Blaming Others for Their Problems


One of the behavior patterns of an addict is blaming others. Alcoholics are not exempt from this character defect. It’s not until people get into recovery that they begin to grasp what it means to take responsibility for their own behaviors.

Why do people with addictions do things such as judge and criticize others?

Basically, someone who is struggling with an addiction has a very difficult time looking at the real person on the inside. It’s easier to point the fingers at everything and anybody who can take the blame rather than them having to.

What accompanies the blame game that the alcoholic doesn’t really realize they are playing with family and friends?

Alcoholic Pointing FingerWell, generally there is anger that goes along with the alcoholic who is blaming others for their problems. They will get mad at the power company for turning off their power and say that they are unjust, even though the electric company gave them a one month grace period. They will blame their spouse for the pool being filled with green algae because they did not have any money to purchase chlorine. Yet, every day they were able to purchase two packs of smokes and a twelve pack of beer.

It’s not an uncommon thing for them to imply that they told someone a particular thing when they never did, just to get themselves off of the hook.

Deep down inside they really don’t want to be the way that they are, but the power that the alcohol has over their lives greatly affects their behavior. They will even blame the outcome of things to be related to the alcohol that they consume. This may be very true, but using alcohol as an excuse is not ever acceptable behavior.

How to deal with an alcoholic who is constantly blaming others for their problems

I would highly suggest that the phrase “I’m sorry you feel that way” become a part of your daily lifestyle when you are conversing with an addict who is constantly blaming everything on others. If the blame is directed toward you, this phrase is a mighty tool to deflect things right off of you when they do this. You will find several other phrases here: Communicating With An Alcoholic.

By saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” it keeps us from reacting to the lies that they throw at us. If they are blaming us for the pool being green with algae, instead of us defending ourselves and pointing the finger at them, by saying: “well, if you didn’t spend all of your money on beer…”, we put an end to the thing immediately by communicating more strategically.

When we react to the blame game, then there is just too much room for an argument. Trust me, things will be a lot quieter around the house if we do not confront the lies that accompany the blame they hurl upon us. This is all apart of learning how to handle an alcoholic.

It’s a rare thing for addicts or alcoholics to take responsibility for the things that they are personally doing wrong. They feel so bad about themselves already because they drink all the time that somehow blaming others for all of their problems helps them to feel OK about themselves. The best thing that can be done, if you are coping with someone who is constantly blaming others for things, is to adapt my favorite saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

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355 comments to Alcoholics Blaming Others for Their Problems

  • Francesca

    Karen: thank you for posting how well you are doing. I too, finally had broken up with my ABF in December. Trying to move on and for the most part, through yoga, meditation, therapy and friends do but he continually reaches out to me and stirs things up. For weeks I didn’t respond to an email or text and blocked him at one time from my phone. He has been convinced that he misses me even though he broke it off, wants to get back together, etc. Ive said no for obvious reasons.

    Here’s the part I am hoping I can get past: he blames me for people thinking he has a drinking problem even though he’s been like this for 18 years, 2 divorces, and a list of issues. I feel guilty and sad about this. I am so grateful to have the strength nor desire to be with him but his emails and texts haunt me of this terrible and abusive relationship. He’s mean in half of them, blames everyone for everything including me and then flips it saying he only recalls a loving and special relationship. A master manipulator. I am trying to run like heck but I don’t even get the brandade secured before he rips it off the wounds so to speak. We live in Chicago so I run into him from time to time. Any advice in dealing with the blame game will help. Francesca

  • Debbi

    To Laura:
    I wish I could believe your kind words that one day my name will be vindicated by what my ex did but I am even having to explain myself at my job because his sister still works here after I helped her get a job and she puts out such awful rumors about me I have been called to the table by the owners several times since the start of the divorce. I just feel people like him and his family always get off “scott free” so to speak so I have no hope left and my “higher power” has become something I have no respect in when I cannot even get simple answers.

    To Ross: It seems like you totally understand my feelings so you most definitely went through or going through the same thing and I don’t know about you, but I just want my final answers to close this chapter. I guess I’m trying to put some reason why a man I loved, my husband could actually stand there & tell me he hoped I had breast cancer, died because he could find some with larger (you know what) and left me during my biopsy’s & radiation. Later I ended in the hospital again for radiation after another tumor found in my brain and he did go find someone with larger ones. I was infuriated I had to lie to the hospital & tell them my ride was waiting out front, drive myself home (2 hour ride) when I wasn’t supposed to drive after my surgery and guess where my lovely husband was? Someone mentioned how “inhumane” they are. I believe it to be true but why is that whether drunk or sober they act this way or even after recovery. Not the Alcohol?

  • sc

    Debbi, The first thought that came to my mind was….
    something bad is going to happen to him.

    I’m so sorry for your hurt and sadness. He will do the same kind of things to the next person. Stay true to yourself and that will help you stay uplifted.

  • sc

    SC:

    I sincerely hope nothing bad happens to him–I do not seek revenge. My only concern is my recovery: mentally & physically. That & hoping for some answers to close this and move on like I see so many of you doing. I wish I had all your strenth & others that I see from this site that have been mentally able to move on.

  • Laura

    Hi Debbi,
    I wanted to say something to what you mentioned in your last post. You said how an A’s act that way, drunk or sober…even after recovery. I truly believe after what I witnessed with my own A that after I found out that he actually did quit drinking over a month ago…but even though he stopped, he was still blaming, angry, and just had that “ick” about him, and that was really all the way up to that last week I talked about in my post. When we were talking a few days ago when he came over I asked him if he asked God for help or had asked God to save him from the way he had been living. He told me yes, that he had started reading the emails I had been sending him and about a week ago he actually prayed to God and asked him to save his soul, stop drinking for good, and help him live right. I truly believe with all of my heart that when the alcoholics and drug addicts and even just plain mean people that aren’t addicts…that if you do not have God in the center of your life and don’t have God in your heart, having faith in Him – that a person will be miserable, will have things constantly go wrong, having problem after problem, will be unhappy, try and cause others, even loved one’s to be miserable and unhappy just like they are…until they too ask God for His help and to come into their heart, and truly mean it. Obviously, your A does NOT have God in his heart or he would never have done the things he did to you and treated you. Please don’t let his lack of faith and goodness in his heart make you feel any less about yourself. God knows what you went through with him…and has wonderful things for you going forward, I just know it from listening to your story. I also agree with SC about not seeking revenge, just pray for him and feel sorry for him…and God will reward “you” with blessings for that! Stay strong and have faith! Still keeping you in my prayers, and I would love to hear sometime how you’re doing. My email is laurafrey2000@yahoo.com (even if you just need someone to listen). Hugs!
    Laura

  • Nikki

    It’s been exactly 12months for me since my ah went on a violent rampage and walked out on myself and our 3 girls.
    My life 1 year later is so much more peaceful. I am still haunted by his controlling, manipulative ways but as more time goes by I’m sure the will quieten.
    I have recently met a beautiful person who is showing me that relationships can actually be enjoyable and fun. Its taking me a bit to get used to someone with a caring nature, someone who is positive and nice to me … I’m enjoying but taking it slowly as I was with ah for 12 years. There are nice people in the world … I had forgoten that !!
    There was no hope for the ah , even when he was trying threatening ways to get back with me, I would mention his drinking, he would reply with “you knew how much I drank when you met me” … Again blaming me , as that was my choice to be with someone who had no intention of changing self destructive ways. He would still mow me down even when trying to make things “work” …
    There was no chance of survival in our relationship. I chose myself and 3 daughters to live a life without trying to please him (failing everytime) and living on egg shells … AND what a better path we are on!!!

    God cannot help a person who chooses to run with the devil.
    Laura your partner chose to help himself which is awesome I wish you the best.

  • Laura

    Hi SC,
    I just wanted to say that my gesture goes out to you as well. I have overcome a LOT of things over this past year and also from 2006. I have learned so much about myself and how to be truly happy and love “yourself” no matter WHAT anyone else is saying or doing, or “trying” to do to you!! When you can do that…your life completely changes!
    So if you would ever like to communicate via email, my address is above. My prayers are with you as well!
    Hugs,
    Laura

  • sc

    Debbie, When I said, my first thought was, something bad is going to happen to him. I did not not and do not mean seeking revenge. I have never seeked revege on anyone, it’s not part of my make up.

    What I was saying. Sometimes we hear things that other people do that hurts our heart and we get that deep feeling (not thought)of…wow, something bad is gonna happen to you. Karma.

    And the comment, he will do the same thing to the next person.
    I was trying to say it’s not about you, it’s about him.
    My xah said alot of things that were below the belt (I would think to myself, how do you say something like that to someone??), that still makes me cry to this day.

    I do not have alot of strength. My x left me over a year ago
    and I,m still hurt. I too, have no one. My father was a dry drunk, I was the scapegoat, my sister still trys to treat me like a scapegoat (I stay away because of it) and my mother passed away in 99. I did not grow up with aunts, uncles, cousin…. I do have some friends that really care about me. One of them I can talk to about everything. But it makes it harder when you don’t have a large close family.
    I do watch Oprah’s station and Dr. Drew for my therapy. Very helpful info.

  • Laura

    Hi Nikki,
    You’re very right about that, He can’t help anyone that has made that choice…unless they turn from it and ask Him into their life. That’s awesome that you have found a good person that treats you and your children well! Thank you, I am SO happy that mine did make the right choice. But the good thing too, was that I was finally in a good place and that I gave it to God and decided that no matter what happened…even if he never made that choice, that I accepted it as His will. That was HUGE for me!! 😉
    Many Blessings,
    Laura

  • Debbi

    SC
    I know in my heart your comment was not hoping something would happen and neither would I. You showed you have a heart but Karma is a tough thing for me to swallow because then I have to think my gosh what did I do to deserve the bad karma I’m getting. And I too still cry over the hurtful words that were said to me sometimes just out of the blue for no reason.
    Laura:
    Thank you for your email & I will definitely reach out. That was very thoughtful. I have lost my faith right now and find myself angry at God because of health & other problems in last 5 years
    But I keep plugging along & reading all the hopeful stories you all share.

  • leesa

    My friend makes excuses, at one time he said his probation officer would not allow him to go to school, after he finished his probation, his grandmother gave him money for school so he could get his basic, now he sits at home and drink all day, waiting for the first of the month. Yet believes he is the smartest person on earth, he’ll buy carpenter pants and become a Carpenter. He’ll write a few pages and get upset because no one will publish his book. He has no respect for anyone.

  • leesaf

    My friend makes excuses, at one time he said his probation officer would not allow him to go to school, after he finished his probation, his grandmother gave him money for school so he could get his basic, now he sits at home and drink all day, waiting for the first of the month. Yet believes he is the smartest person on earth, he’ll buy carpenter pants and become a Carpenter. He’ll write a few pages and get upset because no one will publish his book. He has no respect for anyone, for example he will take something small from a conversation, and built a story around it, and try to intimidate you with his so called knowledge. He said that he has a high IQ he took the Mensa test. After researching this test, I come to realize that the test has math subject, in which he can’t do math @ all. I don’t know how to help him, but to let him be, and give it to Jesus

  • C

    You have been a friend and all that you try/tried to do doesn’t have any good results. It is important for you to concentrate on your happiness. He may never wake up – I know a lot of people who drink a lot and it is the same year to year – they are married.

    I am so glad to be able to find the information necessary to go forward – the A’s can find support if they want it.

  • karen

    Diana and others,
    Wow, that was a blunt statement about the “alcoholic loser”. Yes it is true that they blame others for their issues. I know that all too well. I have no sympathy for the A person myself.
    I cannot worry about their issues. The focus is now on me and to fix me and ‘ME’ is the most important person.
    I am learning to move on and some days are better than others.
    Some of my ex-A friends live in the same complex that I do and I have also learned to avoid them because they do not see that he has a drinking issue…why…because they have drinking and drug issues and do not see any problems. They have even hinted to me that maybe I may have contributed to his “blame game”….seriously…you have got to be joking.!!!!!
    So I said bye-bye to them also.
    It is ok to be angry, but do not let the anger consume you. Hook up with friends and family and learn how to laugh and smile, it is very therapeutic.
    Have a great day.
    Karen

  • Debbi

    Great Advice Karen–Your posts always come through when I am struggling with that very same issue. Thanks again.

  • Sheralee

    I was in a relationship with an A, and after a year of many drama’s, doubt’s, hurt, deception’s I realised how I had given over my power to him, allowed him to manipulate and infiltrate my mind, life and friendships. I walked away many times, but kept coming back with text’s, showing up, like nothing had happened. Apologies would often follow, and there were so many times where I would feel guilty for not being happy, or even trusting of him. Finally I took responsibility for my happiness and decided to detach from him. It has not been easy, yet I did find researching information on A behaviors, traits etc…and found I was not alone, yet I did feel more empowered to trust my instinct’s. Each day I is easier, I still have a long way to go, but am starting to see light at the end of the tunnel.

  • karen

    Good morning Sheralee and other readers,

    The blame game is all too real and I experienced the same thing over and over again. I even began to doubt myself, but deep inside my inner voice told me better and to detach ASAP, which I did.
    I have been away from the AB for 6 months now and it has been a struggle and some days are better than others.
    But I truly know that I am much better off. There was no future for me or us. I lost valued friendships, neglected my family and most of all neglected myself.
    But of course I am the bad person according to him…his thoughts not mine.
    The drama and kaos that went with the relationship was way too much and I found my mind totally consumed by this, now I have peace, quiet, and serenity. I keep myself busy and have learned to laugh again and enjoy being with just me.
    Have a great day and take care.
    karen

  • Sheralee

    I have started going to al anon meeting’s, it helps being around like minded people who have experienced similar personality types, who keep holding on after you have communicated your boundaries. I also know I was right in removing myself from a very toxic relationship, due to being educated by his family, his ex but also his beautiful children. Friends have noticed I am smiling more in the last 3 weeks, that I am more certain of the choices I made, however that is not to say some day’s I am flat. Each day brings fourth new experiences and healing 😉 Take care everyone.

  • Therese

    Just stumbled upon this gift of a website this evening after a rare but hurtful fight with my eternally-recovering AH. I’m reminded once again of the life-long journey of his recovery and while he has embraced AA (now more by doing daily meditations than by attending meetings) and continues to work with a sponsor albeit less frequently than before, that hurt and shame are still just below the surface at times. He was really in trouble exactly 4 years ago…Xanax mixed with alcohol created a living nightmare for me and the rest of his family. After a week of inpatient and some stormy emotions during early recovery, he has become a loving partner. He’s traded cigars for alcohol, but I’ll take that. He has a sickness/disease which he is managing. I’m grateful as is the rest of his family. But the thing that remains is that he needs his loved ones to operate only within a constricted range of emotions when it comes to working through issues with him. The main players here are his daughter, his mother and me (none of whom received an apology for his behavior while drinking…even though his ex-wife got two handwritten pages of an apology). He can be an incredible emotional manipulator and I, in particular, have learned not to take the bait when he starts his projections. Today, he made mention that if thus and such a stress continued for him, it would affect his sobriety. He might as well have said that if thus and such a stress continued for him, he would have an affair with another woman as it hit me as the same level of betrayal. I left to run errands, allowed myself to cool down, thought a lot about my feelings, allowed for my own reactivity and much later approached him in what I know was a gentle way about how even him saying that in passing or frustration sends a shock through my body. What ensued was a projection rampage of epic proportions. It was hurtful, but I knew it was his stuff, not mine. That knowledge helped to anchor me. I saw a post here, the wording of which really helped me and I know will help me as he comes off of his drama. That post suggested using the words “I’m sorry you feel that way” as I know that he will try to manipulate me out of my feelings and into saying I’m sorry. I am sorry he feels this way and I am sorry that he still fights these occasional demons, but I didn’t cause those demons and I have feelings too…over four years I have learned that my feelings have value as well. My heart goes out to those still dealing with loved ones who drink or are still in those early days of recovery. I hope that our family is never back there as it was so very painful. I wish all of us peace, love and comfort as we hang onto our selves during this journey of our own right to be fully human and have feelings. It’s a threat to the alcoholic to experience us in this way, but, well, as unempathic as this may sound…TOUGH! We all have feelings too and I’m sure a lot of us get very tired from choosing our words so carefully and walking on eggshells. Thank you for listening and may God bless all of you.

  • Found this site surfing the web, and I am amazed at how my life mirrors all of you. I have been married to mine for 23 years now. I have endured the blame, criticism, put downs, abusive temper, broken possessions, it got to the stage where I would dread coming home in the evenings. So I have only just now come to the stage where I can take it no more and have made the decision to move out. My A has only just admitted recently he has a problem, but that is as far as it goes. He is not ready to take it on and try and dry out yet. After my eldest child began following in his foot steps I know I have to leave to save my daughter from the same fate. As much as he is nasty to me, why do I find it so hard to leave? Is it possible to love someone but not like them at the same time? I am in turmoil but I know this is how it has to be. We have been together all our lives, so I am terrified of going it alone, but I know I have to do it to save my sanity. Reading all your comments in this forum has given me so much hope and strength, and made me realise it is not my fault, as I had believed all these years. Thank you to each and everyone of you (special thanks to Karen) for bearing your souls to help others xx

  • Marina

    I know there hasn’t been a post on here for a long time, but I just found all you lovely people and I thank each and every one of you for your stories. They give me much needed light in the midst of my darkness. The constant fights and blame have reduced me to literally shaking with fear tonight (no tears, just trembling),it’s so bad I can’t drive…. Instead of compassion I get this little gem of a comment: “Since you can’t control how afraid you are of me, you should be able to understand why I can’t control my anger at you.” This really hurt me at first, but now after reading all these stories, I find it laughably absurd. Those addict leaps in logic! So not worth responding to. I am going to just read a book until I am calm enough to get behind the wheel. Thank you, again.

  • Justin

    Hi all. Today is my one year anniversary of being free from my ex (alcoholic ) fiancé. I am a new man and happier than ever! Stat strong. There are GREAT people out there ready to share there love and happiness with you. The hardest part is finally leaving and starting new. They will try every way in the book to keep you around and bring you down. Now that I’m not involved with her anymore, looking back, I can’t believe I allowed myself to endure 5 years of misery, heartache, frustration and sadness hoping she will change. Thank a God I found alanon and this website. It helped me heal. God bless you all!

    J

  • Julie21

    Wow Justin thank you for sharing. that is wonderful to hear. Great job! I am so happy I left too. It has been almost 2 years since i kicked him out and they have been made more difficult by divorce and visitations withthe children. But our lives are sstilll 100% better than the daily life with him. In my case he was not just an addict/alcoholic but an abuser also. And i don’t mean abusive when drinking i mean abusive all the time and made worse by drinking. I stayed for 20 years at first because i fell into his trap that it was all my fault and I spent all my energy tryignt o get him to love me like i thought he loved me when we first met. Then it was becasue i did not want to desert him when i thought i could help him to get better for his addiction. However, wehn i realized how much it was hurting my children and that i could not protect them as much as i thought i could, then we left. And our freedom and our value in ourselves is returning and we are enjoying our lives.
    Marina, my heart sinks when i read your post. I have been in a similar situation with my ex. He was very scary and i was trembling from nerves very often and he laughed at my fear. I feel afraid for you and i wish you could get away from him physically. I want you to understand that if he is like my ex he knows how to manipulate you and to keep you under control. You must break out of that. Get help from anyone whom you can trust. I would look for a women’s shelter or group in your community. My support group for battered women helped me a lot and unscrambled the tangled web of living with an abuser. The fact that he turned your fear around on you and took no responsibility for his actions is a huge red flag that you need to get away. I realize that this is difficult for so many reasons and that is why i recommend seeking outside support(family, friends, a women’s shelter or group). Caution though to make sure that anyone you confide in can be trusted not to let him in on your confidences. If children are involved beware because he may soon turn on them too. I want you to know I understand how scary it can be and how helpless you can feel but I want to help you even if it is just to let you know how i escaped. God go with you!

  • Justin

    Thank you Julie. It is nice to see that people still post on this site. I have been on it for 2 years now and it always seems to flare up right around the holidays. In any event, most of us on this site seem to have one thing in common. It can be a great quality but also a flaw. We seem to all carry a bleeding heart. We all want to “HELP” the addict but after years of being let down, manipulated, abused, etc…we feel defeated and starting feeling helpless ourselves. You need to remember who you are and need to realize you cannot help an addict. They need to help themselves. So hard for the spouses to comprehend because we do love them but now the addiction is being controlled chemically in there brain. The lashing out is because there genetic make up has been altered permanantly. I have learned this in Alanon. Even if they quit, they need to be in recovery or they will relpase. The urge for their brain to reach that euphoric state will always be around. Both of my parents died due to alcohol, my foster father is now in grave health due to his alcoholic state, my sister is an alcoholic and so is my foster mother. Thank God I do not have the alcoholic gene in my blood. I am quite successful and have my own business, etc….and I ended up with an alcoholic. I am an adult child of an alocholic and I think many of us on this site are. This is all we knew growing up and we just want to “fix”. I don’t like to give advice but the only thing I can say is to focus on yourself. Right? LOL.

    Marina……God bless you. Stay strong and seek what Julie suggested. You and your kids deserve a better live. Never give up. Happiness is just one strong decision away. You are in a hurricane right now….Protect yourself, your children and your dreams. They are precious and you deserve to be happy.

  • Pez

    Thanx Justin for the look into the future. We all need
    that hope!

  • Val

    Hello Everyone! I’m feeling extremely discouraged today. My dad finally admitted to go to rehab for alcohol and everything seemed fine. He’s been there for 2 weeks. We went to a counseling session with him yesterday and he basically blamed me for his drinking and said that I had no right to have a problem with his drinking because I drink myself. I do have an occasional beer socially but he drinks until he is falling down drunk every single day. It broke my heart. I’ve always been a daddy’s girl and really don’t know how to handle this. I have a flood of a million emotions. Any suggestions? Thanx in advance.

  • C

    Val, a professional trained in alcohol counseling would be beneficial. I saw a therapist who had many years of dealing with spouses/friends of alcoholics. She really helped a great deal. I started standing up straight and feeling good bout myself!

  • Amy

    Val, I hope you know that you are not responsible for his drinking, and you are not the cause of it either, just looking for someone to blame and just another way to lessen in the mind what they are, by trying to get the focus off of them and on to you~My ex did this all the time, they all do it, I was the reason for his drinking etc, I couldn’t help tell him one day just being sarcastic, I never thought in this world I could wield such a power over another human being that I have the power to make you get up at 8 and drink yourself passed out at 3..etc..(eyes rolling) I wonder what else if I glare at you with my super power eyes I can make you do..alcoholics IDK~never seen anything like it in my life, and I hope I never experience anything like it ever again.. I fear I will be the rest of my life recovering from all the damage…stay strong..best wishes..

  • Justin

    Amy….wow! Ain’t that the TRUTH. I found myself saying the same thing in the past.

  • Pez

    It’s sickening isn’t it. The Whining, Blaming, Projecting, the excuses, the baby King, Man child behavior. they need desperate help but they need to choose it. 5 months now and I have my 1st date Fri. night. wish me luck! Starting new 🙂

  • Julie21

    Glad to hear about your date, Pez. Have fun!

  • Pez

    not till friday. a little nervous. but will let you know.

  • Pez

    Lois, we will just have to pray something else opens up or for God to give you the grace to get by for awhile. The court system is so terrible I have seen it in action myself.

  • Amy

    I’ve went out twice, with 2 different men…I think the truth is I am simply not ready..but hey, you have to start somewhere.(BABY STEPS are better than NO STEPS) Good luck to you PeZ! I was nervous to..I still have so much to work through, still have alot of pain, bad days,but alot of good and better days too..I find myself over analyzing men, and maybe over thinking everything. I am so scared of getting involved with another alcoholic, addict, or nut job,I am convinced anyone I get involved with has a serious issue and they are hiding it from me..and the sad part is after 5 months I still think, rethink and hash over everything I went through with the A..trying to make sense of it,trying to find answers, and also mourning perhaps you could say, I loved him, why? I do not know, there was little to love, but truth is I loved him and it hurts that we are over, it hurts that he is an alcoholic, and it hurts that he cares for nothing but alcohol,..healing takes time, and unfortunately I am not done healing, hurting,,,time heals all wounds they say,I think anyone who has lived with an alcoholic/addict can expect healing and moving on to take much longer~

  • Justin

    Hi Amy. I read your comments. I am a little over a year removed from my alcoholic ex fiancé. I still think about her nearly every day. I just found out she went back into rehab again. Made me think…….wheh! I’m so glad I’m not with her anymore. Me and my kids are safe from her disease. I feel so much better now but I still do have a sadness that she could not overcome her addiction. 🙁

  • C

    For those who are beginning to go out and date, just understand that it is an opportunity to find out what works for you and what doesn’t. You may date a lot of people before you bump into that special person in your own neighborhood or at the grocery store. I have talked to friends who have left marriages, dated and remarried – it is not a quick fix. You will also meet some marvelous people who will remain friends and not be your soul mate.

  • Pez

    I figure. what’s the harm. I don’t have the same Love for him I used to. I was betrayed twice and that killed it for me. He did not appreciate a second chance and did it again–Really, what kind of cold hearted person does this! Answer: an alcoholic, an addict, a Narcissist, a sociopath. I guess the final betrayal just WOKE ME UP to the severity of this addiction and most all hope died. Plus, how could I ever trust him again–I’d be paranoid all the time of relapse, another betrayal. Not worth it!!! Plus all I have read on what people go through as someone recovers–would I really want more pain and fear–I chose NO. No More. I chose to see it for what it is instead of what I wanted it to be.

    The thing that really hurts now, even though I am letting that go too, is his parents and the X wife that used to talk to me occationally are backing off from me too even though they know the truth and I don’t know why and they won’t answer me on why. So just got to let them go too. You loose not only the man you loved but the whole family. Even his kids I got to know and pretected from his drunk ass I have heard nothing from them. It hurts. If any of you may have ideas why I wouldn’t mind hearing them.

  • Julie21

    HI Pez, not sure why , but the same is happening to me. His family who knew a lot of what was going on and even got involved such as his father constantly picking him up and allowing him to spend the night to sober up when the police came to our house because of his violence and his father did not want him to go to jail so would pick him up for the night. His mother even warned me not to take him back after we kicked him out. My ex was living with his parents and he was trying to get me to take him back and his mother pulled me aside at her home one day and warned me that he is not changing and i should not fall for his lies he was telliing me in front of her. But now that the divorce is final no one in his family will talk to me or even send the children a Birthday card. It is really sad and the kids do not understand why grandma suddenly isn’t even communicating with them anymore. I even reached out to her with a phone call and an email telling her that even though there was a protection order on my ex the kids still love their grandma and we would be happy to let her know when they have school events or to have her over for a visit. But she never returned my calls or answered my email. NO worries though we still have my side of the family and we spend our time with them. Just makes you wonder why when they knew at least part of the horrible truth and they know how he treated us why suddenly ignore your only grandchildren like that? Since his father is just like him i can see why the grandfather is being that way. But i do not understand how his mother their grandmother could just cut all ties to the kids like that. And they are her only grandchildren too. My ex’s brother never had any children. Funny how when i was still married to him they would all call to see how things were going and to tell me how sorry they felt for me and the children but then when we try to get away they suddenly seem to be on the alcoholic’s side and i am suddenly the bad guy. 🙁 Oh well they are in denial and just do not want to face the truth but that is not going to help my xah either. So let them deal with him, they are choosing to do so. Their problem now. I am so glad i don’t have to deal with him anymore.

  • Pez

    Yes. sounds very familiar. His mother told me the same thing. Don’t take him back, there’s no trust left, etc…kept saying we could be friends with out him and go to lunch–but never happened always too busy, no return emails or calls. I think Blood is thicker than water if you know what I mean. They just want peace and for them to not get into any trouble, jail etc……they enable and don’t want them to suffer consequences or loss of home or job, family embarrassment, or to shell out $$$ to bail them out? They may actually perceive us as a threat that may get them into trouble. That’s a real possibility. Me, on the other hand feel ” is it better for a man to gain the whole world and loose his soul”. I’d rather him have the losses and jail and it save his life!!! Not seeing the grandkids and cutting them off, that I don’t get at all for you!

  • Julie21

    Well it is all very sad because i like his mother and she is a good person living with an alcoholic husband(his father) who is also a misogynist and has taught that way of thinking to my ex. And now that my ex lives there too i cannot imagine how horrible her life must be right now. Maybe she won’t bother because she is afraid of what they may say to her. Or maybe as he did in the beggining she is afraid my ex will ask her to “spy” on us for him. I just think that if she cared she would at least have the courtesy to contact me or one of the children and tell us why she cannot or will not see them or talk to them anymore. I guess i am saying i think i may understand the position she is in but i still do not understand her actions or lack thereof. But stressing over it and spending time trying to figure out why is liek taking a step backward from how far i have come so i try not to dwell on it too much. I suppose all contact with my ex and his family actually make things easier for us to heal.

  • Pez

    I agree. It might be sad, all the loss. But maybe it is for the best in the long run. May be a blessing in discuise.

  • Julie21

    As far as his self-centered father goes i think because he is a retired police officer he is more worried about how he would look if his son were to sepnd time in jail so he keeps helping my ex avoid jailtime even going so far as to give him money to pay his DV court fines when he lost his job due to drinking. Yet I am sure he does not see himself as enabling my ex only as saving himself the embarrassment of having an incarecerated intoxicated son. Both my ex-father-in-law and my exah are very self-absorbed and self-serving in all their actions. Very disgusting really. My ex fatherinlaw actually told my kids before the divorce was final when they had visitation during our separation that they should tell me to take their father back because he had put up with their father long enough and they had a good break from him and now it was our turn to deal with him again. Huh! Goes to show you how he is thinking. Not telling his son to make the right choices to get better but instead trying to push him back off on us so he does not have to deal with him. Talk about enabling. And since he blames women for everything i am sure in his eyes it is my fault that he has to put up with his alcoholic son. So probably best i do not see or talk to that man anyhow.

  • Pez

    Jule21 I have actually heard that before and, never thought of it!!! That the older parents let bad relationships happen because they don’t have to deal with them and they are kept occupied!! My X’s parents probably have a bit of that too. The new HO is keeping him occupied and enabling him so they don’t have to deal with him along with the other stuff I mentioned above. I kept him occupied for 4 years!! Weeeeeeellllllllllllllll, sorry won’t always be that way. Sooner or later they will have to deal with their drunk sons as they continues downhill and F@%#* their life up. The “stay” is only temprorary!! And when it happens, I doubt I will be there to console them since I am dispensable, I don’t know if I will have mercy!! I’m tired of being nice to only get screwed over and abandoned. Turn about is fair play. Sorry.

  • Justin

    Hi all. It is amazing how every year around this time, things flare up. I have read most of the posts lately and see that most are women dealing with alcoholic men. I am in the minority but deal with the SAME exact issues. Alcohol does not discriminate. It is so sad. I almost liost my kids trying to cover up her disease. I was previously married and divorced back in 2007. Started all over and found her…..and her disease. I was drawn into her charm and her sickness. Wanting to help, I found myself being more of a father figure rather than a partner. I wish you all the best. Alanon has helped me heal and so has all of your posts. Thank you.

  • Julie21

    Pez, when i think back i remember his father telling me when we were engaged that once i marry him he is my problem and not his anymore. I thought that a strange thing at the time and it actaully reinforced how my ex was telling me all the time how horrible his father was to him. I thought gee what kind of a father says that about their son? But they all kept me in the dark about his past when he was a teen until i started having troubles with him after we married. Then i heard all the stories of how he used drugs and tried to kill himself and was arrested for assault on a police officer. What? Boy was i surprised. When his father said that to me it should have been a red flag but i was only 19 years old and had no knowledge of any of this type of life or behavior. Now i know better. 🙂

  • Julie21

    Justin I totally understand wanting to fix and help. It is so sad that we lose so much of ourselves before we give up. This disease really tears apart lives and it takes time to recover. God Bless and i am glad you are healing. 🙂

  • Pez

    My XAB parents never told me anything at the beginning. In fact, they demonized the X wife and were in denial about who their son was. I believe they had some things they hid from his past. They were hoping I would make a difference and they didn’t have to deal with him. The kids said, “I was his last hope for sobriety” The second betrayal and the arrest for domestic violence from the Hag the 1st time opened there eyes to the real problem and they said things to me right after the 2nd incident, I knew they were fully aware. But now backing off. So be it! Let them deal with their screwed up son and what is to come on there own. I won’t be there! I was willing to be, but not anymore. I am fully and completely moving on with my new life now. Go Away! you pushed me away the 1st and 2nd time–enough is enough. If you don’t appreciate what I was to you son, how much I loved him and tried to help. I’m done with all of you and all that has to do with him.

  • Julie21

    Pez, i totally agree with you. My children do not even want any part of his family at all. I think they are hurt that grandma deserted them intheir eyes and in a sense she has. I mean she cannot even call to ask how they are doing? Does anyone in that family even care? I think what they care about is themselves and not being able to get rid of their son without feelings of guilt or “looking bad” to their friends. They always pushed me into taking him back the many times we left and even said things like that i could help him and make things better. His father even lied for him at the protection order hearing saying he has not seen him drunk in over a year and he is living with him. He also made up stories about how rational and calm his son was and how he avoids violence and that i am the one who overreacts all the time. Total blatant lies. BUt he was cross examined and the truth came out so haha. The truth is i think he was trying to help stop the CPO because he knew if my xah could not contact me that he would be stuck with him for the rest of his life. Unless the x can find some other unsuspecting person to take him in. Well good luck to them.

  • Pez

    Yea, I’m Out of the dysfunction and it just goes to prove it effects the whole family! I thought I liked the family, but this second time around I am seeing their true colors the other side of dysfunctional families. Not saying they are evil, but doing anything to protect themselves and their son, but how long can it last before it all comes crushing down. Who cares about the devastation their son caused to me. I don’t like it. But you are only “in” if he is with you! Otherwise your out and the next ones “in” even if she is a ho, a criminal, etc…..Just keep the peace as long as possible so we don’t have to deal with him. Looking forward to a healthy, happy man and a stable family unit! 😀

  • Pez

    I think I read something somewhere too about the “family secret” dealing with addicts but can’t remember where?

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