Infidelity By An Unfaithful Alcoholic

Sad WomanWhen we are involved in a codependant relationship with an alcoholic it can be devastating when we discover that there are signs that they may be being unfaithful. Signs of infidelity come in many different forms. Irregardless of what indicators are present, most alcoholics are already being unfaithful because they are more in love with the bottle than their spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend.

There are a few things that you can do to help you cope with an alcoholic husband or wife that may be cheating on you.

Giving Them Ultimatums:

You can tell them that you are not going to tolerate their behavior if they do not terminate their involvement with the other person. Here’s the thing though, you had better be prepared to stick to your threat. There’s nothing more defeating than not following through with the things you have threatened to do. I don’t think it’s a good idea to use the word divorce either unless you are certain that that is what you are going to do. Threatening to divorce is just a tactic to try and control the addicts behaviors.

I would be certain that I had a plan of action in place before confronting an alcoholic in this way. I would need to have plenty of money to last and also be certain of where I would be living. If you are married to an alcoholic it would be a good idea to seek legal council from an attorney. If you have young children that are living at home be aware that the mother seems to have the most favor in these cases. Courts always consider what is in the best interest of the children.

worried manThere is no reason that you should tolerate unacceptable behavior; infidelity certainly falls into this catagory. You can let them know that what they are not doing is not acceptable. You can do this by writing them a letter or by telling them to their face. I’d suggest that you try to inform them in a nice way though. In other words: “say what you mean-but don’t say it mean.” Some ideas are discussed in this video: Communicating With An Alcoholic. You will also find helpful tips here: Unacceptable Behavior Of Alcoholics.

The one thing that is not going to accomplish much is fighting and arguing with the problem drinker. This will only upset you. The chance of anything productive resulting from an argument is not very likely.

It seems that there are only two choices you have: one is to stay with them, the other is to separate. This is totally your decision. What I have to share is my opinion and should NOT be taken as advice.

If I were to stay with an alcoholic husband/wife who was being unfaithful, it would be strictly based upon their demonstration to repent and change. The word repent means to turn away from. They would have to end the affair, quit drinking and agree to go to marriage counseling. I personally wouldn’t open the door to my heart and let them back into my life until they demonstrated these changes over an extended period of time.

One of the things you should be aware of is that addicts of all sorts say things they think we want to hear. These are empty promises we hear from an alcoholic that will crush our world if we allow them to. Keeping a watchful eye for this type of communication can help protect you from buying into the deceitful lies of the problem drinker. Although you may have little control over this situation, you do have control over the choices that you make. There is no reason for you to accept unacceptable behavior from an alcoholic.

Tough DecisionsOnly you can decide what is best for your life. Coping with an unfaithful alcoholic can be best handled when we are surrounded by people who understand. The only place to find friends like this is by getting involved in alcoholism support group meetings. There you will find others who have the wisdom you need in order to deal with someone who is cheating on you. Believe it or not, you are not the only one faced with infidelity by an alcoholic.

The Al-anon Family Group has helped millions of people through the years learn how to cope with dysfunctional relationships. This is a worldwide organization specifically designed to help friends and family members who are dealing with alcoholism. In the fellowship there is healing that takes place in people who have been effected by being involved in relationships with alcoholics.

One of the things that I have heard a thousands times over in Al-anon is the meeting closing. Here is a small excerpt:

“A few special words to those of you who haven’t been with us long:
Whatever your problems, there are those among us who have had them
too. If you try to keep an open mind, you will find help. You will come to
realize that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no
unhappiness too great to be lessened.”

I can testify that this statement is true. It doesn’t matter if you are dealing with an unfaithful lover or a child who is suffering from the disease of alcoholism, if you stick with Al-anon, you will discover that there is no unhappiness so intense that it cannot be reduced.

There is a better way of living life rather than always being focused on an alcoholic who is being unfaithful to the vows of marriage or commitment to any relationship. I know it seems like your world is falling apart right now, trust me I know the pain all too well. There is hope for your situation. Although your friend, husband, wife or relative may not stop the dysfunctional behaviors, you can start the process of change today.

53 comments to Infidelity By An Unfaithful Alcoholic

  • Kelly

    Last September my ah who is verbally abusive started to not cone home at night. One night after he passed out i took his phone and sure enough he was texting a girl. In kicked him out, he ran all over town telling everyone I kicked him out, but never told anyone it was because he was cheating. Well he wanted to go to marriage counseling, he lied about the affair, but always wants to cone home and work it out. Being the sucker I am, I believe him, let him come home then 2 to 4 days later he’s gone like the wind leaving a note behind saying he’s messed up and needs to figure it out, this spring I found out the affair is still going strong. He’s 53 years old, the gal is 36. She’s in it for a sugar daddy. He’s to stupid to realize it.. I made him get everything out of the house and filed for divorce. Do you know what he did, cried and finagled me back and to drop the divorce. Throughout the summer we would go for dinner once a week. Then a friend of mine caught him with the gal again on a weekend getaway. He comes to the house crying begging to come home saying he will go to treatment.. Yes stupid me takes him back one last time. This time a whole 11 days, I came home Wednesday to a note that said he couldn’t promise he would never drink again and he didn’t want to hurt me. He didn’t even take half his clothes this time. I know he’s with the girlfriend. I suspect she saw his car here and gave him an ultimatum and who wouldn’t want a 36 yr old instead of a 53 yr old woman? We’ve been married 24 years. We dated for 8 yes before that. He has been in treatment twice. Once before our marriage that lasted 6 years. Then once again after our son was born. That lasted maybe 6 months. I’m sad. Got rid of all his clothes and am calling the lawyer to start the paperwork again, this time I’m not backing down. Financially he’s the breadwinner. I work full time but took on a part time job when this all started because I’m not ending up eating cat food!

  • Dawna

    Kelly and anyone else that has a situation like her you are telling my almost exact story. At least the behavior part. I have dealt with the verbal abuse and all the other ails of his alcoholism and now he is unfaithful. Catch him and he begs, and begs, and begs and acts so remorseful. Makes empty promises. Goes to counseling, church, etc and then starts right back with the deceit. It is not OUR fault. I know my husbands years of drinking have taken a toll on his brain. Look up alcoholism and brain damage. Once they are so far gone they can longer use logic/common sense, they can longer feel emotions properly, they have no self-worth and can not comprehend that people out there love them. Mine is not allowed to drink around me or in our home so he always chooses women that are also drinkers that he can continue to feed his addiction with. I have also filed for divorce because while I feel these alcoholics are truly remorseful they will never change, they will always cheat and their number one girl will never be you or anyone else but will be and always is their booze!

  • Terry

    My faith in my marriage has deminished to the point I am seriously considering filing for divorce. My wife and I have not been together long. Only married 1 year next month. But I have been lied to constantly, seen her go off with a member of the opposet sex and spend 2 nights with him (nothing happens so she claimed). Multiple promises, but I do not get regret or remorse from her. I get blamed. Because I did not get her a car, I was “controlling” I did not want her dead as I have seen her drink and drive and lie before. So if I am controling because I do not accept her drinking lying and nonsense… I guess I am controlling. Being called controlling in this relationship is insulting. I do not beat my wife and everything I do not accept is for her safety and welfare as well as the safety of others.

    I am at my wits end. I sent her to rehab and she was doing well but was emotionally detached from me. It seemed like she did not love me anymore sober. Makes me question if she truly loved me at all.
    I did get her a car and I caught her drinking… took the keys away and drove her to work myself the next day.

    I feel like such a fool. The lies and manipulation tactics she uses, it’s like a demon took her over.

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