The process of learning how to protect yourself through setting boundaries takes time. Alcoholics can have a tendency to belittle those around them. Enabling them to heap unacceptable behavior upon us can become a way of life. We must learn a few emotional tools to use in order to protect ourselves from the many insults that can be hurled our way by the alcoholic in our life that we dearly love.
Learning how to set healthy boundaries with an alcoholic will produce a protective shield around our emotions. The result will be that we will experience much less guilt and shame in our lives.
How to Set Healthy Emotional Boundaries With an Alcoholic
Before we can begin to learn how to set healthy parameters, we should identify with the things that the alcoholic is doing in our lives that we consider to be unacceptable behavior. Emotional boundaries can be set once you are aware of the things that upset you that they do.
What are the things that really bother you the most in relation to their behavior in your life? For instance, swearing in front of the children, nasty name calling, yelling or screaming and constant antagonizing in efforts to start an argument.
A great way to get in touch with your feelings is by keeping a journal. If you do this on a daily basis you will begin to discover what the emotional triggers are that set you off. I like to call these emotional triggers, “buttons.” Alcoholics love to push our buttons.
1) Make a list of all of the things that cause you to get angry that they do. Write down how arguments begin and end.
2) Look at the list and see if you can notice certain things that they intentionally do to try and create difficulties in the home or workplace.
3) If you had buttons on your body that they were pushing in order for you to react in a negative way toward them what would those buttons be?
Once you begin to understand what the buttons are that are causing you to argue or get upset, start responding differently. For instance if your friend, spouse or child is the alcoholic and they often call you degrading names to try and initiate an argument, rather than defending yourself, just say things like:
“I’m sorry you feel that way”
“That’s not true”
“Stop calling me names”
“Stop calling me names in front of the children”
Setting boundaries with alcoholics is like declaring laws that they must follow. If they do not abide by your rules that you’ve designed to protect your emotions then you must reinforce the boundaries. It’s like having the authority of a law enforcement officer.
Imagine if you had a large shield in your hand and you used it to deflect the insults that are being thrown your way. That’s what your doing once you learn how to set healthy boundaries with an alcoholic.
What is it that we are protecting ourselves from by setting boundaries with alcoholics? I think mostly guilt and shame. If we feed into their attempts to upset us, then we get angry and say things that we really don’t mean to say. Afterward, there are feelings of guilt and shame that we must deal with.
If we can learn how to stop the triggers from going off and the buttons from being pushed, we will have a lot more self-control in these difficult situations.
Give yourself permission to plant your feet, stand firm and in a loving way let the alcoholics in your life know that you will not tolerate unacceptable behavior anymore. If they ignore your boundaries the next day that you previously set, then kindly remind them of what you said the day before. Setting parameters is difficult and maintaining your position is critical for protecting your emotional well-being.
No related posts.
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
I’ve been accepting unacceptable behavior for a long time. It’s like a way of life for me to get stepped on by the alcoholic. She actually treats the dog better than me.
THE MAN I LOVE (I’M 70, HE IS OLDER AND WILL NEVER CHANGE). ALTHOUGH HIS SON DATED MY DAUGHTER IN HIGH SCHOOL. I KNEW HIS WIFE BUT NEVER HIM. HIS WIFE DIED LAST YEAR. WE HAVE A HISTORY HAVING LIVED IN THE SAME TOWN FOR MANY YRS. I HAVE JUST MOVED BACK IN JUNE AFTER BEING AWAY ABOUT 15 YRS. HAVE BEEN SEEING HIM ABOUT 5 MO. HE HAS CONTINUED TO BE PARANOID ABOUT MY LIFE WHEN I WAS AWAY. I WAS MARRIED UNHAPPILY FOR 14 YRS. FINALLY DIVORCED.
HIM; HE DRINKS BEER STARTING AROUND 4:00 PM, CONTINUING UNTIL BED TIME POSSIBLY 11:00PM ( I’M NOT SURE HOW MANY BUT IN 4 HRS. AT THE CLUB PROBABLY 7+ HE PROMISED TO CUT BACK, BUT HASN’T ON HIS OWN. A DAY OR 2 A WEEK HE MAY WAIT UNTIL 6-7:00PM DRINKING 2BEERS WITH SUPPER. THEN CONTINUING. IF I’M WITH HIM HE DRINKS SLOWER, MAYBE 2 AN HOUR. HE SAYS IF I WERE WITH HIM MORE HE WOULDN’T
DRINK AS MUCH. IF I AM WITH HIM HE STAYS UP DRINKING BETWEEN 6-8 POSSIBLY +. I CARE ABOUT HIM BUT HIS MOOD SWINGS ARE HURTFUL!
WHAT RE YOUR SUGGESTIONS?
I HOPE YOU CAN HELP….EVEN IF YOU SAY TO FORGET HIM. AT THIS TIME IN MY LIFE TO FIND SOMEONE, KIND AND THAT LOVES ME IS A MIRACLE. I HAD MANY INTERESTED IN ME, AS I AM TOLD I DON’T LOOK MY AGE. I HAVE HAD NOTHING IN COMMON WITH THEM AND DIDN’T SEE THEM OVER 2 TIMES FOR DINNER.
i have never had boundaries with my boyfriend. he has treated me so bad now for nine years to the extent of saying sexual stuff about my daughter and other woman. i know he doesnt respect me anymore as i have let him get away with so much. he always says that he didnt mean what he said as he was drunk and not to listen to it, but over and over for nine years is going too far now, he must have meant all he has said and i feel devastated over the pain and wasted years. my mind has been so affected by the abuse i feel totally damaged. i never knew about boundaries there were none in my family. i am 49 and feel awful in myself, lost all confidence and no esteem left, he has destroyed me. why do i still want his love?