Last night I worked alongside the friend I’d mentioned earlier, on her 4th step, watching her detail her hurts and resentments, all about him, and no where did she check the box that these things affected her “pride”. It was all about emotion and abandonment, a little about financial security, but no pride whatsoever. Observing this fragility, so afraid of loosing her husband, all I could do was encourage her to keep facing her fears, keep writing them down.. “Keep going,” I’d say. “You’re doing great!”

You can’t blame another person for picking up your own bottle, ever. But this precious person has been so dumbed-down and put down over the last 30 years that it makes us sober (non-drinkers) know in our hearts that wine was used to cope with emotions that became unbearable at home, and when this was pointed out to her nearly a year ago, something enormous clicked for her, she put the bottle down, and for the most part, has had no desire to drink. It was an amazing turn-around, in that she didn’t want to feed into HIS sickness anymore, by drinking. Now that she’s sober, if she could see with the same kind of clarity that staying with him with no new boundaries drawn, feeds into his sickness in the same way that alcohol did, well… I don’t need to say that again either. Much like Stockholm Syndrome, abused people either find a way out or find a reason to stay.

Thank you both for your input. This was an awesome AA and Al-A-Non combo meeting, and it’s timing was perfect. I needed it, so thank you. We clearly know our boundaries as supporters, and the best we can do is to love them unconditionally and pray for their Higher Power to become Personal to them, faithfully leading the Way.

One of the concepts that is taught in Al-anon is that we cannot control their drinking or cure them. I’ve found this to be a true statement. We can learn how to set healthy boundaries though. I love the concept of setting a boundary and then reinforcing the boundary if necessary. Learning how to have tough love is a must in these difficult situations. Learning how to handle an out of control alcoholic takes time.

As for a recovering alcoholic living in a home with a practicing alcoholic, it’s insanity. The best thing the sober one can do is saturate themselves in their recovery program and establish friendships with like-minded sober individuals. That’s one of the major keys to an alcoholic staying sober. It’s when they don’t stay within the safety of the heard that the wolves prey on them.

He did stop putting alcohol in the house, and finally began speaking to her just before her first 90 days, but then began inviting her to all his social drinking places & parties, still very much unprotected from that whole scene. She actually goes with him and survives it while he’s shooting tequila and waving the beer around, and of course, this adds new hurts and resentments toward him for the double-life he leads. He’s a bigger-than-life “al-a-non district rep,” duping sincere al-a-noners, perverting the purity of the program, and preaching al-a-non quotes at home, as if he’s truly one of them. I believe he’s so terrified of his own alcoholism that he’s created a smoke-screen to counteract his fears, and this altered reality he lives by keeps her the alcoholic and himself, invincible. Very sad all the way around, for both of them, as their combination could make for a great double-winner partnership if they could both face their biggest fears.

She allows her resentments to grow by doing nothing, saying nothing, because she “loves” him and wants the marriage to work… (what marriage?) She forks over half her paycheck directly to him to earn her keep, isn’t allowed on his bank account or to have any access to “his” money, but she obeys this BS on his terms and avoids counseling… so she couldn’t leave him if she wanted because this keeps her continually broke (and sickly under his spell). It’s no longer “him” that should be the focus… it’s herself now. The cage has several doors but she won’t open any of them, frozen in fear that shouldn’t be this scary.

She’s agreed to go to Al-a-non in her own setting, not his, so this is a crucial step. She needs both sides of this program to understand the depths of her predicament, and that the ball has been in her court for quite awhile. Hopefully, support from this end will shed some light on her and provide more reason to believe in herself.

If you want to add more comments, they are surely welcome. I loved your comments, both of you. Prayers for God’s courage and strength for her are always welcome, as well as for her husband. Thank you both

After emptying a few of these so called “hidden bottles” its going to get expensive for him and he’ll stop. Plus he’ll realise his attempts at sabotage are futile. It might even help to have a friend or family member around as a witness as she empties the bottles to shame him on his behaviour. The friend needs to quietly observe but say nothing. It should do the trick plus keep peace in the household.

It’s a real low act on the husband’s part.

he recently sent a “program-perfect email” out to all family members and their grown children, explaining that he “loves her but hates her disease” and would be seeking a divorce because refused his 1-hour ultimatum to go to rehab. (she’s doing 3 AA meetings a day instead). after laying the groundwork for support in his eloquent email, his wife shocked us all and dove head-first into AA, loves the program, and has been sober for 20 days.

her “getting well” has thrown a wrench in his spokes because he wants a divorce over her alcoholism. so mysteriously, more liquor appeared in his usual hiding place, and if you begin to suspect this (based on other trip-wires he sets up around her), and you happen to give in to the temptation to check his hiding place, she’d be sure to be dubbed a co-dependant for minding “his business”… yet it’s life or death for her. it’s as if he wants her to fail so he can go through with the divorce.

they still live in the same house, and he barely speaks to her now that she’s sober. is it possible he needs her to be “sick” to accomplish his freedom and look good?