Admin (JC):
Thanks for sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear that you and your marriage are suffering due to your husbands drinking problem. I found great support and help when I started participating in the Al-anon program. Your story reveals many of the classic character attributes seen in people when alcoholism is present, lying, abuse, split personality and many others. I identified with your spouse’s alcoholism progressively getting worse. I’ve seen the same thing happen in many Alcoholics through the years. As I read your story, it’s obvious that you are caught in the grip of this horrible disease and you too are getting progressively worse. There is hope though, it’s possible to overcome being angry with an alcoholic and learn how to live life with them.Here are a few articles that may help you momentarily:
- Getting Abused By An Alcoholic
- Why Can’t Alcoholics Just Stop Drinking
- Personality Of The Problem Drinker
We generally have several readers who respond with experience, strength and hope in the comments section. I’m confident that they will have a few excellent suggestions.
Guest Post: Please feel free to leave comments below the article.
I met my second husband at the gym. He was tall, muscular, and in great shape. After our first few dates, he told me that he had to move back to his parents’ house for a year because he had crashed and burned by having had to travel so much for his previous job. He mentioned “drinking wine every night alone in his hotel room” but, at the time, it did not register as alcoholism because I had never really known an alcoholic. Anyway, fast forward, and we’ve been married now for four years. My husband is a really great guy when he’s at his best. He’s very intelligent, caring, attentive to me, a great cook, good handyman around the house, and an avid reader. He performs very well at his job and fixes a lot of problems making himself invaluable to his boss because he’s so intelligent and capable. He reads so much and knows so much that he often will fix issues or problems for me or my family (ie health, home repairs, advice, etc). He has backpacked around the world, followed the Grateful Dead around the US and Europe, and loves to have a good time….and a good time, unfortunately though, mostly includes drinking.
My wonderful, smart, and caring husband is now up to between two and four bottles of wine a day. During the week, he drinks two to three bottles of wine a night, and on the weekends it can get up to between three to five bottles per day. If it’s football season, than easily more towards four to five bottles by midnight. He starts guzzling around three in the afternoon. This has been getting progressively worse over the last two years in which he now hides it around the house, sneaks out to buy more, LIES, and has secret stashes he drinks when everyone is in bed. I calculated that he spends about $400-$500 per month on cheap red wine.
My wonderful, smart, and caring husband does not stay wonderful and sweet after the second bottle. He gets edgy and negative. He starts cussing at people on TV and proclaiming how much he hates this person or that person throwing the f-word or n- word (racial slur) around in every sentence. He becomes callous and insensitive to me and laughs or becomes sarcastic like a rebellious 13 year old if I get upset about something. He truly is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He is a bonified jackass when drunk and it is very unpleasant to endure. I usually just go to bed as early as possible to miss out on all the “fun” and then wake the next morning to a low grumpy bore.
There has been physical abuse a few times. The police have been to our house twice. He has hit, choked, and kicked me and thrown things. He threw an apple so hard at my leg a few weeks ago that it left a black bruise the size of a grapefruit on the back of my thigh. I do blow up every few months, though and go for blood hissing, “You pathetic weak loser of a man….drink you loser because you can’t go through life sober like strong winners do. You’re a weak pus%$^! ” I’m not justifying the physical abuse but I do fall into a seething rage every few months which is not safe to do when he is drunk.
From JC: I thought this would be a good place to share another post with you on How To Love An Alcoholic.
The alcohol is really hurting him. He looks TERRIBLE. He has gained so much weight that he looks pregnant. His nose is red and veiny. His skin is puffy and blotchy. He has a low sex drive. His neck is sagging and fatty so has severe sleep apnea. He has sickly blue bags under his eyes. He’s been in the emergency room twice with panic attacks this year. He had to have cataract surgery last year and I read that alcohol abuse can be a factor for early onset. He’s now having chronic and severe nosebleeds and alcohol is likely the culprit as well. His nose has big broken veins on it. Not a pretty picture. He’s often in a low level depression and irritable. It is a vicious cycle of drink, get depressed and anxious, and drink to relieve those feelings.
My husband SAYS he is ready to quit drinking but talk is cheap. He has said this four or five times before. I am in the process of detaching from him. I am starting to envision a new life possibly without him. I am looking at other men and wondering what they are like. I see strong, fit men jogging in our neighborhood and I admire them. I am working out more at the gym and buying myself new clothes. I am fantasizing about what it would be like to go to my beloved Paris and stroll through the streets with someone who is more interested in the city than gobbling down bottles of its wine. I imagine sipping a coffee with this person at midnight and then strolling back to our hotel hand in hand enjoying each other and the experience. I do not envision walking nervously behind my husband as he stumbles boobishly out of some café pestering me to let him buy one more bottle for the hotel room. I do not envision waiting impatiently for his groggy self to finally roll out of bed at noon so we can go do something. I do not envision me tossing and turning all night because his loud slobbering wino snoring is keeping me and others at the hotel awake. I do not picture making love to a wine-smelly bloated man with nasty breath in Paris. I do not picture myself having fun, romance, or making sweet memories with a pregnant looking depressed fat man with wine and food stains all over his shirt in Paris.
I don’t and I won’t. Mr. Hyde sucks big time.
I see them around all the time, these men, these joggers. I can tell. I bet they would rather have a coffee at midnight than suck back another bottle. I bet they would stroll hand in hand with me back to the hotel for a good night’s sleep or something even better rather than more booze. I bet they would. You know why? These men I see, I bet they would. I bet they would because, in the morning, they would want to be up early. They would want to be up early so they could jog in the beautiful morning sunlight of Paris.
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Gotta Love Google. movie is titled “Men Don’t Tell”. I know this is the right one becasue Peter Strauss is the leading actor.
Chloe, I’ve been surrounded by alcoholics and addicts my whole life. I just cannot believe that alcohol is a full and adequate explanation for all the cruelty you have been subjected to. He is completely responsible for his actions even while drinking. Your whole family shaming him and trying to destroy whatever shred of decency he has left as a human just seems wrong to me. And so what if he stays sober until May? He could get drunk again in June or six months down the road. I think he not only needs to recover from alcoholism but also work seriously on taking responsibility for his abusiveness. The following quotes I took from Lundy Bancroft’s book.
“Alcohol provides an abuser with an excuse to freely act on his desires. After a few drinks, he turns himself loose to be as insulting or intimidating as he feels inclined to be, knowing that the next day he can say, “Hey sorry about last night, I was really trashed.”
“I have had several physically violent clients admit that they made the decision to assault their partners before they had any alcohol in their systems.” From the book, Why Does He Do That?
Here we go again….we are all free minded and freewilled people…we decide by our chosen actions or reactions what we are victim to. accountability for ourselves. I just today was witness to female close to me who, during the times of good economics “had it all”. Now the irs is 30 days from taking everything from her. I watched her spend, lunch, buy for friends, show off, belittle those without, and now she’s in jail for turning abusive towards her children because she went on a bender out of depression and burned one of them with a curling iron. Why? I didn’t find out what this ten year old did but none the less, SHE was the violent one. I’m sorry Bens right, men don’t report it and louisa you’re right men need to report it more.
Scott, it you grow up in a fundamentalist or controlling religious household or religious compound with certain messages drilled into your head and brainwashing from day one, it can become very difficult to become a “free minded and free willed people” even as an adult.
Louisa, I know. An upbringing can be just as imprisoning. But the very fact that you’re on here saying religion had its faults is evidence that you are quite capable of thinking for yourself (freemind), It’s up to you to invoke it In your life or not(freewill).
My daughter is getting her phd in psychology and is currently writing a paper on rape victims,and men’s aggression and violence. I will ask her what conclusion’s or what she has learned during her research in regards to sexual violence against women by men. She works directly with rape victims and has interviewed some perpetrators in jail. I don’t think you can leave sexual violence out of the picture in a discussion on men’s and women’s abusiveness.
Scott, I grew up with secular humanist parents, who encouraged freethought and freewill of which I am very grateful for. They taught me to question everything and read, read, read. And that I do.
Hm, I think that will be report number umpteen million on the “big bad man” front. This discussion is rooted in the abuse alcoholics invoke on their spouse, family and friends. You keep arguing the “men are worse” argument. Again, all abuse is wrong, WHO CARES WHO DOES IT MORE. It’s a problem that affects men AND woman and is an ongoing battle for all.
Louisa, I don’t know about secular this and titles that. I was raised to use common sense, and be nice til its time to not be nice, LOL. Titles don’t mean anything to.me. I just know that when I’m being punched kicked and insulted by the woman I loved, at the time, I know there’s a certain amount I will take and I’d had enough and now she’s history. It’s up to me to find my peace again.
Just because I mentioned rape? It seems valid to me as part of the discussion. Do you think rape by men should NOT be included in the abuse by alcoholics? How much rape is fueled by alcoholism? A lot I bet.
Scott, I’m glad you got out of that situation. I agree that was an intolerable situation.
Louisa, any common sense person knows that someone can be raped by someone who’s drunk…here again, will she be doing the paper solely on men on woman rape, or will she be doing a paper on the subject itself? Yes louisa female on male rape does happen…gushed your own reaction when you picture that and bend point is proven.
Sorry gushed should have read guage….
… gotta love these men
http://www.flickspire.com/m/iaaw/DearWoman …
oh come on scott, seriously? i dont think there would be that much material on which to write the paper
that was nice laura and thought provoking
“Oh come on” louisa you have just proven bend statement with that on reaction.
that’s right scott, i can just picture the drunk agressive woman using her physical strength to over power the man and rape him. i’m sure it happens all the time.
Still happens somewhere louisa. Your still not seeing the point I’m making. No matter who does it more, its existence is still the abomination.
So when did I ever say it was ok for anyone to abuse, male or female? I need to sign off but it has been a pleasure chatting with you and very interesting.
God bless and watch over your every step louisa…stay safe.
We should have meetings or something, like Al Anon. Where does everyone live? I’m in Boston, soon to be Minneapolis.
Dallas, Texas lol
God Bless Texas!! lol. Julie, I LOVE Lifetime movies!!! Drives my wife crazy, lol. I actually looked for that title in our cable’s On Demand ordering menu, but it’s not there. I’ll have to keep my eye out for it.
I am in Ohio. Online meetings with this group sound great. I take great support just from these chats and forums I read here. Al Anon does have online meetings. I have attended a couple in the past.
Connecticut, I’m in
Northern Central, Illinois.
)
Connecticut? How far from Boston…we only moved here a year ago, so I know certain parts of connecticut are close. we should meet for drinks! lol lol. how ironic would that be?
@ Ben – LOL! Use that line on all your Recovery sites? About 2 1/2 hours, depending on how heavy your foot is and how well you can navigate Providence (RI) ….