One of the behavior patterns of an addict is blaming others. Alcoholics are not exempt from this character defect. It’s not until people get into recovery that they begin to grasp what it means to take responsibility for their own behaviors.
Why do people with addictions do things such as judge and criticize others?
Basically, someone who is struggling with an addiction has a very difficult time looking at the real person on the inside. It’s easier to point the fingers at everything and anybody who can take the blame rather than them having to.
What accompanies the blame game that the alcoholic doesn’t really realize they are playing with family and friends?
Well, generally there is anger that goes along with the alcoholic who is blaming others for their problems. They will get mad at the power company for turning off their power and say that they are unjust, even though the electric company gave them a one month grace period. They will blame their spouse for the pool being filled with green algae because they did not have any money to purchase chlorine. Yet, every day they were able to purchase two packs of smokes and a twelve pack of beer.
It’s not an uncommon thing for them to imply that they told someone a particular thing when they never did, just to get themselves off of the hook.
Deep down inside they really don’t want to be the way that they are, but the power that the alcohol has over their lives greatly affects their behavior. They will even blame the outcome of things to be related to the alcohol that they consume. This may be very true, but using alcohol as an excuse is not ever acceptable behavior.
How to deal with an alcoholic who is constantly blaming others for their problems
I would highly suggest that the phrase “I’m sorry you feel that way” become a part of your daily lifestyle when you are conversing with an addict who is constantly blaming everything on others. If the blame is directed toward you, this phrase is a mighty tool to deflect things right off of you when they do this. You will find several other phrases here: Communicating With An Alcoholic.
By saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” it keeps us from reacting to the lies that they throw at us. If they are blaming us for the pool being green with algae, instead of us defending ourselves and pointing the finger at them, by saying: “well, if you didn’t spend all of your money on beer…”, we put an end to the thing immediately by communicating more strategically.
When we react to the blame game, then there is just too much room for an argument. Trust me, things will be a lot quieter around the house if we do not confront the lies that accompany the blame they hurl upon us. This is all apart of learning how to handle an alcoholic.
It’s a rare thing for addicts or alcoholics to take responsibility for the things that they are personally doing wrong. They feel so bad about themselves already because they drink all the time that somehow blaming others for all of their problems helps them to feel OK about themselves. The best thing that can be done, if you are coping with someone who is constantly blaming others for things, is to adapt my favorite saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
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okay, you give great examples of how to keep peace in our minds with the onslaught of the lies, the blaming, the stealing etc… you mentioned in the story above that the pool is green. how does the wife live with the pool being green? My partner tells the usual lies to appease me. ie I’ll clean the pool. But, of course these jobs don’t get done. If I do them, I’m enabling him. If I don’t do them, I’m frustrated. How do I deal with this?
I also had to deal with the same thing. And becasue i needed the grass cut etc… I had to do it myself. It is funny how people call this enabling, but you do what you have to do and let the rest go. However, I notice even then others will judge you. I had my father-in-law blame me that things were not fixed around the house saying “why do you let things get that way? Why do you let him get away with not fixing things?” As if I can make my husband fix things. Then when i fix what i can myself the same father-in-law tells me i am letting his son get away with his behavior because i am taking care of the things myself. It is a vicious cycle to be stuck in. I found that if i could do the things that affected me and my children I did. But i stopped doing things for him and actually had to leave the house for the harrassment I experienced when i would not do things for him that he should be doing himself. It is not easy and it takes a lot of time to deal with their behavior and changing yours is the only way to incite change. If we keep doing the same things we get the same results. Unfortunately for me when i refused to buy him alcohol he got violent and was arrested. So now since he still refuses to admit he has a problem with alcohol, he is living apart from us. But the best advice I can give is to take care of what absolutely has to be done and don’t do the things for the alcoholic that they should be doign for themselves. If the blaming and harrassment get too intense, take a ride or a walk and get away from the alcoholic for a while.
It is very hard to not react to being blamed for thier lack of responsibility.
I just spent a day home from work, reassuring my boyfriend that we will get through this christmas and the next few weeks without presents and money so that he can feel better about himself. He is constantly saying he wants his life to end. ITs very nervewrecking and I am so mad at him for being so selfish. I hope I can keep my calm. I had to take alot of deep breaths yesterday and not react to alot of insults and complaints. Today I feel better knowing I have nothing to feel guilty about. I did not say anything hurtful or negative to add to his list. Writing this down and sharing with you is really helping. I know that he feels bad about how he wasted all his money and that he cannot control his alcoholism. He needs professional help. And I need for him to get better.
Recognizing how far a person will take this disease is difficult. The family surrounding the alcoholic is left
holding the bag(so to speak.) We begin to automatically
take care of the alcoholics responsibilities because we
know the garbage needs to be taken care of, the cars need
washing,etc. We do this to avoid confronting and angering
the alcoholic. Yes, it sounds like enableing yet we
know how unhealthy the garbage issue will become. It takes
a lot of prayer and strength to decipher what is enableing
and what is not. For me, there are things that need
to be done that affects me. Those things I take care of
are enableing me to have health and or comfort. Yes, he
is far to sick to even consider what he SHOULD BE DOING. I want to be happy, healthy, and clean. It adds to my
self confidence. So I quit worrying about the rules, do
what I can to keep me safe and happy. Do what works.
Karen
Hi all. Yes I have just learned this also. Instead of
Feeling bitter and twisted that he isn’t doing what
He should anymore, I have started just doing it myself. Like
Shoveling the snow, driving to get grocery items
That we need, running the errands he used to do.
He sleeps while u get on with it. Instead of resenting
The fact that he isn’t pulling his weight, I feel better
That I am Independant, plus I am getting exercise . Before I used to
Lie around and mope, watch tv, read and was generally lazy. Too depressed to do anything, now I am living again in spite of the alcoholism in the house.
I just keep praying and my heart is changing roasted him.
Sorry I mean towards him…
I think the secret in dealing with their difficulties and shortcomings lies in making your life comfortable for you. It the green sludge in the pool is annoying you, go and fix it. Then enjoy the beauty of what you have achieved.
Number two secret is reminding them kindly and gently your partnership requires team unity to keep you bonded and loving toward one another and would they come on out and hold open the bag while you scoop up the pool sludge or fill the garbage bag then they can go back to their personal space. Together you can get it done so much quicker and easier on both parts.
So in short fix that which you cannot tolerate to live with and gently coerce them to assisting in some small manner without making a big issue of your simple request.
Mightn’t work for all, but maybe you could use it as a stepping stone in working out a method to make your life tolerable.
Thank you all… very good advise.. wishing you all a safe and happy Christmas, whatever that means for you.