Once we have an awareness of what is going on with ourselves, we can then start making changes in our actions and attitudes that will help us reclaim our identity.

If we keep second guessing our thoughts, opinions and actions based on what the alcoholic thinks about us, we are still intertwined with the insanity of alcoholism.

I am a little uncertain as to what it is you and your girlfriend are not agreeing upon?

You may not have noticed how much she was actually drinking prior to the last six months. Sometimes, the sober and those in love have their blinkers on for a while before the reality of their relationship hits them. And, the alcoholic always find tons of excuses to keep up the good drinking. Not saying losing a brother isn’t hard, but she had/has you and that should be an enormous help, not the drinking. Wise people chose sobriety in times of loss and grief because they recognise alcohol only amplifies what they are feeling and if drags you downward into a spiral spin. There’s no solution to be found in a bottle. No lectures though from me. Who am I to anyone.

At the end of the day SHE must decide for herself how to best jump over the hurdles of life. Not you, not a child, not a mother, not a father, not a special sibling can do that for her. She must come to the decision of her own accord for it to be true. You can hold her hand in her journey of recovery but the decision is hers to arrive at. Hope she can find the strength to get there – at the decision.

For you, you have two things to do / consider. She may never sober up, can you live with her and love her the way she is now. That is, not wishing to be the bearer of bad news, she just may get worse with time. But then again she may not. That is the luck of your relationship draw. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. Could you live with her like that to the end of your time? Only you will know or find the answer to that. I’m giving my relationship of 12 months a longer go. I have another 12 months to the proposed wedding day to know for sure if I am of the right making to deal with it. I am keeping my eyes open, my mind open, heart warm and a notepad [in my head, more than a physical notepad] and a notepad of reasons why and why not and if we will work. My man is perfect in every other way. These alcoholics always seem to be from my recent observations from chats and forums like this.

I am setting up my own guidelines of what is acceptable and what is not and I won’t be dragged down by him and he has tried on numerous occasions because it seems like in his last relationship it worked for him … or a while anyway. I won’t put up with misbehaviour. I never lose my cool, never argue. I walk away and have a discussion about the misbehaviour when he is sober and ready for the talk. It seems to work for me. In my mind I am strong enough to walk away for ever if I must. I want a peaceful, happy, stress free life. Relationships are meant to be nuturing, loving, caring, sharing. If I don’t get this, I am walking away. So far, it’s all good except for the few binge drinking episodes. Hasn’t had a big one for a while, like about four weeks. The last one was very bad for our relationship. I was ready to walk if I had to. It wasn’t ammunition to get him to sober up. He must decide for himself not be manipulated into it because it wouldn’t last then would it? His sobriety. He still drunk in those four weeks but I could tolerate his changed character. And they do change when they are drinking. I like him 2000% better when sober, he can be nasty, spiteful, argumentive though from what I’ve observed so far never violent with me or anyone else. I have told him if he ever hit me I’m gone for good. He was horrified to think that I thought he may resort to that, but it is a commonality with an alcoholic isn’t it. The statistics and reports in the newspapers attest to this aspect of a drunk or alcoholic.
Back to you, the other thing, besides staying with your lovely lady, is you could walk away and start afresh. Don’t rush into your answer. You are only just now at the thinking stage. Keep your wits about you, never argue with your lady [never resolves anything and ignites other negative and damaging emotions and thoughts], keep a mental note of all aspects of her behaviour, character and work out what it truly is that draws you to this lady. I hope you find a satisfactory answer for you. Wishing you luck and good fortune in love and relationships. Remember you have a say in any bad behaviour from her. Pick your moment to talk to her about it, when she is sober and mentally receptive to comment and cause of concerns. Be firm, calm and resilient in saying what you feel, what you will not put up with by way of behaviour and stand your ground. She may well appreciate you setting some limits to work within. She will go away and consider what you have said and set as boundaries. Boundaries can work well for you and her, and is a positive step forward in a relationship with an alcoholic.
On a personal level I am swinging toward staying with my man, but I have another twelve months to truly say yes when he asks and the day draws near. He doesn’t know he is on my watch list. Pays to keep this to yourself so they don’t try to fabricate a dream relationship for you, they are masters of hiding the truth and presenting you with what you want to see. Then once the goal is achieved they could whisk it all away because their goal of marriage is achieved. You have to be clever about finding out the truth, you’ll never get the truth direct from them. Better to quietly observe and wait for time to reveal who they really are as they relax in your company for this is the real them. This relaxing around you enables you to decide if they are right for you to go the distance.
You may have been in your relationship 3 years Mark, but it sounds like it is only now that you are aware of the depth of the issues surrounding your lady. I’ve had six months of awareness now and I’m hanging on for another twelve to really be sure. Life could become very complicated if we were to rush into marriage, live together and then work out I can’t do it for the long haul. I am grateful my man has always been upfront and honest regarding how much he drinks. At first I thought he was exaggerating, but a few months down the track I woke up one morning and thought wow, this is for real. He does have a problem and I started watching for the depth of the problem. I’ve stopped checking his bins for the truth because I worked out he has been honest all the way. I want to keep this honesty going. I trust him. I don’t want him to lie. So see, I’ve had to change a little to accommodate the relationship of an alcoholic in my life. I try not to judge the what, when and how of my alcoholic. I pray he will arrive at the decision to quit. I’m grounded enough to know he may not ever. So my question for the next twelve months is “can I live with him how he is now?” I have set a parameter that says in my head, if he gets worse I am definately walking, if he stays as he is now, I could live with that. We keep refining the things that are bad, some of the misbehaviour that is bad for our relationship to ensure, although he is an alcoholic, we can still succeed as a loving couple.
One last passing thought is that you can’t control her, her drinking or how she conducts herself. Let go of the notion and work out if you can live with how she is with all the parameters set in place. Spend more time thinking about you and what it is that you want and if you are getting that. Also remember love isn’t always enough to glue the two of you together and don’t feel bad about having to walk away if this is what you decide after due consideration. It isn’t your fault, and it isn’t her fault. It is all about growth and learning about yourself. May you find the right path for YOU to follow and never feel bad about chosing the right path, nor guilty. It isn’t your fault you are where you are at this moment and it isn’t your fault you are resolving it and so not meeting someone else’s expectations. She has choices in life to to arrive at too. You haven’t deliberately set out to hurt anyone. You remember that. A little pain is necessary sometimes to arrive at a solution for all. Guilt should never be involved in the decision making process.
I hope this helps you in your decision making. Best of luck.

She gets furious with me if I mention that I think she needs to get help. If I mention that she is ruining the relationship, I get blamed for not being understanding enough that her brother passed away a year ago.

I find myself obsessing about whether she is telling the truth often. I also am always trying to plan things for us to do that won’t allow her to drink. When I first started reading this article, I was gripped by the opening sentence: “Family members spend as much time obsessing over the behavior of an alcoholic as ”they” do thinking about where they will get the next drink.” That’s me… I am constantly thinking about how to try and control her alcoholism.

I don’t know if I am going to stay with her much longer. I mean I love her, but I am twenty seven years old and don’t want to spend the rest of my life obsessing over her problem. This article and all of your stories have really opened my eyes to the seriousness of the situation.

I did leave 5 times ! But always returned. All of your stories are mine too. I love my husband and now he has started to get really sick with liver issues and it just breaks my heart but at the same time the verbal abuse is awful. He hasn’t worked for 6 years, won’t stop drinking even though his stomach is swelling with ascites. Everything is my fault of course, he just lives his life not thinking of anyone else, feels like he is the victim, spends his time watching news, listening to sad songs and drinking and in his mind I am the cause since “I’m not a good and loyal wife” since I don’t want to spend a lot of time with him. He just smokes and drinks all day and hardly ever leaves the house unless I drive him somewhere.

He is also paranoid and listens to my phone calls at times. Of course I tell him not to but that just starts a fight and he says, why, what am I trying to hide. To avoid that I now have a cell phone and my friends call me on that.

I have learned over the years to ignore his abuse and I have carved out a life for myself. Church, singing in a choir, lunches with friends etc, and this website has helped enormously. Also I watched the Christian movie “Fireproof” lately (not great acting but the message is awesome. I then bought the Love dare book and it has made me see my spouse as God sees him. The change in my heart is amazing and as a result he is responding positively.

I feel so bad that he has this addiction, underneath it all he is still the kind man I married but the beast of alcohol has taken over. I don’t take the insults personally anymore, it is the alcohol that is the insulter not my real husband.

We can overcome this, just knowing we are not alone helps so much. Since reading all of these posts I have felt a kinship with you all knowing that we are going through the same things.

I’ll keep praying for us all

Jodylee

Sometimes you have to step back and assess the situation logically.

I can see you getting your life back of sorts by doing this. You’ll get some breathing space. Remember to do something special for yourself every day for at least half an hour to keep the balance in your life. Find a daily stress releaser for yourself and stick to it every day. Read a book, watch a chic flick, take a walk in the park, find your thing and do it, every day for YOU because YOU MATTER too. Good luck and best wishes to you all.

Went to church breakfast this morning and all the seniors want to come into our home to stay with my Dad so I can get
out to grocery shop etc. My feeling is assisted living
would be a better option. I am feeling so guilty and
inefficient and just plain tired of everything. Not suicidal just frustrated. I feel that having an alcoholic
in the house my Dad would be much better off and some one
else could do the care giving and I could visit, take him
to church, see MOM at her nursing home, and still take him
to seniors breakfast. After a few months of church people
helping they will want off the hook come summer.

Thanks for just letting me get this off my chest. I keep
waiting for the Good Lords sign for what I should do that
would be best for all of us.