What are the ways of detaching from someone who drinks too much? Why would we want to detach form an alcoholic? How can I do this in love when I am so angry at them for being this way? Is loving them still possible after all they have done to me?
This particular subject unfolds into many various roads. I will shed some light and share suggestions on how to separate our emotions from being enmeshed with a problem drinker. Separating ourselves from the way they affect us takes time. It is a process of learning how to do things differently. We don’t really realize it at the time, but our entire lives get all interconnected with everything they are doing and it really affects our behaviors in damaging and negative ways.
Don’t Allow Them to Rent Space in Your Head
You may be thinking; “what does HE mean by that?” Obsessing over an alcoholic is our biggest problem in this situation. The constant looming thoughts in our heads are taking up precious space in our minds. With that being said, don’t allow them to rent space in your head. Find things to do which will change your focus. Read books, exercise, go to the movies or talk to a friend on the phone. Find things that will help your mind DETACH from thinking about them.
Learn to Take Care of Yourself
In the midst of your extremely busy life, learn how to take “out time” for yourself. The alcoholic may not like it that you are doing something to make your SELF happy. That’s OK… do it anyway! When they approach you afterward, just say; “I’m sorry you fell that way” and go into another room.
Understand that alcoholics keep us angry and anxious. We must do things for ourselves in the detachment process regardless of what they think about us. If you are a woman, get your hair and nails done. If you are a man go golfing, fishing or go for a walk. Taking time out to get a massage works really well for relieving stress. You can count on meeting resistance from them, but you have to start taking care of yourself regardless of what they think.
Detaching From What They Think
Because an alcoholic uses anger to try and control us, we must not get upset when they voice their disapproval of when we take care of ourselves. If you get involved with alcoholism support group meetings, the alcoholic will try to goof up your plans. They might say something like; “why are you going to those stupid meetings?” It’s possible they will try to create an argument with you just prior to you leaving for a meeting. It doesn’t matter what they say. Take care of yourself and make your support group meetings and recovery literature the most important part of your life.
Detaching From The Phone
You have a choice…you can either answer the phone or not answer it. You also have another choice. You can either listen to a message they have left you or delete it without listening. YOU DON’T HAVE TO LET THEM UPSET YOU ON THE PHONE. If they are getting out of hand, kindly say; “I’m going to hang up now. I’ll talk to you later.” Then gently hang up the phone. If they leave you nasty messages, don’t listen to them. If the start calling you repeatedly, don’t answer the phone. This is how we detach form the negative influences that an alcoholic has on our lives.
In a sense we are protecting our own emotional self.
How to Stop Arguing With an Alcoholic
Detaching from the old behaviors of arguing with them takes a while. You will have to learn how to keep your mouth shut. When you sense an argument is starting, tell them that you love them or really care about them and then say; “I don’t care to discuss this right now.” You can then go into a different room, close the door and read a book or watch TV. It doesn’t matter what you do…just find something to do other than to argue with them. Learning how to not fight with an alcoholic takes time. This is why it’s important to get involved in support-group meetings for friends and family of alcoholics.
Detaching from the way we have been doing things is a huge subject. We must learn how to separate ourselves from feelings of guilt and shame.
How To Enjoy More Peace and Serenity
- We learn how to avoid getting into arguments.
- We stop getting into the car and driving around to try and find them.
- We quit snooping around in their stuff trying to find their stash.
- We stop obsessing over the alcoholic’s behaviors.
- We learn how to just get in bed and go to sleep when they aren’t home late at night.
- We detach from confronting the lies.
- We learn how to let go and let God deal with them.
- We stop calling them to check up on them.
There are so many things effecting your life right now from the alcoholic’s behaviors that it’s going to take a while to learn how to do things differently. Little by little, “one day at a time” things will get better as you learn more about how to detach from an alcoholic.
When dealing with an alcoholic, learning loving detachment techniques is vitally important. As we grow in knowledge about alcoholism and how to handle dysfunctional situations better, we start understanding that enabling and detaching are very closely related.
As you continue reading you will learn various methods of separating yourself in a loving way from the destructive behaviors of someone else who is close in your life. These lessons can be applied to many different types of relationships.
The more co-dependent we are and enmeshed with someone, the harder it is to distinguish where we begin and they end. When they are happy, we also are happy. When they are angry our emotions are affected in a negative way as well. We can learn how to not flow with the mood swings of an alcoholic. It’s just going to take making a few changes and doing that “one day at a time.” Remember to go easy on yourself. These changes are all about making progress and not necessarily about doing everything perfectly. If you mess up, just start over.
Let me just trow out a few…
Suggestions That Will Help You Detach from an Alcoholic:
- Get involved in Al-anon support group meetings. Al-anon is a great organization to try.
- Read literature on the subject
- Start developing friendships with people from your support-group meetings
- Take notes during meetings
- Start keeping a journal
- Make this new lifestyle the number one priority in your life
Now here are a few…
Methods of Detaching:
- Kindly say, ” goodbye” and hang up the phone
- Refuse to listen to phone messages after you hang up and they frantically call you over and-over again.
- Quit investigating what they are doing
- Read books or go visit with friends
- Shut your mouth when you are angry at them and go into another room
- Don’t look at them trying to figure out if they’ve been drinking
- Get your own life by doing things you enjoy doing without them
- Don’t allow them to rent space in your head,. Stop thinking about them all the time
- Arguing with an alcoholic accomplishes nothing. Refuse to partake in the chaos
- Let go of them completely and stop trying to control their behaviors
- Go for walks
- Talk on the phone to friends or relatives
- Take up hobbies again
When We Start Detaching-We Stop Enabling.
This new way of acting will allow the alcoholic to suffer the consequences of their actions and also help them to reach their bottom. In separating ourselves from all of their drama, we in turn, experience more peace and serenity in our own personal lives. Loving the alcoholic by letting go is the goal of this detachment process that we are learning about.
Separating ourselves as an individual in a co-dependent relationship takes time. As we continue attending alcoholism support group meetings and set goals to better our personal lives, it becomes easier to lovingly remove ourselves from the alcoholic’s behaviors. Being kind to an alcoholic will become easier as we learn how to love them differently. Again, this is not something that will happen overnight.
Avoiding The Sting
As time goes on, we begin to recognize the times in which associating with them would not be a good idea. As we continue to learn detachment methods, the sting of alcoholism occurs less frequently. This works very much like hanging out around a bee hive. As long as you don’t stick your nose in the hive and keep a safe distance, you won’t get stung.
The hard part of detachment from an alcoholic is breaking habitual patterns that we have been doing for a long time. This “just takes time.” I’ve heard it said: ”if you walk a hundred miles in the woods, don’t expect to walk out in an hour.” The same applies to being obsessed with an alcoholic. It takes time and effort to break free from our destructive behavior patterns that we have become accustomed to.
As we begin to detach more from all of their drama, we quit enabling them to depend upon us. It’s hard to do at first because we are so used to rescuing them from everything. When we quit rescuing them and let them suffer the consequences of their actions, we are less affected by their behaviors.
Detaching from an alcoholic means that we let go of them. It doesn’t mean that we quit loving or caring about them. We just learn how to mind our own business and start living our own lives as they continue to drink. Even though we may still get frustrated with an alcoholic, we will react differently so that WE will remain more calm and experience greater levels of peace within ourselves.
Today-
Consider making a list of things that you enjoy doing and start doing them. This can help tremendously in the process of changing our focus.
The alcoholic may not like our changes in behavior, OH WELL! We have to be strong as we start doing things differently. This is why we need the support of support group meetings and of friends who know how to help us change.
Loving detachment from alcoholism means that we don’t make decisions based upon the alcoholic’s opinions, moods or advice in relation to our life. We eventually begin to be hardly affected by their destructive behaviors, views and attitudes toward us.
Now …I know I’ve shared a lot in this session, but just remember to do the best that you can “one day at a time.”
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Teresa, prayers are answered! Stay strong and focused on doing what you need to for you and your children. Prayers are with you.
Karen, he is behaving like this because we enabled him to do so. Why worry about the rent when a wonderful person like your self will bail him out either by paying rent or
by helping him move. He is finally facing a minor consequence of his behavior. You were able to say no because of family issues. Your children need you healthy
and strong. For that reason you can say no again and again. This opens the door to your new life. You can do
this with out guilt. You are doing this for yourself and children. There is nothing more important than that.
Hi Sally and Karens, just an up date, I am at this moment on train back to london, feeling sorry that I have had to leave him in this position, he looked like a little boy when I left. He wants me to come back week on tuesday. At the last minute I had to tell him that I would not be able to as have to go to my mums up north for a while, in fact just over two weeks, which goes past him having to leave his premises on 20th!!!! His response was bleep bleep your family. I said in my best way that you will cope with all this, just stay focused. Still, I must admit I do feel sad, although also rather different feelings going on, can’t put my finger on this one! I think its fear, tummy is churning. Hope all goes well for him, I will stay in touch with him over phone.
Thank you karens and sally for your support.
I felt the same way when I stood up to my husband but it
it can be relief not fear. Your S/O is having to face the reality HE created in his life. He may have to face other
problems along with moving. If you bail him out now you
will find that you are again, rescusing him. {enableing
him) to continue living highly with a bottle in his hand.
Now is the beginning of your changing and looking out for you. Hang in there. You can do this. Joy and peace will
come amidst all the drama and turmoil. Your spirit will
acknowledge the beginning of a welcome changes to your life. You will breath deep, see sunsets, even enjoy the
birds playing in the snow. Beyond this you will find
God and feel protected in the knowledge that his peace
will be with you in many ways.
Good luck, travel on in your journey and let your S/O
travel his. You will grow to a new place in your life
with or with out him. Good Luck in your journey as detatchment is not easy to do but well worth it.
Thankyou karens, God bless x
Karen, I hope all is well with your mum, and I know she will love and appreciate you being there with her. Forgive me, but I laughed when I read what your SO had to say about your family. Typical response from a drunk. If it’s not about him, it doesn’t matter, regardless of who it is. He is the center of his universe and wants to pressure you into agreeing that he IS the center of the universe. *sigh* They’re all the same – drunks will not tolerate anyone being more important than themselves in the lives of anyone who deals with them. He’ll manage or he won’t. Your mum loves you and truly needs you, and you’ve chosen to do the right thing. That other funny feeling you’re experiencing is ANGER. How dare that screw-up drunk belittle you for being involved with your family! When you get mad about the treatment he tries to dish out, and refuse time after time to give in, you’ll be free to live the life you deserve, not be grateful for the pitiful scraps of decency you may get from your drunk. If you get any at all. Been there and done that and not sorry in the least that I left the drunk in my life. I have good days, and so-so days and a bad one every once in a while, but even the bad days are better than the best day with the drunk. Stay strong. Hope your mum’s okay. Prayers for you. God bless.
Sally, I think I need to print and frame your letter to Karen! I separated from my husband and he STILL tries to pull this stuff with me now via phone calls & emails! Drunks NEVER look to themselves only others. Great post Sally!
Sally, thankyou so much, I needed that advice as had call from him last night asking me to come back, I said I couldnt, he put down the phone. This morning had call from the housing about him as he had spoken to them and he had asked them to call me to let me know what was said. The woman actually asked me if he could come and stay at mine if the housing did not have any responsibility to re-house him, can us believe that. I said “No, he lives in that county now and all his support net-work is there, not where I am”. Anyway after an hour had call from him totally stressed talking like a machine gun so fast, asking if he could come up for a while and that he will text me to let me know if he is coming. I said to him if he does that he has to go back for the housing appt which is next Monday, didnt quite get the no out that time. I am still going to my mums on 7th March, but was starting to feel defeated again, but after reading your reply sally, it gave me strength and hope and the knowledge that me going to mums is the right thing to do. Thankyou again. lots of love. p.s I will start to practice the angry feeling as this has been a major problem that I dont get angry with the right people and then get walked over, again and again, I know why this is, its that I have tried to please all the time even when I know they are wrong. On my way now to my brothers to support him on his visit to the doctors, another alcoholic. God bless
Karen, if he texts you that he’s coming, text him right back with a big, fat NO! Keep practicing saying “No” until it becomes second nature. See? You told your him no, and he hung up on you, but you didn’t get hit by a bolt of lightening for being “bad” and not rescuing him. You told the housing people no, and the world didn’t end. Drunks hate hearing no because it means they have to get up and actually do something for themselves, or it won’t get done. Think about it. Any time you tell anyone no and they pitch a fit, it’s not about you. It’s about the fact that you’re not making their lives easier for them by doing what they should be doing for themselves! Now, the question becomes, why would you want to make their lives easier, especially by making YOUR life harder? Your SO isn’t incapable of doing for himself. He doesn’t want to. Pity. You’re not his mother and he’s not helpless. He is, like most drunks, bone lazy. Refuse to make more work and worry for yourself. Put that energy into doing just one thing that you haven’t in a long while because you’ve been taking care of him instead of yourself. Drunks always seem to find some other sucker to fall for their sob story and rescue them. Just don’t be that person any longer. If it hasn’t worked in all the years you’ve been helping him, it won’t ever work. And that’s because you can’t do for him what HE has to do for himself. Safe travels, and much love.
hi sally havnt been in touch as my alcoholic turned up, sober thankfully. He has been here since wednesday. All is ok at moment, but the next day had to take him to my doctors for his swollen elbow, which he created on his last bender. At the doctors he also asked for diazepam, my doctor would not give him any but she did say “worth a try” as she could see through him. He has come up to stay sober he says, as he has an important appt on Monday morning back down south with the housing officer. I have had to buy him a coach ticket for his return trip which is happening tomorrow, sunday. He has basically isolated indoors while I have been visiting my children. Washed his clothes do this, do that etc. At least I feel I have tried to help him stay sober as he insists that if he had stayed on his own he would have already been drinking. Well the test comes for him on his return, after his housing meeting as I am not going back
with him, he has already asked me too. I am going to mums on wednesday for at least three weeks approx 250 miles away, so no chance of him coming up there. I so need a rest. I have had my alcoholic brother calling, texting, skyping with his problems too. Went to visit my brother last week, went with him to his gp to get rehab in place, but my brother will not commit himself at moment as he just wants his partner to come home and save him, which she dosnt want too, she hereself is in recovery 16 months now, I tried, nothing more I can do now. God bless you all.
Karen, I hope you’re ready to go enjoy your time with your mum. With all you have going on in your life, you don’t need or want to be his caretaker or his safety net. You’ll be surprised how well you’ll feel when you don’t have him sucking your energy out of you 24/7. Drunks are great at doing that. They take more energy than they’ll ever be worth. That he says he needs to be with you in order to stay sober is, in his mind, a compliment. You sound as though you’re in a better place mentally. Seeing your brother’s behavior is giving you a different perspective on your own situation. I had to laugh (forgive me) at the bit about him wanting his partner to come home and “save him.” As if anyone can save a drunk other than him or herself. Good for you that you know there’s nothing you can do. Even better that you know how badly you need a rest. Go! Get it! Enjoy a peaceful 3 weeks. At least. I hope you have an even longer rest! I envy you, but I am enjoying my permanent rest from the drunk I left. It’s been 6 weeks now, and I love, love, LOVE the peace and quiet, the never having to worry about a drunk doing something stupid while in a walking blackout and setting the house on fire or destroying something. I don’t miss the drunken rages, the nasty names and comments, the . . . all of it. I don’t miss it and I sincerely don’t miss him being in my life. A peaceful life was worth what it took to get it. Stay strong and stay in touch. You’re in my thoughts.
Karen, don’t forget to let yourself get mad and for sure don’t forget to do something you haven’t since he’s been in your life. Prayers go with you.
I have been married to my wife for just over one year. She has now vanished for the 14th time! She suffers from alcoholism! I can’t get her to stop drinking or seek help although I have dragged her to three AA meetings. She commited adultery after only 7 months of marriage and I decided to foolishly forgive her and take her back. Several days ago she vanished for the 14th time on the back of a motorcycle and spent the night with another man. She “…didn’t sleep with him” she says! However, two nights ago she got drunk, sat with the same man until 5 AM drinking, and by then both were blindo. She then told me she wanted to sleep in the backroom of the restaurant. I was appalled after all the trouble I have had with her strange behaviour. This same man was hanging around strumming a guitar, so I asked why! She said he “…lost his keys!”. Eventually this man left and my wife still insisted on remaining behind to sleep in the restaurant. I was upset by this and voiced my opinion that she wanted to get rid of me so she could go to this man’s house and continue drinking and was contemplating having sex with him! She scoffed at this and said “He is just a friend!” Eventually I did leave only to find I had left my cigarettes behind. I turned the car around and headed back to the restaurant…only to see my wife on the back of a motorbike with a member of her staff headed in the direction of this man’s house. I followed and she noticed I was behind her. They then headed away from the man’s house and in a different direction, but I continued to his house. The door was open, so much for having lost his keys! We had a conversation in his lounge. He said he loved me and my wife. He was sad we were not getting along and seemed sincere with tears in his eyes, but he was very drunk by this time! I eventually left and haven’t seen my wife since then. I suspect she is staying with this man but I cannot be certain.
My question is this: I love my wife and I don’t believe in divorce based on Christ’s teaching. Basically, God said when we marry we become “…one flesh”. There is no such thing as divorce. I think that my wife commited adultery after 7 months of marriage because she said “I wanted to make you angry so you would divorce me”. I also suspect that she is trying to make me angry again so I submit to divorcing her. In short, she wants money so she can carry on drinking without any hindrance from me, as I don’t drink and I’m “boring”, and I am always saying “please stop drinking, darling”. It does no good! She is Thai, of the Buddhist faith and says “Life is short, so why not enjoy yourself?”
THE FOLLOWING I FIND VERY DIFFICULT TO WRITE BUT I NEED HELP ON THIS: We went to the Philippine on our one year anniversary. She then decided to have a lesbian experience. I tried to talk her out of it but she said “I will do what I want!” I suspected her drinking was linked to lesbianism and the resulting guilt. After this lesbian experience with two other women (she did this twice!) she said she really didn’t think that this was her problem. We discussed her drinking and she said it is due to her not getting any love from her parents, and she was raised in extreme poverty. She says now that this is the root of her alcoholism and not lesbianism.
She called me late last night and I could hear she was in a bar. I asked if she was with a man and she said “There are lots of men here” and was very evasive, which is unusual as she is very outspoken when drunk. I suspect she is now operating as a prostitute as I cut her off financially. She then said “Can I say Fuck you!” She then said she wanted to come to our house and get her things, especially her ID. I said “Darling,why do you need your ID, please don’t go back to that life!”. She worked as a bar girl for two months before I met her. We met on the beach and I didn’t know this as she kept it well hidden! She said she needed it to get a job, wanted to get a divorce and go back to her free life. I suspect she wants to go back to the life of drinking and prostitution to obtain the money to drink. I’m so sad and the pain in my heart is indescribable.I still love her and I recognise she is mentally ill with alcoholism.
I met another woman at church who is the very antithesis to my wife. She is protestant as I am, doesn’t smoke or drink and is looking for a relationship. We are only friends now, but I am so lonely and desperate. I don’t want to divorce my wife as she is obviously mentally ill. I want to separate from her until she hits rock bottom and maybe comes to her senses. My pastor said “She definitely will hit rock bottom but not in the way you think. She will go to any length to get the money to drink, and you have to prepare yourself for this. The devil drink has got possession of her, I’m afraid!”
If she stops drinking I’ll continue with the marriage according to God’s law.If she doesn’t I will remain separated from her and live alone. I can’t see any other way out of this dilemma that her drinking has imposed on me. Otherwise, I’m fine! And all you thought you have problems! Try my life with an alcoholic wife!
hi sally, thank you so much for remembering i am going to mums. have been feeling very stressed about this. at this moment am trying to get my head around packing, as usual my head is full of everything else apart from what i need to be doing. thankyou again sally, i must get ready as need to catch the 11.08 train from kx. with much love, will be in touch x
James, thanks for sharing. I have always lived by my “morals” no matter what the other person has done. I spent plenty of time counseling with wise Christian “MEN” about the difficulties I was experiencing in my relationship with an alcoholic wife. I kept relationships with women on the lite side out of respect for my wife.
I think it is vitally important to seek God first in all that we do, especially in marriages.
Al-anon will teach you how to detach from the alcoholic and how to love her without conditions.
In the end all of the decisions are up to you. The things I had to face in my past relationship with an alcoholic were similar to yours.
Here are a few words of wisdom:
1) God did not want me to be a doormat
2) Unacceptable behavior is not acceptable
3) Alcoholics are being unfaithful in that they are one with the booze rather than one with their spouses
4) I surrounded myself with STRONG Christian men to help ensure that I would remain accountable for my decisions and actions.
Infidelity By An Alcoholic
Insanity Associated With Alcoholism
The Coping With Alcoholics Lessons are well worth the investment. You will begin to build a solid foundation quickly.
Hi James, … agree with “admin” and want to add that in Al-Anon we learn that no situation is hopeless … encourage you to check out a few meetings, thanks for sharing, and all the best ….
James, My heart aches for you. I recognize the similar
details of your relationship being somewhat as mine. When
we learn that our relationship is being destroyed by
alcoholism we seem to never recognize how sick their alcohol has made us. It is a disease that sickens all of the caring people around the alcoholic. That the alcohol
is destroying every one because they become the focus of our lives. Having to admit that our marriage is a sham,
living a double life of dealing with the alcohol and telling the more distant friends every thing is wonderful
when the truth is your marriage is in the toilet.
You must find a way to go on with your life. Your hobbies your interests. Your work. What ever you can do to keep
you emotionally in good health.
You do not have to decide today that you are leaving her.
Although reading between the lines I hear you are about to leave for your own mental health. Being Christian myself
I am not sure I am doing the right thing for either of us
by staying. Our 25 years together have had many ups and downs and only getting worse as we get older. I am developing a Christian life outside of marriage but I know
I cannot go on with him the center of everything. The drama is more than I can bear. Things are better for me now that God is the focus.
Good luck James, you will always have the support of this web sight to help you on your journey. We end up with this
experience to let us grow. We learn a lot and our lives
go on.
James, you have my heartfelt sympathy. Your pain is obvious and raw. You do need separation from your wife, and you need help from Al Anon as well, perhaps, as from a therapist to help you deal with your wife’s betrayal. The one thing you have to be honest with yourself about is why you ignored the warning signs about your wife before you married her. We all ignored and denied the bad things we saw or felt about our partners while we were becoming involved with them. Their behaviors weren’t hidden – we just ignored them because we wanted what we wanted. You will find some peace if you come to accept that you cannot and will never be able to change your wife in any way. Like many of us, you simply made a very bad choice. One thing you cannot get away with doing, though, is playing the martyr. Crawl down off the cross. You won’t earn any stars in your heavenly crown by sacrificing yourself for your wife’s sake. The last 3 sentences of your post say it all. Self-pity won’t help you and very few people will pat you on the back to say what a great guy you are to stick with such a poor excuse for a wife. She’s a wife in name only, as her actions have demonstrated to you time and time again. Yes, we all have problems, and they were or are all of our own choosing. I did 5 years in a self-made hell with a drunk, ignoring and pretending away his horrible, hateful, hurtful behavior toward me, and I finally found my backbone again and left him 6 weeks ago. Your wife and my ex- will quit drinking the day they die, and not a minute before, unless they have a major event happen, and even then they’ll go right back to drink as soon as they possibly can. That’s the nature of the addiction. You didn’t cause your wife’s any more than I caused my ex-’s, and neither of us has the power to do anything for them except pray. I feel for you, I sincerely do, but I also know you are the only one who has the power to make your life better. It’s a choice you must make, as we all do here on this site. Just as the drunks in our lives make their CHOICE to drink. I’m also a Christian, but I’m not a saint or a martyr and I can only endure so much before self-preservation takes over. Blessedly, I wasn’t married to the recent drunk in my life, but I was married to one years ago. Something in us is broken, because we choose to allow these people into our lives. We also have the power to choose a different life. The issue is having the strength and courage to do so. My prayers are with you as you work through your problems. God bless.
Married or not I don’t believe God wants me or my children to have the lifestyle of living with an alcoholic. It’s very damaging for, not just myself but my kids as well. My 15 yo daughter is having issues with alcohol. My husband obviously gave her the impression that drinking is Ok for her. Well it’s NOT!!! Sure, lots teenagers get rebellious around this age and do things that their parents don’t want them to do. But to tell your daughter and purchase alcohol for her? No way!!! Thankfully my 17 yo son has stayed clear of alcohol & drugs.
As a reminder, we all here may be at different levels of healing & grieving in our life. I’m a bit of a quiet one around here but I do read all your posts. Most have given me more strenght to follow God and realize that it’s my job as a responsable parent to protect my kids. Not just from physical abuse either. It’s my job to teach & show my kids what IS right and what IS not right in life.
God bless each and everyone of us on our journey through life. <3
@Karen – when you get back from visiting with your mum, please let us know how you’re doing. I pray for you and hope that you’re seeing how lovely life is without an alcoholic continually creating havoc. Safe travels!
Glad to have found this site. Cannot help but notice how many times “go to another room” is advised. I’ve been “dealing” with my alcoholic significant other for 3 years now, and on weekends I stay in “another room”. Since he controls all the money, it’s not like getting out of the house is an option (but wouldn’t that amount to going to “another room” anyway?). When he comes home from work – after several hours at the bar first of course! – I go to “another room” or I’m already there by the time he stumbles from the car to the door. Basically, I live in “another room”. What now?
Hi all, its been a long time since writing. well i am back down south with my so, i know, helping/enabling again. this i am working on. he got evicted from his flat, this being the reason i came down, stayed in a b and b just for one night, his place was uninhabitable, this is a first for me, so am getting stronger
my so was not amused. anyway next morning went housing with him and they thankfully put him in a emergency accommodation awaiting an assessment, otherwise i would have been in a very dangerous situation. he could/would not believe i would not take him back to london and says he will not forget that i would have left him on the street. (he would have put himself there). anyway the housing have assessed my so and say he has made himself intentionally homeless. now have appealed for a review and yet again, thankfully, they have given an extension of 56 days whilst review is taking place. he has remained sober since i arrived, which is good, would not have stayed if he drank, he knows this now. i am returning back home over the next few days, and i pray that all will be well for me and of course for my so. i do want to return home, i miss home. God bless 
Karen, so glad you’re stronger and back home! Sorry, I had to laugh at the “not going to forget” bit. I’m certain that there is much you’ll never forget, either, that he’ll never remember!
Just keep in mind that we can love many people and things that are not good for us and actually do us harm. I hope you had a grand time with your family. He has almost 2 months to work out a plan for himself. You can help by making suggestions, but don’t take action for him. Let him do it for himself. Too many of the drunks (okay, all of them that I’ve ever known) are quite content to let other people (us) do the work and make the effort to get things done. If having a place to live is important to your ABF, it’s got to be up to him to get it done. As they say, he needs some skin in the game or he won’t make any effort to keep what he gets, if he gets it. I’m pulling for you and praying that you stay strong, stay gone and are happy.
Great post — thanks, this is the right advice.