Letting go is a choice. An alcoholic wants freedom from being condemned, criticized, examined, controlled, belittlement and the alcohol that keeps them bound. It’s possible to love unconditionally. That’s the key to releasing your grip on them. If we can stop placing conditions and demands upon them, life will become much more serene for all involved.
How To Let Go of An Alcoholic
Mind Your Own Business-It’s an act of your will to stop obsessing over everything that they are doing in your presence and out of your surroundings. Mind your own business. The sooner you can realize that they are going to drink no matter what you do or say the more peaceful your life will become. The idea of controlling another persons behaviors just doesn’t work.
Stop Confronting Them-It’s no big secret when they have been drinking. We smell it on their breath, we hear it in the tone of their voice and we see the wobble in their walk. They know that they’ve been drinking and so do we. Have they ever quit because you confronted them about being drunk? Has pointing the finger at them made them stop drinking yet? I seriously doubt it. Confronting an alcoholic does little good, possibly more harm than good.
Why get all frustrated about something that you cannot control?
It’s time to do things differently. We cannot continue to do the same things over and over again expecting different results.
Let Them Lie-Has the alcoholic been lying to you? Do they continue to do so no matter what you say or how many times that you confront their false stories? Stop trying to be the private investigator that knows the truth and wants to prove it in the alcoholic court of law. The disease causes them to swear to tell a lie, the whole lie, and nothing but lies. So, accept it as a part of what they do. Have they stopped lying to you because of your confrontations? My guess would be no.
Make a Decision to Not Look at Them-As soon as you get in their presence, don’t look at them. This works well when you are at home and they come busting through the door. I used to read a lot or get on the computer. This is a great way to keep the focus off of them and on something that I enjoy doing.
Letting go of an alcoholic is difficult. This arena where they constantly twist the truth is ground that you will never win on unless you learn to let them go by not confronting them.
The Al-anon program has something that is called the three Cs.
- You cannot cure the alcoholic
- You cannot control the alcoholic
- You’re not the cause of their drinking
If you can commit these to memory, they will be extremely helpful in the process of letting go of an alcoholic child, husband, wife or friend. Once we realize that they are going to find a way to drink no matter what, the sooner we can learn how to let go of an alcoholic and start enjoying life. Freedom from the constant obsession over another person can be found through the process of learning how to let go.
Remember, you have no control over another persons mind, will or emotions. Stop trying to be their God and give them into the hands of God. He knows what they need more than you do.
No related posts.
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
This article made a lot of sense to me. I didn’t cause the problem, I coudn’t control the problem, and I couldn’t cure the problem. My soon to be ex husband is literally a homeless truck driver and will live in his truck. It’s funny though he drove truck for 8 months and quit. Someone told me because he needed to drink. Well now, in my eyes, since he has hit rock bottom maybe it will cure his sickness. I hope and pray for his sake.
Robin, it’s good that he has reached rock bottom. Hopefully this will be the turning point for him to get well.
You on the other hand must take care of yourself, because you have no “control” over anything except your own life.
If you are not already attending meetings to help you cope with alcoholism, try to find a good support group.
Even tough you are not still with your now ex-husband, the affects of his addiction have caused you to have emotional hurts and pains that need to be healed.
Recently I had a falling out with a platonic male alcholic friend who I really liked but found very frustrating to deal with – he would humiliate me, lie, raise his voice, speak badly about me behind my back, etc. I was a child to an alcoholic parent up until 26 when I was married but now I’m 46 so being around him made me feel like a child again with the parent drinking again. Anyhow, I decided to end the friendship because I just couldn’t deal with the behavior and wasn’t sure how to handle. This particular person I haven’t seen in months but his friend recently said if the former friend sees me he will be friendly toward me and say hello. However, I would prefer to leave this alone and walk away since I feel very uncomfortable. I attended my first Alanon meeting and will continue to go to see if it helps me. I feel very upset and guilty about not being friends with this person and he agrees as well – I’d rather not be around him – my friends and husband agree with me not to have any contact whatsoever. Has this happened with anyone else? The feelings from when I was a child feeling uncomfortable around alcoholic have come back and I do feel as though I just cannot be around this person at all. What do you do? It does hurt very much.
I am so glad I found this article, it makes sense. The things I have been doing for several years are not making the alcoholic stop drinking. I need to let go of the rope! WOW! What a concept. I am going to try a few of your suggestions for letting go this week. This page has been bookmarked!
This was the perfect God send today. I just broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend. I was with him for 1 1/2 years and had never dealt with an alcoholic before. I can not believe how mentally exhausted I have let myself become through all of this. But thank God through friends and family and just the grace of God alone, I have finally gotten so tired of the lies, laziness, excuses, and the blaming of everyone else for things he has done, that I decided I have had enough. It still bewilders me how he lost his job, but that is not his fault, he wrecks his car, not his fault. and the list goes on and one. Thank goodness I have a sense of humor or I would have lost my mind. So thank you for posting this article. My God wink for the day. Bless you.
I too recently broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend. Over the two years we have been together drinking has gone from crazy Friday nights to an everyday event. He started mixing in other drugs a few weeks ago. Something he learned from his mom and sister. The last straw was his violent behavior. Dr jekyl mr hyde. I think the best thing that I have read says, you don’t have to be around someone to love them. You don’t have to see them or even talk to someone to love them. So I have let go. I am so tired of feeling worried that he is going to come home and be violent again that I can just release. I have an ulcer now from worrying so much this last year Enough is enough. I hope he gets better one day.
Stephanie, when prescription pills get abused and mixed in with the alcohol it creates an unbelievable situation. The level of anger and mood swings form the alcoholic are intensified greatly. I’ve said it many times on this blog, it’s very possible to live with and love an alcoholic. In some cases it is best to not be with them as well. Such was the case in my situation. The abusive behavior was too intense for the family to continue to endure. We had to let go.
I have discovered that praying for the alcoholic is a great way of expressing love without being around them.
I hated having to let go of the alcoholic because I had become so accustomed to holding on to her. After many months of practice, letting go was the best thing I ever learned how to do.
I truly discovered a freedom and happiness that I had lost for several years prior to detaching.
Kathy, it’s so strange how we loose ourselves slowly over time when we get involved in a relationship with an alcoholic. It sounds like you have a good understanding of what you did not want your life to continue to be like. Thanks for joining in the conversation and may God wink at you too!
I was in a relationship w/ an amazing man for 3 years- it was passionate, explosive, ever changing and Miserable ! I had never been with a man with alcohol issues and thought his “blaming, mood swings, temper, etc. ” were all my fault- or at least that’s what he told me. I made him mad, I was the reason he was moody, it was my fault he lost his temper, my friends pissed him off……
I loved him so much that I did not want to see his faults. I thought drinking a few beers after work was enjoyable on Friday nights, but he would do shots on Wednesday nights with buddies, on Thursday nights it was a few drinks in front of the TV, on Saturday it was alot of beer hanging with our friends…. The list of social reasons to drink became longer. Since we didn’t live together I don’t think I saw the true extent to how much was consumed. I did however feel his wrath.
I have since broken it off- after too much pain to recount and too many missed opportunities on his part. I fight the feeling to reconnect with him on a daily basis as we still text and Email. I do believe he is better off by himself- wallowing in his beer filled misery. I just was not content to be his emotional punching bag any longer!
I feel healthier and believe in my heart that sometimes people come into you life for a reason- Perhaps he was sent to make me realize I AM STRONGER then I ever knew
a retired alcoholic must be the worse.
drinking morning noon and night.
the arguments are over.
the kids are now gone.
can’t change someone who doesn’t want to be changed.
no plans for the future
enjoying our times together
sadly-waiting for the end.
Thanks for sharing Rocky. Not sure what the message is that you are trying to convey to us all. Could you expand on what you posted?
I am struggling to let go of my ex-husband whom I loved dearly for 20 years, but finally could no longer live the life of an alcoholic’s wife. I spent most nights alone, and sad and feeling hopeless. I let my weight baloon up to 260 pounds – I was so miserable. I own my own food issues, but being left alone all the time added to the problem. I have since gotten the divorce, he came to the court house in tears, asking me not to do it. It was so hard to look into his eyes and see the fear and loss, and know I counld not turn back. Since then I have dropped the weight, moved to another state, got a new job, and recently remarried. My heart still hurts for what once was, and to see him struggle and not move past our broken relationship just kills me. I loved your article, because for the last three years since I left, I sound like a broken record when he and I talk. Please go to AA. Please seek counseling…..I even got him the big blue book and had it sent to him. I have begged him to get help, for three years to no avail. I guess I had to learn the hard way that I can’t fix him. My current husand has been very understanding about my feelings over this, but I understand now I need to let him go, and continue on my healing path. I feel so guilty over leaving him, I feel so sad over the loss and for him. He was a great guy until alcohol took him away. I am just heartbroken over what has happend, and don’t know how to move past the guilt of leaving him. He told me once that I was not honoring our wedding vows because I was leaving him in his “sickness.” When we talk I don’t know if he really loves me anymore, I really think he does not know how to let go, and the alcohol seems to keep him stuck there. It’s all just so very sad……
Robin, thanks for sharing. Have you tried attending Al-anon meetings? I believe you will find the healing you need there.
Thanks for responding JC. No I have not tried Al-anon meetings. I will look for a local meeting. I thought I could “outrun” my feelings by moving away and starting a new life, but that pain and guilt are alive and well in my heart.