JC: While reading this young mother’s story, I saw continued signs of alcoholism being present in her boyfriend. He tries to quit drinking and relapses. He has a regular pattern of staying out in bars while his girlfriend cares for their family. There’s lying, abandonment, manipulation, DUI charges, repetitive relationship breakups/makeups and much more. The girlfriend is constantly giving and he is always taking. She is loyal and he is disloyal.
I have listed several article links at the end of her story that will help momentarily. As always, I recommend getting involved in Al-anon as soon as possible. Readers, I hope you will take some time and offer your experience, strength and hope in the comments section below the article.
Guest Post: Girlfriend Shares About Alcoholic Boyfriend
Wow is all I have to say. Just had a rough morning with my Alcoholic boyfriend that I have been with for 5 years and have two kids and was searching for things on Youtube to give me some hope and I found this website. Listening to JC was like listening to someone who was living in my house with me and saw what I go through day after day.
When I first met my boyfriend I was only 18 and he was 20. He seemed like a nice guy. He drank back then, but more social. He was into harder drugs and I didn’t like that at all, but who was I to judge? He had been in trouble with the law and had already had a dui. Me being young just looked past it because he was so nice. So we continued to date.
After we had our son the drugs seemed to fade out, but the drinking came on full force. We didn’t live together for a while so I was always worried about him and the drinking staying out all night and ignoring my son and I. He would make up excuses why we couldn’t see each other and why he wouldn’t want to see our son. He revolved his life around friends and drinking and other women. So I finally said I was done and over it and we stayed away for a few months. Then he started up with the drinking and drugs while we were apart.
Some things went down more fights and making up just a constant cycle until I moved out of my parents and got my own place. We started talking again and he wanted to make things work and be a family. So we moved in with each other. It was great at 1st, then the drinking and going out started. He would take my car and go out all hours of the night leaving me and my son alone. I would cry and wonder why he didn’t want to spend time with me. What was wrong with me. All while my son needed me and I took care of him, but all the love that I was trying to give my boyfriend should have went to my son.
I worked full time at two jobs and he worked at a bar part time having a little one the house is hard to keep up with sometimes and he would just nag and yell and tell me how nasty the house is when he was home all the time! So we went month after month of him leaving me to go hang out with friends and drink and come home puking and sleeping in until noon.
Anytime I would say anything it turned into a fight. I would get so mad that I would I want to just punch him for the mean things he would say to me, when all I was doing was working and paying bills and taking care of the baby. He had even lost his job while we were living together and it was so much on me, but I was the bad one because I couldn’t cope.
Then we had a patch were things were going good and we loved each other and decided to have another baby! (not a good idea… love my daughter to death but it was not a happy time). My whole pregnancy with my daughter and my pregnancy with my son were so stressful. During my first pregnancy, I had pre eclampsia. My boyfriend wasn’t even there for the birth…
Anyway, with my daughter he would go out drinking to clubs and all sorts of places and said I couldn’t go because I was pregnant all while I worked 16 hour days and he work 4 hour days and went out all night. Telling me everything that he felt was wrong with me because someone at the bar had been nice to him. Whenever he starts feeling bad about himself it’s always my fault. Then I had my daughter and that was a happy time he was actually there for her birth, but had been out drinking that night as well, but he was functioning.
Then the day came to take the baby home and he was drinking a jager in the hospital room that he had snuck in. Which is something he does all the time. We took the baby home. Of course, a new baby is very stressful. So he found plenty of chances to leave and go get drunk.
So about 5 months after I had my daughter, I took my kids one morning after my boyfriend had been drinking whiskey all day and was sloppy…so sloppy it scared me. The next morning after locking him out, I packed everything up and left… thank goodness I only had one more month left on my lease. So we moved in with my parents and things were good except that he stayed in my apartment while I paid the bills. Then of course like always being apart he missed me and I did not like living back with my parents because I felt like I was going backwards.
We made up and made plans to move back in with each other. My parents were so upset. They had done so much for me and my kids, for me to go back was like a slap in the face.
Well one night I knew he had been drinking and we were talking on the phone and he wanted to come see me. His mother had given him a van since our car wasn’t the best. It was getting late and I told him I would see him tomorrow, but he didn’t listen. He went out and drove the van and low and behold got pulled over…. second offence dui! Of course, since we were on good terms, I stuck by him those 45 days because I thought this might change him. I took all the money I had saved and took out a loan so we could get a place and together again.
He was real remorseful in jail, said he was done drinking, blah blah blah… When he got out, he did great, at least until his family, who are also drinkers had a birthday party. My boyfriend figured he could just have one beer… that was a fight between us… in which I looked like the over acting jerk again. That one beer turned into about 10 and it started all over again… it is now to the point it has not even been a year yet and he is worse than before. I did so much to get our lives back and he threw it in my face. I did not get a birthday or a Christmas gift from him. I bought all the gifts he gave to his family.
This is not the person I know. Looking into his eyes, its like looking at a stranger. He is so empty and only talks about killing himself and how I don’t do anything right. I feel so unloved. Anyways that is just a few things I have gone through. I will try those tips. They sound very helpful, but I don’t know if this one will work out. I feel like I’m being used and abused and its hard to keep your mouth shut when you know you try so hard. I love him so much but the drinker is a stranger I despise.
Please feel free to comment below.
Admin:
Thanks for submitting this story. After reading everything in great detail, from the courtship to your boyfriend doing jail time for two DUI’s, I am convinced that he is demonstrating alcoholic behavior. The AA program teaches that once an alcoholic relapses that they go right back to where they were prior to quitting. I hope you will take time to read your own story. I think you will see your situation a lot more clearly by doing so.A few suggested articles for you:
Detaching From An Alcoholic-Read the entire article and all of the comments.
Insanity Associated With Alcoholism
Taking Care Of Ourselves When Alcoholism Is Present
Coping With An Alcoholic Spouse
Dear Guest Poster,
I don’t say this often as I believe in trying to make a relationship work in the most trying of circumstances when one is an active alcoholic. I say OMG, get yourself away from him. No good will come of it while you keep getting back with him. It’s turned into a pattern. Accept the support of your loving parents. Lucky you to have them. And run to Alanon. You will find all the support you need there to help you get through and over all this. Persist in your visits to Alanon even if you can’t see the benefit on your first visit. God willing you will.
You are young and need all the support you can find to sort yourself and your kids lives out. I am holding you in my thoughts to find your way through the quagmire and out into the sunshine of life again.
Young lady, run don’t walk away. He has to help himself & you are to young to go any further with him. Run, run, he will drag you down with him.
Guest poster,
I have lived what you’re describing and felt the pain and sadness from an alcoholic husband and an emotionally abusive father so I know what I’m talking about as a wife and a child living in that nightmare. Please pray daily to God for wisdom and courage and ask Him for help. Without God we are weak. Go to Al-anon and listen. Begin to focus on your precious children and yourself. Surround yourself and the children with people who love you and who you love. This is so emotionally healthy and important. Reach out to people. Be thankful and speak of things you’re grateful for as that helps to heal your soul. Forgive yourself for making a mistake and then do the next right thing. Take one day at a time. Life can be peaceful and loving but we must be very careful with who we choose to let into our lives. You and your precious children are in my prayers. God bless you!
Guest Poster, I am reminded of how much of “my” time and money has been wasted on my ex-alcoholic girlfriend. I have read so many things on this website that have helped me see how insane my life had become.
I started attending Al-anon after hearing it suggested so many times in some of the comment areas on this site. It has really helped me see how crazy I had become.
Now that I am in recovery, my life is MUCH calmer. Since we broke up a few months ago, she is continually trying to win me back. I have learned how to detach and to set boundaries to protect myself from getting hurt anymore by her.
I hope you find the happiness and peace that you deserve for you and your children soon. As long as you continue trying to cope with your boyfriend on your own, you will be miserable. Find some help soon. Perhaps today would be a good time to start Al-non.
Hoping all the best for you, your son and daughter.
Your situation sounds very very difficult at this point. You are under ENORMOUS stress and strain trying to work, care for your children, and deal with his extreme dysfunction. You cannot sustain this very rough life as it will do you in. Your health and sanity could be severely affected after years of this, and your children need a sane and well mother. Motherhood is VERY VERY challenging and your boyfriend is making it 1000 times harder on you with his immaturity and alcoholism. I am married to an alcoholic (who is a royal pain when he drinks) too but he is very functional. He helps around the house, cooks, helps clean, and provides. He has a good steady career and we own a nice home. (But am planning to leave in May if he resumes drinking because his drunk behavior is intolerable.) This boyfriend is offering you nothing but trouble after trouble….no money, nice house, help, etc. Unless there is a radical change, I would make plans to leave with the hope of starting a fresh new life. It might be wise to suck it up, move in with your parents, and save as much money as possible for your future (education, home, etc). It’s not ideal to live with parents but at least you will be around saner people who can help you with childcare and you can start saving money which is CRUCIAL. So far, this guy is just sucking the life right out of you….a very rotten deal FOR YOU!
I can relate to your thoughts and feelings. Living with an alcoholic for 18 years and 3 kids later is not easy. Even though he has stopped drinking, I still find myself waiting for the moment to return. Please look at yourself in mirror and ask yourself if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Ask yourself if this is something you want for your children. Tell yourself over and over again that it is not your fault for the way he decides to live his life. That will give you encouragement to start becoming your own person. Wish you well, and blessings. This is going to be a very difficult time but there is happiness at the end of the road.
Dear girl, get tough, grown a backbone and leave your “boyfriend” in the gutter where he’s most comfortable. You have the right to choose to do whatever you want with your life, but you don’t have the right to force your innocent children to have to live with or deal with a drunk. Save yourself and leave him to live or die being a drunk. Alcoholic sounds so much like a medical term. Sorry drunk is what he and all like him are. You’ll see my comments in the Detaching posts. You cannot save him, nor should you want to. You have other responsibilities that are your priority – yourself and your children. You sound like a sweet, giving, loving person. Why would you throw that away to deal with the likes of this BOY who wants to blame you because he doesn’t have the guts to be a man? His talk about killing himself is just that. Why aren’t you madder than hell that he had the b*lls to blame you for his failings, took advantage and took for granted your hard work, and the eternal lies he told and will continue to tell you? There is nothing of love in this man’s heart or soul. Measure how he treats you with the stories of God’s love for us. You’ll see how miserably your BOYfriend fails to even come close to what love really is. I keep stressing BOY, because you are not dealing with a man. A real man does none of the things your boyfriend does. Cut him off, figure out why you chose him and stuck by him for so long, and don’t make the same mistake again and again of trying to be all to any other person. If you’re willing to work 2 jobs, let it be for you and for your children. Want better things and a better life for the 3 of you. No man or any other person will ever be able to fill the need you have for love. You’re much better and stronger than you know. Trust your instincts and never allow yourself to get into such a place in your life again. You are a child of God, and He only wants the best for you. BOYfriend is NOT it. God bless you in your journey away from the madness.
hey guys it me the poster its nice to know that other ppl know what im going through and there are ppl on my side out there thanks for all the advice i will try it all. my children are my world and everything is for them. i have put him on the back burner he is still staying with us but we are just civil he goes out to drink and sleeps in another room. he does not like me ignoring him but i have to do what i have to. i must say though the drinking has slowed down… for now but cant let my guard down
If person have had drinking problem in the past there is no chance to take only one beer, one shot or one whatever alcoholic.
Don’t know how you should act in this situation but I think he needs some medical treatment or professional help otherwise he can’t fight this habit on his own and you are wasting your nerves, time and energy and his problem while you could enjoy your life.
The Girl:
you need to take yourself and your childen away for life from the no-gooder. He is going to weazle his way back in. Alcoholics are great manipulators and you won’t even realise it’s happening until it’s too late and you’re back to where you started with the begininning of this post here on this site. You’re going around in a circle while he is anywhere near you and your kids. It’s not a healthy environment for the kids or you. Take yourself away and please please please see the logic, sanity and reason for doing so and start afresh with your life. Someone new and deserving will pop in one day when you least expect it. But not him. He’s isn’t for you. He’s nothing but bad news. I can’t see him getting better for any reason or for anyone. Your two kids will have enough love and you can share your attention with them. Kids are fabulous for filling in the love void until that someone new, special and deserving steps in.
By the time you read this post, ask yourself, “have I done the full circle with my boyfriend?” I’m sure you know the answer. I’m hedging my bets that you are back to base one already. Only answer is to walk away and run the life and love you want elsewhere.
Holding you and your kids in my thoughts and prayers. Much love, C
get out now!!!!!
i lost my children being in an alcoholic dysfunction relationship. my childrens father took them from me. i now thank God my children are safe and well. i didnt let go of the drunk and he has destroyed me to the extent i am alone and in treatment, if have been raped mentally and physically by the drunk and to this day he is drunk but i now have my own flat 100 miles from him but still in trouble but i am trying to help myself, it is hard this is why you must leave now before it goes any further. there are men out there, if you need one, which you really dont, who will treat you like a princess and your children like angels. please listen
The Girl:I hate to say run, run as fast as you can, but that is what my heart is telling me. I have lived with an abuser and alcoholic for 20 years and it has not been fair to me or my children and the last few years it has gotten intolerable. I finally had him kicked out for domestic violence and all his chances are gone. I am not taking him back and he is doing nothing but trying to hurt us. We currently have no income from him and he and his lawyer are dragging out any hearings or not showing up for any that will force him to pay some temporary support during our divorce. Yet he claims he just wants to take care of his children. Actions speak louder than words. And I am sure God is on our side and my husband will eventually have to pay for his actions. But right now even though we are hurting financially we are so much better off without him and his abuse and his alcoholism. I was in your place years ago and look what it came to. All the leaving and coming back and hoping things could get better. In my case he is not just an alcoholic but an abuser and they are two different issues. But I am sure your situation would play out the same. Leave your heart and mind open to him if you wish, but leave first and make him change first before even thinking about taking him back. And try not to be fooled by the lies.
Please listen to everyone on this post because we all have lived with an alcoholic. I was married to an alcoholic for 26 yrs., finally got a divorce after I justified my life away for him. Today he owns 2 businesses that I helped fund and he has defaulted on his divorce decree. He has no ability to love or care for me or his 2 adult children. He is a pathetic loser. At age 62 he is the same person I met 28 yrs. ago. It’s a brain abnormality. Please take good care of yourself and your child.