JC: Thanks for sharing your story; I read through it twice. Our readers will answer your question about whether or not your husband is an alcoholic in the comments section. I’ve linked several articles throughout your story that will offer a few ideas for coping with an alcoholic.
Guest Post: My husband and I have been married 15 years now, second marriage for both of us. No children between us but both of us each have an adult child from previous marriages. I knew my husband drank beer before we married but never saw signs of any abuse and not until 8 years into our marriage did I think there may be a problem.
I noticed him starting to do alot of mixed drinks in addition and his doctor would not renew his prescription to an arthritis medication without a liver enzyme test so he stopped the medication and continued to drink. I mentioned to him that he might want to stop drinking so he could continue his medication without damage to his liver by doing both. I suggested some counseling services. I got the denial and then I started getting accusations of me accusing him of being an alcoholic and from that point it was down hill.
Before this even started I was told by him that his first wife had cheated on him with a friend of his and all through our marriage he continually accused me of doing the same thing to him. He accused me of stealing from him and all kinds of crazy things.
The last three years have been the worst because I have been battling some major health issues and during that time he started becoming verbally abusive (Getting Abused By An Alcoholic) and making nasty comments to me and behind my back to family and friends. He so convinced his family members that I was cheating, one sister lent him a recording device for the home phone and possibly even a spy camera.
I found a hotel room card key laying on the garage floor one day and I know he either planted it to make me mad or now he was being unfaithful. I stopped worrying about the drinking at that point and started tracking him for signs of unfaithfulness.
I did everything wrong–I confronted him everytime I found out something else he had done to me and raged. I became that “co-dependent” that I am now learning that played into his rules. His method of dealing with our problems when I broached any subject was the “silent treatment”, sometimes weeks or more at a time. And so I then became obsessed with him and stopped living my own life–another big mistake I am now trying to “unlearn” (How To Stop Focusing On An Alcoholic).
The last silent treatment is still going on to the extent he has stopped contributing money for our expenses. In addition to trying to always get me mad and angry he used money as a weapon. I decided enough was enough. After my last surgery I dropped the paperwork off to an attorney to start divorce proceedings.
And now during these last couple of weeks waiting for everything to be finalized I found charges on his credit card for escort services, phone sex chat lines totaling with approximate cost of the cash he gives directly to these escorts of $3,000 and counting. My heart is now broke completely. I knew I needed to end this marriage and get back my peace but this last was like a stab to the heart.
He’s still living in the home and blatantly calling these women and going out with them even while I was recovering from my surgery in which I had to have friends drive me that day.
I am attending Al Anon but everyone in our group has children they are dealing with so I am hanging in there but not really getting support from other members because their situation is different than mine.
My mind just keeps asking the same question over & over “Since I never saw him actually drunk, passed out, etc., I’m still not sure that his use of alcohol is the only reason for all this and maybe I am dealing with a completely different problem here”. But I guess at this point it does not matter, he crossed over the line in sand I had drawn–infidelity. I have been tolerant of so much but that just made me snap.
He actually does not know yet I filed for divorce (Overcoming Fear Of Living Without An Alcoholic) but will soon and I’m not real sure he even knows that I know about the escort services and other items because he hid that credit card bill from me–I had checked it online to discover that.
Can this all be the cause of alcohol? When he is this cunning, mean and devious, maybe I need to approach this divorce with a different mindset than blaming the alcohol for everything. It gets harder & harder waiting for things to end while I sit here and watch his antics. I had started to get my life back and going out and this last incidence with unfaithfulness has thrown me right back to “square one” and dealing with my feelings of guilt, anxiety and many many more.
Just hoping for that “light at the end of this tunnel”, staying in separate room away from him and trying to make sense of how my life became so bizzare. I so want to let his family members who help him know of all his indiscretions but being told by attorney to just “sit tight”. Feel like my hands are tied, can’t move around in my own house for fear now of his throwing out threats and nasty comments to me.
Is there a way to cope (Lessons For Coping With An Alcoholic) with this crazy situation? Moving out is not an option for me for financial reasons, although I do work, not enough to do that right now and I have no family in the area to help.
Sure hope there is an end to this craziness!