Comments on: Detaching From An Alcoholic

By: Jule

Jule — Fri, 18 May 2012 20:50:03 +0000

Great post — thanks, this is the right advice.

By: Sally

Sally — Fri, 18 May 2012 16:27:32 +0000

Karen, so glad you’re stronger and back home! Sorry, I had to laugh at the “not going to forget” bit. I’m certain that there is much you’ll never forget, either, that he’ll never remember! Just keep in mind that we can love many people and things that are not good for us and actually do us harm. I hope you had a grand time with your family. He has almost 2 months to work out a plan for himself. You can help by making suggestions, but don’t take action for him. Let him do it for himself. Too many of the drunks (okay, all of them that I’ve ever known) are quite content to let other people (us) do the work and make the effort to get things done. If having a place to live is important to your ABF, it’s got to be up to him to get it done. As they say, he needs some skin in the game or he won’t make any effort to keep what he gets, if he gets it. I’m pulling for you and praying that you stay strong, stay gone and are happy.

By: karen

karen — Fri, 18 May 2012 15:20:25 +0000

Hi all, its been a long time since writing. well i am back down south with my so, i know, helping/enabling again. this i am working on. he got evicted from his flat, this being the reason i came down, stayed in a b and b just for one night, his place was uninhabitable, this is a first for me, so am getting stronger my so was not amused. anyway next morning went housing with him and they thankfully put him in a emergency accommodation awaiting an assessment, otherwise i would have been in a very dangerous situation. he could/would not believe i would not take him back to london and says he will not forget that i would have left him on the street. (he would have put himself there). anyway the housing have assessed my so and say he has made himself intentionally homeless. now have appealed for a review and yet again, thankfully, they have given an extension of 56 days whilst review is taking place. he has remained sober since i arrived, which is good, would not have stayed if he drank, he knows this now. i am returning back home over the next few days, and i pray that all will be well for me and of course for my so. i do want to return home, i miss home. God bless

By: Barb

Barb — Fri, 18 May 2012 09:24:20 +0000

Glad to have found this site. Cannot help but notice how many times “go to another room” is advised. I’ve been “dealing” with my alcoholic significant other for 3 years now, and on weekends I stay in “another room”. Since he controls all the money, it’s not like getting out of the house is an option (but wouldn’t that amount to going to “another room” anyway?). When he comes home from work – after several hours at the bar first of course! – I go to “another room” or I’m already there by the time he stumbles from the car to the door. Basically, I live in “another room”. What now?

By: Sally

Sally — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 16:38:26 +0000

@Karen – when you get back from visiting with your mum, please let us know how you’re doing. I pray for you and hope that you’re seeing how lovely life is without an alcoholic continually creating havoc. Safe travels!

By: Teresa

Teresa — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 16:38:21 +0000

Married or not I don’t believe God wants me or my children to have the lifestyle of living with an alcoholic. It’s very damaging for, not just myself but my kids as well. My 15 yo daughter is having issues with alcohol. My husband obviously gave her the impression that drinking is Ok for her. Well it’s NOT!!! Sure, lots teenagers get rebellious around this age and do things that their parents don’t want them to do. But to tell your daughter and purchase alcohol for her? No way!!! Thankfully my 17 yo son has stayed clear of alcohol & drugs.

As a reminder, we all here may be at different levels of healing & grieving in our life. I’m a bit of a quiet one around here but I do read all your posts. Most have given me more strenght to follow God and realize that it’s my job as a responsable parent to protect my kids. Not just from physical abuse either. It’s my job to teach & show my kids what IS right and what IS not right in life.

God bless each and everyone of us on our journey through life. <3

By: Sally

Sally — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 16:12:33 +0000

James, you have my heartfelt sympathy. Your pain is obvious and raw. You do need separation from your wife, and you need help from Al Anon as well, perhaps, as from a therapist to help you deal with your wife’s betrayal. The one thing you have to be honest with yourself about is why you ignored the warning signs about your wife before you married her. We all ignored and denied the bad things we saw or felt about our partners while we were becoming involved with them. Their behaviors weren’t hidden – we just ignored them because we wanted what we wanted. You will find some peace if you come to accept that you cannot and will never be able to change your wife in any way. Like many of us, you simply made a very bad choice. One thing you cannot get away with doing, though, is playing the martyr. Crawl down off the cross. You won’t earn any stars in your heavenly crown by sacrificing yourself for your wife’s sake. The last 3 sentences of your post say it all. Self-pity won’t help you and very few people will pat you on the back to say what a great guy you are to stick with such a poor excuse for a wife. She’s a wife in name only, as her actions have demonstrated to you time and time again. Yes, we all have problems, and they were or are all of our own choosing. I did 5 years in a self-made hell with a drunk, ignoring and pretending away his horrible, hateful, hurtful behavior toward me, and I finally found my backbone again and left him 6 weeks ago. Your wife and my ex- will quit drinking the day they die, and not a minute before, unless they have a major event happen, and even then they’ll go right back to drink as soon as they possibly can. That’s the nature of the addiction. You didn’t cause your wife’s any more than I caused my ex-’s, and neither of us has the power to do anything for them except pray. I feel for you, I sincerely do, but I also know you are the only one who has the power to make your life better. It’s a choice you must make, as we all do here on this site. Just as the drunks in our lives make their CHOICE to drink. I’m also a Christian, but I’m not a saint or a martyr and I can only endure so much before self-preservation takes over. Blessedly, I wasn’t married to the recent drunk in my life, but I was married to one years ago. Something in us is broken, because we choose to allow these people into our lives. We also have the power to choose a different life. The issue is having the strength and courage to do so. My prayers are with you as you work through your problems. God bless.

By: Karens

Karens — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 15:30:23 +0000

James, My heart aches for you. I recognize the similar
details of your relationship being somewhat as mine. When
we learn that our relationship is being destroyed by
alcoholism we seem to never recognize how sick their alcohol has made us. It is a disease that sickens all of the caring people around the alcoholic. That the alcohol
is destroying every one because they become the focus of our lives. Having to admit that our marriage is a sham,
living a double life of dealing with the alcohol and telling the more distant friends every thing is wonderful
when the truth is your marriage is in the toilet.

You must find a way to go on with your life. Your hobbies your interests. Your work. What ever you can do to keep
you emotionally in good health.

You do not have to decide today that you are leaving her.
Although reading between the lines I hear you are about to leave for your own mental health. Being Christian myself
I am not sure I am doing the right thing for either of us
by staying. Our 25 years together have had many ups and downs and only getting worse as we get older. I am developing a Christian life outside of marriage but I know
I cannot go on with him the center of everything. The drama is more than I can bear. Things are better for me now that God is the focus.

Good luck James, you will always have the support of this web sight to help you on your journey. We end up with this
experience to let us grow. We learn a lot and our lives
go on.

By: Laura

Laura — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 13:26:42 +0000

Hi James, … agree with “admin” and want to add that in Al-Anon we learn that no situation is hopeless … encourage you to check out a few meetings, thanks for sharing, and all the best ….

By: admin

admin — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 11:18:58 +0000

James, thanks for sharing. I have always lived by my "morals" no matter what the other person has done. I spent plenty of time counseling with wise Christian "MEN" about the difficulties I was experiencing in my relationship with an alcoholic wife. I kept relationships with women on the lite side out of respect for my wife. I think it is vitally important to seek God first in all that we do, especially in marriages. Al-anon will teach you how to detach from the alcoholic and how to love her without conditions. In the end all of the decisions are up to you. The things I had to face in my past relationship with an alcoholic were similar to yours. Here are a few words of wisdom: 1) God did not want me to be a doormat 2) Unacceptable behavior is not acceptable 3) Alcoholics are being unfaithful in that they are one with the booze rather than one with their spouses 4) I surrounded myself with STRONG Christian men to help ensure that I would remain accountable for my decisions and actions. Infidelity By An Alcoholic Insanity Associated With Alcoholism The Coping With Alcoholics Lessons are well worth the investment. You will begin to build a solid foundation quickly.