How To Cope With An Angry Alcoholic


Have you ever heard of the expression: “get out of harm’s way?” If you’re living with an angry alcoholic, then you need to learn how to get out of the way of being hurt, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I can give you a few tips in this article on how to cope, but you really need to get involved with alcoholism support group meetings. There are hundreds of ways to protect yourself from the affects of an angry alcoholic.

My former alcoholic spouse was very abusive in every sense of the word. She was filled with hatred and seemed to thrive on criticizing others all of the time. She was the type of person who found fault in everything.

One moment everything could be going fine and the next she was ranting and raving about something. Now, she also had a pain pill addiction problem that contributed to her rage. The mood swings of an alcoholic are intensified greatly when there are narcotics involved in their daily addictive patterns.

Most alcoholics use anger and anxiety as a weapon. They unconsciously try to do things to those around them in order to get a negative reaction out of others. Once the “other” person is acting like a loon, then the alcoholic can point their finger at the other person’s behaviors instead of looking at their own. The sad part of all this is that we are left being angry and then they just go and get plastered. We must learn how to not let them get to us.

It can be devastating when someone is seeking to experience intimacy with an alcoholic spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend and instead, the normal routine is for the alcoholic to criticize them. Parents, friends and co-workers are no exception to this character defect of anger commonly found in alcoholics.

Rule Number One When Dealing With An Alcoholic

NEVER ARGUE WITH A DRUNK!

Never fight and argue with an alcoholic. Under no circumstances should we ever step into the ring with them. This means that we are going to need to learn how to get control of our reactions to all the things they are doing to push our buttons. We have to become tough as nails.

There are hundreds of ways of avoiding an angry alcoholic. When you get involved in alcoholism support group meetings, you can learn from the wisdom of others. There are certain ways to handle different situations. For instance, you can go into another room, close the door and lock it. You can leave the house when their anger is getting out of control.

Take time to think of different ways that you can avoid having a confrontation with the problem drinker and start doing those things.

To avoid arguing, say things like:

  1. I’m sorry you feel that way.
  2. You may be right.
  3. Let me think about that.
  4. I don’t care to discuss that with you right now.

Then, get away from them as quick as possible.

Rule Number Two

LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF!

You cannot look to an alcoholic for love. They just cannot fulfill your need to be loved. Alcoholics love one thing and one thing only… getting drunk. That’s the reality of the situation that you are dealing with. You are going to have to look at yourself and know that the mean things they are saying about you are not true.

It’s funny, somehow I knew that deep down inside that my raging, angry alcoholic spouse loved me. Even though she treated me like crap, I still knew that she loved me. Even though I knew this, I still had to see reality for what it was, I was married to an abusive alcoholic spouse. In situations like this, we can hope for change and believe they love us, but we must not sugar coat the reality of what is happening to us.

No one should accept unacceptable behavior from anyone, especially alcoholics/addicts. No one should be a door mat. You must learn how to set boundaries with an alcoholic.

I’m guessing that because you are reading this, someone is being awfully mean to you. We have an email mini-course that can help you start learning how to cope with an angry alcoholic. You will find it located in the sidebar. After you sign-up, you will also be presented with an entire audio lesson course that can teach you how to handle situations involving angry alcoholics. Don’t wait for things to get worse. Make a commitment today to start learning how to protect yourself from the horrible effects of dysfunctional relationships.


42 comments to How To Cope With An Angry Alcoholic

  • C

    When my bf would criticize anything that I was doing – watering the outdoor plants, etc., cleaning in the house, cutting fruit, etc.! I would start out being calm, but he would go on and on and I finally told him to call his sisters and daughter and talk to them the way he was addressing me. It enraged him. I kept to that every time he would rage at me for anything – he would ask how long the sheets were on the bed when I washed them?!!! This from someone who never cleaned and sat and drank. He would say, “we have to clean this or that!”. I was then accused of being too clean – doing too much laundry, etc.

    He said he was far more intelligent than me – and, I would point out that I was smart enough to know drinking all day, every day would kill me.

    I know the next woman will get worse treatment because the letters from his ex-gf to me stated he never told the truth and was abusive to her except when his two grown kids were around which was once a year!

    The article is excellent, thank you.

  • say huelar

    before i used to cry in front of him and just listen and afterwards i answer all his accusations. but now i dont do it. coz it affects me so much and i feel belittle . i just talk to him when he’ s sober. thanks for sharing your article its a great help. life is beautiful to be waste of

  • Ross

    My spouse says he’s been sober over a week and went to an AA meeting. He said he understood and agreed to not try to rush into moving home anymore, even if it takes 6 mos. or so.Having said this after a talk we’d had, where i told him i need to have time and not be rushed just to make him feel better at my expense. I am angry at times and resentful of all he’d done and suppose its part of it? I haven’t shared that. I am still just taking things day by day.

  • IM READING AND I STILL CANT FUNCTION WHEN I THINK ABOUT ALL HE HAS DONE TO ME. OH WELL

  • Ross

    Recovery for myself has made the difference. Time to stop waking up and looking over to the alcoholic
    and asking how my day is going to be!(i read this in group literature somewhere)
    It sure is the truth. My life needs to no longer be on hold because I am in relationship with an alcohlic.
    After being married for 23 yrs and being hindered the most of it. It’s time to learn how to live ‘functionally’ through recovery tools, and redeem the time I am given on earth. Alot of time has been lost. It’s not supposed to be that way. But we have to heal and trust the program. As recovery says… our best thinking got us where we are today….(something like that).
    Yeah, humbly I admit that I see that I need a little something more than my own way of thinking and seeing things.Doesn’t mean I am less than to be honest about that, I join the human race and realize, I am not my own god and can solve everything with my own reasoning. I need recovery—groups, fellowship, tools, etc..
    To think back to even last year and how, I shouldn’t stand where I’m at today,is a miracle for me. I am healing and I so thank God for it. Not by my own strength…by showing up to meetings, fellowshipping with others and sharing in groups, and one day and sometimes one minute..I walk… and God has given me progress and strength to turn my life around.
    Ross

  • Nancy

    In my mind; there is nothing I can do that is worse then “his” drinking…..his “alcoholism” trumps everything.

    In that, lies alot of my anger issues.

  • Jaye

    What if they think the problem is everyone else and not themselves?

  • JC

    Hi Jaye, check out this article: Alcoholics Placing Blame

  • Jaye

    Thank you so much J.C this is new to me and I’m happy to have found this fourum.

  • Joel

    I’m so frustrated with my wife’s alcoholism. We fight all of the time. It’s like no matter what I do, she is always breathing down my neck, pointing out everything I do wrong. She’s impossible to please. We’ve been together for five years. When I married her, I had no idea that she was an alcoholic. As I look back now, she has progressed from drinking on the weekends to drinking and doing drugs every day. I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired of living like this. I love her with all of my heart and yet at the same time I feel like I hate her with all of my heart. I’d appreciate any ideas.

  • ck

    My fiancee drinks on a daily basis, one or two but on the weekends he drinks a lot. even when hes sober hes mean verbally, he would never hit me but I’m just tired of the anger and verbal abuse and the accusations of cheating. he doesn’t think he has a problem but then again what alcoholic doesn’t. i don’t know what to do, its always my fault, its never good enough. i love him. We have our good days, but the bad and arguments always out weigh those. what should I do?

  • Ross

    Hi, please don’t take this as literally applying to everyone with a similar situation.
    But my alcoholic husband used to get angry and accuse me of cheating too.Come to find out, later,
    during several of his relapses, he cheated on me and never said a word. A person who went to school with my daughter ran into her in town and mentioned her father and how he used to date his aunt!My husband didn’t grow up here, but I did. It couldn’t have been BEFORE my husband and i were married. Also daughter found out this last relapse that he was seeing a skank and told me after her wedding and felt so terrible carrying that secret during her wedding.Its good to trust your gut and not just dismiss it. I understand its hard to know when you have no proof.That had been me.I wish you all, all the best,and hope you will take care of you first.That’s as it should be when a person has our issues.I have been in recovery for a while and I guess i wish i had honored myself more and put myself first more, before the alcoholic. Every time he would get rude and do cruel things and place me in bad positions because of his poor choices, I realized that i wished i hadn’t given him trust he didn’t EARN. The proof is in the pudding.Not trustworthy? Don’t stick your neck on the chopping block for him,if its not a healthy, safe , move for you, because he may be hiding and ax.And I cant tell you how many times this has happened to me!

  • Lonely

    My husband is a alcoholic he drinks at least six a day twelve on weekend and sneaks vodka on top of it he is very verbally hurt full I’ve been told I’m a sorry trashy bitch, I need a gun to the fuckin head, he don’t won’t me here and so much more but when he’s not drinking he loves me and is he best husband in the world but I think I’m done seven years I’ve had enough I’ve cried enough u can’t. Expect them to care for u no matter what u do for them from a very lonely hurt wife

  • Lonely

    Why do we have to change the great people we r for someone who don’t care about us who can’t care about use r or lives not worth living happy

  • Lonely

    Just my opinion so tired of being told whAt I need to do how I need to change but their is nothing wrong with me

  • Ross

    Lonely, you need to heal.And you can’t do that on your own.I tried and how draining.You need
    wisdom and knowledge outside your own rationalizations.You don’t know what you’re missing until you have been in recovery for YOURSELF.I share this as someone who has been married to an alcoholic for 24 yrs.I found recovery in 2006 and found an Al-Anon in Dec.2011.Wish I had found recovery many,many,years ago.It would have saved me so much pain and my quality of life, I’m sure,would have been so much better..!
    Keep reaching out.

  • Julie21

    Hi Lonely, I understand what you are saying. However, you are a great person without a doubt. But that does not mean that you could not change to help yourself. For example, you are probably a very caring and empathetic person and that is why you stay and try to help your alcoholic. However, you could decide to change not by no longer caring but by caring without being used. There is a difference and it is difficult to see it when you are in the situation. I have been there done that. We need to change and work on our behavior because as much as our behavior is with good intention, it needs to change so that it is not used against us to the point that it harms ourselves, our family(children) or even the alcoholic. I am sure you are a good person and should stay a good person. But nothing says that you cannot become a better person with some changes to your attitude or your actions. No one wants you to change your core being. We need to change because we cannot make the addict change. We need to understand that they have rights to be who they want to be and live how they want to live and we have the right not to be a part of it. So we need to change and then decide if we want to stay in the relationship or not. Hope this helps because i thought the same thing when i first heard that i needed to make changes. I became defensive and felt that i was being blamed for my AH ‘s behavior. But that is not the case. Simply you are being informed that you need to change if you want to change your life because you have no control over what the A does but you do have control over what you do. God Bless and let us know how you are doing. Believe me I have been in the situation where you are now and have had the same feelings. You are not alone.

  • Julie

    Alcoholics can be VICIOUS to their significant others. NO ONE should have to toughen up THAT MUCH to live with an alcoholic. There was something wrong with me for staying that long. I kept thinking he would some how return to the person I thought he was. Did not happen. Alanon is wrong — it is absolutely impossible to maintain your sanity while living with someone who is insane, someone who guzzles the booze, uses drugs, is a pathological gambler and compulsive over-eater, and who enjoys making someone else’s life miserable, while never owning any of his problems. Now that I have been on my own for a couple of years I have been able to slowly get my self esteem back, have gone back to college and earned a 4.0 GPA last semester, and am rediscovering my talent for art, something I lost while living on eggshells with a raging alcoholic/addict. I MUST remind myself every day that nothing could be worse than going back to that relationship. NOTHING. Healing is slow, and some days I can hardly drag myself out of bed, but I must keep growing. I have to make up for the lost time I spent spinning my wheels. May God bless each of you as you make your decisions on how to make the most of your lives, with or without the alcoholics/addicts. Wishing you peace and serenity!

  • I havent been on the site for a while..lots of crying lots of praying (after filing for divorce)…got an e-mail bout new comments on here…Its amazing to me when i read everyones comments its like reading about my life… for the last 2 years(I married on 11/11/11 he left for better job in sept.) he was in IT good paying job…lot of pressure he said no chance of promotion so looked for another…drank from time he got home from work till he went to bed…then got up during the night to get a drink of water(but smelled of liquor so was doing shots) he reeked of liquor when he got bk upstairs to bed…sometime when he got up I asked him if he had a drink he said no… he’d promise to quit cause I told him I couldnt take his anger issues.. but I found it in garage hidden..then hed be bk to full drinking capacity…this happened many times..…I read recently that the smell can actually come out thier pores….I think that was what was happening…cause I smelled it when hed wake up to go to work ……ln sept. when he moved to AZ for better job …he promised things would be better (this is a recap since i haven’t been on for a while) however he skyped me drinking several times being mean & taunting me when id told him his tone was starting to get angry…I could always tell when his dr. jekall mr hyde thing change was coming…I don’t know what damage emotionally hes done to me i know its there is…( I felt guilty…cause hed tell me I was so negative aboout us..& should look at the good part of conversation..not the part where he got angry)I asked him not to contact me after i filed…cause it broke my heart & it would just make things harder…he contacted me for a while & I ignored & stayed strong with my son,friends & Gods help…I felt like crumbling sometimes & wanted to believe his voicemail he left me that I was rigth he needed to stop drinking but couldn’t stop all togther cause theyd put him in hospital…cause of shakes…then my lawyer contacted him with waiver fro consensual divorce….he wanted 1/2 operating room cost I did promise to pay him bk for for repair of tip of my nose that was damaed due to him breaking my nose…he didn’t count the money I already pd him & any money I put in his house he was selling in his name which I don’t get anything for due to prenup…my lawyer wanted me to contact him personally but after I ingnored his attemps to contact me…I knew he was mad…so I had lawyer forward the e-mail to him….then he read it…& I was right…although he told lawyer he was respecting my request not to e-mail me…lol…even though hed tryed to contact me many times & I didn’t answer hm…so he was judt mad….he has sent it bk now & signed….anyway the sad part is….I was on a support group online & a minister/former addict contacted me & said he could save the marriage if my ah would call him…he recovered…& if my ah really wanted to recover he’d help…& for me to foward his info…& email & i wrote if he would go to intensive in treatment for alcoholism & anger..I would postpone divorce…… I called him & put on his voicemail I was ready to listen to what he had to say….God softened my heart willing to give him yet another chance.…I heard nothing bk from my ah…thus confirming to me that he his idol is alcohol .above.. marriage,his health,& is keeping him from a relationship with Christ he claims he claims he wants …my minister/counselor says his (demons..the alcohol..percription drugs…pot ….I know he mixed them at times…he may have even done other things also I dont know) what he didn’t want me to know he lied about…like the porn I walked in on…a couple of times…he actually denied it even though he was caught…the lies hurt the worse…I would have forgive him & did…I think it was the complete fraudulent person he claimed to be before we married…he idnt want me to find more 7 more hidden things…he claimed he didnt believe in porn at all..& didnt watch it…he claimed he didnt drink & drank fake beers till honeymoon…& cliamed he had no temper…he would get upset at little things but he said he normally wasnt like that just lots of pressure at work …cause of changes….& the selling of my house & moving me…so I believed him…..but I never thought his emotional upsets would turn to extreme anger & turn from things to me..I pray God shows me the red flags this time…cause Im not giving up on my happily ever after…just praying for desernment this time…I hurt for all of you still in this situation & will pray for you…its not fun to live in fear…walking on eggshells all the time…so his anger won’t turn to you…prob. the last 6 mos before he left for new job ..I slept in another room & put crates in front of my door so I could hear if he came in…Gods blessings to all….my divorce will be over as soon as I sign waiver & judge signs…its such a shock…hard to believe…I contacted him again because as i say God softened m heart when I read the e-mail from a recovered a/addict…that became a minister & said he could save the marriage if my ah was willing…I wondered what if this time he really means it…he really is going to stop like his promise on my voicemail..the same promise I got multiple times….throughout marriage & all those abuse cycles…if ya look at my other posts( I pasted the cycle article on one of them) it is a revealing thing to read..you will see what you’ve been going through over & over…I still feel guilty….. cause i married him & I feel like Im deserting him…am I leaving him when he needs me?…should I stay & try to help him? Am i just not strong enough Christian to bear his abuse.? Was i just to bear it & ignore it & just love him? But then that would be enabling wouldn’t it? So many questions..but the bottom line is I gave him another chance..to come bk & say…he would actually go for intense treatment & I would postpone divorce…& if not it would be over soon I said…so I guess his silence was my answer….Ill pray for all of you..Gods blessings! carollyn

  • Oh my post about the abuse cycle is on under topic how to cope with the dominate personality of an ah on alcohlics friend …not under this one coping with angry alcoholic….. if anyone wants me to find it again …I can & post it…. carollyn

  • Ross

    People can find help with Al-Anon if they choose to stay with their alcoholic,there are tools that
    can make it more tolerable.IF that is what they insist on doing and their choice is theirs alone to decide,with no shame.But Al-Anon is also good for healing and going forward either way.

  • Thankyou..Ross…my marriage is over but I can look up al-anon to heal thank you! I would have postponed divorce if he would have came bk with sincere…turn around to get intense help but he didn’t so I feel he chose drinking over our marriage & chose to stay an alcoholic…God bless everyone on here & thanks for so much valuable info!

  • Ross

    Carollyn so many of us know what its like to have alcohol chosen over them/marriage.Thats what my
    husband did as well.They are very sick people.But we cannot allow ourselves to be a hostage to their disease with them.

  • Are you still with him? I know there are some who say we can live with them but not let it affect us…but i couldn’t do that….the only way I could do it was to remove myself emotionally from him…to avoid hurt…he always divided us by arguing….so Id walk on eggshells I couldn’t have an adult productive discussion with him ever…I wanted a marriage that was united not divided…so I don’t understand how al-con helps people cope?

  • Linda

    carolln,
    I can relate to your statement about walking on eggshells And NOT having Adult productive discussion. My a just sits and doesn’t talk, like a defiant teenager, or just wants to argue. We are just living together. he is emotionally attach to his affair. I need to get out again, and stay out……..I don’t know how to live this way anymore. I just feel sick all the time.

  • Hello everyone, It has also been sometime on the site and reading the posts reminds me that I have to work on myself, love myself, and take care of myself. It sounds selfish to me at times but the Alcoholic I believe is incapable of loving anyone but themselves and the bottle. My A finally listened when someone else brought it to his attention that he blacked out during most of the Christmas Party I had thrown not remembering our friend was there. I had the party to bring back some of the friends we had lost due to his drinking and to show him we could still have a good time together and he didn’t have to stay out all night with the drinking buddies and we could have fun with no hard liquor involved. I was surprised how many people asked me what I was still doing here with him after everything he has put me through. (Infidelity caught on tape and found him in bed with her, His family blaming me for problems and spreading rumors around down I was a pill popper, to him closing accounts saying there was fraudulent activity and I can’t show my face in my bank). He never stood behind me and now knows that what is sister was saying was lies but wont address it with them and says to just get over it and get along. Just like he conveniently blacked out during his long weekend with a skank and partying with his son not given me the information I need to move forward. If he really blacked out he could call a few different people to get information but chooses not to and tells me to get over it and let it go which is something I can’t do is wonder what they did. He doesn’t want to know what he did or where they went so why should I. I recently made him an offer as we have a settlement in place and divorce pending only waiting for my signature. I thought that if he would stop drinking hard liquor for one year it would give us time to build our relationship so I offered him no drinking hard liquor for one year and at the end of that year if he still wants a divorce he gets it all. He finally took me up on the deal but then I realized I still didn’t have what I needed to heal and the resentment and betrayal is crippling without know how move on with the actions he has brought into our lives and he doesn’t feel that giving me what I need is important and refuses. I told him I would honor the deal but then through the tears of hurt my head told me what my heart couldn’t see. Love may be blind but I am not stupid. I am doing changing and giving up parts of me to keep this relationship alive. Believe in what his actions are telling you not what comes out of his mouth. So I told him the deal was off and drink away I am no longer the only one trying in this marriage and its over. Now I just have to pull myself together, quit crying and get to the attorneys office to sign. But here I sit in my robe listening to my heart crying, wondering, and hoping I am wrong. He is prideful and I know he wont tell me what I need so my battles are inside myself and I’m not clear on who will win.

  • Im so sorry your heart is broke… Laurie…I totally emphasize with you…I know how it feels to cry & how hard it is to let it go…but I kept reminding myself that I was enabling him…just because I was staying with him…enduring his cycle of abuse….Im sure yours also made empty promises.. of quitting but couldn’t by his self..& wouldn’t get help to stop…a former addict/a…said he htinks my a moved to Az with sis so he could drink feely at his sisters…& he was right..he skyped me drunk several times….& why do family enable them? Mine would call me & act really nice & calm & I knew why…he had an audience putting on his normal act….Im not saying he couldn’t be nice there were moments..but got less & less till his dak side took over the majority of time….Im thinking that they keep the way the treat us… from their families ..look how many lies they told us….& were very convincing…my ah lied in counselors office said he quit smoking pot…& was cutting down on drinking..however i found his pot out one day..when i mentioned it…. then he turned it around & said well its less than I used to a long time ago…. I smelled it everyday…it was still a lie that he quit…also he would hide alcohol in garage so when he went to smoke he’d take some shots…or hed refresh his drink or get up at night cause thirsty…but reeked of alcohol …he would say he was in pain & take meds also…dont know when that was or wasnt true…so they are prob. putting on an act in front of family that they treat us well & is blaming us for whatever he can think of to make their self look better…Ive been criticized severely by my ah ..he took awy my dishwashing privileges cause it wasnt like the instructions…I didnt do his towels right or his underwear or clean house to perfection..…& I just got down sick like ya said you did…& pretty much give up on trying to please him…I couldnt even form my sentences to his standards..I know he held his self to high standards also & he punished his self when he didn’t meet them…by hurting his self…he threatened to hurt others..also…if God wasnt with me I know I would have got it …more than the accidental broken nose..he said he didnt remember.…then he remebered & said he meant to shove my shoulder…regardless Laurie….when they are prideful then they are full of excuses…to justify what they do…Ive been through that many a time…its amazing to me that they will have a soft moment & confess they are wrong…then you have that little thread of hope again….& as soon as ya let your walls down the abuse starts all over again…I think becauses they think we wont leave…I dont know why…just know the cycle….your ah’s pride is an indication his promises are insincere thats a paste I posted also that was very revealing on how to tell if your ah is sincere..Ill find it & repost if you like..…. Ill pray for you a peaceful divorce & peace inside..if you turn to God & read his promises about mending your broken heart & givng you peace….that will get you through..prayer is powerful…& claim those promises God gives us…Ive been going bk & forth with emotions of sadness & happy Im not in the abusive cycle any more…but on the other hand don’t have a marriage anymore…I heard on a tv church progrm that the Bible says ya can think yourself happy…so Ive been practicing…if i can’t think of anything happy i just say happy happy happy..until I feel…happier…lol Gods blessings & Ill pray for all of you on the site…appreciate yours & Your posts on the site has been so helpful to me..thank you all dearly !

  • Thank you Carollyn. I have got a few things packed and leaving for a few days so he can get some stuff and leave. In our agreement it was agreed I would remain in the home, but we had discussed earlier taking 30days in the home 30 out so not one person would get comfortable and not try to sell the home. I will be finishing up some taxes for the business so I am going to offer him the original deal with regret in my heart I cant get past the infidelity after he has made honest attempts on his drinking. I feel bad but if our marriage was important to him he would help me through the most devastating act of betrayal one person can bear alone. I hope he stays on the right path, but its time to heal for me and that is finding myself and full filling the needs I have in my life for me. Your thoughts and prayers are much appreciated. My nightly prayers include everyone working through there issues here, and my prayers are that everyone finds joy, love, respect and trust in their lives but mostly happiness and smiles. I will still be reading daily as this site has gotten me through some horrible times in my life and if I can be here for anyone please let me know.

    Take care
    Laurie

  • Amen & Amen to that Laurie Thanks for the offer to help & if I can help i any way by sharing my journey Im more than willing also…we are coming out of our nightmare…we must look at it that way no matter how much we wished it would have worked out…Laurie Im confused on waht ya mean by the original deal…ya were going to stick by…original deal…was that to give him everything if he didn’t drink hard liquor for a year…any alcohol if one is a ah is still alcohol & can still be drank to excess can cause same effects as hard liquor..also if he didn’t drink at all for a year…maybe his brain was past repair…& was damaged to the point that he can’t have a normal emotionally stable relationship…sounds like ya he didn’t do what it took to try to gain your trust back..so you didn’t heal & marriage didn’t grow…sounds like he just told ya to get over it…he didn’t hold up his side of building the relationship…you said you were having to let parts of you go to keep the relationship alive..he wants you to give all & have control & you to please him so the marriage will work with no giving on his part…I have a question for you…did he drink at all during this year…or could he have been sneaking without you knowing it? Mine hid it all the time & claimed he stopped….also Ive learned bout being a dry alcoholic…so he might have either have unrepairable damage to brain or learned behavior from bing an alcoholic all that time….this breaks original agreement..these are variables that weren’t considered …also if ya didnt write an agreement & sign it…then just say ya changed your mind bout giving him everything cause of the way he treated you & didn’t do his part to repair marriage…that may not have been said outloud but it didn’t have to be said..that was the reason ya wanted him to quit drinking to repair marriage…not to punish you & not work on marriage because he was mad bout having to stop or the demand on your part cause he didnt want to stop..sounds like he may have been resentful…so that breaks the deal..in my opinion……I don’t know your situation or if anything is in writing…& I don’t know what state ya live in…I am in a no-fault state…everything is split down middle unless there is a prenup in place & ya both sign waiver to that effect…talk to your lawyer bout it…also ya said he made attempts to stop..so he didnt right? Don’t give hm everything…you need as much help as you can get to start over..talk to your own lawyer before doing something without thinking clearly due to emotions…okay? You sound like ya really cared bout marriage & he sounds like he was selfish in letting you give your all & letting ya give him another chance…without giving ya what you needed to build up your trust in him again…Im praying for you…please get legal advice for your good before ya sign anything..Im worried bout your future…God bless!

  • Tumi

    I had to send my five year old daughter away to her grandma’s coz my AH took out all his frustrations on her, hitting her for no reason with a leather belt and criticising her every move.She’s just five but has had to go through all the drama, witnessing my AH physically and verbally attacking me night after night.Saw him bingeing on alcohol day and night I couldn’t take it anymore so I had to protect her in the best way I could.Just yesterday he hit my two year old son with a belt until he bled.My heart shattered when I heard my little boy scream.I woke up and put a stop to the craziness and he started attacking me.I told him I would report to the police that he was abusing the boy.

    Just last month I called the police after he’d attacked me but they gave me a long list of protocol that had to be followed before they could make an arrest for domestic violence.A big help they were.After the incident I forgave him (like any loving wife would do)and he acted a little normal for a while and even tried to get a job then all of a sudden he turned on me calling me “Evil” and every foul name in the book. I’ve tried detaching from him and i’ve been happier than i’d ever been in a long time but how can I live with an abusive drunk?

    When I ignore his verbal attacks by pretending to fall asleep he wakes me up just to spite me or he plays really loud music in the middle of the night just to annoy me and the neighbours.I bite my tongue until it turns blue but he keeps pushing me to the edge.I can’t find the strength to walk away and divorce is against my religious beliefs.

  • IF DIVORCE IS AGAINST YOUR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS THEN JUST FLEE TO SAFTEY IF NOT FOR YOURSELF …FOR YOUR KIDS…YOU HAVE TO PROTECT YOUR KIDS…DO YOU THINK THAT GOD WANTS YOU TO PUT YOURSELF OR KIDS IN HARMS WAY? GOD DID ALLOW DIVORCE ALTHOUGH HE HATES IT…& I BELIEVE IT SAYS IF A SPOUSE LEAVES THEY ARE TO REMAIN UMARRIED IF THIER ISNT A REASON LIKE ABANDONMENT (WHICH IS DEBATED ON WHETHER ABANDONMENT COVERS VOWS NOT KEPT AS WELL AS PHYSICALLY LEAVING) OR ADULTRY …BUT YOU MUST DO WHAT GOD IS LEADING YOU TO DO…ASK FOR HIS DIRECTION…YOU KNEW IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER BY SENDING HER AWAY..FROM HARM…NOW I GUESS YOU WILL SEND YOUR SON AWAY ALSO…..THEY NEED THEIR MOTHER…….IM SO SORRY THIS IS HAPPENING…BUT IF GOD WAS HERE..& SAW THIS HAPPENING WOULD HE NOT LEAD YOU TO SAFTEY…? HE PROTECTED MANY IN THE BIBLE & LED THEM OUT OF HARMS WAY….THERE ARE DIRECTIONS(IN BIBLE) ON HOW A HUSBAND IS TO TREAT HIS WIFE….LIKE CHRIST LOVES THE CHURCH….PRAY ABOUT THIS ASK FOR GODS GUIDANCE …& THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE…YA WENT WITH YOUR GUT FEELING WHEN YA SENT YOUR DAUGHTER AWAY…YA WANTED TO PROTECT HER….GOD LOVES US WAY MORE THAN ANY OF US CAN LOVE…SO WOULDNT HE WANT TO PROTECT YOU,HIS CHILD …OF COURSE HE WOULD! HE DOESNT WANT YOU TO BE HURT…IF ITS IN YOUR POWER TO GET AWAY & BE SAFE..DONT YOU THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT? JUST THINGS TO PRAY ABOUT & LET THE HOLY SPIRIT LEAD…GOD BLESS YOU..& ILL PRAY FOR YOU KEEP US POSTED..OKAY? YOU SHOULD ALSO LET THE POLICE KNOW WHATS GOING ON…OR MINISTER …OR SOMEONE IN AUTHORITY POSITION..OKAY?…GODS PROTECTION & PEACE!

  • Tumi

    Thank u Carollyn.I really appreciate all the prayers I can get to help me keep my sanity and stay focused.

  • The original agreement was that we discussed sharing the home every other month but my attorney wrote it up as I was to remain in the home with him paying the maintenance. I was trying to tell him before I left that I would take January and he could have February but he was so angry he just kept yelling at me to turn off the lights and get out and wouldn’t talk to me. Once I sign the courts take over so I just told him my attorney would be contacting him. He has just started the no hard liquor deal that I made him (no liquor for a year and if he stills wants a divorce then he gets everything). He just accepted the deal New Years I told him from day one that I didn’t think I could get past it unless I knew the details of the weekend and he refuses to get them for me so I am going to have to walk away because the resentment and anger I am feeling is not healthy for either one of us. I had told him at first I would honor the deal to give him everything after a year but then started thinking rationally and figured he has done nothing for our marriage so I just told him deal was off and love is blind but I’m not stupid (and nothing on paper :)and I wasn’t going to reward him for his lack of investment in our marriage. I left him a note to be out in a couple of days and giving him some time to get his stuff together. Hoping now I can just be strong enough to follow through. Once he reads the divorce agreement he signed talk about being angry he is going to be pissed to say the least. I am not sure how you ever prepare for the stuff that’s going to fly but hoping he calms down some before we talk again.m

  • Julie21

    Tumi you must get away from him for your children’s sake. Obviously his violence is out of control and you are unable to protect your children while staying. No one said you have to file for divorce, but I am sure God and Jesus do not condone the physical or verbal abuse you speak of. Jesus said a man should treat his wife as Jesus treats the Church. IS your husband treating you or your children in a way that Jesus would treat the Church? No. Find help from a women’s shelter or go to the grandmother’s where you sent your daughter. Your husband sounds like a dangerous man. And make sure no one lets him in the door wherever you go to stay. Please i am warning you as i was married to a man like that and had to get out! You must keep yourself and your children safe and i know that you know this or you would not have sent your daughter to her grandmother’s home. It sounds like your son needs your protection. In an ideal world children should not need protection from their father. But this is not an ideal world. Get away from this man and then get some help from professionals(Children’s services, battered women’s shelters or groups) who can help you make decisions about where to go and what to do. But safety first. Get out even if you have to do it secretly. God bless and I will pray for you and your children.

  • Amen to what Julie just said to Tumi…I agree in prayer with you that Tumi & her children be protected! And Laurie…I wouldn’t talk to yor ah alone….now that its this far along..& ya told him lawyer would be contacting him…unless the lawyer says ya can negotiate with him yourself….Id still do it through lawyer…what I did was write e-mail & had lawyer forward it to my husband…that way the lawyer knew what I wrote &(if he would have disapproved he would have od me) if my ah would have replied to me directly I would have forwarded that to lawyer for record…then it isn’t…he said—–she said—–its actually documented…regardless…I wouldn’t talk to him face to face or on phone…might be ugly especially if he has anger issues like my ah…I pray for favor protection & peace to all of you…God bless!

  • i am sat here with my three cats and two dogs without heat because my partner yet again decided to go on a two week bindge (up to now) and stay with his mother because she is an enabler and cooks all his meals and never says a word to him drunk or sober and she is 95 years old! He has taken all our money out of the bank that should last us for a month including money to pay the bills and to buy heating and is sat proping a bar up with the rest of his so called friends. Not a thought for anyone not even his old mother who has to stay up until he comes home, and if he falls flat on his face what can she do. God forgive me but I dont want him back here, he would never spit in his mothers face yet he spits in mine, kicking me in the legs and punching me, cause there are only him and I that live in the house – what a coward, yet he does not do this to his mother. The house is in joint names so I will not leave and give everything to him why should I. I m sorry but at this point I cant stand the site of him, when he is drinking he never eats, washes or changes his clothes he stinks! If only I had not done this or that, he would not have gone to the pub the usual bull that they all say, everyone else takes the blame for his addition and he hates everyone, not a good word to say about people we know drunk or sober. I have been with him for 15 plus years and I wish I had never met him. I am living on nervous energy and taking anti depressants. When will I get the strength to do something, I am so emotionally drained. Last week I had to take one my our dogs we had for 16 years to be put to sleep he didnt even come to support me i had to take her myself. I am heartbroken about her he could care less.

  • Ross

    So sorry Jacqui that you’re going through this.I had the cops ask my husband to leave when he started shoving and cornering me,years ago.I also got a restraining order,then extended it.
    So after that he knew he’d better think twice before handling me so carelessly.It also gave him some time to think about how he’d gotten himself into that situation.
    Years later he relapsed again and we split, we’ve been apart 2 years and soon to be divorced,I guess.I haven’t pursued it as I have needed to keep insurance as long as I can.It’s what I felt I needed to do for me.

  • A broken adult

    Dear everyone, I know this topic has been continued for a long time, but I feel the need to release things as well. Thank you all for your stories, as hard as it is to deal with an alcoholic, I feel a little better in knowing there are others who deal with this horrible disease. Especially when you are the victim.
    I have dealt (which in a way I never really dealt with it, just tolerated it because I knew there was nothing that I could do) with a parent who has been an alcoholic my whole life. I remember the very first time he started this abuse (which no one should ever have to remember this as a ‘childhood memory’) and how it has progressively gotten worse with more alcohol and other drug abuse. There was a point in my life that I was so depressed and suicidal that every thought consisted of how I could kill myself, and after several attempts I was finally admitted to a mental health hospital and put on suicidal watch for 2 weeks of my senior year in high school.
    I have always felt that maybe somehow I could change him, do something to please him or not make him blow up. But every effort I have done in my life (stayed at home so he wouldn’t be mad about spending his money on things, not going out with friends or let alone having friends, the list goes on for miles) has failed in every attempt. I would be so obsessed with how many he had to drink, or if he was already half plastered by the time he came home, it is so over exhausting that you eventually break down and just want to cry yourself to sleep. The situation even has created a new alcoholic (even though my sister won’t admit it, but I know it’s already there and she will continue this downward spiral unless she gets serious help).
    I was able to get away and attended college for a semester. It was such a wonderful feeling of freedom to not have this constant abuse in my life. But was cut short because of my mothers health problems. She had almost went into a diabetic coma, so I had to quit school and come back to help. Her health has gotten worse, so much (she has now been diagnosed with kidney failure and has about 10% of function) that there is almost a no will to survive. I have tried everything I can to mediate the situation, make it the best that I can, but I realize now that I am just sugar coating the problem and it will never change unless he wishes to, but that will not happen.
    I have heard some of the stories that he had happen to him, he was abused by his grandfather, and was sexually abused by his father (the details I will not go into, but it was bad) but no matter what happens in someone’s life it does not give you the right to treat others this horrible way.
    I have come to a point in my life that the only thing that I can change is myself, and that I cannot control the actions of others. I know that I need a support system so that I can move on with my life. I will be attending the next alanon meeting I can find, but these forums will help in the meantime. I know that I cannot continue to try to change him, and I know that I cannot just detach myself from him just so I can tolerate it. If I truly want to heal, I have to do it for myself. Thank you for your time, and your stories. It does help to know that there are other people who deal with this same exact bs.
    Sincerely, A Broken Adult.

  • LisaLou

    I live with an angry, unpredictable drinker. We have been married 5 years today. Recently he got so druk he cut his hand and ended up in hospital. The worst thing was he managed to spray blood up the walls, over the floors upstairs and down. I called for an ambulance and the police attended. He seemed crazy…. Since then he has been aggressive and recently when I needed to get something from the boot of the car he put it in reverse. Today he bought me a lovely eternity ring, we had a lovely meal and then went to see a band. His daughter was supposed to meet him but did not turn up because of a headache. Of course, this triggered a bad reaction. He got aggressive and left me on my own in the middle of town. I have just walked home. The verbal abust is so bad and the physical abuse is increasingly bad. I love him but can not live like this any more. I feel scared, stupid, ashamed and alone.

  • carollyn

    U can look at my comments on this site…I guess the last one was in January…Im divorced now going through all the healing that goes with it…its easy to forget how bad it was..& look a the good side of my husband…but after reading the comment fom LisaLou…it reminds me…isnt it amazing how perfect they can be when they arent drinking it gives u that thread of hope that they wil change & be that way all the time…but its just a treat to keep u there till next episode of rage ….my husband was in a band also…(a lot of muscians seem to drink & do drugs .not all of them of course) …I was only hurt once when he was dunk..my abuse was mostly emotional abuse…but I remember crying out to God in the bathroom…saying I cant take this anymore please help me….& shortly after that my husband got a job far away in Az Im in IN….it was then I was hoping it woud be a 2nd chance for us..he promised hed change less stress & oppotunity to advance in his career…but he skyped me abusive & I knew it was another empty promise s I filed…I even softened my heart after this & offered him that I would delay divorce if hed go to intense alcohol & anger rehab. but heard nothing back….I remember him promising me before he would stop & just hid his alcohol pot & prescript drugs..(he may have hid things I don’t even know about?)…I remember him falling off ladder trying to reach something i couldn’t…then he got pain pills fom dr. so it was mix of pot alcohol & prescript drugs he was rocking on floor …..feeling the air didnt know where he was…other times he was falling over things wanting to argue…turning everything I said around to start an argument…I don’t know why…I think to get me upset so I got emotional & then he could point finger at me & say see u get angry too….anything to try & blame someone else…stress at work ex gfs or fiancee or ex wife abuse from anyone they can blame…he used to call his abuse to me a knee jerk reaction because of this person or that persons abuse or whatever he could come up with…he even asked me why cant u just let me blow off steam as he called it(it was very intense anger)…or if u wait 10 yrs Ill be like my dad & mellow… he used to be like me.(he said)…so they want enablers…they may be nice once & a while just to keep u hanging on to that thread of hope…but I believe it has to come out their mouth that they want to change & they will get outside help to do it….mine just lied & hid it…I think it takes intense therapy …God & intense wanting to stop the addictions on their part….thats my experience anyway…you have to stand up to him & say u arent going to live this way anymore….u could move away from him for your safety…maybe he will care enough about u over his addiction…..& seek help I pray that for u since u love him…mine evidently loved his addiction over me & chose that ….if u dont take a stand u are enabling him to continue his behavior…& u are feeling scared stupid ashamed & alone because u are allowing this behavior to continue by not taking a stand…it will take a lot of guts either way (enabling or taking stand)…talk to counselor or minister with him…u will hear him say things u may not hear him say to u one on one…Im praying for u…& this site is very helpful because people share experiences with u that u can relate to.. its helped me a lot…share your feelings on here on your journey withyour ah it will help u through..God bless you … keep safe no matter what u have to do

  • mary attkisson

    Lord, I know your pain. I too have been in an alcoholic relationship for 5 years. We got married a year and 1/2 ago and it has gotten progressively worse as his disease has progressed. I am a recovering alcoholic myself, and he throws that back in my face. I too felt stupid, ashamed, trapped, angry, frustrated, and alone. I am educated,well traveled, smart, pretty, bright, and outgoing. Somehow, between my alcoholism and his, coupled with his verbal, emotional, and sometimes physical abuse-I lost myself. I kept praying for a way out. He would cut me out of the bank account, change passwords, hide things, had me thrown in jail when he cut his finger and told the cops that I did it, (and left me sitting in there for a month and 1/2 while he drank), he sold 25,000 worth of my jewelry in a parking lot for 1500.00 in a blackout, he has lost countless jobs and been to 16 rehabs in less than 5 years. I have stayed sober through the last 2 long binges, and finally Friday, I had his parents come pick him up, take him to rehab and I changed the locks. He had been laying in an empty office for over a month and a half, no shower, no food, and was going to the liquor store 4x a day. He went to a great job offer interview-drunk, and went to his drug/urine test for that job drunk. My Mom just passed away and I finally inherited some money so that I can stand on my own and get out of this mess. I guess he figured he was going to live off of that. Well, I had finally had enough. I got sober, got a therapist, paid all the back bills (angrily of course), got a full time job, and began to take steps to own my own power and get “me” back. I read books-like “Keeping them Sober” to help me survive mentally while he was still here. I read “Codependent No More-again, and everything I could by Melodie Beattie) so I don’t make this mistake again. I prayed hard and God finally presented an opportunity to get him out of here so that I can have some peace. You don’t have to take it. Chances are almost 100% that he will choose the bottle/drugs over you. There is a very low recovery rate for this disease, even for those who seek help. My alcoholic, too, was a kind, gentle intelligent person when he STOPPED drinking. Sadly, he never stopped for long and I know he NEVER WILL!!! And for this clarity, I am eternally grateful. Leave him now, waste no more time, and your life will get exponentially better. prayers to you! Mary

  • carollyn

    How ironic ,I was tying to help LisaLou & Mary you helped me …& others Im sure …chances are almost 100% that an alcoholic will choose drinking over his mate..is this because they love the addiction over their mate..or just cant ovecome? Seems to me a mariage would be worth whatever it took if u cared for someone enough…please help me understand ..Mary….I would really appreciate understanding & u have been in that place(of addiction) so u above experts that havent been alcoholics wouldnt have your inside perspective……thankyou for sharing your recovery story & I think your a good example that it takes a lot of determination on the alcoholic to decide that kind of life isn’t worth the consequences…I heard someone say that was reaching rock bottom….I was hoping my husband would reach when I filed but he didn’t..cause he didnt accept my offer to postpone divorce if he got intense therapy for anger & alcoholic issues.& I heard nothing back….I guess all alcoholics have thier own rock bottom…when did u finally reach yours Mary? What is the percentage for recovery rate of alcoholism ? Im so happy you were in that percentile …that took a lot of guts & help fom God…..thankyou for your wonderful exampe that it can actually be done…God bless you….actually God already has …giving u strength to overcome…Ill keep u in my prayers…& I cant thankyou enough for your sharing & appreciate your insight into the alcoholic mind so we that deal or have dealt with alcoholics will understand better….thankyou soooo!*O:-) angel

Leave a Reply