Comments on: Detaching From An Alcoholic

By: Sally

Sally — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 04:26:08 +0000

Friends, it’s been 2 weeks since I left my alcoholic, and every day gets better and life is sweeter. The peace is almost overwhelming at times. I think feeling the tension one feels when living with an alcoholic becomes habit. Blessedly, that’s beginning to fade. Life is starting to take on its own routine, and it’s good. I’ve had texts from him, but I don’t rush to reply, if I do at all. Little things like eating what I want for supper, or watching what I want on tv are such delights. All the nightmare of dealing with packing and moving, the incredible tension waiting for moving day, the awful second-guessing my decision, feeling guilty for leaving and the endless list of details to be handled were all worth it. Stay strong and do what’s best for you. You’re all stronger than you think you are. God bless.

By: julie

julie — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 10:42:10 +0000

thank you julie for your suggestion of the book. i am getting more concerned for the safety of my daughter. she is now 21, the alcoholic says he is going to find her and that he knows where she is. he says demeaning sexual things about her, i am scared that he will act upon this. he is obsessed with her and says i will be dead and he will get her then and do all sorts of sexual acts on her. my daughter hates his guts and has not seen him since she was 15. he even said he went down my laundry basket and got out her knickers, she was then only 14. OMG

By: Karen

Karen — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 02:11:24 +0000

Boy, believe in the power oF prayer. I have often times
complained about my husband on this web sight. His daughter recently moved in and is taking a 21 day live
in,rehab for drugs. Things are coming to a big blast of
truth and honesty. It is forcing my husband to take a look
at his alcoholism. There is a huge argument between the
x-wife, her live in, my husband, sisters and everyone
thinks they are right. Maybe through this and the family
required attendance at a couple of classes for re-hab.
I don’t know where all this is going and seems totally
unmanageable, so I am trying to stay out of the way.
Maybe the night she slept in her car in the snow pushed
her to finally seek help. Thanks to all for all of the
prayers extended to my situation. Hopefully this mixed
family can get back on track.

By: Caitlyn

Caitlyn — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 00:57:07 +0000

Oh and one other thing, when you feel like you “can’t take anymore” [your words] you walk away. Come back when you feel strong again. Don’t let him break you down to that point. As soon as you recognise that point is coming up. Tell him “end of discussion”. Then turn and walk away, to another room, to another house [a friend's, neighbours whatever]. Go for a walk in the park or drive in the car with your wife. You return to face your son when you are ready. Take control of your emotions and yourself and your behaviour and only good can come out of it for you. Other family members can use the same tactic. Detach from your abusive son, walk away. Forgive him for his misbehaviour in your mind. He is unwell with the disease of addiction. Also he doesn’t need to know you are forgiving him. You don’t need to tell him he is forgiven for his non stop verbal attacks that break you down. Walk away and face him when you feel cool, calm, collected and able. Don’t allow yourself to get to the point of feeling broken down by him. Calmly walk away and return when you feel strong and recovered. Don’t stand there and give him the attention to fuel his abuse. You or anyone.

Hope this helps. Think it all through.

By: Caitlyn

Caitlyn — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 00:46:35 +0000

Tom,

The same rules apply for you in your situation with your alcoholic son as the rest of us dealing with alcoholic spouses. You can love your son but with detachment. Look on this site for the material and information regarding this. You can live with your son, but with new rules for your peace of mind. Set boundaries and don’t tolerate any bad behaviour or threats and don’t allow your son to burden you with negative emotions of guilt and the like. You can’t control whether he suicides or not. So let go of the idea you can. If he means it, he will find a way regardless. Let go of your guilt and the threat of possibilities. Cut your parent bond but not the love. Let your son know you love him but won’t put up with ANY bad behaviour that impinges on your family home and your wife or your lives and health.

Your son is a grown man, not necessarily grown up but an adult nevertheless. He has to deal with his choices – alcohol, where he is in life. It was not you or your wife that put him there. You have shown nothing but great love and support for him. He should be so grateful for this. Also perhaps consider altering the level of support – mostly financial, not the love – so you aren’t unwittingly enabling his alcoholic behaviour and mis-behaviour. Set firm boundaries for what is and isn’t acceptable to make all your lives better. Alcoholics do love having boundaries. They are a bit like children in that regard. If they know the boundary they will work toward the acceptable level. If they cross it they need to learn to deal with it like a young child needs to learn about boundary and consequence. It gives them focus in life on behaviour. Better to focus on behaviour and boundaries than trying to cause disruption to get attention. Reward them verbally with recognition for keeping to the boundaries set. Saying thanks for controlling your anger when you see they are brewing underneath is a reward of recognition for their control over their emotions. This is just one example so you can get what I’m trying to say. Setting boundaries will improve all your lives.

Encourage him to seek help for his alcoholic behaviour. Talk calmly with him about this when he is sober or soberish. Tell him he has a problem with alcohol and to think of the times and places of what alcohol and drinking has caused. Tell him you have observed his increasing agressiveness. Tell him you are not out to get him but help him with his problems. If voices or tempers become heated or raised, stop right there and say, “we’ll end this now and discuss it again after you give it some thought.” And end it with “we only have your welfare in mind. We love you son.” Showing and saying you love someone is a very powerful tool for your loved one. They mightn’t say anything to that in return, but they feel the power of your love and will think about it long after you have said it.

Also seek the assistance of your pastor from church if you are in a church, they can offer spiritual health and healing for you and your wife. Everything and anything discussed with your pastor is confidential and totally private. Seek a pastor out if you aren’t in a church group. Also, as others have said, Al Anon is priceless to get you on your path to recovery to lead a happy and healthy life.

God bless you and your wife.

By: Teresa

Teresa — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 03:46:29 +0000

Ok, I read those three articles. Thank you JC for pointing them out to me.

About detachment; I’ve been slowing working on it, I think. However just lately I’ve been feeling melancholy and somber, which is unusual for me to feel this way. Like I’ve lost (death) someone. Grieving maybe? I haven’t had any conversations with my DH (Damn Husband in my case) during these past few days other than “Can you grill the steaks?”, “The babies need diaper changes.” (if I’m busy making dinner), etc. Very small talk.

I went to church last past Sunday and then stopped to visit my parents. I was talking to my parents about the church sermon and what I got out of it. Mom always has her bible near by so we looked up a few verses here and there. It felt good to have this un”normal” kind of visit with my parents. I’ve been praying for God’s strength and also to make the right choice(s) for what’s best for myself and our children as far as to divorce or not to divorce. I really hate the thought of divorce but I just don’t know how much more I can tolerate his drinking and all that goes along with it. I really do not want to be around him when or if he hits rock bottom. UGH!!!

By: admin

admin — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 02:59:12 +0000

To everyone who is participating, thanks for being open and honest in sharing your experience, strength and hope. Although our lives are different we need to pull form the wisdom of others when learning how to detach from an alcoholic. Here are a few posts: Alcoholic Needs To Hit The Road Why The Family Of Problem Drinkers Need Recovery Avoid Getting Abused By An Alcoholic

By: Louisa

Louisa — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 02:41:55 +0000

My husband doesnt even have health ins. plus he has a daily cough from chronic pot smoking

By: Teresa

Teresa — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 02:32:41 +0000

So I needed to go down to the basement to look for something in his freezer and couldn’t help notice he drank another half bottle of So Co last night (he just bought the 1.75 Lt yesterday evening). When he’s needed to see his primary doctor to get refills for his high blood pressure medicine, he won’t even answer the questions or when asked how much he drinks and smokes. He figures it’s none of the doctors business. He’s super sensitive? paranoid? about the government already having too much power over the people and our lives. Blah blah blah… Yeah, yeah, yeah… So frustrating!

By: Louisa

Louisa — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 02:18:01 +0000

Theresa, I could relate to some of what you said. My husband only drinks diet coke zero, never water, eats mainly fast food and drinks two bottles of wine a night. I am a health nut and have some supplements i take, and he would sneer and tell me i was hurting my body by putting those “chemicals” in it. Crazy.