If an alcoholic can keep you angry and anxious they are winning the battle. When a good friend in the alanon program explained to me that the two weapons that alcoholics use to keep the focus off of them selves are anger and anxiety, many things came to light. If you can get a hold of the truths I am about to share with you, things will change for the good in your life.
If the problem drinker can push your buttons and get you mad, then you are the one perceived as having the problem. The easiest way to start learning what those buttons are in your life is by starting to journal everyday. Keep it totally private and protect your journal. This is an amazing way to begin to recognize how the addict in your life is setting your temper off. Once you start seeing the methods that they are using to get you angry, you will be able to exert self control.
How to Shield Yourself From the Weapons that Alcoholics Use
1) Stop defending yourself when they say something about you that is not true. When they use words like always, never, and every time, these are absolute statements that cannot possibly be true. When they throw those types of words at you, just respond by saying; “that’s not true.” There is no need to express anything more on the subject. We must learn how to zip our lisp and save our breath. When you can get to the point of not reacting to all of the untruthful things they say, you will find living with an angry alcoholic will be a tad easier. Once you begin to defend yourself they just keep heaping the hot coals of anger on even more. Learn to put the fire out by not responding. Just to know in your own heart that what they are saying is not true is enough.
2) Refuse to get mad when the try to push your buttons with anger and anxiety. This is why you must start journaling; it will help you control your own temper. When we are constantly reacting when they push our buttons, then the anger continues in both of you like gas being poured on a blazing fire. As you begin to say things like; “I’m sorry you feel that way,” then they have nothing to get mad about. This will eliminate a lot of anxiety in you because you will begin to have more self-control rather than being out of control. Relationship issues with alcoholics are many. Learning how to handle this one will help you greatly.
You can find a few weapons and shields of your own by going to support meetings. People in programs such as Al-anon know how to respond to the alcoholic’s anger and anxiety in positive ways so that less guilt is heaped on either person, the alcoholic or the family or friend. Just remember that they really do not want to be the way that they are. Try to love them with an undying love and do your best to not get angry. If your mess up, apologize to the alcoholic for loosing your temper and start over again. Arguing, getting angry and staying anxious is not going to make anything better.
What will work is not fighting with an alcoholic. If you think about it you’ve probably been having arguments for a long time, try something different for a change.
Good Luck Stephanie:
I kept telling people while going through this that it was several scenarios but basically I realized he put me on the bottom of the list after his family & probably even the dog and I would have needed him to fix it by feeding my “love bucket” every day to know that I was back at the top of the list & he needed to reverse the damage. Not with constant apologies but I would have needed things like: make me coffee, call me just to check on me during the day, call me to see if I needed anything. Just those continual little calls & notes would fill my bucket, make me feel I was finally being thought of before anything else but it would have taken a long time to fill my bucket–I think you can do that with your daughter and others. Just continually keep them in the front of your mind and others and say what can I do for them today & don’t ever go back to drinking or anything else–I think you’re up to the challenge!
stephanie, if you don’t mind me asking punishment for what?
is it low self image or something from your past? my XAB said the same things about not enjoying it but it is escape or pleasure. also I’ve heard that alcoholics have a different response to alcohol then non alcoholics would you say this is true? kind of more like an opiate rather than alcohol? thanks for explaining these things you are also helping us to understand!
Debbi
That is a good way to explain it
because often times I isolate and withdraw out
of embarrassment/guilt
And face it ; no one wants to hear another apology
So when I do isolate , that is upsetting bc I am
not facing up
But if ‘facing up ‘ I get rejected or shunned
I retreat…. The viscous cycle…
The ‘bucket ‘ is a great solution
And as a mom, I’ve gone overboard to do things
not always to make up but bc that’s also how I
am with my family. Your idea is a different way
for me to look at it. Even if I start by putting patience
In it….. I cannot thank you enough.
It sounds like you’ve had a very tough time .
You sound very strong and like you have tried alot
to understand this…
My husband drinks alot but he is very
functional and respected.thrre are times when
it’s difficult to deal with. That’s bold of me I know!
It also helps me see how it affects others .
This website had helped me see him in a different
light too , with compassion also ….
The deep rootedness of this disease is
really alot. I really wish you well … And peace
To pez
Your question about punishment is a bit difficult
to answer . The short answer is due to low self
esteem. But I think the more complex answer is
when I allow myself to be a prisoner of my own
past . I get upset if ‘they’ see me as alcoholic
But then I get stuck in that pain of the past and
what do I do? Sometimes I relapse , other times
I do the right thing . And wow the next day I am so
grateful for making a good choice. Night and day
difference.
The part about is drinking different . Now that I
Have adult children who drink, responsibly for the most
part ( unless you would consider having drinks
around your recovering parent not the best idea)
I see how different it is for them. It was once like
that for me. I don’t know how it changed.
Mostly bc it became something I tried to hide
Bc I started to drink alone .i do t know how another
feels but for me it’s like an intense craving/thought
And acting on impulse. It can be a small amount.
I change .its bad.others act differently under the
influence but remain the same person.
There is a great video on YouTube where the doctor
explains how the addicted brain changes. It’s worth
watching. It takes a good while for small pleasures
to become meaningful again…,
It’s kind of like a satisfaction that the craving was
met and then it’s too late…
The really insane part is that ad many times as
I’ve ‘gone down’ if my thoughts turn to having a
drink, at that time I really believe that I will be ok
and no one will know. Nothing could be further from the
truth! That’s crazy.
I hope this helps you understand a little more
also…..
Stephanie, that actually helped a lot to clarify things. its probably very similar to my craving for cinnamon rolls when I’m depressed. I just gotta have one. but when I’m on a diet I have to deny that craving and push it out of my mind or use a substitute. I will look for that video on YouTube thank you. I think the only difference is I don’t have denial. I know cinnamon rolls make me fat LOL!
Pez
Haha I’ll bet cinnamon rolls don’t make you
mean either!
Thanks for the smile….
The video is by a dr norton. From
A university . …. It’s about an hour long .
He actually emailed me back to answer a question
I had!!!!
There’s another one that’s a bit lighter
Also on YouTube but I cannot remember the
Drs name. It’s a. 5 part series about an hour total
His name starts with an M ….
If I can find it I will post to you….
I’m glad if I can help too
Understanding the other perspective is so good
I think your gonna make it Steph. Just remember it’s up to you and you alone! I do worry you are around a drinker all the time, but I know you want this and maybe your hubby will follow. Fight the good fight. Life is worth living the good and the bad! I think nothing would be worse then being on your death bed and knowing you missed it all blurred out by drugs or alcohol. Whatever God brings into our lives we can handle it (get through it) even if we think we can’t! I am always amazed at the resilliance of the human sprit. Amen.
Pez,thank you
I know that all things are possible with
God…I agree with you about the human spirit .
And love for another person is so powerful.
I think people in recovery have the hardest time
with self love . That’s a huge part of the solution.
Forgiveness ….
Stephanie:
Thank you sharing your thoughts on how the alcohol affected you. I learned alot from your statement. I wish you the best. I too think you are on the road to recovery and you will make it now. I have you on my prayer list.
Gabby
Thank you
It’s nice to know that I have helped someone
also
My daughter arrives tonight and she is
angry with me
The suggestion I received about my family’s
buckets being empty has really helped me view
the healing process more realistically .
Thank you for your prayers
That’s a wonderful gift to know someone is praying
for you. I will remember you in mine.
To Tracy X
I just saw a video on a website
of Tommy Rosen recovery 2.0
that made me think of your post to me.
They said that recovery means to get back
and so the person in recovery is not gone but
needs to ‘get back to who they are ‘
I hope this for your husband and for your family
I like that Steph! Get back to who God truly meant you to be : ). Great definition. We soooo hope this for all the A’s and addicts that we have loved or still love.
Thanks Pez!
That’s a really nice thing hear….
This is amazing to me how strong and supportive
you are. I’m starting to see even more the affect
addiction has on the family
and thank goodness I’m also seeing how much
love you have
It makes me sad to know the destruction but hopeful
To hear the support
Just remember steph the saying, “Hell hath no fury like a woman (or man) scorn”. You have intense love here for the A’s in our life or that were in our life. We are gravely disappointed, hurt, etc… to loose the ones we loved because we had to for our own survival! So, you have LOVE and HATE (PER SAY). in other words, the anger you hear on this site is because we loved them soooo much. Remember that when you read these posts.
Thank you Pez
It’s important for me to remember
that I have put an emotional burden on my
loved ones
Dealing with those repercussions is part of it.
Part of the sick cycle is that for the A
(speaking for myself here) after the ‘event’
I am sorry and want things to be ok . That is so
selfish. I will think of what it must be like more
for the ones I have hurt. The least I can do is
be patient . Thank you for helping me understand
Well, what I wanted you to see is the Love. If they did not care about you they would be indifferent towards you and not care. So SEE Love and feel loved because they have anger. And if you feel loved, you will do better!
Stephanie,
Thank you,
I have had 2 bad days I think it is because I had to ask my son’s friend to take him to his football training.
I understand A is a illness and I truly am so sorry for Alcoholics but the anger and hatred in me over the last 2 days has scared me. What I can not cope with is the other women, I know its a ego boost, instant gratification but as his wife that is what hurt me the most and I am sure most people dealing with this feel the same. I have been really so abusive to my AH over 2 days it has upset me that I can say these horrible things. I know he is in full blown addiction and probably doesn’t care. Today I can’t think how I normally think I am the hurt wife and mother who lost a lot because of this man. he doesn’t even answer the abuse other than to say he won’t give me money for our son, like that works now. I got nothing for a month while he ran away to Spain for the 3rd time in 8 months.
A question for you Stephaine: Do A care about the hurt and mess they leave behind? X
Pez
Yes I do see the love and I know love does not
end. I am trying to stay positive and give space .
People need time to heal . For me, the longer it takes
I feel worse that I have caused it but remind myself that it’s not
about me . It’s about them healing and forgiving.
I am very very lucky to still have some love and
support. It’s up to me to keep that ….
Tracy X
You are dealing with so much !!!
In AA they say to only speak for yourself.
I just erased a long post about my past and
the betrayal I experienced. But that doesn’t help you.
Please know that I know that pain….
To answer your question about do A’s care.
I know i do . And I have great difficulty forgiving
myself. Time lost ….
I was a secret drinker at home and did so alone.
It’s a different kind of wreckage. Somehow when
that craving comes I was unable to stop it.
Many more times I did arrest it but no one knows
of those times.
You have so many things you are dealing with.
I am willing to help you if I can also . I would like to.
It’s none of my business if you have legal recourse
about the financial part but if so, maybe you can
pursue that to alleviate the financial stress.
A’s are just people and like all people
some care more than others . I am seeing
why you think ‘we’ don’t.
If writing to each other helps you, angry or otherwise,
I would keep in touch ….
I hope it will help you as I know it has helped
that someone ( even a cyber stranger)
Is thinking of you and hoping for better days for you
To Tracy X
I just thought of something else that you may already
know…. They say once the brain has changed
bc of chemicals .., a person does not
experience simple pleasures like most people.
I’ve heard this at meetings over the years too.
It takes a year or two of sobriety to get that back .
Personally I practice yoga and although I do
lots of nice things for my family
For the first time in a long time I recognized that
feeling of really enjoying something. I mean it
was so noticeable to me bc it’s unusual .
I wonder if that may be why your husband is
doing all that ???? Just a thought ….
Not a justification by any means…
To Stephanie:
You have been so patient–I see you answering everyone’s questions–that is so admirable of you. I’m the bucket lady! and I just wanted to add that as you deal with your daughter from this point on, that in order to fill her bucket to be completely honest from this point forward even if you know that the answers to her questions are going to hurt say the truth no matter what in order to fill her bucket–you must be truthful to her just like you are being truthful here to everyone’s questions.The non-alcoholic as you know, we were lied to so often and so the truth in every question is so important to us. I love your posts & hoping for more as I am also trying to make sense out of some of my ex’s behavior & determine if it was all alcohol related. I know you’ve already helped me immensely & thank you for your honesty–keep it up!
To Pez–Nicely Said & So True!!
“We are gravely disappointed, hurt, etc… to loose the ones we loved because we had to for our own survival!”
To Debbi
Well thank you for the compliment
It is nice to know i am helping you understand too.
Your bucket suggestion has truly helped me so
much. I realized that my need to be forgiven was
selfish bc I am not the victim here
But !!!! I did not know where to put that emotion
And this has given me a place to ‘put’ that patience
that I wanted to give!
It always amazes me how this disease affects
all that it touches and I’m able to grow from this
sharing from all your perspectives
Maybe it’s the missing piece I needed to stay
sober once and for all .
JC
Thank you
I thought I might be taking a chance getting on
a site of family members of A’s.
I want to understand that perspective better
with hopes of staying sober with a better
awareness ….
I received so much more than i even hoped for.
It would have been understandable to receive
the opposite. So hopeful ….
Stephanie, Glad you had the boldness to post. I leaned a lot as well. It would be great to have a lot more discussions here with A’s in recovery! I noticed this web site went a bit more silent with this discussion : ). One thing is you have experienced betrayal like many of us did with a significant other with your first husband–that helped. Looks like you are committed to your currant relationship and have been faithful. Most here have been betrayed by there A, you have not done that, in an intimate relationship which is so much more deep if you know what I mean. Not saying hurt to family and friends is not up there!!
Have been very busy at work and last night I had a relapse of negative feelings and depression. Feel better today. Thank God for time that gradually heals. Gain wisdom for us but don’t us dare make the same mistake again or we are fools now we know the strength of addiction.
God bless and good luck Steph!
To Pez
I’m glad you are feeling better today…
I sure dont mean to offend anyone here.
My intent is to understand how to help those I have
hurt…, staying sober is the obvious part.
I have alot to learn…..
I don’t think you offended any one. I think you have opened our eyes a bit about addiction, which is good.
It is proven, humans tend to think other think and feel like we do and should. The fact is when someone is under the influence of any substance, especially for a long period of time–they in no way think like normal human beings do, they are altered. I have gained from talking to you just a little more compassion for the struggle of being addicted. I appreciate that.
To Pez
….and I understand more clearly the other
side …. I knew it was harmful but you are right
about thinking and NOT thinking like a normal brain.
Plus when you are the problem . At least a big
part of it, I wish it wasn’t as bad as it is.
( the harmful effects)
I’ve never met anyone who wants to have this disease.
That must be even more for the family.
It robs everyone but you are not even responsible.for
what you are left with..
That’s where the guilt is…but I can also see
now how important it is not to Inflict that
on my family. You have all had so much to cope
with. ….
Thank you, all. This chat line has helped me through some difficult times.
To Stephanie:
Would you mind answering some questions? I am curious
Approximately how much did you drink daily and the type while you were in active addiction? Did you notice while drinking that it changed your behavior? Did you feel you were functioning well while drinking? Did you get to the point where you functioned better only while actively drinking? How did you feel hours later after not drinking or days later? What was the “It” that finally made you seek recovery, in other words your bottom? I hope you don’t mind answering, if so I would understand.
To gabby
I will be happy to answer those questions
.
I will get back to you later this evening
To gabby
I hope I can answer your questions…
I first got sober 20+years ago. My drinking got
worse over a three year period where I was home
alone with my young family…I am a small person
and my tolerance is very low so the amount was
fairly small. 2 or 3 drinks would change me from
a nice person to someone you would stay away
from. The things I say under the influence
are awful…,
I went to an out patient program and stayed sober
About 10 years….at the time my elderly mom
moved in. It was a busy time
Then one day I saw a bottle in the closet and
impulsively picked it up …
I went to an inpatient program within a short
while. I haven’t been able to get more than
90 days since then . I will drink and then start
Over . I don’t drink daily… Sometimes a few times
a week . It’s crazy but when I do I think it willbe ok.
it isn’t ok. So I start over…
My personality and ability to cope change drastically .
I want to be the sober me ….most A’s I know
feel that way too….
When my family sees I am trying and some time
goes by they are supportive. As a person in recovery
with all the shame I’ve felt … Icsnnot stress enough
how much it means to not be shunned…
That helps the healing and is so encouraging.
When I relapse I already feel like the worst .
It’s a crazy thing
I wish my loved ones understood but I never wA t them to have this
I wish you all peace in dealing with this awful thing
GREAT WEBSITE! WISH THERE WAS A CURE FOR ALCOHOLICS. MY ABF ENDED UP IN JAIL AND THE HOSPITAL-HES STILL DRINKING-HE HAS ALOT OF ISSUES
I was married for 32 years to a man that I loved and hated over the years. He is an alcoholic and blamed me for his failures, lack of intimacy and alcoholism. I finally filed for divorce after discovering a love letter from his bar fly alcoholic girlfriend. He even admitted in having two girlfriends. I was devastated as this man took wedding vows in the holy catholic church – so much for wedding vows. He has no remorse or guilt/shame. Its almost as if he is entitled to do his dirt to me and our son.
He was verbally and emotionally abusive to me and our son. He stole money, shuffled money from account to account and paid his credit card bills on time after taking the bar fly girlfriends on the town with hard earned money that I contributed into the accounts. He even talked to the dumb blonde on his cell phone in front of me!
It has been a year – he moved out in April 2016 without telling me he bought a house. I had to get a court order to get him out – he wanted to leave when he was ready! Too bad!
He lives 5 miles away with our daughter. She blames me for the divorce too.
I struggle with what he has done to our marriage, family and home life – but now I am so sad that he resorted to the tramps, whores, prostitutes, and barfly girlfriends instead of communicating with me, loving me and wanting me. I only hope that GOD has something special in store for him when his money runs out and the “girlfriends” no longer want him or his money.
2017 will be a better year for me and my son as we will be planning to sell the marital home and move on with a new life. But, it is hard and I cry a lot. I ask GOD for help and to take away my pain, sadness and suffering as I know that this man was once a good man and good father. He flipped out! He listened to his witch sister and look what happened…
You can’t reason with an unreasonable person and an alcoholic/drug addict destroys their conscious, thus making them unreasonable. I am sorry you are struggling but a better day is coming if you close the chapter and carry on! This above all to thine own self be true.
Hi Barbe,
Time to forgive will come. I just buried my sister. She died of alcoholic ketoacidosis a few weeks ago. Somehow I feel like I let her down. I wanted to help. I wanted to change her. I wanted her to let me love her to health and happiness. I wanted her to choose ME over the booze and the insanity. WHY on earth would someone you love choose all the insanity over you and your love for them??? WHY would my sister drink alone for 20 plus years, tear her life to shreds, loose every job she ever had, get kicked out of every living situation she ever had, and die alone when I was just 2 miles and a phone call away. WHY? There is no answer. The disease is bigger than all of the goodness you might throw at it. His behavior toward you is not personal. It is just the alcoholic doing whatever crazy thing he can do to keep the drug coming. He will run over ANYONE to make room to drink. You, your kids, his other family members, his girlfriends, anyone. I’m sorry this is in your life. My big lesson was learning about the true insanity and getting OUT. The bottomless pit of crazy that will never, never go away. SAVE YOURSELF! Start new and make a good home for yourself and your son. Separate yourself the best you can from him. You are forever connected by your children, so you will have to find boundaries to deal with him as a father and how he relates to your kids. Your daughter will soon find out the truth. As long as she enables him, she will stay on his good side. When she challenges him, he will turn on her too. It doesn’t matter how much he loves her. Get to Al Anon, keep reading this web site. Arm yourself with the information you need to keep your boundaries. Forgive everyone including yourself and don’t let his crazy get under your skin. I know it sounds difficult, but get as much distance from this as you can. Your kids will follow you when they are ready. Don’t let them shame you. They will grow up and find their own truth. Offer them the opportunity to do their own research. They will soon understand why you are doing what you do. At first, they will see it as cold and cruel. Trust me, when they tire of the insanity, they will look to you for support. I wish you peace. Lisa
Barbe – I feel your pain. I was in love with an alcoholic for many years – 10 years we were together, then until 3 years ago, we were on speaking terms. He was always nasty and emotionally abusive to me. I finally cut ties with him three years ago, and finally, I feel much better. He is now living with a friend of mine (not a close friend, but someone I have known for years, and whom I like very much).
Alcoholics are usually very charming; I know mine was. Sometimes I fall into the trap of wondering how he gets to have a companion etc etc and I am alone. BUT…then I remember how he turned on me in a split second, cursed me, and called me ‘evil’ even after we were no longer boyfriend and girlfriend, but for YEARS…according to him, I was so beautiful one day, and overnight I was an EVIL WITCH.
So…let’s just realize that his love is his drink, his behavior is from his drink. Alcoholism causes insanity or death. I learned that in AlAnon and from reading. Always remember this. I do. You will be ok; he will not. Disengaging from the situation and praying will help. God bless.
My son was recently home at Xmas. He was explaining to me how alcoholism IS a disease because I have a real hard time believing that. He is studying for his doctorate in the medical field and yes, it does make sense. I just don’t want it to be happening to our very small family. I didn’t sign on for this crap. I am retiring in a week on Friday 13th. My son asked me if I have heard of alcoholic encephelopathy. Yes. He told me there is nothing I can do except take good care of myself. The alcohol has him. Hearing my son talk about his Dad like he is a patient is heart wrenching. I said ” we can’t fix this” and he said no; only Dad can and that doesn’t look too promising. So we started to talk about school and my next trip to California. My son has been my rock for so many years. I am so proud of the man he has become. He is a part of both of us. My ah says he’s proud of our son but yet he does unconscionable things. I was watching Joel Osteen last night.Between him , JC, and alcoholicsfriend I can get through days. Like a friend of mine said , Life is too short. Take care. Denise
Barbe, I also recently left my husband of 31 years. Your right it is a heartbreaking experience. However you have to remember they are not the same person we married. Over the years Alchol destroyed their brain, along with our marriages. You can not save him from himself, you can only save you. Lisa is correct your daughter will get tired of the craziness . Take good care of yourself . Show your son a good example to life by so he can break the cycle of this horrible family diesse
The alcoholic doesn’t want your help! Get over yourselves and go live your own flipping life!
So sorry Barbe. You took some huge steps, I am proud of your courage and strength. You will get through this, stronger every day.
He is like an anchor around your neck. We can get so used to the heaviness, that we sometimes become fearful of letting go, of the “familiar”, yet painful bondage.
I wish you well sister. There is always a rainbow after the storm. Fly free, like a butterfly.
Lisa: I am so sorry for your loss. Please step outside and clear your head. You can only take care of yourself and helping someone else is more than difficult if they are unable to help take care of their health. I have been there – trying to make sure an A ate something – he drank constantly.
Warrior! I wish you were my neighbor! I have two friends who are pretty straight with me not tough enough to keep me from making stupid mistakes like having contact with the A after all the incidents that mimic what others have written in their posts. I think the A has a pamphlet that they follow – the name calling, blaming us who take care of them, etc.!!!
In 2017, I wish everyone would stand tall and make decisions on their own or with support to make changes in their lives to make it the best it can be. We only have one life and it should be filled with laughter and love.
JC: You are the best. Thank you for continuing to support all of us no matter what.
Dear Barbe,
The betrayal rips at a person’s heart and can be very devastating, especially when it involves children. But your life will go on, so don’t give up. It is a mystery why some suffering enters our life, have faith there is some reason for it. Turn the bad into good (God does this) by learning what only a person who has undergone such an experience can learn. The bright side of ‘such events’ is you become part of a few who ‘survive them.’ IN doing so, you acquire a set of skills. That is grace. A preacher once told me such situations are ‘patience teachers.’ You will learn a lot of patience in what you must do now to keep your relationship with your child. You will learn patience with yourself, giving time to heal. If you attend Al-anon you will learn sometimes you must be selfish and focus your care on yourself and not the issues of the other. You will also learn to see your own control issues.
At death, he will be forced to see these acts ‘through your eyes’ and in God’s Presence. Then, these same acts enter Heaven with you and all the residents of Heaven see your acts. Acts that are so bad it would disturb the peace of Heaven are not permitted in. Neither is the person for whom the acts belong. There is only one other place for that person unless they have gotten forgiveness for these acts while alive. Do not worry about him. Worry about your own acts and focus on the New for You.
Hi Everyone,
I am looking for some support and came across this website. I was in a relationship for a year with an alcoholic. He was an old boyfriend from over 20 years ago and we reconnected. He has gone through two divorces and has 5 DUI’s and I still hooked up with him despite my better judgement because he was so charming and I felt like he was the one. I started seeing signs of his alcoholism very early on in the relationship but he made me feel as if the problem was me. The first time I stayed by his house he snored (I am assuming he has sleep apnea) and he made me feel like I was the crazy one and said he never met a woman who couldn’t sleep with his snoring. Slowly all of the criticisms started coming and the fights. He would drink and I would me worried about him driving and he would tell me I was putting relationship pressures on him and he didn’t need a guardian. Throughout the relationship my mental became quite broken to the point that my doctor described anti depressants. My alcoholic valentine went and told a friend of ours that I was out on anti depressants and that I was needy and clingy. Sex was out the window! He wouldn’t touch me when ever I went to visit or even if he did it was cold and with out emotion. I got to a point where I was on eggshells and even uncomfortable to try to snuggle up next to him on the couch. He then told me all his other women knew how to make him have sex with them which took a beating on my self confidence. The last argument we had was when he told me his brother told him that he didn’t really like me cause all he does is bad talk me. I was hurt and I told him about how he had told our other friend about me being put on anti depressants and I just blew up. He messaged me and told me he was the weak one and not me and he wanted some time to clear his head and get help. I gave him his space and I didn’t hear from him for a month. He messaged me a month after to tell me a lot of things had changed in that month and that he met someone who wasn’t trying to tear him down like I was. Someone who he could build an inpeneatreble wall of love with. He said I had one job and that was to help him get his daughter back (he is in a custody battle) and that this new girl gets it and is going to help him do that. I feel so discarded. It’s been 7 months and its almost like I am obsessive about the whole thing….like I failed. I tried Al Anon but I sob my eyes out everytime so I haven’t been back. I saw his Facebook and he is with this girl and they look very happy which makes me feel even worse. Was the problem me? I am searching for answers…..
Walk away and concentrate on you. You need to heal from this man and the hell he put your through. He told everybody it was you, so he didn’t look like the bad guy. If he admits it was him he would have to admit that he is the problem. For anyone that has been involved with an alcoholic knows that facing their down demons is the hardest thing they have to face. He has to face the problem himself and since he can’t do that his life will be one bad relationship after another, that is always somebody else’s fault. Know one can fix his life but him. When he’s ready and only then will he realize the problem is his.
Keep yourself busy, find things to occupy your mind and time. Hang out with friends, go on dates, and most of all take care of you.
Hi Kim,
Sounds like my story- except I made the mistake of marrying my high school sweetheart. He was a terrible alcoholic- we lived in different states at the time so, I did not know what I was getting into. After we got married he moved into my home and the craziness began- the worst 9 months of my life- I had a continuous headache and would hate coming home from work! I would tell him to leave and he would tell me to get a court order to get him out. Once he found someone else to manipulate he left and I never looked back! It’s been 4 nice peaceful years since then. My advise is to let him go and get back to your right mind and enjoy life again. Feel sorry for his new girlfriend because it is only a matter of time before she is going through what you and I have experienced with an alcoholic.
Kimmy,
Kathleen’s response is so true.
He did you a favor. Don’t look back.
Move ahead. It will always be the other person’s
Fault. This new relationship will be no different.
She will be treated the same way he treated you.
He has issues that only he can fix.
I wish you the best in your next “sober” relationship.
Kimmy, keep your head held high and know that it wasn’t anything you did or didn’t do. Alcoholics are very good at manipulating the situation. He will keep jumping from girlfriend to girlfriend to suit his needs. It should give you comfort knowing that he will not be able to give her anything that he wasn’t able to give you. You need to delete him off of Facebook today. He is not your responsibility. The best thing you can do is to keep yourself busy, you will soon realize that a man who values your worth will put you first. What helped me get through some rough times were Al-anon phone meetings. Very convenient, you don’t have to talk if you’re not ready, and they have them all day long…here’s the number 712-432-8733, access code #52639. Hang in there!!
Sounds like he made it his job to make you feel bad. Are there places inside you that still feel good?
Hi Kimmy,
First of all I am sorry you have these feeling and emotions in your life, been there for sure. I was in a 6 year relationship with a woman who was a recovering alcoholic and had been sober for 9 yeas, swore to me and her kids she would never drink again, A year into our relationship she convinced her ex (the kids father) to move back to our state of Michigan from Florida and soon after that our relationship began to fall apart big time. She began keeping secrets, became very distant, started drinking and hanging out with the ex and basically done a complete 180 with her personality. This was my first time experiencing alcoholic traits and I was tore up over everything she put me through. Basically, alcoholics are extremely selfish and will mow over anyone and anything in their path to get their fix. Nothing you say or do will ever be good enough to them, they have no ability to care about anyone’s feelings or cares but their own. I ended up getting out of that relationship (in a bad way, she evicted me to move her ex into the home) which ended up being the best thing that could have happened. In your case, stay clear of him and his condition as it will only continue to bring you down. He is not now and will never be the person you once knew. Work on yourself and find happiness within, stay focused on good family and friends. If you continue to put yourself in the line of fire with him you will only be put deeper and deeper into depression and he will blame you for everything wrong in his life. Believe me, get healthy for you, find happiness for yourself and focus on YOU. Life will get better for you, you will be healthier and happier for it. I hope this helps!!!!!!!!! Take care of yourself!! Mark