Admin (JC):
Thanks for sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear that you and your marriage are suffering due to your husband’s drinking problem. I found great support and help when I started participating in the Al-anon program. Your story reveals many of the classic character attributes seen in people when alcoholism is present, lying, abuse, split personality and many others. I identified with your spouse’s alcoholism progressively getting worse. I’ve seen the same thing happen in many alcoholics through the years. As I read your story, it’s obvious that you are caught in the grip of this horrible disease and you too are getting progressively worse. There is hope though, it’s possible to overcome being angry with an alcoholic and learn how to enjoy your life while still living with them.Here are a few articles that may help you momentarily:
- Getting Abused By An Alcoholic
- Why Can’t Alcoholics Just Stop Drinking
- Personality Of The Problem Drinker
We generally have several readers who respond with experience, strength and hope in the comments section. I’m confident that they will have a few excellent suggestions.
Guest Post: Please feel free to leave comments below the article.
I met my second husband at the gym. He was tall, muscular, and in great shape. After our first few dates, he told me that he had to move back to his parents’ house for a year because he had crashed and burned by having had to travel so much for his previous job. He mentioned “drinking wine every night alone in his hotel room” but, at the time, it did not register as alcoholism because I had never really known an alcoholic. Anyway, fast forward, and we’ve been married now for four years. My husband is a really great guy when he’s at his best. He’s very intelligent, caring, attentive to me, a great cook, good handyman around the house, and an avid reader. He performs very well at his job and fixes a lot of problems making himself invaluable to his boss because he’s so intelligent and capable. He reads so much and knows so much that he often will fix issues or problems for me or my family (ie health, home repairs, advice, etc). He has backpacked around the world, followed the Grateful Dead around the US and Europe, and loves to have a good time….and a good time, unfortunately though, mostly includes drinking.
My wonderful, smart, and caring husband is now up to between two and four bottles of wine a day. During the week, he drinks two to three bottles of wine a night, and on the weekends it can get up to between three to five bottles per day. If it’s football season, than easily more towards four to five bottles by midnight. He starts guzzling around three in the afternoon. This has been getting progressively worse over the last two years in which he now hides it around the house, sneaks out to buy more, LIES, and has secret stashes he drinks when everyone is in bed. I calculated that he spends about $400-$500 per month on cheap red wine.
My wonderful, smart, and caring husband does not stay wonderful and sweet after the second bottle. He gets edgy and negative. He starts cussing at people on TV and proclaiming how much he hates this person or that person throwing the f-word or n- word (racial slur) around in every sentence. He becomes callous and insensitive to me and laughs or becomes sarcastic like a rebellious 13 year old if I get upset about something. He truly is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He is a bonified jackass when drunk and it is very unpleasant to endure. I usually just go to bed as early as possible to miss out on all the “fun” and then wake the next morning to a low grumpy bore.
There has been physical abuse a few times. The police have been to our house twice. He has hit, choked, and kicked me and thrown things. He threw an apple so hard at my leg a few weeks ago that it left a black bruise the size of a grapefruit on the back of my thigh. I do blow up every few months, though and go for blood hissing, “You pathetic weak loser of a man….drink you loser because you can’t go through life sober like strong winners do. You’re a weak pus%$^! ” I’m not justifying the physical abuse but I do fall into a seething rage every few months which is not safe to do when he is drunk.
From JC: I thought this would be a good place to share another post with you on How To Love An Alcoholic.
The alcohol is really hurting him. He looks TERRIBLE. He has gained so much weight that he looks pregnant. His nose is red and veiny. His skin is puffy and blotchy. He has a low sex drive. His neck is sagging and fatty so has severe sleep apnea. He has sickly blue bags under his eyes. He’s been in the emergency room twice with panic attacks this year. He had to have cataract surgery last year and I read that alcohol abuse can be a factor for early onset. He’s now having chronic and severe nosebleeds and alcohol is likely the culprit as well. His nose has big broken veins on it. Not a pretty picture. He’s often in a low level depression and irritable. It is a vicious cycle of drink, get depressed and anxious, and drink to relieve those feelings.
My husband SAYS he is ready to quit drinking but talk is cheap. He has said this four or five times before. I am in the process of detaching from him. I am starting to envision a new life possibly without him. I am looking at other men and wondering what they are like. I see strong, fit men jogging in our neighborhood and I admire them. I am working out more at the gym and buying myself new clothes. I am fantasizing about what it would be like to go to my beloved Paris and stroll through the streets with someone who is more interested in the city than gobbling down bottles of its wine. I imagine sipping a coffee with this person at midnight and then strolling back to our hotel hand in hand enjoying each other and the experience. I do not envision walking nervously behind my husband as he stumbles boobishly out of some café pestering me to let him buy one more bottle for the hotel room. I do not envision waiting impatiently for his groggy self to finally roll out of bed at noon so we can go do something. I do not envision me tossing and turning all night because his loud slobbering wino snoring is keeping me and others at the hotel awake. I do not picture making love to a wine-smelly bloated man with nasty breath in Paris. I do not picture myself having fun, romance, or making sweet memories with a pregnant looking depressed fat man with wine and food stains all over his shirt in Paris.
I don’t and I won’t. Mr. Hyde sucks big time.
I see them around all the time, these men, these joggers. I can tell. I bet they would rather have a coffee at midnight than suck back another bottle. I bet they would stroll hand in hand with me back to the hotel for a good night’s sleep or something even better rather than more booze. I bet they would. You know why? These men I see, I bet they would. I bet they would because, in the morning, they would want to be up early. They would want to be up early so they could jog in the beautiful morning sunlight of Paris.
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Gotta Love Google. movie is titled “Men Don’t Tell”. I know this is the right one becasue Peter Strauss is the leading actor.
Chloe, I’ve been surrounded by alcoholics and addicts my whole life. I just cannot believe that alcohol is a full and adequate explanation for all the cruelty you have been subjected to. He is completely responsible for his actions even while drinking. Your whole family shaming him and trying to destroy whatever shred of decency he has left as a human just seems wrong to me. And so what if he stays sober until May? He could get drunk again in June or six months down the road. I think he not only needs to recover from alcoholism but also work seriously on taking responsibility for his abusiveness. The following quotes I took from Lundy Bancroft’s book.
“Alcohol provides an abuser with an excuse to freely act on his desires. After a few drinks, he turns himself loose to be as insulting or intimidating as he feels inclined to be, knowing that the next day he can say, “Hey sorry about last night, I was really trashed.”
“I have had several physically violent clients admit that they made the decision to assault their partners before they had any alcohol in their systems.” From the book, Why Does He Do That?
Here we go again….we are all free minded and freewilled people…we decide by our chosen actions or reactions what we are victim to. accountability for ourselves. I just today was witness to female close to me who, during the times of good economics “had it all”. Now the irs is 30 days from taking everything from her. I watched her spend, lunch, buy for friends, show off, belittle those without, and now she’s in jail for turning abusive towards her children because she went on a bender out of depression and burned one of them with a curling iron. Why? I didn’t find out what this ten year old did but none the less, SHE was the violent one. I’m sorry Bens right, men don’t report it and louisa you’re right men need to report it more.
Scott, it you grow up in a fundamentalist or controlling religious household or religious compound with certain messages drilled into your head and brainwashing from day one, it can become very difficult to become a “free minded and free willed people” even as an adult.
Louisa, I know. An upbringing can be just as imprisoning. But the very fact that you’re on here saying religion had its faults is evidence that you are quite capable of thinking for yourself (freemind), It’s up to you to invoke it In your life or not(freewill).
My daughter is getting her phd in psychology and is currently writing a paper on rape victims,and men’s aggression and violence. I will ask her what conclusion’s or what she has learned during her research in regards to sexual violence against women by men. She works directly with rape victims and has interviewed some perpetrators in jail. I don’t think you can leave sexual violence out of the picture in a discussion on men’s and women’s abusiveness.
Scott, I grew up with secular humanist parents, who encouraged freethought and freewill of which I am very grateful for. They taught me to question everything and read, read, read. And that I do.
Hm, I think that will be report number umpteen million on the “big bad man” front. This discussion is rooted in the abuse alcoholics invoke on their spouse, family and friends. You keep arguing the “men are worse” argument. Again, all abuse is wrong, WHO CARES WHO DOES IT MORE. It’s a problem that affects men AND woman and is an ongoing battle for all.
Louisa, I don’t know about secular this and titles that. I was raised to use common sense, and be nice til its time to not be nice, LOL. Titles don’t mean anything to.me. I just know that when I’m being punched kicked and insulted by the woman I loved, at the time, I know there’s a certain amount I will take and I’d had enough and now she’s history. It’s up to me to find my peace again.
Just because I mentioned rape? It seems valid to me as part of the discussion. Do you think rape by men should NOT be included in the abuse by alcoholics? How much rape is fueled by alcoholism? A lot I bet.
Scott, I’m glad you got out of that situation. I agree that was an intolerable situation.
Louisa, any common sense person knows that someone can be raped by someone who’s drunk…here again, will she be doing the paper solely on men on woman rape, or will she be doing a paper on the subject itself? Yes louisa female on male rape does happen…gushed your own reaction when you picture that and bend point is proven.
Sorry gushed should have read guage….
oh come on scott, seriously? i dont think there would be that much material on which to write the paper
that was nice laura and thought provoking
“Oh come on” louisa you have just proven bend statement with that on reaction.
that’s right scott, i can just picture the drunk agressive woman using her physical strength to over power the man and rape him. i’m sure it happens all the time.
Still happens somewhere louisa. Your still not seeing the point I’m making. No matter who does it more, its existence is still the abomination.
So when did I ever say it was ok for anyone to abuse, male or female? I need to sign off but it has been a pleasure chatting with you and very interesting.
God bless and watch over your every step louisa…stay safe.
We should have meetings or something, like Al Anon. Where does everyone live? I’m in Boston, soon to be Minneapolis.
Dallas, Texas lol
God Bless Texas!! lol. Julie, I LOVE Lifetime movies!!! Drives my wife crazy, lol. I actually looked for that title in our cable’s On Demand ordering menu, but it’s not there. I’ll have to keep my eye out for it.
I am in Ohio. Online meetings with this group sound great. I take great support just from these chats and forums I read here. Al Anon does have online meetings. I have attended a couple in the past.
Connecticut, I’m in
Northern Central, Illinois.
)
Connecticut? How far from Boston…we only moved here a year ago, so I know certain parts of connecticut are close. we should meet for drinks! lol lol. how ironic would that be?
@ Ben – LOL! Use that line on all your Recovery sites? About 2 1/2 hours, depending on how heavy your foot is and how well you can navigate Providence (RI) ….
lol!!! no, no…I’m a good christian boy with an evil sense of humor
Dangerous combination
Well here’s another update. I posted earlier about the night I found him drinking at 3 am. The other day, we were driving somewhere in his car, and I heard a rattling noise, and he wondered aloud what it could be. It kind of struck me, and later that day, I opened the back door of the car to see what it could have been. I didn’t see anything, and I checked under the seats and found nothing, and so shrugged it off. It still struck me as odd because the sound seemed to come from inside the back seat. Well, this triggered my codependent obsessive behavior of frantically searching the house and his car, and I found a secret compartment in the trunk. I opened it and there was nothing there. Relief. Yesterday, as I walked past his car again, I had another urge to check. I again opened the back door and just stared for a minute thinking of that rattling noise in the back seat. I started messing and tugging around the the actual seat, and suddenly the cushion raised up, and lo and behold there are these secret compartments underneath. My heart was pounding, and I opened one of them, and yes there was a small box of wine. I thought, okay, maybe that has been there for awhile. The next day, I went out to the car again, and checked and that box was gone. This tells me he is currently drinking drinking again. The rattling noise a few days before sounded like glass as in a bottle of wine. That is what I heard, but he removed it and replaced it with that box.
Well, I’m really not that upset. I’m really learning the hard truth that these alcoholics are going to go where they are going to go. There is no stopping it until they decide to change. The intervention after effects worked for a little while, but he’s back to giving it another go in thinking he surely can be moderate. I was naive and foolish to have been so overly hopeful.
Now I feel once again on hyper alert and like I am babysitting him. This is no way to live. Tired. I have to stay here through May to finish up a contract I’m working. The only answer is detaching from him
while still here, and just focusing on myself and the kids. If I’ve ever had to trust in God, it is now.
What a strange life this is living with an alcoholic. It definitely is a HUGE and very real threat to the sober one’s mental health
.
Chloe,
That really sucks Chloe…you’re right, it really is no way to live. If he’s turned to hiding it that well and you have to hint for it, then he’s been doing it the whole time. You just happened to wake up to the rattling.
I just have to disagree on one phrase you used though: obsessive. I call it gut feeling. Hasn’t steered wrong yet. Big hugs to you Chloe, I wish you the best when you do leave. Just prepare for the nasty phase I’m going through fight…emotional detox…its a killer. Hugs.
Good sleuthing, Chloe!
And a good reminder that “We didn’t cause it; we can’t CONTROL it; and we can’t cure it” We can, however, work/practice our own RECOVERY program … One Day At A Time … and with the tools and support found in Al-Anon our days can be good, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not … all the best ~
Chloe,
I know what you went through is awful and painful….but hilarious!!! I had the same experience when she “quit drinking.” All of a sudden she was getting hung up at work late every night…then I opened the backdoor to her car and one night she had forgotten the beer caps in the little handle cut out in the door “cling! cling! cling!” They are much more resourceful and much smarter than us sober people. Don’t be fooled.
As far as my situation, I tried to give it a mental “go” by moving to where my company is headquartered and buying a nice house. However, a couple more adverse events reawakened me to the fact that this is now way to live, and I withdrew the offer and am back to Plan A. It’s incredibly hard when there are kids involved (one beautiful 2 year old girl). However, besides working 20-30 hours per week as a nurse, the apartment is a super mess and bordering on health department condemnation, she spends $10 each shift on cafeteria food, spends $8 per day parking in her hospital’s customer lot because she doesn’t want to take a shuttle, spends $10 per day on beer, $5 per day on caffeine to offset the beer, and a couple of hidden fast food episodes every day. Regardless of how much you make, this adds up to $1200 very selfish, very self centered, anti family ways for a woman and mother to act. Ladies on this Website, am I wrong? Am I being too critical? Am I nitpicking? I do not think I am, but you know how they get you doubting your own thoughts.
Anyhow, I just want my life back, and dare I say…maybe a “normal” relationship?
Scott, yeah you’re right, we do get a sixth sense for detecting it. I know what you mean about the nasty phase of trying to extricate yourself from their life. It’s basically like a death of sorts…death of hopes, dreams, love, and an envisioned future. It is death of that person in your life. Tough painful times are ahead, no doubt, if this train keeps rambling on to where I think it’s going. No getting around that one.
I thought I was doing okay until I got to work and those feelings of deep sadness and heartsickness set in. Those are a killer too
One day at a time. Breathe, breathe, breathe.
Ben, your wife’s financial irresponsibility and trashed home sounds like the unfortunate fallout of her ever foggy brain, lack of self discipline and motivation, and very low energy mostly resulting from her alcoholism. It’s the same with how my once fit husband descended into being slovenly and out of shape. Alcohol is a depressant, and has that overall effect. Sadly, my hubby had worked hard and gotten back into much better shape since January but with that crap now hidden in the car….ugghh.
Thanks Laura, for your wise words. One day at a time absolutely!
Ben,
You are not being critical or nitpicking. You’re being honest about what is going on in your home. This is no way for you to live and certainly must be miserable for your precious daughter. Only God can restore to you and her what you both have been robbed of by alcoholism. Please go to Al-anon for the wonderful information they give and to get insight on ways to deal with the whirlwind you are caught up in. Your little one needs love, stability and protection from the crazy-making life of the alcoholic. God bless you as you take steps to better your life.
It was also my experience that when awareness cracked the shell of my old reality, I did travel a corridor of “death”/grief, etc … which eventually emerged into rooms of new life and expanded awareness …
Yes, Ben, I second what Diana said. Do anything and everything you can to protect your innocent precious daughter from being hurt or damaged in any way from this insanity. The protection of our children is number one priority.
In my case, I am going to move right near my parents, and let my dad who ADORES his grandkids step in as a father figure. My son really needs a good stable male role model, and my dad knows how to raise boys into good men. They have a closed relationship already. So do the same for your girl, Ben. Try to figure out the best situation for her so she can grow up healthy, safe, and loved by healthy people in her family. We can’t let our kiddos down!
I meant close relationship….
I hate when its a nice day. I hate it because .ice days make me feel good. When I feel good, I let my guard down and start being more nice. When i feel nice, I tend to forgive easier, when i forgive easier, I forgive her and second guess myself, when I second guess myself the. Next time she contacts me I’m not Eris to her and we are civil, when we are civil we talk more. When we talk more I forget she’s drunk by a certain time and sayin.g drunk things that are mush buttons and I visit, we spend the night together and I’m back there the next day and it starts over and I’m back out herd eventually. Thus is my pattern. God I’m sick.
Scott, I’ve been thinking and doing the same thing.Exact same things. And of course, I’d
wanted a real relationship, so I have hope inside my heart to have that and it isnt there.
At least in a safe way.
I know, I know, Scott. You’re preaching to the choir with me. These alcoholics we love are like our drug. Love and sex create a bond in the brain, and it is very difficult and painful to eliminate it that pair bond. Breaking up can create emotional agony. Helen Fisher has some good books detailing the science behind it. Hugs
I know someone will say “don’t talk the next time….” But unfortunately were at the start of the divorce and since we built nothing together we have nothing to split and no kids are involved, so you would think walah quick divorce. Nope she’s holding out. All we have to pay is 241 bucks which we agreed to split, go in front of the judge and that’s it. I have my half but can’t afford the whole thing right now and she’s saying she doesn’t have it due to other happenings (she always seems to have soooo muchh going on when were apart yet is house monk when were together). Ugh…
Hugs back Chloe…thanks.
Isn’t it funny how they don’t have money for certain things, but always have money for booze??? Their car could be out of gas, but somehow there is always beer in the fridge….or under the car seat. Sorry Chloe….laughing WITH you
.
Exactly Ben…When I left, her car was 3 months behind on payments, her bank account was 800 in the hole, yet there was an 18 pack of beer in the fridge every day at 4:15p, and a case at noon Saturday and a case by noon on Sundays…she always said I was selfish and a control freak with my paychecks, yet the bills were paid, dogs were healthy, food was in the cabinets. She was, I believe, pissed because I wasn’t bailing her out financially on her end. You see I one day said I wanted nothing to do with her beer. It was her job and to not even ask me to pick it up for her. of course there were times at night when I had to due to her being too drunk to drive and I wasn’t only looking out for her but I wasn’t going to take a chance on her hurting or killing someone else just in hopes she was pulled over for d.u.i.
Wow Scott!!! Same darn thing as my situation! It’s scary!!! Bud Light? the commercials are so fun and glamorous, aren’t they? I wonder how much beer they would sell if the commercials showed broken families, hurt children, DUIs, messy houses, ruined finances, and early death???
Scott,
When you were together, did she promise that if it came down to your marriage or beer, of course she would choose your marriage (like a no brainer). Have you been clear the divorce is a result of her alcoholism and her refusal to get help? Did it make her drinking better or worse since the divorce proceedings? Let me guess, the couple of times you did try to get others involved (like an intervention) she tried to convince everyone you were a lunatic, crazy, etc?
Lol Ben, not bud light, first it was colder light bottles, now its mgd 64. She switched because
the 64 is lower in alcove content. I guess this was compromise to my asking her to quit, yet she just drank more to get drunk. Lol. Quite amazing how robotic addicts get huh? Like program was downloaded In their brains.
Ben sorry that was supposed to be Coors light bottles (darn auto word on the phone got me lol). Anyway, Yeah I left there being accused of being the hotheaded temperamental one because I was standing up for my self. She totally turned it around to where I was the overbearing mean man that was trying to oppress the little woman crap. Do you know how hard it is to fight what the main stream thinks these days? Anyway, her friends sucked it up and before I knew it I was the verbally abusive mean man that she was to be gotten rid of because of the “one day hes going to kill you” fear factor. I just couldn’t believe it, she manipulated our life into a lifetime movie special with her online friends. That’s actually when I knew I had to get the hell out of there before I ended up in jail…as far her choosing marriage over beer, I didn’t give that ultimatum until the end. Shed had her following of saviors, support and all the things a REAL victim of abuse had (yet none of them knew she was an alcoholic because they were all online friends) so I knew she’d choose the drinking over me cause now she had people who cared for her and would check on her so she didn’t need me anymore. She always tries to regulate her drinking when Im gone until the next guy comes along and then wham-mo she unloads on that guy and the next thing he knows, hes me. Thats when her and I start talking again and the pattern repeats itself….what a sick frickin world huh?