How can you stop arguing with a husband, wife, son, coworker, daughter or friend who is an alcoholic? It can seem impossible at times because there is constant turmoil and looming anxiety that surrounds the life of an alcohol addicted person.
This following statement is the solid foundation that needs to be built upon:
“It takes two to argue.”
That old cliché seems simple enough to grasp in the intellect, but try to convince the emotions that it is a simple task to smile in the midst of a tornado of anger. The process of turning the other cheek and walking away is difficult when the normal interaction with the alcoholic friend or family member revolves around arguing and fighting.
The vicious cycle can only be broken by removing yourself from the fighting territory.
What if I told you that the two weapons that alcoholics use are anger and anxiety? Does that bring some light into the darkness? Understanding this truth will help you quit fighting with them.
If they can keep you upset, then the focus becomes on you rather than on them. While you’re storming around fuming with anger, then they can point the finger at your behavior rather than looking at their own. In some dysfunctional way this makes them feel better about themselves. When there’s an argument that breaks out it also gives them permission to escape get drunk.
Ways to Stop Fighting With Someone Who Drinks Alcohol
First, let me just say that you are going to have to be patient and easy on yourself if you fail the test when trying to stop fighting with someone who is an active substance abuser. People who drink alcohol regularly can really get under your skin.
Please do your best to apply the following steps with a loving and gentle attitude towards the person who has the drinking problem in your life. Being kind to an alcoholic may be difficult, but it’s necessary. If it is not possible to detach with love, then detaching with anger is better than arguing with the alcoholic.
1) Never have a serious conversation with them when they are drunk.I quit arguing all together when I began to realize it’s pointless to try and reason things out when they have been nipping the bottle. You wouldn’t try to have a rational conversation with someone who has just come out of major surgery and is under the effects of an anesthetic would you? Someone who drinks every day has alcohol in their blood twenty four/seven. Avoid talking about the serious things in life like house payments, bills and children’s health issues when they are inebriated. Wait until they have sobered up then initiate the conversation.
2) Learn to recognize what they do to try and make you start arguing with them. It may be that they criticize you or call you a degrading name. Perhaps they will disapprove of a particular thing that you did and point out your fault in the matter. Once you begin to tune into their tactics you will be able to quit reacting in negative ways.
It will be easier to stop than you think. Just keep trying until you get it right.3) Keep your mouth shut; if what you have to say is not necessary, kind or true, don’t say anything. This means that you are going to have to keep your composure long enough to think before you respond to something that they have said or just done.
4) When they hurl an insult at you, learn to respond by saying: “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Then say nothing else in defense of your character.
5) Politely tell them that you do not care to discuss the matter now. Once you do this, it is not necessary to repeat yourself again as they continue to try and get a negative reaction from you. Go into another room, close the door and start reading a book or watch TV or something. You can even leave the house and go for a walk or call a friend and go visit. Do whatever it takes to stop arguing with the problem drinker.
There are many other things that I could share with you, but remember the foundational goal is to stop arguing by remembering that it takes two people to have a fight. If you refuse to step into the fighting arena, then there will be no argument. Now, be prepared for your husband, wife, son, daughter or coworker to get even more angry when you refuse to be a part of the habitual lifestyle anymore. The only way to put an end to the dysfunctional cycle is to not participate anymore. You really can quit arguing and totally stop fighting with an alcoholic.
Alcohol Addiction Family Help
How to Stop Arguing With an Alcoholic
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[...] can I quit fighting with an alcoholic? It takes tow to argue. Just refuse to fight or to get into heated discussions about senseless [...]
Do these tips work if the alcoholic is a parent?
what if they are violent
None of these work for me. My mother likes to argue. If I try to be nice or ignore her, and she sees she isnt getting a reaction out of me, she’ll keep doing things. First she’ll take my phone away. If I still dont react she’ll take my computer. If I still don’t react she’ll just keep on screaming for hours and telling me horrible things until she gets her satisfaction of me crying.
I am ready to try anything to save our family. Such a waste.
yes these are all true,but i need to stop my self when it comes to argueing iam all ways trying to point out how this effects us,not just him or not just me US,so i just put my foot down and i wont tolaratit any more,i own my owe home,he can leave we are not married,iam very strong about this,if you are in the kinda thing iam into ,where hes just liveing with you and your trying to make it work and he wont meet you half the way,cut all your feelings becouse it doesnt matter how you feel ,they will never see the truth,
If you keep getting attacked verbally by the alcoholic walk away from them. Remove yourself out of their zone. Keep walking untill they aren’t there anymore. Harder for a child with an alcoholic parent. Perhaps you could take yourself to a safe haven like a good friend for a temporary refuge. Keep going there to the refuge until they realise you aren’t standing up for the verbal abuse and bad behaviour. I think it would be a fair assessment of alcoholics in general to summarise them up as behaving like a 3 year old. Not quite mature and yet punishing those around them when life doesn’t go according to their plan or when things don’t go their way. They respond with child like behaviour such as snatching an item from the family member or their spouse to cause upset and reaction which then in turn feeds their anger gene. They release their anger then comfort themselves with a bottle of alcohol in the way a young child comforts themselves with a bottle of milk or thumb sucking. Alcoholics have in many cases never grown up and through their choice of the bottle, they have never dealt with life and living here and maturing in the way the rest of us have. As soon as something ‘they just can’t cope with’ emerges they reach out for the bottle to numb the growing up gene. And so they stay stuck on the level of a 3 year old that throws trantrums when they don’t get what they want or they don’t understand something about a relationship. They need to grow up and deal with things for a chance at healthy and balanced relationships.
Caitlyn, very well said! You hit the nail right on the head. Alcoholics are emotionally stunted like the three year old you described. I LOVE how you compared it to thumb sucking to self comfort. My husband has been sober for almost a month next week, and even though it is SO MUCH BETTER, other issues have recently come up. This past Monday I had noticed several days of him moping around the house acting very apathetic and very bored with life. So I asked what was wrong and he said life sucks because it is boring. I told my husband, “Welcome to reality 101, my dear.” Life can be boring, monotonous, and tedious in the best of times. We sober healthy folk who have not been self medicating, numbing, and evoking artificial highs through substances are used to this and learn to cope. We learn how to make the most of life given what we have to work with, and learn how to deal in a healthy functional way with the expected highs, lows, and in betweens. My husband has not learned this up to this point as much, and I pointed this out to him. I had to get a little tough with him, and remind him he is not in a cancer ward, burn unit, prison, third world country, or work camp in North Korea tonight. He is not in a million worse places than he could be so buck up, put a smile on that mopey face, and stop being such a downer dud just because he can’t escape reality every night. He needs to now think and act on new ways to cope with anger, irritation, and BOREDOM rather than sucking on his adult pacifier (as you Caitlyn so eloquently put it
called red wine and COPE! Marriage, working, two kids, mortgages, yard work, home repairs, and middle age is not one big 24/7 party. Welcome to the big boy sober club, dear! Anyway, getting tough on my husband works, so I told him to get his butt over to the gym or go on a mountain bike ride to get the natural seratonin flowing. I said you are not a burn victim or cancer patient so go now!!! He did and has been much much more agreeable and upbeat this week because he knew what I said was correct 
Also, I reminded him that his downer dud behavior was very selfish behavior in a marriage because it made me feel depressed too.
If your partner does sober up, you may likely find some issues rearing up to the surface where the alcoholic is emotionally stunted. For the first week, my husband was very irritable and then that settled into apathetic boredom. My husband, WHEN SOBER, will take criticism and try to change if he thinks it’s valid. I think he did get it when I kind of read him the riot act so to speak. For the rest of the week, he made a big effort to perk up, interact, and joke with me and the kids. I know he is REALLY trying to change his ways. He said he is trying to change and I’m amazed at how far we’ve come in almost one month!
Try to keep the faith, friends. Some alcoholics do become sober and turn their lives around. It’s only been a month here but I am very very hopeful!!
Just thought I’d post how their sobriety is not always a bed of roses…but soooooooo much better than dealing with the horrible Mr. Hyde!
Caitlyn, thanks for your post as it reminded me to remember that he has to learn coping skills from having had his adult pacifier all these years.
chloe, thank you for posting your story, it has given me a glimmer of hope. My husband is an alcoholic. He has not tried to fix this situation yet but i keep hoping and praying. I have never thought of it as boredom but this has shed new light on the subject.