 SONS(NOW 29 AND 32)SUFFERED FROM THIS DISEASE.
    I ALSO WAS BROUGHT UP IN AN ALCOHOLIC FAMILY. MY HUSBAND WAS TOO.
    THE CHAIN HAS TO BE BROKEN. GOOD LUCK AND KEEP PRAYING AND ASKING FOR HELP
    THE DISEASE IS VERY POWERFUL BUT WE ALL HAVE CHOICES.IT’S GREAT TO HAVE A SITE LIKE THIS TO BE ABLE TO SHARE OUR EXPERIENCES AND HOPEFULLY TO BE HELPFUL TO OTHERS WHO ARE SUFFERING.

  • MMS

    Times up. He did this to himself and will do it to you if you keep allowing it. It is up to you, which seems an uncomfortable and unusual feeling because you gave him your power years ago. What I find striking is that you are thinking he will change. He isn’t supporting you in any way shape or form. If that is how you envision your future, then go for it, if you want a real authentic life, change the locks on the door, change your phone number and tell him you can no longer be in his life.

    It appears he hasn’t changed at all, he is just desperate. Why do you allow this?

    Have you noticed he is threatening you by saying he will leave you for good. You should be so lucky and so should your children. And by the way, forcing your children to deal with a bad drunk is abusive. Do you want your children to think this is what love is? It is all on you now, none of your behavior is his fault and when he ruins you and the emotional development of your children, you will have no one to blame except yourself.

    Acceptance and forgiveness does not mean that the abusive drunk gets to move back in. Please get therapy immediately.

  • AM

    Dani,

    Every situation is different, so it’s hard to give advice without knowing you and your son personally. Depression is real though and so I understand your fears.

    Has your son ever received professional help for his depression? Do you think he might be willing to seek therapy? How old is he?

    Peace, LAM

  • James pendragon

    He’s an ADDICT and he will emotionally blackmail you until you are on skid Row standing right next him before you wake up! So, wake up now. Get rid of the bum before his disease takes everything you’ve got.

  • Julie

    Wow your story sounds almost parallel to mine. Do not let him live with you. I am experiencing the exact problem right now with my ex husband who is an alcoholic. He just got suspended from work with no pay because he messed up at work and was found to have alcohol and marijuana in his blood when tested. He is now calling me and asking to live here or at least to visit since his parents whom he lives with now are “giving him a hard time”. Probably they are angry with him and of course that makes sense. But it is not my responsibility to let him come here and “save” him. He needs to figure things out and stop blaming others and then make the right choices. But even now he is trying to blame me for his situation saying the divorce made things hard for him and that is why he screwed up at work etc…etc… Never takes ownership of the situation of his life. It is difficult for me too to turn him away, but the children and I have come this far to get away from this disease and he still is not owning up to it. Therefore I will not let him come back here. Good luck NM and prayers to you and your children. Don’t give in to him keep focusing on you and the children. Let God work on your AH.

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