Comments on: Stop Arguing With an Alcoholic-Ways to end fighting http://alcoholicsfriend.com/2009/09/stop-arguing-with-an-alcoholic-ways-to-end-fighting/ Help for people affected by alcoholics Fri, 18 May 2012 20:50:03 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: rocio http://alcoholicsfriend.com/2009/09/stop-arguing-with-an-alcoholic-ways-to-end-fighting/comment-page-1/#comment-32767 rocio Fri, 18 May 2012 02:32:27 +0000 http://alcoholicsfriend.com/?p=19#comment-32767 chloe, thank you for posting your story, it has given me a glimmer of hope. My husband is an alcoholic. He has not tried to fix this situation yet but i keep hoping and praying. I have never thought of it as boredom but this has shed new light on the subject. chloe, thank you for posting your story, it has given me a glimmer of hope. My husband is an alcoholic. He has not tried to fix this situation yet but i keep hoping and praying. I have never thought of it as boredom but this has shed new light on the subject.

]]> By: Chloe http://alcoholicsfriend.com/2009/09/stop-arguing-with-an-alcoholic-ways-to-end-fighting/comment-page-1/#comment-25504 Chloe Fri, 10 Feb 2012 01:54:35 +0000 http://alcoholicsfriend.com/?p=19#comment-25504 Caitlyn, very well said! You hit the nail right on the head. Alcoholics are emotionally stunted like the three year old you described. I LOVE how you compared it to thumb sucking to self comfort. My husband has been sober for almost a month next week, and even though it is SO MUCH BETTER, other issues have recently come up. This past Monday I had noticed several days of him moping around the house acting very apathetic and very bored with life. So I asked what was wrong and he said life sucks because it is boring. I told my husband, "Welcome to reality 101, my dear." Life can be boring, monotonous, and tedious in the best of times. We sober healthy folk who have not been self medicating, numbing, and evoking artificial highs through substances are used to this and learn to cope. We learn how to make the most of life given what we have to work with, and learn how to deal in a healthy functional way with the expected highs, lows, and in betweens. My husband has not learned this up to this point as much, and I pointed this out to him. I had to get a little tough with him, and remind him he is not in a cancer ward, burn unit, prison, third world country, or work camp in North Korea tonight. He is not in a million worse places than he could be so buck up, put a smile on that mopey face, and stop being such a downer dud just because he can't escape reality every night. He needs to now think and act on new ways to cope with anger, irritation, and BOREDOM rather than sucking on his adult pacifier (as you Caitlyn so eloquently put it :-) called red wine and COPE! Marriage, working, two kids, mortgages, yard work, home repairs, and middle age is not one big 24/7 party. Welcome to the big boy sober club, dear! Anyway, getting tough on my husband works, so I told him to get his butt over to the gym or go on a mountain bike ride to get the natural seratonin flowing. I said you are not a burn victim or cancer patient so go now!!! He did and has been much much more agreeable and upbeat this week because he knew what I said was correct :-) Also, I reminded him that his downer dud behavior was very selfish behavior in a marriage because it made me feel depressed too. If your partner does sober up, you may likely find some issues rearing up to the surface where the alcoholic is emotionally stunted. For the first week, my husband was very irritable and then that settled into apathetic boredom. My husband, WHEN SOBER, will take criticism and try to change if he thinks it's valid. I think he did get it when I kind of read him the riot act so to speak. For the rest of the week, he made a big effort to perk up, interact, and joke with me and the kids. I know he is REALLY trying to change his ways. He said he is trying to change and I'm amazed at how far we've come in almost one month! Try to keep the faith, friends. Some alcoholics do become sober and turn their lives around. It's only been a month here but I am very very hopeful!! :-) Just thought I'd post how their sobriety is not always a bed of roses...but soooooooo much better than dealing with the horrible Mr. Hyde! Caitlyn, thanks for your post as it reminded me to remember that he has to learn coping skills from having had his adult pacifier all these years. Caitlyn, very well said! You hit the nail right on the head. Alcoholics are emotionally stunted like the three year old you described. I LOVE how you compared it to thumb sucking to self comfort. My husband has been sober for almost a month next week, and even though it is SO MUCH BETTER, other issues have recently come up. This past Monday I had noticed several days of him moping around the house acting very apathetic and very bored with life. So I asked what was wrong and he said life sucks because it is boring. I told my husband, “Welcome to reality 101, my dear.” Life can be boring, monotonous, and tedious in the best of times. We sober healthy folk who have not been self medicating, numbing, and evoking artificial highs through substances are used to this and learn to cope. We learn how to make the most of life given what we have to work with, and learn how to deal in a healthy functional way with the expected highs, lows, and in betweens. My husband has not learned this up to this point as much, and I pointed this out to him. I had to get a little tough with him, and remind him he is not in a cancer ward, burn unit, prison, third world country, or work camp in North Korea tonight. He is not in a million worse places than he could be so buck up, put a smile on that mopey face, and stop being such a downer dud just because he can’t escape reality every night. He needs to now think and act on new ways to cope with anger, irritation, and BOREDOM rather than sucking on his adult pacifier (as you Caitlyn so eloquently put it :-) called red wine and COPE! Marriage, working, two kids, mortgages, yard work, home repairs, and middle age is not one big 24/7 party. Welcome to the big boy sober club, dear! Anyway, getting tough on my husband works, so I told him to get his butt over to the gym or go on a mountain bike ride to get the natural seratonin flowing. I said you are not a burn victim or cancer patient so go now!!! He did and has been much much more agreeable and upbeat this week because he knew what I said was correct :-) Also, I reminded him that his downer dud behavior was very selfish behavior in a marriage because it made me feel depressed too.

If your partner does sober up, you may likely find some issues rearing up to the surface where the alcoholic is emotionally stunted. For the first week, my husband was very irritable and then that settled into apathetic boredom. My husband, WHEN SOBER, will take criticism and try to change if he thinks it’s valid. I think he did get it when I kind of read him the riot act so to speak. For the rest of the week, he made a big effort to perk up, interact, and joke with me and the kids. I know he is REALLY trying to change his ways. He said he is trying to change and I’m amazed at how far we’ve come in almost one month!

Try to keep the faith, friends. Some alcoholics do become sober and turn their lives around. It’s only been a month here but I am very very hopeful!! :-) Just thought I’d post how their sobriety is not always a bed of roses…but soooooooo much better than dealing with the horrible Mr. Hyde!

Caitlyn, thanks for your post as it reminded me to remember that he has to learn coping skills from having had his adult pacifier all these years.

]]> By: Caitlyn http://alcoholicsfriend.com/2009/09/stop-arguing-with-an-alcoholic-ways-to-end-fighting/comment-page-1/#comment-25496 Caitlyn Thu, 09 Feb 2012 23:45:59 +0000 http://alcoholicsfriend.com/?p=19#comment-25496 If you keep getting attacked verbally by the alcoholic walk away from them. Remove yourself out of their zone. Keep walking untill they aren't there anymore. Harder for a child with an alcoholic parent. Perhaps you could take yourself to a safe haven like a good friend for a temporary refuge. Keep going there to the refuge until they realise you aren't standing up for the verbal abuse and bad behaviour. I think it would be a fair assessment of alcoholics in general to summarise them up as behaving like a 3 year old. Not quite mature and yet punishing those around them when life doesn't go according to their plan or when things don't go their way. They respond with child like behaviour such as snatching an item from the family member or their spouse to cause upset and reaction which then in turn feeds their anger gene. They release their anger then comfort themselves with a bottle of alcohol in the way a young child comforts themselves with a bottle of milk or thumb sucking. Alcoholics have in many cases never grown up and through their choice of the bottle, they have never dealt with life and living here and maturing in the way the rest of us have. As soon as something 'they just can't cope with' emerges they reach out for the bottle to numb the growing up gene. And so they stay stuck on the level of a 3 year old that throws trantrums when they don't get what they want or they don't understand something about a relationship. They need to grow up and deal with things for a chance at healthy and balanced relationships. If you keep getting attacked verbally by the alcoholic walk away from them. Remove yourself out of their zone. Keep walking untill they aren’t there anymore. Harder for a child with an alcoholic parent. Perhaps you could take yourself to a safe haven like a good friend for a temporary refuge. Keep going there to the refuge until they realise you aren’t standing up for the verbal abuse and bad behaviour. I think it would be a fair assessment of alcoholics in general to summarise them up as behaving like a 3 year old. Not quite mature and yet punishing those around them when life doesn’t go according to their plan or when things don’t go their way. They respond with child like behaviour such as snatching an item from the family member or their spouse to cause upset and reaction which then in turn feeds their anger gene. They release their anger then comfort themselves with a bottle of alcohol in the way a young child comforts themselves with a bottle of milk or thumb sucking. Alcoholics have in many cases never grown up and through their choice of the bottle, they have never dealt with life and living here and maturing in the way the rest of us have. As soon as something ‘they just can’t cope with’ emerges they reach out for the bottle to numb the growing up gene. And so they stay stuck on the level of a 3 year old that throws trantrums when they don’t get what they want or they don’t understand something about a relationship. They need to grow up and deal with things for a chance at healthy and balanced relationships.

]]> By: sandra http://alcoholicsfriend.com/2009/09/stop-arguing-with-an-alcoholic-ways-to-end-fighting/comment-page-1/#comment-20131 sandra Mon, 05 Dec 2011 14:32:49 +0000 http://alcoholicsfriend.com/?p=19#comment-20131 yes these are all true,but i need to stop my self when it comes to argueing iam all ways trying to point out how this effects us,not just him or not just me US,so i just put my foot down and i wont tolaratit any more,i own my owe home,he can leave we are not married,iam very strong about this,if you are in the kinda thing iam into ,where hes just liveing with you and your trying to make it work and he wont meet you half the way,cut all your feelings becouse it doesnt matter how you feel ,they will never see the truth, yes these are all true,but i need to stop my self when it comes to argueing iam all ways trying to point out how this effects us,not just him or not just me US,so i just put my foot down and i wont tolaratit any more,i own my owe home,he can leave we are not married,iam very strong about this,if you are in the kinda thing iam into ,where hes just liveing with you and your trying to make it work and he wont meet you half the way,cut all your feelings becouse it doesnt matter how you feel ,they will never see the truth,

]]> By: chris http://alcoholicsfriend.com/2009/09/stop-arguing-with-an-alcoholic-ways-to-end-fighting/comment-page-1/#comment-11102 chris Sun, 03 Jul 2011 09:37:13 +0000 http://alcoholicsfriend.com/?p=19#comment-11102 I am ready to try anything to save our family. Such a waste. I am ready to try anything to save our family. Such a waste.

]]> By: anon http://alcoholicsfriend.com/2009/09/stop-arguing-with-an-alcoholic-ways-to-end-fighting/comment-page-1/#comment-2297 anon Thu, 11 Nov 2010 01:58:05 +0000 http://alcoholicsfriend.com/?p=19#comment-2297 None of these work for me. My mother likes to argue. If I try to be nice or ignore her, and she sees she isnt getting a reaction out of me, she'll keep doing things. First she'll take my phone away. If I still dont react she'll take my computer. If I still don't react she'll just keep on screaming for hours and telling me horrible things until she gets her satisfaction of me crying. None of these work for me. My mother likes to argue. If I try to be nice or ignore her, and she sees she isnt getting a reaction out of me, she’ll keep doing things. First she’ll take my phone away. If I still dont react she’ll take my computer. If I still don’t react she’ll just keep on screaming for hours and telling me horrible things until she gets her satisfaction of me crying.

]]> By: HOLLY MILLER http://alcoholicsfriend.com/2009/09/stop-arguing-with-an-alcoholic-ways-to-end-fighting/comment-page-1/#comment-818 HOLLY MILLER Mon, 16 Aug 2010 15:36:36 +0000 http://alcoholicsfriend.com/?p=19#comment-818 what if they are violent what if they are violent

]]> By: Alys http://alcoholicsfriend.com/2009/09/stop-arguing-with-an-alcoholic-ways-to-end-fighting/comment-page-1/#comment-620 Alys Tue, 27 Jul 2010 11:57:40 +0000 http://alcoholicsfriend.com/?p=19#comment-620 Do these tips work if the alcoholic is a parent? Do these tips work if the alcoholic is a parent?

]]> By: Boyfriend is Drinking Alcohol All the Time | Alcoholic's Friend http://alcoholicsfriend.com/2009/09/stop-arguing-with-an-alcoholic-ways-to-end-fighting/comment-page-1/#comment-52 Boyfriend is Drinking Alcohol All the Time | Alcoholic's Friend Thu, 08 Apr 2010 17:53:35 +0000 http://alcoholicsfriend.com/?p=19#comment-52 [...] can I quit fighting with an alcoholic? It takes tow to argue. Just refuse to fight or to get into heated discussions about senseless [...] [...] can I quit fighting with an alcoholic? It takes tow to argue. Just refuse to fight or to get into heated discussions about senseless [...]

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