What are the ways of detaching from someone who drinks too much? Why would we want to detach form an alcoholic? How can I do this in love when I am so angry at them for being this way? Is loving them still possible after all they have done to me?
This particular subject unfolds into many various roads. I will shed some light and share suggestions on how to separate our emotions from being enmeshed with a problem drinker. Separating ourselves from the way they affect us takes time. It is a process of learning how to do things differently. We don’t really realize it at the time, but our entire lives get all interconnected with everything they are doing and it really affects our behaviors in damaging and negative ways.
Don’t Allow Them to Rent Space in Your Head
You may be thinking; “what does HE mean by that?” Obsessing over an alcoholic is our biggest problem in this situation. The constant looming thoughts in our heads are taking up precious space in our minds. With that being said, don’t allow them to rent space in your head. Find things to do which will change your focus. Read books, exercise, go to the movies or talk to a friend on the phone. Find things that will help your mind DETACH from thinking about them.
Learn to Take Care of Yourself
In the midst of your extremely busy life, learn how to take “out time” for yourself. The alcoholic may not like it that you are doing something to make your SELF happy. That’s OK… do it anyway! When they approach you afterward, just say; “I’m sorry you fell that way” and go into another room.
Understand that alcoholics keep us angry and anxious. We must do things for ourselves in the detachment process regardless of what they think about us. If you are a woman, get your hair and nails done. If you are a man go golfing, fishing or go for a walk. Taking time out to get a massage works really well for relieving stress. You can count on meeting resistance from them, but you have to start taking care of yourself regardless of what they think.
Detaching From What They Think
Because an alcoholic uses anger to try and control us, we must not get upset when they voice their disapproval of when we take care of ourselves. If you get involved with alcoholism support group meetings, the alcoholic will try to goof up your plans. They might say something like; “why are you going to those stupid meetings?” It’s possible they will try to create an argument with you just prior to you leaving for a meeting. It doesn’t matter what they say. Take care of yourself and make your support group meetings and recovery literature the most important part of your life.
Detaching From The Phone
You have a choice…you can either answer the phone or not answer it. You also have another choice. You can either listen to a message they have left you or delete it without listening. YOU DON’T HAVE TO LET THEM UPSET YOU ON THE PHONE. If they are getting out of hand, kindly say; “I’m going to hang up now. I’ll talk to you later.” Then gently hang up the phone. If they leave you nasty messages, don’t listen to them. If the start calling you repeatedly, don’t answer the phone. This is how we detach form the negative influences that an alcoholic has on our lives.
In a sense we are protecting our own emotional self.
How to Stop Arguing With an Alcoholic
Detaching from the old behaviors of arguing with them takes a while. You will have to learn how to keep your mouth shut. When you sense an argument is starting, tell them that you love them or really care about them and then say; “I don’t care to discuss this right now.” You can then go into a different room, close the door and read a book or watch TV. It doesn’t matter what you do…just find something to do other than to argue with them. Learning how to not fight with an alcoholic takes time. This is why it’s important to get involved in support-group meetings for friends and family of alcoholics.
Detaching from the way we have been doing things is a huge subject. We must learn how to separate ourselves from feelings of guilt and shame.
How To Enjoy More Peace and Serenity
- We learn how to avoid getting into arguments.
- We stop getting into the car and driving around to try and find them.
- We quit snooping around in their stuff trying to find their stash.
- We stop obsessing over the alcoholic’s behaviors.
- We learn how to just get in bed and go to sleep when they aren’t home late at night.
- We detach from confronting the lies.
- We learn how to let go and let God deal with them.
- We stop calling them to check up on them.
There are so many things effecting your life right now from the alcoholic’s behaviors that it’s going to take a while to learn how to do things differently. Little by little, “one day at a time” things will get better as you learn more about how to detach from an alcoholic.
When dealing with an alcoholic, learning loving detachment techniques is vitally important. As we grow in knowledge about alcoholism and how to handle dysfunctional situations better, we start understanding that enabling and detaching are very closely related.
As you continue reading you will learn various methods of separating yourself in a loving way from the destructive behaviors of someone else who is close in your life. These lessons can be applied to many different types of relationships.
The more co-dependent we are and enmeshed with someone, the harder it is to distinguish where we begin and they end. When they are happy, we also are happy. When they are angry our emotions are affected in a negative way as well. We can learn how to not flow with the mood swings of an alcoholic. It’s just going to take making a few changes and doing that “one day at a time.” Remember to go easy on yourself. These changes are all about making progress and not necessarily about doing everything perfectly. If you mess up, just start over.
Let me just trow out a few…
Suggestions That Will Help You Detach from an Alcoholic:
- Get involved in Al-anon support group meetings. Al-anon is a great organization to try.
- Read literature on the subject
- Start developing friendships with people from your support-group meetings
- Take notes during meetings
- Start keeping a journal
- Make this new lifestyle the number one priority in your life
Now here are a few…
Methods of Detaching From A Problem Drinker:
- Kindly say, ” goodbye” and hang up the phone
- Refuse to listen to phone messages after you hang up and they frantically call you over and-over again.
- Quit investigating what they are doing
- Read books or go visit with friends
- Shut your mouth when you are angry at them and go into another room
- Don’t look at them trying to figure out if they’ve been drinking
- Get your own life by doing things you enjoy doing without them
- Don’t allow them to rent space in your head,. Stop thinking about them all the time
- Arguing with an alcoholic accomplishes nothing. Refuse to partake in the chaos
- Let go of them completely and stop trying to control their behaviors
- Go for walks
- Talk on the phone to friends or relatives
- Take up hobbies again
When We Start Detaching-We Stop Enabling.
This new way of acting will allow the alcoholic to suffer the consequences of their actions and also help them to reach their bottom. In separating ourselves from all of their drama, we in turn, experience more peace and serenity in our own personal lives. Loving the alcoholic by letting go is the goal of this detachment process that we are learning about.
Separating ourselves as an individual in a co-dependent relationship takes time. As we continue attending alcoholism support group meetings and set goals to better our personal lives, it becomes easier to lovingly remove ourselves from the alcoholic’s behaviors. Being kind to an alcoholic will become easier as we learn how to love them differently. Again, this is not something that will happen overnight.
Avoiding The Sting
As time goes on, we begin to recognize the times in which associating with them would not be a good idea. As we continue to learn detachment methods, the sting of alcoholism occurs less frequently. This works very much like hanging out around a bee hive. As long as you don’t stick your nose in the hive and keep a safe distance, you won’t get stung.
The hard part of detachment from an alcoholic is breaking habitual patterns that we have been doing for a long time. This “just takes time.” I’ve heard it said: “if you walk a hundred miles in the woods, don’t expect to walk out in an hour.” The same applies to being obsessed with an alcoholic. It takes time and effort to break free from our destructive behavior patterns that we have become accustomed to.
As we begin to detach more from all of their drama, we quit enabling them to depend upon us. It’s hard to do at first because we are so used to rescuing them from everything. When we quit rescuing them and let them suffer the consequences of their actions, we are less affected by their behaviors.
Detaching from an alcoholic means that we let go of them. It doesn’t mean that we quit loving or caring about them. We just learn how to mind our own business and start living our own lives as they continue to drink. Even though we may still get frustrated with an alcoholic, we will react differently so that WE will remain more calm and experience greater levels of peace within ourselves.
Today-
Consider making a list of things that you enjoy doing and start doing them. This can help tremendously in the process of changing our focus.
The alcoholic may not like our changes in behavior, OH WELL! We have to be strong as we start doing things differently. This is why we need the support of support group meetings and of friends who know how to help us change.
Loving detachment from alcoholism means that we don’t make decisions based upon the alcoholic’s opinions, moods or advice in relation to our life. We eventually begin to be hardly affected by their destructive behaviors, views and attitudes toward us.
Now …I know I’ve shared a lot in this session, but just remember to do the best that you can “one day at a time.”
Written By: JC Google +
Teresa, prayers are answered! Stay strong and focused on doing what you need to for you and your children. Prayers are with you.
Karen, he is behaving like this because we enabled him to do so. Why worry about the rent when a wonderful person like your self will bail him out either by paying rent or
by helping him move. He is finally facing a minor consequence of his behavior. You were able to say no because of family issues. Your children need you healthy
and strong. For that reason you can say no again and again. This opens the door to your new life. You can do
this with out guilt. You are doing this for yourself and children. There is nothing more important than that.
Hi Sally and Karens, just an up date, I am at this moment on train back to london, feeling sorry that I have had to leave him in this position, he looked like a little boy when I left. He wants me to come back week on tuesday. At the last minute I had to tell him that I would not be able to as have to go to my mums up north for a while, in fact just over two weeks, which goes past him having to leave his premises on 20th!!!! His response was bleep bleep your family. I said in my best way that you will cope with all this, just stay focused. Still, I must admit I do feel sad, although also rather different feelings going on, can’t put my finger on this one! I think its fear, tummy is churning. Hope all goes well for him, I will stay in touch with him over phone.
Thank you karens and sally for your support.
I felt the same way when I stood up to my husband but it
it can be relief not fear. Your S/O is having to face the reality HE created in his life. He may have to face other
problems along with moving. If you bail him out now you
will find that you are again, rescusing him. {enableing
him) to continue living highly with a bottle in his hand.
Now is the beginning of your changing and looking out for you. Hang in there. You can do this. Joy and peace will
come amidst all the drama and turmoil. Your spirit will
acknowledge the beginning of a welcome changes to your life. You will breath deep, see sunsets, even enjoy the
birds playing in the snow. Beyond this you will find
God and feel protected in the knowledge that his peace
will be with you in many ways.
Good luck, travel on in your journey and let your S/O
travel his. You will grow to a new place in your life
with or with out him. Good Luck in your journey as detatchment is not easy to do but well worth it.
Thankyou karens, God bless x
Karen, I hope all is well with your mum, and I know she will love and appreciate you being there with her. Forgive me, but I laughed when I read what your SO had to say about your family. Typical response from a drunk. If it’s not about him, it doesn’t matter, regardless of who it is. He is the center of his universe and wants to pressure you into agreeing that he IS the center of the universe. *sigh* They’re all the same – drunks will not tolerate anyone being more important than themselves in the lives of anyone who deals with them. He’ll manage or he won’t. Your mum loves you and truly needs you, and you’ve chosen to do the right thing. That other funny feeling you’re experiencing is ANGER. How dare that screw-up drunk belittle you for being involved with your family! When you get mad about the treatment he tries to dish out, and refuse time after time to give in, you’ll be free to live the life you deserve, not be grateful for the pitiful scraps of decency you may get from your drunk. If you get any at all. Been there and done that and not sorry in the least that I left the drunk in my life. I have good days, and so-so days and a bad one every once in a while, but even the bad days are better than the best day with the drunk. Stay strong. Hope your mum’s okay. Prayers for you. God bless.
Sally, I think I need to print and frame your letter to Karen! I separated from my husband and he STILL tries to pull this stuff with me now via phone calls & emails! Drunks NEVER look to themselves only others. Great post Sally!
Sally, thankyou so much, I needed that advice as had call from him last night asking me to come back, I said I couldnt, he put down the phone. This morning had call from the housing about him as he had spoken to them and he had asked them to call me to let me know what was said. The woman actually asked me if he could come and stay at mine if the housing did not have any responsibility to re-house him, can us believe that. I said “No, he lives in that county now and all his support net-work is there, not where I am”. Anyway after an hour had call from him totally stressed talking like a machine gun so fast, asking if he could come up for a while and that he will text me to let me know if he is coming. I said to him if he does that he has to go back for the housing appt which is next Monday, didnt quite get the no out that time. I am still going to my mums on 7th March, but was starting to feel defeated again, but after reading your reply sally, it gave me strength and hope and the knowledge that me going to mums is the right thing to do. Thankyou again. lots of love. p.s I will start to practice the angry feeling as this has been a major problem that I dont get angry with the right people and then get walked over, again and again, I know why this is, its that I have tried to please all the time even when I know they are wrong. On my way now to my brothers to support him on his visit to the doctors, another alcoholic. God bless
Karen, if he texts you that he’s coming, text him right back with a big, fat NO! Keep practicing saying “No” until it becomes second nature. See? You told your him no, and he hung up on you, but you didn’t get hit by a bolt of lightening for being “bad” and not rescuing him. You told the housing people no, and the world didn’t end. Drunks hate hearing no because it means they have to get up and actually do something for themselves, or it won’t get done. Think about it. Any time you tell anyone no and they pitch a fit, it’s not about you. It’s about the fact that you’re not making their lives easier for them by doing what they should be doing for themselves! Now, the question becomes, why would you want to make their lives easier, especially by making YOUR life harder? Your SO isn’t incapable of doing for himself. He doesn’t want to. Pity. You’re not his mother and he’s not helpless. He is, like most drunks, bone lazy. Refuse to make more work and worry for yourself. Put that energy into doing just one thing that you haven’t in a long while because you’ve been taking care of him instead of yourself. Drunks always seem to find some other sucker to fall for their sob story and rescue them. Just don’t be that person any longer. If it hasn’t worked in all the years you’ve been helping him, it won’t ever work. And that’s because you can’t do for him what HE has to do for himself. Safe travels, and much love.
hi sally havnt been in touch as my alcoholic turned up, sober thankfully. He has been here since wednesday. All is ok at moment, but the next day had to take him to my doctors for his swollen elbow, which he created on his last bender. At the doctors he also asked for diazepam, my doctor would not give him any but she did say “worth a try” as she could see through him. He has come up to stay sober he says, as he has an important appt on Monday morning back down south with the housing officer. I have had to buy him a coach ticket for his return trip which is happening tomorrow, sunday. He has basically isolated indoors while I have been visiting my children. Washed his clothes do this, do that etc. At least I feel I have tried to help him stay sober as he insists that if he had stayed on his own he would have already been drinking. Well the test comes for him on his return, after his housing meeting as I am not going back
with him, he has already asked me too. I am going to mums on wednesday for at least three weeks approx 250 miles away, so no chance of him coming up there. I so need a rest. I have had my alcoholic brother calling, texting, skyping with his problems too. Went to visit my brother last week, went with him to his gp to get rehab in place, but my brother will not commit himself at moment as he just wants his partner to come home and save him, which she dosnt want too, she hereself is in recovery 16 months now, I tried, nothing more I can do now. God bless you all.
Karen, I hope you’re ready to go enjoy your time with your mum. With all you have going on in your life, you don’t need or want to be his caretaker or his safety net. You’ll be surprised how well you’ll feel when you don’t have him sucking your energy out of you 24/7. Drunks are great at doing that. They take more energy than they’ll ever be worth. That he says he needs to be with you in order to stay sober is, in his mind, a compliment. You sound as though you’re in a better place mentally. Seeing your brother’s behavior is giving you a different perspective on your own situation. I had to laugh (forgive me) at the bit about him wanting his partner to come home and “save him.” As if anyone can save a drunk other than him or herself. Good for you that you know there’s nothing you can do. Even better that you know how badly you need a rest. Go! Get it! Enjoy a peaceful 3 weeks. At least. I hope you have an even longer rest! I envy you, but I am enjoying my permanent rest from the drunk I left. It’s been 6 weeks now, and I love, love, LOVE the peace and quiet, the never having to worry about a drunk doing something stupid while in a walking blackout and setting the house on fire or destroying something. I don’t miss the drunken rages, the nasty names and comments, the . . . all of it. I don’t miss it and I sincerely don’t miss him being in my life. A peaceful life was worth what it took to get it. Stay strong and stay in touch. You’re in my thoughts.
Karen, don’t forget to let yourself get mad and for sure don’t forget to do something you haven’t since he’s been in your life. Prayers go with you.
I have been married to my wife for just over one year. She has now vanished for the 14th time! She suffers from alcoholism! I can’t get her to stop drinking or seek help although I have dragged her to three AA meetings. She commited adultery after only 7 months of marriage and I decided to foolishly forgive her and take her back. Several days ago she vanished for the 14th time on the back of a motorcycle and spent the night with another man. She “…didn’t sleep with him” she says! However, two nights ago she got drunk, sat with the same man until 5 AM drinking, and by then both were blindo. She then told me she wanted to sleep in the backroom of the restaurant. I was appalled after all the trouble I have had with her strange behaviour. This same man was hanging around strumming a guitar, so I asked why! She said he “…lost his keys!”. Eventually this man left and my wife still insisted on remaining behind to sleep in the restaurant. I was upset by this and voiced my opinion that she wanted to get rid of me so she could go to this man’s house and continue drinking and was contemplating having sex with him! She scoffed at this and said “He is just a friend!” Eventually I did leave only to find I had left my cigarettes behind. I turned the car around and headed back to the restaurant…only to see my wife on the back of a motorbike with a member of her staff headed in the direction of this man’s house. I followed and she noticed I was behind her. They then headed away from the man’s house and in a different direction, but I continued to his house. The door was open, so much for having lost his keys! We had a conversation in his lounge. He said he loved me and my wife. He was sad we were not getting along and seemed sincere with tears in his eyes, but he was very drunk by this time! I eventually left and haven’t seen my wife since then. I suspect she is staying with this man but I cannot be certain.
My question is this: I love my wife and I don’t believe in divorce based on Christ’s teaching. Basically, God said when we marry we become “…one flesh”. There is no such thing as divorce. I think that my wife commited adultery after 7 months of marriage because she said “I wanted to make you angry so you would divorce me”. I also suspect that she is trying to make me angry again so I submit to divorcing her. In short, she wants money so she can carry on drinking without any hindrance from me, as I don’t drink and I’m “boring”, and I am always saying “please stop drinking, darling”. It does no good! She is Thai, of the Buddhist faith and says “Life is short, so why not enjoy yourself?”
THE FOLLOWING I FIND VERY DIFFICULT TO WRITE BUT I NEED HELP ON THIS: We went to the Philippine on our one year anniversary. She then decided to have a lesbian experience. I tried to talk her out of it but she said “I will do what I want!” I suspected her drinking was linked to lesbianism and the resulting guilt. After this lesbian experience with two other women (she did this twice!) she said she really didn’t think that this was her problem. We discussed her drinking and she said it is due to her not getting any love from her parents, and she was raised in extreme poverty. She says now that this is the root of her alcoholism and not lesbianism.
She called me late last night and I could hear she was in a bar. I asked if she was with a man and she said “There are lots of men here” and was very evasive, which is unusual as she is very outspoken when drunk. I suspect she is now operating as a prostitute as I cut her off financially. She then said “Can I say Fuck you!” She then said she wanted to come to our house and get her things, especially her ID. I said “Darling,why do you need your ID, please don’t go back to that life!”. She worked as a bar girl for two months before I met her. We met on the beach and I didn’t know this as she kept it well hidden! She said she needed it to get a job, wanted to get a divorce and go back to her free life. I suspect she wants to go back to the life of drinking and prostitution to obtain the money to drink. I’m so sad and the pain in my heart is indescribable.I still love her and I recognise she is mentally ill with alcoholism.
I met another woman at church who is the very antithesis to my wife. She is protestant as I am, doesn’t smoke or drink and is looking for a relationship. We are only friends now, but I am so lonely and desperate. I don’t want to divorce my wife as she is obviously mentally ill. I want to separate from her until she hits rock bottom and maybe comes to her senses. My pastor said “She definitely will hit rock bottom but not in the way you think. She will go to any length to get the money to drink, and you have to prepare yourself for this. The devil drink has got possession of her, I’m afraid!”
If she stops drinking I’ll continue with the marriage according to God’s law.If she doesn’t I will remain separated from her and live alone. I can’t see any other way out of this dilemma that her drinking has imposed on me. Otherwise, I’m fine! And all you thought you have problems! Try my life with an alcoholic wife!
hi sally, thank you so much for remembering i am going to mums. have been feeling very stressed about this. at this moment am trying to get my head around packing, as usual my head is full of everything else apart from what i need to be doing. thankyou again sally, i must get ready as need to catch the 11.08 train from kx. with much love, will be in touch x
James, thanks for sharing. I have always lived by my “morals” no matter what the other person has done. I spent plenty of time counseling with wise Christian “MEN” about the difficulties I was experiencing in my relationship with an alcoholic wife. I kept relationships with women on the lite side out of respect for my wife.
I think it is vitally important to seek God first in all that we do, especially in marriages.
Al-anon will teach you how to detach from the alcoholic and how to love her without conditions.
In the end all of the decisions are up to you. The things I had to face in my past relationship with an alcoholic were similar to yours.
Here are a few words of wisdom:
1) God did not want me to be a doormat
2) Unacceptable behavior is not acceptable
3) Alcoholics are being unfaithful in that they are one with the booze rather than one with their spouses
4) I surrounded myself with STRONG Christian men to help ensure that I would remain accountable for my decisions and actions.
Infidelity By An Alcoholic
Insanity Associated With Alcoholism
The Coping With Alcoholics Lessons are well worth the investment. You will begin to build a solid foundation quickly.
Hi James, … agree with “admin” and want to add that in Al-Anon we learn that no situation is hopeless … encourage you to check out a few meetings, thanks for sharing, and all the best ….
James, My heart aches for you. I recognize the similar
details of your relationship being somewhat as mine. When
we learn that our relationship is being destroyed by
alcoholism we seem to never recognize how sick their alcohol has made us. It is a disease that sickens all of the caring people around the alcoholic. That the alcohol
is destroying every one because they become the focus of our lives. Having to admit that our marriage is a sham,
living a double life of dealing with the alcohol and telling the more distant friends every thing is wonderful
when the truth is your marriage is in the toilet.
You must find a way to go on with your life. Your hobbies your interests. Your work. What ever you can do to keep
you emotionally in good health.
You do not have to decide today that you are leaving her.
Although reading between the lines I hear you are about to leave for your own mental health. Being Christian myself
I am not sure I am doing the right thing for either of us
by staying. Our 25 years together have had many ups and downs and only getting worse as we get older. I am developing a Christian life outside of marriage but I know
I cannot go on with him the center of everything. The drama is more than I can bear. Things are better for me now that God is the focus.
Good luck James, you will always have the support of this web sight to help you on your journey. We end up with this
experience to let us grow. We learn a lot and our lives
go on.
James, you have my heartfelt sympathy. Your pain is obvious and raw. You do need separation from your wife, and you need help from Al Anon as well, perhaps, as from a therapist to help you deal with your wife’s betrayal. The one thing you have to be honest with yourself about is why you ignored the warning signs about your wife before you married her. We all ignored and denied the bad things we saw or felt about our partners while we were becoming involved with them. Their behaviors weren’t hidden – we just ignored them because we wanted what we wanted. You will find some peace if you come to accept that you cannot and will never be able to change your wife in any way. Like many of us, you simply made a very bad choice. One thing you cannot get away with doing, though, is playing the martyr. Crawl down off the cross. You won’t earn any stars in your heavenly crown by sacrificing yourself for your wife’s sake. The last 3 sentences of your post say it all. Self-pity won’t help you and very few people will pat you on the back to say what a great guy you are to stick with such a poor excuse for a wife. She’s a wife in name only, as her actions have demonstrated to you time and time again. Yes, we all have problems, and they were or are all of our own choosing. I did 5 years in a self-made hell with a drunk, ignoring and pretending away his horrible, hateful, hurtful behavior toward me, and I finally found my backbone again and left him 6 weeks ago. Your wife and my ex- will quit drinking the day they die, and not a minute before, unless they have a major event happen, and even then they’ll go right back to drink as soon as they possibly can. That’s the nature of the addiction. You didn’t cause your wife’s any more than I caused my ex-‘s, and neither of us has the power to do anything for them except pray. I feel for you, I sincerely do, but I also know you are the only one who has the power to make your life better. It’s a choice you must make, as we all do here on this site. Just as the drunks in our lives make their CHOICE to drink. I’m also a Christian, but I’m not a saint or a martyr and I can only endure so much before self-preservation takes over. Blessedly, I wasn’t married to the recent drunk in my life, but I was married to one years ago. Something in us is broken, because we choose to allow these people into our lives. We also have the power to choose a different life. The issue is having the strength and courage to do so. My prayers are with you as you work through your problems. God bless.
Married or not I don’t believe God wants me or my children to have the lifestyle of living with an alcoholic. It’s very damaging for, not just myself but my kids as well. My 15 yo daughter is having issues with alcohol. My husband obviously gave her the impression that drinking is Ok for her. Well it’s NOT!!! Sure, lots teenagers get rebellious around this age and do things that their parents don’t want them to do. But to tell your daughter and purchase alcohol for her? No way!!! Thankfully my 17 yo son has stayed clear of alcohol & drugs.
As a reminder, we all here may be at different levels of healing & grieving in our life. I’m a bit of a quiet one around here but I do read all your posts. Most have given me more strenght to follow God and realize that it’s my job as a responsable parent to protect my kids. Not just from physical abuse either. It’s my job to teach & show my kids what IS right and what IS not right in life.
God bless each and everyone of us on our journey through life. <3
@Karen – when you get back from visiting with your mum, please let us know how you’re doing. I pray for you and hope that you’re seeing how lovely life is without an alcoholic continually creating havoc. Safe travels!
Glad to have found this site. Cannot help but notice how many times “go to another room” is advised. I’ve been “dealing” with my alcoholic significant other for 3 years now, and on weekends I stay in “another room”. Since he controls all the money, it’s not like getting out of the house is an option (but wouldn’t that amount to going to “another room” anyway?). When he comes home from work – after several hours at the bar first of course! – I go to “another room” or I’m already there by the time he stumbles from the car to the door. Basically, I live in “another room”. What now?
Hi all, its been a long time since writing. well i am back down south with my so, i know, helping/enabling again. this i am working on. he got evicted from his flat, this being the reason i came down, stayed in a b and b just for one night, his place was uninhabitable, this is a first for me, so am getting stronger 🙂 my so was not amused. anyway next morning went housing with him and they thankfully put him in a emergency accommodation awaiting an assessment, otherwise i would have been in a very dangerous situation. he could/would not believe i would not take him back to london and says he will not forget that i would have left him on the street. (he would have put himself there). anyway the housing have assessed my so and say he has made himself intentionally homeless. now have appealed for a review and yet again, thankfully, they have given an extension of 56 days whilst review is taking place. he has remained sober since i arrived, which is good, would not have stayed if he drank, he knows this now. i am returning back home over the next few days, and i pray that all will be well for me and of course for my so. i do want to return home, i miss home. God bless 🙂
Karen, so glad you’re stronger and back home! Sorry, I had to laugh at the “not going to forget” bit. I’m certain that there is much you’ll never forget, either, that he’ll never remember! 🙂 Just keep in mind that we can love many people and things that are not good for us and actually do us harm. I hope you had a grand time with your family. He has almost 2 months to work out a plan for himself. You can help by making suggestions, but don’t take action for him. Let him do it for himself. Too many of the drunks (okay, all of them that I’ve ever known) are quite content to let other people (us) do the work and make the effort to get things done. If having a place to live is important to your ABF, it’s got to be up to him to get it done. As they say, he needs some skin in the game or he won’t make any effort to keep what he gets, if he gets it. I’m pulling for you and praying that you stay strong, stay gone and are happy.
Great post — thanks, this is the right advice.
Thanks for all your posts. It is so reassuring to see the support on here. I have just left the alcoholic in my life after 6 months of craziness, drama, drinking, verbal, emotional and physical abuse from her.
I myself am a sober alcoholic, six years sober an in AA. Luckily I have had the benefit of that program to accept her as she is, although I came to the point 2 weeks ago that I cannot put up with her behaviour.
I have not reacted and left her in USA to come to UK. She is from Washington DC. I detached with love the best way I can, even giving her a hug at the airport and telling her I loved her. I have decided a not contact policy is the best way to detach from her. I have had great support from Al Anon, and from friends both in AA and out.
I now see how my earlier behaviours affected previous partners, friend and family. It is truly ugly. The only way I see is to walk away from the situation. I value myself enough to do that, and luckily I did not marry her. I nearly did, thinking it would save her. I took her to an AA meeting, but it is up to her now. I am concentrating on my own life and getting back the self esteem that has been destroyed. I hopefully have learnt enough not to get attached to someone who has these destructive tendencies.
Most of all now, I love the peace that I have not being in this relationship. You cannot buy that 🙂
Hi all, well my SO has been evicted, didnt even make the 56 days. I have been up north with mum for the past 8 days, came home yesterday to find the communual hall of my apartment trash everywhere, burnt carpet, spillage and stinking 🙁 Found out he was arrested again, and received a smacked hand and a fine and out again. He is now homeless walking the street but back in the town I live 🙁
I know what I have to do, stay calm, dont let him stay here. I have already had the housing officer on my case concerning the trouble as he had been sleeping outside my front door for the last 5 days. Luckily for me he had been arrested by the time I got home. Oh dear the trouble they cause with no qualms.
I now know he will survive, and feel slightly stronger, it has taken me a very long time to even realise this, thinking that I was his strength haha. I know I must concentrate on recovery myself, they do leave us feeling empty. There is still much to learn and I am so grateful for this site, you have helped me and I thankyou all.
Theres no point denying it there is trouble in the post which I must deal with calmly and appropriately whatever may come. Love to you all x
Oh, Karen, I’m happy you’re stronger and able to resist “rescuing” him. You go girl!! What’s with the housing officer? Is he one of them? On your case because of the actions of another? Sure sounds like a drunk’s rationale – blame anyone except the person directly responsible for the problem. I can only imagine what a mess you came home to. Just glad it was in the hallway and not in your place! Imagine what you place would look like after he’d been there a week. Uh…NO. Surely an organization exists of some kind that will help him with a bed to sleep in. Won’t help himself, but comes to your home, expecting you to “help” him – by doing all the adult work while he continues to act like an irresponsible child or worse. You’re doing the work of taking care of yourself, and I’m so thrilled that you’re spending more time with your mum. Never forget who’s really in your corner, there for you no matter what. YOU. And your family. Your DBF will, as you know, manage somehow. Drunks always do. Stay strong and don’t hesitate to call the police if DBF shows up at your door demanding you take him in. It’s like this – we can all feel sympathy for drunks, because they’re sick (in a manner of speaking). The thing to remember is that by being around one, we may become sick ourselves. Not a good outcome. Keep us posted! I’m in your corner.
Hey Everyone,
I just wanted to let you all know about my life after detaching from my alcoholic wife. I have practiced the no contact policy and so far so good. It has been hard to walk away as I REALLY loved her so much, but I divorced her and moved away without giving a farwarding address. My life turned around very quickly, I met a new partner who doesn’t drink or smoke, I have a new house and my self respect has slowly returned…not to normal but I’m getting there. I think about her every day and it is hard to stop myself from calling her but I know that the drama would simply start all over again. I tried 15 times taking her back, it’s great for about 2 weeks and then the binges start all over again, she vanishes, goes off with other men and I can tell you…it get’s old fast. So, I have tried to start over, it hasn’t been easy. I have to say I really miss my wife so much I cannot begin to describe the feeling…I really did try, over and over, but I realise she has a disease called alcoholism and a mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, and these drunks are the hardest to cure according to AA. She was crazy and I started to get crazy as well.
If you find yourself at the mercy of a drunk then walk away as you will only waste your time waiting for them to act rationally. I wasted so much time and money hoping that she’d see the error of her ways. It never happened. I only wish I could go back in time and warn myself…so many other people gave me warnings but I didn’t listen as I tought I knew better. Funnily enough, it was women who could see straight through her and gave me the most warnings. I guess we guys are suckers for a sweet smile and the charming personality of a drunk. I fell for it for sure. I hope the above will give someone out there the courage to walk away. The mind of an alcoholic is very dark, destructive and devious.I’m still going over in my mind the slow and painful control my wife slowly developed over me. I really didn’t see it coming although I’m a very rational person. But she pulled the wool overmy eyes and controled me very subtly and I really started to believe her drinking was all my fault. Wow, why didn’t I walk away sooner from that EVIL? Sober, she was wonderful, drunk she turned into a monster! If I hadn’t walked away she would have destroyed my life completely. Don’t let this happen to you. Take care and love to you all.
Dear James
So glad to hear your life is getting better since you detached. I have done the same and there is less confusion in my head. I miss my boyfriend but I don’t miss those obsessive thoughts trying to analyse his actions and motivations! I don’t have to now. There is so much more room for my life and I have been doing a lot more things and seeing old friends. I no longer feel like “the forgotten one” You are always left out when you are with an addictive partner. They are out there doing a lot of “stuff” whilst you wait around on the sidelines, or sofa!
Take care and I hope your life continues to get better and more interesting (in a good way!)
Sarah
James Pendragon:
Great to hear you found the strength to pull away from a self-destructive relationship that was going nowhere but downhill and fast. Now you have a new beginning. So pleased for you. Remember what self-knowledge you have gained from the experience and use that knowledge for greater good. Apply that self-knowledge to all areas of your life to make sure you don’t repeat the pattern elsewhere such as in business, or with family or friends. Stand firm and strong. Congratulations on a successful outcome for you.
Thanks Sarah and Caitlyn, for your comments.I still have to say my heart is bleeding as I miss my wife so much. It was only when I shared my experience with other guys that I realised that they too had been through bad experiences with drunken partners. What they kept saying was “James, think with your head, not with your heart”. “Don’t give in to the temptation of going back with her, it will just be a repeat performance. Five years from now it will still be the same. The only way she is going to reform herself is when she hits rock bottom and you don’t want to be around for that!” So, you see, you either put up with the drinking and the fallout or you walk away. I guess I know this in my heart of hearts. But I loved my wife so much and her drinking, her betryals when drunk and our divorce which was the result was soooooo devestating emotionally. I lost my first wife to cancer, I lost my second wife to alcoholism…but if I stay on course I know my life will become better and better. I sure don’t miss the agony of waiting at home night after night for a drunk to come home, it really was Hell on earth which I wouldn’t wish on anyone! Thanks for your thoughts guys.
thanks James and Caitlyn
I understand exaxtly how you feel. My boyfriend would ring me and talk about getting a house together in the country etc. I said i would love to once he had gone though treatment.Next week when I saw him he said he wasn’t going out with anyone but he’d seen someone he’d like to out with! (not me!) mmmm from moving in together to not even feeling anything for me…Crazy..you don’t know where you are. And the jealousy you feel is crippling. So why do we think they are so great?! I guess the same way they love the bottle/drug…they dont see, or ignore the bad bits! I have noticed the urge to ring my other half ( and get on the roller coaster again) becomes strongest when I myself am feeling low…like looking for a fix. Maybe I have had a great time out with friends for the evening, achieved something new, or done a good job at work. I come home and “come down” and feel a bit lonely and want that special person to connect with… and I’m tempted to ring him.
Lets stay strong. Yes I am still obsessed with him! But now its not every minute of every day and I no longer feel responsible for him. I do wonder whether he really loved me or if he is now with somone else and it hurts but looking for clues and guessing what he thought or how he felt made me feel crazy, pathetic and second class! Now I feel upset but its more how you would feel over a “normal” breakup.
I can’t stop the fantasy that he might sort himself out and be my partner but at least for now I am living my life and avoiding the turmoil. Maybe the fantasy eventually will fade away.
Sarah
Sarah, bless your heart! You don’t really wonder if he ever loved you. Honey, a drunk doesn’t know what love is. They’re adept at using and abusing people in their lives, but the only thing they love and can’t live without is their bottle. I completely understand that lonely feeling, but honestly, girl, learn to live with it and it WILL pass. You want to connect with a special someone? Connect with yourself. You need a fix? Babe, chocolate will treat you better than a drunk ever could. 🙂 Stay strong! A fantasy is just that – not real. You’re a sane, rational, intelligent adult. Adults don’t attempt to live in a fantasy. Celebrate yourself and the strength you show each! If you need extra motivation, made a list of every bad time, bad name or bad feeling you experienced with him. Then make a list of the good times. I’m betting they’ll be a little lopsided. Hang tight, girl! You can do this!!
Hey Sarah, You say you want to come home and connect with that special someone, but we both know it ain’t gonna happen. Drunks never love anyone. They are habitual liars and they often can sense exactly what to tell you to keep you on the hook. Baby, you sound really nice so don’t throw your precious life away on a drunk. Find someone else to love. I’ve been there baby, I know the pain. You met the wrong person…you know that. Don’t waste any more time on that worthless person. Like me, you had a fantasy that you met your soulmate because drunks know how to press peoples buttons. I wish you the very best, when you are down, try to think about other things or else you will follow your own tracks in blood back to a drunk WHO DIES’T LOVE YOU. IT’s hard honey….I know, I’ve been there! I know the pain.
Be STRONG, WALK AWAY
JAMES
It is one month now since I have seen my alcoholic ex girlfriend. The more time I have away from her the better I feel about myself.
She has been contacting me lots by internet, and I put her emails in my spam, but I still went to have a look in the spam folder. I did not respond to any email. I deactivated my facebook page, and she sent me an angry email, about the fact that I had proposed to her and now we are not even facebook friends! She told me about how ill she was (shingles, eye infection, on crutches due to sprained foot)which I felt was a big hook. She wanted me to contact her to let her know if I did not want contact. I ignored all messages. I felt stronger by hanging out with friends, gardening, exercising, spending time in nature and going to Alanon. The support I have had has been great. The most healing thing has been allowing my self to cry and scream whenever I want, usually at home into a pillow, or sometimes in the car. The other morning I she called me on my fixed line phone, and I do not have caller ID. I answered and she said she was worried about me as she had not heard from me, and had even started checking obituaries online with my name. Then the call became all about her! I told her I dint want contact as I need time to heal. She abruptly said “Have a good life, I miss you!” and hung up.
I sent her flowers with a note confirming that I do not want contact, but still love her.
Since then I have had not contact from her apart from an email sating “Thank you”
I feel in a relatively safe space now, and have been doing so many things for me….this has been important to getting my self esteem back. Also I kept a journal and everytime I feel like contacting her I read the entries. They show me the reality of the craziness, and abuse that was so rife. There is no way I want to go back there. Onward and upward 🙂
Hello all, not feeling in a good place right now 🙁
On my return found out he had been arrested, had a police officer knock on door early evening asking questions about him and to let me know he had been in custody 2 nights and at court in morning. I tried to not go but the pull was too great, so I attended court, he got another fine.
I know, I allowed him in, he stayed for one week, bathed and got stronger, we went local housing, doctors as he had infected feet from walking miles with his bottles. We approached night shelters but to no avail, out-reach service saying if he was rough sleeping he would be found by them. I even stayed with him under a car part until about 12.30 waiting for this person to help, I know its all crazy.
Anyway my SO decided to go back down south where he had originally been evicted, he went yesterday. I miss him, he knows that too. Had call from him early hours this morning, drinking and sitting in a shop doorway,saying he never got in to the shelter and asking me if it was ok if he had sex with a REAL woman or a girl 🙁 the pain this man causes me is so great, I so wish I never felt any feelings for him. It is so bloody hard. I dont know what will happen now with him, but I do know that he is coping better than me!
The pain and suffering they cause others is disgusting.
love to you all bye for now x
Karen and Jason, I know how you feel and am going thru the same. They always seem to want to drag us back in to their world. Mine has been out of the house for 7 months. We are going thru a divorce that he is fighting tooth and nail. He is making it more difficult and dragging it out and at the same time telling me it is all my fault. He keeps insisting that he is changing and we should get back together but I cannot for my own sanity and for the sake of my children who have been emotionally scarred because of his drinking and his abusive behaviors. A couple weeks ago he called me in the middle of the night and I answered as I did not recognize his new number. We talked for over two hours and he is still the same. As he says he is changing and knows what “issues” he has to work on, he in the same breath says that he did nothing wrong and doesn’t deserve the divorce and everything he is going thru. It is all about him still. He still does not care about what the children and I have gone through or are still going through.But since that call he has constantly tried to contact me with text messages and phone calls. All the messages are about how I should feel sorry for him and take him back. He wants to meet for lunch,etc.When he says he is lonely and needs support from me to change, I feel the old urges to try to help him. I feel responsible for making him feel better and am fighting those urges now. But I keep reminding myself of the truth which is easily confused in my head when i talk to him. So I am having to go back to no contact as well. God Bless you all and stay strong. I know I am trying to. And thanks for all the insightful sharing. It is easier when I know I am not alone in my plight.
Detachment is a process.
Step by step, less and less contact, bit by bit our peace and serenity returns.
Other people are better equipped than us to help the alcoholic who is going through their own emotional pain. People such as those in AA, professional counselors, their friends, their family.
Those are roles that we aren’t eq
Those are roles we aren’t equipped to take on.
I ran to Al-Anon, to a counselor, to a spiritual director. If the alcoholic won’t do the same and also say “God please change me”, then they can’t be in my life.
We are now going through a divorce, and because of our child I have to see him a whole lot, but that will lessen an lessen as time progresses.
And as it does, ME is returning to me.
So, Julie, and others whose situation won’t alow them to make a clean and swift break from the alcoholic, perhaps we should just make a slow yet steady, step by step break from the alcoholic.
Tough Love.
Keep strong!
Words of wisdom. Thanks, Sheila!
Folks, though the details are different, because we’re all unique beings, the plot of all our stories is the same – we foolishly became involved with a drunk. We’ve struggled and some are still struggling to escape the quicksand that passes for a real relationship with these drunks. Drunks are all, every one, self-absorbed, selfish, manipulative, abusive, parasitic, soul-destroying liars. We are all overly compassionate, loving, responsible adults who feel the overwhelming need to take care of all those who come into our orbit, whether or not they are deserving of our efforts. For the record, drunks most definitely are not beings we should expend any energy in trying to aid. The only aid that will ever benefit them is their own.
Bottom line, it comes down to this, and it’s a matter of life or death – it’s them or us. Five months ago I made the choice. Me. I have had dark days, lonely nights and days, felt empty and useless – and that was during most of the 5 years I lived with him. Since freeing myself, I’ve still had bad days, but I’ve never looked back, never regretted leaving and have made a vow that I will never, NEVER put myself into such a situation again. There are worse things than living alone, and living with and loving a drunk are at the top of the list.
Stay strong, don’t look back, and believe that your lives can be as wonderful as you dream they can be. Your belief will create your reality.
Thanks Sally.You don’t know how I needed to hear that. I know I won’t be alone without my AH. I have my children, my friends, my family. But it is difficult to turn away from someone I keep hoping to help. It is hard to realize he needs to help himself. And my AH is still drinking even after he is losing his family and on probation at work etc… His calls to me are messages begging me to just talk to him as he has no one else and is lonely. So it is very difficult and I cannot cut all ties with him as he has visitation rights with the children through the courts. But I am trying like Sheila said to stop contact little by little. Thanks Sally and everyone else for your advice and your personal stories that help me stay focused on what is best for me and my children. God bless you all!
Julie, your drunk (and all of ours, present or past) isn’t lonely; he’s needy, looking for the most vulnerable sucker he knows that he has the best chance of manipulating into being his crutch and whipping post – again. That he has no one else isn’t your problem, but he sure as hell wants you to think that his problem is yours to solve. The one word a drunk hates above all others is “NO.” A drunk will rail and whine and bitch and moan and threaten and rage at the person who dares to use it toward them and their unreasonable demands on our time, attention, money, emotions and our right to our very lives. In a drunk’s mind, we all only exist to make their lives easier, so they can continue to be drunks and we can suck up the real business of life and living – all the dreary, tiresome, boring, tedious things that we all do every day – paying bills, working, cooking, cleaning, doing dishes, all of the mundane chores and every effort that we make to maintain relationships with families and friends. Drunks do deal with the business of life. In their minds, that’s our job – to do it for ourselves and for them, too.
Julie, you have to face the hard truth – you CAN’T help him, you never will be able to. It’s beyond our abilities to help any of the drunks that are or have been in our lives. You can only help yourself and your children. It won’t always be hard to accept that you can’t help him or that he has to do it himself. Apart from the children, whatever happens in his life from now on isn’t your business. Do whatever you need to to prepare for supporting the children completely on your own, if you’re not already.
Yes, it’s hard and yes, it sucks, but it is what it is. I hear the anguish in your statement that he’s still drinking even after… Honey, drunks don’t give a damn what they lose. Plain and simple. Don’t give him any more of your time, and especially your energy, than you already have. You can’t get either back, and both are wasted on a drunk. You’re too good a person to spend energy on him that you need for yourself. Energy is a more scarce commodity than money, so it needs to be spent very carefully. Stay strong and secure in the knowledge that you’re on the right path – for you. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.
Correction: Drunks DON’T deal with the business of life.
Sally, you are absolutely right. But it is very difficult for me to totally detach. But I realize it is the only way. He doesn’t hear my words telling him he needs help from professionals. he only knows that i responded to his cry for help or sympathy. So it is definitely best to just not answer his calls and texts. I thought I was doing better at not falling into the old patterns but once again it is difficult. I keep praying and utilizing the help I get from family, friends, counseling and this forum. THanks Sally for your insights and your prayers. I will one day be totally free from this hold.
Sally and Julie, thanks for your posts. They have been helpful to me.
Alcoholics sure don’t like to hear ‘no’.
So, those of us that can’t EASILY say ‘no’ are prime targets for them.
They gravitate toward people who don’t tell them ‘no’.
After us, they move on to others. It’s a inner urge to power over people; an urge that they long to satiate.
I am trying my level best to protect my little daughter from that manipulation by her dad.
I believe that sometimes the alcoholic isn’t always fully aware of their own behavior pattern. When this is the case, I think I have to be ever-more vigilant. If I am not level headed, who will be? Who else will protect my daughter? My alcoholic can be quite nice and charming…and I have to be on gaurd against that.
The naive and unsuspecting can easily be fooled by that.
My alcoholic is walking away from a beautiful, successful woman, a very nice house, and a beautiful and smart daughter. So, you’re right Sally…they don’t care what they lose…Just don’t try to get too close to them or break through that mirror-lined box that their head resides inside of….or they will retaliate and bite your head off. And twist your kindness and use it AGAINST you. Bizarre.
Three cheers to all of US!
Sheila I feel for you and your daughter. It is so hard to protect the children. And you are correct they use any kindness we show against us all. My teenage children are struggling with their anger against him and the youngest who is eight is still looking for approval from him as a father. We are still in a position where he can still break our hearts and try to manipulate us all. And unfortunately because he has court ordered visitation I cannot keep the children from him. So I understand your frustraton in trying to protect your daughter. You are both in my prayers. But you sound like you are staying strong. Keep up the good work. Let God be your Guide.
Just opened up some mail to find this.
Julie, and all others out there, it’s called detaching. If you find you must help your alcoholics for what ever your reason, logic or choices detach from the hurtful things they say as in Julie’s case asking her for permission to sleep with another. He wanted a big reaction from you. Bet he got it too. Best thing is to put the onus on them and say if that’s your choice and let them know “I can make choices too”. You can choose to ignore the pain they cause you by detaching from their action or words while still being a friend and lending them a helping hand. It takes practice to remove yourself emotionally from them and letting them know in quiet, but no uncertain terms that you can hear the hurtful things they say or do because it isn’t them, or because you want to help them as a friend but not be pulled into any emotional blackmail or emotional manipulation. This works both ways. Question why you feel so compelled to help them when they hurt you so. Question your motive, you just might find an answer for yourself about yourself and with this knowledge you can set things right for yourself. Make sure you aren’t using them and the pain they cause you to justify yourself to yourself or to set yourself on a martyr pedestal. Not saying any of you do, but just question your motive for your compulsion to assist an alcoholic. At the end of the day regardless of what the tie is, parent to child, lover to lover, partner to partner we all don’t ‘owe’ anybody anything and are accountable for the lives we lead not for the lives others lead, so lead yours the right way. Truth, honesty, no judgement, love and good will shall light the path of your destiny. Don’t let anyone detract from it. Detach from the notion of duty toward others except the very young of course. Sometimes an alcoholic can be a child under 16 and this wouldn’t apply then as parents have a moral and legal obligation to parental guidance and intervention. My comments are for mature aged folks. Hope this makes sense.
Hi,
I am new here and just been reading all your posts. My best friend is an alcoholic, I got so involved trying to help I lost myself totally!
It got to a stage 3 months ago that I was lied & conned again so I just cut off & didn’t contact her, she knows why!
The last month or 2 I have had texts from her but not sort of apology, the other day she texted me & I was just honest & said I hate the way I have been treated! It’s hard because I do feel sad for her but after the way she has behaved I feel continuing the friendship would just be bad for both of us!
We were so close & everyday I think about it!
I just can’t see a way to go back to a normal friendship now so much trust is broken.
I feel sad like a best friend has died.
I’m not sure what to do as although I miss her I really don’t think I can enter back into her life.
My life is better in other ways & I am finally enjoying hobbies that I have!
Sorry I forgot to say….
…. She said she wants get get back to bring friends!
How do I know this isn’t just to use me? If I don’t then how do I know I haven’t just thrown a friendship away?
What’s the best thing to do?