Feeling Rejected by an Alcoholic?


Rejection is an all too common emotion or feeling we experience in dysfunctional relationships. Being rejected by a person who is an alcoholic can be devastating. We feel frustrated and lonely because the person we love and want to spend time with is treating us like garbage. Some of what we are feeling is associated with having a codependent relationship.

What I mean is that we can become so enmeshed with a loved one that when they are up and feeling good we are too. The opposite is true as well, when they are depressed and frustrated so are we. When our self-worth is measured in our minds by the way someone treats us, we are in a position to be on a roller-coaster ride of emotions. One ill spoken word can send us into a downward spiral. It’s bad enough being in a relationship with a so called “normal” person, let alone an alcoholic.

Woman Feeling AbandonedWe need to break this enmeshment and find our self-worth by loving ourselves for who we are rather than craving acceptance and love from an alcoholic who cannot fulfill our need to be loved.

Alcoholics really have a tendency to put the alcohol first in their lives and people second. Some people in AA refer to this as romancing the bottle. They also say that they had a love relationship with their booze of choice. Even though we may not get the love we desire from them, we can learn how to love an alcoholic with out conditions.

The answer for you can be found within changing your life a little bit at a time, over a long period of time. In the AA program and in the Al-anon program, it’s suggested that we learn how to live life one day at a time. It is in this process where we begin to make changes in our lives.

Here are a few suggested ways of lessening the pain of being rejected by an alcoholic. If you consistently practice using these tools, your feelings of anger will be reduced and you will begin to not be so devastated when they treat you poorly.

How to Avoid Feeling Rejected by an Alcoholic

lonely man1)When they say horrible things about your character, ask yourself a simple question. “Is what they just said true?” If it’s not, throw it in the toilet and flush that comment down the drain forever. One thing we never do is feel guilty because of how an alcoholic is treating us. There are some good tips her: Feeling Guilty Because Of An Alcoholic.

2) Understand that alcoholics have two weapons, anger and anxiety. They do things to get you angry so they can point the finger at you and say; “you are a horrible person because of the way you are acting.” Begin to recognize when they are attempting to do this and refuse to respond in negative ways. Zip your lip and tell them; I’m sorry you feel that way.” Here, read this about Overcoming Anxiety When Living With an Alcoholic.

3) Start journaling-This is an amazing way to begin to cope with feelings of rejection that are associated with dealing with an alcoholic who is constantly treating you poorly. As you write about the daily events, you will begin to see patterns of when you are feeling great and all of the sudden the alcoholic in your life did something to steal your good mood. As you start noticing these times, be prepared to respond in positive ways. Here. read this. “How to not Respond to an Alcoholic.”

These things I’ve mentioned are just the beginning of ways that you can stop the feelings of rejection from effecting you anymore. Here’s a great suggestion, find an Al-anon meeting close to you and start attending. Go to at least six meetings and you will for sure start to see how the program can benefit your relationship with the alcoholic.

There are millions of people all over the world who have gone to support group meetings to help them deal with the frustration, anger and feelings of rejection associated with having a relationship with an alcoholic.

There’s hope for your situation, but you are the one who has to change. I say this because you have no control of the alcoholic or how they treat you, but you do have control over how you will let those things effect your feelings and life.





This is a good video for working around rejection in life. I like what he says in there about not taking rejection personally. This is how we have to approach being rejected by an addict, don’t let them get to you personally. Let it drip off like water from a ducks back.


27 comments to Feeling Rejected by an Alcoholic?

  • Linda

    Are alcoholics stuck in teen years? Where did they began drinking?

  • mace

    Yes, Linda. At age 50, my A is so immature, running from job to job, from bill collector to bill collector and it’s always somebody else’s fault..ALWAYS! Immature people don’t take responsibilities for their actions.

  • Ross

    Linda, I have been told by professionals and read in books many times, that they are the age mentally of what they were when they began drinking….

    JC, you r very much appreciated! This topic has been something that I feel God has been revealing some things to me lately.
    Thank you for all the efforts you/others put forth to provide this site for all of us!!
    Ross

  • Ross

    oh yeah, im adding one more thing I just thought of after posting….

    The rejection that i felt from my husband , resounded with my own insecurities that Id picked up as a child and it had apparently had some roots that stretched into my adulthood.I try to catch myself and replace those insecurities and replace them with this..(it came to me one day..you can take it or leave it :))…..
    Here’s what I asked/ask myself…….

    “Do you think when God made you, that He meant for you to see yourself as less than and be defeated?”
    “Do you think this is what He intended for you when He made you?”
    “How do you think He saw you, when He as a Father w/ His child,and felt as He looked upon you?”
    “Why not let all that go, and believe and that He had good things in mind when He put me here?”

    I on occassion would say to my husband, when i’d have a moment of clarity…”I dont think God put me here for THIS .Dont treat me like that.

  • I am coming to the end of an 18 year marriage and the rejection and pain has been overwhelming. I know in my head that the liquor is his new wife but I continue to ask myself why. Our marriage was great in the beginning but about 12 years the marriage it started spiraling out of control. The market crashed and like so many financial times were bad and he didn’t have work for three years. His sister who has admittedly wanted me out of the family for years started telling lies that were out of this world and he was believing them, or punishing me like he did. My family doesn’t live close but knew what she was up to as we had some family vacations together and they seen how she stirs the pot and watches and people are pitted against one another. Then his father passed away from cancer and they were best friends and we did everything together, they even went on our honeymoon. But the sister put a wedge on that relationship and I was unable let him know the truth before he died, hoping he knows now is the only thing I hold on to. I had two major surgeries last year and all the while his drinking escalates. His Mom provides excuse after excuse and will not see the problem in front of her or even listen to what he does or is doing to himself and me. His pattern is picking fights and then I would leave and wouldn’t be out the door 2 min and he was out partying with his nephew and son, at time not coming home all night. His nephews girl friend started calling their little side kick. After both surgeries I went home to my moms to have her help me get back on my feet and always wondering what was going on at home so I put a surveillance camera in the home and didn’t tell him. I told myself it was to see how much he was drinking but what I saw changed my life forever. He picked a fight and I left to my moms over 3 hours away. Friday night I didn’t log onto the camera but decided on Saturday I would check it out because he had to be home to show the house. He was there alright but brought another woman home with him. See he hadn’t come home on Friday night either I found out later. She went through my house, my things, used my toothbrush, he offered her a shower and she offered him to look at our books. See he had told everyone that I had miss appropriated funds to justify his actions. Then the nephew, girlfriend, son, friends all ranging their 20’s are at the house partying now. I hear them talking about watching out for me, her groping him and so I called. Told him I could hear them and wanted everyone out of my house. He told her her worst nightmare had come true. Nor viewing the entire video I had come in in the middle and hadn’t seen it when they were their alone, I call my sister and have her come with me to confront him. We get here at 3 in the morning and coats and phones left everywhere, door open, music blaring but no one around. I figured I knew where they were so jumped in the car and headed to the nephews. Door was unlocked so went on in… His son sat up on the couch and I told him I was there for his father and headed straight for the bedrooms. First door I opened there he was with the other woman. Looked like the both were naked and really didn’t matter the heart was broke. Took pics and left. I can’t move forward because I need answers on some questions that he conveniently blacked out and does not remember, but someone does there was enough people there, but he still wont provide me with them.

    He filed for divorce and since we have been back and forth trying to work on the relationship but he still doesn’t think he has a problem. I am currently no working outside the home but doing the books for our business, keeping up two homes that are both on the market but only getting paid for a few hours for doing the books. My bills and expenses are not covered and my credit card it climbing. He will come down to this house not buy food or anything and leave and wonder why I can’t make my car payment and tears me down because he has to. We made boundaries and he broke them by drinking hard liquor and hides it. When I call him on it he lies and starts tearing me down. He finally said he was really going to try this time and that he hadn’t been earlier and so we talk and make a date night and for the first couple of weeks they were great. Then on date night I was going to have to ask for help because I can’t keep up and pay bills I need to get a paying job. Well that night I had put on something I thought he would like and when I came back in he was asleep so I laid next to him and rubbed his sore hip until I was woke up by him screaming at me that he was going to sign the agreement for the divorce and to pack my shit and get out of his trailer and that I needed to keep my mouth shut and my legs open. I drove home with no call from him to see that I made it or anything. Figured out later that it was because he wanted to go out with his son and party the next night. All of which is unacceptable. Then he comes home a couple days later and yelling that all the lights are on like a f Christmas tree and I need to get a job he wasn’t paying the light bill screaming at the top of his lungs outside, then left and didn’t see him for a couple of days. Then comes here so I can do payroll, flops on that couch and wonders if I have something to eat. Really? He left again and I haven’t seen him for almost a week. I can’t stop asking myself why. Why doesn’t he want to spend time with me? Why does he put everyone else first? Why can’t he see what he is doing to me> I would never treat him this way? I am here with no family, he has chased off our friends, his family of course thinks its all me and really wants him to leave me and all can do is sit her and cry asking why. No matter how hard I try its never enough and I’m exhausted and emotionally drained. At times I wish the hurting would stop and I would do anything to stop it. I just want to feel important and loved again. We were best friends and did so much together that I just can’t let go. I asked him at one point before the affair to walk away if he didn’t love me because I wasn’t strong enough. I cant show my face in town, living 20 miles out of town the silence is driving me mad as he is living at the other property. He threatens to sign the papers and now I finally told him to do it, and now wondering how I am going to start my life over at 50. My mind knows what I need to do but I can’t get my shit together and do it. I keep waiting for the phone to ring, for a pat on the back, a how are you doing? something from the man I gave everything to and the worst part is he doesn’t care or he would ask, but he don’t…. The ultimate rejection I would have never thought I would be here because I had a strong character, tell you like it is, self sufficient, didn’t ask for help type of gal and now Im a blubbering idiot without a job or life.
    Taking one day at a time but need to move on I know,it just doing it is the hard part. Help!! He is on his way so I have to get the house clean, oh yea he has OCD tendencies as well.

  • Debbi

    Linda:
    You hang in there girlfriend. First of all, you’re not old. I’m older & I did it, added another job, saved the house from foreclosure and now it’s mine! There are a lot of women here older than both of us and they’ve done it–you can too.

    Your life is twin to mine. Mine had a nephew who would come to visit with sister-in-law (oh yeah there’s always a sister & mother that stick up for poor poor little guy and rub out noses in it). This nephew should be dead–2 times on the interstate at over 80 mph Going The Wrong Way! Mom & sister stuck up for them. Mine put the camera on me–told everyone I was cheating. . .guess who was? To walk in on a scene with your husband with another woman must have felt like a stab in the heart–how did you get the sense to take a picture–I probably would have fallen to the floor.

    I too look for those same answers. Here’s the thing–they won’t come from him–they will come from others. You’ll hear later after it’s over that he’s full of remorse. But be careful–since my divorce the mind games he’s still trying to pull are awful.

    Linda–180 him fast! Turn around, don’t go near him. Too many things done to you are non-negotiable. Get support from every where fast! I know about loss of friends & facing 2 surgeries without the person who you think is supposed to have your back. Stop all contact, get support, work on a job. Select one property that you think you can handle, get in there and maintain it–let the other foreclose or make him pay the bills, stop working for him. I am one year ahead of you & willing to listen at any time. Email JC and tell him I said okay for him to give my email address to you. You need someone who will listen & I’m hear if you need it. This is tough but you have to and you can survive this! YOU did not cause this, YOU did nothing for him to make the decision to let alcohol lead his life or be unfaithful. This is all his doing but now you have been handed this situation, you can step up to the plate. Sorry to be so long but my heart turned over when I read your story. In one year you will feel immensely better I promise you.

  • Debbi

    Laurie I am so sorry–I meant my previous post to you & for some reason had the name Linda on my mind–please forgive. Hang in there Laurie.

  • It’s okay and wanted to take a minute to thank you for your words of encouragement and kindness. I can’t tell you how long it’s been to have someone say your okay, it made me cry but for a good reason for a change. I am moving forward with the divorce he is acting like he is the one pushing for it and maybe he is and I was dragging my feet but I replied to the attorney last night and let him know to proceed with the agreement and as soon he signs we will be divorced within a week. WOW. Here there is only a 90 day waiting period and his weekend with this woman was back in March. I thought I would always know what I would say but that wasn’t the case at all and turned out I knew her which made it worse because she knew he was married. They swear nothing happened there was just no place else to sleep. She actually said “Where should I have slept on the floor?” I think that was the most ridiculous question I had ever heard but what can you expect from trailer trash. I am or they are, very fortunate that I took my sister with me because she actually took a bat out of my hand before we went to find them or I am not sure what would have happened. She is also the one that thought of the pictures. I was leaving at one point and she stopped me and asked about it. I ran out to the car and got my phone came back in and the idiots were still in bed. Threw the door open again and said smile for the camera!!! We then came home, packed his stuff in his truck that was here printed some copies of the picture and plastered them on his truck. She put on of my pictures over her face and wrote on it “Boy don’t you wish it was all a bad dream and you really woke up next to your wife this morning.” I wish she was closure, I could use her sense of humor. Once I can get one of the houses sold I can move home but stuck here for now until then. Thanks again Debbi

  • […] Feeling Rejected By An Alcoholic Excerpt: “Alcoholics really have a tendency to put the alcohol first in their lives and people second. Some people in AA refer to this as romancing the bottle. They also say that they had a love relationship with their booze of choice. Even though we may not get the love we desire from them, we can learn how to love an alcoholic with out conditions. […]

  • Paula g

    I think, we need to keep in perspective that we can love a person from afar. Without subjecting ourselves to the deterioration of civil lives and without putting our hearts through things they should never go through, we can still love an individual. This to me is why understanding that alcoholism is a disease is so important. If, say your husband had tourettes syndrome, we would try to ignore rude outbursts and not take them personally. In this case we could detach ourselves from the things being uttered much more easily. We need to be almost clinical in our dealing with our alcoholics, like we are with our children. These are the rules and when they are broken these are the consequences, no exceptions. Something my alcoholic says is he had undisciplined disciplined while growing up, and I believe this is very common among alcoholics and addicts. Being very cut and dry about outlining your boundaries is where you can find your sanity, and not feel guilt. It is the key to finding the ability to remain detached. Again, it also makes it very clear what you will take before you have to leave. You can tell your alcoholic that you love them but because of certain behaviors you have to leave it is what is fair for you. period. This system has been working very well for me. That is not to say everything is easy, it will never be easy, but at least I feel like I have my fair say in what I will accept. It is coming to an understanding of sorts. I hope this system can work for others as well.

  • Diane

    Thank you for the article about rejection. My daughter is an addict, but it is really the same thing.
    She has been criticising my parenting skills with her younger sister and of course, herself when she was a teen. I am having pretty serious problems with my teen and of course feel like a failure. My husband
    Is very supportive and considers it “our” responsibility–not just mine. Unless you live in our home and witness the issues our child has, you cannot possibly criticise our methods. And we have a therapist involved as well.

    Intellectually I know that my addicted daughter is just trying to take the focus off herself, but she is
    Sometimes insinuating that I need to rescue her. How can I do that if she refuses rehab?
    She has been on opiates for three years now….

    Kind regards,
    Diane

  • Paula g

    Hi Diane,
    I’m sorry to hear about your daughter. I can’t imagine how it must be for you. It is really hard to communicate with a child once they have decided that we are the bad guy. I hope you didn’t think that I was making a blanket statement about parenting, just that I think what my alcoholic experienced is fairly common, that’s all. Maybe your daughter is aware of the problem she is having and can’t stop, but doesn’t know how to ask for help. Pride can be very damaging, I know my own was, in a different way, but it was still pride. It can even blur our judgment about whether we need help or not. God bless

  • Deb

    Dear Diane,
    When I was a teenager my sister had a friend who was on drugs. Her parents sent her repeatedly to drug treatment centers, the kind you ‘stay in residence.’ It worked. It took 4 times of ‘internment.’ maybe you can try this, though it may cost money

    She is a well adjusted adult now. I think its very important to ‘get her to cease doing these drugs’ now while she is a teenager. If she continues this into adulthood, likely she will do it her entire life.

    Please perhaps consider 90 day stay in rehab centers

    Thanks

  • Rose

    How amazing, heartbreaking yet reassuring to see my own story repeated on these pages (it’s like you guys have seen inside my living room!). Up until a few months ago I was talking and talking for hours to anyone who would listen about everything the alcoholic did to me, said to me…the list was long and I was so trapped in the horror of it all. 75% of the time though each professional would nod throughout “yes terrible, sad, so awful, very common. But what are you going to do?” I would pause, look horrified, and never understand. Then the tears would come, I walked out indignant, confused, back to Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. My adorable and adoring husband one minute, the critic from hell the next, I get all confused, furious, worried, guilty, concerned about his health.

    Now, two months out I get it. Actually get it. It *is* about me. He’s a dog barking: cat walks past window, dog barks. He goes up down up down with the alcohol, barking then snuggling then making us all laugh and be so very kind, then barking at me again. But all on his schedule, never anyone else’s. Like a little child, totally self-centred. I thought I can love a tantrum-throwing 2 year old, I’m a grandmother. So I started. The first few speeches were terrible, I cried, he yelled, then sneered, I caved in. But then I remembered as a teenager sitting by my brother’s bed in a psych hospital and the nurses. Being screamed at, things thrown at them, and smiling, nodding, continuing on. Being professional, kind, never reacting. So that is how I became, and it works a dream. He promises, cries, pleads, yells, accuses, I smile, nod, keep going. Sit with him, enjoy his company. The criticism returns, up I get immediately and continue on with my day. Works a treat! I have my life and sanity back. For some reason I was trapped in the house, with him. Now I go out, and away, a lot. I’m happier, not such a wining mess myself, for his alcoholism drove me crazy. And for the wife who think’s she’s too old, I’m 62. Two decades of life to enjoy!

  • Laurie

    Hello everyone I can’t believe at times that the pain of seeing my A in bed with another woman would ever go away. To be honest it affects me still today but the pain of that is subsiding. Not sure it’s normal or different experiences have replaced it. For the last two years I remained in limbo existing as my A whipping post. See him and his whore were doing drugs that weekend with my step son, her son and their friends and nephew. I had the audio cleaned on the tape and hear them doing lines out of view of the camera. Since that time my step son go into heroin and was going into treatment on a monday. His dad and I fought that weekend and I again had enough and went to the westside and actually had a date on Saturday night. We had been legally separated for about a year and he was headed to a wedding where their was no cell service and he chose to argue before we left so that he could part y it up without me and not listen to me bitching about it. The date didn’t feel right and asked to take me to my folks when I was awoke at 4 am with the feeling something was wrong and I had to go home. My mom was upset because Sunday was fathers day and I should be there for dad. But I couldn’t ignore what was tugging at me and went over the pass and stopped at the wedding and my A was passed out in the trailer but was fine, no one else there either and something told me to keep heading home. When I reached the top of the hill and got cell service the phone rang. It was my step daughter screaming for her dad saying its probably to late, she cant find him, then we were disconnected. I immediately turned around and headed for her dad again not knowing exactly what had happened but it was not good. When I finally got a hold of him he said “this better not be just a ploy to get me out of here. Shocked he would think he was even worth the effort but knew I just needed to get him coming this way. Then I got the call…from an aunt that said our son had been shot and he didn’t make it and we needed to get to the cabin. I called my A didn’t tell him the situation but met him to drop the trailer and drive him to or son. The police had the gate to the road closed and would not let us through. On scene was his x wife, daughter and son in-law, aunt and cousins. He had shot himself on fathers day so the report says, but we feel the kids stories that were with him that night were questionable but the police treated as a suicide. All of my anger for my A and hurt he caused didn’t seem so important anymore. My step son was headed for treatment that Monday he was struggling with alcohol and now heroin but we were at the funeral home instead. Forgot to tell you his girlfriend at the time was pregnant. I sucked it up took control and got us through the toughest part of our lives. So I didn’t crumble I planned the service, worked with the funeral home to get dna samples to test paternity for the expected baby before he was creamated. did the flowers, and spoke at the service. Son died in June and his daughter was to be married in August. The xwife could not function and my A wasn’t doing so well either and so again I jumped in and decorated, arranged all flowers and bouquets, and didn’t get to enjoy any of the wedding or even get in any of the pictures. I know my efforts were appreciated but somehow once it was over the family had forgot everything I had been through and done for my A and started their attacks again. I am not sure how people can be so evil but his sister takes the top of the list. She wanted me out and she got it. Our divorce was final the 3rd of August 2015. I had fought so hard to save my marriage and now it was gone. I felt my life was over and thinking about being divorced to this day makes me cry and I would do anything to have it all be a bad dream. But out of the smoke and disbelief came calmness, confidence and nothing else to loose. After the divorce I went to Arizona to a retreat while my husband defied the agreement and took things that were mine and trashed my clothes leaving them on the floor. We thankfully sold he house but he took his stuff and mine and left me with the clean up. I arranged a uhaul and again my sister to the rescue help em move into a shit hole apartment in a rough part of town and it was a hard adjustment but I didn’t want to move home yet feeling like I was a failure. He played me for a while but then every time he hurt me I cared less and less and it got to where I could take him or leave him and that’s when things started to change. No more hard liquor. He would go to his moms every friday night but it became a laurie bash session. I told him I would never make him choose but I am not going to be treated the way they do I didn’t have to put up with it we weren’t married. We recently started living together and this last weekend when his mom called to see where he was friday he said if I wasn’t welcome he wasn’t coming. She hung up on him and i immediately worried he was going to drink but pleasantly surprised he didn’t and we had a great weekend. I am starting to get my self confidence back because he is supporting me has my back. We bought a house in AZ to flip or retire together and I can sleep without seeing the bit…. laying beside him. Everything is great I just cant let go of my questions and no one will answer them. She left town but visits and if I ever see her she better cross the street and run like hell because the anger for her I still have has been held in for so long I am not sure what may happen. At the minimum she will get a good ass whopping but mostly I want to ask her how she sleeps at night. I went to her for answers at one point and she said I knew all I needed to know and that they were just partying with the sons and friends nothing happened there was just no place left to sleep after partying for two days. She ruined a marriage and just curious after losing our son if she still thinks its okay to do drugs and party with our kids. She has taken so much that wasn’t hers I just want to give her something I owe her. Some hurt
    Then I was thinking I want answers and have a video showing and hearing her doing drugs and messing around with a married man. Do I use this to get my answers I so desperately want. I know they screwed around no question but its the intimate details that I heard parts of that I need to know. Is piece of mind worth it? Maybe it will be worse than I have imagined in my mind? What if it backfires? I keep listening to the audio to see what if anything I missed and its taking over.

  • Rose

    Laurie, I am confused…why do you blame this other woman? Your husband had a commitment to you, he was the one who violated it. What promise to you had she broken? I am sorry that you are suffering, but I would worry that your husband is not just using you. Has he promised not to cheat on you again, or are you just screaming at other women to stay away? Men, especially the addicted ones, absolutely love that, desperate women fighting over them. So be careful. Don’t let fear make you hang on to the wrong person.

  • Laurie

    She was a family friend that knew the circumstances and when asked for answers because he supposedly didn’t remember she said once she got an apology. Well I couldn’t do that and so I had someone else put send her some fake lie and then she came back with I know everything I need to like she is the holder to my sanity. This is where the hatred and anger is coming from. Her partying with our son and now he is gone, I know he doesn’t sleep because of the guilt and I just wonder how she sleeps at night. I want her to suffer like she put me through. Trust me when I say he has suffered as well I have learned that it takes two and he has heard and felt my hurt from his betrayal. Is it wrong for her to feel it as well.

  • Too much drama, work on yourself only.

  • Laurie

    I appreciate your comment and note that from where I began I have come along way through, what you call drama, living and loving an alcoholic. I am finally coming back from the pain of the betrayal and rejection they both inflicted bit she has recently attempted to contact him again even though he asked she didn’t. Can not control her actions but I can let her know the consequences of those actions.

  • C

    Careful with your health – your heart doesn’t need the rage and constant feeling of wanting revenge. Your husband is the one who caused all of the mess – if he were sober and not out drinking, all this wouldn’t have caused you heartache.

    Your son made decisions. Remember how wonderful he was and cherish memories of his childhood. Let the pain and grieving come to an end – see counseling for a while to help you through the terrible loss.

    When I met my bf, one of his ex-gf’s sent me letters about him! She lived over 100 miles away and I have never met her. My bf has two homes in different states.

    When I went to the State’s Attorney office, I was told my bf was causing the ex to be upset. He needed to get a restraining order, etc. He was shocked when I told him – he thought it was best to just ignore her and it would stop – NOPE.

    If you continue to be bothered by the whatever, document everything. I was told some of them will do harm to the wife or gf – even if they never had any contact with them. Luckily, our situation quieted down and she moved to South Carolina!

    Take good care of yourself. Make sure you get support from a professional so you can live a happy and healthy life no matter what your decision in the long ru .

  • Rose

    Still don’t understand women blaming other women for throwing themselves at their partner. So what? He’s an adult, it’s up to him to exercise some self-control. I work with a guy who is so good looking and charming women are throwing themselves at him all the time. When he was younger he played the filed, now he just politely smiles. How do you know the guy you are clinging to is not playing you off against family friend? I’ve worked with men for decades (and am only woman so they forget I’m there) and am so used to listening to them joke about playing women off against each other. Flirting with a wife’s friend, texting old girlfriends, scrolling around cheating sites. They think women shrieking jealously at each other over men is hilarious. And a desperate woman will do so much more for him if she wants to keep him. It’s sick…stop it, it’s driving you crazy. My husband works as a counsellor and comes into daily contact with single mothers. They throw themselves at him. My brother’s a plumber and 1/3 of every house he goes to the woman opens the front door wearing only a towel.Our neighbor went 2.5 years without paying rent as *every night* he was able to find a woman to go home with at closing time…nightclub, hotel, bar…wherever. Often he would wake up with little kids calling him daddy. He was a huge alcoholic, even he knew and said that at the time. We women can be really crazy too, for all of our sakes take care of yourself and your sanity!

  • Laurie

    That is the second time you have called or insinuated that I am desperate. Which is far from the truth. I had become weak after losing our son and was emotionally drained at that point. All I want from her are answers and if you have been through the betrayal of seeing them in bed together and no one giving you what you need to get over it but instead acting holier than thou and demanding an apology for yelling at her that night before she will answer your questions. So you have somebody lie and tell her I’m sorry and she then say nope you know everything you need to know. Excuse me… really with her smug ass attitude. At the time I told her she was trash and one sick bitch but she made me smile for how stupid she was and then blocked her from facebook, but your judgments are way off the mark this time. Like I told him he can have the skank. I wouldn’t break a sweat if he choose her and feel the same way today. When i got that attitude is when things changed but doesn’t change I still want answers or hurt her. Its okay if you don’t understand but don’t assume I am desperate, you don’t know me.

  • k

    Laurie, Having walked many times down the same or similar road I hear your pleas. you can ask all the questions of him or her and you will not hear what they are saying. When you hurt this deeply and you are sincerely hurt the answers will
    never go away and questions will begin to guide your life. The girl friend
    and husband have tormented you enough, building a new life, with or with out your
    husband is essential to wellness. Bitterness creeps into our lives because we
    allow it. Change you. Hate makes us hateful. Little positive changes can and
    do help. Remember alcoholics and druggies no longer think you know anything about you. They do not care because they are always on the hunt for the next beer or
    heroine. There is so much deep sadness that comes from their chosen life style.
    I hope for you that someday you can let go of most of this and that love returns to you triple fold. Compassion your friend, true love a gift to you,

  • Carmen

    Hi Laurie,

    You have a rough history, loaded with responsibility that was not yours. I used to do too much for other people too. I was taught to do it from a very young age. Minding my own business has brought me incredible peace. It’s not that others (my family) aren’t still in my life, it’s that I no longer allow them to cross boundaries that shred my joy and I do not cross boundaries to try to fix them or take care of them or save the dignity of all by running the show, including growing and picking all the flowers for the events ETC. I married a man with 3 kids when I was 17. He died from a brain tumor after 30 years of marriage. I adopted his kids legally so that there would never be hassles over property division. Then I married a man in 2008 who was bigger than life, charming, friendly, and treated me wonderfully. Alcoholism and physical pain turned him into a wreck of a man and he became increasingly verbal abusive in subtle ways. He left me in November of 2015 and moved in with family. He committed suicide in January of 2016. His family withheld all of his belongings. I’m too old to go over there and get into a big fight and frankly I don’t’ think they are worth my breath. I was instructed by my lawyer to report the vehicles as stolen and will actually be paid by the insurance company for one of the trucks. The other truck was returned by the law. I might not see the boats again, at least not while they are worth any money. I had to get past the lies told to me by his sister and the weird actions of his niece. I let go and let God and I did what my lawyer directed. I had already joined Al-Anon and got myself into therapy. I am not rich but I am far better off than I was while I was married to him. I choose to share a little of my bounty with his siblings who have not attacked me. In wanting and standing up for only what was rightfully mine, I have been blessed with more than I expected to get. I do not debate with these people and I do not respond to vile things posted on Facebook. My self esteem has been at the bottom of most of my situations. Today I look in the mirror and say, “What can I do for you, today?” If someone is not treating me respectfully, I don’t pay much attention to them and I certainly do not seek them out. My new behavior has been bringing me abundance. I’m 58 and I am a mom but I am not in charge of my children. I have learned to love them and let them make their mistakes but I don’t finance them and I don’t bring them home to live. I free them so that they might learn their life lessons more quickly. I was simply interfering before.

    You don’t have to stop helping people, you just have to choose to help different people, like ones who deserve your brand of “love and affection”. You can volunteer in hospitals, nursing homes, or simply walk up the street to the lonely old widow and give her a bouquet of flowers. When you find your tribe, you will thrive! Some of the wonderful things that have happened to me since I learned to let go and let God (If you don’t believe in God, use another word like, “higher power”, angels, tree spirits ETC) are as follows. The afternoon I turned my finances over to God was a huge turning point. Two hours later I found that I had won the $5000 Home Depot Gift card. I was barely holding my small farm together when my husband killed himself. I thought I would get nothing, but I got a small retirement fund to add to my previous widow’s pension, I got a life insurance policy, and I got all of his bank account stuff. In his insanity he was stock piling his money instead of helping me out. I have more than enough to pay the lawyer, the insurance, and the few bills he left behind. The people who have stepped up to help me out are loving, kind, and helpful. That is just a few of my financial windfalls. But there are other things that are happening. One thing might sound a little odd but I’m having things like this happen often. I bought a bottle of white paint for a sign I’m making and I had put it somewhere but not away where it belonged. A month later I was looking for it in my back room and I said aloud, “I wonder where I put that.” Then I let go in my mind and told myself that it would turn up. At that moment an object fell off of my footstool and landed on a file box. I turned around to see why something fell. I was at least 3 feet away from it. There was no reason that I could see so I walked over to look. The item fell on the file box. I suddenly had a vague memory about that box, so I opened it. There was my bottle of paint. Another time I was sleeping in the back of my truck with my two dogs in a hunting camp while visiting my mother in the mountains. One of her lady friends popped up to visit with me. She saw how I would pull my canopy door closed with a bungi cord after I climbed in the back of the pickup. “You need a camper,” she said. “Yes,” I agreed, “I’ve been looking for one on-line but couldn’t find one small enough for this little truck for the right price. “I’ve got one,” she said. “How much?” I asked. “To you,” she said, “Free.” Of course driving the 400 miles home to remove my canopy and driving the 400 miles back was not free, but the camper was free. All she wants is to ride with me to the beach some day. She’s only seen the ocean once. I will enjoy every minute of showing her the ocean. Chin up lady, you are tough after all you’ve been through. Now it is your turn to treat yourself as well as you’ve been treating all these other people.

  • Patti

    Hi Laurie, So glad you’ve posted your story on this website! I remember when I just put up with all the sick stuff and was scared to share with anyone. It was an Insane life I was living and it was poisoning me! There were times when I thought about suicide, but so glad I kept searching for help!!! I agree with others here, hope you don’t waste your breath seeking revenge on the other woman. It will not give you the peace you think it will. Anger and revenge brings only more of the same, as you’ve seen in your A, family and life. It sounds like your A is not interested in seeking any solution to his addiction beyone placating you temporary “help and support” which is one-sided, and doesn’t help or support you at all. If anything, it just degrades and depresses you. For those of us that have grown up in these type of addicted environment, these circumstances are so “achingly familiar” that we’re drawn to them, over and over again, even when they bring emotional, mental and physical abuse and turmoil on our heads. We let ourselves become damaged! It is hard to get off that “Merry Go-Round called Denial”, but if you can seek help and grow yourself past your past, you may find there are other ways to live life that can bring more happiness and peace to YOU! 1-1/2 years ago I was suicidal. At that point I began seeking relief! I found Al Anon meetings and program, a good local church, this website and other online places and info that have been amazing for me! I know that I don’t deserve to be sucked into anybody else’s addictions. I don’t deserve any type of abuse from others. I can detach from others when they don’t treat me right, and I can leave anytime I want or need to, on a temporary or permanent basis. I don’t worry about my A anymore. I’m too busy pursuing MY OWN life, and I’ve found that I’m a great person and many kind and loving people want to have relationships with me! I no longer have to be a “bottom feeder”. I’m floating to the top!!!! I hope and pray for you that you will seek and find your own joy and happiness. Don’t sacrifice your brilliance to people who don’t care, and don’t deserve it.

  • Paula g

    I agree Patti,
    We are denied and then to add to it we deny ourselves the things we need, and in the end we are sick needy vulnerable and very unhealthy. Laurie so many of us have gotten ourselves into these types of cycles of pain. We lose sight of right and wrong and we forget about boundaries we thought we would never cross, and then only notice we have crossed when we are looking back at it from a surprising distance.
    At some point we get to our limit and are forced to decide to save ourselves, and God willing we do. I am actually convinced that part of addiction is trying to spread addiction. The alcoholic seems to need to make the ones close to them feel what they feel, and they are quite effective at doing it. They are also good at choosing empathetic partners. So I figure we need to recognize when we are being roped in and stop it before it starts, this is a way of maintaining our independence and our autonomy from the AH.
    So that being said Good luck to all of us and power to us. Remember the serenity prayer, it helps us probably more than it helps those in AA.

  • VIrginia

    Does a recovering alcoholic go through crazy emotions also? One day he loves me, then he has to think about us, then he doesn’t want us, then he does, then he doesn’t. It’s a roller coaster of emotions for me. Help! I can’t decipher the truth from fantasy. I don’t think that he’s lying. He went to rehab 500 miles away, then left, then back in rehab, another woman, then broke up with her and called me. Wanted to see me, then didn’t show up after he was in the area to see his grandchild. Spoke to him for 5 hours in the car on the phone while he drove here. Then he said that he didn;t want to start something that he couldn’t finish. He called a week later, told me that he loved me, and was driving 500 miles to see me for the weekend. No show. Emailed after the weekend and told me that it’s not going to happen, after he thought about it. He said that talikng made the feelings grow, then it went from me moving there, to him moveing back here, and after thinking about it, it’s not going to happen. He said that he cares for me a lot. I’m so confused! He has not contacted me in two weeks now! Is this normal for a recovering alcoholic? He’s sharing a house with two men, paying rent weely, goes to AA meetings every night. I think that he’s in a Sober living facility although I never got the chance to ask him. He was only contacting me on weekends, that’s why I think that he is there. I heard that when he was was here, he’s been clean sober. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you all!

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