Blaming Others for Their Problems


One of the behavior patterns of an addict is blaming others. Alcoholics are not exempt from this character defect. It’s not until people get into recovery that they begin to grasp what it means to take responsibility for their own behaviors.

Why do people with addictions do things such as judge and criticize others?

Basically, someone who is struggling with an addiction has a very difficult time looking at the real person on the inside. It’s easier to point the fingers at everything and anybody who can take the blame rather than them having to.

What accompanies the blame game that the alcoholic doesn’t really realize they are playing with family and friends?

Alcoholic Pointing FingerWell, generally there is anger that goes along with the alcoholic who is blaming others for their problems. They will get mad at the power company for turning off their power and say that they are unjust, even though the electric company gave them a one month grace period. They will blame their spouse for the pool being filled with green algae because they did not have any money to purchase chlorine. Yet, every day they were able to purchase two packs of smokes and a twelve pack of beer.

It’s not an uncommon thing for them to imply that they told someone a particular thing when they never did, just to get themselves off of the hook.

Deep down inside they really don’t want to be the way that they are, but the power that the alcohol has over their lives greatly affects their behavior. They will even blame the outcome of things to be related to the alcohol that they consume. This may be very true, but using alcohol as an excuse is not ever acceptable behavior.

How to deal with an alcoholic who is constantly blaming others for their problems

I would highly suggest that the phrase “I’m sorry you feel that way” become a part of your daily lifestyle when you are conversing with an addict who is constantly blaming everything on others. If the blame is directed toward you, this phrase is a mighty tool to deflect things right off of you when they do this. You will find several other phrases here: Communicating With An Alcoholic.

By saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” it keeps us from reacting to the lies that they throw at us. If they are blaming us for the pool being green with algae, instead of us defending ourselves and pointing the finger at them, by saying: “well, if you didn’t spend all of your money on beer…”, we put an end to the thing immediately by communicating more strategically.

When we react to the blame game, then there is just too much room for an argument. Trust me, things will be a lot quieter around the house if we do not confront the lies that accompany the blame they hurl upon us. This is all apart of learning how to handle an alcoholic.

It’s a rare thing for addicts or alcoholics to take responsibility for the things that they are personally doing wrong. They feel so bad about themselves already because they drink all the time that somehow blaming others for all of their problems helps them to feel OK about themselves. The best thing that can be done, if you are coping with someone who is constantly blaming others for things, is to adapt my favorite saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

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323 comments to Alcoholics Blaming Others for Their Problems

  • Susan

    I read these stories and so many familiarities I see and hear and my wonderful husband turned to alcohol as well and it has ruined our wonderful family. It is always good to see you are not alone in this disease yes ? But their are many diseases and choices within all of them. If you have Cancer you seek help ? If you have a heart attack you seek help, if you are an alcoholic you have enough times we all close to them see of clarity to get help as well so living in it for 10 years now I see many many opportunities for him to get help so I don’t buy this label of disease that makes us all feel like OH

  • Patricia, I too am going through the same thing the only difference is it is my boyfriend of 3 years also my long time best friend and I have my own children not with him. I understand your pain leaving and going and having worrying about the AH while they are gone and detoxing in program calling me so much but when he is drinking not calling at leaving me stressed out not knowing what’s what. I am tired as well I don’t know why I am been in this relationship with this person so long I ask myself everyday. I don’t like the arguing and the way he makes me feel and blames everything on me. Well here’s Some pointers I have learned with communicating with an AH just listen and not argue back no point say “Sorry that you feel that way” and this seems to work a little or go into another space. We all are in this together I am trying to get stronger for myself and not be and enabler and give tough love as well it is ok even when you think its not to give tough love. Take care of you and the your baby We do not deserve this God will see us through! God bless Take Care!

  • Linda

    Dear particia
    #1 They live in denial its easier. Its easier to blame someone else or get new enabler.This disease destory’s. Families, My son,s don’t speak to me. I left my 35 year marriage because of abuse phyical, emotional, . I am treated like a outsider in my own home.. it became more important to deceive his wife.. Its know way to live. Find yourself. The A ego is most important to them,they are. Running from the truth….

  • Alcoholics are in denial. They have a disease that tells them they dont have a disease. Seek support through Al-Anon to gain knowledge and tools to help you. There is no known cure for alcoholism or addiction. There is a solution. The solution is putting yourself first. Looking at our part in the problem, our reactions. Chrck out Codependency.

  • Is this love?
    Emotional infidelity – constantly checks young women out and flirts with them (he is turning 48 year’s old), then denies it. Had an emotional affair with a women with questionable behaviors. Allowed a women from his past to message him for about 8 months, saying loving things to him then told me, “at least she says nice things to me”. Told me that there are women out there who are way prettier than I am. Said if he was single, he would date a slutty women. Although I am tall, fit and attractive, told me that he prefers tall women and that if I were to get into a car accident and die, he would look for a nice, tall women.
    He denies that he said most of this stuff to me. He does admit to a couple things like the car accident and preferring tall women.
    Emotional abuse and abandonment – moved my kid’s and I to a remote area, about 100 miles from his job, 9 year’s ago. And then stayed in a room (at his work) or his travel trailer up to 5 nights a week while we struggled to adjust to isolation and lonliness. Was extremely emotionally abusive to my son for a long period of time. Moved out over a week ago and left my daughter and I to clean his stuff out of the garage and shed.
    Alcoholic – has been getting constantly drunk on a regular basis for probably 11 years now. Lately, has been raging and has been having threatening bully-like behavior, getting in my face and screaming at the top of his lungs and breaking things. Is leaving “me” because I won’t be his drinking buddy anymore (hate alcohol! Makes me sick.), won’t continue to live in isolation anymore and refuse to accept his emotional infidelity. My daughter and I planning on moving close to my son.
    Now he is transferring his affections to my daughter. Is texting her pretty regularly and wants to take her “shopping”. Ignored her and expected for her to fend for herself for college and a car although she was struggling, up until recently.
    My daughter is 17 year’s old and is impressionable. I don’t want my daughter to associate love with buying her, especially because he really hasn’T been there for her. That is what my husband did to me, bought my love…is this love?

  • Mary

    ALCOHOLICS DO NOT LOVE (with all due respect I am not saying they are unhuman) but let’s be honest, they have a DISEASE, their love is didfferent than most, and that is what the crux of the disease does. It is built on self doubt, insecurities, selfishness, anger, arrogance, narcissim and so much more. The hardest thing for those surrounded by A’s AH’s are we don’t understand their minds, their needs, their rationalizations and justifications What we do, is we engage (whether right or wrong) it continues to cause the merry go round affect. As I stated, you can stay silent or even respond or try and justify (especially when they are verbally abusive and or blaming you for EVERYTHING they do and their actions) it’s just a constantly roller coaster and yes WE are guilty (to a point) none of us were RAISED on how to deal with an A, none of us are professionals, but the more you learn, go to Alanon and therapy (with people trained specifically on this disease) the more you will realize WE ARE NOT unique, we all follow the same pattern our stories are different and yes some worse than others. But know, it’s NOT ABOUT US, the A will always find a way to justify, manipulate and basically throw you or ANYONE under the bus to preserve their truth, their deciet and their lies. And yes, I agree, whether you stay with your A or AH, they will find another enabler they will continue to live in this horrific life (and yes, I do feel sorry for them) but I can’t rationalize how A’s think they are actually human and can act the way they act. In all my years alive, I have never ever endured this kind of emotional and physical encounters in my life (although I do take my responsibilities and my own actions and how i’ve handled situations, but then again, its call suriving and standing up for oneself) but then it just puts me right back into the merry go round. Remember this isn’t about us, but if you get to the point where you start to question yourself or think that this is about ourselves – STOP and focus on you and only you.

  • Susie

    Here’s my advice to y’all. What other people think of you is now of your business. Stay out of the alcoholic’s business and focus on what works for you. There’s my business, your business, and none of my business. Stop trying to figure out your AH’s behavior, you’ll just wear yourself out. Oh, and remember, every time an alcoholic opens his mouth, it’s a lie.

    I learned all this and much more in Al-Anon. This is a serious disease. STOP trying to fix him. He’ll use your behavior as an excuse to drink and cheat more. LEAVE THE SICK ALONE OR THEY WILL DIE.

  • Susie

    Oops, I meant, “what other people think of me is none of my business” :)

  • I didnt cause it
    I cant control it
    I cant cure it.

    We can not control or fix others, we can only control and fix ourselves. You are nit responsible for your alcoholic lived one, we are only responsible for ourselves. The cycles your living in will not change.
    Insanity doing the same thing time after time getting the same results but still continuing in the hope it will change.. how nuts does that sound?
    Please go check out your local Al-Anon meeting.
    Twist the focus to yourself instead of focusing on the alcoholic that is already focusing on themself..
    We are not their mother..

    Get Off The Floor, Your Not A Doormat!!!!

  • Oh on another note. Whoever said alcoholics dont love.. is misunderstanding the disease of alcoholism. Even reading everything on this site will tell you this – the alcoholic does love you but due to the behavior of the disease of alcoholism he/she are incapable of showing love.
    With all of these comments Take what you need and leave the rest. Some have a poor understanding of the behavior of alcoholism.

  • Susie

    yes, yes Laurie. Every one GO GO to Al-Anon… and while living with your A “Say what you mean and mean what you say, but don’t sav it mean.” :)

  • IF you love me let me fall all by myself.

    Don’t try to spread a net out to catch me, don’t throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don’t have to feel it, don’t stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall, (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me).

     

    Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit….trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can’t see it.

     

    The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me…..The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours….the sooner I will arrive….and on time….just right where I need to be…me, alone all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead…resist the urg