When To Avoid Having Serious Conversations With An Alcoholic


There is a right time for everything. When we are coping with someone who gets intoxicated often, we must learn when it is a good time to talk and when it is not a good time. I had to learn how to avoid having serious talks during times when the alcoholic had been drinking.

What do I mean by serious conversations?

Well, anything that you would normally heat up into an argument is not good to talk about when they are drunk. Also, things like house payments, children’s college funds, in-laws, homeowners insurance or car insurance policies. How about taxes or even business related things being something that you may want to avoid talking about when they are wasted.

When they try to initiate a conversation that I do not want to talk about I say things like: “I don’t care to discuss that right now” or “let’s discuss that another time, OK?” Sometimes, I have to make a decision to NOT have a serious conversation with the alcoholic the following day when they were hungover. These are the types of decisions we must learn how to make when dealing with an alcoholic.

You wouldn’t try to have a serious talk with someone right after they got out of major surgery would you? The person who is smashed from drinking too much acts a lot like someone who is under the influence of anesthesia. When they are drunk and when they are hung over is not time to discuss the serious things in life.

Living with an alcoholic takes work on our part.   If we want to enjoy life more and be happier, we are going to have to change many of the things we have been doing.

There thinking is not really clear when they are under the influence.

I also learned that talking about the serious things in life late at night was not such a good idea any time. That rule with me even applies if the alcoholic hasn’t been drinking. When we are tired, the end of the day is no time to try and discuss the children’s college fund or homeowners insurance policy.

I know it’s difficult to deal with an alcoholic. These communication skills I have just shared with you will help you a great deal to not argue with an alcoholic. When you use these techniques, I guarantee you that you will experience less irritation with your situation.


59 comments to When To Avoid Having Serious Conversations With An Alcoholic

  • Lisa

    I have a question…what if the alcoholic in your life drinks to intoxication 7 nights a week and, ultimately, spends each morning hungover? Based on the article above, in my situation, there wouldn’t be a right time to talk to them about something serious. =(

  • Angelica

    You ‘talk about serious/important matters with someone who isn’t in a sober state of mind. If the alcoholic in your life is smashed 7 days a week and you are intent on staying in the relationship then you’re just going to have to accept responsibility for making a lot of those decisions yourself. Go to Alanon meetings and take care of yourself because you deserve some happiness in your life too.

  • josie

    my soon to be ex husband drinks everyday a 12 pack of beer or more a night and then gets up the next day and goes to work we are currently going through a divorce that he asked for and he is so mean to me treats me so bad he thinks im a monster when hes being on to me its hard to talk to him about settling this becuase hes so angry! any suggestions. i didnt want this divorce is the first place i wanted to work things out but he says i make him miserable i dont understand this ?

  • I’m with Josie, My husband and I are also getting a divorce. I love him dearly, but 6 months ago I had to put a PPO on him. I didn’t know what else to do. He was extremly drunk and aggravated. He called the Police and he wanted me to be removed from the house, but they made him leave instead. He says that I lied to the police, that is why he had to leave. He says we are done. I have been in counseling and have started attending Al Anon. Before I did not know how to not argue with him. I was scared, confused and did not know what was going on. He was hiding things in his locked car. He was accusing me of having an affair and stealing from him. He was slowly taking things out of the house. What else could I have done? Again I love him dearly, we have 2 teenage sons that are still with me. I want to reconcile with him, even if it means leaving him alone to drink. Am I insane. Yes I think I am. We’ve been married 23 years and at times I feel that maybe it was not so bad. Is their a way to approach him? Again he says we are done. What can I do? Everyone says I am better off, but I don’t feel that way.

  • Pez

    Dear Brenda and Josie: 1st thing you must know is that those who love them, want them to get sober, confront them on their behavior–You will become their enemy in the end!!! They hate what you stand for sobriety, love, justice, compassion, goodness, etc….because they are convicted and know they are the opposite. If this is happening, they are not at the point of wanting to get better. This very well may be your life if you stay! Do you want that? It starts out pretty good, you are EVERYTHING they ever wanted, but ends up you being the bad guy, the crazy one (gaslighting). They will move on to what’s EASY! Someone who will not harass them about their drinking and accept it. You will be disguarded!!! Mark my word. They do not love you like that. Their love is SHALLOW. Alcohol will ALWAYS come first. Yes it’s hard to leave, an excruciating journey, but you will get there! If you want to stay, go to a support group!! to keep your mind straight or you will end up beaten down, mental issues, and a lot more. You need support.

  • Julie21

    i think you need to ask yourself why you want to be with him? If he is causing so much heartache and does not want to reconcile or make changes for the better you cannot force him. And you shouldn’t. Of course it hurts and is unfair that he shun you and want to leave you and blame you. Not to be disheartening, but if you are looking for an alcoholic to come to you and thank you for all you tried to do to keep the peace or save them from themselves…you will be holding your breath for a long time. I say stop trying to fix something that both partners do not want to fix. That is a recipe for disaster. And take it from someone who was married to an alcoholic for 21 years. You will only lose yourself in the process. Take heart and take actions to heal yourself. Get support from somewhere it does not have to be alanon if there are other groups or counselors available in your area. Just be sure that any therapist or cousneling you go to has experience and specializes in relationships with abusers and alcoholics or addicts or you may not get the true help you need. God Bless you both Josie and Brenda.

  • Josie

    Thank you for your support and words! I need to
    Hear it! It’s tough when you love someone so much and all they love is their alcohol. I can’t believe after 21 years of marriage that it’s the end 🙁 but you can’t make someone want you! I wish he could get better and not throw his family away like he’s doing.

  • Pez

    Been there, done that. As many others have hoping and praying for recovery. This disease/addiction is soooo bad they hear no one including God. It’s their choice and many choose destruction. Read through the threads here it will help you reading the experiances we have had and are having. The stories are so simiar you will feel, at least, you have support and you are not the only one who has suffered. Much love!

  • Gabby

    To Josie & Brenda:
    I know this is tough to hear but….
    Give them No Contact and proceed with divorce.
    Give them a taste immediately of what life without you will be like…it is your only chance.
    They will either continue with divorce or realize what they may lose and hit their rock bottom.
    If you show them you won’t tolerate it and stand up for your boundaries you will help yourself move on also.
    It is tough but you can do it.
    I had to leave my BF.
    Life will get better either way but not if you continue to do the same things expecting different results.

  • josie

    thanks again! I am proceeding with the divorce we go to court in March if we cant settle before which im hoping we can as im ready for this long ugly road to end. The man i though i knew no longer exist so i have to accept that and move on. It is sad that all they care about is when their next beer will be and not for their family. At the end of the day i know i did all i could to keep my family together. Maybe one day this man will wake up and see what his addiction has done to him and maybe it wont be to late.

  • Julie

    Thank you, thank you, thank you, for all your wonderful comments. Been there and done that. It has been almost 3 years since I left an alcoholic who I had been married to for many years. Everything said above is true. They love only alcohol, drugs and themselves. And, yes, they have stopped listening to God, and live a proscribed, pathetic life dictated by their addictions. It was the hardest thing I ever did to FINALLY get out of there, once and for all, and it hurt for a long time. But you have to get up off the floor and get a new life. I did this by going back to college and getting my self esteem back. I have discovered, the hard way, of course, that there is life after divorcing an alcoholic, after finally getting that monkey off my back. He can waste his life. I choose not to waste mine.

  • Pez

    Excellent Julie, You are an inspiration! It can be done and the pain dissipates over time, Maybe years but you will get your life back, yourself back, your dreams back!!! I am 8 months out leaving my XAB and I get better every day, every month, the light becomes brighter :-). Here is an article about the type of partner we need to be looking for or open to if we so desire. The article is written mainly about men but applies to women as well!

    http://kellymarceau.com/what-sexy-consciously-awake-women-need-and-dont-want-from-men/

  • Julie

    Pez: Thank you for the AMAZING article. I just forwarded it to my twin daughters who will also enjoy it. I plan to re-read this article many times. I find that the longer I am alone, the happier I become. After getting over the initial shock of leaving a long-term relationship, my growth potential is unlimited since I don’t have to play the dance-around-the-alcoholic game any more. I know I can’t get manic in trying to make up for lost time, but take life one day at a time and try to heal and grow as much as I am capable of doing. People like you, even though I don’t know you personally, are helping more than you will ever know. Thanks so much. I wish we could get together for lunch. Or maybe we should all comment every so often on our spiritual growth and progress. Peace and joy!

  • Julie21

    Thank you Julie and Pez for your words of wisdom. I am growing spiritually and emotionally also since separating from my AH or now ex. It has been difficult and he tries to keep the ties and the punishments for leaving him by harrassing us through the courts so there are still external battles to be fought. But my inner strength si growing daily and that makes the battles easier to face. It is an intricate web to be caught in these relationships and that is why it is so difficult to get out of one. But staying will eventually not be an option or you will die living like this and miserably too. Ironic that it is the same for the addict/alcoholic. They will either make life changes or they will die in the grip of alcohol. Their choice. Such is our choice too. But first we all need to realize this and understand the reality of the situation before we can make these important decisions to change. In other words we haev to know how to change. I have gotten so much help from this site and so much support. I cannot thank everyone enough! God Bless!

  • My partner and I talked and he said he would stop drinking but couldn’t promise it would be forever (talk about living in denial)! I attend alanon meetings, and was going to attend an AA meeting, and asked if he would like to attend with me. Of course he said “no”. He seems to think he can stop drinking on his own. I’m having a hard time dealing with this. I fear regardless of whether he stops or not, can I live with someone that has created so much damage in our relationship without constantly looking over my shoulder. Not sure I will ever trust him again. So I’m detached to a point of numbness and lost all hope, thinking I need to leave this relationship and move on.

  • Pez

    sounds like it Dallas. He is obviously not serious to say he could not quit for the rest of his life. He doesn’t want to go to meetings and thinks he can do it on his own. We’ve all heard that before. He is continuing to pull your leg Dallas. It would be best if you leave and move on with your life and start anew. Its hard but will be here for you! I think you’re seeing the writing is on the wall.

  • josie

    My soon to be ex husband tells me all the time he doesnt have a problem and can stop at anytime and that the reason he drinks is because im a miserable person and if you had to come home to me you would drink to ? who says that to someone they have been married to for 21 yrs ? an alcoholic that only cares for themselves im learning that going through a divorce is not fun and it seems to be worse since this man is so angry at me ? not sure why when the person he should be angry at is himself but as you know they are never the reason for the problems. He is coming over today to discuss a settlement so we can get this divorce over with its sad to think that the man i thought i would spend the rest of my life with only cares about himself and material possesions 🙁

  • brigitte

    Pez, I couldn’t have said it any better. You hit the nail right on the head with what u said about alcoholics moving onto what’s easy. They do, without a qualm as to the hurt and trauma that they cause their wives and kids. So so sad and selfish. Its been a year that mine left us and wow! Time sure does heal and as you grow stronger, you look back and see how sick you had become. I was pathetically ill with what his alcoholism did to me. My counsellor told me a year ago that he did me a favour and I cried and asked her how could she say that? But she was right!! He did myself and the kids a huge favour. We have found happiness and most of all, serenity. Such a lovely place to be. That poor sick man is still wallowing in his self pity and running around chasing his tail, still searching for goodness knows what and all I can do now is feel sorry for him. He is not my problem to deal with anymore.

  • Julie

    Dear Josie: From what I am reading, it would appear that alcoholics are all cut from the same cookie cutter. The reason why you are miserable is because you are married to an alcoholic. Case closed. You are damned if you do or damned if you don’t. I know it is going to be hard to do, but don’t believe a thing he says. And I hope you have some backup when he comes to discuss the divorce. I made it a point to NEVER be alone with my ex-alcoholic again after I left. And believe me, he tried to get back at me every way he could. Stay strong. Once it is over, you will need some R&R to get back on your feet. After that, you can take stock of your life and plan a new beginning. I know it is going to be hard. I did it at 59 years of age. If I could do it, anyone can. I can’t begin to tell you how much better life is without the alcoholic. It is truly unfortunate that so many of them never get sober. But it’s the facts. Blessings and good luck.

  • Julie

    Sober partners who put up with crap and say they still love their alcoholic partners are codependent. They are scared stiff of being left alone so they stay… saying they still love their partner… yet, continue with the blame game on the alcoholic. No wonder why the alcoholic hates them. They are continually being punished emotionally, just as much as the sober one is by the alcoholic. No one wins here. The sober ones fail to realize, however, that they are making themselves into mothers and martyrs from their hen-pecking (NO one likes a martyr, what with their bitterness. They have two choices, stay or leave… BOTH come with tremendous risks… but not often enough do they look at the long term benefit for them to leave. They are living in the present. Please Google codependency and learn about yourselves. Start to love YOU, regardless of your choice!!!

  • Julie

    From the other Julie — Dear Julie: You are absolutely correct. After I left my alcoholic ex-husband, I had to recover from being a co-dependent. Once the anvil of co-dependency was taken off my shoulders, I think I lightened up by about 50 pounds. This love/hate/pity/martyr thing can be overcome. It takes self-awareness and hard work. I have found that focusing on me now rather than trying to find someone else has been good for me. Gives you time to clear your head. Hopefully if you find yourself in another relationship you will not make the same mistake again. Without self examination, however, I can see how it could be very easy to fall back into the same situation with another alcoholic. Melody Beattie said it better than me, “Co-dependent no more.”

  • josie

    Hi to Both Julie’s,
    thank you and you are both right i have read that book also and i am very co dependent and learning how not to be has been challeging to say the least, but i know i deserve so much better. My problem is not understanding how someone you spend half you life with can do the things they did act like they are so in love and then boom blindside me with divroce papers i just dont understand that, Or shall i didnt understand that but i know now that an alcoholic only care for themselves and thier next drink and nothing else. Myself and my children deserve so much better. I know in time it will get easier it just sucks that someone could do that to another person. Thank you again for listening and all the encouraging words.

  • Julie

    Josie: I am hurting for you because that is EXACTLY what my ex-husband did to me. Much more than half my lifetime spent in the same kind of relationship and me asking the same question over and over again: How could he possibly do that??????? You answered the question. They are singularly the most self-centered people on this planet and are incapable of empathy. So stop beating yourself up, accept the fact that their character defects go along with the territory and ask yourself why you would want to continue to be in a relationship with someone like that? Let him go. I am going to quote a few sentences from a reading from CoDA about letting go: “In my sick dependence to people who weren’t good for me, I never let go of anything I didn’t leave claw marks all over. I no longer have to hang on to people who are emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually unavailable to me. I no longer have to devote my efforts, time or money to people who would take my kindness AS A SIGN OF WEAKNESS and use me for everything they can get, giving me nothing in return but heartache.” There is more, but those are the most important thoughts. So there you have it in a nutshell. If you think there is no hope for him, then get out. I’m telling you life IS better when you do.

  • I sold my house left a good job and moved countries with my partner who promised never to drink again. Now 18 years later aged 59 I am sat here typing this and my partner is drunk and sleeping it off three houses down the road at his mothers, who of course being a mother never sais a word to him, she of course blames it on me! I never had a family so I am now on my own in a house I cannot afford on my own and I cannot get work here. The house is in joint names and he refuses to sell I cannot go back to the UK as both my parents have died and I only have one brother I cannot move in with him at my age. I am so mad and angry at myself for allowing this to happen time and time again. I have been hit, kicked and spat in the face my this man and have taken it all. What am I going to do can anyone help me? I am so depressed at this stage.

  • Julie21

    Josie and Brenda,I think the essential meaning of co dependency is that your core value (value you place in yourself) is based on someone else’s view of you. thus you are co dependent on that someone. Once you find value in yourself just for being you and start to love yourself regardless of that someone’s feelings or judgement of you, then you are on the road to stop being co-dependent. That is what i learned. I did not even realize it for many years while i was in the relationship, but i was basing my own value on what my AH thought of me or said about me or the success of our relationship. Once i realized that i was more than that and i had value on my own and was a wonderful person no matter what my ah said or thought about me. Then i finally would not put up with his treatment of me. And since he decided that he just did not care i knew i had to leave. Ironically there was a while during our marriage that i used to wish he would leave me just so i would not be the one who gave up on our marriage. But when i finally got tothe point where i filed for divorce, i was a different person who had already started on the road to be codependency-free. I realized that we did not really have a marriage. I knew i had given all i could to make it work but you cannot make it work and be happy if only one side of the relationship is willing to change and grow.So although you are hurt because you feel your ah gave up on you and is deserting you, maybe it is a blessing in disguise. He is making the decision that is too difficult for you to make even though it hurts either way. The pain will go away with time. But it will never go away if you stay with someone who does not really care enough even about themselves to change to better their life.

  • Julie21

    Julie, You are absolutely correct. My ah did the same to me. When he met me he knew i was a kindhearted person and always put others’ feelings into consideration before making choices or reacting. He knew what i was inside and he used me instead of charishing me. The qualities of my personality that made me who i am he used to hurt me and exploit me for his own selfish wants. And that is a terrible thing to do. But when i look back at our history together i realize that is exactly what he did. So sad and i am so glad i finally got out before he destroyed me.

  • Julie21

    Jacqui i am not sure what country you are currently residing in. Does your country have any social programs or charities that may be able to offer you some assistance? Do you have any friends in the country or go to church there where they may have some ideas on what you can do or where to go for help? That is what i would look into first.

  • Pez

    I think that question IS THE Trama we all deal with. “How could a person that proclaimed love forever, idealized you in the beginning etc, etc, etc, do this–be so cold. That’s what tramatised me with PTSD for a long time and still some side effects today if triggered. I believe one answer is since alcoholics most ALL have the same character defects it has to be alcohols effects on the brain! Or they would not be so identical. Excessive alcoholism creates extreme selfishness and KILLS emotions including empathy. Also, we are sooo different real human beings that love and feel and are flabbergasted they could be so cold, go to a low-life woman, be vindictive and “punish” us, even their own children! It’s hard for us to grasp at first. But, like Julie said, it goes with the territory! This is what alcoholism does to almost every one of them! Acceptance is the key. acceptance that alcoholics are mean, selfish, cruel, liars, cheaters, vindictive, Narssacitic to the MAX. Other addictions have this same effect on brain function crack for example.

  • josie

    Thanks again for the words we all need to hear it even though some of it we don’t want to believe could be true. How this person you thought loved you clearly doesn’t and only cares about themselves. I hate that my marriage is over but I know I deserve so much better as we all do. I hope on day they break their addiction and be happy,but we have to stop waiting for that day that will probably never come. We need,deserve to be happy,it’s been along time.

  • Julie

    To the other OTHER Julie…. be careful on your next selection of a partner. Realizing I was a codependent in my relationship with this alcoholic made me think hard about my selections of partners before him. There were 3 failed relations prior to him with sober men. However, in analysis, I realized they all had one thing in common… narcissism. I learned I attracted these men to me as much as they to me. It’s called the dance of narcissist and codependent. Everything is unbelievably good in the relationship in the beginning. Just warning you not to repeat relationship, not with just an alcoholic, but not with a narcissist.

  • Pez

    And look at it this way too. Even if they would get sober and your dream came true, many of them remain dry drunks with the same personality flaws as when drunk–selfish, immature, blaming, Narcissitic, etc….This is from years of habit and brain damage. They still don’t change! And since they don’t change and feel even sobriety has not made them happy–may as well drink–right. Relapse! My XAB was sober 8 years before we met and his X wife said he was still an abusive dry drunk cause he refused counseling to develop a new way of thinking and living, thus the divorce! It is hard to change YEARS of negative thinking and acting without INTENSIVE counseling. The ones who make it and thrive realize this and are dedicated to God and his principles and AA or a very good counselor.

  • Julie21

    Pez and Julie thanks for your words of wisdom. Julie, I will be very careful when choosing a new partner and have a list of red flags to watch for. When i think back those red flags were there but in the beginning as i was a naive 18 year old i did not recognize them as red flags. Especially when he was so good at turning around on to me any poor behavior he exhibited with tears in his eyes and somehow turning it around that it was my fault. Huh. No more believing that garbage. But right now i am not really looking for a relationship yet. Still healing.
    Pez you are so right too about the behavior with or without the drink.Mine had immense feelings of entitlement and always chose selfish behavior over caring behavior and that was whether sober or intoxicated. Also a reason not to stay even if he quit drinking which he never did or proclaimed to do. It was always i”ll quit for a while or I’ll cut back but you have to deal with it if you love me because it is who i am. Anyone who says drinking is who they are is a definite red flag.

  • Wow,what interesting but sad stories.It took a long time for me to realize how many traits were tied to alcoholism vs he drinks but has all these other issues!my husband does not drink too much now as I have helped him realize it could shorten his life and doesn’t bring out the best in him!That conversing was done while sober and w/o judgement and lots of sympathy about how hard it will be.To some,this is beyond comprehension,but by praising and rewarding,and helping him replace the fuzzy,buzzy feeling of alcohol with the ability to have lively ,intellectual conversations,losing weight off his belly,and feeling more alert and I am smiling again it is improving daily.I know it’s a start,and not deceiving myself because he actually is talking about going to a rehab facility so he can go all the way.To sobriety with more tools than we have.This all started by clicking g on ways to communicate w alcoholics and added in New literature lately on changing your habits,and perceptions.I never realized so much of what he did was habits and all tied to drinking.Working on dismantling them apart.

  • Pez

    Yea, I know what you mean Julie21. I have tried to date but see “demons” everywhere–I’m scared! Men scare me now (no offence guys). I still have lingering trama and anxiety from time to time. Honestly, don’t know if I will ever be able to trust someone with my love again. I hope so, but I honestly don’t know.

  • Julie21

    Cindy, I am glad to hear things seem to be working out for you. I hope it continues and gets better in the future. The difference i believe is that your husband cares. It is true that my ah’s behaviors could be a result of many issues he may have inside of him. But those are not reasons to punish me for being his wife and use me as a maid and whatever else he deemed fit. Mine was like that whether he drank or not and trying to help him through his low self esteem issues etc… did nothing but make me a bigger target for him. I treated my husbnad with love and tried not to use words out of anger but to be careful how i spoke to him and not to be accusing. It did not matter. He refused to acknowledge anything but his own feelings and that did not matter if he was drinking or not. It was always about him. He was even sent to rehab by work and then by the courts twice and still his behaviors continue. He had chances placed at his feet to get the help he needed and he refused it. I see that as he does nto care or want to change. I am happy to hear that sometimes it works out, but not in my case. God Bless you and your husband, Cindy.

  • Julie21

    Pez, i hear it takes time. I think my problem is I am always wary that people are pretending to be someone they are not to fool me like my ah did.

  • mrniceguy

    Hi Pez and others. Im new on here,hope im commenting in the right place,haha.Firstly i would like to say to all on here that these blog sites are a vital aid to our own recovery and understanding of what has happened to us all. Ive found its took me away from my tv,im on all the time now learning and listening to others and educating others and myself.
    Its so helpful to get some answers ,as we didnt get any from our partners.
    I am going to post in a number of paragraphs as it boaring reading one long one,or at least i think it is,lol.Please assist and comment on what we have gone through,,it does help, thanks, my first post is for pez,as we sound alike in what we feel and have gone through.

  • mrniceguy

    Pez.I totally understand where youre coming from re trust issues,having been idealized and put on a pedestal,repeatedly told how much they loved you,constant texting of emotional feelings towards you. Then “boom” you upset them somehow,you triggered a negative within them,you started the splitting process,they are now devaluing you,but we dont realize this,its so hard to understand,we dont think like them. I would just like to say that pez” you experience sounds a little like borderline personality disorder,they do exactly as you have described, rather than go on about it here,,please read blogs etc on bdp,,a good site borderline personality disorder savoryfish is a good commentor,,google will take you to these sites easily just type it in,,you will be very suprised i think.i,ll go next paragraph,

  • mrniceguy

    Hi pez,and others. What i have just gone through sounds the same as yourself pez. I came out long marriage,very hurt,got over it over 1 year,became reclusive,hardly ever went out.Then a friend said she had a friend that was interested in me,she joined my fb and started to comment etc a little etc etc. However i did notice she was distant and a little strange “but i liked that” quiet,shy,timid,not really many friends etc,her friends felt sorry for her sort of girl,im sure you know the sort.
    Anyhow we arranged a few times to meet up,,she cancelled last minute or didnt reply to message,,strange i thought,as she was the one who wanted to meet. As you so rightly pointed out pez,,signs of mean selfish behaviour was there already,,she showed no concern to my arrangements.We just dont see it at first,or we put it down to people being a little like that.its no biggy at first we think.
    Now your comments on how you will ever trust to love someone again really struck a nerve with me,those words u used are exactly how i now feel,,as i also was led to believe all the words of kindness and loving gestures,,we let our guard down,,,thats the fatal mistake im afraid with these people,,they play on it,we have let them into our armoured suit.
    Now i dont know exactly what happened to you,,however i think the end is the same,.You are now really sad,emotional,frantic,desperate at times,cant sleep,cant concentrate etc. You cannot believe they would do this to you,,it just makes no sense at all , the way they act doesnt go hand in hand to what they text us does it.In other words we feel like shit,sometimes wondering how we can carry on.. But it does get easier pez,believe me,and reading and talking on theses sites is our only help,,you better believe it,these sites are an abundance of knowledge and true life experience,,and they will go on to help others like us,and educate people on whats really hidden as the offenders never explain,people then think we are crazy for going on about it,am i right”Well dont feel ashamed,get your stories out there ok,,its helping everyone whos gone through what we have.How we will love and trust again is so hard to see at the moment.

  • mrniceguy

    On with the story,,ive already posted most of this on the borderline blog,, as my gf seemed to have traits of the behaviour of borderlines in a relationship.Sometimes childlike to the extreme,mainly all contact was at night,texts,and in the day its as if i never existed,,she rarely replied to text through the day,,and she didnt work a lot.So anyway,,when we met we got on great,carried on dating,just at weekend one night per week,she kept me at arms length as she had a daughter and didnt want her involved until we decided we were going to keep seeing each other,,ok i respect that. She was a lovely well spoken educated lady,,a little above my station i thought, Why is she interested in me i though,im no brad pitt. She said she liked my strong character and lovely nature,i was kind and caring etc,,,fare enough i thought.The dating went on for 4 weeks before we slept together,,then boom,,she suddenly became over jealous,,didnt like me going away for a few days,,very huffy,,lots of talk about ex wife etc etc,it was all so over the top,,then she started saying she was in love with me,,a bit quick i thought,,however we were close and got on so well. We would go for a meal on a night at weekend then stop and have a few drinks then home. She was fine,no problem,,so different to when i wasnt with her,,like a split personality. This is what causes our heads to go loopy later,, we absorb all these traits and the way they are acting,and all the nice things they say.We seem to think all our xmas,s have come at once.

  • mrniceguy

    We think to ourselves”this girl is so sweet and kind,humble,caring,,couldnt ask for more.Little did i know i can tell you”
    She had massive trust issues and kept saying things like,,you might leave me,i might hurt you,,you might hurt me,,im scared of this happening etc,really weird from a 48 year old professional woman i thought,,not as if we are kids.I assured her i would not wander,,i am a one woman man,im interested in her,,and her only..I tried to discuss her past and she did tell me a little,,shed been single for 12 year.only dated 2 guys in last two year,,didnt last long at all.
    She eventually said she trusted me and that it was a massive step forward for her,,,great i thought.I thought we were both happy,,she was always saying how happy she was. We went away for a few days,,seemed to get on ok,,then she went really quiet on 3rd night,, i noticed she could drink a hell of lot of white wine,,,,im not a big drinker but i measured one night and i noticed she drank about 3 bottles of white wine,,she didnt look pissed at all,, id be flat out after 3 glasses.Also bright as a button in the morning.. We came home and she was fine that afternoon,saying she was so tired,cancelled our meeting that night,,said she was going to bed. She put some nice comments on her fb,saying she had a great time etc,,Then 11pm that same night the woman turned into something i never knew was capable of..She unleashed a savage attack on me personally by text,,insulted me,said we had nothing in common,worlds apart,,i was a hothead,,etc etc,,she wouldnt reply to my texts or calls,,just said it was over,,just like that.. Well if you have experienced that sort of thing , then you know its so horrible.. How can this woman who loved you so much suddenly hurt you so much.. especially with no answers.

  • mrniceguy

    I stewed for 5 days with no contact,,it was also my birthday that week and she didnt even wish me happy birthday. so cold and callous as you said earlier..we dont believe they can turn like this…. then days later i recieved a text late that night and she admitted she had a big alcohol problem,,she apologized and said it had nothing to do with me and she was the one in the wrong,,well i was gobsmacked,,but i was supportive to her.She said she drinks at night in the house 7 to ten bottles of wine per week,,however now she told me it as if she doesnt want to know me now..its so hard to understand,,she said she finished it because she doesnt want to hurt me,or herself,,but she wants me to try and understand why she did what she did,,but she wont explain,i am left in the dark as to why we cant carry on.we got together the next weekend to talk,,we discussed how she has vunerable times when shes of work,,trys to keep herself busy so she doesnt drink in the day..ive never seen her drunk yet remember,i think she maybe controlled it as long as she could,,but when she was with me she couldnt drink to the extent she wanted too,,they wont explain to us,,they suddenly put up barriers,,why i dont really know !!. we arranged to meet the next weekend,,however she ignored my texts on the monday. She text me on the tues saying she was so pissed i didnt want to know her,,i rang her an she was crying,,it was so horrible and sad to hear her so upset,,she said she never crys, shes a hard woman,, i went up to the house and she was crying saying i cant help her,,nobody can. i calmed her down,,we talked a little,,then boom again,, she blew up at something i said,,with a devils look she started shouting at me,you are crowding my fukin space she said,,ive never seen nowt like it,,the woman i loved,,never seen her like this,,shes so quiet,, jesus she threw me out the house.. then as im driving home shes saying she loves me,,not normal at all.How are we supposed to understand this sort of behaviour i,ll never know,,thats why we need these blogs,She ended it again by text,,she said i dont want to see you anymore,,even though i offered my help,,she doesnt want to know,,wont explain,gives no reasons,!!!thats whats so hard,no answers,,as if they didnt care,,you are deleted from their life,forgotten,!! thats the borderline i think she is.Since then if i text her she just wanted to cause an argument,,she wont let me in,,i really still love her,,i also feel so annoyed and sad i cant help her,,but if they dont want help,then we cant do a thing.

  • mrniceguy

    So pez,, i understand it when you say you are frightened to date!!you dont trust men,,well thats the way i feel about women,,scared is the truth,,and as im not a falanderer or a so called fanny rat,excuse the term,,,then i find it hard to even think about trusting or letting anyone close to me again..Infact my gf used to hate men who go sniffing around the lasses,chasing woman all over,,treating them as sexual slaves if you like. However what she did to me then i told her this”You have turned me into one of the type of men that you supossedly hate,,as you have made me despise woman and not trust them at all,,,this is because she said shed never hurt me and it was what she wanted long term,,,we will never understand the alcoholic or borderline or bipolar,,so keep reading the blogs,,and goonight and good luck to all.xx

  • Julie

    So… mrniceguy… by saying SHE turned you into the kind man of man she always hated relieves you of any responsibility? I say not!

  • Julie

    Love yourself. The more you love yourself, the more likely you are to attract a person who is emotionally healthy. If you go out looking for love to fill a hole in your heart, then you are much more likely to attract someone who wants to take advantage of you. However, if you come from the perspective of having lots of love to give, then you will attract a similar person. YOU get to CHOOSE to love, just as you get to choose not to.

  • Julie21

    To other Julie You are absolutely correct. When you believe in yourself and when you love yourself you will attract the same type of people. And people who do NOT love themselves cannot truly love another.

  • Pez

    Hi Mr. nice guy, I was working all day so could not respond till now. Yes, I have researched the personality disorders cause in the study of alcoholism these disorders are very close if not spot on to alcoholic behavior. I think the changes in the brain cause by alcohol cause these disorders or some feel they may have the disorder 1st and use alcohol to self medicate. Narcissism is also spot on with severe alcoholics. It makes me wonder if those that don’t have addictions but have these personality disorders are so close to alcoholism and drug addiction–that would mean the same parts of the brain are affected in both!! Maybe in the future they could find out more about this to help those addicted. Yes, the behavior is shocking and hard to handle for us normal thinking folks.

  • mrniceguy

    HiJulie, I appreciate your feedback,however when people with disorders like borderline look for love,they do look for filling a void temporary,they know it cant last,they become close and then they have all their fears kick in.The same with functioning alcoholics,we get close!!they become frightened. they also do there homework and usually go for the soft hearted kind understanding man or woman whom they can see are warm hearted and loving.Their indulgence in the relationship is about themselves ! not us,they only act within their best interests for them,they also use our kindness and “love to give as you say”as a sign of weakness,,they pray on it, so we learn after the terrible devaluation/splitting to be weary from then on about showing how we feel..how much emotion we show them ?its a little difficult to explain!My comment about her turning me into the sort of man she hates is an effort as to make people understand how these borderlines/alcoholics behave when seeking out a new partner,or next victim.Wether we like to hear it or not,this is what they do.The term “silent assassins” has been noted on here a few times,,They home in on your needs and what you like ! they then idealize you to the extreme,making you think you and them are so compatible,it doesnt matter who much love you show them,they have an illness,,We have no idea of this when meeting them?? !! and they will always reject you in the end.Im sure we have all learned the hard way,and still are,,and all the comments i and others put on these sites are not meant to be condescending at all,i am just trying to educate others as to the behaviour and actions of these people.So we ourselves can also maybe keep our wits about us and learn to spot the early signs of a possible bad relationship on the horizon due to these illnesses,, This would save us all a lot of heartache.Thanks

  • mrniceguy

    Hi all. I think most on here have suffered a bad time with their partners re alcohol drugs and mental illnesses,However i think most on here are commenting because we have no answers to explain what happened or went wrong.Its not about blaming each other!!or who hurt who,its human instinct to defend yourself when you feel threatened or are attacked verbally or mentally,so this does cause friction in return.its about trying to understand the reasons this person acts like this,so we cant try and help them best we can. You have very little chance of them really opening up to you,they cant.We have all tried!!. We are on here for one reason and one reason only.!!BECAUSE WE LOVED OUR PARTNERS SO MUCH,,AND STILL PROBABLY DO.The hurt we are going through is so hard as we cant fathom it all out,its irrationality and nastiness is something we “as rational people” cant understand.So thats why we are on here,,to learn,teach,assist,and hope we can help ourselves,others and our partners to come to at least some recognition or how this all works.The loved ones who are ill are the ones whom are really sad inside,,i feel for them so much,its so sad they have to live this way,,,they reject help,make us feel they dont want us in their life,,so we can only take so much,,we ourselves eventually run away,,,,wether we love them or not,,its usually the way it ends up.

  • Pez

    I didn’t take it like that mr. nice guy. The thing that blows me away is mine went for a girl he knew was a low-life. this just shows what you said: They don’t care WHO they use as narcissitic supply–just so there is supply!! It’s discusting! Any attention will do for a drunk! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

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