One of the behavior patterns of an addict is blaming others. Alcoholics are not exempt from this character defect. It’s not until people get into recovery that they begin to grasp what it means to take responsibility for their own behaviors.
Why do people with addictions do things such as judge and criticize others?
Basically, someone who is struggling with an addiction has a very difficult time looking at the real person on the inside. It’s easier to point the fingers at everything and anybody who can take the blame rather than them having to.
What accompanies the blame game that the alcoholic doesn’t really realize they are playing with family and friends?
Well, generally there is anger that goes along with the alcoholic who is blaming others for their problems. They will get mad at the power company for turning off their power and say that they are unjust, even though the electric company gave them a one month grace period. They will blame their spouse for the pool being filled with green algae because they did not have any money to purchase chlorine. Yet, every day they were able to purchase two packs of smokes and a twelve pack of beer.
It’s not an uncommon thing for them to imply that they told someone a particular thing when they never did, just to get themselves off of the hook.
Deep down inside they really don’t want to be the way that they are, but the power that the alcohol has over their lives greatly affects their behavior. They will even blame the outcome of things to be related to the alcohol that they consume. This may be very true, but using alcohol as an excuse is not ever acceptable behavior.
How to deal with an alcoholic who is constantly blaming others for their problems
I would highly suggest that the phrase “I’m sorry you feel that way” become a part of your daily lifestyle when you are conversing with an addict who is constantly blaming everything on others. If the blame is directed toward you, this phrase is a mighty tool to deflect things right off of you when they do this. You will find several other phrases here: Communicating With An Alcoholic.
By saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” it keeps us from reacting to the lies that they throw at us. If they are blaming us for the pool being green with algae, instead of us defending ourselves and pointing the finger at them, by saying: “well, if you didn’t spend all of your money on beer…”, we put an end to the thing immediately by communicating more strategically.
When we react to the blame game, then there is just too much room for an argument. Trust me, things will be a lot quieter around the house if we do not confront the lies that accompany the blame they hurl upon us. This is all apart of learning how to handle an alcoholic.
It’s a rare thing for addicts or alcoholics to take responsibility for the things that they are personally doing wrong. They feel so bad about themselves already because they drink all the time that somehow blaming others for all of their problems helps them to feel OK about themselves. The best thing that can be done, if you are coping with someone who is constantly blaming others for things, is to adapt my favorite saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
I
I think I also read somewhere about “the family secret” but don’t remember where? It might have been in the Empowered Recovery book. If I remember I will post it.
Maybe what happened to me will ring a bell with others. During my 15 year marriage my exAH was telling all kinds of lies about me, almost from day one, to his family to make it look like all the problems (any of them, even unrelated to our relationship) were my fault. So his daughter who I helped raise and gave her the same things as my own son were hearing these lies but because I was still in the picture she had to have contact with me. It wasn’t until my marriage was close to ending that I heard that the in-laws were lying about me. Remember the family still gets most of their information about us from the A’s so after the breakup the A tells even worse lies about us. The in-laws did not see what was going on behind closed doors. So, my future has 2 hopes: 1-the truth comes out & my good reputation gets restored & 2-success–for that is the best revenge. Always remember to stay no contact with the ex and their family–they will always take the A’s side, they were doing that long before any of us entered the picture. So to all–think success–that will be your BEST Revenge. Go have a much better life.
Debbie I now I agree. I was hoping this second time around it would be different. it is quite obvious what he is what he did and who this woman is. in other words there’s no denying it! but the dysfunction of the A I believe creeps into the whole family Denial and all! people told me to cut all ties to everyone even the children. but no me with the big heart has to try and believe. they were right. this big heart isn’t a big heart anymore its a balanced heart. weighing situations and then forming a judgment of how much of my heart I should be willing to invest.
Debbie you make a good point. The family in my case saw some things but even when my xah father picked him up for DV and intoxication to spend the night at his house, my xah told him lies and twisted what had happened around to make it look like i was the bad one trying to get him into trouble. And of course they close their eyes to the evidence before them so that they may live in ignorance and take no action to help because that would be too much effort on their part. They woulld rather just hand him off to me and tell me he is my problem. Haha now that we are divorced they can no longer do that. They can try and did but now they see it is not working. I just feel a little bad because i know he tells lies about me and has in the past and i wonder how much they really believe. Or do they know in their hearts that they are lies. I am trying to get to the place in my mind where i say who cares i know the truth so who cares what they think of me. But that is very difficult to do.
Yes, Pez & Julie21 -The lies that really hurt are not the ones where they’ve lied about how much they drank or their whereabouts but the lies they tell about us. Really good liars, A or not, always put a little truth into it & the receiving person tends to believe it. So here’s how my ExAH did it:
-when we were alone he said horrible things to me (no one else could see this)
-When we were with others he complimented me in front of them-result: he looked like a nice guy & I thought that he was speaking highly of me & not realizing this only occurred when I was in the room
-When he was with others and I was not around he would spin his lies with that little bit of truth that made others believe him—just like I too believed him.
Took me quite awhile to catch on–I’m slow & assume people are telling me the truth. And basically, think about it, if a man says something nasty about his wife or girlfriend are we likely to go to her & tell her or find out if it’s true? Unlikely & so they get away with it. if the person on the receiving end is their family and you are the outside person–very unlikely they will ever tell you what he is saying about you & even more likely they believe it.
I figured it out because of 3 incidents:
1-he asked me to call him while he was working to check out an item on sale for him. I did & it went into voicemail where I left a message. Later that night I hear him telling his co-worker that it was me that called him that day & that’s how I control him because I am a controlling b**?. Is this man going to question it? No, because of the element of truth–he heard his phone ring.
2-I came home one day & his niece was visiting. They did not hear me come in. I hear him telling them that the desk in my living room that I had told everyone belonged to my grandfather was in fact a desk from his dad’s house & I had broke in & stolen in. Does this niece question it or ask me? No because his father did have a similar desk. So because of a small element of truth, she believes the whole story to be truthful.
3-This one is the horrible one that devastated me. I was diagnosed with a non-cancerous, non-threatening brain tumor but would need radiation. He tells everyone. It gets confirmed. Then what happens–from that point on he tells any crazy story about me & tells its because of my tumor. Do they believe him? Of course, the one element of truth. Now he carries around in his wallet a copy of my diagnosis so that when things got out of hand and I had to call the police, he whips out this piece of paper & the cops leave me there with him. Do they believe him? Of course–he shows an element of truth to backup the lie.
My own attorney would not believe me over his lies. I solved this the only way possible–took pictures & recorded him when he & I alone in house to capture the horrible things he was saying and doing. Not until I did that & documented escort charges on credit cards, visits to liquor store & the like did any of his words not get believed.
So, I don’t want him hurt or revenge–I just want the truth to come out & my good name cleared & the only way I can control that is to live a good life & slowly dispel all those lies about me. Having a good successful “After the A Life” will let people slowly see I’m not that horrible person he made me out to be.
Sorry to be so long but thought my story might help you in your situations.
Wow Debbi similar to my situation. My AH told lies about me all the time and still does. In the beginning people believed him because it was either people at the bar who did not even know me or people at work i did not know. But toward the end of our marriage as he drank more and more he was unable to keep up his facade. For example when we went to the BMX bike track where my sons raced bicycles everyone thought he was such a great father who knew so much about bikes and did so much for our boys but then as the years went on and they started to catch him swearing at us and threatening us when he thought no one was around or when they caught him pouring beer into his plastic cups at the track and then even later on when he started to increase his drinking at the tracks they would smell him and see him stumbling around and hear him slurring his words. He also started promising to help people out or help out the track and then failing to do so which he always tried to blame me and the kids when he did this. But then people started to see what he was really like. In the beginning of our divorce he tried to play like the perfect husband and father and tried to paint me as the crazy vengeful wife out to get him and brainwash the kids against him. It was not until i got recordings of the terrible things he was saying to me over the phone that the courts would believe me either. They did not even care at the time that he had a history of DV or Alcohol abuse or that the kids were begging not to have to visit with him. But after he showed up hung over and was tripping up over his own lies in the CPO hearing, now the courts are seeing him for what he really is. My chldren always called him The Poser and it is the perfect name for him, but even he cannot hold up the facade forever,
No one can. especially a drunk or a drug addict. eventually the addiction will be so far out of control they will not be able to control when they indulge. and the problem will become more and more evident to more people. don’t worry Debbie your day is coming!
the family secret thing I was telling you guys about was actually in al-anon pamphlet. the secrets and the lies and the fear and shame the whole family covers. but that won’t be for ever sooner or later there son or daughter or sibling will be completely out of control and quite evident.
Thanks Julie21–good to know others in my shoes where you had to record things to prove you were in fact the non-crazy one. Mine continues to keep up the facade & controls his drinking so no one ever sees it–I never even saw him drunk–I know his tolerance level was quite high.
Pez: Thank you–sure hope you’re right & my day is coming because tomorrow is the last day here for me–abandoning my house, lost job & no sale yet on the house. With cold weather here now I have to close it up and hope it sells soon & so I really have only one more day for “my day to come” otherwise I will never get to hear if the truth comes out about my ex because I will be thousands of miles away.
Debbi:
Never fear, the next woman, and there will be many, will see through him quickly. My A bf never stumbled in front of me during the almost 5 years I knew him. When he was at his other home 100 miles away, he would call slurring his words, etc. I knew he was drinking even more when he was away.
The woman who was with him for several years, wrote me letters (!), called me and left messages saying I was “dumb” to be dating him! The Police in two states have files on the constant stalking – I had to change my phone No., and also my internet site. How did she get all that?
I never answered her – she didn’t exist in my world – and, in time, she finally stopped. But, without her stalking me with information about him, I would have found out on my own.
Move, enjoy your new area – celebrate your life and future. There are millions on this Earth – you will meet someone in time, and this will be a memory you will want to completely forget.
Debbie, I know it’s hard but you have got to think more positive. Really think logically here. If a person is a drunk for years and it effects brain function year after year after year–how long do you think they can maintain their marbles?? Seriously. They will NEVER be truly happy, they will never have a good relationship because they will be found out and it will crumble, the best indicator of how the will be with the next one is how they were in the past (with you), it’s a cycle and he will continue to repeat that cycle!!!! Unless he wants sobriety and that’s a whole other monster. He will treat the next one just like he treated you in time, if not sooner. they are NEVER happy with anyone or anything, they are buckets with holes, nothing fills them up. Your thinking is not logical, you are still in depression. See it for WHAT IT TRUELY IS. your XAH & my XAB are going down to hell in a hand basket. Yes, I want justice NOW, but it won’t happen in my time. It will happen when it happens. You may not hear about it (hope you do though) but that does not mean it isn’t happening. Take the facts you’ve learned about alcoholism and apply it to his future! Doesn’t look good to me.
I am sure you are all interested in the 1st date after the X. It went well, He took me to a very nice place and was a gentleman. Not bad looking–average. I was a bit disappointed he talked more about himself and was more animated when he talked about him but a little board if I was talking which would not work for me. So, I will just be straight with him about it and see how he handles it and see if he responds positively. I want someone very interested in me for a change. Been with someone self-absorbed way too long : ). Not settling for anything less than what I want this time.
To C:
Your words helped remind me that I don’t need to see him drunk to realize the alcohol was causing problems between us. Thank you. I believe he was/is stalking me with mail and giving out my email but can never be sure as his family might also do this to me. In your case it was another woman that was stalking you–when did she make herself known to you and why? Was she seeing him after you or was she the one he dated before you? Just curious.
To Pez:
Glad you had a nice time out & you instantly recognized this is not someone you wish to pursue–that’s progress, recognizing what you want now–good girl!
Thank you also for helping me get my head back on straight. My situation seems different & that’s why I question everything. I never saw my ex drink to excess and the amount I saw him drink was never very much so his behavior never made sense to me. My depression is very real but it’s not all related to the ex–alot is because this sad story just keeps repeating with me–everyone walking away from me: husbands, son, family, co-workers, & some friends. Just like you I want to have what I want for a change but I realize I might be the cause for attracting this in my life so I am so trying to figure out my part in this and how not one aspect of my life over the years has gotten better, it all seems to get progressively worse: career, finances, friends, family, just about everything. I need to deal with my aspects for what I “bring to the table” that maybe also causing this. But I can’t explain all the emails, calls to my banks–I never seem to get the answers to know who is doing this?–ex, his daughter, his sister, mother because they have all done some crazy things to me that they would never do to someone else. Thus my depression due to feeling I have no control over my own life & everyone else seems to be pulling the strings of my life.
But always appreciate your kind words of encouragement. Wish me luck–tomorrow I head out and leave this state I have lived in for almost 40 years.
I hope this move does a world of good for you. I sometimes think I’d like to make a major move just to get away from this area (although it’s beautiful and I love it) just for a new start. My Xab lives here and his X wife (who is putting me off too? Have no clue why). Everyone knows Who he is, a liar and a drunk living with a low-life woman that’s been proven. everyone knows how he treated me and what he did but now, it seems, I am the bad guy or something else. Can’t figure it out but hope to hear someday? If this is the way they are going to treat another human being, this is not who I am, and I will cut them off too. The whole thing surrounding the A is dysfunctional and F’d up. It makes no scence and I’m tired of the dysfunction and games with all of them. It seems they become like the A, treating people with disrespect etc…I’m not going to maintain aqaintences with people who putt me off and lie–Had way too much of that and can’t tolerate it anymore.
PS. If they are believing lies from him–they are idiots!!! They saw it all and they are accountable. I think it’s more either family pride & secrets, giving in to his demands, fear of anger and retaliation with the parents. With the X wife it just may be she used me when I was with him for info and to look after the daughter and now has no use for me? or she’s in fear of loosing child support if I would report him for drunk driving or something, ie that I may do something, or the daughter is bonding with the ho and she doesn’t want to address it with me. Anyway if there is no appreciation for me I’m gone! They can all deal with future consquenses of his drinking with out my support.
Debbi:
Document any odd calls you receive, any mail items and if your internet site is flooded with spam, change it. The woman who stalked me stalked the woman who came after her! I was the second person he dated after leaving the mentally challenged nut!! She found a neighbor in his development and kept in contact with her after the breakup so she knew what he was doing in MD and PA! She wasn’t threatened by the woman after her, but when he met me all hell broke loose!! I have a wonderful life – lots of great friends, successful children, and I don’t need anyone to pay my bills. She was the opposite – he just got tired of it when he started meeting capable women.
But, the drinking continued no matter who he was seeing – so, you see, no one but the drinker is the constant and he blames the women in his life for everything!!! They had a chance to control the intake of alcohol and didn’t – it isn’t like all of us aren’t aware of the dangers of too much.
Pez if his family and any friends who are still his friends are practicing the same behaviors as he is (lying etc..) then it is much better for you to have them out of your life. I am thinking the same for me and my ex’s family. Yes it is a loss but only if they are healthy in mind and spirit and would be a supportive addition to your acquaintances. I am learning to cut off any negative people. They are not true friends if they are not supportive in the truth. But i understand it still hurts that it seems they are turning on you. I feel the same way.
Julie said, “They are not true friends if they are not supportive in the truth. But i understand it still hurts that it seems they are turning on you.”
I agree. But all the loss still sucks and People with a heart like me just don’t understand this type of crap. I am very loyal and very much about the TRUTH. Other people are not, they look out for their own best interest. I am not going to beat myself over the head trying to figure out WHY? I’m done with that. He is, by far, the biggest, Largest, perpetrator of all this hurt and pain. If the family wants nothing to do with me, they can continue to live with the way they treated me. My conscious is clear : ). It doesn’t “seem” as if they are turning on me–they are. Just very disappointed in them! I guess, I thought I meant more–guess not. But this too shall pass.
To Pez: I watched my exA & their daughter turn his back on his first wife–They just buried her yesterday–she died homeless & even her own sister not speaking to her because he had an affair with the sister while married to her. Even her own daughter stopped contact with her own mother & stuck by the A father. Once you are not part of the A’s life all his family, friends, co-workers have to cut you out too–unfortunate but true. You too need to do the same–No contact with any of them & that way less hurt.
To C: Thanks for answering my questions. Strange that his ex’s stalk the new ones even after they are no longer with the ex. I keep thinking my ex may be sending this stuff to me but it could be one of the women he had affairs with that did not get him after he broke with me & so they are taking it out on me. One started calling my house and leaving messages for him like they were best friends–I knew he wrote her off a long time ago but I guess she wanted me to think “she got him”–joke’s on her, she never had him! But there are some things I truly can’t explain unless it’s the ex because no one else would know certain things (ss#, date of birth, return to my maiden name). Just wanted my answers if him? and if so why? He got everything he wanted–he wanted away from me!
Debbi:
If you have not contacted him, and he thinks you are doing just fine without him, he will want to do anything to prove you are an awful person! That is in case you start to spill the truth about him. Family/children will only support him if he is giving them something! In time, you will see others go through similar situations and the answers will come to you.
Hope you have a wonderful weekend. Try to let the stress go, and enjoy being super you.
Yea, I know Debbie. It’s the only way to go for less hurt. I think this happens a lot in a normal divorce too. My Aunt said her XH (not a drunk) she lost all contact with his family and children too. It also happened to her In long term dating relationship when she was young and the mother loved her, but after the boy moved on the mother did too. It’s a family thing not just an A thing. Part of life that sucks. I wonder if we would be like that if the A was in our own blood line–I hope not. C what you said is probably very true for me too. I rejected him at the supermarket and he probably has been slandering me now he knows no going back still, if they believe him it’s only because he’s family. What he did was too evident to all and undeniable. But, people believe what they want to believe. It’s their son. The X wife, don’t know what got up her ass. But in the long run, it’s better this way. Just gotta get past the disappointment.
Pez it is like i mentioned in an earlier post about this issue. They are more concerned about themselves and how they “look” to the world or they want to deny the real problem because then they may have to face some realities about themselves in order to do the right thing. So much easier to jump on the bandwagon and blame someone else. Unfortunately we are the easiest targets. And now that we are bringing that out in the open i guess it is a blessing for sure that his family is not having any contact with us at all. It is just hard and our feelings are hurt to think that the grandmother did not even really care about her grandchildren and is cold enough to just turn her back on all of us and support her son as he uses their money to try to hurt us in court. Unbelieveable. And i am sure that they blame me for that too. I am sure the truth about what he is really doing is not something he is telling them either. I understand not wanting to put your son out on the street and homeless but to actively help him hurt his own children is something i know i would never do in that situation because i know myself and after what i have been through i could never forgive myself if i did something like that.
Love you guys and gals here. Thanx for all your love and support–it means soooo much. Someone that’s walked in your shoes. And I have to say, those ladies who joined me on facebook are Physically beautiful women. Amazing, why do we end up with addicts?? I hope more will join me Phyllis, Amy, lois, and Dale on facebook, it’s a blessing.
Hi, my name is Camille and I just wanted maybe some advice or tips. My XABF left me and my 4 boys 15 days ago. He was my best friend for 20 yrs and my lover for 3 yrs. He moved back to live with his family in ND. He didn’t call me for 10 days and then when he did of course he was all drunk. I have so much to share I don’t even know where to start. feeling so lost and alone and trying to keep it together for my kids. Any words of wisdom from people who have been through it would be so very appreciated.
thank you all for sharing your stories – it’s amazing that everything I read and thru therapy (someone trained in alcoholisim addiction and even NOT but just psych, therapist PHD’s, AA classes and even couples therapy all say the EXACT same thing. The A will always BLAME and sadly it will never change. i have NEVER written on a blog and find it so helpful to read similar stories. As I have heard in AA, how can our lives living with an alcoholic be similar??? it’s not a coincidence, millions of people have the same pattern (abuse, blame, rage, lies, depression, families not believing…. honestly the list is endless) it’s just a different story but at the end of the day, it’s the EXACT same pattern. I have realized through all my therapy, abuse, being blamed, LIES, that there is no reason to FIGURE this out. We are not the A, we live in a world that makes no sense and WE ALLOW it. After a while you start to even question yourself. Am I crazy and psychotic as he said? Was it my fault? Could I or should I have done it differently? It’s literally a merry go round. How can everything be YOUR fault and the A takes no responsibility? It’s a WASTE of energy, time and LIFE if you continue to try and figure them out. Like you’ve all stated, it doesn’t matter if you are there or if it’s someone else – the PATTERN will continue. The longer they stay in denial, the worse things get. Leaving is hard, the pain we’ve endured is even harder, but most of all finding PEACE and truth within yourself is what will set you free. (although easier said then done). Again, thank you all for sharing and confirming that I”m not alone, my story is my story, but always remember an A will ALL have the same smiliar pattern that has put us through hell and back. Here’s to getting out of this HELL, we can call do it – it’s called WALKING away and not spending time energy and focusing on they why’s or why not.
Great post Mary; I ditto everything you said 1000% . . as you said, our stories are different but the patterns are the same . . always!!
Last night I came home from work, my AH was stressing over his new job and what might be required of him; and even though he’s sober – it seems like “any” stress, just simple stress you and I don’t even fret about, sends him over the edge – and, since for 30+ years he’s only dealt with stress by drinking, it automatically throws him back into his old “dry drunk” behaviors . . I kept it together and got him to stop before things escalated . . but it was obvious he wanted a fight and some drama to release his feelings . . And I just read something Debbi just said back in November how if they think you are ok with what they are doing, then they do everything they can to make us out to be the bad guy and blame us . . THIS IS MY AH TO A T . . it’s hard to explain . . but if he says he’s going to do something . . i.e. go play golf, go see a friend, etc. and I just say ok that’s fine . . he doesn’t like that answer . . it’s like he doesn’t want me to be ok with it ???? WTF??? And then he’ll start in on me . . trying to push my buttons . . blaming me for weird stuff . . just makes no sense to me . . . and I have a serious question to ask all of you “DOES YOUR ALCOHOLIC ACT WEIRD??” I’m mean off the cuff just strange and odd . . . mine is so weird sometimes I almost feel he has to be an alien the way he looks at things . . any nuff said for now . . God Bless you all . .
Thanks Sandy – again, reading your response just reconfirms that we are NOT alone. It doesn’t matter what you say, how you say it or if you say NOTHING at all…. it will always be YOUR FAULT. Again, i have learned the HARD way (as we all have) there is NO point in trying to figure out how they think, how they can actually even think and do the things they do. It’s a disease and sadly it’s something we aren’t equipped to handle. I can’t even begin to tell you the countless stories that I have encountered with everything being my fault. NO matter if I say NOTHING or even how I say it, he will always turn it around on me. My therapist and AA have all stated, they honestly don’t think they are wrong. It’s sad to realize that people we love, trust and are married to don’t realize the pain they are enduring on their loved ones. But again, they too are in PAIN, SHAME, RAGE – we (fortunately don’t have this disease) but being involed with an A is one of the most challenging, excruiating, painful things I have EVER EVER endured in my life and I wish this on no one. And yes “DRY DRUNK” isn’t any better, they still act and feel the same way (sometimes I feel they are even more rageful and blaming when not drinking) Refreshing to know that we arent alone and yes, the pattern will continue and only STOP when and if they decide to take responsibility, deal with their demons and get out of denial (yes, easier said than done, but for people like us, it’s not even something I can remotely identify with) THANKS again for your reply – it helped me. Best to you!!!
Mary – you said something that I have to comment on “but being involved with an A is one of the most challenging, excruciating, painful things I have EVER EVER endured in my life” I could not agree with you more . . at this stage in my life I never expected anticipated or wanted to be in this situation but here I am . . and I’m the only one that can change it because I sure can’t change him . . only he can do that . . and I’ll be honest . . he has changed in some ways but man does he have a long way to go. And one other thing . . I totally agree that they can be meaner and angrier when sober than when drunk – can’t tell you how many times I’ve told him to go buy a bottle, drink it and pass out . . he just wears me down and I hate myself for going down that road but can’t help it . . a person can only take so much badgering and abuse . . anyway, 2015 will get better for us; God is on our side . .
They honestly don’t think they are wrong.
I have a friend that has said this for years and I did not realize that therapist and AA have all stated the same thing. They can be like watching a scary movie. Thanks for the confirmation.
I couldn’t t have said that any better and last night with my AH was a really bad possession movie with a man that turned into a demon. FYI he had a bad relapse, God help me . .
anyone have any recommendations when your A is so ADAMANT and of coure ANGRY and RAGEFUL on having his way. As we all know your damn’d if you do and your damn’d if you don’t. I’m in the process of trying to get out of my marriage and my A’s LIFE once and for all. As we all know, it doesn’t happen over night, but I am taking the steps and working on getting out of this CRAZY merry go round. Keeping my mouth shut doesn’t work, answering his questions don’t work, staying away doesn’t work, some how it always comes back to me being AT FAULT and being blamed and told that I’m not being rational or doing what he wants. I was even told that I need to be classy and take the high road, (it’s been years of pure CONTROL, CHAOS, rage, abuse, blame, depresson and anger – along with lies and deception) and yet I’m told to take the high road and be classy….. anyone out there ever deal wtih a 1 SIDED RULE? he makes rules up and states things and yet if you do it , it’s WRONG….how do people live this way? Again, pointless to dig deep and figure out why my AH’s brain works the way it does, wasted time and energy and frankly not worth it. I’m not even sure how he can’t even see his pattern continues with others. I just returned from travels, (very limited communication while I was gone) and yet he went on and on about his sister and his step-mother and how they are now infuriating him because of whatever he is not happy with. I didn’t respond, I just listened and again heard the same pattern of blame, anger and rage that he instills upon me. This blog has helped me tremndously (as I stated earlier – i have neer written on any blog) and find it comforting and extremely rewarding to hear others who are dealing with the same pattern, just a different story. Wishing this on NO ONE. thanks ALL.
i lived with an alocholic for 16 years i left my husband to be with him i thought i was so lucky to meet this wonderful guy ,, very soon i realized he was a Big drinker we had years of breaking up and getting back together all the fights were because of his drinking ,, he told me i was crazy and i believed him .. he finally stopped for two years and he was just the same,, it was all about him ,he went back drinking again this time i didn’t let him come home ,,my heart was broken because i loved him but being with him was making me ill … two years later i still care for him but i would never live that life again ,, i have moved on ,, im happy i have peace in my life,, i dont get lied to or cheated on or cursed at ,,, the freedom is priceless,, i have a new partner who is so much different from the drinker,, he respects me ,, my life is very different ,, nothing changes if nothing changes ,,, i changed myself he didn’t deserve a woman like me ,i didnt cause it i couldn’t cure it and i couldn’t control it.. as far as i can see alcoholics are all the same he blames me for the mess he made of his life .. now its all about me i take care of myself ,,
Thanks for sharing your (or part of your story) JANE – my story is soooo similar or should I say the pattern. I too married an alcholic years ago, we divorced (but my XH wasn’t anything like my current – no blame, no abuse, no lies, no depression, no anger, just drinking and on occassions and lack of responsibility – although he was and is still an alcoholic but NOTHING even remotely close to the patterns of an A – in fact he and I have become good friends and we also share a child together, so he will always be a part of my life) that being said, my current A Husband i’ve been with for almost 15 years, we married 3+ years ago and his ACTIONS, his life is 1 big merry go round of blame, lies, cheating, depression, RAGE abuse and control. When I met him, I didn’t see any signs of A, becuz he hid it and I never experienced the pattern of an A from my 1st marriage. When I met my current AH, he was kind and responsible, but people around me told me stories about him (not knowing he was a highly functioning alcoholic) i I have endured more than I thought was possible and yes we aren’t the CAUSE, we can’t CONTROL nor can we cure. It’s amazing how this disease takes away a persons dignity, humanity and integrity (again, no point in trying to figure out ) – i think the hardest thing of all for me is that I allowed my AH to take away my soul, my digntity and integrity. But i’m on the road to healing and taking the necessary steps to move on with my life and enjoy who I was and not what I’ve become and FIND my peace and sanity. Taking 1 day at a time, it gest easier when you realize that I am in control of me and finding myself and my truths is all that matters and taking my responsibility and not alllowing the DISEASE to overcome me as it has my AH and MILLIONS of others. THANKS JANE for your response….
What you said Mary “I allowed my AH to take away my soul, my dignity and integrity” really hit a hot button with me or rang a bell or however you want to say it . . I think this is the issue I’m struggling with the most . . not my AH’s behavior . . but MY behavior and the person I’ve allowed myself to become being in this relationship . . after an episode with him, I turn into this ugly foul mouthed angry mean person . . and that is NOT me . . I’ve never been this person before . . I’m a kind hearted, giving, loving, tolerant person . . and when he blames me cause I pushed his buttons . . I sit and 2nd guess myself even though I know down inside . . his drinking is not because of me, he drank 30 years before I met him – who did he use as an excuse then? I too am trying to get my mind put back together one day at a time . . and get back to feeling like I have control of MY life once more . .
Thank you Mary , very similar stories , I didn’t think the day would come when I would be happy without the alocholic , I know I did everything I could to fix things , I went to Aa with him I went to counsellors with him in the end the drinking won , I wouldn’t want that life for any thing it’s no way to live , I have some compassion but alocholics have choices , there’s a very self centred part of addiction that makes it ok for them to put themselves first , I took my power back and put the focus on my children and my self ,
hoping I can get some COMMENTS, RELIEF, VIEWPOINTS, SOMETHING from this post:
AH & I were both invited to a bday party tonite – (these gals went to school with my AH) but have become good friends of mine, we run, socialize eat (not often, but always invited by them) my AH has not said nice things about these women (shocking) he usually doesn’t say nice things about many- that being said he decides that me attending the bday party while he is going is a bad idea. My options are to go prior or him not going at all (and he already confirmed and paid for his meal for this party) i stated that I wanted to stop by, prior to dinner and not make it to the HH (not sure why he would feel uncomforable, we are both living in the same house still) other than the fact that he knows I KNOW that he has said mean things about these women (SEVERAL TIMES) and also that he’ll be drinking (which he has gone back and forth stating he knows he has an issue, blahl blah, blah) ok, so i stated I would NOT go and i would tell these bday gals (there are 3 of them) WHY i am not attending – again my AH went ballistic, why would you want to tell them WHY you weren’t going and ruin their bday – again, they know we have had a tons of issues (they’ve even stated they don’t think he’s very nice to me…. and now that I”m not going, I’m not even allowed to tell them the TRUTH… shocking i know)
here’s the text from AH (as he’s heading to the bday party now)
No your wrong, i didn’t get what I wanted, you didn’t get what you wanted, which was to be the person who got to be ver very very very very very (yes he wrote that many very’s) special and not have to play by the rules like anybody else. If i had gotten what I wanted, you wouldn’ve have chosen the 2 options that everyone else adhered to (which was a HH and a dinner) i wanted to stop by at the dinner and just say hi (not eating and was told that was fine… um, is there a protocol that a person can’t just stop by) –
continued text
And then I wouldn’ve chose the other oe. Or you could’ve chosen both and I wouldnt’ of gone at all
The only thing I didnt want was to be there sitting awkwardly when my pseduo ex wife (we aren’t even divorced and stil lliving in the same house) comes strolling in to become the life of the party for 30 minutes so she can graciously give an appearance and make everybody fell that the Princess has arrived and give her happy bday wishes.
Seriously tell me is it me? who writes that? oh, that’s right my AH (becuz he’s done and said a lot more) and it shouldnt’ surprise me and i’m learning that it isn’t about me, it still is HURTFUL and just untruthful.
Let me know what you think, this is a small issue, but helps to get feedback from any of you.
Thanks.
When is it time to LEAVE your AH? When your self worth continues to be questioned (even though you know it’s not about YOU?) when he gets so violent that it’s too late? When he blame his constant unhappiness ON YOU? No matter what I say, don’t say, or if I react, don’t react or get caught back into the on-going MERRY GO ROUND (which = the PATTERN) it will always be my fault. It doesn’t even matter if I say or nothing he will somehow find a way to manipulate and throw it back on me. I swear if I breathed wrong he would find some way to state that I was breathing air that causes him his unhappiness. AND YET? he wants me to be loving and attentive and be the duitful wife? No reason to question the insaneness of this all because that is what will constantly keep me engaged and in this pattern that is PURE HELL. So many wasted days, nights, minutes, years on someone that is in PURE deinal and is getting worse by the minute. Sadly, with my AH, he is not only RAGEFUL, BLAMING< DEPRESSED, ANGRY, but he is a narccistic man (i know they all tie in together) my therapist reminds me – IT's NOT ABOUT YOU, dont' let him get to you nor do you need to defend any of his antics. Sure we are all human and we as humans have needs and feelings but it's a waste of time energy and LIFE to constantly stay on this merry go round. NEEDED to vent purely because there is not a day that goes by that my AH is not YELLING and SCREAMING and raging at me for something that caused him to go off – which = his unhappiness.
Thks for all the posts,so helpful to read that I am not alone with my alcoholic husband. I am at the end of my tether, at least a decade of drinking which has progressively got worse.Now he no longer speaks to his children,blames me for everything.I have completely isolated myself because of the embarrassment of inviting anyone to our home,as I don’t know what state he’ll be in that particular day.Yet for up to a week/10 days he can be all sweetness and light and them, boom,he’s back on the bottle again for no reason and another 2 weeks of hell ensues.I’m at the point where I want to start divorce proceedings but I cannot get out of my head that I’m abandoning him and he will simply worsen and die and will I be able to ever feel happy again knowing that I left him to ,effectively die? Has anyone else experienced this and how did you deal/not deal with it? Thanks
Carole, bless your heart. I understand how you feel and I wish I had something to tell you that would make everything okay – but I don’t. I do have something for you to think about where your guilt about leaving your drunk is concerned. Honey, if you died today, he’d find someone to begin being his crutch tomorrow. Never have understood how drunks do that – finding someone to take care of all the details of real life that they don’t want to deal with. Your drunk of a husband will get by. Drunks always do. They find someone else to suck down into their personal hell, and he’ll make THEM responsible for everything that he doesn’t like and everything that’s gone wrong in his life. They always do. Yes, drunks are notorious for being the most charming people on the planet. But, hey – so are psychopaths, ya know? They’re great manipulators, and they make a life’s work manipulating the people who come within their orbit.
As for feeling like you’re letting him die if you leave, I have a question for you. Who died and left you responsible for the universe? Your husband is a grown man. He may not behave like an adult, but by law, he is one. We’re all going to die. Drunks hasten the process by their choices. Your husband being a drunk isn’t something you have the power to fix. There’s no magic wand you can wave to make it all better.
Imagine what your life will be like in another 10 years. Do you want a better life or more of the same, only worse? Worse is pretty much what you can guarantee you’ll have if you don’t make a effort and get out. I’ve been there. I’ve done that. January was 3 years ago. It hurt like hell, and still does in some small way. But overall, my life is better without my drunk in it. Yes, I still love him. No, I’d never go back. I left before I allowed his drunken behavior completely destroy me. HE didn’t do it, I did, by allowing him to treat me like that, then defending him and rationalizing my spinelessness, all in the name of “love.” Honey, that wasn’t love, and what you’re living with isn’t love, either.
Begin to do what you need to do for your life, health and sanity. The good souls here on this site will support you and help you along your way. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
Carole/Sally – thanks for sharing. It helps when you hear that you are not alone. I agree iwth Sally – LEAVING is the only option. They won’t change and even if they do, (with all due respect) this disease continues. Sober, Dry Drunk, Drunk, functioning – it’s still a disease. I am finally at the point in my life to WALK and HEAL and move on. Life is hard enough as it is and it’s short, to be in this type of cycle Merry Go Round is exhausting and so painful. It took me a long time to actually realize that what I was doing was part of the pattern. Defending, having a voice, feeling, hurting, all = ARGUING to the A. They project and blame and it astounds me (even with the cruelest things I’ve endured) how this person I married, thought was my best friend, LIES, CHEATS, ABUSES and let’s not forget depressed, rageful, drinking, sober, dry-drunk can think EVERY sngle thing in his life and his actions are MY FAULT. But the more you think and defend and try and justify the more you fall back into the pattern. I wish this on NO one and I thought I was smarter than this (not being hard on me) but it’s kind of hard not to, you try, you change, you take the brunt, you live in excruiating pain and ask yourself, WHO AM? How could I let my life get this bad. I need to remember from years of therapy, Alanon, friends, family, blogs, it’s not about US – despite the fact that this disease affects those that are smack right in the middle. Stay strong Carole – take one day at a time – it gets better, but you need to think about YOU and your life and howthere is NOTHING you can do about him or the disease (that sounds very unempathetic, but look around, your not alone..)
Thank you so much Sally and Mary.I know that everything you say is true and I need to keep reading that to get it into my brain! I am so cross at my lack of courage to not have done something about his drinking by now. In all other aspects of my life I am a strong person but for some reason I find it so very difficult to tear myself away from him. I just wish someone would whisk me away from all this and I wouldn’t have to endure the weeks/months that I will have to go through when he will get that dreaded letter from my solicitor, and then the time I will still have to be with him while I try to sell this house. That will drive him completely over the edge . But what ,as you say ,si the slternative. I have pleaded with him to get help but he seems to think he can do it on his own. Sometimes he can ,for a week or so but then it’s back to sleeping all day in the armchair,going out to buy more booze, lying in bed for half a day, lying in the bath for 2 hours (!!)I’m doing everything for my teenage daughter and am exhausted,he can’t drive as he lost his licence ,I really don’t know what would become of him, but I must try to understand that that is not my problem anymore. He’s also 10 years older than me ,67, and has no interests or friends anymore. Thank you for listening, I am so glad I found this site. Carol x
Hello everyone,
I have posted on here several times and I have been through a lot. I sometimes can write a book on what is going on with my AH and what mean nasty disrespectful thing he has done yet again, but this time I don’t have it in me to write a whole lot. I just want to ask a few questions…
#1 Why am I always made to look like the bad guy(gal)? I tried to have a discussion with my AH’s sister today about him now being in detox and his drinking and behavior since there are plenty of nights that he didn’t come home and she was somewhere in the mix of him out and getting drunk. She tells me I am too hard on him and that he’s grieving and to add insult to injury… She mentioned that he told her that I don’t understand him! So, here I am the WIFE! that is home all day and night except for when I have to work, taking care of the baby and walking on eggshells and being filled with anxiety and being constantly abused emotionally and mentally and sometimes verbally. I try to be the supporter knowing my husband has this alcohol disease and other issues but I am also human and I can’t be a doormat! How am I being hard on him? I should of left him months ago when I found out he cheated on me plus numerous of other disrespectful acts while caring for a newborn who is now 9 months old! I am still here trying to forgive and love and move on… I do harbor some resentment and pain and confusion but I am praying constantly about this and try not to act my feeling out towards my husband… I am just really hurt after hearing what his sister is saying, I feel defeated! How should I react to this and what should I say and do since we are to talk again tomorrow.. My husband may be coming home from detox tomorrow so I don’t want this conversation to get back to him… I know he won’t take it well… I am soooo tired!!!!
#2This is my husband’s second time going to detox. The first time he called everyday twice a day. This time he only calls at night around 9 or 10pm. He says he loves me and just wanted to hear my voice and say goodnight… Only thing is when he is not in detox and out getting drunk and not coming home he never calls home to talk to me or to check on the baby. Why is he calling now and why does he wait all day to call? I just feel like he really doesn’t love me anymore nor does he want this marriage since he confides a lot of half truths and full lies with his family and friends… It seems like he is just trying to build a case against me and what better audience then friends and family… All enablers! I’m tired of his folks telling me he’s a grown man(52) and he will do what he wants to do and will stop drinking when he is ready…I am the one that knows how sick he gets everyday from the drinking causing his diabetes and high blood pressure to spiral out of control! Excuse me for trying to intervene with some type of tough love because I don’t want to lose my husband!
#3 What should I do? I sometimes feel like filing for divorce but then I feel like I haven’t tried hard enough or that maybe I am not giving him the chance to change? I hate the phrase that is taught in treatment that he seems to be comfortable with.. “Relapse is part of getting better”
I guess I ended up writing a book after all! Please help!!!!
Hi Patricia – I don’t have any words of wisdom, nor am I even close or qualified or equipped to address you situation or pain. But do know this – this is a DISEASE and this disease hurts others (especially the people that are the closest) I too have the SAME patterns but my story is different. What does that say? It states the we are not alone, we are no unqiue and we involved with AH os anyone that has this horrific disease will be part of a pattern that will never get better or change UNLESS the A take accountability and responsibility. Who knows what goes on in their minds and their rational for things that they do or don’t do. (sadly, when you are intertwined with an A) you will continue to walk on egg shells, ride that merry go round and defend, justify, lose your soul, lose your sanity (the list is endless) REMEMBER this is not about us, it’s about them. This disease causes so much pain, unanswered questions, rational and we being part of the A’s life (especially if they are your AH) also get caught into the disease. If you keep quiet, it’s wrong, if you take the blame it’s worng, if you ignore it it’s wrong, but honestly WE ARE HUMAN beings, we were not put on this earth to be dumped on, treated with disrespect, blamed, raged at, abused (physicall or mentally) and yet the AH only sees their own deluisonal sick narccistic sselfsih ways as being the RIGHT WAY THE ONLY WAY and God help you if you don’t agree or try and defend yourself. I can’t tell you what to do, because I myself have been struggling with what I know is the truth. Life is going ot pass us all by, and do we want to continue hoping praying and thinking things will really change? (even when they are sober, they aren’t nice, the find a way to manipulate, put the owness on you or others so they don’t have to see who they truly are) Remember again, this is not about you and no matter how we try we will eventually lose our souls and our own pride (if we haven’t already) we can just take 1 day at a time and realize this isn’t what we were put on earth for and certainly are we equipeed to take the emotional roller coast ride. LOVE yourself, your child and think about your needs and what is best for you and your life. I wish you strength and know that you are not alone. Take care!!!
It’s very true I was married to a drunk for ten years best thing I done was walk away and divorced him yes I do still suffer and got a lot of anger in me for everything he done they don’t care about you all they think about is them self’s and you are right they just hit on there next victim I do blame myself at times for letting him in to my home and let him verbally abuse my kids because I used to feel sorry for him with all the story’s he used to come out with bug that’s what there good at there manipulating there lies and they believe there own lies it took me a very long time to walk down the street because of him but not anymore he was the one with the drinking problem not me u just feel sorry for his next victim that he has hit on and her kids they have it all now I even had him done fir drink driving twice and he was put in prison for it and it didn’t stop him so you are all right they don’t change there vile people and they dont give a shit who they drag dowm with them so hear it’s the best thing I done was got rid
Hi,
I am very sorry for the pain and very traumatic time that you are going through. I can identify because I have been in a similar situation except my AH who also used marijuana never sought help. He died several months ago because he was unable to stop drinking and smoking even after having a heart attack when he was only 53 years old. Alcoholism is a terrible disease that hurts the alcoholic and his loved ones. The behavior of the alcoholic is bad and unacceptable but it is a struggle and a battle each day for him battling with addiction. I believe he does love you but is controlled by his addiction. Focus on you and your child and pray. Say the serenity prayer every day and hope that your AH will find sobriety before it is too late. He is sick. Let go and let God take control. I do not mean leave him. I went through terrible sufferings in my 17 year marriage to my AH husband because of the addiction and I felt he was hurting me but it was not about me. He is gone but my children and I still hurt. Please join an alanon group and turn your life and will over to God I hope that you know that you are not alone and you can find peace and show love and compassion and the face of all difficulty. When an alcoholic is drinking, the only thing that matters is the drink. Perhaps while in detox, he is able to think of you and his child and reach out. Do not judge him.
Ann
It would be one thing to subject yourself daily to the disfunction, but now YOU (he is incapable) are responsible for a child and need to do whatever you need to do to protect them from this horrible disease. Otherwise the pattern will continue in their life. Do you want this misery for them? If having a beautiful child hasn’t compelled your AH to change n stay changed, nothing will. Youtube narcissist, you’ll find understanding for your own peace of mind along w all this awesome info at Alcoholics Friend. Al-Anon has also given me eyes to see again and the human support… before I was brought to distruction. Find your SHINE again so your child can live their best life. God’s love and light to you!
Patricia, I truly understand where you are coming from and where you are now. It seems that the Alcoholic will take advantage of you all the time. They make you feel like you are the problem. If you dare to try an express your feelings you are so wrong. Feeling any kind of way about your situation is a crime in their eyes. They make you feel like you are supposed to accept and let them do whatever it is they want to do. I have been in my situation for far too long. I can’t tell you why I have allowed this to go on this long. I am at the point where I am so tired. I want to be happy and I want my child to be happy. You, we or us do not deserve to live in someone else’s misery. Why should we be unhappy because of their issues? It is one thing if you have someone that is really trying to change or really seeking help. I know if my husband heard the words “Relapse is a part of recovery” he would eat it up. He will drink until he couldn’t drink anymore. I to can write several books on my situation with him, but I no longer see why their would be a need. I just want to be free from his ways and have to start my planning today. I hope and pray you all can see your worth and free yourself from this life. God does not mean for us to live this way. Take care!
I read these stories and so many familiarities I see and hear and my wonderful husband turned to alcohol as well and it has ruined our wonderful family. It is always good to see you are not alone in this disease yes ? But their are many diseases and choices within all of them. If you have Cancer you seek help ? If you have a heart attack you seek help, if you are an alcoholic you have enough times we all close to them see of clarity to get help as well so living in it for 10 years now I see many many opportunities for him to get help so I don’t buy this label of disease that makes us all feel like OH
Patricia, I too am going through the same thing the only difference is it is my boyfriend of 3 years also my long time best friend and I have my own children not with him. I understand your pain leaving and going and having worrying about the AH while they are gone and detoxing in program calling me so much but when he is drinking not calling at leaving me stressed out not knowing what’s what. I am tired as well I don’t know why I am been in this relationship with this person so long I ask myself everyday. I don’t like the arguing and the way he makes me feel and blames everything on me. Well here’s Some pointers I have learned with communicating with an AH just listen and not argue back no point say “Sorry that you feel that way” and this seems to work a little or go into another space. We all are in this together I am trying to get stronger for myself and not be and enabler and give tough love as well it is ok even when you think its not to give tough love. Take care of you and the your baby We do not deserve this God will see us through! God bless Take Care!