How can you tell when an alcoholic is lying? There lips are moving. Coping (dealing) with the lying nature of the problem drinker is better done through accepting the fact that lies are a way of life for the substance abuser. They really have a problem with being truthful about anything.
Why do they lie so much? Let’s face it, they are living in a world of denial and if we get honest enough with ourselves, we will realize that we are living in denial as well. It’s really not important to understand why they do this, just accept the fact and leave them alone when they do it.
The sooner you can accept that lying is a part of the alcoholic’s lifestyle the better you will be able to cope. Dealing with someone who is not telling the truth is frustrating because it causes us to want to argue with them about not telling the truth.
Just learn how to zip your lip.
When we stop confronting them then there will be a lot less finger pointing going on. There is great freedom to be enjoyed once we stop judging an alcoholic.
When we learn that we do not have to try and prove to them that we know they are telling us a lie, then our frustration level will go down. This will help us to also stop blaming an alcoholic for much of our stress.
What is the point of confronting an alcoholic who is lying anyway? You know they are just going to deny the truth and stand up for the false reality that they perceive to be truth. Alcoholic liars come in every shape from a teenage son, daughter, spouse, mom, dad, grandmother or grandfather.
The alcoholic lies about drinking because of the guilt and shame that accompanies their lifestyle. Have you ever known someone who when they were a child said they wanted to be an alcoholic when the grow up? Of course not, no one sets a goal to be addicted to some type of drug or substance.
Unfortunately, lying is a comfortable way of life for the alcoholic. The best way of coping (or, dealing) with this problem is to just accept the truth and let them tell their lies without you pretending to be the private investigator who knows what really happened.
Trust me… When you start letting go of all the things they are doing, you will start loosing your temper with an alcoholic less.
Just let them live their dysfunctional life and you enjoy yours without the additional fight for the day.
How to Stop Arguing With an Alcoholic
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I am seperated with my husband for 5 years. The last year i told him not to visit me because of his lies and hypocricy. How can you communicate with somobody when lies.Is impossible.They have to reach their own bottom so that denial and false world that live is broken. Lots of prayer ,patience and wisdom. Truth is power and in the ends brings victory.
I am trying to find a way to cope with my dad’s drinking, and then I come across this article which basically says “shut up and deal with it” – thanks a lot, very constructive!
Then the only other reply is someone babbling on about prayers!
I wish I could find some real advice.
Seriously. I have parents that are rarely sober and the best advise you can give is just to shut up and deal with it?
After being in a 20 year relationship with literally a closet alcoholic (drank and stored empty bottles in the closet) I was clued into the symptoms of sociopathy and the strong correlation to alcoholism. Dr Hare’s sociopathy/psychopathy checklist was a revelation. I went on to read Martha Stoudts book “The sociopath next door” and received a tremendous amount of understanding and relief. 75% of sociopaths are alcoholics and another 50% have substance abuse problems. The opposite is also very convincing of the connection. Around 50% of male alcoholics in inpatient rehab programs test out as sociopaths. It can’t be fixed and you are not responsible. Alanonis a fabulous resource for the support and understanding you will need to deal with a person with this complexity of personality disorder.
I lived with an alcoholic for 3 years,the first 2 years I never saw the true person,the last year was horrendous. He lied about everything from a bar of soap in the tub to a trip to the grocery store. but my problem he lied about me to people. I was the breadwinner,I bought in clothes,gave him support when his businesses failed and he lost everything, he only has the clothes on his back,I feel totally used. I am having a hard time going on with my life. He has lied about everything. Stupid things, that did not have to belied about. When I confronted him about things, he said I was lying,he lied to his own parents and this is not a young man,this is a 63 year old. I would hear him on the phone and one lie after another .. Just tell me why do they lie,he had no job,had a small pension from an exwife,married 3 times,lost numerous businesses I tried to make a lovely home for him but it never worked.
I had a boyfriend who is an alcoholic. When I met him, he was sober, but then he started drinking again. At first, of course, I thought I could change him, or help him. But it became very clear that that would never happen.
Every little thing that is “wrong” between us is my fault, that’s what he says. haaa…
I know for me to be happy, I had to step out of his life. Luckily, he does live in a different town. But, I’m still working on MY issues…what I can do to make my life better.
I love him, and I hope he can get his act together. But he’s had so many wake up calls….and rock bottoms…yet nothing seem to work for him. How could I be so narcisisstic in thinking that I WOULD be the one to help him?
Alcoholism is a terrible disease…for the alcoholic and for their loved ones.
I’m taking a month off from communication with the guy I love who went back to drinking. I’m not sure if he is going back to meetings or not. He said he was but he has said that before. I feel stupid for hanging on this long and still cling to hope amidst deep grief. I want to believe what he says but his lies about everything got so bad that I don’t trust anything he says. Its all about actions now. I’ve gotten crazy with fear, worry and obsession so trying to stick to boundaries. Its very hard. I cry a lot. God help us, this is heartbreaking to me and I miss him. I know he is sick but I must be as well to be so in love but I fell for the sober man and hate this drunk one.
I doubt if Dan or Frank will see this, but this is is response to their response to “Coping with Lying Alcoholics” post. Nowhere does it say “Just shut up and deal with it,” and they are missing the point. The point is that you cannot control or change an alcoholics behavior, and the sooner you realize that, the better for both you and for the alcoholic that you have the misfortune of dealing with. I resent religious people’s presumption that prayer is always the answer to every problem, but if you happen to be religious and praying helps you, then go ahead and pray. For the rest of us, the plain old truth will have to do. What has helped me is realizing that lying is a coping mechanism that alcoholics use, and to not understand that the alcoholic’s chronic denial is just part of the “disease” is to be in denial yourself. As a substance abuse counselor told me, every alcoholic has his/her supporting cast of characters (i.e. family members and friends).
@ KRIS…….i have a very similar story with my girlfriend of almost a year…….love and spirituality can;t seem to break the cycle……..i feel your pain……lastnight, the way i shut down her pc ( that she reminded me that even though i bought it for her, it was hers) caused a loud and anger( only from her..i reamined loving and quiet) filled interaction lasting over 30 min…finally…she said…i want you to leave…….
These comments are helpful. I just got into a huge fight with my boyfriend about my suspicions that he has been drinking. He lies like it is the truth. He doesn’t get trashed as much anymore but I can tell when he has to keep repeating and acts like their IQ is cut in half. Yes, it is true that we would get along better if I didn’t confront him. But it eats at me that he lies to my face and that I don’t like living like this anymore. Alcoholism has destroyed our relationship. I no longer trust him and have to wonder if everything he tells me is a lie or the truth.
Hi I’ve been dating an alcoholic for almost 8 yrs! I am heartbroken, hurt, damaged and alone. All the enabling, nice talk, promises and every second day to try is lost it was all a lie! I made food came home directly after work! Took this person to psychiatrists, for implants, paid doctors fees, went to get them out of jail, forgave day after day, lend money took them back when it was their mistake and came back saying sorry! What a fool have I been. No children 32 with heart break, been seeing few times other people, saw them in bed with other people! I am a mess and one question why don’t I starting drinking after what I’ve been through? I woke up 2 in the morning driving around for few hours phoning to see if … Ok? But no answer, I was beaten, everything and after all this years I believe it was me no one wants me or no one would have me! Dating a person with an addiction is n big no
I have been married to an alcoholic for 9 years it seems to get worse as he gets older. I have now gone in the other bedroom to sleep when he is drinking a lot and totally lying about it. He has been unemployed for the past 4 months and I am the only income. He lost his license 9 years ago for 3 DUI’s. You would think he would learn. But to no avail he takes our truck and says since he helped me get it he can do what he wants. I am terrified I will get a call that he has killed someone. I hate when on a Saturday I am cleaning the house and find bottles all over the place. You know the ones I am not suppose to know about. But he always says they have been there a long time. He went on a two week binder and after no eating for two weeks only drinking he was very sick. Told me he can never drink hard alcohol again but again this week he started and then tells me I am nickel and diming him for I am not giving him enough money everyday besides paying the bills, groceries, gas, his cigarettes and beer. Yeah I do get angry for I am the breadwinner and he is the drunk. It is hard to not say anthing when all he does is belittle me tell me I am fat. What’s a girl to do. He won’t leave his family is 2000 miles away. I would gladly get him a one way ticket it would make my life easier. Whats love got to do with it. I love the sober guy but the alcoholic one is a “jerk”.
I discovered the love of my life was a closet alcoholic 2 years ago and it broke me. It was a downhill plummet to the truth that was layered with lies and deep illness. He lies to deny, cover up, defend, and control. He’s been out of work off and on for years, which contributes to his depression. The biggest problem is that I am trying to raise two young boys. At this point, what are my options? Is it a better model to stick to my vows and teach “detachment with love” from a father that loves and lies? Or – is leaving when the going gets tough in light of a more peaceful, truthful, and well home a better route? This is a far cry from our fairy tale.
Tomorrow is our 12th wedding anniversary. We have been separated for the past two years. I will never give up on my wife as I love her deeply, but after five years of stress, pain, lonely evenings, I had to take care of myself. If fate dictates that another person will fill my void, so be it. To ruin two lives and dicredit the lives of those who care so much, is too high a price to pay. I may now be alone but now I can live.
Dear Melissa, 19/01/2012 7.47 pm Only you can decide, but through my life, I have raised two daughters, but I did leave their father, it was not easy, let me tell you, but he was a closet gambler, a drinker, a wonderful person and a great father, he died over 16yrs ago, cancer of bladder, which he was in denial about also. He had been diagnosed before I met him, but he didn’t disclose it. One day I got the strength to say and it wasn’t easy, but I said I am handing your health back to you, you have to take responsibility for your own health. Looking back now, I may have died before him if I stayed, I got myself and children out.
Alcoholics do lie, over the simplest things. It is a fact, it is what it is.
You cannot reform them, change them,or make life perfect for them.
You can acknowledge to your self that lieing is a way of
functioning for the alcoholic. you recognize that lieing
hurts you and your family. It even hurts their alcoholic
friends. Their social network is full of lieing.
You can learn (not deny) that you live with this person
out of choice. (what ever the reason ) You learn to know
that it is a lot of B.S. Alcoholic hate themselves so much that they will say anything to make themselves feel
bigger and better. Their egos are way beyond normal and their feeble attempts to conquer their chemical changes in their brain is to try to know more, be right, be the only one who knows anything. It is a fact that you learn to accept so you can make some sense out of your life.
What you choose to do with your own life is up to you.
Detatchment of your emotional self helps. You can separate
your life from his, open the door of your life to supportive friends. Hobbies help. Exercise helps. Reading opens the doors of your imagination. I am not
saying this is easy. You have to focus on the quality
of your life and not on his. He is doing what he wants to do as the chemicals are malfunctioning his brain. Take some time, what is it that makes you happy.? If
you find you must leave that may be the best thing for you.
If you want to stay you must not focus all of your attention on the alcoholic.
Just a few thoughts for you to think about. Good luck in all that you do and for those who deny that God is not
the answer in your life. I shall pray for you any way.
@Melissa, you have to ultimately make the decision, but it may help if you calmly make a list of the reasons for staying and the reasons for going. It helps to see the reality of your life on paper. Then you have to think about what growing up with an alcoholic will do to your children as they get older. There are plenty of books on the subject. I’m not objective, as I just moved last weekend after spending 5 years with an alcoholic. Peace exists, and so does a decent life, but not with a drunk. That’s the reality. Detachment is fine, but you have to ask yourself if you can live detached for the rest of your life. You can do it for a day or a week or a year, but how many years do you want detached from this man who taints everything in your life and the lives of your children. Above all else, protect your children from the evil influence of your alcoholic husband.
Melissa,
Think about your children, Did you know that statistics show that children that are raised in a household with an alcoholic have a great chance of becoming one themselves? I am going thru this as well. I have 3 children that I would do anything for. But the cycle has to end. And you have to show them that its not right. You took a vow with him thru sickness and health but did you take a vow saying that you would be his caretaker for the rest of your life for something that you have no control over and he does?
This is one of the best articles I have read. It is so true. I was married to a highly functioning alcoholic for 20 years. It is amazing how I watched the disease destroy every bit of the integrity of someone I loved that I still believe had quite a bit when I met him. The article is so true. They lie because their whole (nonexistent) value system is a lie. While the rest of the world pretty much learns from the pain of making mistakes and the consequences thereof, the alcoholic just drinks the bad feeling and reasoning away. They never learn to rely on something bigger than ourselves like our spirituality to deal with lifes bumps the real and healthy way. Thus they never grow. they not only lie but will believe lies over the truth, over and again. That is what is so painful in a relationship with one. There finally came the day when I knew I couldn’t compete with his alcoholism. Vodka with tonic on the side was his his true love. And most likely always will be. It is so sad to watch some one you love spiral down but in the end I knew his alcoholism was killing me too as my codepence was the rope pulling me under with him.
What an amazing string of stories and sharing. I have found such relief in the last few weeks since starting counselling and having a neutral place to purge all the thoughts and emotions I have kept from friends and family. This helps me face what my denial is as well. I don’t know what my bigger choices will be, but I will be better prepared to make them without the burdens I’ve placed upon myself. Peace to all of you.
I somehow feel a little bit better knowing I am not alone. My husband has drank for years, I was not aware of how much it was happening until now. He has stolen from myself, lied about it, stolen from his son, lied about that, and commited bank fraud and lied about that too. Everytime I give him a chance to own up to the lies he just boldly lies again. I dont know if I can ever trust him again. But I am at a loss of what to do, as we have a 3 and a half year old son, and I am pregnant at the moment. Not a smart decision, but you must understand, he makes you beleive that things will be ok, and that he is not lying or drinking. I just don’t know what is better, to leave and tough it out on my own, or stay in the hopes he will someday stop drinking and lying to his family
@Natasha, re-read what you wrote. You know the answer. When is “some day”? What century will that be? Honey, sad as it is, you belong to the group here that lives with or lived with the cold, hard truth – a drunk loves no one and nothing more than his or her bottle. Period. There is no ‘maybe’ about it. You can give your husband chances until hell freezes over, and it won’t matter. Get yourself and your children out of that situation. You owe them that. Do you want your son to grow up to be like his father? That’s what you’re guaranteeing will happen if you don’t get out now. The damage drunks do to everyone else in their lives is so much worse than the harm they may do to themselves. Want to save someone? Save yourself and your kids. If a drunk is breathing, he or she is lying. There is a wondrous place, no one is sure where it’s at, but it’s the great State of Denial. Every time you believe what your drunk says or give him another chance, you are a sad citizen of Denial. Join others who have left Denial and moved permanently into the real world. It’s hard leaving Denial, but life is easier when you don’t live there. You’ll find much support here on these boards, so please, stay in touch and stay strong. There IS a better life for you, but not with a drunk. You’re in my prayers.
alcoholics are a life destroyer — my man promised me so much like we would get married — but denied ever saying it 2 yrs later.
What a FOOL I LOOKED IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS AND MYSELF/.
Best things for the other ones is to leave OR U WILL BE DRAGGED down by them .
I AM LEAVING IN 3 WEEKS AWAITING MY HOUSE TO COME THROUGH.
THE ABUSIVE I HAV DEALT WITH — I COULD & MAYBE I WILL WRITE A HARDBACK.
I think the hard cold reality in all of this for me and maybe for many of the women, at least, who post here is that we are financially strapped to the alcoholic in our lives. My husband is a functioning alcoholic. He goes to work and has a high paying job and he pays the bills that must be paid but the rest of the money keeps several bars in business, plus all the alcohol I am sure he lavishes on his friends. My anxiety level has increased so badly, I asked my physician to up the dose on my medication and was told no, so now I look for ways to deal with the added stress – creative ones – but my husband suggested to me that “maybe a little wine” would cut the “additional anxiety” that HE is creating. Really great advice isn’t it? Start drinking every day! Wonderful solution – ruin my life a little more! I try to tell myself that his brain is impaired and that the cruelty and lies are part of the “disease” and I know that I would have a chance to heal if I got away from him but financially I can’t swing it alone. I was told by an attorney that I would be very lucky to get alimony because he had seen “too many cases” like mine and that eventually my husband won’t probably be able to work anymore, that he will self-destruct on alcohol or be fired. It is hard to be strong when you are this scared. Fear is a terrible, terrible thing, and denial mixed right in there with it – the hard cold reality is staring me in the face every single day that this man doesn’t want to get well, that he enjoys what he does, that he is a liar now (sadly he was a very honest person before this progressed). And after everything he has put me and our family through, even if he did decide to go to rehab, clean his life up, I am not sure I would ever trust him again – in fact, I do know I would not – that it would be another form of denial – because of all the unreal things he has done, infidelity, lies, emotional battering, total disrespect for me. It’s hard because for many years, he treated me very, very well. But those days seem to be gone now. I don’t think I’d be that upset about being “alone” but just being worried about finances and my health as I have chronic illness. Does he even know what he has done to me and our family as an active addict? Does he know the terrible pain he has caused? Is he even aware? I know I have read that ex-addicts, when facing what they did during their destructive years, are shocked and ashamed of how they treated others. If he ever gets clean, and he ever resumes his former “mentality,” his making amends would be a tremendous undertaking. Thanks to all who post – Sally, you seem to be strong and realistic – I wish I were more like you.
Jules, the pain you are in is suffered by all who chose to
stay or go. I have stayed, right or wrong. Having to face
the truth about and who my husband is today was toughest.
Developing a life for myself evolved. Feeling more confident in myself was wonderful for me and still is. He
Loves his drink, I love life. We do live together and manage. Days he is really out of it I leave or go in
another room to read or clean, what ever it takes to get
away from the continuous lieing badgering mouth.
Tomorrow is another day and I will manage to find peacefulness. It takes a tough mentality but I find most
of the time I am reasonably happy and do enjoy my friends,
pets, church. Good luck, if you stay it will not be easy
but finding another man may lead you right back to the
type of person you are already with. Maybe even worse.
I relate, pray, pray, pray. Gather strength from God and
appreciate every little thing He gives you in the smallest
of ways. We even learn how to cope with His devine help.
Karens
Karens .
I hear what you are saying but you are so IN DENIAL that if you went out in to the real world youd be lost .
Wake up and leave .
Sure you enjoy your friends etc so do OTHERS .It dont mean cause WE CHOOSE TO LEAVE THE CRAP — that we dont have friends.
You too are getting Critical.
DO tell me what if a man breaks through a patio DOOR & spits and rants when the other leaves the room when hes at his shit .
I think here its time to get out ALIVE.
GOOD ON US ALL WHO HAVE THE GUTS TO LEAVE & START A NEW LIFE WITH PEACE ELSEWHERE.
I can honestly say that if I do find those guts to leave, I would walk with the sun on my face and I would be free. This life is a prison, a true emotional prison. I look back all the time and there was my happiness with this man who was a good person, may still be a good person under what addiction has done to him, but now he only hurts me because he needs someone to batter. Why me, I don’t know, how it could change so drastically, I don’t know. I dream of that day I might walk with the sun on my face and be free. I want to make that dream not a dream but reality. As it stands, I know that my recovery from the trauma he has put me through will take a long time to heal. Please everyone send positive thoughts my way that I can leave this nightmare.
Dear Jules.
Those Guts my Dear & are within all of us , DE Tach from his Shit dont allow it to pull you down –.
Sure yes the happiness was at the start but its now long gone down the river .
Affirmations help or EFT — that is a tapping on the Meridian lines of the body — just your own for now & it does help .
They say bout the Alco’s the y either turn the other into 1 or drag them down with them.
FREE your self only you can do it .
Read Louise L Hay books — also Feel The Fear & Do It Anyway.Life after breakups — not sure of these authors but ur local book shop whsmith will know of authors & if u want u can order them from the Library.
where in the uk are u ?.
Im In Herts — come on leave a line & an email & we can correspondend and save each other.
Im looking at rentals next week.
At the risk of being told I am in denial, I chose to stay. I landed myself in the hospital, from stress, and when my husband saw our baby on the ultrasound something seemed to click, like a light saying, this is real..there is another child on the way. I have gone with him to watch him pay off his Cash store debt (and also got him put on their black list) and now have most of his entire paycheck going directly into my bank account. He is only left with enough money to buy his cigarettes. We found a new home to live in, and he has been helping me hugely. My husband and I have always gotten along. He was never abusive, he just hid his drinking from me. Now that he is in counselling and AA, and I have protected myself from being financially lied to ever again, I can only hope for the best. Things seem very hopeful. Thats what I’m going to name this baby if its a girl. Hope.
Natashua, good luck. Marriage and alcohol are both equally
difficult to deal with. I am married 25 years to this man
and am almost 70. We have good times and bad.Most marriages do. Alcoholics have more bad times, than good.
I am sorry that someone felt I was being critical. I was
only trying to encourage someone. Yes, there are times
that you have to leave and times when you realize that
is not going to be a bit better if you do.
Unfortunatly, my husband is the product of alcoholism
at the great grandparent level and all of his sisters and
brother also have the same disease. Now it is showing
up in his grandchildren. I know he will never be able to
stop but his daughter who has used meth is recovering from
her addiction steadily. Her daughter just started and
both are working on recovery. Addiction habits are
controllable but never go away. It has to be ackowledged
and parameters set as guidelines so addiction to one thing
does not switch to another addictive behavior.
This is my reality. Yes, many have said leave and many say
it is better to stay and steadfastly seek change for your
self. It does not mean you have to immediately move out
or on. One must take care of themselves first. If my
alcoholic was physically abusive my attitude would be
different. I live with hope for all of us. Especially
those that must leave for one reason or another and for
those who are commited to their marriage.
Someday this may all change for me but today I am sticking
myself right here, living with Hope and with Gods care
and loving wisdom. This may not suit everyone but I feel
it is the only right thing to do for myself. Karens
I agree with you completely. And I don’t think its denial. Not everyone has the same situation, it’s all about what works best for us.
best way of coping is different for everyone — we have a lot at stake to just walk away .
Forgive me Karen for saying you were in Denial __ I had not read your full story — after all you are now 70.
Do what feels right for you — you’ve been doing it for so long and I admire your courage.
My man is coming off his bender that has lasted 3 mths and he is trying to convince me that he has just overdone the drinking over the weekend — how to cope is the question ,
Noree, Thankyou for taking time to understand. It is hard to stand in someone elses shoes. Coping was tough in the beginning. I have difficulty admitting that he is an alcoholic but to survive you must meet the problem head on. Look at where you are in the situation. I worked hard
at developing other friendships away from his alcoholic
friends. I no longer worry about what he is doing. He has
strayed here and there. Hard to forgive that but as the
allcoholic disease takes over they just do not act responsibly. On that subject I have set down the border
for him. One more time and he is out of my life. I will
go on and live in a tent and scavenger for food than continue that type of disrespect. Otherwise we do get along as best we can. I do believe he still loves me when he has to face hard realities of what he is doing. Best
of luck. Develop a strong relationshp with God and stay
close to him as he is the real man in your life. Do not
loose sight of Histruths while your man goes on drinking.
Things are easier when you put trust into Him and not your
husband.