Comments on: Coping With Lying Alcoholics-Why they lie so much

By: Karens

Karens — Wed, 09 May 2012 04:26:46 +0000

Noree, Thankyou for taking time to understand. It is hard to stand in someone elses shoes. Coping was tough in the beginning. I have difficulty admitting that he is an alcoholic but to survive you must meet the problem head on. Look at where you are in the situation. I worked hard
at developing other friendships away from his alcoholic
friends. I no longer worry about what he is doing. He has
strayed here and there. Hard to forgive that but as the
allcoholic disease takes over they just do not act responsibly. On that subject I have set down the border
for him. One more time and he is out of my life. I will
go on and live in a tent and scavenger for food than continue that type of disrespect. Otherwise we do get along as best we can. I do believe he still loves me when he has to face hard realities of what he is doing. Best
of luck. Develop a strong relationshp with God and stay
close to him as he is the real man in your life. Do not
loose sight of Histruths while your man goes on drinking.
Things are easier when you put trust into Him and not your
husband.

By: Noree

Noree — Tue, 08 May 2012 20:43:59 +0000

best way of coping is different for everyone — we have a lot at stake to just walk away .

Forgive me Karen for saying you were in Denial __ I had not read your full story — after all you are now 70.

Do what feels right for you — you’ve been doing it for so long and I admire your courage.
My man is coming off his bender that has lasted 3 mths and he is trying to convince me that he has just overdone the drinking over the weekend — how to cope is the question ,

By: Natasha

Natasha — Mon, 07 May 2012 00:08:32 +0000

I agree with you completely. And I don’t think its denial. Not everyone has the same situation, it’s all about what works best for us.

By: Karens

Karens — Sun, 06 May 2012 01:30:12 +0000

Natashua, good luck. Marriage and alcohol are both equally
difficult to deal with. I am married 25 years to this man
and am almost 70. We have good times and bad.Most marriages do. Alcoholics have more bad times, than good.

I am sorry that someone felt I was being critical. I was
only trying to encourage someone. Yes, there are times
that you have to leave and times when you realize that
is not going to be a bit better if you do.

Unfortunatly, my husband is the product of alcoholism
at the great grandparent level and all of his sisters and
brother also have the same disease. Now it is showing
up in his grandchildren. I know he will never be able to
stop but his daughter who has used meth is recovering from
her addiction steadily. Her daughter just started and
both are working on recovery. Addiction habits are
controllable but never go away. It has to be ackowledged
and parameters set as guidelines so addiction to one thing
does not switch to another addictive behavior.

This is my reality. Yes, many have said leave and many say
it is better to stay and steadfastly seek change for your
self. It does not mean you have to immediately move out
or on. One must take care of themselves first. If my
alcoholic was physically abusive my attitude would be
different. I live with hope for all of us. Especially
those that must leave for one reason or another and for
those who are commited to their marriage.

Someday this may all change for me but today I am sticking
myself right here, living with Hope and with Gods care
and loving wisdom. This may not suit everyone but I feel
it is the only right thing to do for myself. Karens

By: Natasha

Natasha — Sun, 06 May 2012 01:01:39 +0000

At the risk of being told I am in denial, I chose to stay. I landed myself in the hospital, from stress, and when my husband saw our baby on the ultrasound something seemed to click, like a light saying, this is real..there is another child on the way. I have gone with him to watch him pay off his Cash store debt (and also got him put on their black list) and now have most of his entire paycheck going directly into my bank account. He is only left with enough money to buy his cigarettes. We found a new home to live in, and he has been helping me hugely. My husband and I have always gotten along. He was never abusive, he just hid his drinking from me. Now that he is in counselling and AA, and I have protected myself from being financially lied to ever again, I can only hope for the best. Things seem very hopeful. Thats what I’m going to name this baby if its a girl. Hope.

By: Noree

Noree — Sun, 06 May 2012 00:12:15 +0000

Dear Jules.
Those Guts my Dear & are within all of us , DE Tach from his Shit dont allow it to pull you down –.
Sure yes the happiness was at the start but its now long gone down the river .
Affirmations help or EFT — that is a tapping on the Meridian lines of the body — just your own for now & it does help .
They say bout the Alco’s the y either turn the other into 1 or drag them down with them.
FREE your self only you can do it .
Read Louise L Hay books — also Feel The Fear & Do It Anyway.Life after breakups — not sure of these authors but ur local book shop whsmith will know of authors & if u want u can order them from the Library.
where in the uk are u ?.
Im In Herts — come on leave a line & an email & we can correspondend and save each other.
Im looking at rentals next week.

By: Jules

Jules — Sun, 06 May 2012 00:00:33 +0000

I can honestly say that if I do find those guts to leave, I would walk with the sun on my face and I would be free. This life is a prison, a true emotional prison. I look back all the time and there was my happiness with this man who was a good person, may still be a good person under what addiction has done to him, but now he only hurts me because he needs someone to batter. Why me, I don’t know, how it could change so drastically, I don’t know. I dream of that day I might walk with the sun on my face and be free. I want to make that dream not a dream but reality. As it stands, I know that my recovery from the trauma he has put me through will take a long time to heal. Please everyone send positive thoughts my way that I can leave this nightmare.

By: Noree

Noree — Sat, 05 May 2012 22:17:17 +0000

Karens .
I hear what you are saying but you are so IN DENIAL that if you went out in to the real world youd be lost .
Wake up and leave .
Sure you enjoy your friends etc so do OTHERS .It dont mean cause WE CHOOSE TO LEAVE THE CRAP — that we dont have friends.
You too are getting Critical.
DO tell me what if a man breaks through a patio DOOR & spits and rants when the other leaves the room when hes at his shit .
I think here its time to get out ALIVE.

GOOD ON US ALL WHO HAVE THE GUTS TO LEAVE & START A NEW LIFE WITH PEACE ELSEWHERE.

By: Karens

Karens — Sat, 05 May 2012 21:11:04 +0000

Jules, the pain you are in is suffered by all who chose to
stay or go. I have stayed, right or wrong. Having to face
the truth about and who my husband is today was toughest.
Developing a life for myself evolved. Feeling more confident in myself was wonderful for me and still is. He
Loves his drink, I love life. We do live together and manage. Days he is really out of it I leave or go in
another room to read or clean, what ever it takes to get
away from the continuous lieing badgering mouth.

Tomorrow is another day and I will manage to find peacefulness. It takes a tough mentality but I find most
of the time I am reasonably happy and do enjoy my friends,
pets, church. Good luck, if you stay it will not be easy
but finding another man may lead you right back to the
type of person you are already with. Maybe even worse.

I relate, pray, pray, pray. Gather strength from God and
appreciate every little thing He gives you in the smallest
of ways. We even learn how to cope with His devine help.

Karens

By: Jules

Jules — Sat, 05 May 2012 14:19:16 +0000

I think the hard cold reality in all of this for me and maybe for many of the women, at least, who post here is that we are financially strapped to the alcoholic in our lives. My husband is a functioning alcoholic. He goes to work and has a high paying job and he pays the bills that must be paid but the rest of the money keeps several bars in business, plus all the alcohol I am sure he lavishes on his friends. My anxiety level has increased so badly, I asked my physician to up the dose on my medication and was told no, so now I look for ways to deal with the added stress – creative ones – but my husband suggested to me that “maybe a little wine” would cut the “additional anxiety” that HE is creating. Really great advice isn’t it? Start drinking every day! Wonderful solution – ruin my life a little more! I try to tell myself that his brain is impaired and that the cruelty and lies are part of the “disease” and I know that I would have a chance to heal if I got away from him but financially I can’t swing it alone. I was told by an attorney that I would be very lucky to get alimony because he had seen “too many cases” like mine and that eventually my husband won’t probably be able to work anymore, that he will self-destruct on alcohol or be fired. It is hard to be strong when you are this scared. Fear is a terrible, terrible thing, and denial mixed right in there with it – the hard cold reality is staring me in the face every single day that this man doesn’t want to get well, that he enjoys what he does, that he is a liar now (sadly he was a very honest person before this progressed). And after everything he has put me and our family through, even if he did decide to go to rehab, clean his life up, I am not sure I would ever trust him again – in fact, I do know I would not – that it would be another form of denial – because of all the unreal things he has done, infidelity, lies, emotional battering, total disrespect for me. It’s hard because for many years, he treated me very, very well. But those days seem to be gone now. I don’t think I’d be that upset about being “alone” but just being worried about finances and my health as I have chronic illness. Does he even know what he has done to me and our family as an active addict? Does he know the terrible pain he has caused? Is he even aware? I know I have read that ex-addicts, when facing what they did during their destructive years, are shocked and ashamed of how they treated others. If he ever gets clean, and he ever resumes his former “mentality,” his making amends would be a tremendous undertaking. Thanks to all who post – Sally, you seem to be strong and realistic – I wish I were more like you.