I was married to woman who had a drinking problem and pill-popping addiction. There was never a moment when she was awake that she didn’t have one or the other in her system. The person who is mixing narcotics and liqueur together, on a regular basis, experiences intense mood swings.
My ex-spouse had some serious issues with criticizing others even if she wasn’t being influenced by some sort of drug. Her very nature was to be extremely critical of other people. Along with this negative behavior, she also had a temper that was unstoppable. She was a very angry alcoholic at times.
When she was under the influence of some mind altering substance, these negative emotions intensified to the point of extreme emotional, physical and verbal abuse on her part.
I have sure had plenty of training in learning how to cope with an alcoholic spouse. My knowledge on how to gain peace and serenity was gained through hands on experience.
During the intense season of being trained in how to handle outbursts of rage, juggle countless lies and deal with an unfaithful alcoholic spouse, I was attending no less than six support group meetings per week.
The information I’m sharing with you on how to cope with an alcoholic spouse was all learned from real life experiences, through reading many books on coping with alcoholics and by hanging out with people, in support group meetings, who had been dealing with alcoholics for many years.
On many occasions, I was left abandoned by her, plans were broken and promises never fulfilled. I’ve been lied to, cheated on, called every name in the book and physically abused.
I’ve been spit on and had things thrown at me. On one occasion, I was pushed down a small flight of stairs. One night when I couldn’t get into another room and lock the door fast enough, she forced her way in and hit me in the back of the head and kicked me in the back as I knelt in the corner with no way to escape.
I was with her when she decided to go into rehab and I was still there when she relapsed. The night she got arrested, I was the one who got the second phone call and the husband who refused to bail her out.
I know what it is like to be obsessed with an alcoholic. I know what it is like to be lied to repeatedly. I can also help you learn how to cope with an angry alcoholic.
Here are a few proven methods of coping with an alcoholic spouse that work:
- Understand that you didn’t force them to drink. They have decided to become what they are through their own choices in life. Nothing that you have done caused them to be an alcoholic. Nothing that you do makes them continue to pick up alcohol.
- There is now way that you can have any effect on whether they drink or not. You cannot stop them or convince them to not drink. Their choice to consume alcohol is beyond your control.
- You cannot provide a remedy for their illness, there isn’t one. They will only quit when they decide that it is time to get help for themselves. One exception to the rule, sometimes in rare cases an alcoholic will be sentenced to attend AA meetings by a judge. Periodically, people will find sobriety in those meetings and stay clean and sober. In most of these instances, the person was at their bottom and were ready to accept that they had a drinking problem.
Every situation that we encounter with an alcoholic requires different coping skills. In alcoholism support group meetings these skills are referred to as tools.
Here are a few more suggestions to help you cope with an alcoholic spouse:
- When they lie-don’t confront the lies.
- When they stay out all night-just go to sleep.
- When they want to argue-refuse to participate.
- When they come home-don’t analyze them to try and figure out if they are drunk or not.
- When they ruin your plans-be sure to have a plan B.
- When your mind wants you to snoop in their things-don’t do it.
- After the alcoholic spouse has left you a nasty phone message-don’t listen to it, delete it instead!
- Do something that you enjoy-instead of spending your time obsessing over what they are doing.
- If you get really angry with them-exercise, call a friend or attend a support group meeting.
- If your spouse gets arrested-consider leaving them in jail to suffer the consequences of their actions.
- Stay present in the moment-avoid obsessing on past events or fearing the future.
- Do something kind for someone today.
- Do something kind for yourself today.
- Spend time asking God for help on a daily basis.
- When you don’t have any expectations of them-you will never have to deal with a resentment.
- Never give an ultimatum unless you are going to follow through with your decision.
- Never argue with a drunk.
- Avoid having serious conversations with them when they are intoxicated.
I wish there was a magic formula I could share on how to cope with your husband or wife who is the alcoholic. As you can tell from the list above, there are different things that we do in different situations to help us cope with an alcoholic spouse. The main objective of all the ones that I have listed are to help you become more emotionally, physically and spiritually stable.
There’s no way that you can make your loved one quit drinking. You have no control over their choices, but you do have control of yours. When you begin to cope with the situation differently, then things will gradually begin to change in your favor. You can be happy in this dysfunctional marriage. It all starts with you taking responsibility for your own happiness.
For more helpful tips buy our Book On Coping With An Alcoholic Spouse.
Written By: JC Google +
John – I guess you are not a thorough reader. My wife went to rehab on Monday. First step, I know, but a very big one.
John, that is all you can hope for at this time. One step at a time. I mean, who can do more than that?
MCP, I am very happy for you, great effort and display of genuine love for your wife.
Here are a few articles you might enjoy:
What To Expect After The Alcoholic Quits Drinking
https://www.alcoholicsfriend.com/2013/08/after-alcoholic-quits-drinking/
How Should We Respond When An Alcoholic Gets Sober (excellent video on this page)
https://www.alcoholicsfriend.com/2011/04/respond-alcoholic-gets-sober/
Recovered Alcoholic Relapse and Prevention
https://www.alcoholicsfriend.com/2012/12/recovered-alcoholic-relapse-prevention/
I had a wonderful and loving relationship, with a 13 years sober, recovering alcoholic. We were together for 8 months, without a problem, then one day suddenly, she became another person, just as if someone had flicked a switch, and I just couldn’t believe, what I was witnessing. I am now well aware of Jekyll and Hyde behaviour. The shock nearly broke my heart and I suddenly became a prisoner, being controlled by my love for her. I tried to escape from her clutches and became very strong indeed, in order to cope, with her mood swings. We have now split up, because of my bad behaviour, which is all she can ever see. I feel as though I have been punished, for something, that has happened in her past. There is no such person, as a recovered alcoholic, but the behaviour of a recovering alcoholic, seems to depend on the amount of damage, that has been done, to the brain, whilst the person was an active alcoholic. I can only have theories about this, and I know well of many famous people, who have kicked the habit successfully. If I knew, when I met this lady, what I have now learned, I would have run a mile, when she told me about her alcoholism. In my last letter to her, I thanked her, for the amazing emotional strength, which I now have. I also gave her a set of rules, that needed to be discussed, if she was ever to try and return to me, but instead of an answer, I received an abusive phone call, and at the end of that week I was served a letter, by a policeman, asking me not to contact her again.
Cheers !! Ray.
I agree with Mike and John. My mother was a severe alcoholic. She stole my childhood along with my other siblings. As a result, our adult lives were destroyed as well. In fact, four of my siblings from my mother’s side became alcoholics and/or drug addicts. I’m sure she loved us, but she loved her alcohol more. As a result of her addiction, we were exposed to many dangerous people – more alcoholics and drug addicts that she brought home. I was my younger siblings mother starting at the age of seven. We were taken away from her by the state and lived in a county orphanage until my dad gained custody of us. The problem there was that he was a violent man and he married a violent woman who hated my brother, sister, and me. We visited my mother every other weekend, and I can only remember one or two of those weekends that she was sober. She married another alcoholic who was a child molester when he was drunk. During the weekdays, she would call us while she was drunk and say horrible things to us, or she’d knock on our bedroom windows in the early morning hours (soon after the bars closed) and bring drunks to meet us. When I was a young teen, She tried to sell me to men in exchange for alcohol on many occasions. She came to my high school graduation smashed and embarrassed me I front of my classmates. I also missed the prom because she ruined the dress that I made for the prom. I brought it to show to her, and the next thing I knew, she had it on. It wouldn’t zip up because it was too small for her. Hours later, six police were at our door trying to wrestle my mother into the police car. In the meantime, my dress was torn to shreds. These are just a few anecdotes that only slightly describes my life without a mother. I yearned for my mother, but she was never available to me. When I was married to my kids’ father, she called our house all hours of the night. We moved from California to Colorado to get away from the family drama, and I didn’t leave her my contact information. She’s somehow find out and start calling all hours of the night to say ugly things to my kids dad and me. It was horrible. We changed our number many times, but she’d always manage to get it and start the whole thing over again. My youngest half brother became a meth addict which eventually caused him to develop schizophrenia. He was eventually murdered by other druggies. He was 24 when he died. It was after his death that she finally decided to quit drinking. I was 40. The point is, she quit drinking when things became so tragic that she couldn’t ignore the consequences of her alcoholism. She quit without any interventions like AA or therapy or rehab centers. She quit cold turkey. To make a long story short, she drank because she chose to drink, and she quit when she chose to quit. Prior to quitting, she always used the excuse that she had a disease. I’m not angry at this point in my life, and I did well as an adult after many years of therapy and as a single mother. I never became an alcoholic or drug addict. I loved my kids to much to choose that lifestyle.
Dear Diana,
I wept as I read your post. It sounds like you were able to turn the corner relative to this lifelong tragedy. I pray you continue to find the peace and happiness you very much deserve. Thank you for sharing.
Diana, thanks so much for sharing a small bit of your life’s story here with us all.
My life growing up had many horror stories connected to it as well related to coping with an alcoholic.
My mom was a closet alcoholic. She eventually got sober through us doing a family intervention and stayed connected with AA. She blossomed into a beautiful mom, grandmother, wife and friend to many as she stayed sober for a lot years…
I was recently watching a Tony Robbins video. I was touched deeply when he started explaining that when we are going through the difficult things in life, we don’t realize that we are being shaped to be a stronger person and called to a deeper purpose in life which is divinely designed to help others.
Dealing with my moms alcoholism as a teen was the pits x 10. Fast forward to forty years later and now I have a ministry that helps people learn how to cope with substance abusers. A small part of that ministry is participating on this website in hopes of helping others deal with the alcoholic in their lives.
Somehow my spiritual muscles were being made strong through those experiences with my mother, strong enough to be able to help other’s deal with alcoholics in their lives.
I think forgiveness is a major key to healing from past hurts.
Dear Sarah and Bill,
Thank you so much for your heartfelt responses. Sarah, I rarely shed a tear as a result of my life story, but every so often, somebody touches my heart a certain way, and the tears come. It’s a good thing to do in order to cleanse the soul.
I will be 65 in August, and this is the first time that I have ever shared any part of my life story in any sort of public forum. I think that my mother made my life so embarrassingly public that I have become a very private person. I did, however, have years of therapy. One psychologist was so interested in my life story that he offered me free therapy for well over five years. I was a single mother for 12 of those years and I didn’t want my children to pay for my rough childhood, so I accepted.
I started reading this blog page about six months ago because I still have one sibling that suffers from AA. I needed some input, and this page along with some of the videos has helped me to deal with it.
I’ve gone through the forgiveness phase with my mother, but I keep my father at a distance because I believe that he is a true psychopath. That’s another entire chapter. His wife is well-matched with him. It’s just best that I stay away. My mother died July 2007. Prior to her death, I had a few good years with her. I’m very grateful for those years.
As the old saying goes, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Bill, you brought that to mind also. My brother, who also suffered severe alcoholism cleaned up in 1988 and a few years later, he became a missionary in Mexico; he focuses on orphaned children. My sister, who is still afflicted, is a functioning alcoholic who became an RN. She’s an excellent nurse, but her private life suffers. I eventually became a newspaper reporter and photographer, and later became an English professor. My work as an English professor allowed me the opportunity to serve young people, many of whom had very rough beginnings. I was a single mother of two, and I’m pleased to note that my children are successful parents, spouses, and both are successful in their chosen careers. My daughter is a therapist who focuses on trauma. Like you said, a lot of good came out of it all.
Interestingly, the names Sarah and Bill are two names of two very important people in my life’s journey. Sarah was the name of my beloved grandmother who filled the void of my missing mother whenever she could. Bill was my second love who shared some of the same childhood experiences as me. Sadly, he committed suicide years back, but while he was in my life, I learned to appreciate myself as a result of our friendship. It’s just an interesting addition to your responses. I’m not a religious person because prayers never saved me from the horrors, but there’s something spiritual about my first two responses from Sarah and Bill. I thank you both.
Diana
Mike – I would love if you spoke with my partner (father of my child). You sound exactly like him. However, he has yet to stop. So many false promises of stopping. If this happens then I’ll stop, If that happens, then I’ll stop. Yet he hasn’t stopped!!!
Nikki, If your partner doesn’t stop and you have the power to stop, then stop for your child. Stop for yourself first, though. Then decide what else needs to be done. We only have control of our own choices in life.
Best wishes to you.
Paula, Paula, Sandy and Carmen,
I wanted to thank you for your earlier posts in response to my Feb. 27th submission. Your feedback and personal stories helped tremendously. I wanted you to know how much I appreciated the kindness of your replies.
Paula G, i will be Paula T. lol Sandy you are so so wise in your words they make so much sense. The other day I posted “i’m done and he can just do it on his own”. the past fews days i’ve been struggling with this. he’s so sad he’s sobbing, he doesn’t do that. his teeth are infected right now and it’s causing him great pain. i think he’s been drinking o’douls (so it is probably sucking for him not to have beer right now) and i know he really sorry he behaves the way he does and doesn’t know why he does it. I am trying to stay strong. Doesn’t mean i don’t love him though. But am i obsessed instead? I think i was once. maybe not so much now. He says if it takes years to prove to me that he is willing to do the work then he will do that. we will see. i hope he does the work that needs to be done for himself. in the mean time. i’m working on me…enjoying some peace and spending quality time with my 3 kids who are all grown and in various stages of college. they are my happy place and it is different when it’s just me and them. i have bouts of sadness and i fight the urge to run back because i don’t want to see him hurt and REALLY wanted our marriage to work. so it makes sense when you say it takes our emotions a while to catch up with our logic…logic is it’s gone too far for too long and you can’t undo that. emotion says but what about the purple sky and pink unicorns:) when it’s the right time to do something different and to hear what you need to hear it happens. Sandy’s post was just that for me today. thank you all who share your strength, hope and wisdom. and thank you for letting me ramble on!
edward your wife thinks she is trying to help you. she is desperate for her husband to be available to her. i know exactly how she feels. i used to be her. it was a depressing, lonely and agonizing time for me, as it most likely is for her. i got my proof as to what i had suspected. i left my husband 3 years after. took me 3 years to realize this is a battle he has to fight without me and now he’s home in our house all alone, knowing he has lost the woman who loves him more than life. it’s true. he’s my world but i left anyway. he is my prince charming (when sober) and i can’t live in the same house with him. He’s a the best most giving person who cares for others genuinely (but he’s a raging angry unavailable addict/alcholic you never know when this guy will show up and make up reasons to be angry with you) my heart breaks for both of you. someday she will grow exhausted with trying to make you do what is best for you and focus on her own recovery. so you don’t have to worry about your good time being ruined. you will have to hit rock bottom what ever that is. i’m not trying to convince you to quit drinking. not at all….just try to understand your wife and put yourself in her shoes. how would you feel if roles were reversed?
Diana – what are you suggesting that I stop? Being with him? I don’t drink.
Nikki, I’m not suggesting anything. That’s not my business. All decisions are personal and only we as individuals know all the facts that surround our lives. Your journey belongs to you just like mine belongs to me. We have to navigate through life the best way that we can with the tools that we have available to us. We also have to weigh what’s most important.
What I’m suggesting is that the only way we can change the predicaments we’re in is by making changes. You are the only person who can do that for you. That’s what I had to do for me, and it worked for me.
This is the first day in my lifetime that I’ve ever opened up to a group of people before; thus, I may be a bit clumsy. It’s an unusual day and an unusual action for me and it’s not likely that I’ll repeat the day’s activities; however, today was a good day. I actually felt it was meant to be somehow.
Best wishes to you.
Sarah, Thanks again for opening the valves to my otherwise lock tight tear ducts. You truly touched my heart and allowed me to actually feel for myself for a change. Blessing to you. Diana
Paula T – I’m so glad you benefited from my posts….. It is therapeutic to open up about our stories in a safe place… where others understand somewhat what we live with or have lived with. I should be clear though – that I loved my ex-husband like no other – I still do to this day. In some way, shape or form, I will always love him. I knew, though – that I couldn’t stay married to him and survive. I attended Al-anon for several years – and could never figure out how to “detach” from him emotionally yet stay with him in every other sense of the word.
I wish I could explain more how much better life is now…..I live a life of simplicity and quiet. It really is something else. He is still drinking – passing out – fighting – arguing with anyone who will participate – putting others down – living his life the way he chooses. When I left him – my last words were “You’re going to die a lonely, old man” – to this day I stand by my words. I cannot fix him – I can only fix me and take care of me.
Keep the faith Paula T. – I do believe everything happens for a reason.
Sandy
Sarah J thank you:) we have to lift each other up. i don’t remember your story or what i said, but i am glad it was helpful to you.
Hi Raymond,
You described the shock of your experience well. You might want to read a book titled “Controlling People” by Patricia Evans. I found her first one on a table in totally out of place in a thrift store, titled, “Verbal Abuse.” One book led to the next one. The first book I mentioned will help you understand what part you play in the relationship. Don’t worry, you did not write the script, but you don’t know it’s a script in the first place. I was in a loving relationship with one or two warnings that I did not heed. I was married to him for 7 years. He took his life in January but not until I had become a very strong person indeed. I am in Al-Anon which I recommend too. In Al-Anon people know that you are there for the same reason they are. It is a feeling of understanding and support. If you don’t care for the first meeting you attend, find another group. It is my experience that if you found this relationship style once, you will find it again and again. That will repeat itself until you consciously understand what is drawing that into your life. Good luck.
Nikki, he does not want to stop and now that it is called a “disease” he loves it. Now he is not in charge but the disease. Total baloney. Unless he has alcohol Tourettes, he is lying. Until we all say enough to the baloney, it will go on and on and on and on……
Enabling started with AA and their belief that it is a disease. Sorry, A cowards way out.
Mike, Thank you for that comment. I remember when I first heard this one. When they say that this is a disease, it just offers “another” excuse to continue drinking. The alcoholic chooses to disease their bodies, minds, and relationships by abusing alcohol while blaming everything and everybody for their destructive lifestyle. They have excuses for everything… While drinking, they become self-inflicted narcissists.
The disease of alcoholism is not an excuse to drink. It is the reason they should never drink. The alcoholic can never drink. They will never be able to moderate their drinking. They are allergic to alcohol.
Denial is a big part of why they are still drinking. They are completely and totally responsible for their choice. You are not in charge of their choice. You did not cause it. You can’t cure it and you can’t control it.
My question is, “Why would you choose to be bitter and STAY with the alcoholic?” Does that not expose that you too have a problem? Lashing and slashing at others does not serve you well. It actually creates more of the same.
I’m speaking from experience. My alcoholic committed suicide two months ago. Before he did it I was exposed to a great deal of crazy making experiences. Seeking help for him did not work. Trying to explain or expect him to do better did not work. There is no way to reach out and make someone else bend to your expectations. There are ways to attempt to control others. If controlling someone else is what makes you happy, by all means continue to spin your wheels.
But if your true goal is inner peace, happiness, prosperity, or simply a “normal” life, you will stop lashing and slashing and giving your power away to the alcoholic. You will seek help for yourself. You will seek your own true joy.
I know that some of you feel trapped and angry. Consider what happens to a trapped animal. Your negative reactions are normal and you do have a responsibility to yourself to process them but you have a greater responsibility to your your future happiness. YOU CAN’T MAKE SOMEBODY MAKE YOU HAPPY. You CAN make yourself happy. You can do it one step at a time. Start small and find a YouTube movie that makes you laugh. Then find another and another. Join Al-Anon. Join a church. Take a class. Take a walk. Imagine you are taking a walk. I could go on and on and on but I believe that you can come up with better ideas for YOUR happiness than I can.
Be gentle with yourself. Remember that if you are treating someone else harshly, you are doing it to yourself too.
Carmen
Alcoholics are struggling with MUCH more than just making a choice to drink…The alcoholic is physically and psychologically addicted to alcohol.
Here are two very interesting comments form the National Institute Of Alcoholic Abuse And Alcoholism supporting that alcoholics are physically dependent on alcohol and that alcoholism is a mental disorder.
“Alcohol is readily available to most people and is widely and openly used, and 18 million American adults are physically dependent on this substance. ”
“Alcoholism, major depression and other mental disorders, cannabis dependence, and tobacco addiction tend to co-occur in a relatively short time-frame during youth. ”
Read the article here:
http://1.usa.gov/1X7gCl3
Bill, Yes, you are so right, and I don’t argue your points. What I do argue is that it is referred to as a disease. I believe that their bodies and minds are diseased as a result of the addiction and that the addiction is just one symptom of something else; however, when labeling it as a disease, it offers yet another crutch. The suggestion also causes other family members to feel guilt for reacting to the alcoholic or drug addict differently than what they would react to somebody with cancer, MS, or other real diseases – diseases that are not always brought on by choice. I believe that “addiction” is a more correct description of alcoholism. Some people are more likely to become addicted to substances than others because of brain chemistry. I realize this and understand it. But to call it a disease – well, I don’t agree. As a child, it scared me to think that I may have inherited this horrible “disease.” And truthfully, the notion that it is a disease caused me to enable my mother, so at seven years old, I became my younger siblings mother. That enabling thing lasted for years until I was old enough to figure out that she could stop if she really wanted.
Carmen,
First of all, I’m so sorry to read about your husband’s suicide. Even though you obviously understand what it means to love an alcoholic, this is still a sad ending. My youngest brother died as a result of meth. He was actually murdered by meth dealers, but his addiction is what led him to his final day here on Earth.
Your response is well said. I was in a short relationship with an alcoholic, but it ended when I discovered that he was addicted. He kept it hidden from me until he could no longer hide it. My relationships with alcoholism and drug addiction, are with nuclear family members. I have never chosen to commit to a relationship that involved an addicted person because I had enough of that by the time I was old enough to date.
I’m a person that speaks out without using euphemisms. I don’t like beating around the bush; thus, my comments may sound harsh at times. They’re not meant to be. In reality, I’m a big softy. I discovered long ago, that I have to protect that part of myself in order to preserve it for others who would appreciate it.
The alcoholic must view alcohol like Muslims view pork. It is untouchable, unthinkable and unimaginable.
Since we view it as something we can still do when we are better or just a little bit, we will never win over it because we still want it.
I have never bought into my wife’s disease scam. She has stopped but I know the pull is there. I understand that alcohol relaxes the body and mind when stressed. Hey, news flash…life is stressful and deal with it. There is no easy way out, so stop pretending and face it like an adult. This type of thinking has enabled people to have affairs due to a “cheating gene.” Come on, these are all choices and the number one culprit in all of this is AA. They are enablers and fail to calling the drinker to what they are to their face. AA claims to be to call the drinker to their faces but gives drinkers the biggest excuse ever. “It’s a disease.” That defeats they whole premiss of AA: Accountability.
This is why AA hated me at their meetings. There are people in AA 40 years every day, but happy the are free from alcohol. How is that free? Now AA is the addiction, everyday for the rest of their lives. If that is freedom, I don’t want it.
Mike,
Once again, you say it like it is and you say it well. And I believe that calling a spade “a spade,” is the most honest approach to the problem.
I went to Alanon twice in my life to find ways to deal with the addicts in my family. I had to walk out both times because I couldn’t handle all of the crying. I wanted to hear the stories and how others were dealing with their loved ones, but I couldn’t get into all of the competition for sympathy. I do realize that being a loved one of an alcoholic is a very sad situation because I have truly been there, but everybody deals with it differently. For me, I needed strength not sympathy.
I also agree with the daily AA meetings for 40 years. The meetings become the drug of choice. I must say, however, it helped one of my brothers to get past the first part of sobriety, but then once he got a handle on it, he decided to do something productive and serve the less fortunate – people who he shared the same heartache with – children who had been orphaned by their addicted parents. On the other hand, it didn’t help my mother. Instead, it made her want to drink. Once she decided to quit years after I was in my 40s, she quit cold turkey without any therapy or AA. Again, everybody’s different, so what’s good for some may not be good for others. If AA helps people from dying of liver disease, and if it helps them to function in society and show love towards their family members, then it’s an important part of their sobriety.
Thanks again, Mike. It helps to hear that others have similar feelings.
Diana
Mike,
I can understand your point of view, but I don’t see the need for you to knock AA. Beginning way before any of us were born, AA has successfully brought recovery to thousands of alcoholics. Many of them, having tried all other options unsuccessfully. Perhaps it’s not for everyone, but I think the important thing here is that the alcoholic has multiple choices for their recovery, SHOULD THEY CHOOSE ONE. Perhaps one size/type does not fit all. Anyway, I just hate to see you throw the baby out with the bath water……Thanks to it’s partner program Alanon, for helping me to climb down from the crazy tree, when I didn’t know what to do about my AH. I am so thankful because I now know I can be happy no matter what my AH does/decides. That works great for me.
Carmen, I am sorry to hear of your loss. Just remember, you didn’t cause him to drink, you couldn’t control his choice to drink and you could not cure him. It’s not your fault. I’m confident that you did the very best that you could given the difficult situation you were in.
I love to see so many people participating on this site, all with the same intentions, “to help each other”.
Thanks to everyone who is conversing. All of your comments are greatly appreciated by more people than you know.
AA and Al-anon are outstanding organizations that have helped countless millions of people deal with the devastation that alcoholism causes. In both of those programs I’ve witnessed the power of unity of purpose. In fact, a relative of mine had tried to get sober and stay sober for about ten years, in and out of hospitals and treatment centers, they continued to fail. It wasn’t until they got plugged into AA that they stayed sober for 25 years before passing away.
The real grit of both programs happens behind the scenes as people learn about how alcoholism is destroying their lives and how to make positive changes.
Those changes are made by determined, bold, courageous, beautiful people who don’t run away from their fears, but do their best to face them head on. In both programs there’s laughter to enjoy, tears to be shed, wisdom to absorb, lasting change to implement, lifelong friendships to be made and amazing hope for a better life.
In AA and Al-anon, there’s healing for the alcoholic and for friends and family members of alcoholics.
I guess in sticking with the title of the article, coping with an alcoholic spouse is tough. Whether the alcoholic is in AA or not, whether the husband or wife is in Al-anon or not, whether it’s a disease or not, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not, it’s a tough situation to live in.
And because it’s so tough…we strive to find what works best for us, never giving up on ourselves and always hoping for changes that will bring strength, joy and peace into our lives on a daily basis. Yes, we are determined, bold, courageous, beautiful people who don’t run away from our fears, but do our best to face them head on.
Patti, those were my experiences and I wanted to share them, so that others who feel the same can know there’re others too.
I saw it as a place where drinkers could join other drinkers and learn the latest lingo and learn the best excuses for why they drink.
I was told I was harsh in my critizism, then the next moment we were told to be tough and not let the drinker take control and to call the drinker on their BS. To stand behind promises of leaving and letting them hit rock bottom.
Then, I was too harsh and needed to be unserstanding. Why wasn’t THAT enabling? Here is what my wife needs to understand: If she wants to keep drinking, she can do it alone. No more AA schizophrenia. Be tough then be soft. Drinkers abuse soft people to the fullest extent. They love soft because being soft gives in. The dog is tired of having the tail wag it. She was used to the BS she was giving to her family and friends and they were eating it up. AA was buying into all her BS too. Then when I showed up and told the truth, I was enemy #1. See, in the mind of AA, I was a heavy drinker and not an alcoholic, yet when I was drinking I was told that I was an alcoholic 100% by everyone. Now, I wasn’t an alcoholic because alcoholic can’t stop cold like I did. No AA, no doctor’s help. Not changing friends or places. I still went bars with friends but had soda or coffee. The bad friends just faded away as I got older and grew up. That was 18 years ago. I never temp myself and think I am failure proof. I know my limits and act accordingly. I just finally made the choice to stop or lose my career.
I am a fireman. The choice was to keep drinking or lose my job. That made me stop. Not my health or losing family. It was the fear of not going to anymore fires. Isn’t that crazy? So selfish, but it worked. That is what God used to help me beat it. The solution is to find what it is, that is of enough value to make the drinker to stop.
Oh, and by the way. All alcoholics have mental issues of trauma. If the drinking is attacked without mental work, you’re doomed to failure. Rolling the stone up the hill to have it roll down every time. I want everyone here to beast this shit of alcoholism. I hate it so fucking much. I wish I could choke it out of every alcoholic. You do not know how much I wish we were all free of this demon called alcoholism. Be strong and stay strong.
When my mother was trying to trade me off to drunken men in trade of alcohol, and when I refused, she called me, “Little Miss Goodie Two-Shoes.” My own mother! She was supposed to protect me from those creeps. So, I’m sorry, but tough love worked for me. I had to free myself of the abuse. Now I’m getting the same sort of abuse from my sister who was also called “Little Miss Goodie Two-Shoes.” I’m not at an age when I’m tradable, so that’s not happening, but the screaming assaults resonate with what I went through while trying to protect her from out-of-control alcoholics. I am a softy, and tough love is hard for me to dish out, but I have no other option. That sort of abuse hurts even though I know that it’s the alcohol talking. I love my sister even more than my mother, but I have to do something to protect myself. There is a part of the brain that doesn’t differentiate with what’s real and what’s not. Verbal abuse is damaging. It wastes loved ones’ lives.
I don’t know how I ended up in a conversation about dealing with an alcoholic spouse, especially since my issues are with nuclear family members, but we all seem to be in the same boat with our addicted loved ones. I do appreciate the interaction with everybody. Thank you.
yes we all wish we could smack the alcohol away:) it does suck. Diana, YOU are couragious. it’s amazing what words can do. they ended my marriage and before that damaged my self worth as a child. now i’m considered “the poorest rich bitch” they ever knew, because i broaden my knowledge base, life experiences and kindness. They don’t understand me and i don’t understand them…some of these people are active users some not. either way. we tend to believe those who are supposed to love us…well until we realize it’s an attempt to manipulate and drag us down.
Exactly, Paula. They don’t want us to succeed and do well because it will reflect on them and their actions. I thank you for your uplifting words, Paula. You seem very intuitive and strong. I heard this saying a long time ago: “It’s not my business what others think about me.” I connected with that one because I was also ridiculed by family members for attending college and grad school. I did it anyway. Their mocking just gave me more fuel to finish my goals. My therapist told me that by all rights, I should have ended up a prostitute and drug addict, and dead by a young age, but instead, I chose to break the chain and take another route. I’m not bragging; I’m just saying that we don’t have to give in to their manipulations that are meant to drag us down. We can choose to take different routes, better ones. Thank you for your supportive words. Kindest regards to you!
SEE! Diana YOU are the inspiration for those who are walking through hell. we dont HAVE to stay on that road! We CAN choose a different path. it’s all up to us! i didn’t go to college i just chose to keep learning and applying myself. I am so proud for you! I know it’s hard to step out beyond what our families or relationships know and are comfortable with. they fight us because really they feel less than because they know they are choosing wrong.
I don’t know how wise I am? i’ve had this apartment since last may and i’m really just now staying here. i keep getting on the merry go round…i’m a slow learner. and determined to have my way. lol see how that worked out for me?;)
On whether alcoholism is a disease,
I find this so interesting because, lets say it is and has been a disease as it has been called for sometime now, psychologists and psychiatrists don’t touch it, even though they take on things like bipolar and A.D.D. the medical world has no answers, and with alcoholism they can’t fake it either.
I have read that it has been referred to as a degenerative disease, and am not sure if that’s because it will eventually kill you, or if because it gets worse and worse.
How much attention does it get in the medical world in as much as research? When evidently so many people suffer from it, either directly or indirectly.
My feeling is that it is a form of a disease, with a traceable cause but of the soul or of part of the mind that we don’t understand, which explains why doctors throw their hands up in defeat.
Carmen, I am very sorry for your loss, and have seen my alcoholic get so depressed that he couldn’t stop drinking and he has often spoken of suicide. For the moment he seems safe.
Mike the mental work that needs to be done on the trauma alcoholics have experienced seems to be addressed in AA’s fourth and fifth steps. And it appears that unlike in psychology, they dissect these things to a point but in the end the alcoholic needs to accept that no one is perfect and that the blame game is futile. That may be over simplifying, but it’s my understanding.
I also think that society as a whole should be trying to attack this issue in young people before they start drinking, maybe teach some coping skills in high school in those years right before kids would start drinking. Tools that make dealing with stress and family issues something they can handle and give out resources for people whose lives are really not manageable.
We could at least try something as opposed to nothing.
Excellent comments EVERYONE!
Mike, I like what you said about the path that “God” led you on in order to stop drinking.
He has an individual path, plan and purpose for each of us. Not everyone takes the same route to sobriety.
Some find sobriety in AA, some without AA, some find it in prison, another might find it in church, another might find it because friends and family intervened. No matter where or how the strength to quit is found, I have to believe that it is God working behind the scenes of the individuals life helping them.
Mike you said that you’re a firemen, does drinking go with the job, do your coworkers support you or have you lost many friends on the job because you are sober.
Mike, No harm, no foul! You are doing amazing things with your life! I’m so happy for you, and proud of you. It’s all about the healing and growth, for all of us, our families, and in my opinion, ultimately the planet! Keep on keepin on!
Paula G, I agree with you. Alcoholism is baffling and perplexing. How about other addictions that are every bit as self destructive? I think in the beginning, an emotional weakness or wound leads us to try it. Later on, the addictive properties of the substance must kick in, and it’s a Double Threat one can’t forget! The addiction begins to grow and over time, becomes evermore the prime pre-occupation of the addict. How does an addiction lead one to such things as suicide? I know that I had an wounded inner child, which sub-conciously led me into repeated relationships with others just like me. Many of them have addiction issues, but others do not. Why? I feel just lucky that, even though I’m wounded, I’m not driven to be addicted to harmful substances or behaviors. I have my flaws though, as none of us are perfect…
I’m amazed at the sharing of everyone on this website! It’s so affirming to know that there are others who have survived situations as bad or worse than our own. It’s so wonderful to hear of the progress and successes of folks that have had the same or worse than myself. Here, I’ve learned helpful tips, ideas and ways of coping. It all gives me hope and Hope Floats! Thank you very much to EVERYONE on here, for their sharing and thoughtfulness. Thank you to JC for creating and hosting such a wonderful website.
Ben, drinking goes with those jobs because the body is stressed. The time between shifts is not enough to cope with so much sleep disturbance, it cannot relax, so it relies on other ways to cope, i.e. drinking. It worked. Now that I am past the excitement of the job, relaxing was tough without drink. It was my medicine that I took daily, all day. Then I made the choice to stop.
I only lost friends that were based on the drinking times. Those are still trapped in drinking. I’ve moved on. I didn’t leave them, just the places they made their home.
Those times and friends we’re like old toys of my childhood. Yes, they were good times with good memories, bust like a childhood toy, if one of them broke, I didn’t have a fit over it anymore. I put them in respective. Oh well.
Here is a nice little parable my old pastor told me….
There was a man, who every day, was waiting at the center of a tall bridge with a rope tied around his neck and the other end was tied to nothing. Every day as I got close to him, he would jump off the bridge. I would run over and grab the rope and with all my strength, hold the rope to stop him from falling to his death. I’d do this day after day after day. Then one day I knew I could not do that anymore and I let him fall. He made that choice and no matter how much I was blamed for not saving him, I knew the end was what he wanted. So be it.
It’s not enough to fake letting go, sometimes it is to let go and walk away.
Hi Patti,
For my alcoholic, who was trapped in the drinking, he would wake up each day feeling worse and each day would say I’m not going to drink today, and each day he would cave by 10:am, this was something he couldn’t beat, and this was the feeling that would make him say that he wanted to kill himself. So he really wanted to stop, desperately, but just couldn’t,no matter where he was in the day he knew exactly where the closest liquor store was, and in the city we are in they are in every strip mall and they advertise with big bright lettering. It is truly a miracle that he has stopped now for 3 months and seems to be doing very well.
I noticed that the relief a one ounce drink would give appeared instant and i felt as though there was something more to it, like a self hypnosis or something. Like giving a small child their blanky, unfortunately it wasn’t a blanky, and the way he would drink was on an empty stomach for the most punch possible. I used to tell him his liver was a precious little gerber baby, and he was burning the little gerber liver up. I don’t think it had much effect but i just wanted him to imagine his liver as fragile and lovable.
I think your dead on, and to add to the fact that the addiction has taken hold it seems to play out so often at an age that young adults usually learn really important coping skills, so they miss out on that, so the only answer they have is the substance. A catch 22.
The drink probably stop the anxiety and/or shakes.
Paula G, Yesterday, I wanted to address your post on “whether alcoholism is a disease,” but other things took over my day…
Your words made a lot of sense and I thought about what you said off-and-on throughout the day. What came to me was, like cigarettes are the main cause of cancer among some but not all smokers, alcohol causes alcoholism (among other diseases) among some heavy drinkers but not all.
I have two whole siblings from my mom and dad, two half siblings from my dad and stepmom, and two half siblings from my mom and stepdad. Out of the seven of us, three became alcoholics (all born from my mom) and two became serious meth addicts (one from my mom and one from my step mom). My stepmom and my dad didn’t drink or take drugs. It’s a good thing because they were violent enough without it. One child from their marriage became a meth addict. He was addicted for a little over 20 years. He cleaned up about three years ago, but not before he came down with Hepatitis C. He is now at end-stage liver disease. Both of my sisters from my natural mother are full-blown alcoholics who don’t eat when they drink. I fear for their livers. One brother, who like me couldn’t drink without having severe physical reactions to alcohol became a meth addict, and like I’ve mentioned before, he became mentally ill and was murdered by drug dealers. One brother from my stepmom and me from my mom were the only two that didn’t fall into addictions.
The point I’m getting at, after going through many similar issues with alcoholics and drug addicts, it may be possible that some are born with a greater propensity to become addicted to substances. That may be the “inherited” element to the mystery. I was saved from becoming addicted to either, and I thank my lucky stars each day for that. I think what kept me from addiction was my intolerance to substances that were foreign to my body (I can’t tolerate a lot of medications or alcohol without getting sick) and also because I had the responsibility of mothering my mom’s babies from the time I was seven. All of this did affect the way I chose partners. I am married to my third husband who is not abusive. The first two were. In fact, my husband and I will be married 25 years this coming July. He is my best friend.
Long story short, maybe the addiction to the substance is the disease. And you are so right; there is no real therapy program, outside of rehab centers, that focuses on alcoholism. There is therapy for adult children of alcoholics, however. Like Mike said, “I wish we could destroy alcohol” and also addictive drugs. These are the ruin of our society.
Hi Diane,
There is definitely something inherited, my alcoholic’s whole family have either suffered from alcohol, other substances or food abuse. I am a person who always tries to figure out the balance between nature vs nurture and I also believe that we inherit temperaments, like sensitivity and/or the tendency to take things out on oneself when things start to get thrown around. His whole family are extremely sensitive to what others think of them and how they judge themselves. To speak for my own experiences, I never felt like reaching for a drink until I started dating an alcoholic, and to me that speaks volumes. Passive aggressive cycles of pain. Thankfully I recognize the symptom and do not take the bait.
I can’t wait and encourage researcher to fully examine these issues instead of trying to treat the actual drinking, to me it is treating the symptom and not the problem. Since to me, that is what the alcohol consumption is essentially.
Paula G,
I agree. The cause needs to be researched more because treating the symptoms isn’t always long-term. My mom took Antabuse, and yes, she didn’t drink while taking it, but she couldn’t use any products that contained alcohol (hair spray, facial products, etc.). It did stop her from drinking while she took the drug, but once she quit using Antabuse, she started drinking again. Thank you, Paula.
Diana