Detaching From An Alcoholic

What are the ways of detaching from someone who drinks too much? Why would we want to detach form an alcoholic? How can I do this in love when I am so angry at them for being this way?

This particular subject unfolds into many various roads. I will shed some light and share suggestions on how to separate our emotions from being enmeshed with a problem drinker. Separating ourselves from the way they affect us takes time. It is a process of learning how to do things differently. We don’t really realize it, but our entire lives get all interconnected with everything they are doing and it really affects our behaviors in damaging negative ways.

Don’t Allow Them to Rent Space in Your Head
You may be thinking, what does he mean by that? Obsessing over an alcoholic is what most of our problem is. This constant looming thoughts that surround them are taking up precious space in our minds. So, with that being said, “don’t allow them to rent space in your head.” Find things to do that will change your focus. Read books, exercise, go to the movies, talk to a friend on the phone. Find things that will help your mind “detach” from thinking about them.

Learn to Take Care of Yourself
In the midst of your extremely busy life. Learn how to take out time for yourself. The alcoholic may not like it that you are doing something to make you happy. That’s OK, do it anyway! When they approach you afterward, just say; “I’m sorry you fell that way” and go into another room. Understand that alcoholics keep us angry and anxious. We must do things for ourselves in the detachment process, regardless of what they think about us. If you are a woman, get your hair and nails done. Taking time out to get a massage works really well for relieving stress.

Detaching From What They Think
Because an alcoholic uses anger to try and control us, we must not get upset when they voice their disapproval of when we take care of ourselves. If you get involved with alcoholism support group meetings, they will try to goof up your plans. They might ask you why are you going to those “stupid” meetings? It’s possible they will try to create an argument with you juts prior to you leaving for a meeting. It doesn’t matter what they say, take care of yourself and make your support group meetings and recovery literature the most important part of your life.

Detaching From The Phone
You have a choice, you can either answer the phone or not. You also have another choice, you can listen to a message they have left you or delete it without listening. YOU DON’T HAVE TO LET THEM UPSET YOU ON THE PHONE. If they are getting out of hand, kindly say; I’m going to hang up now, I’ll talk to you later. Afterward, hang up the phone. If they leave you nasty messages, don’t listen to them. If the start calling you repeatedly, don’t answer the phone. This is how we detach form the negative influences that an alcoholic has on our lives.

How to Stop Arguing With an Alcoholic
Detaching from the old behaviors of arguing with them takes a while. You will have to learn how to keep your mouth shut and tell them that you love them and then say; “I don’t care to discuss this right now.” Learning how to not fight with an alcoholic takes time. This is why it’s important to get involved in support group meetings for friends and family of alcoholics.

Detaching from the way we have been doing things is a huge subject. We must learn how to separate ourselves from feelings of guilt and shame. We learn how to avoid getting into arguments. We stop getting into the car and driving around to try and find them. We quit snooping around in their stuff trying to find their stash. We stop obsessing over the alcoholics behaviors. We learn how to just get in bed and go to sleep when they aren’t home late at night. We detach from confronting the lies. There are so many things effecting your life right now that it’s going to take a while to learn how to do things differently. Little by little, “one day at a time” things will get better as you learn more about how to detach from an alcoholic.

When dealing with an alcoholic learning detachment techniques is vitally important. As we grow in knowledge about alcoholism and how to handle dysfunctional situations better, we start understanding that enabling and detaching are very closely related.

As you continue reading you will learn various methods of separating yourself in a loving way from the destructive behaviors of someone else in your life. These lessons can be applied to many different types of relationships.

The more co-dependent we are and enmeshed with someone, the harder it is to distinguish where we begin and they end. When they are happy-we too are happy. When they are angry our emotions are affected in a negative ways as well. We can learn how to not flow with the mood swings of an alcoholic.

Suggestions for Learning How to Detach from an Alcoholic:

• Get involved in Al-anon support group meetings
• Read literature on the subject
• Start developing friendships with people from your meetings
• Take notes during meetings
• Start keeping a journal

Methods of Detaching:

• Kindly say goodbye and hang up the phone
• Refuse to listen to phone messages
• Quit investigating what they are doing
• Read books or go visit with friends
• Shut your mouth when you are angry at them and go into another room
• Don’t look at them trying to figure out if they’ve been drinking
• Get your own life by doing things you enjoy doing without them
• Don’t allow them to rent space in your head, stop thinking about them all the time
• Arguing with an alcoholic accomplishes nothing, refuse to partake in the chaos
• Let go of them completely and stop trying to control their behaviors
• Go for walks
• Talk on the phone to friends or relatives
• Take up hobbies again

When we start detaching-we stop enabling. This type of situation will allow the alcoholic to suffer the consequences of their actions and help them reach their bottom. In separating ourselves from all of their drama we in-turn experience more peace and serenity in our lives. Loving the alcoholic by letting go is the key to detachment.

Separating ourselves as an individual in a co-dependent relationship takes time. As we continue attending alcoholism support group meetings and set goals to better our personal lives, it becomes easier to lovingly remove ourselves from the alcoholic’s behavior. Being kind to an alcoholic will become easier as we learn how to love them differently.

We begin to recognize when associating with them is not a good thing and learn how to avoid the sting of alcoholism. This works very much like hanging out around a bee hive. As long as you don’t stick your nose in the hive and keep a safe distance you won’t get hurt.

The hard part of detachment from an alcoholic is breaking habitual patterns that we have been doing for a long time. This just takes time. I’ve heard it said that if you walk a hundred miles in the woods don’t expect to walk out in an hour. The same applies to being obsessed with an alcoholic. It takes time and effort to break free from our destructive behavior patterns.

As we begin to detach more from all of their drama, we quit enabling them to depend upon us. It’s hard to do at first because we are so used to rescuing them from everything. When we quit rescuing them and let them suffer the consequences of their actions, we are less affected by their behaviors.

Detaching from an alcoholic means that we let go of them. It doesn’t mean that we quit loving or caring about them. We just learn how to mind our own business and start living our own lives as they continue to drink. Even though we may still get frustrated with an alcoholic, we will react differently so that we will remain more calm.

Consider making a list of things that you enjoy doing and doing them. This can help tremendously in the process of changing our focus.

The alcoholic may not like our changes in behavior, OH WELL! We have to be strong as we start doing things differently. This is why we need the “support” of support group meetings and members. They are set in place to make us stronger as we grow in doing things differently.

Detachment means that we don’t make decisions based upon the alcoholic’s opinions, moods, or advice in relation to our life. We eventually begin to be hardly affected by their destructive behaviors, views and attitudes toward us.

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