Is it possible that we’ve felt insecure all of our lives? Can an alcoholic fulfill our needs for significance, certainty, connection and love? When trust is broken, can one feel secure in their relationship? What is it that I am actually afraid of that causes this fear-based emotion to rear its ugly head? Where does insecurity come from?
When we feel unloved because we think we are not enough that’s where the foundation of insecurity is formed.
Things like:
- We’re not clever enough
- We aren’t beautiful enough
- We are not smart enough
- We are not innocent enough
In all relationships, not just with alcoholics, there are the possibilities of experiencing abandonment, rejection and situations where trust flies out the window. When we experience these things, where can we find a firm foundation to stand upon? If we cannot trust our partner, then how in the world can we feel secure in the relationship?
One of the healthiest things a relationship can have is trust. Alcoholics have a tendency to break trust on a regular basis, no wonder we feel so off balance at times. Even if sex is great, there exists an abundance of money and loads of thrilling adventures, without trust, relationships are destined to fail.
This quote is from Task:
“Essentially, trust says that I believe you will be there when I need you; I believe you will catch me if I fall; I believe you have my back. I believe you will always treat me with the same courtesy and respect, you’d want for yourself. Trust goes further and promises, I will keep your secrets; I will not betray you, no matter how tempted I may become; I will act with the utmost integrity and character where you are concerned. You are safe with me.”
Let’s face it, most alcoholics are not reliable. This is something that gets proven time and time again.
So it seems as though we need to re-anchor ourselves in order to feel more secure. This is why it’s vitally important for us to learn detachment techniques used in alcoholic relationships. This is why we teach that letting go of an alcoholic is so important. This is why so many people establish a close and intimate relationship with God. He promises to never leave or forsake us. Isn’t that what we have always wanted from anyone in our lives, not just our alcoholic spouse.
Discover the real you again. We get so lost in our relationships with others, especially with alcoholics. This is why we teach the importance of learning how to stop obsessing about an alcoholic all of the time. Surround yourself with people who will celebrate your gifts and you will feel better about who you are. Surround yourself with people who are considered winners not whiners and you will start overcoming some of your insecurities. Make a list of the things you love to do and do them without the alcoholic.
You are not worthless. You don’t have to own everything the alcoholic says about you. In order to overcome feeling insecure in your relationship with the alcoholic, you must not let the awful, untruthful things the problem drinker says penetrate to the heart. If an alcoholic makes you feel worthless, you can overcome this by not owning everything they say as being the gospel truth about you.
Learn how to have a happier life when alcoholism is present. You can change your daily routine in order to have more happiness in your life. Think about some of the things that make you happy. What’s keeping you from doing them? Set goals to overcome obstacles. Simple things in life that are free make me happy. For instance, listening to music makes me happy. I love to walk on the beach or through the woods near my home. I also enjoy playing the guitar and singing. When I focus on things that make me happy, I will for certain get happier. If I focus on the alcoholic all of the time, well….I think it would do all of us some good to just adapt a playful attitude in all situations, just have some fun for a change.
In order to overcome feeling insure in an alcoholic relationship we need to realize that we were created to be exactly who we are. We have to understand that we were created with unique gifts and talents that only we possess. The key to overcoming feeling insecure in our relationships is learning how to feel good about ourselves apart from what others think of us. This is why detachment, letting go of the alcoholic and breaking the obsession we have with the alcoholic is so important. The sooner we can break free from the enmeshment that causes us to be so affected by everything they do, the sooner we will feel better about ourselves.
Thankyou, what a beautiful woman with wonderful words, how i would love her knowledge and intelligence x
I feel like this was meant for me today. I have been away from my xah for over a year and I still struggle with self worth. I went from feeling attractive with a good sense of fashion to feeling like I am nothing. I spent many years of building my self esteem from being the scapegoat in my family (father was a dry drunk). Only to live with my xah and end up in another hole.
This explains Just How It Happened… even with all my years of knowledge from therapy and coda support groups.
Alcoholism is a mental illness. Great article.
Wise words.never let the alcoholic make you feel less than and while being aware of their issues don’t allow their behaviors to take over your life.I have church, my spouse and writing along with encouraging friends who think well of me and that is enough most of the time.Sure I wish the relationship could be more intimate emotionally and more secure but when he doesn’t give me what I need I try and find it elsewhere.That is the only way to say sane and confident.
Wow I have so much to learn, letting go that’s what I’ve been trying to do now for several years guess I’m in Denial as much as the Alcoholic, and there are so many things that do hurt and you do start to lose all your Self Esteem especially when they blame you for their drinking. Don’t know either what you call someone who don’t drink everyday but still does a lot and doesn’t know moderation, just trying to learn and find a way to just walk away, take my life back, and not feel guilty. The ugly behavior, and violent outburst aren’t fun.
Blueys, who is it that you want to walk away from, a father, mom, spouse, co-worker or friend? If you are going to be interacting with them for a while, get educated as to how to cope with alcoholics. Posting here is a great step. I hope you have listened to the audios, signed up to receive more information and watched today’s video post on Practicing Restraint With An Alcoholic.
When I first made my husband so mad that he was shaking, I went to work packing my bags. I had this deep fear that he would get so mad that he would kick me out of his house. When you live with an alcoholic you are always in the survival mode. Try to be one step ahead with money, full tank of gas and clothes for the next day for work. This is not your typical marriage. You are living with an unstable person who cannot see anything but, what is bothering him.
gG: I was waiting on a bench in a Denny’s in PA years ago when a woman sat beside me. She whispered to me “put money in an account that only you know about”. That was it. I got it though. She must have been going through a bad divorce and was trying to warn others to protect themselves.
The alcoholic is in a world of their own. I can remember my bf yelling at me for whatever and he was standing there with a few drinks under his belt early in the day! I don’t drink. No way you can tell them about their alcohol addiction – it is a mystery how they deny having a problem.
I am in a 6 month relationship with a man who has been sober for 12 years.
His actions when we fight scare me I feel I am losing myself.
I am a strong funny and confident woman but i feel i am being pushed away from myself.
He has a 8 year old daughter, does to AA a few times a week and has the faith. We get on great and laugh and enjoy the same things but when he challenges me on something if I reply in slightly the wrong way we argue and it all gets out of hand to a point of him throwing things, breaking things, he calls me names and takes my phone.
He has never hit me and i don’t think he ever would but his level of anger scares me.
I am in love with him and believe the love is in the staying but am i ruining myself to be with him?
He is organizing for himself to go to anger management classes and wants us to go to a guidance councilor (i have agreed but worried he will use what i say back at me another time)
In arguments he tells me what i didn’t do and what I should have done, what i should say and how i should say it. He says that I always point the finger and never look at myself. This is true but i do think that the issues he says i have are ones that I would describe him as. He is a very jealous person and has told me he does not trust me. (even though i have dome everything in my power to make him trust me)
I know i must be difficult to be with and have my own nutty thoughts but no more than the usual person, i live in a shared flat in London and have a good job but lead a very unstructured life i am very easy and don’t plan things that far in advance. He is regimented and everything has a reason and a way of doing it, he lives on his own (his daughter stays a few nights a week) and has lived on his own since he was 21)
I don’t know what I’m asking for or what i want people to say. if i tell my friends they will say get out of it and look after yourself, because they want what’s best for me, but I do love him and he is a good person.
He has a good side and when we don’t fight he honestly is a wonderful, romantic and kind hearted person the trouble is we fight about once or twice a week and they last for hours.
The names calling and throwing things, his violence to himself and putting me down is not good for me.
loveisinthestayin – i knew someone in the exact same kind of relationship as you are describing. It will not get better. In fact, it’s going to get worse. I worry for his child, frankly. Get out now before you get in too deep. If you know your friends would tell you to leave because “they want whats best” for you, then that’s your answer right there. You should also want what’s best for you and he is not it.