What I’m suggesting may seem hard to grasp, but being kind to the person who is the alcoholic in your life is very important. Why would I say that? There are several reasons, but the main one is that it benefits your emotional well-being tremendously. If you follow my advice, you will fell better about yourself.
I am in no way suggesting that by being kind to the alcoholic in your life that this will help to make them quit drinking.I don’t think there is a way to force an alcoholic to quit drinking.
These suggestions have everything to do with you feeling better in the midst of an extremely difficult situation and nothing to do with the problem drinker quitting.
The way this works is that when we are kind to the person who is drinking alcohol, there’s less opportunity for us to experience feelings of guilt and shame. I like to call it keeping my side of the street clean. The dirty things that get on the avenues of our life have no right to be there when we are acting kindly toward the alcoholics in our lives. The less negative behavior we display the cleaner we feel inside and the happier we become.
Here are a few ways to be kind to an alcoholic:
Always say good-bye when hanging up the phone, no matter how angry you may feel about what they are doing.
If you are relationally close to the problem drinker, then it’s appropriate to reassure them of your love. Even in the midst of difficult situations and poor behavior on their part, tell them that you love them. Learn to love the person, but hate the disease of alcoholism.
Make sure you tell them good night regardless of how angry they may be about something.
If you have a slip and call them a bad name or throw a temper tantrum, tell them that you are sorry that you did that. They may throw it in your face, but do not respond. Just keep your life clear of the clutter of shame by telling them that you made a mistake. You have no control over how they will react to your amened. You only have control over your own behavior.
Do not interrogate them. They will only lie about what they’ve been doing or where they have been. Alcoholics lie a lot. Just accept that fact. You will have more peace and serenity in your life and you will be much kinder to them by doing this.
Keep your expectations low when directed towards the alcoholic in your life. The lessor the expectations the less resentment toward them you will have. They cannot disappoint you if you do not set a demand upon their life, this will help you to have less negative emotions directed toward them.
Stop trying to control the alcoholic’s behaviors and just let them live their lives the way they desire to. You cannot stop them from drinking. You have not succeeded up until now and if you continue with the same behaviors you won’t succeed in the future either.
These are some good keys to being nice to the alcoholic in your life. Remember, the more poorly you treat them the worse you will feel. That’s just the way this thing works. Be nice to them and you will feel better for doing so.
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As my brother would say before he passed….”easy for yo to say.” Your column is most helpful. I am care take for 3 grandchildren at 77 and their parents have addicted behavior to alcohol and drugs and are constantly berating me.
Just wanted to say that I tried two of your suggestions and I do actually feel better about myself. Thanks for the great tips and blog!
I will work on being more kind to my brother whom I love. I have been very frusterated at his insanity (Alcoholism)The alcohol is his lover, best friend and replacement for any relationship (wife, children, family and friends) or any normalcy in his life. I can’t change him and this is his choice and I will be better about sitting on the side lines while he slowly kills himself in his selfishness of alcoholism. He has 4th stage cirosis….yup…one drink at a time one bottle of Voda a day for years. I’m going to go now to call the funeral home and start making funeral arrangements because there is nothing that I can do to make him stop, I will love him to death…literally! It is just a matter of time and this will all be over.
Jane, thanks for sharing about your delicate situation. My step dad and two of my friends passed away from cirrhosis of the liver. All I can say is that I am glad I quit drinking thirteen years ago.
Life’s too short to hold onto bitterness and unforgiveness. It’s wonderful that you understand that he suffers from something that you could not have cured. When we have such an understanding, it’s easier to be compassionate and kind.
I’m praying for your situation that your family will be comforted during these difficult moments.
JC
I don’t see any other way to be happy and sane except to leave him. I’ve read a lot on this site, and on many others. I don’t want to be in a relationship in which my partner’s brain is fried, where he has no respect for me and my needs. I am learning not to be a doormat, learning to love myself, and frankly if he wants to drink himself to death, it’s his business. My only choice is to stay or go. To stay is misery. So that leaves me one option. Go.
We are not married, our rental lease is about to expire, we have no children. I have tried so hard and feel so rotten, and have become legally disabled myself from all the stress of dealing with others with these kinds of problems.
I’m not in a good place towards God these days either. What kind of malicious God would let people hurt themselves and others in these horribly insidious ways, of drinking and substance abuse. Life sucks and then you die. It’s pretty much true.
I will leave him, and spend the rest of my life living in a defensive state, not one of joy. People are idiots, myself included. I can barely manage my own self, much less an alcoholic boyfriend. I’m tired of trying.
Good luck to all of you who try to stay and bend yourselves around self-centered addicts who don’t have the capacity to love you back. I’m done with it.
OUR alcoholic spouses are usually very sensitive people. Things bother them and they will not talk about it. The truth of
the matter is they drink to cover up those things that trigger an emotional response, With the alcohol controlling their emotions they never learn to deal with their feeling. The hurt, guilt,and suffering they feel is buried in the bottom of a glass, bottle or beer.
Then the
body requires the alcohol to function and then dies due to the physical bodys deterioration. (cirrosis, bone disease, cancer in the mouth and destroyed brains.etc.) i AM NOT
making excuses for them, but learning to be aware of how
simply this disease gets started and ends. Destroying
lives, families, in-laws and out laws and themselves. There is no magic answer for each alcoholic is different
and so are we. Good luck with what ever you feel you must do and may God bless your journey.
Karen you hit the nail on the head! This blog is helping me getting started with trying to be nice to my wife and to not get angry when she drinks. My wife was sober for six months and met another alcoholic in AA, we separated for a year. My wife is drinking again and we are back together. We have a six year old son to think about. I have hit my bottom and am considering an intervention session.