I was married to woman who had a drinking problem and pill-popping addiction. There was never a moment when she was awake that she didn’t have one or the other in her system. The person who is mixing narcotics and liqueur together, on a regular basis, experiences intense mood swings.
My ex-spouse had some serious issues with criticizing others even if she wasn’t being influenced by some sort of drug. Her very nature was to be extremely critical of other people. Along with this negative behavior, she also had a temper that was unstoppable. She was a very angry alcoholic at times.
When she was under the influence of some mind altering substance, these negative emotions intensified to the point of extreme emotional, physical and verbal abuse on her part.
I have sure had plenty of training in learning how to cope with an alcoholic spouse. My knowledge on how to gain peace and serenity was gained through hands on experience.
During the intense season of being trained in how to handle outbursts of rage, juggle countless lies and deal with an unfaithful alcoholic spouse, I was attending no less than six support group meetings per week.
The information I’m sharing with you on how to cope with an alcoholic spouse was all learned from real life experiences, through reading many books on coping with alcoholics and by hanging out with people, in support group meetings, who had been dealing with alcoholics for many years.
On many occasions, I was left abandoned by her, plans were broken and promises never fulfilled. I’ve been lied to, cheated on, called every name in the book and physically abused.
I’ve been spit on and had things thrown at me. On one occasion, I was pushed down a small flight of stairs. One night when I couldn’t get into another room and lock the door fast enough, she forced her way in and hit me in the back of the head and kicked me in the back as I knelt in the corner with no way to escape.
I was with her when she decided to go into rehab and I was still there when she relapsed. The night she got arrested, I was the one who got the second phone call and the husband who refused to bail her out.
I know what it is like to be obsessed with an alcoholic. I know what it is like to be lied to repeatedly. I can also help you learn how to cope with an angry alcoholic.
Here are a few proven methods of coping with an alcoholic spouse that work:
- Understand that you didn’t force them to drink. They have decided to become what they are through their own choices in life. Nothing that you have done caused them to be an alcoholic. Nothing that you do makes them continue to pick up alcohol.
- There is now way that you can have any effect on whether they drink or not. You cannot stop them or convince them to not drink. Their choice to consume alcohol is beyond your control.
- You cannot provide a remedy for their illness, there isn’t one. They will only quit when they decide that it is time to get help for themselves. One exception to the rule, sometimes in rare cases an alcoholic will be sentenced to attend AA meetings by a judge. Periodically, people will find sobriety in those meetings and stay clean and sober. In most of these instances, the person was at their bottom and were ready to accept that they had a drinking problem.
Every situation that we encounter with an alcoholic requires different coping skills. In alcoholism support group meetings these skills are referred to as tools.
Here are a few more suggestions to help you cope with an alcoholic spouse:
- When they lie-don’t confront the lies.
- When they stay out all night-just go to sleep.
- When they want to argue-refuse to participate.
- When they come home-don’t analyze them to try and figure out if they are drunk or not.
- When they ruin your plans-be sure to have a plan B.
- When your mind wants you to snoop in their things-don’t do it.
- After the alcoholic spouse has left you a nasty phone message-don’t listen to it, delete it instead!
- Do something that you enjoy-instead of spending your time obsessing over what they are doing.
- If you get really angry with them-exercise, call a friend or attend a support group meeting.
- If your spouse gets arrested-consider leaving them in jail to suffer the consequences of their actions.
- Stay present in the moment-avoid obsessing on past events or fearing the future.
- Do something kind for someone today.
- Do something kind for yourself today.
- Spend time asking God for help on a daily basis.
- When you don’t have any expectations of them-you will never have to deal with a resentment.
- Never give an ultimatum unless you are going to follow through with your decision.
- Never argue with a drunk.
- Avoid having serious conversations with them when they are intoxicated.
I wish there was a magic formula I could share on how to cope with your husband or wife who is the alcoholic. As you can tell from the list above, there are different things that we do in different situations to help us cope with an alcoholic spouse. The main objective of all the ones that I have listed are to help you become more emotionally, physically and spiritually stable.
There’s no way that you can make your loved one quit drinking. You have no control over their choices, but you do have control of yours. When you begin to cope with the situation differently, then things will gradually begin to change in your favor. You can be happy in this dysfunctional marriage. It all starts with you taking responsibility for your own happiness.
For more helpful tips buy our Book On Coping With An Alcoholic Spouse.
Written By: JC Google +
In sports for example, if you want to get better, you play against those bette than yourself. If you want to function in the real world, you need to be with those with healthy thinking. Hanging out with poor thinking only keeps you in poor thinking. Poor decision making led them to drinking and the same thinking keeps them there.
For everything we do, we are rewarded. There is a reward to their drinking. They like it and won’t admit it and there is the inner conflict.
Like a husband who cheats. He says he doesn’t want to cheat but it feels good. He wants to feel the sex with another woman. He first lies to himself then to others to feel better. At AA meetings, everyone wanted to sound good to the others at the meetings. Either to show how good they were doing or proud of the speech they gave.
Look, all men desire to be with another woman at some point in their life. It is maturity that in needed to harness that thought. When the drinker finally admits it and says, “I like drinking and really don’t want to stop. I say I want to stop to keep the responsibility away from me, but I say those things to keep others off my back” then it is a waste of time to get help.
The best thing I could say about alcoholics having alcoholic friends is, Bad company ruins useful habits.
I have been married to an alcoholic for 19 yrs. I have felt so alone cause I can’t talk to anyone about what goes on behind closed doors.I have learned so much just from this website. It’s scary but it’s also very helpful.. Thank you.
All of you make it sound as if there is no hope if you love an alcoholic. I have to believe there is hope. My wife is going through a 1.75 liter bottle of vodka every other day. I have to believe there is hope for her!
The hope does not rest with you. I’m telling you and so is everyone else. She does not want to stop, for whatever reason. They believe their own lies about themselves. The problem with all alcoholics is, they’re extremely immature and their logic is as one of a child. They are like a child who breaks his favorite toy when failure comes their way, and that toy is them. It is all based on self-pity. First, they must values themselves and no pep talks about how good they are will work. They grew up with a lifetime of poor self-value. They hide it really well, but had you been looking for it, you would have caught it a mile away. Proof is in action. DO NOT believe their lies of how they will get well. Have them get well then have them come to you. If they will not get well on their own, then they never wanted to get well. You need to have them prove it. Just like you would with a child. Thats what they are. Older children. Listen to them and how they communicate and how they react. Big kids. They never grew out of childhood. You are teaching them to be adults. Something they never learned.
MCP, there is plenty of hope for change in your personal life. You can also have hope that your wife will eventually hit bottom. The main thing is to learn how to live a happy life even though your wife is drinking. The rooms of AA are filled with people who are working on staying sober. If you attend a few AA meetings you will have even more hope that your wife will eventually get her act together.
Reality of your situation:
1. Your wife gets better
2. She gets worse
3. She dies from drinking too much
This website has good resources to help you learn how to cope with your wife’s drinking problem. Check out the lessons which are filled with ways to live with an alcoholic located here:
https://www.alcoholicsfriend.com/audios-coping-with-alcoholics/
I have been coping for nearly 24 years. I am done with coping. I am working on getting her help. I just realized recently that I cannot help her by myself, I need help… professional help. I contacted a specialist and we are doing an intervention on Monday. She is going to get two choices, rehab or I move out.
MCP, sounds like she’s getting an ultimatum. It’s important to follow through if she decides that you are moving out. Otherwise it’s just a failed attempt to manipulate her into quitting.
MCP, try taking cake away from a child. He will have a tantrum. That is what we deal with, with alcoholics. 100% emotional wrecks that need to get fixed like a car in a shop. Lots of chopping, cutting and banging. If the drinker won’t leave drinking fiends, that’s like a guy who fixed his dented car and went back to the smash up derby.
Bill, I learned to cook and do laundry when I was 11. Moving out is not a problem for me. Very self sufficient.
But what does moving out accomplish? When one goes back, the situation is the same. The only thing moving out does, is turn it into a practice divorce. If you are not ready to get a divorce, do not move out. One of the things you will face, is your woman hooking up with another guy. She will feel the most unwanted she’s ever felt, and the smooth talker will be right behind her to take your place. You guys should know this.
@MCP – and anyone else in this similar situation…Mike is right… moving out is like a practice divorce and it is true that unless you’re ready to get a divorce, do not move out. Now, with that being said – after 24 years of living with an abusive, cheating, alcoholic spouse – I sought and found a therapist who dealt with such issues. I also had my two younger children in therapy as we all know it is a family disease. After two years of therapy and minimal changes within the household, my therapist suggested we move out for a short, two week span. Basically, it was like just taking a short break. She suggested this because she wanted us to experience what life can be like not living with the alcoholic. I am here to tell you it was an “eye opening” two weeks. My children and myself moved in with my mother just for two weeks. During that time I…..
-was NOT verbally abused
-was NOT emotionally abused
-was NOT mentally abused
-was NOT physically abused
-spent my evenings with my children or my mother – making memories
-did NOT have to clean up after the alcoholic
-did NOT walk on eggshells
-could think more clearly
-did NOT live life on constant edge
-did NOT wonder what kind of mood the alcoholic was going to be in
-did NOT involve myself in the drama of the alcoholic and his “work wife”
-did NOT get blamed for everything wrong in the alcoholics life
-did NOT get blamed for everything wrong in the household
-went to bed in a quiet environment
-did NOT have the alcoholic pounding on my door to “get up!” and argue
-did have the support of my family and loved ones
-did enjoy life living drama free and off of the cycle of fear associated with the alcoholic
I think you get the picture….. for me it was a test. A trial run so to speak… and I liked it. I had had enough – and I couldn’t do it anymore. You will never know how valuable those two weeks were to me. I did go back home as I had told the alcoholic that it was only for two weeks as I needed a break however, nothing had changed and I knew at that point that nothing was EVER going to change.
Nothing changes unless something changes…
Sandy
I moved out last May. Went back last October keeping my apartment. Now i’m back in my apartment for the same reason i left the first time. i suppose i knew that things would be the same and didn’t want to give up my “safety net”. I am now done and he doesn’t understand or believe me when i say i’m done. I don’t blame him. He has always been able to convince/manipulate me. I finally ran out of tears and hope. I wish him well and i hope he decides to get well, but he’ll have to do that without me. I’m finally ready to quit practice divorce and actually divorce. Have never been able to say that before. Last May i am sure part of me hoped it could be different. Not the way i feel this February.
I have probably posted in the wrong thread. I am not interested in learning to “cope” with my alcoholic wife, as I said, I have been doing that for years. Now don’t get me wrong, I certainly respect the opinions of those who have posted. And I certainly sympathize with those who are dealing with alcoholics. What I really need is advice on how to successfully get them to admit they have a problem and get them on the road to recovery.
MCP, we have several articles you might enjoy reading:
Threatening To Leave an Alcoholic Worked
https://www.alcoholicsfriend.com/2013/07/threatening-alcoholic/
Guidelines For Giving Ultimatums
https://www.alcoholicsfriend.com/2012/11/giving-ultimatums-alcoholic-addicts/
Unhealthy Situation To Remain In-Alcoholic Relapsed
https://www.alcoholicsfriend.com/2012/09/unhealthy-situation-alcoholic-relapsed/
Leaving An Alcoholic-Feeling Fear, Guilt and Confident
https://www.alcoholicsfriend.com/2012/10/leaving-alcoholic/
You can not force recovery. Good luck. If a person does not want to stop no amount of treatmemt will work. Treatment keeps them sober for the duration of their stay but once thats over… ding dong unless they are truly done and want to stop the first place they ho is to the store or bar. Treatment is not a cure. There is no known cure for alcoholism. Simple!
Wow! So many opinions. It makes it hard to decide exactly what to address but that is the point isn’t it?
I have found there is a difference between love and obsession. We all have our ways of expressing love and for the most part it is based on things we wanted to believe when we first stepped into our adult world. There is no single way to obsess or to love. Obsessing usually makes you feel like something isn’t fully satisfactory. Love on the other hand exists regardless of how you feel. Love is an action word. I know it is hard to wrap around that idea because we are so obsessed with our emotions. When you love somebody you really try to do the things that support them. I’m not talking about propping a drunk person against a wall. I mean the things that truly support their deepest requirements for life. Things like listening, changing diapers, taking time to feed someone a meal…that sort of thing. When we know we love someone we reach and do things with them and for them.
If we are emotionally maturing people we reach out from that place. If we are 5 years old we reach out from that place. We create our expectations of love based on our own experiences in life. The problem is that each and every one of us has a different idea of what this means. Inside a partnership we love and learn and grow and change together. This is what life is about. If one partner is dragging the entire relationship down whether it be from drinking, drugs, or infidelity, or maybe watching sports 24/7…then the relationship is out of balance.
Only we know if we have the stamina to try to stick to an out of balance relationship. I think when we make a decision to stay no matter what, we are limiting ourselves. This decision should not be a lifetime commitment unless you are growing and learning and appreciating. I wouldn’t choose to go camping for the rest of my life but I sure enjoy doses of it. If the bank spent my money and said, “Oops, don’t know what happened,” and they wouldn’t fix it, I would not give them another chance. We only do that with people who we invested our emotions with.
When we choose to get help and support we are changing the entire dynamics so that takes a type of courage, as much courage as it takes to leave. If you measure it all on a right or wrong basis, that is the same as a black or white basis. My background was filled with dysfunctional parents, siblings, and church. I walked into adulthood knowing that I wanted to move forward and lose the limiting and abusive structures around me. I will never be finished learning and growing, but hope to create relationships with like minded people.
Emotions don’t understand the choices we make consciously. They take a little longer to catch up. If we are used to having our emotions ignored or belittled we will walk into a relationship where that will happen again even if it us doing it to somebody else.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It is like putting gasoline on a fire that is already burning. Something is going to get scorched. It is another way of continuing a dysfunctional lifestyle. It is my personal experience that the alcoholic cannot “see” the other person. They “see” the bottle and possibly the other person through the bottle. If you believe it is honorable to stay with a person who is too drunk to take care of themselves, then you believe that. If you don’t, you don’t. If you are obsessed, then that is what you are at that time. All of that can change when you choose to change your way of thinking. Too many people leave an alcoholic because their friends pestered them or they were concerned about the children, but they did not take the time to work on their core values. It is your core values and the way you feel about yourself that keeps you locked in your life patterns.
I did everything the way I believed a loving wife would do it. I engaged a little then I stopped engaging because I couldn’t take the emotional blows being dealt. I suffered and tried to reach out but I reached out to the wrong people…his family…because I thought they loved him. After many months of detachment he finally left to go back to his siblings and other relatives. Two months later he shot and killed himself. He could have killed himself here in my home but the last act of love he performed for me was to do that somewhere else.
His disease caused his body to fail him in many ways. He blamed the failures on his job. He created many ways to ignore that his addictions were pulling him down. Living with him was like trying to dodge geysers. He created distractions and distortions. He thought on his plans for hours and blamed other people when his plans did not work suggesting that others simply were not as smart as himself. Not once did he ever accept accountability for the way his life was crashing around him. Instead of understanding that harassment is no longer accepted in the work place, he focused on the people he harassed and called them snitches. The list goes on and on and on.
If you give a child a candy bar, you guarantee a crash of that child’s systems in three hours or less. Most people do not seem to relate the child’s behavior to the chemical overload. Not all kids are the same but if you are dealing with a whining child frequently, you might want to check into their diet. We create body crisis by drinking sodas that contain 13 teaspoons of sugar. That is only one example. It would take too long to list every one I know. But if your body is reacting to what goes into it, what do you think your brain is doing? I know that I am touching on what seems to be a number of topics but it all boils down to our lack of awareness about what we are doing to ourselves. A lot of our suffering in relationships deal with crises caused by what we are choosing to ingest.
You have a commitment to you. You get to choose your attitude at any given time. You can love yourself or not. If your life doesn’t improve as you love yourself more, then you might be mistaking emotion for action. LOVE YOURSELF by making an effort to not say self critical remarks. Love yourself by looking in the mirror and finding something you like. Love yourself by taking the time to take a nap, listen to really great music, eat your vegetables, or call a friend who supports you…not one who yells at you or criticizes you. It may seem like it is easier to live in the chaotic moments of your life but in reality the quickest route to happiness is to give yourself the loving attention you need. Your mind with follow and the answers will become available to you.
Carmen, very well said 🙂
MCP I am an alcoholic but i have not been active in my addiction for 11 yrs. I got sober on my own as much as people tried to help.. they werent helping by trying to control and fix me. They were making me worse. The more they tried to force me to stop the more i drank. If you are expecting an ultimatum to work… its most likely not. In my own experience of being given ultimatums it just made me drink more. I stopped when i was ready. Its important that the family members realize that they can be just as sick as the alcoholic… codependency.. id suggest you read up on it. Expectations are premeditated resentments. You can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink.
My situation of living with alcoholic is a little different that what I have been reading. She is what they call a functioning alcoholic as she has a good job and very much in the lives of our children and not abusive. As I would arrive home in the afternoon from work she would be 3 sheets to the wind. After many years, of conversations with her our children and I had an Intervention of sorts. Not wanting to be that person who screwed up her kids she has finally decided to seek help and has started attending AA meetings. My whole comment to her for years has been lets catch this before you hit the bottom. I believe she is finding now from the meetings that she is not alone and most the people she is meeting have hit the bottom. And she is scared to death. That being said I’m finding she is being consumed and feeling really bad that she has let this happened. I ‘m afraid this will lead into a state of depression. She is not talking to me and is being very distant.I’m trying to give here space but I’m afraid and don’t know what to do.
I’ve got a humerous little story to tell: Long ago, I unknowingly assigned myself to the Co-Dependent role in my relationships. I am glad to be Co-dependent, rather than Addicted! I think the Addict has a longer, harder road than I do…On the other hand, Co-dependents and Addicts have many things in common. We both feel the need to try and control relationships and situations in our lives, because at some point our lives were/felt out of control. I do have a small addiction to biting my fingernails, but in the last few years I had a cascade of life events which triggered my own form of Co-Dependent insanity: I became suspicious of everyone and everything, especially the computer, where people contact each other from far ends of the world. My job requires hours of computer work every day. Over time, I was so fearful that I took control over the thing I could control, my pc. In the last several years, I’ve managed to trash two or three of them to the point where they’re non-repairable! It took so many Anti-Virus programs, hundreds of scans and lots of $$$ for me to finally realized what I’d inadvertently done to myself! I think it’s kind of hilarious, that I decimated multiple electronic devices in the name of paranoia! Hope I’ve completed my learning curve…LOL
Amazing posts – thank you so much, everyone, for sharing. I, too have lived with someone who hid his drinking problem for quite a while and then drank when he was awake. Trying to make him eat and live a normal life was exhausting! I am a neat freak, he had stuff all over the place and rarely got around to clearing up the papers or books! I was a slave it seemed!
His extended family rarely saw him, but he called them constantly. I never got it – he thought they were perfect people and I, who took care of everything, didn’t have common sense, etc.!
There is a time to break free. Millions of people are on this wonderful earth and I will no longer be with one who makes me miserable!
Wishing everyone peace and happiness.
Rah Rah to Carmen and C…I really liked what you had to say. At this point, I’m craving this information that I previously didn’t know I was missing. I’ve spent way too much time trying unsuccessfully to support and cater to an Addicted person!
Dear Carmen,
BRAVO!! Do not let the hero in your soul perish….
Spring will break soon here in the Midwest. A time for renewal. Take care everyone. Always Denise
Hi JR,
I understand this is a huge thing to process, and it must be very scary for you. She might need her privacy, but it is alright to show your concern to her. In any relationship changes can be very difficult on both parties, try to create a forum for an open dialogue, let her feel it is safe that she can say anything, you could open with, “i am worried about all this silence, remember you can talk to me about anything”, she may not say anything, so try again once in a while. Also remember old habits are very difficult to change, people who stop drinking all of a sudden have time to fill with something to do. So filling all that empty time can seem like a huge space to fill, try asking her if she would like to go for a walk, or go to a movie. Again she might not go for it right away, but keep the offer open by asking her a couple of times a week. Reward and celebrate the sobriety by acknowledging landmark achievements, so she can see that the family forgives her and are happy to have the real her there. It isn’t easy, but try to make these times positive times, like you would for a vulnerable person after a surgery or something. Some people also have trouble being social without alcohol, another thing they need time to learn. You sound very patient, be happy, it is a great first step, your wife is learning a lot right now and re-prioritizing her mind, something like pregnancy does. While the mind adjusts simple mental tasks seem to draw a blank. It may even be a good sign, she doesn’t sound like she is replacing the alcohol with something else, which could be a sign she is really making a change. My heart goes out to you, best wishes
Hi MCP,
This is a different Paula, there are 2 of us. You sound like you are ready to go. There is no shame in leaving, you have your own life to consider and your wife isn’t concerned with your comfort. It just happens that way, suddenly you hit a wall and you can’t do it anymore. An alcoholic is on their own journey, and they take prisoners,(anyone who will cave to their manipulations) for many, there isn’t anything anyone can do to help change the path their loved ones are on. You need to take care of yourself and get yourself to a safe place, and start your own healing. And don’t fight but don’t accept it when she is abusive to you. Just leave tell her you won’t talk to her in the state she is in period. She needs to understand your boundaries. “I do not and will not accept(the things you can’t tolerate)”
Address it when she is sober and very calmly explain…”The next time this happens I am leaving”, and then when it happens you need to leave. You don’t deserve being treated that way, you teach people how to treat you by what you will and will not accept, and by the way you are with others. So teach away, don’t accept anything less than what you deserve. Respect.
No one knows what her journey will need to be before she accepts that she needs help. For some it’s a seemingly small thing that is their rock bottom, for others they have to lose everything to reach rock bottom. You can’t be expected to be there throughout it, in fact it happens often that we think we are helping, but we are prolonging the inevitable. You may find yourself in a better position to be supportive to her if not living with her. It could be easier to not fold to manipulation and better stand your ground. This is very difficult and many people reading your story feel for you and know all too well what you are facing. Power to you, good luck.
Abusiveness means a divorce, no questions asked. There are no grounds anywhere to justify abuse. Some will say the bible does not allow that. The bible allows two people can divorce if one is a non-believer and anyone who abuses can no way say they are a believer.
Stop trying to justify immoral behavior.
I am not going to learn to cope, I want my wife to have the tools to stop. If she will not, I will not be married to her. Simple.
This is about saving her life. It has nothing to do with me or my sanity.
Dear Colleen,
On October 22, 1994 I vowed to love you in sickness and in health and for better or worse. Today we are in the worst shape of our marriage and it is because you are sick. I am here today, with a professional and the three most important people in your life because I intend to fulfill my vows. You don’t see it right now, but I am giving you the biggest gift a man can give a woman; a long and healthy life.
I don’t know when you crossed the line from being a drinker to being an alcoholic, but I assure you that you are an alcoholic. Alcohol has stolen my beautiful wife from me and replaced her with a mean and nasty slobbering drunk that I despise with every fiber of my being. You are not aware of what drunkenness has stolen from us. Our social life has declined to virtually zero. Do you remember our dinner with my father and Candy at Lockhouse Six? You probably don’t remember because you got drunk before we had appetizers; I was so embarrassed. Do you remember getting drunk and falling all over strangers at the B’s party? I do, you humiliated me in front of my friends. Do you remember punching me in the face after you got hammered at P’s? Probably not. I could go on and on with incidents like these. The result is that I am afraid to take you anywhere with other people because you turn those moments into drinking contests and I am always the looser, escorting my drunken wife home.
Alcohol has stolen you from me as my best friend. I am very apprehensive when I come home from work for fear that the drunk will be there and not my wife. On those nights, I do my best to ignore you, but you make it very difficult. You know I am agitated, yet you sit and stare at me with that empty drunken glare trying to invoke a reaction from me. In the past you have gotten that reaction from me in the form of me “manhandling” you. I decided a long time ago that I would not allow your drunkenness to make me a bad person. Now I just completely ignore you the best that I can, in utter despair and utterly alone.
Our sex life is virtually non-existent because of alcohol. You only seem interested in me when you are drunk. On those rare occasions that you do what to get frisky without the booze, I simply cannot because you smell of liquor all the time. Alcohol has robbed you of your beauty and you don’t see it. Do you remember our nights when we went to the Outer Banks? You got hammered in our room every night and then couldn’t figure out why we didn’t make love. I was so miserable during those nights.
Alcohol has made you a habitual liar. I have heard you fall at night; I even come down to check to see that you are ok, but you don’t remember. When I ask about the bruises you say you did it at work. I have come down in the night to find your bed soaked in urine and urine all over the downstairs. Even though you know it is you, you blame it on the dog. You lie to me about the money you spend on alcohol and then you hide the alcohol in the house. I am not stupid, I know you are drinking. Your lies have made me question your sister Debbie, as you always blame her for bringing the vodka to our house. Your lies have made me dislike our nephew Michael for years because you blamed him for drinking my $200 bottle of rare scotch; I know now that it was you.
For years I have coped with all these things, however today is not for me, it is for you. Through some recent discussions with your sisters I have found where you are hiding the booze. Unlike I had done in the past, I did not take it, I just watched to see how much you were using. I was stunned to find that you were drinking ½ of a 1.75 liter bottle of vodka every day. The Tuesday evening that I told you I went back to the office to help Tony change a tire, I lied to you about that. When I arrived home and checked your stash I realized that you were drunk again and that the amount that you were drinking was putting your life in danger. I did go to the office, but it was to call Greenbriar Treatment Center for help. I knew that evening that I could not help you without the help of others. Greenbriar directed me to June I who is here with us today. I also contacted your twin Maureen and your oldest sister Debra to help me help you. I called your best friend Tiffany as she cherishes her friendship with you. We are all here for you today.
Colleen, I know you are scared and you should be. The rate you are drinking is going to kill you. It is not a matter of if, it is a matter of when. Think about your brother Dickie, He died at an early age, primarily because he destroyed his life and body with alcohol. Think about your father. At 91 years old do you want to be the next child he puts into a grave? What would your mother think? You have told me of dreams you have had about her where you feel she is trying to tell you something. She is telling you to get help and get off the booze.
This is what is coming:
Found dead today – Colleen… age 50. Mrs P was found dead in her bedroom by her husband Michael. She died in the night of alcohol poisoning. She is survived by loving husband Michael, her loyal dog and companion Chopper, her father Walter, sisters Debra and Maureen, brother Joeseph, nephews Michael, Hayden, Nathan, Dominick, Logan, Damien, Talon, Kye, Reese and Anthony. Nieces Bria, Diana, Alyisa and Zoe. In-laws Nicholas, Candy and Marie. Brother In –laws, Nicholas, Peter, Paul, Anthony and Scott. Sister in laws Amy, Angela, Anjali and Jan. Her best friend Tiffany. She was a shining star in all of our lives, she will be sorely missed.
Found dead the next day – Michael… age 48. Mr. P was found dead in his home. Mr. P died of a broken heart because he could not save his beloved Colleen.
Colleen I know you are confused, scared, hurt and angry. I am here for you, as is everybody in this room. So is every other person in your life who is not here today. We will be with you every step of the way. I need you to come with me now to the Rehabilitation Center. I need you to complete the program. I need you to stay sober 1 day at a time. I will love and support you through your treatment, recovery and sobriety.
If you chose not to come with me now, I am going to go upstairs and pack my bags and move out. Once I do that, I will turn my back on you forever, we will get divorced and you will be alone.
I love you with all of my heart,
I have been drinking for 25 years, I know I drink a lot but if that is what I choose to do than so be it. I can be abusive toward my wife and kids verbally and emotionally when I feel trapped but, she blocks me in the drive way and sometimes hide my keys. she tracks my every move, she follows me I cant go anywhere in fear she will turn up and try to stop me from having a good time ,last year I found a tracking device on my car , how can I get my wife to understand that she cant control my life. I told her to get a life and stop living mine, does anyone have any suggestions.
Mike, WOW! When I read that, it was so POWERFUL! I think you expressed yourself and the situation so well! If she doesn’t get how much you love her, it will only be because the Booze disease has her tightly in it’s grip, and she’s not ready to let it go. I’ve heard that they may choose to love the Alcohol more than us real people that love them! I’m praying that your wife will see your love for her, through her foggy mind, and that she’ll realize that with the love of husband, family and friends, she can climb out of the cesspool she is drowning herself in. I pray that she will choose life and love over addiction and depression & death. I pray her frontal lobe has not been compromised to the point where she’s lost empathy for those who love her and have her best interest at heart. I’ll pray for you two and your situation, and ask God to rebuke and remove the evil spirits from your wife and marriage! I don’t even know you, but I feel proud of you, taking this, the hardest step, as it will become clear if your wife prefers her family or her bottle! Seeing you take this step is very affirming to me, and I plan to take this same step, once I know I’m ready to follow through completely! My thoughts and prayers to you and your wife and family. May God send his angels to intervene on your behalf, on your wife’s behalf!
Edward, I appreciate your honesty. I think your addicted self attracted and married a similiar soul. She sounds very Co-Dependent and controlling. As she saw/felt your drinking and negative behaviors increase, she may have felt a subconcious need to try to control you and your behaviors. She doesn’t realize that not only do her controlling behaviors not change your behaviors, but in fact, her controlling behaviors subconciously (& conciously?) push you in the other direction, towards more booze. (I know, cos I’ve been in her shoes.) It’s a sick dance, and everyone in it is getting hurt and affected by it. Please tell her to go to some Alanon meetings where they will teach her not to control you, but to work on herself instead. My #1 CONCERN is for your kids. You and your wife need to keep your conflict and anger towards each other away from your children. I REPEAT: Exclude your children from your marital dramas, completely! They have the right to be Kids, and neither of you have the right to take that from them. Please get them out of your drama, take them to friends or family, church or alateen, anywhere they won’t have to endure the nastiness between their parents being spewed onto them. My addicted/dysfunctional parents would be sadly shocked to learn how their behaviors as I grew up, and my attempts to deal with them have turned my life into a struggle for happiness. There is a scared little girl inside of me still and I’ve spent my whole life trying to figure out how to remove her fear and restore her purity of Spirit and Joy. I hope your wife will go to Alanon and realize she must let you make your own choices, and she should make her own choices. Live and Let Live, YES!
JR,
Hang in there! It is wonderful news that your lady has decided to get clean & sober! I’m so happy for the both of you. Give her some time to process her own road to recovery. It will be uniquely her own, and it will take some time. She’s got a lot on her plate with this. The Road to recovery from addiction is not a quick fix, but a process, as unique as the person taking it. She could even go back and forth a few times. As others say, be as patient and supportive as you can be. Show her you love her and are behind her, holding her back. Like you would be if she was taking treatment for Cancer. IMHO, Addiction is every bit as deadly and insidious as Cancer. I’m keeping you both in my prayers.
Edward – Go get help and stop drinking. You have the problem, not her. And your problem isn’t your fault, you have a disease. Or don’t and die.
MCP,
That letter is so honest and so beautiful. I pray for you that your plan works. Your wife has been very lucky to have a husband who loves her so much, and I hope she sees it in this letter and I pray that she can hold up her end of this love. Good luck and God Bless.
Edward,
That has to be one of the most amazing things I have ever heard. Your wife needs to be on this site getting counseling to get up the strength to report you and leave you. She is obviously mistaken about you and thinks you deserve to be worried about, when in fact the world around you needs to be worried about their children. How fast do you think your fun will end when you slam into someone on the sidewalk? How fast will it end if God Forbid you back up over one of your own children?
Edward, I think you staggered into the wrong site. Your frontal lobe saw a neon sign that said Alcoholics Friend but it’s not what you think it is.
If you like being drunk and angry just leave your wife and go do what your gonna do.
Hi MCP,
I didn’t read all the advice headed your direction. I’ve been in your shoes. I wanted to get him help. No can do these days. I met with closed minds (his family) and privacy laws (doctors). All you can do if you want to make an impact and a huge difference is start working on yourself. Al-Anon is perfect (at least the group I’m in is) for this. There is literally nothing you can do to change another person. Once I started Al-Anon my life started to slip back into place as my life and not a giant chaotic misunderstanding. I know guys find it hard to be in large groups of women which is why only the brave ones venture in but believe me there are men in Al-Anon. The important thing is that almost all who go to Al-Anon have been in your shoes. I learned that something was making me feel better before I could name it. I continue to go to get the feeling of support that I need. They don’t tell you what to do. They listen. You can do meetings on-line if you need to but after the meeting is over is when you get to connect with the people and can speak out a little more. You deserve validation, love, and acceptance. You can’t make people give it to you. You must go to where the people simply give it as a matter of course. I wish you a warm and joyous journey amidst the chaos. You can order Al-Anon literature too. I listened to it 24/7 because I downloaded it to my iPod and even went to sleep at night with head phones listening. I learned to detach and not lash out, or expect the other person to do anything. I hope you find that place inside you where you may nurture your own growth and hopes and life…
There are 6 billion plus people on this planet to choose from other than the current addict in ones life, solution MOVE ON. My Ex partner has been drinking continously during the 4 years of our relationship. Now the man I loved is only in love with a needle and his current drug of choice through his veins. Without my past support he would have been homeless countless times over. What thanks do I get??!! Zero. I just get accused of being mentally ill and controlling all because I want him to stop killing himself with Alcohol and drugs. I have decided to move on and become invisible as I know longer except being treated like his slave to fix all his fu$# ups. Do not think you will make any difference to an Addict just by remaining in their life as you can’t. The choice is only theirs to make, live or die.
Hello, Everyone,
Thank you for being brave enough to share the very intimate details of your personal stories. It makes me feel less alone. I am very thankful I found this site because I am at the point where I need to talk it out or at least write it down. I am not a stranger to alcohol addiction, as my Father was a closet, highly functioning addict for years before he found sobriety and my ex-husband (whom I married in my mid-20’s was a mentally and emotionally abusive alcoholic). I exited that relationship shortly after the marriage. The first husband showed very little signs of alcoholic behavior (we dated 5 years before marrying). It was a year into our marriage where the bottom fell out and he became a very heavy drinker. He entered rehab, I supported him through inpatient rehab, 1 year of court mandared counseling and AA, only to have him tell me at the end that he wanted a divorce (I might mention I am a non-drinker and always have been). In hindsight, the divorce was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Ok. So here’s the rest of my story.
I remarried and my husband and I have been relatively happy over the last 10 years. My husband (you guessed it) is an alcoholic. He is a highly functioning alcoholic, most always able to meet his personal commitments. We do not have children. I absolutely love him dearly, but over the last year I have been questioning my long term ability to continue with the marriage. He continues (as most alcoholics do) into the vortex of addiction. He drinks more and more and has developed a pattern of daily drinking at the local corner bar (we are relatively young and both retired, and are financially secure). Because he no longer works he has a lot of time on his hands to indulge in his favorite past time. He drinks alone when at home. My issue lies in the fact that he is becoming more and more hostile through the years. He used to be more relaxed as he drank, but has reached a point where he is angry, sharp, demeaning, self-rightous, arrogant, and many other things that all of you have mentioned in your posts. He is the first person to admit he is an alcoholic and has no intention of quitting. He inherited this behavior (I’m assuming from an extremely successful, highly functioning alcoholic father and a mother who never missed an opportunity to indulge in the noontime or 5:00 cocktail hour). He grew up with it and thinks it a way of life.
My concern is that I’m finding it so difficult to deal with his angry, almost hateful alcoholic personality. He has never physically abused me; the abuse is mental. When he drinks I can do nothing right, I am not worthy of him (he grew up extremely wealthy. I grew up in a middle class family) and he is convinced he is the absolute center of the universe and all attention should be on him. He can be extremely child-like. Most times I find myself just walking away from the “non-existent issue” arguments that he is trying to conjure up quite simply because I am exhausted.
His behavior continues to grow worse as his alcohol consumtion has increased significantly over the last few years (particularly after losing his father to heart failure and mother to cancer–within 2 years of each other). I’m frustrated. I’ve suggested counseling, but he knows this is a focus on what he refers to as his “bad behavior” and he doesn’t want someone else delving into what he knows and fully admits are his own personal issues. I’m not sure what to do here. I love this man. When he is sober (which is about 50% of the time) he is an extraordinarily lovely man and a very loving husband who meets all my needs–when sober). We are great as a couple when he’s sober. When he’s not, I’ve never been more miserable. I’d hate to lose him, as I unconditionally love him. But I love and respect myself, too. I’m really torn.
Hi Sarah J,
I understand that he is an admitted alcoholic, and he has no intention of quitting, well, don’t you take that as a direct insult to you, that he has no intention of trying to accommodate your needs? He thinks he is better than you, well how does loving a man like that work? Is the love all one sided? Do you know that there are really great men out there who love women and would love to take care of you? Do you know that you are worthy of that kind of love? You need to decide what you would do for you. How much do you love you? Maybe it is possible that he believes so strongly that you would never leave him, that he feels he can treat you any way he wants and it doesn’t matter. If I were faced with that scenario, I would leave. Sometimes the balance in a relationship needs to change to really see if two people want to be together. A person who doesn’t want to change, and doesn’t want a counselor to delve into their faults, is quite happy controlling the people around him.
I was in a relationship where my man isolated me from all my friends and family, for that exact reason, to have free rein over owning me. Check and then double check if that might be your situation, and then see how you feel about it then. Good luck Sister
MCP,
Oops, I wrote to you yesterday, but mistakenly “addressed” it to Mike.
Please accept my apology, and still praying and rooting for you and your wife!
Hello Sarah – I saw something today that I thought was appropriate to send on…. “You’ll never really see how toxic someone is until you breathe fresher air”… I posted earlier about moving out and away from the alcoholic for two weeks for a break. If you read the posts above, my post is up there. For two weeks, I could breathe “fresher air”. It was a deciding factor for me…
Good luck to you – and keep reading. I’ve been away from the alcoholic for almost five years – and I still benefit from reading others stories and advice.
Sandy
I have been hopeful for over 8 years for things to change. i am out of hope and tears. He doesn’t understand how terrible it is to live with someone who could go off on you at any moment screaming in my face and insulting. i could only take so much before i was drug down to the level of doing the same. He is now very sad and wollowing in self pitty because i’ve left for good. although i don’t think he really believes it. now he’s going to AA and gettting counseling for his anger..taking care of his health. too little too late as far as i’m concered. i HOPE he really does all this for his own quality of life and because he really is a wonderful person. i hope someone gets to benefit from his growth and he can have a healthy relationship one day. now as for me? i’m not going to do relationships until I’ve done some healing and get counseling as to why i allowed this in my life in the first place, how i didn’t speak up and say what i really felt and why i can’t set boundaries…well actually i know the answer to the last one…FEAR of losing my one true forever love. i love him in my bones but i’m not going to be his wife anymore.. i have been fighting a little guilt and sadness thinking oh he’s all alone and sad. but i have to shake my head at myself and say “remember why you are here in the first place” i am not saying leave i’m just sharing my experience..i understand about the fresh air. Even though i’ve had one foot in the door and one foot out the door for several years. this is the first time i’ve put both feet out and took a breath of fresh air (as someone else stated) and really am seeing the beauty in my life. Many blessings and wishing you both success.
Hi Sarah J.
I was in your shoes too. My story is long but the part that concerns this topic is my last husband. I knew he drank when I married him. I felt that had I known what it could be like I wouldn’t have married him but you point out that you had been married to an alcoholic before. My quest started with me blaming myself for what I had gotten into. I want to thank you for sharing because I felt instantly freed from that particular stream of self blame.
My husband became progressively more abusive. As you say, verbally abusive. I had a small widow’s pension but it was not enough to keep me afloat when he stopped helping to pay bills. He totally withdrew financial support except that he bought most of the groceries. But that was because he needed to control the food. His controlling behavior was illogical to me and I found myself overlooking things that should not be overlooked. But I knew he could not communicate reasonable in a discussion and didn’t see another choice. One day, I decided to call a therapist. I figured I needed some help for my self esteem so that I might stand up and properly support myself financially. She said, “Go to Al-Anon.”
I went to Al-Anon. I looked it up on-line and found an open meeting with a time frame that I knew I could maintain. I bought the book How Al-Anon works for families and friends of alcoholics for $6 at the first meeting. I then bought it on Audible.com and downloaded to my iPod. I listened to it 24/7, day after day. I kept coming back to the meetings and I found my serenity and found ways to get back there when I lost it. I started being gentler and kinder with myself and addressing self care with a different attitude. My alcoholic quit approaching me with ridiculous comments and verbal abuse. He shifted into another space completely. He could not join us (me and grandson) at dinner. He doubled his alcohol intake. He acted sneaky for no apparent reason. He used body language, sneering, eye rolling, and snorts instead of talking. In general he became pretty creepy acting. I maintained my serenity and enjoyed reading and learning the slogans. One day he told me he was moving out. (This is my home.) Frankly I was relieved. He moved out slowly and illogically. He never knocked, just walked in, wouldn’t tell my dog who he was…and that sort of thing. He brought family members to help him move and kept up a loud and joyful banter with them. Very strange.
I had watched his health rapidly decline over a period of about 18 months. His attitude at work put him on administrative leave for over one year. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. There is no happy ending. You can’t change him. You didn’t cause this and you can’t cure it. My alcoholic committed suicide two months after he left here. I didn’t cause that either. He’s left me with a silly power struggle with his family but I have found enough strength to stand up and assert myself as his wife. It isn’t easy because I was crushed. With help from friends I picked my grieving self up and went to a lawyer. With advice, I continue to put one foot in front of the other. In Al-Anon I can smile again. I can understand that this is just another part of life and I will get through it.
Al-Anon has helped me to understand that I could do nothing to make him better, control him, or in any way change him. There is no amount of self sacrifice that will make it better.
In therapy I learned that I am a very nice person who looks for the best in others. I am used to overlooking my needs and I am used to taking care of others. I can choose to kick myself for my weaknesses or I can reach out and learn to build strengths and attract kinder loving friends into my life.
My personal spiritual practices are teaching me that the way I was taught to subjugate myself because I was born a woman, is one of the things that attracts alcoholics and controlling people to me. I can choose my attitude.
You are worthy of a good program like Al-Anon. If you get into a group you don’t like, find another one. I was blessed to join the perfect group for me. One of my favorite members introduces herself by her first name only and then goes on to say, “…and this is my first meeting today.” We aren’t bashing others.
I encourage to join Al-Anon. Keep your chin up.
Sincerely, Carmen
hi Paula,
Great story! Power to you sister. We are both Paula and we actually have had similar situations. I guess while on this string of posts I will refer to myself as Paula g.
To everyone that is trapped in my situation; I want you to know that there is hope. Yesterday me and my team confronted my wife about her problem. She agreed to go to rehab without a fight or argument. It is a long story as to what transpired over the weekend, but when we walked through the door she knew exactly why we were there. She listened to the intervention specialist and listened to all of our letters. She actually thanked me for doing this.
I know we have a long way to go, but getting her to admit to needing help was the first and probably the biggest step. I will keep you posted.
P.S. Patti I knew your comment was to me… my first name is Mike.
JR – I was a little consumed with my own situation and didn’t really read your post. You are out in front of me with your wife, however, you need to remind her that she has a disease. She didn’t choose this, it chose her and then consumed her. It is not her fault just as it is not your fault. Whatever she has done to you in the past, if you haven’t already done so, you need to forgive her for it. It wasn’t her, it was the disease. Write her a letter that she can keep and hold onto. Tell her in the letter that you forgive her. Have your children do the same. When she is down she can reread the letters. She is scared and should be and so should you. When she is scared you need to be there for her and constantly remind her that the two of you are in this together.
I don’t know what the future has in store for me and my wife. But I know what I have in store for my wife and our future… I will fight for her sobriety for the rest of my life and I will win. Alcoholism simply will not beat me!
MCP: That is the AWESOMEST news!!!!! It may be a long road to travel, but it’s best taken one day at a time. You’re all worth it and I believe True Love can conquer all! Still including your family in my prayers.
I think the MCP guy is a real glutton for punishment. If your wife has chosen to drink instead of getting herself to AA meetings then there is nothing more you can do. It looks like you are enableling her to continue in her addiction. Try letting go and move out. That way she will be forced to deal with her boozy ways.
I disagree. Alcoholism is a choice however much the person is entrapped. Every drinker I have met is always weighed down with a very troubled and traumatic past. The drinking is their way to cope and help the body turn off the trauma. I drank more than my wife, yet I topped cold, because I made the choice. Simple as that. Drink or lose my job. Family didn’t come first nor did my health. It was fear of losing my career. It took that to make me stop. It’s been 18 years. I didn’t go to any hep group or treatment by any doctor. I just said enough. I have a very different way of seeing this whole issue and I upset so many with the freakiness of it. To this I say, “too bad.” Until you are that far fed up, the circle will continue. As far as moving out, that is a practice divorce. Moving out and not getting a divorce is another bluff by the non-drinker. The drinker knows the whole game already. It is so true, they must want to stop. No intervention in the world will help if they keep choosing to drink. I dropped doing the AA and Al Anon. They started to hate me whenI called them on their self-pity and their fear to confront the drinker with promises and not threats. It is hard,and we all have a different story, but keep fighting everybody.